i think a waaambulance may be needed

so i found out tonight that former mayor daley has been dating someone for about 6 months. good for him. i'm sure maggie wouldn't want him to spend the rest of his days lonely. a couple of surprising things (well, to me, anyway) about the mayor's new "friend" - she's black (whoa) and she's 30 years his junior.

i'll be 37 in december, which means this young woman is only 4 years older than me. a woman in my demographic (well, age-wise, anyway - this woman's a doctor, for fuck's sake) is dating someone 30 years her senior.

30 years. what the hell?

i always said that my dating age cutoff would be 10 years older than me. any more than that and my "friend" would be close to james' age...or rather james' age if he were still alive (sigh), and that would just freak me out to no end.

even if i were ready to date, which i'm not, as previously discussed here, i'm definitely not ready to date men 30 years older than me. is this what i have to look forward to? dating men who are old enough to be my father? men who are older than my oldest brother? b/c, you know, dating isn't difficult enough as it is, but now i have to theoretically be prepared for old-ass men to try to holla at me? seriously? as much as i joke about wanting a sugar daddy with benefits and a pension plan, i'm not actually trying to date that far above my age bracket. this is bullshit!

and as i came to this (anti-) epiphany, i realized that i was kind of making a big fucking deal (s/o to crazy uncle joe biden) about nothing. hence the waaambulance. i'm sure people in higher socioeconomic brackets date older folks all the time and it's not a big thing for them. hell, a lot of y'all have dated and/or married people who are older than you, but not by 30 years, dammit. that's just crazy and why does it have to be this way and...sorry. that's why the waaambulance is here.

stories from work, part who the hell knows b/c i haven't been keeping track

story 1:

i get a phone call from a patron who says they'd paid some fines within the past week and need a refund. i explain that those requests need to be handled in person by a manager or supervisor, i give them the name of that day's supervisor and how long they'll be around, and the patron hangs up.

later in my shift, my co-worker gets a call from this same patron, who explains that they've paid ~$20 in fines within the past week and they need a refund. co-worker asks if we were in error somehow - did we charge them for a lost item that was actually on the shelf, or did they return an item that they'd previously paid for, etc. no, says the patron, the fines were accurate. they just need the money back b/c they're short on cash and so if we could just refund the money on their card, they'll pay us back later.

co-worker asks for clarification/confirmation that the patron did indeed ask for a refund b/c they're a little light in the wallet, tells them that no, we can't do that, and gives them the name of the supervisor who'll be in the next day b/c this patron is not taking no for an answer, apparently.

i check in with a different co-worker and find out that the patron called twice and that day's supervisor confirmed that no, we couldn't give them back their money w/o a valid reason.

yet another co-worker compared it to going to a restaurant, ordering and enjoying a lovely meal, and then telling the waiter that you're short on cash and you'll pay them later. i said it'd be like calling your phone company and telling them you need a partial refund on the bill you've already paid for that month, but that you'll totally give them their money back later. we all agreed it'd be like paying a friend back the money you'd borrowed from them, and then asking for some of it back that same week.

this is particularly entertaining to me b/c i'm also light on cash this week (seriously, payday can't get here soon enough even though most of my check's already earmarked for various expenses), but i wouldn't think of calling verizon and asking for some of my cell phone bill money back.

story 2:

a couple comes up to the desk with their young child. they tell my co-worker that it's their first time, and we're both thinking they're going to ask about setting up new accounts. nope.

"so...we've heard this is a popular place. why do people like coming here so much?"

co-worker explains that we have a variety of programs for children, and a whole children's section including a play area, and, you know, books and stuff. the couple is then directed to the children's area so they can check it out for themselves and ask any of the children's librarians questions.

the couple heads over, completely unimpressed. we keep an eye on them and they spend less than 5 minutes in the children's section before leaving. we then collapse laughing b/c the tone of their question was so absurd. we don't work in a trendy nightclub or a popular restaurant. it's a library. it's popular b/c people like to check out books and movies and cds and audiobooks. they like using the computers. yeah, it's weird that people actually wait outside for the building to open first thing (i've seen it countless times now and it's never not amazing to me), but i've given up on trying to figure that out.

