on: turning 46 and this year's #alldecembereverything

confession: i've been feeling a way about my birthday this year. i know that may come as a surprise to some of you, so go ahead and take a second to process that however you need to before you continue. 😉

it took a little while for me to realize that my feeling a way about my birthday this year is because i'm turning 46. not in a "holy shit i'm OLD" way, even though that's true, but because james was 46 when he died. 

i am going to be the same age my brother was when he died.

it's taken a while for me to say this online because it hurts. it hurt when i first said it out loud to my therapist and to a close friend. it hurts as i type this. i wrote about it in my journal earlier and definitely cried into my emotional support bourbon. 

i say that to say that i am feeling a way about this year's celebration. yes, i have plans, and i will likely be at a bar at least once or twice to drink with friends because that's how we roll.

but it doesn't feel "big." part of it is because this year has been challenging and exhausting and i'm letting myself nope out. also, y'know, ongoing pandizzle and the dumpster fire clusterfuck that is the world these days. 

there will still be celebrating, though, because i'm me and it's my birthday and the celebration can be whatever i want or need it to be. it doesn't have to be "big" to be real. 

one thing i'm going to try to work on during 46 and beyond, as i've started calling it in my head, is being more open and vulnerable. part of that is being able to say publicly that i'm going to be the same age my brother was when he died and hey, this shit is hard. i might lean on y'all more than usual in the coming year and hopefully that looks more like me being vulnerable vs. me being needy and clingy. if it doesn't, then i need y'all to be open enough to call me on it. i want us to be as honest with each other as we can be. deal? deal. 🤝

recipe reviews/so, that was christmas

it's the day after christmas and a week and some change after my birthday. hooray! i was really burnt out by the time my birthday break came around, so it was probably for the best that i didn't go overboard with plans. especially since, y'know, there's still a whole entire pandizzle happening. 

i realized that i hadn't really decided on a meal prep strategy for the week between my birthday and christmas, so i decided to make potatoes, sausage, and green beans in the crockpot. yeah, it's super basic and yeah, i added more garlic and used my last package of roasted garlic turkey smoked sausage, but it got the job done.

this roast chicken with onion gravy was one of the mains for christmas dinner. the gravy took a bit longer to emulsify to my liking and i actually wound up using a cornstarch slurry to bring it together, but it tasted great, especially since i added about 3-4 cloves of garlic to the onion/broth mixture and used black garlic salt to season the chicken. i'm sure the omission of garlic in the original recipe was just some sort of oversight, lol.

hope y'all are hanging in there. can't believe 2022 is around the corner. trying not to get my hopes up too much about the new year so maybe i can be pleasantly surprised when things go well? yeah, i don't really believe that either. 

on: 43

barring any technical difficulties, this post will go live on my 43rd birthday. happy birthday to me! this was another year of me not planning any major activities, primarily because i didn't really have the energy to deal with the logistics of a group outing. my calendar has been booked pretty solid the past few months and it's nice to not have to do all of the things. hell, i spent the first few days of this year's birthday vacation running errands and going to doctor's appointments. i'm trying to be better about taking breaks so i don't wear myself down/out. 

i'm also trying to be better about acknowledging and being thankful for progress, despite the current state of affairs...well, everywhere. also it's the end of the decade and if you've been around for a while, then you know how tumultuous the past decade has been. it's not bragging to say that i've come a long way. my therapist caught me trying to underplay my accomplishments and they rightly called me out. it's totally ok to be pleased with progress while still pondering potential improvements. it's also ok to be pleased with how i'm feeling right now without needing to achieve more. 

it's already been 2 years since i moved into this apartment. i honestly don't know where the time went. bills are paid and i have copious food and beverage options handy. work has been bonkers lately but i can't control any of it, so i'm trying to ride it out and see what happens. it's great to even have that option. it's also great to have my circle of friends and family grow even stronger over time. 

what's next? good question. definitely continued shenanigans and fuckery with my friends. hopefully weeping with joy and not abject sorrow on election night. i'll likely be having another surgery to deal with my fibroids. i'll still be involved with bourbon women chicago, so if you're 21+ and want to learn more about bourbon, you should join now so you're ready for 2020. (memberships also make great gifts!) (also don't let the "women" part deter you - there are men in our group. if you identify otherwise, you are still and always welcome.) 

