on: resting and not doing all of the things

first things first - a huge thank you to everyone for the calls, texts, tweets, dm's, emails, flowers, cards, etc. during my surgery and recovery. i really appreciate it and y'all are the best.

as of this writing, it's been 2 weeks since the procedure and while i'm definitely doing better than i was immediately after i got home from the hospital, i know in my heart of hearts that i'm still not 100%. it's mildly annoying for me because i sorta kinda want to do all of the things and my body is just like "hahahahaha go sit down somewhere."

i went back to work this past week and managed not to fall asleep at my desk, so that's an accomplishment in and of itself because i'd gotten accustomed to taking at least one nap a day while i was at home recuperating. this weekend has been a test for me in terms of resuming my usual drinking and other shenanigans and fuckery, but when i found myself turning down tacos last night after lots of beer and my first shots in 2 weeks (yes, readers, i was as shocked as you are now by this), i realized once again that i'm not back to my previous form.

don't get me wrong. on a logical level, i totally get that it's only been 2 weeks and the fact that i'm moving around and have gone back to work without being in too much pain is a good thing. i also know that my sleep patterns were trash before i went into the hospital and therefore my inability to get a decent night's sleep is impacting my recovery. i understand all of this.

and yet i beat myself up for not feeling as productive or social as i think i should, which is ridiculous. i think it's great that no one has put any pressure on me to go out - if anything, you guys are all "hey, are you sure you're ready to have drinks/go to a concert/sit through a lecture that you wish you could get your time back for because it was awful" or whatever. it's all internal. i even gave myself grief for this post b/c i'd intended on writing it before today but i didn't get around to it until now. that's just silly.

i have to remember to continue meeting myself where i am, even if that means taking it easier than i think i should be. it's ok for me not to be 100% yet. it'll be ok if i only get to, say, 98%. my health is what's really important here and clearly i'll be no good to anyone if i'm passing out from exhaustion, so if my body says "hey slow down there for a while," i have to listen and block out the voice that gives me grief for not pushing through.

t-minus 2 weeks and counting

as much fun as i had this weekend - and if you follow me on twitter and/or snapchat, you saw just how much fun (and booze) i had - i was also plagued by anxiety. more than the usual amount of anxiety, really. my subconscious was on a roll. nightmare that combines some of my worst fears? check. panic attacks? yup.

it took until early yesterday afternoon for me to piece it all together. i went to my nephew's wedding this weekend and i was prepared for familial drama b/c as y'all know, nothing about my family is simple or easy, especially when it comes to events like this. plus mother's day is coming up and my feelings on that have been well documented (yes, i will be drinking myself silly again this year, thanks for asking). those two things would be enough, but then i did the math and realized that my surgery is in 2 weeks and that really kicked the anxiety up a notch or 12.

everyone knows that hospitals freak me out and i start feeling claustrophobic if i'm at a hospital for more than 90 minutes or so. i am the one who asks for xanax whenever i need an mri because my nerves just can't take it. some of you also know that a big part of why hospitals freak me out is because both of my parents were hospitalized during their illnesses and never came home. one of the few regrets i have when it comes to james is not going to visit him during his multiple hospital stays, even though he knew why i was really staying away and didn't make a big deal of it, bless him.

and now i am having surgery for the first time ever and, in the parlance of peg + cat, i am TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. at least once a week, i have to give myself permission to flip out for about 5-10 minutes about this routine surgery that will only have me hospitalized overnight. yes, it's technically a voluntary procedure, but my doctors and i understand that my fibroids have minds of their own and i'd rather manage this while i have the opportunity to make decisions based on what i think is best for me. also doing this while i'm still living with quasi-landlord makes sense b/c she'll be around to drive me back and forth and enough of you live nearby to bring me tacos if when a craving hits and i'm not up for walking around yet, b/c tacos.

never mind that i have the logistics figured out and have to date avoided the potential pitfall of over-researching the procedure because then i will definitely have a major moment of panic and that i know in my heart of hearts that this makes sense. if i am being logical about all of it, then yes, this is a good thing and there is minimal risk. i am not a logical person when it comes to this stuff, though - hence the weekly freakouts and the overabundance of anxiety this weekend.

one of my friends is particularly good about reminding me that i tend to worry too much about certain things, especially when i have little to no control over them. i can't help it. my ocd and type a-minus tendencies can be a bit strong and sometimes i just need shit to make sense even if i can't impact the situation. that friend has been advised that they need to issue these reminders more often during the next week or two. i have to meet myself where i am and trust the process even though the thought of staying overnight in the hospital makes my skin crawl and i already know i'm going to take the world's longest and hottest shower when i get home after being discharged. another friend has promised a recovery bottle of booze while i'm at the hospital, so at least i have that to look forward to. also i know my body needs the week or so i'll be home from work to rest, although this won't be a vacation by any stretch of the imagination. 

a number of us are on an ongoing quest to own up to our shit, and this is me being upfront about what i like to call my medical anxiety. i know that while it's justified, it's not really helpful or healthy and as much as i would like to control and manage this situation in its entirety, i have to try to not dwell on things as much - hence my asking the aforementioned friend to help me try to keep the worry in check. i won't even lie and say that this is going to work and i will be totally chill between now and the 16th because insulting y'all's intelligence like that is just rude, even for me. i'm gonna try, though. wish me luck.