i think the next time i go to a fast-food restaurant, i'm gonna ask a similar question and see what happens.

both of these stories happened within the past 48 hours, btw. i couldn't make this stuff up if i wanted to.

oh, and speaking of stories - remember frank and ethel? i saw ethel the other day for the first time in what felt like forever. she and frank are both doing well.

recipe review: pork ribs hunters-style

i went grocery shopping late last week and there were country-style pork ribs on sale, so i bought some thinking that i'd throw them in the slow cooker. then i looked at my calendar and realized that my weekend schedule wasn't really conducive to making dinner, so i waited until today.

in the meantime, i went through my hundreds of recipes b/c i felt like trying something new. not that the bbq ribs i tend to make in the crock-pot aren't nomtastic, but, y'know, these recipes aren't going to test themselves.

then i stumbled on this recipe that i'd saved from a cookbook i'd read a while back. never mind that i had to make a separate trip to the store for some of the key ingredients, b/c of course i couldn't plan ahead enough to find the recipe and update my shopping list accordingly. ugh. i used to be good about that kind of thing and i've fallen the fuck off. gotta do better.

anyway...i made it for dinner tonight and it didn't suck. i used one large yellow onion instead of 2 medium ones, tomato sauce instead of tomato puree b/c no way was i going to buy a whole 28oz can of tomato puree when i only needed a cup, 4 tablespoons of garlic paste b/c i tend not to measure garlic, italian seasoning instead of herbes de provence, and cinnamon instead of allspice b/c i realized this morning during my prep that there wasn't any on hand and so i had to ask the internet for a substitute. oh, and i skipped the parsley. everything else was pretty much according to the recipe. i was gone for a good chunk of the afternoon and therefore wasn't able to check on things until the 8 hours were pretty much done. i'm sure i could've stopped the cooking at about 7-7.5 hours and been fine, but such is life.

the "aaron sorkin" theory of television viewing

that clip from "the newsroom" i posted last night reminded me of a conversation i had with j while i was still living "up north." we'd both gotten hooked on the show and we both appreciated "the west wing," which naturally led into a discussion of aaron sorkin's genius or relative lack thereof. j mentioned that he started watching "psych" because of dulé hill, who'd previously been on "the west wing." my initial attraction to "parenthood" wasn't just b/c of the movie, but b/c of peter krause (a "sports night" alum) and lauren graham. yes, i know "gilmore girls" wasn't an aaron sorkin production, but it led to my theory that if an actor who was previously on a show you loved, you're likely to watch their new show, and that show will probably become a new favorite for you. the aaron sorkin connection that j & i figured out is that if an actor was previously on an aaron sorkin show, you're likely to watch them in just about anything within reason.

here's a few examples:

lauren graham: gilmore girls to parenthood
josh charles: sports night to the good wife
peter krause: sports night to parenthood
joshua malina: sports night to scandal

one exception to the rule: felicity huffman. loved her in "sports night" but i just could not get into "desperate housewives."

i'm sure i'm missing some connections, but i'm still kinda out of it from last night's emotional regurgitation. yeah, that's it. :P

sometimes i need to revisit shit while hashing out shit & other shit b/c apparently i really felt like saying shit in this title

from a post last fall:

"i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway."

holy hell does all of that still ring true months later, especially the part about getting sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall. that might be some of the realest  shit i've ever written publicly.

and here's some more real shit (and honestly, it's ok if you close this window if you don't wanna journey down whatever meandering path my emotions are leading me on right now) - i am really sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c no one will be there to catch them.

let me be clear. this is not saying that none of you would help me reassemble my life. hell, my life wouldn't be in the relatively good shape it's in right now if some of y'all hadn't stepped up when i really needed you. i love you guys forever for that, and i hope that's not ringing on deaf ears. i hope i'm not sounding ungrateful, b/c i really am thankful for all of you.

but that's not what i mean when i say that no one will be there to catch my pieces if i let them fall. you know how certain single people will reassure their friends and themselves when they say something like "i'm alone but not lonely?" fuck that shit, yo. i'm not entirely convinced those people have ever had a meaningful romantic relationship, and if they have, they need to write all of the relationship books and make the rest of us read them so we can learn how to cope with loneliness, b/c let me tell you, it's a bitch and a half sometimes.

