favorite songs from 2012

these are all songs that were added to my library in 2012. as opposed to previous lists, most of these songs were actually released this year, so i don't feel too guilty about including a couple of oldies, so to speak. there's no particular order going on here, btw.

if you're on spotify, you can listen to the list here. if you're not, or if you just want an actual cd b/c that's how you roll, let me know and i'll try to get you one sooner vs. later.

not quite a year in review, but close enough

happy almost 2013! i'm putting the finishing touches on my "favorite songs of 2012" playlist, but in the meantime, i decided to revisit some things i'd wanted to accomplish this year. you might remember earlier this year that i had a whole list of things that would be (back) in my life in 2012. i'm pleased to report that some of those things have happened. specifically:

--a smartphone with a data plan - aka my early birthday present to myself

--a trip to the dentist - ok, so technically this was a quasi-emergency visit b/c one of my teeth was giving me fits, but i'm counting it

--a job that doesn't suck - granted, it's part-time and there's no benefits, but yay books!

--arts/cultural/entertainment outings and live music (as in going to concerts more often) - these didn't happen as often as i would've liked, but something's better than nothing, i suppose

--dining out - the 2 best burgers i had this year were both at burger bar. the lobster fries at edzo's made me dance in my chair a little bit and it's possible that i shed a single tear of joy.

--disposable income - again, not as much as i'd like, but i am beyond grateful for having any at all.

--at least one trip to the casino, preferably on christmas eve for jesusjack - i can't believe i had the foresight to put this on my list, but it happened and i only lost $50, so i'm happy.

what will 2013 bring? hopefully a full-time job that doesn't suck and an apartment of my own in chicago. if i get that far, i'm pretty sure i can get some of the other things i want to fall into place, or at least be in a better position to make some things happen. maybe then i won't be as emotionally exhausted as i was when i wrote this back in october. i still stand by that post, though. it might've been some of the best writing i've done on the blog this year.

anyway...there's football on and there's a drink at my feet and i should pay attention to both of those before i call it a night. if i finish my 2012 faves playlist before i start celebrating nye, i'll post it - otherwise, i'll see y'all in 2013. :-)

still celebrating

i'll spare y'all the details of exactly how much alcohol i consumed last weekend. i will say, though, that this year's jubilee, so far, has been one of the best i've had in the past, oh, five years or so. a huge thank-you to any and all who helped me celebrate, even if it was just via happy birthday texts/calls/tweets. fanfuckingtastic, i tell you.

i'll be in the city tomorrow-wednesday for a catsitting gig, so if you're around and you wanna hang out, let me know. my current plans include going to brew & view tomorrow to see "flight." sunday after work, i'll be at burger bar trying their december burger special, which may or may not include wild boar and pork belly. you don't have to order it if you don't want to, obviously, but i am b/c i'm crazy like that.

safe travels to all who are hitting the road this weekend. :-)

see y'all in a few days...

i want to write about the shooting in connecticut and how i'm feeling about it as a non-parent and about how i can only imagine what parents must be feeling like right now. i also want to write about the changes in my life between my b-day last year and now. amidst all of that, there's a "hey, it's (almost) my birthday" post yearning to be free. suffice it to say that i can't really make sense of any of those post ideas, or any of the other 5011 ideas bouncing around in my head right now, and therefore i will spare y'all the brain dump for now. 

do me a favor, though. hug your loved ones extra tight after you read this. if you have children, give them a hug from me (which you should be doing anyway, but especially now). kthx.

updated all december everything list o'fun

36 in 7 days. to say that i'm excited would be a slight understatement. my b-day staycation has been booked, b-day brunch reservation has been made...things are shaping up kinda nicely. woo!

here's a updated list of what's on deck:

saturday 12/15 - brunch w/bff and a few other folks is still happening. my evening is still free as of this  writing, though i will likely be out somewhere drinking b/c, well, it's my b-day weekend and i'll drink if i want to.

sunday 12/16 - i'll be watching the bears game at the beer bistro on madison in the west loop. feel free to join me for 25-cent wings and delicious beer and football, if you're into those kinds of things.

thursday 12/20 - still planning on seeing "the world of extreme happiness" at the goodman. pretty sure tickets are still available. if you're going, let me know so we can attempt to link up before or after the show.

sunday 12/23 - dinner at burger bar on clybourn. their special burger for december involves wild boar and pork belly and therefore i am going to try it out b/c it's my b-day month so why not?

monday 12/24 - jesusjack! nothing says merry christmas like gambling on christmas eve, right? (don't answer that.)

oh, and for those of you keeping track, i found another 10 cents at work yesterday, which brings this month's found money total to $30.35 and counting. :-)

answer: $30.25 (and counting?)

question: how much money have i found since the beginning of december? like i needed another reason to love this time of year, right? :-)

this week i got to hang out with bff (woo!) and finally introduce her to the delicious wonder that is fried lobster (even more woo!). i found $20 of that $30.25 last night while i was waiting for the bus after work. i got to hang out with some of my favorite sister girlfriends while attending a friend's exhibit opening, and today i hung out with a couple of former co-workers and saw all kinds of cool arts and crafts at the one of a kind show.

next weekend? brunch and mimosas and football and more drinking and steak and more drinking and probably more fat girl happiness and yeah, more drinking. i still haven't decided on where i'm watching the bears game, but if i manage to do so before sunday, i'll let y'all know here.

i'm also thinking ahead and pondering the feasibility of hosting an inauguration day brunch. stay tuned.

tomorrow, though, i get to hope for a bears victory while praying that i continue resisting the urge to punch anyone in the face while at work (yayboo).

recipe review: red rice with sausage and peppers

happy tuesday! well, it wasn't so happy for me this afternoon/evening, b/c i was felled by a migraine just as i was leaving work and didn't manage to approach a sense of normalcy until damn near 7:30. i'm pretty sure my original plan for the evening was to work on job applications and then make dinner, but since i was actually quasi-hungry and since i knew i'd be spending at least a couple of hours "working," i decided to make dinner first.

there was a sale on smoked sausage at jewel and i knew i'd be buying 2 packages of it. one's in the freezer for the next time i decide to make smoked sausage and broccoli, and i decided i wanted to try something new for the other package. unsurprisingly enough, most of the recipes on my hard drive that involve smoked sausage are some variations of jambalaya or other rice-based dishes. i didn't want to go overboard with buying extra proteins like shrimp or chicken, so when i found this recipe, i figured i was on to something.

here's what i did: i made the rice last night b/c i had a bit of downtime and i knew i could just put it in the fridge until tonight. i used about, oh, 3 teaspoons of minced garlic. i cheated when i went to the store and bought a pre-chopped celery and onion mix, b/c i wasn't interested in buying a whole bunch of celery when i only needed one stalk. let's say that i used anywhere between 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup of the celery/onion mix; i didn't measure it b/c i was just spooning it in from the container. i used regular diced tomatoes with the juice, and instead of salt/pepper, i used seasoned salt...maybe a tablespoon? i tend to eyeball when i'm adding seasoned salt.

verdict? decent enough. i might make it again if i had some leftover rice and some smoked sausage on hand. we'll see how i feel about the leftovers later this week. :-)

week in review, all december everything/celebratory happiness edition

ok, so the bears lost (sigh) and northwestern's mens' b-ball team lost to uic (double sigh), but fun was still had. as planned, i went to ellen's holiday party and then went to karaoke last night. holy crap i drank a lot of tequila. i still can't believe i woke up sober this morning. i mean, i started with costco tequila, so you'd think that would equal instant pain and suffering and all of the regrets, but no. hm. maybe i just need to drink more tequila? i think i can handle that.

anyway - saw a lot of folks at karaoke that i hadn't seen in months, and folks sang songs that they knew would make me laugh and/or entertain me to no end, and i'm totally counting those serenades as birthday presents. my manager at work actually gave me my first b-day present of the year on friday, which was unexpected and happily surprising. 

oh, and i found $10 while i was at karaoke last night, and i found a quarter while i was at work today. i win all of the things!

hope y'all had a good weekend. :-)

it's (almost) all december everything time!

i was going to post this on saturday, but then i realized that some of the celebratory-type things i'm doing are actually happening on saturday, and therefore i figured it'd be nice if y'all had a bit of a heads-up so you could plan schedules accordingly.

here's a partial list of events i have on deck for the next few weeks. i'm sure there will be updates/changes as december progresses, so stay tuned for details. if you'd like to join me for any of these shenanigans, please let me know so i can be on the lookout for you. wanna suggest something else? i'm open to that as well. most of these events are free (woo!) unless otherwise noted.

