recipe review: pasta with chicken sausage, corn, leeks, and mushrooms

the only ingredient i had on hand for this recipe was the italian chicken sausage. i bought corn and mushrooms at the farmers market, since fresh corn is still in season and i figured why not? i used farfalle pasta since jewel didn't have casarecce and a quick google search in the pasta aisle said that farfalle could be an acceptable substitute.

i used 5 ears of corn since the vendor i bought them from was running a "buy 4, get 1 free" type of special. i also added garlic powder at some point because i realized that this recipe didn't call for any type of garlic and i wasn't willing to rely on the sausage alone to provide garlic flavor. farfalle takes a bit longer to cook than casarecce, so i adjusted the pasta cooking time accordingly.

i'm of the opinion that the "active time" in this recipe assumes that you've already prepped the corn, mushrooms, and leeks. i'm sure the cleaning and chopping of those ingredients took 20 minutes on their own. also, the recipe isn't really clear about when to add the cooked pasta - i added the pasta and then stirred in the butter, lemon zest, and reserved pasta water.

i'd probably make this again with frozen corn and possibly fresh garlic instead of garlic powder. garlic makes almost everything better. i could probably use italian pork or turkey sausages as well, as long as they're cooked in advance so i don't add to the total recipe time.

recipe revisit/review: fried corn

i clipped this recipe from a magazine years ago, but i can't remember the magazine and therefore can't find a link to the specific recipe, so i'm typing it out here. also it'll be easier for me to find the recipe here since the clipping is so small that it tends to get lost in my recipe binder. i usually make this in the summer when corn is plentiful at the farmers markets. this recipe suggests canned corn as an alternative, but i haven't tried that out yet - maybe this winter.

Fried Corn
Makes 12 servings. (note: yeah, ok. never have i ever managed to get 12 servings out of this.)
Prep time: 15 minutes (another note: obviously your prep time may vary, especially if you're doing other things while cooking)
Cooking time: 20 minutes 

Ingredients:
5 cobs of corn or 4 cans of corn, drained
2 tablespoons canola oil
8 strips bacon, diced
3 chopped shallots, diced
1 tablespoon diced garlic
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 cup chicken stock
1 tablespoons organic honey
1/4 cup scallions, cut on a bias
Kosher salt and white pepper to taste 

Cut corn off the cob, or place canned corn in a bowl and set aside. In a medium sauté pan with the oil, slowly cook bacon until crispy. Remove bacon and half of the oil from the pan. Add the shallots, garlic and corn and sauté for 5 minutes. Add flour and chicken stock, cooking on low heat for 5 minutes. Mix in bacon and honey; cook for 2 minutes. Serve dish with scallions on top.

in tonight's version, i misread the quantity of scallions needed and went a bit overboard, but i'm hoping they'll mellow out a bit somehow. i used 6 cobs of corn and felt like i probably could've used 1-2 more. i'm thinking you could halve the oil, if not omit it altogether, and possibly skip having to drain as much oil when you remove the bacon. i have no idea how many garlic cloves i used and i'm pretty sure there were 10 slices of bacon left in the package i had in the fridge, so they all went into the skillet. aside from the overwhelming scallions, i'm pleased with how this turned out.

on: being a child-free woman of a certain age

I again faced a dilemma I’d been struggling with since turning 40: how to counter other people’s disbelief that I, single and child-free, could possibly be enjoying my own life.

i am so glad that this is not my dilemma. i read this nyt piece yesterday about a single woman in her 40s who, as far as i can tell, is living her best life right now. part of me can't believe that she encounters so many people who feel compelled to give unsolicited opinions on her marital and/or parental status (or lack thereof, i suppose).

yes, i occasionally come across someone, usually a stranger, who cannot believe that i don't have kids and have no desire to give birth. i am actually ok with being a 40-something single woman with no parental responsibilities. anyone who knows me relatively well knows that i have never felt the overarching desire for children. quite the opposite, really - i've known since i was a teenager that i didn't want to have kids of my own. being aunt(ie) eulalia is perfectly fine with me and has been for quite some time now.

this poor author, though. imagine being seated at a dinner next to someone you admire and having them tell you that you have a "terrible life." are you jealous, or just rude? (although i could be ok with getting a free steak out of the deal, if i'm being honest.)

My life is full of deeply meaningful relationships that go unrecognized when people tell me “not to worry.”

...If close relationships make people happy, as research suggests, I’m lucky, and grateful, to be inundated with those.

true. so very true. i'm so blessed to have the family i've created. y'all sustain me. you remind me of the differences between being alone and being lonely. basically, y'all are wonderful and amazing and i'm so glad none of you have said anything weird about my lack of progeny to my face because i might have to reconsider our whole relationship at that point.

seeing anita baker in concert: achievement unlocked

y'all.

it finally happened.

i finally saw anita baker in concert last night. i'd had tickets years ago for one of her shows, but it was cancelled. another tour took place while i was unemployed and could barely keep my phone on, so i had to skip that one.

when this farewell tour was announced, i vowed to keep enough money on hand to buy a ticket because there was no way i was gonna miss out again. funny story: before ravinia's season lineup was released, i kept saying that anita was going to play there. i just knew it somehow. when the schedule came out, i literally shrieked with joy: both because anita was part of the lineup and because my prediction was correct.

i got a little emotional before the concert started last night. i was there with quasi-landlord and another good friend of mine, and we still couldn't believe that this show was happening and we were there.

and then the introduction to "fairy tales" started playing and i burst into tears. i've written previously about my love for anita's compositions album (28 years old tomorrow! i know what i'm gonna listen to at work!) and it just hit me all over again. i found myself missing james, since he was the one who introduced me to the album. "fairy tales" is one of my favorite anita baker songs and i was finally hearing it live and in person for the 1st time. i was hanging out with a couple of people who were lifelines for me during that unemployed and technically homeless stretch, and...i was just so full, y'all. i was happy and sad and thankful and reflective and probably some other emotions i'm forgetting, all at once.

i'm so glad i got to experience this. part of me still can't believe it happened. but it totally happened, and i was there, and it was wonderful.

recipe review: brussels sprouts with sausage and cumin

i didn't want to do a full meal prep for this week so much as i wanted to have something for dinner that i would warm up relatively easily because i knew i had a couple of late nights scheduled. i knew there was a pack of italian sausage in the freezer, so i started looking through my files for ideas. i had everything on hand to try this recipe except for brussels sprouts, so i decided to go for it. i've only really come around to enjoying brussels sprouts in the past few years, and only when they're combined with other veggies or, in this case, sausage. i decided to up the quantities a bit and used about a pound of brussels sprouts and a pound of italian sausage and adjusted the cooking times accordingly. i'm actually about to warm up a bowl of this for dinner, but i sampled a little bit after i made it on sunday and i liked where the flavors were going.

recipe review: ginger-scallion chicken

new content at some point, i promise. in the meantime, here's my two cents on this recipe from the new york times cooking section that i tried last weekend. note that you may need to log in or register to see the recipe.

i had 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts and 2-3 boneless skinless chicken thighs in the freezer, so i used all of them for this. peeling fresh ginger reminded me of why i usually opt for dried ginger, but i figured i'd try it for this. i also added 2 minced garlic cloves to the ginger because there's no way that a recipe like this shouldn't have any garlic involved. i didn't actually measure the cilantro so i'm sure i ended up with way more than a cup, so i would probably dial that back a bit next time. also there were no large scallions at jewel when i shopped for this recipe, so i used 3-4 "regular" sized scallions. i think i measured out about a 1/4 teaspoon of sugar and thought it was fine.

i would make this again, more than likely with dried/powdered ginger because lazy. i'm also wondering if pork or turkey would work with this. i don't see why it wouldn't, as long as the cooking times were adjusted accordingly.

the mask i wear is heavy as fuck.

i do not want to be called resilient as a compliment. there is nothing complimentary about being resilient when you've had to develop that skill out of sheer necessity.

resiliency is part of the mask i wear. of course everything is fine. no, i'm not in a perpetual state of anxiety that some fucknut or group of fucknuts is going to ruin my life or the lives of people i care about.

i'm not wondering how freeing it might be to just be out here in the world without worrying if i'm too loud or too meek or too aggressive or too large or not the right kind of large or too educated or not educated enough or too other or not other enough. not contemplating what it would be like to just take up space without having to worry about any potential consequences.

i'm not fighting a daily battle against the constant assault on my humanity. not concerned about being seen as less than when i know good and goddamn well that i can outshine some of these people even when i'm at my most mediocre.

i'm not trying to hold on to the truth that i and the people who look like me are capable of more than even we ourselves can imagine. why would i do that? of course things are horrible everywhere but that has nothing to do with me, right?

wrong.

this mask is heavy as fuck and the shit is exhausting. can there be any honor in resiliency when the alternatives, assuming any exist, are bleak and/or out of reach?

don't tell me i'm taking everything in stride and doing so well and that you'd never be able to cope like i have. of course you'd never be able to. you've never had to.

of course i make it look easy. my survival depends on it.