people ask me why i'm not dating yet and i just have to crack up laughing. look at me, people. i'm a soon to be 37 y.o. broke as fuck woman who's currently typing this from her friends' guest room b/c i still can't afford a place of my own b/c i haven't landed a full-time job yet. the fuck do i look like trying to date someone right now? the hell am i bringing to the table? my looks and personality can only go so far. i want to be able to ditch a bad date and be able to pay my way home w/o worrying about busting my budget. i'd like to have the option of entertaining a gentleman caller in my own abode, thank you very much. why on god's green earth would i even consider dating right now?

and yet my heart sometimes overrules my logic, and that's where the loneliness comes in. being the relationship veteran that i am, i know how wonderfully amazing it can be to be in love and feel like you have a partner who has your back. i kinda miss that. i miss having that one special person. will it happen again for me? i hope so. maybe not in the matrimonial sense, but we know what happened the last time i made any sort of public vows and therefore i'm not gonna tempt fate.

have i said too much? i've probably said too much and now some of you will be looking at me with pity and i might have to punch you in the face b/c the last thing i want or need from anyone is pity. fuck your pity. your pity can go have all the seats. pretend i'm godzilla in this comic and your pity is one of those japanese hornets. do not want.

slightly back on topic - loneliness is real, particularly when you're dealing with a metric fuck-ton of shit that you'd rather not burden your friends with. instead, you deal with the aforementioned metric fuck-ton of shit the best way you know how, and sometimes you're successful, and sometimes you break down, and you have to be ok with it. you have to be ok with picking up the pieces yourself b/c you have no idea if/when someone else is going to come along holding a dustpan so you can sweep everything up. this is what i tell myself, anyway. would it be nice to have someone helping to pick up the pieces of my life? absolutely. not very high on my priority list at the moment, though. doesn't mean i can't give voice to it occasionally.

and now i will leave you with one of my favorite scenes from the first season of "the newsroom" b/c the voices in my head have deemed it appropriate to do so. g'night.

"what shall i tell my children who are black?"

one of the advantages of having been selected on a regular basis to read and/or recite things for church/school programs back in the day is that i still have certain poetic fragments floating around in my brain. this particular one has been floating around in my brain for the past few 12 hours or so, and since i'm unable to articulate an actual post about how i'm feeling at the moment, i will leave this poem here for y'all.

What Shall I Tell My Children Who Are Black?
by Margaret Burroughs

What shall I tell my children who are black
Of what it means to be a captive in this dark skin?
What shall I tell my dear one, fruit of my womb,
of how beautiful they are when everywhere they turn
they are faced with abhorrence of everything that is black.
The night is black and so is the boogyman.
Villains are black with black hearts.
A black cow gives no milk. A black hen lays no eggs.
Storm clouds, black, black is evil
and evil is black and devil's food is black...

What shall I tell my dear ones raised in a white world
A place where white has been made to represent
all that is good and pure and fine and decent,
where clouds are white and dolls, and heaven
surely is a white, white place with angels
robed in white, and cotton candy and ice cream
and milk and ruffled Sunday dresses
and dream houses and long sleek cadilacs
and Angel's food is white... all, all... white.

What can I say therefore, when my child
Comes home in tears because a playmate
Has called him black, big lipped, flatnosed and nappy headed?
What will he think when I dry his tears and whisper,
"Yes, that's true. But no less beautiful and dear."
How shall I lift up his head, get him to square
his shoulders, look his adversaries in the eye,
confident in the knowledge of his worth.
Serene under his sable skin and proud of his own beauty?

What can I do to give him strength
That he may come through life's adversities
As a whole human being unwarped and human in a world
Of biased laws and inhuman practices, that he might
Survive. And survive he must! For who knows?
Perhaps this black child here bears the genius
To discover the cure for... cancer
Or to chart the course for exploration of the universe.
So, he must survive for the the good of all humanity.