saturday 12/1 - if you're not already going to ellen's (insert holiday of your choice here) party, then you should join the karaoke-based fun at third coast comics that night. karaoke starts around 7, and i'll probably be there around 9-ish b/c i'm stopping by ellen's party first. yes, i actually sing at this karaoke party. i also drink as if i don't have to work the next day, but i do, so if you want to ply me with tequila that night, i'm cool with that. yes, i've already decided that tequila will be my drink of choice on saturday. blame rick bayless' new book - i read it yesterday and have had margaritas on the brain ever since.

monday 12/3 - i know nothing about cigars, and i know enough about scotch to know that i like drinking it, and that's why i'll be at this tweetup on monday evening. no, you don't have to actually have a twitter account to attend, but it helps. think of the new people you can meet! the cigars you can sample! and, of course, the scotch. mmm...scotch.

i should also note that radiothon 25 (!!!) starts on monday night. i have a message somewhere with more details and links for listening online and such, so let me know if you want/need that info.

thursday 12/6 - my friend veronica is working towards yet another degree, this time at the school of the art institute. she has an exhibit opening on thursday from 5:30-7p at the saic's sullivan galleries downtown.

saturday 12/15 - i'm having brunch with bff and a few other folks, but the rest of my afternoon and evening is free as of this writing. i heard a rumor about some sort of "night of 1000 santas" party/bar crawl happening that night, so i should probably buy a santa hat or something if that actually happens and i actually go.

sunday 12/16 - bears/packers. working on sundays has really cut into my football viewing this season, which is why i made sure to request this day off weeks ago. i don't know where i'm watching the game yet, though. i'm open to ideas that don't involve me ending up at a packers bar. :P

thursday 12/20 - i have a ticket for "the world of extreme happiness" at the goodman. tickets are still available as of this writing if you want in on some free theatre action.

you'll notice that my actual b-day (12/17, for those of you who might be new to this) isn't on the list. my current plan is to take myself out to dinner at primehouse (mmm...steak...) that night, and that's as far as i've gotten. i might (ok, probably will) need to recover from that weekend's shenanigans, so taking it easy is probably the wisest thing i can do. which, of course, means i will somehow plan on doing 29 other things that day.

recipe review: chicken and orzo skillet

i got a later-than-planned start on dinner tonight, but since i'd gone to the store yesterday and sketched out what i wanted to cook this week, i wasn't that worried. the menu for tonight called for a chicken and orzo skillet. i was dreading waiting for the water to boil for the orzo, until i realized that the house i'm living in right now has an electric kettle and therefore i had boiling water in about 5 minutes. woo!

of course i made a few changes/substitutions to my version: 1 large-ish tomato instead of 2 medium ones; 1 pound of boneless skinless chicken breasts (i had four and they were about 4oz each) instead of chicken breast halves; regular tomato paste instead of no-salt-added b/c i didn't specify the latter on my grocery list and just bought regular; a 6oz bag of baby spinach instead of 3 cups b/c there's no such thing as too much spinach, given its wilt factor; and a 4oz container of crumbled feta instead of the 3oz called for in the recipe b/c, well, feta is delicious.

verdict? as weird as this sounds coming from me, given my relative intolerance for spicy foods, the crushed red pepper saved this dish. as i was mixing in the spinach and feta at the end, i realized that the chicken wasn't seasoned and therefore i was worried about the flavor. i shouldn't have been. the red pepper added just enough kick to make this palatable. i'd probably make it again, but i'd use a larger skillet - i think i had a 10-inch skillet tonight and mixing in the orzo and spinach w/o having half of it spill out was challenging at best. and maybe i'll add some garlic, b/c, well, garlic also is delicious. just sayin'.

this week in celebratory happiness, post thanksgiving edition

gobble gobble! hope y'all had a relaxing thanksgiving weekend. me? i was catsitting and took myself out for thanksgiving dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, and then watched football and way more "trapped in the closet" than any sane person should admit to. seriously. i've been laughing damn near nonstop at r. kelly in triplicate singing "oh shit" since thursday. friday night, i saw one of my favorite musicians in concert, and i got to hang out with one of my favorite sisterfriends/concert-going buddies.

oh, and northwestern won, and michigan lost (and y'all know it felt weird as all fucks to be rooting for ohio state on saturday b/c oh how i hate ohio state) and the bears won, and green bay lost, and there was much rejoicing in the land.

here's hoping the coming week doesn't suck. :-)

this week in celebratory happiness

remember last week when i said i wanted to try to do at least one thing per week to celebrate my birthday? this week, i got my hair cut for the 1st time in who knows how long, and damn near cried when my stylist refused to take any money from me. i finally upgraded my phone last weekend and am still getting accustomed to this touch screen keyboard hotness. funny thing to say in 2012, i know, but it's true. and tonight i'll be kicking off the holidays with some former co-workers, which is almost always guaranteed to be a good time. so, yay!

hope y'all had a good week. :-)

edited at an insane hour on (technically) sunday morning to add: i almost forgot to mention my twitter-based win from this week: free shoes from dsw! and i definitely forgot to include the free grub i won from grubhub in last week's post. my bad.

mmm...smile juice...

oh, internet. this smile juice post from animals talking in all caps knows my life and wins all the things. that is all.

it's the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year!

yes, i am talking about my birthday celebration/season. y'all should've seen that coming from 4359 miles away. i knew it was going to start sometime in november, but i was honestly waiting to see how election night panned out first. now that that's over (woo!!!!!!!!!), the festivities can begin. and like four years ago, i plan on celebrating from now until inauguration day. my slightly ambitious plan is to do at least one thing per week for myself, like a mini-birthday present. this week i ordered my 2013 le petit prince calendar. i'm also planning to upgrade my phone, which, as you know if you've seen my phone, is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdue.

i have no idea what year 36 is going to look like. (also, 36? jfc i am getting old.) i can't bring myself to make a wish list yet, seeing as how my 2012 wish list still has most of its original entries on it. i also can't bring myself to write out a full reflection on how year 35 played out, b/c holy shit i did not anticipate things panning out the way they did. am i still slightly dazed and confused as to how it all came about? damn straight. am i thankful? absolutely.

speaking of being thankful...if you're in town for thanksgiving and don't wanna cook, let me know. i'm taking myself out for thanksgiving dinner (yup, as part of my b-day celebration) and you're welcome to join me.

for now, though, i'm going to continue decompressing from this work week. hooray for dvr'd shows and chocolate. :-)

and speaking of november

if you haven't voted already, i hope you have plans to do so, either today or on tuesday. i will be hosting election night shenanigans this year - if you'd rather not sit at home by yourself watching the returns come in, you should stop by. i don't know if i'll be drinking in celebration or out of sheer misery, but either way i'll be unsober. if you didn't get an invite via email, let me know & i'll forward you the details. kthxbai.

holy crap it's november

on my way home tonight, i was prepared to do a post about how utterly insane things have been at work yesterday and today. i mean, really insane. a co-worker & i had to threaten to call security on some assclown this afternoon and then i had to remove myself from the situation before i chased after said assclown. and yesterday, a soon to be former co-worker got physical with a supervisor (hence the "soon to be former" part) to the point where the supervisor had to seek medical attention. yes, i work at a library. no, you wouldn't normally expect this kind of behavior at a library. i told you it was crazy.

that's the cliff notes version, though. my original plan was to go into slightly more detail about those incidents and how some folks at work, self included, were reacting to/coping with things.

after dinner, i was going through some files and came across something i'd written a while back:

"...i'm not as concerned about the destination as i am about the journey. if only i could be as zen about the rest of my life."

 i don't know why that struck a chord with me tonight, but it did, and i decided to share it here and not get bogged back down into the details of work-related insanity. happy friday.