it doesn't hurt me any less, though. if anything, the pain lingers because i know the hits are gonna keep on coming.

on: female friends

just finished reading this book and have spent a little time thinking about friendships between women off and on all weekend. the author discusses how making and maintaining friendships with other women used to be challenging for her, which, to be honest, is not something i can easily identify with.

i did appreciate that the author quoted a professor who pointed out that viewing friendships as an indulgence as opposed to a necessity, especially when you consider it along racial and socioeconomic lines. white middle and upper class women of a certain age were taught to focus their efforts on finding a husband and taking care of the family. friendships weren't seen as essential. for women who weren't as well off, though, friendships were a part of life. you had to have a network for helping with child care or job hunting or transportation or any other number of things.

that makes sense to me. i can't remember a time when i didn't have friends who are women (or who identify as women). looking back, i can't remember my mother or my sisters-in-law or any other women i grew up with not having female friends, either. after my mother died, i went to live with her best friend's family because daddy couldn't keep working and make sure i got to/from school every day. it was great for me because she had a daughter around my age and we were totally besties. there were always examples of friendships among women (particularly black women) for me to follow. while i heard all kinds of variations of "you need to be independent and be able to take care of yourself and not rely on any man to do it for you" growing up, there wasn't much discussion of how to manage friendships. maybe it was implied, based on how the adults in my world operated. of course you would have friends and spend time with them whenever possible and be there for them. that's just what you do.

i guess that's part of what made this book so fascinating for me. the notion of a woman feeling that friendships with other women aren't important or don't matter or are out of reach just does not compute. yes, i know there are plenty of "i don't like women" or "all my friends are guys" or "women are just too [insert adjective here] to be friends with" women out there. i wonder if they know what they're missing.

i also got to thinking about my female friends, and how they've navigated and continue to navigate various life changes (marriage, kids, deaths of family members or friends, moving, etc.) while maintaining the friendships that they've deemed worthy of honoring and respecting. how we've come to a point where we can identify the people who matter most to us and do what we can to make sure they know how important they are. it's not easy work by any stretch of the imagination, but we do it because the payoff is just so great. there are any number of women i could reach out to right now to chat about various things, both major and minor, and i hope they know they can do the same.

coincidentally enough, the sex and the city movie was on as i finished reading the book. i've seen the movie more than once and when i turned in this afternoon, it was near the end. even though much can and has been said about how the characters from the tv show/movie aren't as relatable as some people would like them to be, i'm still struck by how they stand up for each other. that's what friends are supposed to do. it's amazing when it works and i really think that's why we keep at it. friends are awesome and i am definitely a better person for having y'all in my life. 💜

baconfest chicago 2018: a brief review

another baconfest is in the books. this is good news for my system. the roasted broccoli i made yesterday is already calling my name because holy crap i've consumed a lot of bacon (and a lot of alcohol) these past few days. i'm just happy that i didn't wake up nearly as hungover as i thought i should've, given my whiskey intake. maybe the bacon canceled out the booze somehow? i doubt it, but i'm also not going to argue with whatever science or magic worked in my favor here.

speaking of favor: here are a few things, in no particular order, that i really enjoyed during the friday dinner and saturday lunch sessions at this year's baconfest:

• pork belly clay pot from the roaming hog. i need this food truck to come to the city so i can eat all of the things. so many of us raved about this dish during friday night's session that i'm still kinda shocked that they didn't win the people's choice or golden rasher award. 
• bacon and fried chicken ramen from honey butter fried chicken. full disclosure: i had a bacon-less version of this ramen a while back when the hbfc homies had it on special and omfg that broth. i could drink that broth every day. why am i not drinking that broth every day? if a cup of that broth magically appeared as i type, i'd be 1) pleasantly surprised because i know honey butter is closed on mondays and 2) thrilled because i would so down that broth right now. honey butter won the golden rasher award for the saturday lunch session and i'm guessing that the judges felt the same way i do about that broth because omfg.
• bacon-stuffed chicken wing from burger bar. more full disclosure: i've had their wings, sans bacon, more times than i can count right now, so when i saw this on the baconfest lineup, i knew i had to try it. y'know, for science and quality control purposes. the bite i got was a boneless wing, but apparently there were actual bone-in wings (as god intended!) that the crew decided not to clue me in on. this is fine. i know where they work. they know i'll be in for wings and house wine (aka jameson).
• baconchetta from whirlyball. i know some folks from #thatsite may be reading this and yes, i totally said "you can whirl these balls, bitch!" under my breath when i made it to whirlyball's station. give me bacon and mango/cherry chutney and whipped goat cheese and you are pretty much guaranteed to have a happy customer on your hands because i love all of those things. 
• iberico bacon. this was so good that i totally spent $7 on a 8oz package to take home and stash in my freezer. i regret nothing. 
• bacon crack from nosh this. i had a sample of this friday night and before the saturday lunch session was over, i was handing them money for a bag of it because if you're able to successfully combine two of my favorite foods, you deserve my support. we'll see if this bag, which is still unopened as of this writing, makes it through the week. 

recipe reviews: sausage and cabbage, slow cooker mongolian beef, & chicken with white beans and tomatoes

the past 2 saturdays have been meal prep days for me, which is awesome because it's one less thing i have to worry about during the week.

last saturday's entree (registration may be required if you don't have a nytimes account) came about because i had some italian sausage in the freezer that needed to be used. i only needed to buy cabbage, which worked out because jewel still had cabbage on sale after st. patrick's day. i used a 20oz package of mild italian sausage and 1 head of cabbage that weighed about 3 pounds or so. there was still a bit of liquid left after the initial 2 hour cooking time, so i followed the instructions and let it cook uncovered for an additional 30 minutes.

i ate this for dinner almost every night last week (and took it for lunch at least once) and i am so making this again. i'm sure you could use chicken or turkey italian sausage if that's your thing. i bet it'd be good with hot/spicy italian sausage as well, but i'll leave that to y'all.

i also made a batch of lemon muffins to have for breakfast, but i think i overworked the batter and the resulting texture was not what i wanted and i threw out most of them. i'd made them before to relative success, so i was definitely annoyed by this turnout.

this slow cooker mongolian beef, though. quasi-landlord made this some months ago and enjoyed it so much that she sent me the recipe, along with her notes on how she modified it. per her recommendations, i added 1 red bell pepper that i sliced into strips and cut back the brown sugar to 1/2 cup. there were 3 garlic cloves left in the bulb i was using, so all 3 went in. i used 1/4 teaspoon of ground ginger instead of fresh ginger because that's what i had. quasi-landlord used sirloin tips and i used flank steak that i cut into pieces. i let the beef marinate in the fridge for about 2 hours before adding it to the crock pot for 2 hours on high. the only reason i'm even remotely upset about how this turned out is because the steak came out tough. it tastes delicious and i would totally make this again, but i want to try some different cuts of meat (and possibly boneless skinless chicken thighs) and experiment with the cooking times to see what happens. i had a bowl for lunch on saturday and have another serving packed for lunch tomorrow, along with some veggie fried rice i made with the leftover carrots and green onions. this is when keeping precooked brown rice, soy sauce, and eggs really comes in handy.

that was friday night. saturday's meal prep was this chicken dish, because i had chicken thighs in the freezer and wanted to do something a bit different. i used 3 garlic cloves, added 1/2 cup of white wine to the beans and tomatoes, and skipped the red pepper entirely. the chicken wasn't quite done at the end of the initial cooking time, so i'd say my total time was closer to 55-60 minutes. i had a serving for dinner tonight and while it tasted good, i don't know if i'd make this again - i wasn't as dazzled by this as i was by the other entrees i've made recently.

on: not remembering

i was hanging out with some friends last night and the conversation turned to marvin gaye, which was appropriate, given that yesterday was the anniversary of his death. we were trying to remember how our families reacted to the news of gaye's death, given that we were a bit too young to fully grasp what was happening at the time.

it didn't occur to me right away, but as the night progressed, i realized that the reason i couldn't really remember marvin gaye's death or how anyone around me would have reacted to it was because it would've happened exactly one month after my mother died. 7 year old me probably would've chalked up any crying or sadness as ongoing/residual from the previous month's events. my father would've been focused on figuring out how i was going to get to/from school since his work day started before my school day. i wonder if/how daddy was able to mourn, knowing he still had me and james (who was 21 at the time but still living at home) to be responsible for. if gaye's death would've just been one more thing for him to deal with on top of navigating a new reality that didn't have my mother in it.

to be honest, there's not much i remember after my mother's funeral. i do remember the letter my 2nd grade teacher wrote for our class at the end of the school year - her closing note to me was to have a great summer, work on my math facts, and keep up the good work with my reading. math is still not my strong suit and i have no idea what i did that summer (visits to st. louis and/or mississippi, maybe?), but obviously the reading thing kinda stuck. 😛

so, yeah. i have no idea where i was on april 1, 1984. google says it was a sunday, so i'm sure i went to church that morning, but i could not tell you how the rest of the day went. i wonder if james and/or daddy took a few minutes to mourn in private so i wouldn't see them sad or upset or ask them to explain yet another death. i wonder if they would've even felt comfortable enough doing so. i'd like to think so, but who knows?

