80

my father would've been 80 years old today. the last time i saw him alive was on february 18, 1997. he'd been in the hospital for weeks, one of his legs had been amputated, and during our damn near daily calls at that point, i'd gotten the feeling that he was hanging on by the proverbial thread and i wanted to say my goodbyes in person.

i recruited my then-bff to trek from northwestern down to trinity hospital with me. here's something you might not know about me - hospitals make me claustrophobic. if i'm in a hospital for longer than, say, 90 minutes, my skin starts tingling and it becomes more difficult for me to breathe normally. i'm sure any therapist worth their degrees would tell you that it's due to the fact that my mom was hospitalized when i was young and she never came home, but i'd made my peace with it and therefore knew i needed to operate on the buddy system.

i can't remember if i told anyone that i was coming to see daddy on his birthday. i probably didn't tell daddy b/c i wanted to surprise him, daddy's girl that i was, and still am, grown-ass woman status be damned. maybe i told james? i honestly don't remember. i'm sure someone was there when then-bff and i arrived.

i don't remember if daddy and i had a conversation. it's possible i just sat there with him. it's more than likely that i cried a little. i do know that during that visit, i realized that it would be the last time i'd see him alive, b/c it was just too painful for me to see him in that much agony. so i said goodbye. not out loud, and not in a way that would freak any of my family members out. but silently. softly. almost prayer-like. i do remember telling god that if it was indeed daddy's time to go, that i'd be ok with it as long as he didn't have to suffer anymore.

and i left, not only b/c my goodbyes were done but b/c i was starting to shake and itch and my breathing was getting a little on the shallow side and then-bff knew enough to get me the hell out of there so i could get some fresh air and not pass out.

when daddy died about a week later, i wasn't shocked. i was sad, of course, and probably a little pissed off despite the previous talk i'd had with god about it, but not shocked.

it's 16 years later, and if you had told me then all of the ways that i would take after my father now, i would've laughed in your face. you would've been accurate, though. there are some days when i surprise myself with how alike we were/are. maybe it's a function of getting old(er). maybe some of those traits were there all along and they're just becoming more pronounced. i don't know and i'm not really sure if i care. when memories and mannerisms are all you have to cling to, the particulars aren't really important...which is probably a good thing in daddy's case b/c the man, god bless him, had his flaws and faults.

i'm not going to write about those flaws and faults right now, though. it's hard enough getting through this time of year (daddy's birthday, the anniversary of daddy's death, the anniversary of my mom's death, the anniversary of james' death, and my mom's birthday - all w/in a month's span) without coming up with more reasons to cry and/or drive myself over the edge.

instead, i'll just say happy birthday to my father. may he continue to rest in peace. amen.

recipe review: broccoli and rice pilaf

i was catching up on dvr'd foodpr0n last night and saw this side dish, and since i had everything on hand except an onion, i decided to try it out tonight. i usually try not to make anything too complicated on sundays b/c by the time i get home from work, i'm exhausted and barely have energy to nuke anything for dinner, let alone make something from scratch.

this recipe, though? not too shabby. i added about a teaspoon of minced garlic (b/c y'all know that's how i roll) and a bit of black pepper b/c i realized there was no seasoning whatsoever in the original recipe, and i was pleased with the results. i'd make it again with the same substitutions.

it's not black music month, but it's close enough, i suppose

yeah, i know...february is black history month and black music month isn't until june, but since i've decided to open my 'home' up to y'all for the grammys on sunday, let's just try to make it work, shall we?

sunday, february 10. show up here anytime after, say, 6:15pm. the grammys start at 7. yes, ll cool j is hosting again. yes, i will be acting like a total fangirl complete with squealing and screaming with excitement b/c if you know nothing else about me, you know i love ll cool j almost as much as i love chocolate, reading, and quiet time to myself. :-)

and if you're a fan of old-school "soul train" episodes and wanna hang out with me and sjb while we start making our way through the damn near 30 episodes i have saved on the dvr, you're welcome to join us on saturday, february 9.

if you're interested in stopping by on saturday and/or sunday, please let me know asap. thanks. :-)