circles and cycles

there's a jewel w/in walking distance to my current abode. to get there, i take a shortcut that passes by a junior high school. not just any junior high school, though...the same junior high school that served as a campsite for day 2 of the breast cancer 3-day i walked in back in 2004. the same junior high school i decided not to sleep at that night b/c i was so tired and so close to home that i asked troy in advance to get someone pick me up from the school and drive us home so i could shower and pass out. the same junior high school where the sweep van deposited me and some other walkers b/c we were damn near delirious with exhaustion and there was a storm coming and they were worried about our safety and i sobbed all the way back to that junior high school b/c i hadn't technically finished the mileage for that day even though at some points i literally fell asleep while walking. i was probably still crying when i saw troy and kim and nick and i think curcio was there too and maybe some other people i don't remember right now. i remember going to dinner w/troy and kim and nick, i remember going home, taking a shower, and going the fuck to sleep b/c i had to get up at some insane hour to catch a cab back to the junior high school. i remember the cab driver having no idea where the school was, and i really didn't either, but we made it eventually and i met up with the rest of my team and we grabbed some breakfast and headed out for the final day of the breast cancer 3-day. i remember making the decision to walk in the 2004 3-day b/c i'd volunteered for the past 3 or 4 years prior and i wanted to walk in at least one event. as it happens, 2004 also was the 20th anniversary of my mom's death. growing up, i'd always been told that she died of a heart attack, but i was probably in junior high or high school when someone (daddy, maybe? or maybe james? i dunno) said that she'd had breast cancer. 28 years later, and i can still tell you how the family broke the news of my mother's death to me. i can still remember bits and pieces of her funeral and how i tugged on my father's arm to get him to stand up when my mom's pastor asked any visitors to stand b/c the funeral was at my mom's church and daddy & i went to a different church and therefore, to my 7 y.o. mind, we were visiting even though we'd been there any number of times previously b/c my brothers also went to that church and greg was playing drums and mom was involved in who knows how many activities. so, yeah. i feel a little pang whenever i pass that junior high school to buy groceries. it's also the site for my nearest market day pickup, which, as i'm sure i've written about previously, reminds me of james. not in a bad way, mind you, but his not being here still hits me sometimes like it just happened.

and then sometimes i get even more emotional than usual b/c i find myself trying to figure out how i got to this place. how i came to be living this close to that junior high school, and how the woman of this house lost her 9-year battle with cancer this summer, and how i'm always like #fuckcancer b/c seriously, fuck cancer and if i have to explain that to you, well, then, fuck you too b/c clearly you haven't been paying attention to my life or the lives of anyone around us who's had to deal with cancer b/c cancer fucking sucks. there's not a week that goes by that i don't wish/hope/pray for better outcomes for my friends' mothers and fathers and relatives and friends and, when i'm feeling particularly low and selfish, for my own parents, b/c fuck cancer. and i wish i didn't have this housesitting gig b/c i'd much rather for my quasi-landlord to still have her mother around and living here instead of me. cancer's real evil like that, so fuck cancer.

there's someone at work who has a variation of the lung disease james had before he got really ill. i hear them complain about all the pills they have to take and how nothing works and since they already get on my nerves b/c they kinda suck at their job which makes my work life more difficult, i really want to punch them in the face even though it's not their fault and they're not intentionally setting out to remind me of james more than i already think of him. i wish james was still around to tell me about his latest drug regimen and how the steroids his doctor prescribed once made him go to popeye's and order an 12-piece box of chicken that he proceeded to eat in one sitting while his co-workers wondered aloud where their lunch was b/c they thought he was gonna share that box of chicken and how he hated feeling hungry and bloated and fat but if that's what he needed to go through to get better, then that's what he'd do. and since this co-worker and i aren't on super-friendly terms, i just nod whenever they start whining about how much their life sucks when i really want to yell at them to be grateful for whatever life they have b/c some people don't get the chance to live as long as we want them to, but then i walk away b/c y'all know i need this job more than a little bit and i'd rather not get fired on some bullshit.

i watched benji tonight and every 5-10 minutes or so, when i'd recover from a crying jag, i'd wish i could call james and ask him what he remembered. i was only 7 when ben wilson died. it was in 1984. the same year i lost my mother. ben winning the state championship happened right after my mom's funeral, give/take a week or two. i was 7 going on 8 that november. james had just turned 22. he would've remembered benji better than i would have or could have. i wanted to call james and have him take me down memory lane, to talk about benji and about our lives w/o our mother in those first few months. what was easter like for us that year? his birthday? thanksgiving? my birthday? christmas? i couldn't tell y'all if i wanted to what those first months were like b/c i don't remember, and the person who was closest to me in age isn't around anymore for me to ask, and i'd just start crying again. seriously, b/c benji and this week's episode of "parenthood," i have cried more while watching tv tonight than i probably do in a month or more.

and yet here i am. in this house i don't own or rent, brought here by circumstances i couldn't even begin to weave together in my wildest of imaginations. i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway.

i feel as though i should apologize to anyone who was hoping for yet another recipe review and not this emotional regurgitation, but in my defense, i did post 3 recipe reviews back-to-back-to-back, so it's not as if you're deficient in that area.

i'm going to get ready to call it a night now b/c i'm a bit emotionally exhausted (gee, i wonder why?) and b/c sleep for dessert always wins. see y'all later.

recipe review: bacon orzo

i'm keeping this review quick because it's almost time for the bears game to start and i still need to finish catching up on the day's emails and maybe work on a few job apps before i have beer for dessert. (what? beer for dessert is totally acceptable, especially when lemon berry shandy is involved.)

but i digress. let's talk about the bacon orzo i made tonight. i resisted the temptation to add more bacon, but if/when i make it again, i might add some garlic. i wound up using about 3/4 cup of reserved cooking liquid, and i probably could've used the whole cup and been fine. we'll see if i regret that decision when i have some of the leftovers for tomorrow's dinner. i made some smoked sausage and broccoli to go along with the orzo, and i also used the rest of the carrots i had on hand to make more of the butter-roasted carrots i reviewed last week. omg those carrots. they're so delicious. i miss them already. you guys should try them. at some point i'm going to make some roasted broccoli and more of those carrots and i will be a happy girl.

recipe review: italian sausage soup

this weather calls for soup. at least, i'd decided that today's weather called for soup. since my crockpot is still in storage, i needed something that i could make relatively quickly after work when i'm starving and i don't want trail mix or any other snacks (on snacks) b/c i'm focused on dinner and anything else is just going to piss me off.

enter italian sausage soup. i knew i had italian sausage on hand, and chicken broth, and parmesan cheese. i had to go to the store today anyway, so picking up spinach and tomatoes and pasta wasn't much of an issue. i skipped the basil b/c i hate buying fresh herbs when i only need a tablespoon or two.

other changes i made - i used a package of mild pork italian sausage instead of the turkey italian sausage called for b/c that's what i had. i increased the pasta to 1 cup uncooked (this was on sale for 99 cents, so i decided to try it out - i didn't notice a difference in taste compared to traditional pasta, so yay!). as for spinach, i used an entire 9oz bag of regular (vs. baby) spinach.

verdict? nom. i didn't miss the basil at the end, and i didn't add any salt or other seasonings, either. i definitely added grated parmesan cheese, though, b/c cheese is awesome. i found some sourdough bread in the freezer and had a couple of pieces with my soup and i was a happy girl. after 2 bowls, there's still enough left for at least 1-2 meals, depending on how hungry i am. i'd make it again.

2 recipes, 1 review post

o hai!

i told y'all that i was going to attempt to try some new (to me) recipes and post them here before the end of the month, and here i am. i actually made 2 new dishes last night for dinner: blackened catfish and butter-roasted carrots.

butter-roasted carrots: the recipe says that there will be no leftovers, and they were right. i started noshing on these after they came out of the oven while the fish finished cooking, and by the time i was ready to clean up the kitchen, the carrots were gone. i used maybe 1/2 a pound of carrots, and substituted seasoned salt for the salt & pepper. i also left them in the oven for about 20 minutes instead of the 15 minutes called for in the recipe, b/c i'm still figuring out how this oven works and wanted to be sure they were tender and not crunchy. i still have 1/2 a pound of carrots left and it's entirely possible i'll make these again within the next few days.

blackened catfish: i felt as though i hadn't made catfish in forever, so i was kinda excited when i went to the store the other day and saw catfish nuggets on sale. instead of the catfish fillets listed, i used about a pound of catfish nuggets. i skipped the lemons because i found this recipe after i'd already gone to the store and i wasn't going back just for one ingredient. longtime readers may be surprised to know that i actually used ground red pepper, given my well-documented aversion to spicy foods, but it actually wasn't that bad. i'd probably make these again. i wonder if i can combine this spice rub with cornmeal and make some sort of oven-baked blackened catfish. yes, i know oven-baked blackened catfish sounds like an oxymoron, but i might try it anyway.

stay tuned for more recipes - i have a couple more picked out that i'm hoping to try w/in the next week or so.