meal prep, recipe reviews, and attempting to get back on track

the past month or so did a number on me, for reasons that have been previously discussed here. in an attempt to regain some normalcy, and because i realized that my calendar was relatively open this weekend, i decided to do some meal prep. i'd felt like i hadn't really spent any quality time in my kitchen in a while, and i really think it helps me both mentally and physically when i don't have to give much consideration to what's for dinner or lunch or breakfast when i have available options in my fridge/freezer.

somehow, this turned into a marathon cooking session of seven dishes (eight if you count the refrigerated diced potatoes that i decided to cook so i'd have them on hand as a side dish). i spent a little time earlier in the week going through my recipe binders and picking out things that sounded appealing based on what i had on hand and what i thought i'd be in the mood for. there were a few repeats in the pile (fish cakes, frittatas, and a bbq turkey sloppy joe that i hadn't made in what felt like forever) along with a few new to me ideas. here goes:

parmesan chicken thighs and veggies: i had chicken thighs on hand, so i only had to shop for the veggies. this was dinner last night, with rice vinegar instead of white wine vinegar and carrot chips instead of peeling/cutting carrots. i also added about a 1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder because garlic is delicious. i hadn't used the broiler on this oven yet so there were definitely some well-done spots, but everything still tasted good. i'm probably going to freeze 2 of the thighs and most of the veggies for use as a future lunch or dinner.

maple-mustard glazed chicken: i haven't actually eaten any of this yet, but i will say that i used 1/2 teaspoon of dried thyme instead of fresh, 3 small minced garlic cloves instead of 2 medium sliced, and 1 tablespoon of champagne garlic mustard that i brought back from my nye trip because i don't have any stone-ground mustard on hand. i should probably add some to my grocery list, because the sauce didn't seem to come together as i thought it should. we'll see how it goes after i reheat a serving or two. i actually had all of the ingredients (minus the stone-ground mustard) already on hand.

honey balsamic green beans: green beans were on sale at jewel and i knew i had everything else. this may or may not be a repeat, but since i can't remember the last time i made them, i'm willing to count it as new. yes, it's a paula deen recipe that, in hindsight, she probably "borrowed" from one of her minority employees. blame past me for printing the recipe back in 2010 and holding on to it all this time. full disclosure: those symphony brownies that i used to make all the time back in the day? also a paula deen recipe. we're all tainted. sorry.

dijon fish cakes: i love these so much. i had a bag of tilapia fillets in the freezer, so i knew i'd be making a batch of these because they're so easy and so delicious. i was catching up on barefoot contessa (hooray new season!) and she made a version of these with cod and lobster and that just seemed a bit too decadent for my taste, although i'd probably try them at least once. i used dried tarragon (a teaspoon, maybe?) in place of the dill.

i also made a batch of muffin-tin frittatas with breakfast sausage, yellow (or was it orange?) bell pepper, scallions, and swiss cheese. i had just enough swiss for maybe half of the batch, so i switched to an italian style blend for the rest. those will likely be breakfast for the week.

i wanted to use my crock pot for part of my meal prep, and a recipe for southern-style chicken and dirty rice from this atk cookbook caught my eye. the recipe called for 4-5 hours on low, so i went with 4.5 hours. probably could've gone with 4 hours flat, since the final texture was a bit on the mushy side.

i can't find a link for the bbq turkey sloppy joes, but it's pretty simple - cook some ground turkey, drain, add chopped bell pepper and onion, add bbq sauce, and done. i bought a bag of spinach so i'm doing a sloppy joe salad of sorts for a few lunches this week.

after all that time i spent in the kitchen, though? i really did feel better. like i had a firmer grip on things and could possibly maybe tackle the coming week and any/all ensuing drama. lord only knows if i'll actually be successful, but at least i'll be able to eat relatively well. 😛

on: grieving however tf you want

(originally written around 3pm today)

grief has been on my mind a lot lately. makes sense, given that this is the time of year when i go knee-deep into my feels because 4 of my favorite people died in february and march. today is actually the 21st anniversary of my father's death and i'm not really sure how i'm upright and functioning right now, tbh. i have definitely found myself on the verge of tears more than once today for no reason other than i miss my father, and my mother, and my brother, and my play auntie. all of them. fiercely. like, the pain is still kinda raw. surprisingly raw to me, even though i know enough to know that this time of year knocks me on my ass every single time and yet i find myself wanting to just dissolve into a puddle of my own tears and self-pity and bemoan the fact that almost all of the people i would walk through fire for are no longer around.

so, yeah. grief. y'know how people say that there's only one way to grieve and there's a distinct time period in which you're allowed to grieve. THAT IS BULLSHIT. it is complete and utter bullshit and i find myself getting riled up every time someone says it because it is so fucking false. we're all human, yes, but that does not mean that we're all wired to mourn and grieve the same exact way. some folks laugh through their tears because it's all they know how to do in that moment. others go completely silent. others still may hunker down and work and do all of the things in what appears to be a manic frenzy because that's their current coping mechanism. guess what? you and i have no say so whatsofuckingever on how they deal. none.

i really hope that, in my unfortunately long experience as a grief expert of sorts, i haven't inadvertently made y'all feel even worse than you already do by telling you that there's only one way to mourn someone or something. you are entitled to feel, or not feel, whatever you feel or not fell. everyone is different. every circumstance is different.

some examples for you. we held a wake for james the evening before his funeral. i don't remember crying much there, but i do remember marvin sapp's "never would've made it" coming on and carol and i, while involved in separate conversations, both calling for someone to turn that song off because we just couldn't handle it in that moment. after the wake, i met up with some friends at south loop club, where y'all had come through with balloons and brownies to help me feel better and i'm pretty sure a round of shots was involved. ok, possibly probably multiple rounds of shots, but you get my point. how dare i be out with friends knowing that i had to bury my brother the next day? what kind of mourning is that?

the same kind of mourning that had me hanging out with some of those same friends after james' burial. a friend's parents graciously offered their home as a gathering place, and so i found myself in northwest indiana surrounded by friends. i needed that, and god bless my friends for knowing me well enough to know that i'd need that and for giving me the space and ability to make that happen without having to vocalize it or organize it because i was not organizing a single solitary thing after all of the funeral preparations, thank you very much.

fast forward from 2009 to 2015. lori's funeral was on a sunday evening. i've written previously about how difficult that service was for me. i remember sitting in the choir stand after the funeral ended, bent over double and sobbing uncontrollably. i may or may not be tearing up as i'm typing this part. did i mention how i've been on the verge of tears off and on all day today? i'd sat in that choir stand next to or near lori for years when i was still an active choir member back in the day, and without asking anyone or saying anything, i decided to sit there during the funeral. it just felt right to me and i regret absolutely nothing about it.

anyway, there i was, seemingly inconsolable. i couldn't have moved in that moment if i wanted to. i remember a few folks just sitting there with me and passing me tissue once i started coming up for air, because they knew how much lori meant to me, to all of us, and that my breakdown was part of my process.

so of course i wound up at pippin's afterwards and drank as much jameson & ginger ale as i could physically tolerate. i don't quite remember how i got home after that, but i do remember one of my bartender boos asking if i wanted a regular sized drink or a "i had a bad day" drink, and me replying that i'd just come from a funeral and therefore i needed the most ginormous drink possible. i may have drank those cocktails from pint glasses that night. one of those drinks had grenadine added by accident because bartender boo wasn't paying attention, and i drank it anyway because feelings are the worst and so what if i was probably dehydrated from crying so much and couldn't remember if i'd actually eaten anything that day? grief does that, you know.

grief does lots of things. lots of different things. daddy died right before finals and therefore i tried to focus on finishing assignments and being ready to take exams once i got back to campus. i was staying with my oldest brother & his family, and i remember hearing him on the phone talking about how i hadn't broken down yet and how worried everyone was because i was, to their eyes, keeping everything on the inside. if you know about my family's dysfunctional tendencies, then it will come as no surprise that i was holding back around certain people because i knew i couldn't trust them to honor or respect my feelings or that they wouldn't know how to deal with whatever i'd decided to share.

no big shock, then, that i fell apart at daddy's grave site. i remember someone from the army presenting james with a flag in honor of daddy's military service. i looked over at james and the tears were just streaming down his face, and i honestly think i blacked out at that point. next thing i knew, i was sitting in a car with lori, appropriately enough, and another one of my aunts, i think, and being told to take some deep breaths. to this day, i don't know how i got from the gravesite and into that car. i don't know how long it took or how far away the car was or how long i was out of commission. i'd ask james or lori about it, but...well.

is it any wonder that i get irrationally angry whenever someone says that you must grieve or mourn a certain way and/or for a certain time period? my mother has been dead for 34 years as of march 1 and if you'd like to tell me that i should be over it by now, please meet me outside so i can fight you we can discuss this like mature adults. sure, there are days/weeks/months when the pain isn't as acute or fresh, but let's not pretend that everything is always puppies and kittens and unicorns and tacos and whiskey. it's not true for me and, if we're honest, it's not really true for any of us.