He must and will survive.
I have drunk deeply of late from the fountain
of my black culture, sat at the knee of and learned
from mother Africa, discovered the truth of my heritage.
The truth, so often obscured and omitted.
And I find I have much to say to my black children.
I will lift up their heads in proud blackness
with the story of their fathers and their father's fathers.
And I shall take them into a way back time
of kings and queens who ruled the Nile,
and measured the stars and discovered the laws of mathematics.
I will tell them of a black people upon whose backs have been built the wealth of three continents.
I will tell him this and more.
And knowledge of his heritage shall be his weapon and his armor;
It will make him strong enough to win any battle he may face.
And since this story is so often obscured,
I must sacrifice to find it for my children,
even as I sacrifice to feed, clothe and shelter them.
So this I will do for them if I love them.
None will do it for me.

I must find the truth of heritage for myself and pass it on to them.
In years to come, I believe because I have armed them with the truth,
my children and their children's children will venerate me.
For it is the truth that will make us free!

this was my theme song for most of the day yesterday

so i figured i might as well post it in lieu of actual content.

on: grief and timetables

i was hanging out with some friends one night and the conversation turned to kanye west's latest release. there was a definite divide at the table of people who'd listened to the album and enjoyed it, and people who thought it was all bullshit. (this is where i point out that i have not listened to said release and therefore i have no opinion about its artistic merits or lack thereof. kthx.)

as we kept talking, someone who thought the album was bullshit mentioned that since kanye's mom has been dead for 5-6 years now, it's time for him to snap out of his mourning and go back to putting out music that people actually want to listen to, like his first few albums. someone else at the table pointed out that kanye is obviously still missing his mother and may be working through his issues via his artistic output, and that's where we veered off into a discussion of grief and how long it should take someone to get over a death.

you guys know i couldn't sit on the sidelines of this topic, and therefore you won't be surprised to learn that i jumped in at some point and said that there's no statute of limitations on grief. i mean, i should know, right?

and it's true. one of the very first things i tell friends who've lost a loved one is that anyone who tells them that they have to get all of the mourning out of their system now is full of shit. you mourn and cry and scream and whatever else you feel you need to do whenever the hell you feel like it. obviously the first few weeks after a loved one's passing are rough (believe me, i know, and i hate that i'm kinda the resident expert on it at this point), but there is no magical date on the calendar when you have to "snap out" of grief mode. it doesn't work that way...at least, it doesn't work that way for me and most people i know. if that works for you, then more power to you.

this is particularly resonant with me b/c a friend just lost her father this weekend and i'm sure someone with the best of intentions will tell her to get it all out now. this is where i come in and say don't rush the process. it's hard enough getting through the steps you need to take to say goodbye to your loved one - don't stress yourself out b/c you're not crying enough or you're crying too much. follow your instincts. if one day you want to do all the things and then pass out in a sobbing heap, go for it. if another day you want to stay in bed and eat all of the food and cry all of the tears, do it. don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or set a timetable for your mourning. it's yours. take as long (or as short, as the case may be) as you need. if a well-intentioned person tells you otherwise, have them come talk to me. :-)

america!

fuck yeah! fireworks! fuck yeah! i am actually listening to fireworks going off in the neighborhood as i type b/c i'm not quite ready to sit in the dark with the shades up to watch them. not that i haven't done that before, b/c i totally have, but i'm just not feeling it at the moment.

i got to see all kinds of fireworks in indiana tonight (#thankslaz) and saw numerous displays while riding home. in the midst of watching fireworks while on the expressway, though, i have to say that it was a bit odd not seeing the red line running along the dan ryan. i hadn't been south of downtown since the red line construction project started, so this was the 1st i'd seen of the stations and tracks in various states of repair. it was weird.

at one point on the ride back, i said something about tonight's fireworks being able to temporarily distract me from chicago's flaws and make me fall in love with the city all over again, and that tomorrow we'd go back to worrying about education and murder rates and guns and parking and everything else that sucks around here.

today, though? america. fuck yeah. chicago. fuck yeah. fireworks b/c both my inner 7 y.o. and my inner pyro are having a fucking field day? fuck yeah.