happy hump day! :-)

living all alone

unlike the late great phyllis hyman, i am more than ok with living all alone. in case you missed it - i moved! i'm still in the suburbs (hint: i am now living in the white-skinned land i mocked all those years ago), but it's an extended housesitting gig. i have the place to myself. no childcare unless i take on a babysitting gig. i made bacon tonight, for fuck's sake! there's wifi and cable and my commute to work is 20 minutes at most. yeah, i'm not back in chicago, but i can think of worse fates than this, so i'm thankful all the same.

yesterday i spent the entire day indoors, with the exception of dragging the trash bins from the curb and refilling the bird feeder. it was wonderful. my phone only rang once so i barely had to talk to anyone and i just got to hang out in the quiet. i missed it so much.

i miss you guys, too. once i have my act together, and once my landlord (for lack of a better term) gives the ok, i'm going to try to have some of y'all over. it won't be sunday fun day (have i mentioned how much i dislike working on sundays during football season? thank god for sunday night & monday night football), but it'll be...something. maybe election night, assuming that i don't have a full-time job by then and can drink myself silly w/o having to worry about getting up the next morning.

my goal is to attempt at least one new recipe and post it here before the month is out. my recipe files keep growing and i just haven't had the time or inclination lately to try anything new. stay tuned.

hope y'all are doing relatively well. :-)

just in time for prince's chicago gigs

i present some of y'all (b/c i'm sure a few of you have already seen it) with this clip of maya rudolph and gretchen lieberum singing prince's "darling nikki" on late night with jimmy fallon. if you haven't seen it, watch it now b/c prince is notorious for yanking his songs off of teh interwebz.

no, i won't be going to see prince next week. i was (and still am) holding out hope for additional shows to be added, b/c to me, 3 nights does not a "residency" make. luckily seeing prince live has already been crossed off of my bucket list, but i'd still like to see him again. maybe i'll get my wish and more shows will be added and both my finances and my schedule will align and i can go to there. we'll see.

and yes, this is one of my "in lieu of actual content i will just throw up a link or some such for y'all to look at" posts. there's a lot going on, some of which i've posted about on my other site, and as soon as i feel like i can breathe normally again, i will get back to posting about recipes and random nonsense.

also, this new blogger interface kinda sucks the mop. i'm sure i'll get used to it, but right now? dislike.

sometimes i think the internet is spying on me

when i see something like this, i immediately think "you don't know my life!" and then realize that yes, the internet does know my life sometimes. sigh.

i love sasha obama so much.

i've made no secret of this previously. i am firmly convinced that sasha will rule all of us one day and i'm kinda looking forward to it. 

that said, though, i had to interrupt my viewing and live-tweeting of president obama's speech at the dnc to share this with y'all.

that is all.

oh, wait: make sure you're registered to vote if you're not already.

good night.

it's one of the most wonderful times of the year

that's right, ladies and gentlemen. football's back, and i, for one, welcome the return of our gridiron overlords. now that i've pretty much recovered from saturday's northwestern game (seriously, guys - it's way too early in the season for us to be in cardiac cats mode, mmkay?), i can focus more of my attention on the bears.

if you're doing anything fun for opening day, or even if you're just gonna sit on your couch and drink lots of beer while watching lots of football, let me know. i took the day off of work on sunday just so i can watch the game. yes, i've become that girl. i've already figured out that i'll miss at least half of the season if i continue working sundays, which makes me sad. not opening day, though, and not the day before my birthday (b/c, seriously, bears vs. packers? happy birthday to me!) if i can help it. my plans for this sunday are still a bit up in the air, so, really, let's talk if you're plotting some sort of shenanigans and/or fuckery.

football! woo!

reason 5983 why i love melissa harris-perry

if you tuned into this morning's edition of the "melissa harris-perry show" on msnbc, then you (hopefully) caught this discussion about welfare and safety nets and, in what will probably be my favorite televised non-football related moment of the weekend, the mini-rant that starts at about 8:20 here:

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

reading romance shouldn't be this difficult

yeah, yeah, i read romance novels. i've read them for years. i follow some of my favorite authors on twitter. i'm number 200-something on the library's waiting list for a book that doesn't come out until damn near thanksgiving. judge me all you want.

[note: the rest of this post will have all kinds of triggers about sexual assault/abuse, so if this is a sensitive topic for you, please stop reading now. kthx.]

i've been reading a romance series by susan mallery and, much to my delight, there have been some new titles this summer. i finally got my copy of the most recent one, "all summer long," last week from the library and started reading it a couple of days ago. normally, i can get through a romance novel in a couple of hours, tops, and in even less time if i'm able to read cover-to-cover w/o being interrupted.

this one, though, took me a while to get through. not because it's a bad novel, but b/c the struggles of the main female character brought back a lot of memories/issues. once upon a time, i wrote about some "bad touching" that happened to me when i was 8 or 9, and how i'd repressed that memory until i was in high school, and how the husband of my then-favorite cousin decided it'd be a good idea for us to watch some pr0n when i was 16 and while his wife and sons were in the other room, and how i ran out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom for as long as possible and how i didn't tell anyone in my family b/c i knew daddy or james or any other male relative would've done time for (attempted) murder even though i'm sure someone must've figured out something b/c i never ever went to that cousin's house again.

ok, so maybe i didn't previously write about that last part.

anyway (consider this a spoiler alert if you actually plan on reading this book), charlie, our heroine, was raped in college and has had a challenging time establishing intimacy. i'll spare you the details, but the process she goes through definitely has some parallels to what i went through (and at times still go through). it's heartbreaking and ultimately gratifying, to say the least. i can't tell you the last time i cried while reading a romance novel, but i definitely shed a few tears over this one.

i am so very thankful to susan (hey, i follow her on twitter, so i feel like i can be on a first name basis even though we've never met irl) for treating this subject with dignity and respect. if i was inclined to write reviews on amazon, i'd post this there, but i'm not and therefore it's here. susan, if you somehow manage to read this, please know that i've been a fan of yours for a few years now and i will be forever grateful to you for sharing charlie's story in such a powerful way. thank you.

books that have left me reeling - summer 2012 edition

it's no secret to anyone that i like to read. a lot. there's a book club/contest thing going on at work this summer and more than one person has dropped out after seeing just how many books (and accompanying points) i've added to my list since i started.

according to my spreadsheet, i've read 98 books so far in 2012. most of them were pretty uneventful. a few nonfiction ones introduced me to events/historical information i wasn't previously aware of. two novels in particular, though, made me ask some variation of "what the fuck?" and/or "are you fucking serious?" at least a dozen times while reading them, and i'm going to share those titles with you now.

the first: "gold" by chris cleave. i remember alternating between laughing hysterically at one page and within that same chapter, wanting to throw the book across the room and scream "what the fuck is going on?" not in a bad way, mind you - more in a "did this guy (meaning the author) really put these words in this order and omg i can't believe s/he (meaning a particular character) went there and i think my brain is going to asplode" kind of way. i like books that have that kind of impact on me.

i just finished reading the 2nd book, gillian flynn's "gone girl," a few minutes ago. oh my fucking fuck this fucking book is so fucking twisted that it fucking makes me want to say (ok, type) the word fuck in as many fucking ways as fucking possible in one fucking sentence. a couple of people on my twitter feed have read this and noted that it was definitely not a sunshine and kittens and lollipops kind of beach novel. i'm not exaggerating when i say that there are hundreds of people waiting to get this book from the library. last i checked, the wait list was at 1,500+ and counting. if i had to put money on it, i'd say that i've checked out and returned more copies of "gone girl" than any other book since i started at the library. and now i know what the fuss has been about. holy fucking shitballs. these characters are twisted and i kinda want a sequel even though no good can come of it whatsoever. and in about 9 hours, i'll be at work and my co-workers will want a review and i'll have to think of a sentence that doesn't involve the word fuck. i'll probably fail. fuck.

meanwhile, somewhere in my "waiting to be read" pile there's a book called zombies vs. unicorns. yes, i checked it out solely based on the title. i hope i'm not disappointed.

if you've read "gold" and/or "gone girl," please feel free to leave your proverbial two cents in the comments. read any other books lately that elicited a visceral reaction from you? let's talk about those, too. not right now, though. right now i need to go the fuck to sleep. g'night.