grief sucks. it's weird and complicated and the rules are ever evolving and changing even though grief itself seems to be a constant in our lives. it feels like it's never going to go away. sometimes it doesn't, really. sometimes, grief just shrinks enough so you can continue trying to live your life the best way you know how, but it's still there and will occasionally tap you on the shoulder like "o hai! let's have a good crying session at a really inopportune time because i'm an asshole!"

grieve however you want. whenever you want. anyone who says you have to get over it within a certain time frame is also invited to meet me outside so i can fight them we can discuss this like mature adults. if you're able to find some joy in the midst of your grief, whether it be enjoying the company of friends or remembering a lighthearted moment or going to a movie or just treating yourself because dammit you still deserve nice things, even better. if you're able, surround yourself with the people and/or things that you think will help you. if you'd rather get through it solo and just update folks when you're able to think coherently long enough to send a text or tweet or email, that works too. the world is going to shit, yes, but some semblance of it will still be around when you get back.

as always, i'm around if you want to talk/cry/scream/vent about or through your mourning, of if you just want some company while you sit silently, or if you want/need me to play enabler and help you eat and/or drink your feelings away, or whatever. selfish as it sounds - and maybe this is why people have a hard time dealing with folks who are grieving - this is about you and what you need to get through. it's definitely a "your mileage may vary" situation. what has worked for me may not work for you, and that's ok. you might not know exactly how to feel, or you may feel guilty that you're not feeling enough, and that is also ok. take a deep breath if you're able to, because sometimes breathing is hard when everything hurts and you just want to be still and not feel anything...not that i know anything about that whatsoever. nope, not me. totally well-adjusted and normal over here! 😜

reach out to your support system in whatever form that looks like for you. go online or use social media if it's easier/better than dealing with folks in real life. if anyone comes at you in a malicious way, ask them to meet me outside so i can fight them.

love y'all to the moon and back. keep trying to treat yourself the best way you know how. you deserve nothing less. 💜

85

my father would've been 85 years old today. if you've been around for a while, then you know that his birthday tends to be a rough day for me. hell, this stretch of february through mid-march does a number on me every year, what with all of the death anniversaries and birthdays and accompanying feels. my therapist actually brought it up a couple of sessions ago, and i realized that i'd been so busy and so focused on getting through january (seriously, january was like the longest month ever for a lot of us, right?) that i hadn't even turned my attention to february and march.

but here we are. daddy would've been 85 today. the last time i saw him alive was on this date 21 years ago. holy shit. does that count as a lifetime ago? sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, and there are other moments where the pain still feels as fresh as i did when i got the call that he was dead.

i try not to dwell on how my life would be different if he was still alive. instead, i wonder if he'd be proud of me. if he'd support the decisions i've made along the way, even if he didn't understand them. i like to think he would. that he'd realize that he gave me the tools to navigate through life and how to adjust when things didn't go quite according to plan.

i hope he knows that. if heaven exists, i hope he knows that he did the best he could and that i'm doing the best i can.

i wish this for all of you, really. that the people you care about - family, parents, friends, role models - know that you are doing the best you can with what you have. and if you don't feel like you're doing the best you can, that's ok, too. doing the work is hard work sometimes, but we keep trying. that's the victory in it, i think: that we keep trying.

#attitudeofgratitude, valentine's day edition

hey, remember back in 2012 when i was absolutely miserable on valentine's day? god, that was awful. i'm writing this in my own apartment, on my new laptop that i purchased about 2 weeks ago with my work bonus. my candy bowl is pretty well stocked at the moment, even though it's the day before payday. hell, there was enough money left in my account for me to splurge on getting dinner delivered tonight. i actually did my taxes while i was waiting on said food delivery and finished right before my food arrived, so yay for that.

don't get me wrong. there is still a lot going on that needs to be fixed or even addressed, given that i'm writing this mere hours after yet another school shooting. i know i can't fix everything and/or everyone, but i can at least give thanks for the little bit of good i'm experiencing at any particular time. i think that helps when i'm feeling bombarded by/with all of the feelings.

3 years later...

lori died 3 years ago today. it still hurts. a lot. so much has changed and so much has happened and not being able to pick up the phone and call her about it sucks. i went back in the archives and reread what i wrote after her funeral and i still stand by it. if heaven exists, i hope auntie lori's there having the best time possible.

recipe review: cranberry-balsamic chicken thighs

if you're like me, you rarely think about cooking with cranberries until the holiday season. even then, i don't usually make cranberry sauce because i can honestly take it or leave it most of the time. kinda odd, then, that this recipe struck enough of a chord for me to add it to my files and make it for dinner a few nights ago. it may have also helped that the only ingredient i needed to buy was the cranberries (i used frozen ones that i thawed in the fridge).

i used about a 1/4 teaspoon of dried thyme instead of fresh, and eyeballed the salt and pepper as usual. not sure if i'd make this one again, to be honest. it wasn't bad, but i felt like it needed something. maybe some garlic? i know - for once, i didn't add any garlic to a recipe and that may have been the game changer. i still have 1/2 a bag of frozen cranberries left, along with some more chicken thighs, so unless i figure out something else out to do with the cranberries, i may end up making this again after all.

recipe review: sausage and sweet pepper hash

whole foods had various flavors of organic chicken sausage on sale a few weeks ago, so i bought a few to keep in the freezer. one of the flavors just happened to be chicken & apple, so when i came across this recipe, i realized i could make it for weekday breakfasts.

i used about a 1/2 teaspoon each of dried thyme and dried tarragon, because i wasn't interested in buying whole packages of fresh herbs when i only needed a couple teaspoons of each. i also added about a 1/2 teaspoon each of kosher salt and garlic powder, because i found the omission of both of those ingredients to be a bit odd.

i used the high setting because i was making it on a saturday night while doing laundry and i wanted to be able to put everything away before i went to bed. if i make this again, i'd adjust the timing once the peppers go in, because mine were still a bit on the crunchy side after the allotted 15 minutes. that, or i'd add the peppers a bit earlier so the potatoes don't turn into complete mush.

on: powering through, maintaining, being resilient, etc.

one of the things i have been trying to work on with regards to managing my anxiety is focusing on the things i can actually control. there will always be things out there that scare me. that i can't do anything about. that i can't fix. it's ok to acknowledge those things as they, more frequently than i would like, pop up.

the goal, though, is to continue doing what i can, where i can, and how i can. sometimes, it's doing enough meal prep to not have to think about food options for a few days. or writing my elected officials and/or other politicians/decision makers about my thoughts on an issue. or making donations, however small, to causes and organizations i trust and believe in so i can support their work.

sometimes it feels like i'm not doing enough. like i'm not being a good enough friend. like i'm not contributing enough or being supportive enough or communicative enough or peacefully silent enough. i can recognize that this can be a function of my anxiety playing tricks on me - that whatever i do won't be good enough and therefore i should just shut down and do nothing - but holy fuck is it an ever-constant battle.

i don't necessarily want to peel back all of the layers and let y'all see all the messiness in all of its glory. that's part of what therapy is for, right? 😀

but part of the deal i made after my last bout with suicidal thoughts was to open up. to admit when shit wasn't sweet. not that i always do this, mind you, but i'm trying to be better about it.

looking back, i'm not quite sure how i got through the 2nd half of 2017 as (relatively) well as i did. that whole moving twice in 6 months and having to convince myself that yes, i could take these steps and continue reestablishing myself just about broke me. i still can't believe i didn't plan anything for my birthday. i was tired and overwhelmed and the part of my brain that deals with logistics and planning was just like "NOPE" and i had to go with that. plus work kicked my ass during those past 6-8 months and since so much of what i do depends on logistics and planning and project management, i had to stay focused on that to make sure i had a job that would pay the rent and not have me feeling like i'd gotten in over my head.

anxiety is weird like that, y'know? it can make you forget that you're capable of setting goals and achieving them. at some point last year, i said i wanted my work bonus to be enough so i could get a new laptop. not only will that bonus be sufficient, even after taxes, but the raise that came with it means that i am still making more than i ever have in my career to date and that my efforts haven't been in vain.

it'd be easy to say that this is all possible because i did the work. let's be clear about all of the work that entails, though. it's about somehow finding the energy to do my job on those days when i just wanted to stay home and sleep. or cry. or both. having to remind myself that rent had been paid and i wasn't on the verge of eviction (real talk: i still occasionally look around this apartment - as i did in the last one - in disbelief that it's mine and i'm fiscally responsible enough to keep it). reminding myself that i had the space, both physical and mental but more so physical, to come home and do whatever i wanted or needed to get me through to the next days. of having days of powering through my anxiety and realizing i shouldn't have pushed as hard. of trying to honor when a part of me said i needed to sit down and stop doing all of the things. (i still fuck this one up. a lot.) of feeling so much emotional pain because so many people i care about are going through so many things and not really know what else to do but to get up and go to work. of sneaking off to the bathroom to cry because the anxiety was too much but i couldn't go home because fuck letting anxiety win that day.