what else? i dunno. my therapist asked if i was going to make resolutions for 2020. i said i usually don't make resolutions so much as i try to keep moving in a positive direction. that obviously means something different for everyone, so your mileage will definitely vary. 

but first, i am going to celebrate my birthday. and yes, the celebration will continue through mlk day because why not? i deserve nice things occasionally. 😀

#alldecembereverything, 2018 edition

it's the most wonderful time of the year! i didn't do much last year for my birthday because my brain was still broken after moving (again). i'm already looking forward to making up for that this year.

here's a list of things i'll be doing throughout the next month or so. i've provided links where possible. join me or, if none of these work out, let's plan to hang out soon.

wednesday, december 5: sip & shop with bourbon women chicago at binny's lincoln park. this has become one of my favorite ways to kick off my birthday month. $10 gets you lots of bourbon samples, and you'll get to hang with me and some of my fellow bourbon women members.

thursday, december 6: elmwood blues' 65th birthday. yes, that elmwood blues. leave it to the fine folks at nisei lounge to come up with more reasons for me to give them my money.

sunday, december 9: bears vs. rams on sunday night football. will probably watch this at nisei.

tuesday, december 11: authors on the lake with rick bayless at theater on the lake.

monday, december 17: happy birthday to me! i'll be back at nisei that evening accepting birthday drinks and other salutations. candy cane malört is back, so it's entirely possible i'll be drinking that if i haven't already at some point that weekend.

thursday, december 20: official launch party for two lane gems, vol. 2. if you've enjoyed theresa's adventures as the local tourist, then you'll probably dig her latest book.

i'll try to post updates if any of these plans change. hope to see you at some point this month!

'twas the night before my birthday...

...and i have absolutely nothing officially planned.

i know. i can't believe it either. i really think moving again broke my brain in a way that i just could not deal with any more logistics or planning or checklists. just thinking about organizing something was enough to send my anxiety levels sky-high, so for once i decided to listen to myself and not force anything. it's a bit weird, because y'all know there is usually an itinerary a mile long posted here with all of the events i'm attending and brunch plans and bar hopping and all of that, but not this year. the celebration, such as it is, will probably still go through mlk day because that's just how i roll.

the move went well, btw. the aforementioned anxiety led to my packing way more than i'd planned to, especially since my estimate was for the movers to pack and move everything because why the hell not if i was getting reimbursed for it? i did have them pack the kitchen stuff, though, but that was about it. they finished in less than 3 hours and my final amount was about half of the original estimate, so yay. i still can't believe i got everything unpacked that afternoon and made it to city winery for a concert that night.

i am slowly getting accustomed to this new space, though. the kitchen's big enough to fit my table and chairs (and the table just happens to coordinate with the kitchen counters, which is hilarious to me) and i have a dishwasher and built-in microwave and a gas stove, praise black jesus, because the electric stove at the old place gave me the occasional fit. i need to figure out some sort of living room seating at some point, but the way my bookcases and the tv are currently set up are appealing to me right now so who knows? shouts to built-in shelving in the living room so i can display my diplomas and some art and other random things i'd had packed away. oh, and the bathroom's new and not pink (if you saw the old one, then you understand), which is great.

it occurred to me this morning that this will be the first birthday i've spent in my own apartment since 2010. that almost induced the ugly crying that my therapist and i keep saying i'm going to indulge in at some point when i look over the events of 2017. that crying jag might still happen whenever i wake up tomorrow. who knows? there's a bottle of expensive scotch (and a couple of bottles of not so expensive stuff) on the counter waiting for me, and the bears were nice enough to lose today so i don't have to worry about watching them be pathetic tomorrow (thank you, scheduling gods), and holy shit i'll be 41 tomorrow. i have no idea what the coming year is going to bring, and part of me is amazed that i'm still around to witness whatever happens, so cheers to that.

update: #alldecembereverything, 2016 edition

i've decided that this is indeed a thing that will happen on 12/17. stop by for a round or 5 and wish me a happy birthday. https://t.co/A68Fd9nHrZ

— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 6, 2016

it is entirely possible that i'll be at @NiseiLounge 2 weeks from tonight accepting as many birthday drinks as i can. you should join me.

— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 4, 2016

original #alldecembereverything post is here as a reference.

happy tuesday! 😀

#alldecembereverything, 2016 edition

i will be 40 years old on december 17. this year has been such a clusterfuck that i still don't really know what i'm doing on my actual birthday. if you've known me for a while, you know that this is so not how i tend to roll. usually by this time, i've already sent save-the-date emails, if not actual invites, for various things throughout the month of december, but i don't have my shit all the way together this year. part of it is because i was waiting to see if i'd be moving before my birthday (which, as of this writing, does not look likely, but never say never). another part of me was toying with the idea of throwing some ginormous soiree befitting the milestone occasion, but, y'know, adulting is hard and did i mention that 2016 has been on some bullshit? my energy levels are too low for that right now.

side note - a friend asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i drew a goddamn blank. i am not one of those super altruistic "oh i have so much already you don't need to get me anything" people, but it's been a few days since that question was posed and i still can't point to anything specific that i absolutely would love to have. y'all know me. i like chocolate, and books, and tacos, and shoes, and alcohol, and bacon, and earrings, and music, and food, and monkeys, and handbags, and pandas, and art, and really long sentences. 😏 that said, gift cards for amazon, target, binny's, dsw, starbucks, or other places you think i'd dig are always acceptable. buy a bottle of booze and stick a bow on it if you want. hell, make a card and stick a bow on it. or a pretty shiny ribbon. or a bow and some ribbon. or just buy me a drink or 3 if you see me out and about between now and martin luther king day.

at any rate, here's my current list of celebratory opportunities for december. events that i will definitely be attending will be underlined. things that i'm on the fence about will be in italics. i will update the list as warranted.

saturday, december 3 - brooke and the nice things at untitled. no cover. untitled does have a dress code, though, so check their site for details.

wednesday, december 7 - bourbon women chicago's sip and shop at binny's in lincoln park. tickets are still available as of this writing.

monday, december 12 - christmas movie night at untitled. double feature of "it's a wonderful life" and "a christmas story." free admission.

tuesday, december 13 - chef's table at jerry's in lincoln square, hosted by the local tourist. tickets still available as of this writing. 

sometime in mid-december - alternative christmas double feature: mistletoe mayhem at music box. "die hard" and "gremlins." i don't know which date i'm aiming for yet, so if/when i decide, i'll update here accordingly.

saturday, december 17 - holy fucking shit it's my birthday! as i mentioned, no concrete plans as of yet, but i'm sure i will end up somewhere watching some sort of sportsball and drinking some sort of alcohol. will update when i know more.

sunday, december 18 - holy fucking shit it's the day after my birthday! #sundayfunday activities will depend on how hungover or unsober i am from the night before, but it's safe to assume that more sportsball and alcohol will be involved.

saturday, december 24 - no discussions yet, but i'm pretty sure jesusjack will be happening again this year. come to the casino (exact details tbd) and play blackjack and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight. no, i am not making this up. yes, this is an actual thing that happens.

for a colored girl who had a rainbow connection on her birthday

i was in my hotel room last night flipping channels (there's a channel called planes trains and automobiles and i totally got sucked into watching it for a good half hour or so) before i went to bed and "the muppet movie" was on amc. it was technically no longer my birthday since it was after midnight, but i was still counting it as a birthday miracle.

i love the muppet movie. it is one of my all-time favorite movies. i mean that without any irony. i love that movie even though i cry at the ending every single time like i don't already know that "the rainbow connection" won't hit me directly in the feels.

so to close out my birthday with the last few minutes of one of my favorite movies was great, especially since i actually heard from more family members than i thought i would on my birthday.

my family, my brothers in particular, hated the muppet movie. family legend has it that my parents took me to see the muppet movie in theaters and when it was over, i bawled b/c i wanted to see it again. my father had to bribe my brothers (i feel like this is something james would've had to do as the youngest brother, but maybe all 3 of them were involved) to take me back the next day to see the muppet movie again.