happy birthday, baby brother

james would have been 50 years old today. i know it's a bit odd to refer to him as my baby brother, considering that he was 14 years old when i was born, but that's kind of how i grew up thinking of him and therefore that's what sticks. lots of things stick when i look back on the admittedly complicated relationship james and i had. i'm going to share a few of them in this post and hopefully not dissolve into tears when i click "publish." i think (hope?) these will be new to y'all; if not, pretend like they are, mmkay?

cake batter -- the memories i have of my mother are relatively few and i cherish them more than...damn near anything, really. one of them involved her making a cake and me sneaking a taste from the bowl of batter. innocent enough, right? i couldn't wait to lick the spoon or the beaters from the mixer, b/c i was all of 4 or 5 and the concept of patience was lost on me, so i'd dip my finger(s) in the batter. usually i was somehow able to do this without getting busted, which, in hindsight, probably meant that mama was just choosing to overlook the breach.

not this time, though. this time, i'd forgotten that i was in the middle of a massive coloring project when i snuck a taste. i had marker ink all over my fingers and, yes, that ink somehow transferred into the cake batter. did i know this? nope. did i lie when mama asked if i'd put my fingers in the batter? absolutely. did i get called into the kitchen to be confronted with the evidence of my crime, only to be banished to my room to await my punishment? yup.

enter james. he somehow thought that i could convince our dear mother to spare the rod if i apologized. specifically, he thought if i wrote/drew her a letter saying that i was sorry and asking her not to whoop me, i might get off the hook. laughable now, but y'all know i sat right down and wrote my mother a letter anyway. i think it went something like "dear mama, i'm sorry, please don't whoop me, i love you."

yeah, mama whooped me anyway. i don't think james got off scot-free, either. but i love(d) the fact that he tried to help a sister out.

din da da



the first time i heard this song, i was in the kitchen at our old house. james' room was just off the kitchen and he was playing it. i don't know if it was on the radio or if he'd taped it or what, but i have this really vivid memory of looking in the fridge for something and being completely distracted by what i was hearing. again in hindsight, it was probably b/c this song was way different than the gospel that mama and daddy tended to listen to. on the flip side, james (and greg, and sylvester) also introduced me to smooth jazz (shoutout to wnua 95.5), and i'm reasonably sure that the first time i heard digital underground's "freaks of the industry" was on the radio in james' car. the internet says that "freaks of the industry" was released in 1990, so i was in high school by then and therefore not as impressionable as i could have been, i suppose.

space invaders -- when i was at the arcade the other night, i was all set to relive my childhood by playing duck hunt and shooting the shit out of that asshole dog, and i did, and that was fun. but then i saw space invaders, aka one of the first video games i learned how to play, and i got really excited...until i realized it was broken. womp. and yeah, james had an atari and i'd play space invaders and centipede for as long as he'd let me. before the other night, i hadn't played centipede in...god, at least a decade, if not longer. same goes for duck hunt, and yes, i shot at the dog a bazillion times. i hate that dog. i'm pretty sure everyone who's ever played duck hunt hates that dog. that dog can suck it.

to say that i miss having james around would be an understatement. wait. let me rephrase that. to say that i miss being able to call/email/see/talk to james in person would be an understatement. his spirit's still around, kinda like how my parents' spirits are around. there are still certain quasi-distant relatives of mine who have a hard time looking me in my face b/c i remind them so much of james. sorry, y'all. can't really do anything about that. james & i are our mother's children, after all, and we both look like slightly darker versions of her. funny how no one asks how i feel when i look in the mirror sometimes and see james' face or my mother's face.

but this isn't about me. well, it is, kinda, but you know what i mean. it's about remembering my "baby" brother and some of the cool stuff he taught me/introduced me to. it's also about trying not to freak out over the fact that james would've been 50 and i'll be 36 in december and holy crap i am so old and why is time going so fast, etc.

if heaven exists, i hope that today, james gets to eat all of his favorite foods and listen to all of his favorite music while shooting the shit with the angels/spirits of his choosing. i mean, it should be like that every day in heaven as far as i'm concerned, but i don't make the rules. :P

an ode to chronicbabe

i no longer remember when i signed up for chronicbabe's newsletters. no, i don't have a chronic illness (*knocks on wood*), but i still read them and every now and then, i get something valuable out of them. like this one:

Just because we're sick and need help - lots of it, sometimes - doesn't mean we have to spend our days begging forgiveness and bowing down in gratitude for every assist. BUT we need to thank the people who help us.

Someone open a door for you? Say thanks. A friend cooked you dinner? Say thanks. The newspaper delivery person always makes sure your paper makes it onto your porch? Say thanks. See a military member coming home at the airport? Say thanks. Doctor give you some good advice? Say thanks. Sprinkle thanks like confetti. Like glitter. Like sprinkles on a cupcake. Fling it around.

Say thanks. Do it. It's so easy. So many people do so many good things for us every day, and many of them never ask for a thing in return. But you can give them something vitally important: gratitude. Especially when you have nothing left to give, gratitude still means a great deal. And just like we need help sometimes, the folks who love us and care for us need to know we care. Sometimes saying thanks is all it takes.

and y'all know i try to keep an attitude of gratitude going whenever possible, right? even on those days when, frankly, i'd love nothing more than to curl up in a ball and drown my sorrows in a bottle of tequila, i try to find at least one thing or person to be thankful for. not saying it instantly cures my mood, but it helps put things in perspective for me, and that's usually all i need in that moment.

with that said - if i haven't publicly said thank you in a while, consider this a big giant public thanks for...well, everything. i'm not gonna name names or list specific things b/c i know i'd forget something or someone and no one wants that. so, thank you. a lot. y'all rock and i'd rather not picture my life without you in it b/c i would have all of the sadness.

oh, and go check out chronicbabe's site and sign up for her newsletter and/or twitter feed if you're so inclined. :-)

"wow, that dream was weird. i should blog about it!"

that was one of the first thoughts i had this morning, after my initial "holy shit it's august!" panic moment and before i managed to get in the shower and finish waking up. in all honesty, though, i should note that i'm using "weird" in that lazy/can't think of another adjective kind of way, so if you're afraid of what you're about to read, don't be. :P

here's what i remember: i was at some sort of church or auditorium or some other large space because i'd been pressed into service at someone's wedding. not as an usher or behind-the-scenes type of person, but an attendant. someone (i'm still trying to figure out the identity of this person - you'll see why as this continues) thought it would be a good idea to set me up on a blind date of sorts with some dude who was also at this wedding.

not a bad thought as far as thoughts go, right? here's where things get "weird," though - this dude and i had nothing in common. he didn't like reading, he didn't like sports, he wasn't really into food or plays or music or any of the myriad things i like checking out when i have time and money to do so...and he wasn't attractive, either. thankfully, we both realized the distinct lack of a love connection and went our separate ways.

later at that wedding, someone else (seriously, i need to figure out who these people are irl and smack them) asked how my conversation with dude i wouldn't even want to be friends with went, and after i told them, they went on a mini-rant about how women my age can't be picky and if i ever wanted to have kids i needed to get it together, etc.

so, yeah. longest.wedding.ever. did i mention that one of my brothers was also an attendant, and he walked down the aisle holding his suit jacket behind him with his fingers instead of actually wearing it? and that all of us just walked down the aisle as opposed to marching in time with any music or anything? and that i have no idea who was actually getting married?

later in that dream (let's assume this wasn't the same day as the wedding, but i really don't know), a couple of my favorite guy friends picked me up and surprised me with a trip to a bar i hadn't been to before, where we were served beer and 25-cent wings, and all was well.

told you it was "weird." also, i think i might order wings for dinner tonight, b/c, well, why not? :P

recipe review: turkey fried rice

at some point last week, l & i were trying to figure out a easy fix for the ground turkey we had for that night's dinner. the original plan may have involved meatballs, but that was going to require more time and effort than either of us felt like expending, so i made turkey sloppy joes with bbq sauce instead. before i made that, though, i flipped through the folder of recipes i've been clipping this year (as opposed to the hundreds of recipes i have on my hard drive, and not to be confused with the binders of recipes i have in storage) and found this one for turkey fried rice. i didn't have all the ingredients on hand at that point, but l & i agreed that it should go in the rotation for this week.

here's what i did differently:

--i cooked 1 cup of rice (instead of 3/4 cup) to yield 3 cups of cooked rice. the rice might have been extra long grain instead of long grain, but that's what i grabbed out of the pantry and i don't think it made much difference

--silly me forgot to put scallions on the shopping list, so i improvised with a little (i mean, probably less than 1/2 teaspoon) onion powder when i added the other ingredients.