and here i am. a whole entire brand new year staring me in the face. i don't have any resolutions per se. i want to keep doing what i can, where i can, and how i can. i want to continue meeting people where they are and, if circumstances dictate, leave them there. i want to keep going, not necessarily out of optimism but sheer stubbornness because i know there's more and i want to be a part of it somehow. i want to keep weeping both when my friends do well and when things go wrong for them. i want to make sure that all of this work hasn't been in vain.

amen.

recipe reviews: turkey tenders and proscuitto-wrapped pork with sweet potatoes and pears

these recipes jumped out at me when i was attempting to come up with ideas for things to cook once i got back in town, and i made both of them friday night as meal prep for this week.

the tenderloin i bought for the turkey tenders was about 1.25 pounds and was already separated into two pieces. i didn't get 20 slices out of it because i wasn't really measuring the pieces that closely. i had eggs on hand so i used 2 beaten eggs with maybe a tablespoon of water instead of the egg substitute. i used a mixture of garlic powder and kosher salt since i didn't have garlic salt. since the turkey pieces wound up on the large side, i cooked them a bit longer both on the stove top and in the oven - maybe 3-4 minutes per side on the stove and 8-10 minutes per side in the oven - to make sure they were cooked through. i've been using these as part of my breakfast with whatever side dishes may be in the fridge and i would totally make it again.

i had a couple of pork tenderloins in the freezer already and i have been trying to figure out how i feel about pears since i don't eat them that often, so trying this dish out seemed like a no-brainer. also i love sweet potatoes and prosciutto, so why not? i bought the pears a few days before i made this and they were no longer firm, which made cutting and baking them a bit of a challenge. definitely use firm pears for this one, folks. i think i set the timer for 25 minutes once i added the pork tenderloin and it came out damn near perfect. this has been my dinner for the past couple of nights (i added a salad tonight because i felt like i needed a salad in my life, lol) and if i can't think of anything to do with the remaining pork tenderloin in the freezer, i might break this back out.

recipe review: orecchiette with bacon, black-eyed peas, and spinach

merry new year!

i spent the last few days of 2017 (and the 1st day of 2018) out of town hanging out with friends and drinking wine. and beer. and whiskey. i think a moscow mule may have also been consumed at some point. hey, i was on vacation and i didn't have to worry about transportation, so all bets may have been off. yes, more than normal. don't judge me.

before i left, i spent a little time going through recipes to figure out what i wanted to make once i got back in town. i'm not always around or able to eat collards and black-eyed peas as my first meal of the new year, so i've adapted the tradition so that the first meal i actually cook in the new year involves those 2 ingredients somehow. i also try to make a new (to me) recipe every year, which has nothing to do with tradition and everything to do with continuing my way through the hundreds of recipes i've amassed.

when i came across this recipe in my files, i knew i could adapt it for my purposes. i bought a 16oz bag of frozen collard greens before my trip, because i figured finding fresh collards upon my return might be difficult, plus the thought of cleaning said greens was more than i could handle after a long train trip and work and unpacking and everything else. i probably should've picked up some frozen black-eyed peas while i was at it, since there were no frozen or canned peas to be found at jewel yesterday. i did find some "quick cooking" black-eyed peas in the produce section that promised to be ready in less than 15 minutes, so i went with a pack of those. i think the package was 12oz, maybe? i did a quick sort and followed the directions and sure enough, the peas were ready as promised.

if you know me, then you know that following a recipe's directions for garlic is not something i normally do. this one called for 1 large garlic clove, thinly sliced. i used 3 garlic cloves that i minced in my garlic press instead and cooked them with the cayenne pepper (maybe a 1/4 teaspoon instead of the 1/2 teaspoon? i can't remember right now) for maybe a minute or so until the garlic smelled delicious and had gotten a bit golden brown.

i added approximately half the bag of collards (which i'd taken out to thaw while boiling the water for both the peas and the pasta) and added them to the pasta about halfway through the cooking time. i wound up stirring the cooked bacon into the pasta mixture, since i was planning on refrigerating all of it vs. serving it immediately.

i brought some for lunch today with some italian cheese blend i'd sprinkled on right before i covered and put everything away, and i was a very happy camper. i'll have another serving for lunch before the week is out and then decide if i can try to freeze it for future use. there's no real sauce per se so i don't know how the pasta will hold up, so i may not freeze all of it immediately.

'twas the night before my birthday...

...and i have absolutely nothing officially planned.

i know. i can't believe it either. i really think moving again broke my brain in a way that i just could not deal with any more logistics or planning or checklists. just thinking about organizing something was enough to send my anxiety levels sky-high, so for once i decided to listen to myself and not force anything. it's a bit weird, because y'all know there is usually an itinerary a mile long posted here with all of the events i'm attending and brunch plans and bar hopping and all of that, but not this year. the celebration, such as it is, will probably still go through mlk day because that's just how i roll.

the move went well, btw. the aforementioned anxiety led to my packing way more than i'd planned to, especially since my estimate was for the movers to pack and move everything because why the hell not if i was getting reimbursed for it? i did have them pack the kitchen stuff, though, but that was about it. they finished in less than 3 hours and my final amount was about half of the original estimate, so yay. i still can't believe i got everything unpacked that afternoon and made it to city winery for a concert that night.

i am slowly getting accustomed to this new space, though. the kitchen's big enough to fit my table and chairs (and the table just happens to coordinate with the kitchen counters, which is hilarious to me) and i have a dishwasher and built-in microwave and a gas stove, praise black jesus, because the electric stove at the old place gave me the occasional fit. i need to figure out some sort of living room seating at some point, but the way my bookcases and the tv are currently set up are appealing to me right now so who knows? shouts to built-in shelving in the living room so i can display my diplomas and some art and other random things i'd had packed away. oh, and the bathroom's new and not pink (if you saw the old one, then you understand), which is great.

it occurred to me this morning that this will be the first birthday i've spent in my own apartment since 2010. that almost induced the ugly crying that my therapist and i keep saying i'm going to indulge in at some point when i look over the events of 2017. that crying jag might still happen whenever i wake up tomorrow. who knows? there's a bottle of expensive scotch (and a couple of bottles of not so expensive stuff) on the counter waiting for me, and the bears were nice enough to lose today so i don't have to worry about watching them be pathetic tomorrow (thank you, scheduling gods), and holy shit i'll be 41 tomorrow. i have no idea what the coming year is going to bring, and part of me is amazed that i'm still around to witness whatever happens, so cheers to that.

recipe reviews: fish house sweet potato hash and apricot glazed bacon wrapped pork tenderloin

quasi-landlord emailed me this pork tenderloin recipe with a note saying that she had an extra jar of apricot preserves that i could have whenever i was ready to try this out. she also had some cajun seasoning that one of us had bought for a different recipe, but she didn't like it as much as some other brand she had so the seasoning came home with me. i had dijon mustard on hand but it wasn't the grainy kind, because jewel was out of small jars of grainy dijon and i wasn't about to go traipsing hither and yon for something that i only needed a tablespoon of for this recipe. i used a 12-inch cast iron skillet and i think i'd have better results on a gas stove and/or if i wasn't cooking a few other things while this was on the stove top. the flavors are great, but the bacon wasn't as brown/crispy as i thought it should be. i'd make it again if i happen to catch pork tenderloin on sale or just had one in the freezer that i wanted to make use of.

i overbaked the sweet potatoes for this hash, which was annoying because the resulting texture wasn't really what i wanted. i probably should've checked the potatoes after 40 minutes or so in the oven, but in my defense, the potatoes i had were kinda large and so i figured they'd need the full hour. oops. i used 1/2 teaspoon each of dried thyme and sage because no way was i buying fresh herbs when i only needed a teaspoon or two of them. the garlic cloves i had were on the large side, so i only used 2. this is a great side dish and i would make it again, keeping an eye on the sweet potatoes as they're baking so they're still kinda firm.

sad sunday into melancholy monday

o hai, it me, still recovering emotionally from yesterday's church shooting. i'm glad i was at home when the news broke, so i could just go back to bed and cry for a bit after i did a mini-thread on twitter, because i'm not sure i could've handled being out in public and trying to hold it together. as it was, i wound up at a couple of my regular haunts in the evening and definitely wasn't feeling my usual sunday funday self. i totally woke up around 3am today because i was having a nightmare. it was frustrating because i knew when i went to bed that i was feeling more susceptible than usual to nightmarish thoughts thanks to the shooting, but i couldn't get my brain to skip over them so i could try to rest. luckily, it's been relatively quiet at work (where i wrote this originally) today so i can continue trying to get my shit together.

during my last visit, i told my therapist that i am trying to be better about focusing on the things i can actually control. there's no off switch i can flip for my empathy, but i can try to hone in on actionable things, be they big or small, that i can actually do something about. it doesn't always work and my anxiety is still on a trillion, but sometimes it helps me if i can cross off one or two things that i have some say over.