i have no idea how my family feels about the muppet movie these days. i honestly have no idea how they feel about a lot of things and i'm ok with that. what i know is that yesterday was my birthday and they managed to get their collective acts together and call/text me to wish me a happy birthday and actually mean it. and then i closed out my celebration by crying while singing "the rainbow connection" for the 5011th time. it was almost too perfect and i tweeted that i had to tell this story today b/c i knew i was a bit too sleepy (and, let's be honest, a bit too unsober) to do the story justice last night.

thanks, universe. you sure know how to make a girl feel special on her special day. more of those kinds of awesome coincidences and not so much the ones that completely suck, mmkay? thanks.

39

i woke up feeling like prince akeem: "why yes, it IS my birthday!" where are my royal bathers and rose petal bearers?!?

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) December 17, 2015

holy shit i am now 39 years old. i just read through my blog entries from 2015 and i can't believe i'm here. no, really. those suicidal thoughts i had in october could have developed into something much more serious and dangerous, if not deadly.

i'm glad i'm still here. i'm glad that a lot of the things i've been working on this year, like meeting people where they are and owning up to shit and making peace with this empath/caregiver walk of mine, have proven to be the things that i really should be focusing on. i'm glad that i still get to play enabler and cheerleader for so many of you. that we're all working on embracing the crazy and dreaming big and living our lives as fully as we can.

the coming year (fucking hell i'm going to be 40 next year!) is shaping up to be a helluva ride. i'm excited and, not even gonna lie, a little scared at the same time. i don't know how things are going to play out, let alone if they're going to play out in my favor or how i would like them to, but i am going to try my damnedest to trust the process.

thanks for sticking around for another year. hopefully we can look back on 2015 (after punching it in the face) and laugh ourselves silly about some of it when it's all said and done.

wake me up when december ends

december's always a fun month for me. not just because of #alldecembereverything (birthday in 8 days! wheeeee!), but because i tend to start looking forward to the coming year and seriously thinking about what i want and about what's realistic for me.

i have some goals for 2016 that appear to be a bit lofty, but i think i can nail most of them before i turn 40 next year. (yes, i'm old. shut up.)

some of them are easy enough on their face, like getting a tattoo (it'll be my first one) and maybe throwing myself a massive birthday party (it is a milestone birthday next year, after all) and continuing to pay down my debt (thank god for baby steps).

but then there's moving.

i am so ready to move, and yet i occasionally wonder if i'm pushing myself too much. never mind that my goal since being evicted in 2011 was to get back into a place of my own.

it's that nagging voice of self-doubt. the one that says wanting more is absurd. that i should be glad for my current situation and just be content with its stability.

y'all know me, though. that's not how i tend to roll. one of the primary reasons why i've managed to hold on for so long during the past few years is because i had/have an ultimate goal in mind. something to keep working toward and striving for.

maybe part of it is not knowing what my next major goal is after i'm in a place of my own again. my type-a minus personality likes order and structure and not having a firm plan of attack is enough to make my skin crawl. that's a constant battle, really - giving myself permission to be flexible and go with the flow vs. needing to know what's gonna happen next.

#alldecembereverything: the 2015 edition

i know, i know - i start this celebration earlier and earlier with each passing year. this year's early start isn't technically my fault though. quasi-landlord offered to take me to dinner and to see one of my favorite musicals as an early birthday present this past saturday, and since when am i going to turn down dinner and a show, especially on someone else's dime?

that said, here's the (still sorta kinda in progress) list of #alldecembereverything activities. i'll add/edit as things pop up and as plans get firmed up.

tuesday, december 1 - chef's table at replay beer & bourbon and elixir in andersonville. tickets ($35 all inclusive) are still available as of this writing.

thursday, december 3 - bourbon women chicago holiday sip & shop at plum market in old town. if you're a member like i am, tickets are $10; non-member tickets are $15. registration is still open as of this writing.

thursday, december 3 through sunday, december 6 - one of a kind show at merchandise mart. you can keep an eye on goldstar for discounted tickets; they're currently sold out but it's possible that additional discounted tickets will be released. i will probably go friday night after work or on saturday, and i think i have one extra free ticket, so if you want in, let me know.