--skipped the ginger b/c we didn't have any around

--used a heaping tablespoon of minced garlic vs. chopped b/c there's a giant jar of it in the fridge and l, j, and i are all garlic fans

--used frozen sugar snap peas (vs. snow peas called for in recipe) b/c i was already buying frozen green peas and figured what the hell. i didn't measure these quanities, though - i think each bag was less than 16oz each, and i probably used 1/2 to 3/4 of a bag of each.

--the carrots we bought at the farmers market were a little on the small side, so i used 6 instead of 4

--went with somewhere between 2-3 tablespoons of dark soy sauce instead of hoisin sauce b/c that's what was on hand

and even with all of those substitions, we still proclaimed it nom. the original recipe says it serves 4, but i think my version could probably yield 6 single servings. i'd definitely make it again.

(non-recipe related content coming soon. seriously. it's on my list. it's gonna happen.)

recipe review: maple-soy salmon

i've been in the mood for salmon for at least the past 3 weeks, but whenever i went to the grocery store, the seafood counter would be closed or the store would be out of salmon and my plans for deliciousness would be thwarted. not today, though. since i work thisclose to a whole foods, i knew i could have salmon for dinner tonight and appease my taste buds. when i went to my recipe folder, i was looking for something quick that i wouldn't need to do a lot of additional shopping for (aside from the salmon itself, that is). luckily, the friends i'm catsitting had everything i needed to make this.

a confession, though: it's entirely possible that i've made this before a couple/few years ago. i honestly don't remember, so let's just pretend/assume that this is new to all of us, ok? that said - i used about a pound of salmon that i cut into 4 pieces. if i'd been in the mood to do math, i probably could've adjusted the measurements here so i wouldn't end up with a surplus of sauce. however, i wasn't in the mood to do math therefore i ended up with a surplus of sauce. 

verdict? meh. if i'd had more time (read: if i wasn't already starving by the time i got dinner started), i might have let the fish sit in the sauce for 5-10 minutes, b/c i didn't really pick up that much of the maple/soy/dijon concoction. it was still good, though. i'd make it again. parmesan couscous and roasted broccoli were also served. mmm...roasted broccoli. i'm relatively full and yet i still have to resist the urge to eat what's left of tonight's batch of broccoli. i love it that much. you should try it out, assuming that it's cooled off enough in your area for you to tolerate turning on the oven. 

recipe* review: roasted broccoli

* - i'm pretty sure that i saw a recipe for roasted broccoli somewhere and just decided to "invent" my own take on it. of course, i don't remember what the recipe is or where i found it, so i can't give the recipe creator proper credit. y'all know i'd totally link to the recipe if i had it, right? right. ok, then.

what you'll need:
--fresh broccoli (how much you're buying depending on how many people you're feeding, if you want leftovers, if broccoli's on sale or if you're splurging on the super-organic whole foods stuff, etc. it's your call, really.)
--olive oil
--salt & pepper, plus any additional seasonings of your choice
--baking sheet/dish (you want something large enough so you can spread the broccoli out in a single layer)
--a knife (confession: i almost posted the "chopping broccoli" snl bit here, but i refrained. you're welcome.)

got everything? let's get cooking, then.
--preheat your oven to 400 degrees.
--while the oven heats up, rinse the broccoli and then cut the stems and any other tough pieces off until you have a pile of broccoli florets. if you like having parts of the stems on your florets, then by all means leave them on. depending on how large the florets are, and depending on if you're gonna serve this dish to children, you might need to chop them into smaller/bite-size pieces.
--dump all of the broccoli onto/into your baking vessel of choice.
--drizzle olive oil over the broccoli. the amount of oil really depends on how much broccoli you're working with. you don't need a lot; let's say a couple of tablespoons at the most here.
--add salt, pepper, and whatever other seasoning you'd like. i like to add garlic powder b/c 1) i like garlic and 2) i don't want to worry about burning fresh minced garlic.
--toss the broccoli around so every piece gets a little bit of oil and seasoning. it's best to use your hands for this.
--if you think you skimped on the oil and/or the seasonings, add a little more and then toss everything together again.
--in the oven it goes! depending on how much broccoli you're working with and how large the florets are, you're looking at a cook time of 15-20 minutes. i usually check the broccoli after 10 minutes, give it a stir, and then let it cook a little longer.

i like to still have a little bit of crunch on my broccoli when it's done, but it's also picked up a little browning from the oil and it's gotten a bit tender and omg it's so nom.

and there you have it. now we know why i usually stick to reading/making other folks' recipes instead of writing out my own. :P

today's moment of damn near perfect awesomeness

i have to start by saying that today's been pretty solid, really. had a conversation with bff that lasted for at least an hour and a half, made a bit of progress in my pile of library books to read, remembered to bring in the bins after trash/recycling pickup...nothing major, obviously, but enough so that i felt pretty good about the day.

then i made dinner and sat down to eat my store-bought chicken & four cheese ravioli and the roasted broccoli i made (the "recipe" for which i will share in my next post, promise) and sip my pepsi with anne lamott's latest book to keep me company.

this is where i detour a bit to fawn over anne lamott. she's one of my favorite writers. seriously. her books make me have all of the feelings, sometimes within the same chapter and, if i'm really gonna be honest, sometimes on the same damn page. i love her. i still miss her salon columns even though she hasn't written for them in ages. if you've not read any of her stuff, check it out. please. she's amazeballs.

ok, back to dinner. sitting at the dining room table with my ravioli and my broccoli and my pepsi and my library book. eating. enjoying the silence. feeling pleased about the day's events, even if they were relatively uneventful. pondering a plan for the rest of the evening, which likely will include watching tv, starting to prep for my next adventures in catsitting stint, and finally listening to fiona apple's new release.

but then. i was reading and suddenly a whitney houston song popped into my head. anyone who knows me and my penchant for song snippets appearing out of nowhere (a friend once said i have "musical tourette's") won't be surprised by this, i know. but the song was a bit surprising b/c i haven't listened to it in who knows how long and i wasn't expecting it to come up in my mental jukebox:



sometimes, when i'm at church or while i'm out and about or while i'm in the shower or wherever i happen to be, i try to pay god compliments or otherwise acknowledge that s/he is pretty fucking amazing. (yes, i swear while talking about god. i swear when i'm praying sometimes, too. fight me.) god usually brushes it off, like it's no big deal. not saying that god can't handle compliments, but that s/he doesn't really need the validation, but they're willing to listen b/c that's how they roll.

and then i realized that i hadn't really had one of these intense moments lately. luckily for me, i don't feel compelled to save my worship for when i'm in a church, b/c that doesn't happen on a consistent basis for me, especially with my new work schedule (have i mentioned that i work sundays and i'm really gonna dislike it come football season?). i almost cried. seriously. as weird as it may sound, and i am fully cognizant of the fact that this sounds weird to some of y'all, it was like i had all of the warm and fuzzy feelings at once and if i didn't acknowledge that fact, even with a slient headnod to god, i was going to burst. i both love and hate that feeling - love it b/c i feel so full and happy and i just want to give hugs and high-fives all around, and hate it b/c my inner control freak is all "what in the entire fuck are you doing? stop it!"

even now, as i'm writing this, inner control freak voice is screaming for me to delete this and just give y'all the roasted broccoli hookup. possibly a few of you are wishing i'd listened to that voice instead of all of this emotional fuckery. but if you made it this far and you're still upset about reading this...well, i'm probably not the one you should be upset with. just sayin'.

so this is what solitude feels like...

tonight marks my first night alone, sans pets and/or children, since i had to vacate casa de eulalia back in october. it's glorious and a bit depressing at the same time. glorious b/c, well, i have the house to myself and y'all know how i cherish quiet time. depressing b/c, well, it's not my house. it's gonna happen, though. hopefully sooner rather than later, but i've learned not to put firm timetables on these kinds of things. i'm actually going to use tonight and tomorrow to remind myself of just how much i love (relative) peace and quiet. weirdly motivational, i know, but that's how i roll.

and hey, i'll be in the city this weekend, and for an extended amount of time in july, so it's not all bad. besides, i have that whole part-time job thing going, which is an obvious plus.

hope y'all are having a decent week. isn't this lovely (and by lovely i mean omfg it's so hot) weather we're having? :P

in which i admit to having some, if not all, of the feelings

i have a confession to make. i got a little teary while boarding the metra train back to the 'burbs tonight. it's not that i haven't missed being in chicago before now, because i have. tears have been shed previously over not living here anymore, so this isn't anything new.