i also told her that i still find myself wishing for some semblance of normalcy in my life. that it feels like nothing in the past decade or so has really gone the way i thought it would. that i'm really frustrated by how little control i have over some things and the things i can actually control don't play out the way i want them to or think they should and then i find myself wondering why i even bother.

like the whole moving back into my own place thing. some of y'all know that my apartment building was sold, unbeknownst to me, as i signed a lease and started moving in back in june. the now-current management company told me upfront that my lease wouldn't be renewed in the spring, and then made a paltry offer if i decided to break my lease and move by, say, october. to my credit, i didn't laugh in their faces (seriously, the initial offer was ridiculous and wouldn't have covered nearly enough of my moving expenses).

a few weeks ago, i ran into some of the management staff on my day off and found out that the construction they'd already started on some of the vacant units was going to be ramped up after the end of november. keep in mind that my lease runs through may 2018. i still wasn't all that worried - i work monday-friday from 9-5(ish) so if the construction's happening during the day, i didn't think it'd be all that inconvenient. "but there'll be water shutoffs, and power outages, and we can't guarantee that everything will be working every night when you get home."

then they brought up a potential lease buyout and moving assistance, which was closer to what i wanted to hear if they really wanted me to move before the end of my lease. what nailed it for me was hearing that i would be the last tenant standing, so to speak, after the end of november. we all know that i'm the queen of the universe and have a tough demeanor and all, but nothing about being the only person living in a building where contractors and other folks i don't know are going to be in and out sat well with me. it still doesn't, to be honest. it's like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up whenever i think about it.

so the apartment search has begun, again, and i am getting annoyed with listings that don't provide address information (not even cross streets!) or photos, again, and my anxiety is back through the roof again because what if these new management companies take a look at my credit and laugh themselves silly while pocketing my application fees?

i'm trying to stay focused, though. i went on a few showings this weekend and found one in my current neighborhood and budget that doesn't suck. i am still hammering out the details of this move-out agreement with my current management company because if i'm going to move for the 2nd time in 6 months, i want them to shoulder as much of the financial and logistical brunt of it as possible. of course some intriguing units are popping up in my old neighborhood now that i've been spoiled by my shorter work commute, so i may check one or two of them out just to see if they're viable.

part of me can't help but to laugh at all of this, because why would anything in my life proceed normally and according to plan. i visited quasi-landlord a couple of weeks ago because i was totally freaking out and i knew she could help me see reason or at least help me start thinking about things in a rational way. she helped me clarify what i want, what i'm willing to work with/accept, and, god bless her, offered to take me back in if this current plan doesn't work out so i can save money and move back out in the springs when there are more listings to choose from. i don't plan on that happening, but i really do love her for making the offer.

i keep saying to myself, and to my therapist, and to the friends i've talked to off-line about this, that things will work out because they have to. i may not have the how or when nailed down yet, but they are going to work out because there's no choice. i am going to make things work out because i really don't know any other way to operate. sometimes, i really wish there was another way for me to function, though. maybe i wouldn't be as anxious or feel like i have to keep everything moving because the alternative is to fall flat on my face.

recipe reviews: curried chicken stew and sausage-and-potato pan roast

i knew i had a relatively empty schedule saturday morning/afternoon, so it was a perfect time for me to get a bit of meal prep done for the coming week. for breakfast, i revisited off this sausage & cheese scramble recipe that i've made off and on for years. i had two entrees in mind for lunch and dinner. this curried chicken stew was dinner for tonight and will likely be dinner for the rest of the week. i skipped all the garnishes and i think i'd add a bit more coconut milk if i made this again. i have a 4 quart crockpot and set it for 4 hours on high, turning everything off after about 3.5 hours. oh, and i seasoned the chicken with salt and pepper before browning it, and added a minced garlic clove to the carrots & onion.

the sausage and potato pan roast will probably be used for lunches this week. i had a few bites yesterday and tonight and i like where the flavors are going. i didn't have any lemons on hand but i did have a lime, so i used that instead. i opted to peel the shallots instead of leaving them unpeeled as directed by the recipe, because i didn't want to have to worry about peeling them after the fact.

recy taylor is still alive

(TW: rape)

every year, i say i'm going to be better about planning my chicago international film fest schedule, and every year, the fest sneaks up on me and i feel like i have to scramble to get tickets for the films i really want to see.

"the rape of recy taylor" was one of the films on my list for this year. i no longer remember who recommended "at the dark end of the street" to me, but i remember reading it and being fascinated. here was rosa parks, years before the bus boycott, working to help fellow black women get justice in an environment that couldn't even fathom such a thing for such a people. and here was recy, daring to stand up and speak up about what had happened to her, consequences be damned.

needless to say, i was in tears within the first 10 minutes of the movie. sadness, yes, but also anger. knowing that so many of us are still dealing with and healing from all kinds of trauma. that shit like this still happens with what feels like impunity. that no one believes us when we say "this is a thing that happened to me." i caught myself on the verge of kicking the chair in front of me, which i hadn't done since i watched "fruitvale station" in the theater and cried so much that i gave myself a migraine.

but then.

y'all.

recy taylor is still alive.

at the end of the film, we see and hear from recy directly and i am getting weepy just typing about it right now. i remember thinking to myself that i'd just managed to pull it together and then recy comes on screen and holy waterworks, batman. i apparently had cried so much during the movie that, on our way out, a woman nearby asked if i was going to be ok. i'm sure my eyes were red and my face was all blotchy. i wound up taking a lyft home from the theater because i was emotionally drained and i wasn't sure i could make it home on public transit. i think i wound up going to bed insanely early that night, too.

worth it, though.

and then this piece from bitch landed in my inbox this morning. i saw "marshall" (for free!) a week before it opened in theaters, thanks to a screening hosted by my employer, and a lot of the thoughts/feelings i had about the movie are addressed in that essay.

this is what happens when you read a lot, i suppose. at the "marshall" screening, i was surrounded by people who admitted that they didn't know much about thurgood marshall. i was at an advantage because i'd read this biography which, if memory serves, mentions the case that the movie focuses on. i could totally be wrong about that, but i remember watching the movie in a "well, of course this is what happens" kind of way. people left the screening waxing poetic about how much they'd learned and i felt like maybe i wasn't the target demographic for the movie, lol. absurd, of course, given that the director and producer were in my employer's nyc office urging all of us to take our book clubs and sororities and church groups and families and friends to see the movie when it opened. (i didn't, obviously. my review can be summed up like this: i'm glad i saw it for free.)

i suppose this could be chalked up to the difference between a documentary and a mainstream feature, maybe. that maybe there's more room in documentaries to flesh out stories that need to be told, even if your audience has read or is at least familiar with the source material.

speaking of documentaries: please plan on watching "sighted eyes/feeling heart" when it airs on pbs next year. i've seen three movies at the international film festival and this lorraine hansberry doc is my favorite so far. also i realized that i still get emotional when i see ruby dee and/or ossie davis on screen. sigh.

recipe review: meal prep edition

around this time last saturday, give/take a couple of hours, i was sitting down at the table after spending 2 hours in the kitchen prepping food for the coming week. it paid off because i didn't have to cook anything and i still have a little bit of food left that i will probably use for breakfast early next week. here's what i made:

i'm kinda obsessed with these mini frittatas. you might remember that after i made them the first time, i said that i'd try them again with pancetta and possibly some red bell pepper, and that's what i did. a 1/4 lb. of diced pancetta, 1 red bell pepper, and some shredded mozzarella and parmesan cheeses. i think i should've used a bit more black pepper, but otherwise i was happy. next time around, i may try them with some bacon sausage and broccoli or some other vegetable. maybe mushrooms? i dunno. i know i had breakfast set for the week and it was nice to not worry about what i was going to eat first thing in the morning.

next up was a roasted sweet potato and black bean salad. i used a spinach and arugula blend for the salad greens and this was my lunch all week. there were a couple of days when i went down to the cafeteria at work and bought some diced chicken and/or turkey because i felt like i needed some additional protein. i'd probably scale back on the mint because it got to be a bit overwhelming for me.

i found a recipe for maple-glazed chicken from this cookbook and realized i hadn't made it in ages, if ever, so this also happened. again, i'd scale back on the mint (or use basil instead). i think my chicken pieces were too large, so i'd probably adjust that as well. 

i'd never cooked with escarole before i made this, so i had no idea how much the escarole would shrink/wilt - it's like spinach in that regard. i may try a variation of it with collard greens for my new year's day* meal. this is the dish that i still have a little bit of in the fridge that will probably be re-purposed for breakfast/lunch next week.

earlier in the day, i'd made a batch of this punch with "regular" orange juice and had it with sparkling cider. i'd definitely try it again with sparkling wine.