monday, december 14 - higher: renee fleming & patricia barber perform the music of patricia barber at the harris theater in millennium park. discounted tickets on goldstar are currently sold out, but as above, additional discounted tickets may be added if you want to keep an eye on them.

tuesday, december 15 - "self-portrait in a kanye mirror" at the museum of contemporary art. this event is included with museum admission, which just happens to be free on tuesdays for illinois residents.

thursday, december 17 - HOLY CRAP I'M 39 as of this date.

thursday, december 24 - there's been no discussion yet b/c it's still kinda early, but i'm pretty sure jesusjack will once again be a thing. you know you wanna come to the casino and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight. :-)

in addition to the events listed above, there will likely be some sort of football and/or hockey watching between now and january. stay tuned.

38

i would post a "this is what 38 looks like" picture, but i'm still in bed and my hair's a mess. also, if you've seen me recently, you pretty much have a clue as to what 38 looks like. not much has changed. :-)

and this is where i quote myself from last year's b-day post:

"today - and really, the whole month of december so far - is about celebrating myself. i'm alive. i'm relatively well. i'm safe. i may not have my own place but i have somewhere to sleep that doesn't involve a shelter or a cta train. i have a part-time job that doesn't completely suck. my friends win all of the awards for being wonderful. i am loved. there is obviously a metric fuck-ton that i can be upset about, and trust me, i am totally upset about a lot of things a lot of the time, but for right now, in this moment? happy."

i stand by all of that. if anything, the list of things i'm upset about has grown (america, fuck yeah?), but i  have so much more to be thankful for, also. like friends who cue up the jukebox with prince, rick james, and stevie wonder and order shots of whiskey right at midnight so i can start my actual birthday off right. i'm thankful for this year's b-day staycation. hell, i'm thankful for the ability to recognize how many things i have to be thankful for. not everyone can do that.

here's to 38 being a spectacular year. i have no idea what's in store, but i'm glad y'all are along for the ride.

happy birthday to me!

on: difficulty with generosity

why is it sometimes so challenging for me to accept generosity from others? (sorta kinda related: why is it so challenging for me to spell "generosity" correctly on the first try? thank god for spell check.)

a friend from college emailed me to say they'd be in town this week for work, and wanted to know if we could hang out one evening. calendars were consulted and a date was made. i asked if my friend wanted something specific for dinner, since they haven't lived here full-time in forever. not really, they said - this was more of a pre-birthday celebration dinner for me anyway, so i could pick the restaurant (within reason, of course).

needless to say that i was excited about this prospect, not only for #alldecembereverything reasons, but also b/c i hadn't seen this friend in a while and we always have fun when we catch up.

and then another friend, who'd already said they were plotting a celebratory surprise of sorts for my b-day, sent me a note with some of the particulars for our outing. i might have done a little dance of joy while i was at work reading my email. ok, i totally did a little dance of joy while i was at work reading that email, but then i remembered i was at work and therefore i should keep the dancing to a minimum.

obviously i have no issues accepting generosity during the month of december and, depending on how my annual celebration plays out, sometimes into january. it's the ordinary (read: non-celebratory) acts of kindness that i have issues accepting at times.

i alluded to this back in october (also i just realized i spelled "engagement" wrong in that title and fixed it before i started writing this, dammit) and i found myself wrestling with it again last night. y'know how some people have trouble accepting compliments? i have trouble occasionally with people being nice to me. it's not that i feel that i'm unworthy of such kindness b/c, as we all know, i love myself to the moon and back and beyond. i think it's more of a residual superwoman complex - deluding myself into thinking i have to do every gotdamn thing myself and then feeling guilty when someone offers to do something that will make me feel better, even if it's fleeting.

i know i'm not the only person who struggles with this, even though the rationale behind it may be completely different. i am trying to be better about this, i swear. i do not want to be that guy picking a fight or starting an argument when someone does me a unsolicited favor.