it's a combination of things, really. spending 10 days in the city i know and love with some of my favorite people (you know who you are and you're awesome and i love you like i love chocolate and reading and quiet time), plus dealing with yet another father's day w/o daddy even though a part of me really thinks that after 15 years, i shouldn't get as affected by this as i still do, plus feeling grateful for my new part-time gig even though i'm still hoping/praying for an additional part-time job or a full-time one so i can really try to set things in motion to get back to chicago on a permanent basis, plus feeling sad for my oldest brother who just laid his biological father to rest yesterday, which has to be extra-painful given that it's father's day weekend and now he's lost all three of his parents - our mom, my dad, who was technically his stepdad but i honestly don't remember that terminology ever being used, and now his biological father, who he just (re)discovered ~10 years ago - plus losing james a few years ago and i almost sorta kinda but not really wish that our relationship was such that i could call or email him and let him know that i know the shit hurts, but we're not in that space and therefore i feel like an asshole and why on earth do y'all let me run on like this?

so, all of that, plus the unshakable "i really should've been back by now and why the fuck is this taking so long" feeling of frustration i have, plus feeling like shit b/c i am stuck on the sidelines while a colleague/friend is trying to maneuver her mother's pending demise (i would really like cancer to die in a fucking fire right the fuck now), plus dealing w/some other feelings toward some other people that i know good and gotdamn well i have no business even trying to deal with right now b/c i really don't have the emotional and/or mental fortitude to go there, and yeah…i'm kinda surprised i haven't started bawling while i'm typing this on the train.

y'know what's weird, though? the whole time i've been writing this post, one of the voices in my head has been screaming at me for even considering sharing this with y'all. i will readily admit to not being superwoman, and damned if i'm gonna keep all of these feelings bottled up when i have a perfectly good outlet like this blog to get some shit off of my chest and out of my head. i mean, we all know i'm gonna (wo)man up and put on my big girl panties and keep plugging away until i'm back in chicago and am approaching something that could be construed as financial stability, but fuck. this shit is hard. it's really fucking hard and i am so fucking tired and sometimes the only thing that stops me from curling up into a ball and sobbing myself to sleep is knowing that y'all have my back and that some of y'all would, if i asked, quite literally kick my ass and make me get back in gear b/c you know me well enough to know that this is only temporary and for fuck's sake i've run on again. shit.

before i forget, though - and this is really important - please don't let my current insanity stop you from talking to me about any and all major shit (hell, even minor shit) that's going on with you. i really appreciate the fact that you don't want to add to my emotional distress by telling me your troubles/challenges/whatever, but we're friends, gotdammit, and if we can't share the highs and lows of our lives with each other, then we're all doing it wrong. i'll readily admit that i haven't been as communicative as i probably could've/should've been w/some of y'all lately, and i'm sorry. it's never been my intent to use my woes as an excuse to be (more) self-absorbed and uncaring. that's not what i want, and if you see me doing that shit, please tell me to cut it out, mmkay?

hot fun in the summertime*

eta: omg you guys. i have a job. i start on friday. more about it here.

*yes, i know it's not technically summer yet, but i think we're close enough.

i've been in the city since thursday and i am pretty sure i've eaten more pork and drank more alcohol in these past few days than i have in at least 2 months. seriously, i'm amazed that i haven't succumbed to a porcine version of the meat sweats. and ham. and more bacon. i actually had a meatless monday yesterday b/c i know my system isn't accustomed to this much swine anymore. that, and the fact that there's more pork in my future before i head back on sunday. bacon burgers? check. a pork/apple pie? yup. it's all gonna happen and maybe now some of my pants/skirts will stop falling off of me due to the weight i'm sure to gain this week.

have i mentioned lately that i have awesome friends? b/c i do. i've managed to hang with a few of y'all already and there have been lots of laughs and music and nomz and booze and i love y'all for it. it's no wonder that this got stuck in my head before i went to bed last night:

time for a little family feud

when richard dawson died this weekend, this gem of a video popped up in my twitter feed. i just watched it again and if you're having a week like i'm having so far, you could probably use some laughs. enjoy. :-)

can't travel anywhere

oh, cta. you've really gone and done it this time. announcing the closure of the dan ryan branch of the red line (from cermak/chinatown to 95th street) for five months, presumably in the name of saving money & time. 

my initial reaction to today's news was shock. i didn't play the racism card, although there's definitely a strong case to be made there, seeing as how the ridership south of chinatown to 95th is predominantly black. but that's not the case i want to make right now.

people who know me relatively well know that i am a huge fan of the cta. i come by it honestly, seeing as how both daddy and james worked for the chicago transit authority for more than 20 years before they retired. i've always said that cta helped get me through northwestern, thanks to daddy's pension plan. the occasional trips home from evanston didn't hurt, either.

people who know me relatively well also know that i've been attending 1st c. off and on since i was 6 years old. in those 25+ years (holy crap i am old), i have never missed 5 months of sunday service. not when i was in college. not when i was balancing 2 part-time jobs, an internship, and grad school. not even during my current suburban sojourn. 5 weeks, maybe, but not 5 months. 

for those of you who weren't at the urbantherapy wedding or at james' funeral: 1st c. is on the far south side. like 111th street far. as in i take the red line to 95th and then hop on a bus to get to 1st c. this pending closure pretty much means that i'll be fully embracing my heathen status for those 5 months. that also means that i'll be losing a part of my community for 5 months. oh, yeah, and there's that whole "the only time i usually hang with my family is at church" thing, which will go by the wayside for 5 months.

i'm writing this while riding the metra back to the 'burbs and i haven't been online since lunchtime, so i don't know if any major players have made a statement about this cta plan. i'd love to know what the white sox think of having their primary station closed…but i'm willing to guess that having a green line station and a metra station nearby takes some of the sting out of it. i'd presume the same for the university of chicago, esp. since the green line is technically closer to campus and there's also metra access nearby. same goes for iit.

[eta: the tribune article has been updated w/comments from the white sox, who do indeed refer to the nearby green line and metra stations as game day alternatives.]

i wonder what metra has to say. are they planning to boost capacity and/or adjust schedules on their southern routes during these station closures? has cta mentioned anything about changes to their bus lines/schedules, particularly in the areas affected by these closures?

did anyone at cta give voice to the fact that the "shuttles to the green line" option only works for people who aren't south of 63rd street? or that it's entirely possible that some riders may find it cost-prohibitive to switch to metra for those months? or that it's just not a convenient option to get to/from a metra station, or a bus stop, for that matter?

granted, we have a whole year to gear ourselves up for this, but right now? it just doesn't sit well with me. hopefully i can make it to one of the town-hall meetings to see exactly how this is supposed to play out.

recipe review: rosemary chicken

y'know how sometimes, after a (long) weekend, you look in the fridge/freezer and realize that you don't really feel like cooking for the rest of the week? you find yourself coming up with basic dinner plans b/c you already know you're not going to the store for any extra ingredients and the thought of expending any more energy than you absolutely have to is just enough to send you over the edge?

yeah, that was me last night. "let's see...boneless skinless chicken breasts...frozen pizza...um, i think there's a box of mac & cheese in the pantry...yeah, that'll work." tonight was chicken night. actually, it was supposed to be leftovers and/or chicken night, but a last-minute remembrance of just how long the leftovers had been in the fridge crossed them off of the list. luckily i'd already finished making this.

a few substitutions on this one: i used 2 teaspoons of dried rosemary instead of fresh, and about 3/4 of a tablespoon of minced garlic instead of chopped, b/c that's what was on hand.

verdict? somewhere b/t meh and nom. i marinated the chicken for 4-5 hours, give/take 30 minutes in either direction. i think i overcooked it a little bit, but in my defense, these chicken breasts were ginormous even after i cut them in half and i was trying to err on the side of caution.

would i make it again? probably. if i'm organized enough, i might even make the arugula and white beans, instead of the salad & mashed potatoes we had tonight.

hope y'all had a good weekend. :-)

dream journals?

any of y'all down with the whole "write down what you remember of your dreams as soon as you wake up" thing? b/c i think i really need to start. i was in the middle of a really disturbing dream and i actually had to wake myself up to snap out of it. at 5am. once i managed to calm myself down, aka stop shaking and borderline freaking out b/c it was only a dream and hopefully none of that shit will actually happen irl, i was wide awake until 6 or so. of course, one of the twins decided to start waking up just as i started to doze off.