i was exhausted by the time i was done cooking and cleaning, but in my defense, i'd been up since 6am and was running on fumes anyway. this past week was super busy and it definitely worked in my favor to not have to worry about what i wanted to eat, except for sunday when i wound up stopping for food because i didn't want anything i'd made the night before. :P

my dear miss sharon jones

i haven't been feeling 100% lately. i've been in and out of migraine hell since friday, and my brain keeps doing that thing where i have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS about subjects that i don't really need to ponder all that much and then i can't focus on what really needs my attention. this morning, i woke up out of a nightmare around 5am and felt another headache coming on. if that wasn't bad enough, said nightmare sent me down a mental rabbit hole of things that happened back when i was in high school and led to a slew of anti-epiphanies. this is not an optimal way to start a morning, let me tell you. i really could've used that time to sleep, instead of tossing and turning and trying to get my brain to settle down.

needless to say, being at work today was challenging, especially since i have a giant project going into production tomorrow and therefore it's been a lot of emails and calls and IMs and feeling like i'm juggling 5011 balls in the air while simultaneously herding 5011 cats.

i got back to my desk after a meeting this morning and decided to catch up on instagram before i settled back into work. this post about sharon jones' forthcoming album broke me. i didn't actually cry at my desk, but i came pretty damn close. i did the math on the release date and realized the album will be out right before thanksgiving, which means i can spend the holiday eating and drinking my feelings with this as my soundtrack. is it weird that i'm looking forward to having time off around thanksgiving because i may just decide to veg out the whole time? no? good.

recipe review: broccoli and bacon muffin tin frittatas

i like having breakfast in the morning. i don't necessarily like making breakfast in the morning, but i like eating it. i don't always want to spend money on breakfast before heading to work, either, so that means i'm either having leftovers or something else on hand for breakfast.

this recipe appealed to me because i love broccoli and bacon and hell yeah i can have breakfast on hand for a few days and not have to think about it . sign me up! i had frozen organic broccoli florets on hand, so i pulled out a 16oz bag of those and thawed them in the fridge overnight. i had a triple cheddar blend in the fridge along with a bit of gouda, so i used both because cheese is delicious.

i'm already thinking of making these again, but maybe with pancetta instead of bacon. not sure what veggie(s) i'm going to use yet, but i'll think of something.

recipe review: slow-cooker kielbasa and white bean cassoulet

i think i'd put this recipe in one of my "try making this soon" piles because i knew i had smoked sausage in the freezer that i could use in place of the kielbasa. i used great northern beans because those were the only dried white beans available at jewel when i went. i sorted and rinsed the beans before they went into the pot. i think i used 3 cloves of garlic instead of 2, and i used about a 1/2 teaspoon of dried thyme because the hell with buying fresh thyme if i only need 2 teaspoons of it. i set the slow cooker for 7 hours on low and hot damn did those beans come out perfectly tender. i'm sure i'll revisit this later in the fall or winter.

recipe review: thai turkey lettuce cups

i had a pound of ground turkey in the freezer that, i swear, was starting to openly mock me every time i looked at it. i didn't want to make pasta sauce with it, or meatballs, or any of the usual ideas, but inspiration was not all that forthcoming.

then i started reading the latest issue of cooking light, saw this recipe, and decided i could skip the lettuce cups part and just make the turkey and sauce mixture because i knew i already had everything i needed on hand! it turned out, though, that i only have dark brown sugar and not light brown sugar, but i wasn't going to let that stop me.

i am so making this again. i'm sure it'd be great with ground chicken as well. i ate it with steamed veggies and some brown rice and was quite pleased. it'll probably be a good meal to make for weekday lunches as well, either with veggies and/or rice or as a topping/added protein for a salad.

recipe review: sausage and kale stew with olive oil mashed potatoes

i'd had my eye on this recipe for a while, actually. once i remembered that i had a pound of "ground"/"loose" italian sausage in the fridge, i realized the time was right to try this one out.

i used 3 garlic cloves (shocking, i know) and reduced the water from 1 cup to about 3/4 cup. i have a 4-quart slow cooker, so i knew that using more water would make this more soupy than i wanted. instead of the ~7 cups of kale called for, i used a package of this kale blend and it worked out great. i set the timer for about 7.5 hours on low and the potatoes were perfectly tender when i took them out to mash them.

i'm not sure i'd make the mashed potatoes with olive oil again, though. it was my first time using olive oil in mashed potatoes and the taste and consistency was a bit different than i'm used to. the stew was great, though, so i can totally see myself making it again.

once a wildcat...?

i graduated from northwestern almost 20 years ago (holy shit i am the old) and while i always tell people that if i had it to do all over again, i'd go back to nu in a heartbeat, there are still some things that bugged me and continue to bug me about the school/administration/environment. enrollment and retention of minority and traditionally underrepresented populations has improved marginally over time, but i can still remember being downright giddy when a freshman class had 10% black people because omg we'd broken double-digits. (told y'all i was old.)

i still subscribe to the nu alumni newsletter/magazine and attempt to at least skim the alumni emails that land in my inbox. there was part of a note i received today that piqued my interest, so i followed the link and read about a new homecoming tradition at my alma mater.

instead of electing a traditional homecoming king and queen, there will be a single homecoming wildcat. it sounds kinda cheesy, i know, but this is what really sold me:

"The 12-person Homecoming Royalty Court formerly included six men and six women; the 12 top candidates will now be selected regardless of gender."

i will be the first to admit that i did not have the understanding or vocabulary to knowledgeably discuss gender identity some 20-something years ago, so as much as current me would like to be all "y'all should've done this way before now," i can't honestly say that because such a thought probably wouldn't have even occurred to me back then.

but here we are, in the year of our lord and savior black jesus 2017, and i am proud of northwestern for making a step in the right direction. here's to being a wildcat.

recipe review: chickpeas and spinach

who goes grocery shopping after work on a friday and then comes home to do some meal prep? o hai, it me. this is one of 2 new to me recipes that i tried out this weekend. i'd originally copied this from jacques pepin's cookbook and decided to pull it out of a recipe binder while trying to think through veggie ideas that weren't just sauteed spinach or steamed broccoli or green beans. the recipe in that youtube video is slightly different from the one i have, which calls for a 16oz can of chickpeas, a pound of baby spinach, canola oil instead of olive oil, and no vinegar. of course i added a clove of minced garlic because obviously jacques and/or his recipe tester/book editor forgot to include garlic somehow. 😊

i had 2 servings as a side dish for dinner on friday and saturday and took the rest for my lunch today. i am so making this again, y'all. i may try it with cannellini beans instead of chickpeas next time.

fun fact: i started typing "chicken" every time i typed "chickpeas" in this post. carnivorous habits die hard, i guess.

recipe review: roasted autumn vegetables & chicken sausage

i've been trying to spend a bit more time going through my binders full of recipes to come up with new (to me) dinner ideas. i knew i had a pack of chicken sausage in the freezer and could use that as a starting point.

i don't normally like brussels sprouts unless there's bacon involved or they're mixed with other vegetables. since this recipe calls for butternut squash and brussels sprouts, i figured i could give it a try. the chicken sausage is from a local vendor and was a special "bohemian chicken" variety that's reminiscent of roasted chicken. there were 6 links in the package so i used all of them. i think i wound up with 1.5 pounds of brussels sprouts before i trimmed them. the package of cubed & peeled butternut squash was 16oz, so that kinda evened things out as far as i was concerned. i used dried rosemary and dried sage, and since there were 5 cloves of garlic left on the bulb, i used all five. (i know you're all stunned by that, lol.) i eyeballed the salt and pepper as usual. after the initial 10 minutes of roasting, i stirred the veggies, added the sausage links, and roasted everything for another 30 minutes, stirring once about halfway through.

verdict? my opinion on brussels sprouts hasn't changed. we'll see if/how the flavors meld after a night in the fridge.

recipe review: road trip string bean and tomato salad

i bought a pound of green beans the other day because they were on sale and i knew i'd be going at least a little cooking this weekend. i also knew i wanted to try something a bit different from just boiling them or a simple saute. since i was working from home yesterday, i had time to go through my binders full of recipes for potential ideas. i read this one and although i didn't have balsamic vinegar or tomatoes on hand, i knew i was going back to the grocery store so picking those items up wouldn't be a problem.

there were 3 cloves of garlic left on the bulb i had, so i used all three. i wound up adding a bit more olive oil and a bit more balsamic vinegar because i didn't feel like i had enough dressing to coat everything. it tasted great last night and i'm interested to see how the flavors meld together after hanging out in the fridge.

recipe review*: bratwurst & veggie skillet

*-not sure if this counts as a review per se, since i didn't follow the recipe so much as i used it for inspiration.

i had a package of bratwurst in the freezer that needed to be used, but i didn't want to break out the grill pan and i wasn't really in the mood for making beer brats. to the interwebz i went and found the recipe linked above. in finding the link to copy/paste it here, i realized that i inadvertently left out both the cayenne pepper and the dried oregano when i made this the other night. i printed the recipe while i was at work and somehow those 2 ingredients got left off the page. oops.

there were 5 bratwurst in the package, so i thawed and sliced all of them. i used 6 small-to-medium red potatoes that i scrubbed and diced, along with the 2 red bell peppers and the sweet onion specified in the recipe. i found some baby rainbow carrots at the farmers market, so i peeled, washed, and cut them to use instead of the zucchini. i have roasted garlic powder instead of regular garlic powder because i wasn't paying close attention to the label when i bought it, but this is a good problem to have, imo.