#alldecembereverything: the 2014 edition

guess what time it is? no, it's not peanut butter jelly time, but i completely understand if that's your first answer.

it's #alldecembereverything time! yes, ladies and gentlemen, my absolute favorite time of year is here! yes, i know december doesn't start until monday, but since quasi-landlord is taking me out for an early b-day dinner celebration on sunday, i figured i'd might as well post the celebration list in its current form so y'all can pick and choose which (if any) activities you want to participate in.

tuesday, december 2: "porgy and bess" at lyric opera. goldstar has discounted tickets available.

thursday, december 4: bears vs. dallas. thursday night football. #anyonebutdallas. it's entirely possible that i will end up watching this game at home, but on the off chance that a game watch gets organized, i'm putting it out there.

friday, december 5: i'm going to the one of a kind show at merchandise mart. discounted tickets available via goldstar, or you can try to find freebies via some of the participating artists. if you want to go on friday, let me know b/c i have an extra free ticket. first come first serve.

saturday, december 6: karaoke at third coast comics at 7pm-ish. i'll be there after i get off work. byob.

sunday, december 7: sweet honey in the rock at symphony center in the afternoon. also short rib dinner that evening with the fine folks at sunday dinner club. if you want in on the nomz, let me know & i'll forward the details to you.

wednesday, december 10: women employed event with roxane gay. if you haven't read "bad feminist" or "an untamed state" yet, you should do that. both books are amazeballs.

sunday, december 14: ladybrunch at angelina. 11am-ish, depending on when i can get a reservation. you should rsvp if you haven't already. if you didn't get an invite and feel that you should have b/c we're cool like that, please let me know so i can rectify this oversight.

monday, december 15: bears vs. saints monday night football. depending on the weather and my budget and other factors, i will either be at soldier field or at a bar for this game. stay tuned for updates as i get this one figured out.

tuesday, december 16: blackhawks vs. wild. i am hoping against hope that i will be at the united center for this game. if that falls through, i'll likely watch it at burger bar b/c $5 wings on tuesdays are delicious.

wednesday, december 17: happy birthday to me! lunch at primehouse as per my usual, then the david bowie exhibit at the mca (squee!) at 1:30. dinner and/or drinking later that evening tbd.

thursday, january 1: bilal at city winery. i bought discounted tickets via goldstar and you should too, b/c saving money is awesome.

yes, i know that last event isn't in december, but if you know me, then you know that i'm likely to continue this celebration until MLK day, if not longer.

i will try to update this list as events warrant. happy almost #alldecembereverything! :-)

37 (and still counting, please god)

guys. guys. guys. guess what day it is? c'mon...guess what day it is?

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! *releases virtual balloons and confetti*

i've developed this annoying (to me) habit of waking up between 3-4am for no apparent reason whatsoever. when it happened this morning, my first thought was still "fucking hell why am i awake so gotdamn early?" but then i realized that it was officially tuesday, december 17, and therefore i'd actually made it to my birthday (not that i was all that worried, but still), and so i went into #attitudeofgratitude mode and managed to go back to sleep shortly thereafter.

a couple of nights ago, i tweeted about having a story to tell today. see, this time 20 years ago, on my 17th birthday, i was super-depressed and if i'd managed to put my hands on a sizable number of pills, i probably would've attempted suicide. that's not a secret, right? i mean, i alluded to such in one of the intro posts i did for this blog (see #7), so i don't feel like sharing this is a super big deal.

my original plan for this post was to flesh out more of why i was feeling suicidal 20 years ago, but when i finally woke up f'real this morning, i decided that wasn't the route i wanted to take today.

today - and really, the whole month of december so far - is about celebrating myself. i'm alive. i'm relatively well. i'm safe. i may not have my own place but i have somewhere to sleep that doesn't involve a shelter or a cta train. i have a part-time job that doesn't completely suck. my friends win all of the awards for being wonderful. i am loved. there is obviously a metric fuck-ton that i can be upset about, and trust me, i am totally upset about a lot of things a lot of the time, but for right now, in this moment? happy.