the last dream sequence i remember before i woke up again? i was in philadelphia, riding around with someone. i have no idea who that someone is/was. we'd just dropped someone else off (again, a mystery) and i'd just gotten back in the car. i'd put my seat belt on, but took it off b/c i was wearing a heavy coat and it was warm out and therefore i didn't need it. i strapped myself back in and started singing along to this:



(note: i kinda miss having the ability to hit some of those high notes. i'm pretty sure my voice teacher would say that i still could if i really wanted to, but that's neither here nor there.)

so anyway - i'm in the front passenger seat of this car, singing my heart out, and the car's moving backwards through this parking garage. did i mention that i'm the only person in this car? and i'm too busy singing along to notice the backward movement, let alone grab the wheel? the car somehow exited the garage and was about to back into traffic when my alarm went off.

weird, right? by the time i dragged myself out of bed 15 minutes later (thank god for snooze options), this song was stuck in my head:



i was sober for all of this, btw. i have no idea what my dreams would look like if i was drinking on a regular basis (again), and i'm not entirely sure i want to find out. this is not to say that i don't want to drink on a quasi-regular basis, though. wait. that doesn't sound right. y'all know what i mean, though. i hope.

happy saturday. :-)

recipe review: slow cooker barbecue chicken

believe it or not, there are some folks out there who think that slow cookers should only be used in the winter. they're probably like that guy in those stove-top commercials who thinks that stuffing is only for thanksgiving.

not me. slow cookers and stuffing never go out of season for me. that said, when i was flipping through my files for ideas on what to make with the pack of boneless skinless chicken breasts i'd taken out for tonight's dinner, i came across this recipe. a quick search confirmed that yes, i had everything i needed, and so here we are.

(side note - i've become that person who has hundreds of recipes saved on their computer. let's not even talk about the folder of recipes currently on my desk. or the binders of recipes packed away in a box. what'd i say last night about food pr0n? yeah...)

back to the recipe, though. i started the crockpot around noon and by 3:30, my stomach was growling and the house smelled all nice and barbecue-y. by 5, the chicken was ready to be shredded and yes, the sauce actually thickens like it's supposed to when you add the cornstarch/chicken broth mixture. i had my doubts about this b/c cornstarch and i have had a contentious relationship, even when i mix it with water/broth/whatever as a thickening agent. but it worked, and the chicken went back in the crockpot for just about 40 minutes or so. oh, and i seasoned the chicken with a little bit of black pepper at the beginning, but that was the only substitution/addition i made.

verdict? nom. would make again. my thinking is that the italian dressing added just enough of a vinegar taste to balance out the brown sugar and the bbq sauce. i definitely see this recipe making a comeback during football season (hopefully in my own place), b/c i don't think it'd be a problem to double or triple this recipe for a crowd.

win some, lose some

today? today goes in the win column.

no, i didn't get a job. money didn't magically appear in my bank account, although i haven't checked my paypal since this morning, but i won't hold my breath there. i didn't stumble on a way to be back in chicago full-time (yet!), i didn't win the lottery...nothing really earth-shattering happened. it was all about life's little victories, combined with my #humpdayhustlin, that led to today being a win.

in no particular order:

--e-mail from lane bryant saying they're offering 50% off their entire site, and me having just enough in the bank to order a new bra, which was perfect timing b/c i just had to toss one of my old ones in the trash. and shipping was free b/c i'm having it sent to a store, and it should be there by the time i'm back in the city.

--applied for at least a dozen jobs.

--accomplished 4.5 things on my to-do list, including reconnecting with someone i worked with back in my grad school days. potential professional networking hookup? yeah, maybe. we'll see.

--had enough downtime today/tonight to apply for the aforementioned jobs, make 2 phone calls (which account for 2 of those 4.5 items on my list), and pretty much finish my freelance project for this week. ok, so the project as a whole will probably take me until labor day to finish, but this particular phase of it? pretty much done. i hope. if all goes according to plan, i will have monies while i'm in the city next month. woo!

--won a twitter contest. mmm...free nomz...

--found out that l & j's satellite provider now offers cooking channel. i actually did a little dance of joy when i discovered this. yeah, i spend an inordinate amount of time watching food shows and reading about food and looking at food pr0n. fight me.

like i said...nothing earth-shattering or stupendous, but i was excited and happy and can you really blame me for running with that? i didn't think so.

actually, this whole week so far (*knocks wood*) has been pretty solid. on monday, i found a pair of shoes that i've been searching for since january. my backlog of magazines? done. my chocolate stash has been replenished and i need to lay off of it a bit, b/c last week's stress eating=this week's acne. you'd think that my system would be well-acquainted with my affinity for chocolate and therefore would behave accordingly. oh well.

--------------------------------------------

and now for something completely different - wtf are people doing for memorial day? clearly i can't host anything (sigh), but if someone's gonna grill and/or ply me with alcoholic beverages, i'm in. i might even make brownies, assuming that i get a chance to go to the store and buy the necessary ingredients. i feel like the holiday kinda snuck up on us. that, or i missed a memo somewhere. if something's happening this weekend that resembles a get-together, please let me know so i can start planning transportation and crashpad options.

hope y'all are having a good week. right now i'm resisting the urge to watch penguin cam b/c i really need to go the fuck to sleep. sweet dreams and all that. :-)

i thought i'd be back by now.

first of all, i can't believe that we're already halfway through may. second of all, i can't believe that i'm still in "suburban sojourn" mode. honestly, when i made the decision back in december to do this whole "barter childcare/household help for a stable place to sleep" thing, i figured i'd be back in a few months. definitely in time for spring. maybe summer.

now? i'm hoping to be back in chicago in time for football season, and i'm not even sure if that's going to happen. it's depressing as all hell, really. it's not as if i haven't been trying to move back, what with all of my job hunting and interviewing and babysitting and freelancing and other hustles. but, here i am, still unemployed with no regular income aside from my food stamps and still technically homeless.

i am trying not to complain. i know how good i have it, relatively speaking. i could be in a shelter or riding the red line all day and night with a suitcase or god knows what else. i'm lucky to know folks who would do whatever they could to make sure i didn't end up in a shelter or a permanent cta passenger. and at least i have 'net access so i can apply for jobs and post updates here and on twitter. and my cell phone is still on (barely) b/c of those babysitting and freelance gigs and donations. i get it. i'm blessed. no need to remind me.

and yet...it'd really be nice to take off this damned cape and let myself wallow for a bit. double bonus if there was someone who'd be willing to take some of this proverbial weight off of my shoulders. that's not how i am, though. like the other day, when a heat-and-hormonal induced migraine hit and i tried to keep moving through it, knowing that the best thing for me would be to take my meds and go the fuck to sleep. yeah, but since i only have a few meds left and am trying to save those for my really severe migraines, i popped a couple of tylenol instead and went on with giving the twins their dinner and cleaning up and whatnot until l basically demanded that i go upstairs and go to bed. so i did...for maybe an hour or so, until my stomach decided to join the migraine party and add nausea to the mix.

back downstairs i went, even though i knew i wasn't 100% better and probably looked as wobbly as i felt. didn't matter to me, though, b/c there was still "work" to do and i was still "on the clock" since the twins were still awake. (no, i'm not getting paid and no, i'm not punching in - this is all in my head. yes, i know i'm crazy.)  even though l and her mom and j when he came home from work were all giving me that "why tf aren't you in bed?" look. 

i did come back upstairs eventually, after making myself eat a pb&j and some sun chips (mmm...sun chips) and cleaning up the kitchen and loading the dishwasher and i forget what else.

why do i do this to myself? b/c my type a-minus personality won't let me be lazy and procrastinate all the time. b/c i'm a overachiever. b/c this isn't my house. do i live here? yes, for the moment, but it isn't mine. i'd feel a lot more comfortable doing a whole lot of nothing if i only had to be responsible for myself. if part of the deal didn't involve taking care of the kids and helping out around the house. but that's the deal, and damned if i'm gonna welsh on it.

and now i've forgotten where the hell i was going with this. oh, right - i'm not back in chicago full-time yet, despite my best efforts, i'm tired and thankful at the same time, and i'm looking forward to summer anyway b/c i'll be in the city for a couple of weeks off and on. and, y'know, if you ever wanna visit me here in the lovely north 'burbs, feel free. and there were probably at least two other points i wanted to make, but the twins will be up from their nap soon and i should wrap this up while it's still relatively quiet.

yeah. happy hump day.