i am still getting accustomed to how my oven works, so i let this bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, stirred everything around a bit, and let it continue baking for another 25 minutes or so until the potatoes and carrots i tested were tender. upon further review, i discovered that some of the potatoes were still a bit on the firm side, but not in an inedible way. i may freeze some of this to see how it holds up.

if/when i try it again, i'll probably use a different kind of sausage. maybe sweet potatoes or butternut squash instead of red or russet potatoes. probably carrots again, or maybe parsnips? we'll see.

on: saying "no" to yourself

we hear a lot about self-care. about putting yourself first. about treating yourself. about saying "yes" to yourself and the things that make you happy or bring you peace or whatever. but what about saying "no?"

i had some downtime yesterday between outings and decided to go home, have some lunch, do a bit of meal prep, maybe take a nap, and maybe clean my apartment before heading back out. the cleaning part was really weighing on me because i'd had to give myself permission to skip everything domestic last weekend (except for laundry and dishes) because i was way too busy and i just didn't have it in me to do anything else. even that was a struggle. i wish i'd kept count of how many times i said something like "ugh, i really need to vacuum" or "i wonder if i can pay someone just to clean my bathroom" last weekend. it was a struggle but since i'd said "yes" to doing all of the social things, i knew something had to give.

back to yesterday. i had my lunch and did my meal prep and was all set to maybe vacuum before taking a nap, but suddenly my body was like "nope." instead, i read for a little bit and then dozed off for, i dunno, maybe 30 minutes tops? i woke up and immediately knew something was off. i had the beginnings of a headache and i felt a bit queasy, which i was willing to chalk up to maybe drinking too much too quickly on a relatively empty stomach, but as i got out of bed, i realized that i was in actual physical pain. my apartment's not huge and yet walking from my bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen felt like a chore. this, of course, did not bode well for the last event on my calendar, but i figured i still had time to at least start cleaning up before heading out. i took an aleve, drank some water and some ginger ale, and decided that i could at least vacuum the apartment before i left and worry about the rest of the cleaning when i got back that evening.

by the time i finished vacuuming, though, i still wasn't feeling quite right. the queasiness had eased up a bit but was still lurking, as was the headache - which made me think that maybe a migraine was coming - and moving around my apartment still left me feeling as though i was literally dragging myself around.

i gave myself 10 minutes to sit back down, figuring that i could still get dressed and head over to my destination. i was only going ~5 blocks from home, so i decided that if things got really bad, i could just leave the event and head back home. on foot, of course, because the cta doesn't want me to have nice things like service on the #11 or the #37 on weekends or, as was announced this afternoon, no service on the #11 at all come september.

i was all set to say "yes" because i was going to a reading of a new/in-progress play, which is one of my favorite ways to enjoy the theater. also the playwright in question has written other works that i've enjoyed, and based on the synopsis i'd read, this production would also be right up my alley. oh, and it was free. all of the boxes were checked for a "yes."

and yet i had to say "no." the thought of getting dressed and walking to the venue and back was almost enough to make me want to cry. i was that physically tired. it's like the nap did nothing. the headache and queasiness were pretty much gone at that point (hooray for no migraine!), but i knew the best thing for me would be to curl up in bed with a book and relax, so i did.

that really fucking annoying voice in my head wouldn't shut up about the apartment cleaning, though. i think i read for almost 2 hours and the whole time, that tiny voice was all "what about the bathroom? weren't you going to swiffer the kitchen? what about the counters?" i finally gave in later in the evening and got up to clean the bathroom. i had to work in stages and take water breaks and rest between each task because my body was still in full "what is this whole moving around thing NOPE NOPE NOPE" mode, but it got done. then i made a cup of tea and ate the english toffee brownie i'd bought at the farmers market on saturday (note to self: go back and buy more of those brownies) and caught up on a few emails and other things online until i was ready to officially call it a night...after i swiffered the kitchen as my last productive act.

i felt all of the guilt about saying "no" to my previous plans. i'm almost positive that i would've loved the reading, and that i would've made it home without incident, and obviously i was just exaggerating about how tired i was and how unwell i felt and i shouldn't be so lazy. (did i mention that the annoying voice in my head is really fucking annoying? because it is.)

i woke up this morning feeling much improved over yesterday, which was good because i absolutely needed to be functional at work today. it's a short work week for me (o hai breast mri on friday! i couldn't forget about you if i tried!) and i'm on deadline, so being able to focus and get my work done is kind of a bigger deal than usual.

would that have been possible if i'd pushed myself to go out last night? knowing me, i would've found a way to power through today somehow, but i'm pretty sure i would've still felt like shit and not just in a "ugh mondays could you not?" kind of way.

so this is august...

today is august 1st.

i am 10 days away from having an mri exam on my breasts. please don't panic (because i'm doing enough of that for all of us, trust me) - i have not detected anything amiss, nor have my doctors, but given my family history and risk factors, we all want to err on the side of caution. also i want to do it while i still have employer-provided insurance because god only knows what's going to happen with that.

after i made the appointment for the exam, i called quasi-landlord to ask if i could crash with her the night before so she could drive me to the hospital, because i realized that worry about the logistics wasn't something i really wanted to deal with. i also asked the staff to prescribe some sort of anti-anxiety meds for the exam because we all know my hospital phobia is real as fuck and no one wants me freaking the fuck out. also the exam is supposed to take 45 minutes (heh) and there's no way i'm going to be calm and still for that long in that setting. q-l says we can go have breakfast afterwards because she knows i won't be hungry beforehand and the meds will have me loopy enough to need something on my stomach.

let's talk about how proud i am of myself for 1) remembering to make the appointment in the first place and 2) reaching out to q-l for help. y'all know how forgetful i can be. i can also be stubborn as hell and feel as though i can do everything by my damn self and then i'm wondering why i'm so fucking tired and anxious and depressed. sometimes you gotta outsource some shit.

so, yeah. i haven't said much about the exam even though it's been on my calendar for damn near a month. i am actively trying (and failing) to panic as the date gets closer. i am super duper vigilant about breast self-exams and i've already had 2 mammograms this year, thanks to the first set of results being inconclusive. that was fun, let me tell you. i know in my heart of hearts that there is nothing wrong and that there should be no surprises when the exam results come back. this is not just me being ridiculously optimistic. i really do believe this.

and yet, my brain works in mysterious ways and sometimes it likes to overthink things and panic when there is no logical reason to do so. it's a blast. if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong, i know that i can pull together some semblance of a plan and go forward after i have my initial "omg wtf is even happening right now" breakdown. that's what i do. i freak out for a minute (hour, day, month, whatever) and then i get back to work. sometimes, though, my brain doesn't allow me to work through things in a sensible way and i wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe because "what if they find something?" i am a goddamn ray of sunshine in those moments.

this month is also momentous for me because james would have been 55 this year and that is totally and completely fucking with me. sometimes i forget that he was only 46 when he died. when i'm really committed to wallowing in self-pity, i rage about how fucking unfair it is that he died so goddamn young and how dare he be taken from me and carol and everyone else who loved him when it's so obvious that we still need(ed) him around? if i allow myself to be honest outside of my therapy sessions, i can acknowledge how selfish i'm being and how i obviously had no control over when/how my brother was going to die and of course none of it is my fault. then i start feeling like a big bay because i miss him so much still that, again, if i allow myself to be open and honest about it, it physically feels like a part of me is missing. like there's a hole in my chest that can't be repaired. it stinks. i don't like it.

i was all set to get a tattoo (both daddy and james had the same first and middle initials, which made my decision easier) on what would've been on james' 55th birthday this year, until i realized it's the day before my friends' wedding. the tattoo will happen before the year is out, though. it's the only remaining item on my original "get your shit together" list. you may recall that the other items on the list were paying off my eviction, having fibroid surgery, and moving into my own place. all of those boxes have been checked and unpacked. i will somehow power through my dislike of needles and get this tattoo on at least one area of my body.

james would have been 55 and lori would have been 56 this year. did i mention how much this sucks? because it really does. of course their birthdays are a day apart because god in his infinite wisdom wanted to make sure that i could suffer in concentrated chunks of time vs. spreading that shit out. i'm ok with that part, actually. i tried explaining this to my therapist during my annual february/march doldrums and i'm sure she thought i was protesting too much at first, but when i broke down the schedule of dates and how/why they have such an impact on me, i think she came around.

my mri exam is on lori's birthday, which is the day before james' birthday. my friends' wedding is two days after the mri exam. i didn't have the birthdays in mind when i scheduled the exam but i was thinking of the wedding, since i was already taking that monday off as a recovery day (because drinking), so i figured i might as well get an extra long weekend out of it.

with that said, my current approach to this month is to make it to this wedding without completely losing my shit. if i survive the next, oh, 2 weeks or so, then i should be able to get through the rest of august relatively unscathed. hopefully. *knocks on wood* *crosses fingers* *prays to saints* *lights candles*