#alldecembereverything: the list

hi guys! guess what month it is? it's december! happy birthday month to me! as in years past, i will be treating myself to various social outings and gatherings, and you're invited to join in as much or as little of the fun as your schedule and budget allows. trust me - i totally understand about the budget thing. :P

here's the list as it stands right now:
saturday 12/7 - karaoke at third coast comics. do it. you know you wanna.

sunday 12/8 - one of a kind show at merchandise mart. i'll be there with a couple of girlfriends. there are discounted tickets available from goldstar, and some of the artists may have links to free tickets on their websites.

monday 12/9 - bears vs. cowboys on monday night football. i don't know where this game watch will be happening yet, but it's gonna happen. stay tuned.

tuesday 12/10 - "the upstairs concierge" at the goodman at 7:30pm. tickets are free, but you need to reserve in advance.

wednesday 12/11 - apparently this show at schubas is sold out, so unless you already have a ticket, you  will be unable to go to there with me. sorry.

saturday 12/14 - "the rooster room" staged reading at the goodman at 11am. ok, yeah, this one is also sold out, but it looks like there might be standby tickets available? my bad.

oh, and i might do brunch after the staged reading. i'm kinda on the fence about it as of this writing, so we'll see.

sunday 12/15 - it's possible that i'll be hanging with bff in the afternoon/evening, but if there was some sort of gathering that involved the bears game, i would not be opposed to participating in said gathering.

tuesday 12/17 - happy birthday to me! lunch at primehouse as is my tradition, and then watching the blackhawks game at burger bar later that night. 1/2 price wings, anyone?

wednesday 12/18 - dj michellelesliebrown makes her triumphant return to dance dance party party! ladies only. $5. dancing. it's gonna be ridiculous.

thursday 12/19 - unbridled at untitled. 10pm. burlesque + whiskey = good times. i have a very limited number of free tickets available, so if you'd like to go and save your cover charge for more whiskey, let me know asap so i can save a ticket for you.

tuesday 12/24 - 'tis the season to go gambling on christmas eve and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight!

this list will be updated/edited as needed. happy december! :-)

happy birthday bff!

nothing i write this morning will be as eloquent as what i wrote 2 years ago. actually, nothing i write between now and whenever i eventually go to bed tonight will be as eloquent as the post i did 2 years ago. the only thing i can come up with right now is "happy birthday! god, we're old." which is true, but you see how it lacks a certain...well, eloquence. wait, eloquence is a word, right? brb, checking teh googlez...

ok, eloquence is a word. i wasn't sure. hey, it's early and i'm kinda in denial about having to work today. but it's friday and as long as the normal friday crew shows up, work shouldn't suck too badly.

but today is not about me! it's about my bff, who really is one of my most favorite people in the history of everything. thank you for not giving up on me. thank you for being there to talk me into or talk me out of things. thank you for being a sounding board. thank you for being you. i love you like i love ll cool j and books and chocolate and alone time, which, as most of y'all know, is saying a lot.

here's to a year of awesome things b/c god knows we both deserve it. :-)

(some of) the reasons why i fucks with sjb

omg you guys. today is softjunebreeze's birthday. she just happens to share a birthday with prince. i'm kinda hoping the faux prince account on twitter will wish her a happy birthday, b/c that would be awesome. it'd also be awesome if any of the real and/or fake joe biden accounts wished her a happy birthday. you'd think i'd have more pull with crazy uncle joe by now, given my ongoing desire for him to come to chicago so we can have all of the liquor and party hard andrew w.k. style, but no.

so, instead, i am writing a post in honor of sjb's birthday while i'm slightly unsober. b/c sjb would be like "fuck yeah!" b/c she's one of my key partners in shenanigans and fuckery and other decisions that may or may not be considered bad/poor in hindsight, but sound like "winnar!" at the time.

b/c sjb's one of the people who offered me their futon when i was couch-surfing (and not in the fun "vacation all i ever wanted" kind of way) back in 2011. b/c when i got ready to leave sjb's place and head over to my bff's house for the next portion of my couch-surfing, sjb was all "dude, take this cash so you can cab it from here to the metra station w/o having to worry about lugging that big-ass suitcase on the cta." i'm sure i thanked her at the time, but i'm not sure she knows how much that meant in real life. it meant a lot.

and did i ever tell y'all about the time sjb broke my brain when she said that mj's "billie jean" and cee-lo's "bright lights bigger city" were sorta kinda the same damn song? seriously. check it out for yourselves:

"billie jean"


"bright lights bigger city"


mind you, i may or may not have been unsober when she first told me about this, kinda like how i may or may not be unsober while i'm writing this post, but still.

oh, and if you've ever seen/heard me reference #leyomitwirl, it's b/c of sjb. she's the one who first showed me this classic:


i'm sure there's all kinds of youtube/other internet-based goodness that sjb put me on to that i'm forgetting, but, y'know, unsober. besides, i don't wanna totally embarass her. that would be rude.

y'know what's not rude, though? closing this post with this song that borrows from prince's "let's go crazy." i mean, it is also prince's birthday, so i might as well give him a shoutout, right? right.

80

my father would've been 80 years old today. the last time i saw him alive was on february 18, 1997. he'd been in the hospital for weeks, one of his legs had been amputated, and during our damn near daily calls at that point, i'd gotten the feeling that he was hanging on by the proverbial thread and i wanted to say my goodbyes in person.

i recruited my then-bff to trek from northwestern down to trinity hospital with me. here's something you might not know about me - hospitals make me claustrophobic. if i'm in a hospital for longer than, say, 90 minutes, my skin starts tingling and it becomes more difficult for me to breathe normally. i'm sure any therapist worth their degrees would tell you that it's due to the fact that my mom was hospitalized when i was young and she never came home, but i'd made my peace with it and therefore knew i needed to operate on the buddy system.

i can't remember if i told anyone that i was coming to see daddy on his birthday. i probably didn't tell daddy b/c i wanted to surprise him, daddy's girl that i was, and still am, grown-ass woman status be damned. maybe i told james? i honestly don't remember. i'm sure someone was there when then-bff and i arrived.

i don't remember if daddy and i had a conversation. it's possible i just sat there with him. it's more than likely that i cried a little. i do know that during that visit, i realized that it would be the last time i'd see him alive, b/c it was just too painful for me to see him in that much agony. so i said goodbye. not out loud, and not in a way that would freak any of my family members out. but silently. softly. almost prayer-like. i do remember telling god that if it was indeed daddy's time to go, that i'd be ok with it as long as he didn't have to suffer anymore.

and i left, not only b/c my goodbyes were done but b/c i was starting to shake and itch and my breathing was getting a little on the shallow side and then-bff knew enough to get me the hell out of there so i could get some fresh air and not pass out.

when daddy died about a week later, i wasn't shocked. i was sad, of course, and probably a little pissed off despite the previous talk i'd had with god about it, but not shocked.

it's 16 years later, and if you had told me then all of the ways that i would take after my father now, i would've laughed in your face. you would've been accurate, though. there are some days when i surprise myself with how alike we were/are. maybe it's a function of getting old(er). maybe some of those traits were there all along and they're just becoming more pronounced. i don't know and i'm not really sure if i care. when memories and mannerisms are all you have to cling to, the particulars aren't really important...which is probably a good thing in daddy's case b/c the man, god bless him, had his flaws and faults.

i'm not going to write about those flaws and faults right now, though. it's hard enough getting through this time of year (daddy's birthday, the anniversary of daddy's death, the anniversary of my mom's death, the anniversary of james' death, and my mom's birthday - all w/in a month's span) without coming up with more reasons to cry and/or drive myself over the edge.

instead, i'll just say happy birthday to my father. may he continue to rest in peace. amen.

still celebrating

i'll spare y'all the details of exactly how much alcohol i consumed last weekend. i will say, though, that this year's jubilee, so far, has been one of the best i've had in the past, oh, five years or so. a huge thank-you to any and all who helped me celebrate, even if it was just via happy birthday texts/calls/tweets. fanfuckingtastic, i tell you.

i'll be in the city tomorrow-wednesday for a catsitting gig, so if you're around and you wanna hang out, let me know. my current plans include going to brew & view tomorrow to see "flight." sunday after work, i'll be at burger bar trying their december burger special, which may or may not include wild boar and pork belly. you don't have to order it if you don't want to, obviously, but i am b/c i'm crazy like that.

safe travels to all who are hitting the road this weekend. :-)