on: the 8th of march

it feels weird to be writing about my brother and my father on international women's day, but here we are. 

my brother james died 14 years ago today. he was 46. 

it feels weird to be writing about my brother on the anniversary of his death when i'm the same age he was when he died, but here we are. 

i've managed to keep myself just busy enough lately to not get completely bogged down in sadness when thinking about my father's birthday and the anniversary of his death a week or so apart, the anniversary of my mother's death to start women's history month, james' death date today, and my mother's birthday later this month. this is not a new coping mechanism by any means. sometimes past me makes great decisions and current me is along for the ride until my brain goes "wait, this isn't quite right" and i realize that another birthday/anniversary is coming up or just happened and then i have to feel things.

but this isn't all about me. this is about my brother and my father and how they helped make me the woman that i am. 

it's about how they showed up for the women in their lives so i'd know what to accept and what to call bullshit on. how they showed up for everyone in their lives, really, but particularly the women they loved. they loved out loud, if not always in words then by actions, even when some of it seemed contradictory. never did i ever have to wonder if they loved me, even if we didn't verbalize it. i kinda wish we'd said it more, but here we are. 

if you've ever seen my work ethic and determination in action, blame them. if you've ever wondered how or why i go so hard for the people i love? that's all them. the mentality of "everybody eats" or "if i got it, you got it" or however else you want to define it? yup, that's them.

it feels weird to be smiling through my tears while writing this, but here we are. 

i'm here because they were there for me. i hope i can keep being there for me and mine like they were for theirs. 💜

new year, new post

o hai. it's january 2023. yeah, i dunno how that happened either, but we're here. let's see if i can try to recap what's been going on since my last post.

i found out that my therapist is leaving their employer and since i'd rather not switch to another provider in that practice, i'll be taking a break from #therapytuesday. we had to laugh about the timing because it happened right after i told them about this whole "open and vulnerable" thing i'm trying to go with during #46andbeyond. i'd be more upset if i was worried about figuring some of this shit out on my own, but i'm not all that worried yet. i like to think that i have a toolkit of sorts to help me deal with my anxiety and stress, even if i don't always use those tools. plus my therapist might open their own practice at some point, so it's not as if i'm done with therapy forever.

i got sick between christmas and new year's, and i'm glad it wasn't covid like it may or may not have been in december 2021. i'd forgotten about my penchant for illness after my birthday - it's like my body said "ok, that's enough fun and shenanigans; now go sit down somewhere" to close out the year. it was kinda funny to your girl because it's not as if i went that hard celebrating my birthday. hell, i left a bar a couple of hours before my b-day so i could be at home on my couch by midnight. thankfully i'm feeling better now, because dealing with constant post-nasal drip and nosebleeds was exhausting as hell.

what else? oh, here's a big one - i'm going to 1st c. in a couple of weeks for a tribute service to bishop. i haven't been back since he died and this year marks the 5th anniversary of his passing and i am absolutely feeling all kinds of ways about it. will it be a shitshow? probably. will someone say something out of pocket about me or carol or someone else i care about? possibly. i'm actually glad this is happening at 1st c. because i know where all the exits are and can get out of there quickly if i have to. i don't think it'll come to that, but i also haven't seen any of these people in damn near five years so who knows what'll happen? i'm already trying to prepare myself for whatever might happen and how i might feel and what i might need afterwards. i also need to figure out if i'm going to join the reunion choir (because of course there's a reunion choir) even though i'm not going to any rehearsals. i don't think i've been in that choir stand since lori's funeral and i honestly don't know if doing that is something i'm built for. also i'm pretty sure very few people will be masked and who knows how many (if any) of them have even been vaccinated. 

as you can probably imagine, my brain is having a field day with all of this. one bright spot? none of those people can hurt me, emotionally speaking, any more than they already have or did back in the day. shouts to being a whole entire adult. 

speaking of adulting - holy shit meal prep has been saving my life once again. i woke up tired today and was pretty much ready to fall over when i got home after work and grocery shopping, but past me managed to portion out just enough leftovers for tonight so i wouldn't have to cook or think about what to order. the only reason this post is happening tonight is because i wrote most of it while i had some downtime earlier. i'll try to remember to post some reviews if/when i try something new.

hope y'all are hanging in there. here's hoping 2023 isn't a complete dumpster fire clusterfuck. 

on: turning 46 and this year's #alldecembereverything

confession: i've been feeling a way about my birthday this year. i know that may come as a surprise to some of you, so go ahead and take a second to process that however you need to before you continue. 😉

it took a little while for me to realize that my feeling a way about my birthday this year is because i'm turning 46. not in a "holy shit i'm OLD" way, even though that's true, but because james was 46 when he died. 

i am going to be the same age my brother was when he died.

it's taken a while for me to say this online because it hurts. it hurt when i first said it out loud to my therapist and to a close friend. it hurts as i type this. i wrote about it in my journal earlier and definitely cried into my emotional support bourbon. 

i say that to say that i am feeling a way about this year's celebration. yes, i have plans, and i will likely be at a bar at least once or twice to drink with friends because that's how we roll.

but it doesn't feel "big." part of it is because this year has been challenging and exhausting and i'm letting myself nope out. also, y'know, ongoing pandizzle and the dumpster fire clusterfuck that is the world these days. 

there will still be celebrating, though, because i'm me and it's my birthday and the celebration can be whatever i want or need it to be. it doesn't have to be "big" to be real. 

one thing i'm going to try to work on during 46 and beyond, as i've started calling it in my head, is being more open and vulnerable. part of that is being able to say publicly that i'm going to be the same age my brother was when he died and hey, this shit is hard. i might lean on y'all more than usual in the coming year and hopefully that looks more like me being vulnerable vs. me being needy and clingy. if it doesn't, then i need y'all to be open enough to call me on it. i want us to be as honest with each other as we can be. deal? deal. 🤝

o hai hey hello how y'all doin'?

greetings to anyone who's stumbled here from twitter. i suppose i should start trying to post here more often. i say that a lot, but maybe this time i'll actually follow through. possibly. maybe. i dunno. we'll see.

anyway - it's almost thanksgiving and i'm looking forward to trying a couple of new to me recipes. in the meantime, here's a couple of things i made last weekend.

cheddar biscuits: wound up adding a bit more milk to bring the dough together. skipped the parsley and used black garlic salt in lieu of garlic salt. belatedly realized i could've combined the garlic salt and melted butter, but i'm sure i'll make these again so hopefully i'll remember next time.

one-pan chicken, sausage, and brussels sprouts: there are people out there who think sheet pan recipes or other one-pan/one-pot recipes are lazy. i am not one of those people. granted, i've seen some recipes that, in my opinion, lacked seasoning and felt like they were just kinda thrown together, but this was not one of those recipes for me. i already had chicken thighs and italian sausages in the freezer, so i only had to shop for the brussels, shallots, and lemon. i used about a teaspoon of dried rosemary instead of fresh, used a baking sheet lined with foil instead of my cast-iron skillet to make cleanup and my life easier. knowing me, i probably used some garlic powder while seasoning the veggies because, well, i'm me and that's how i roll. this was a good one and i'd make it again. 

hope y'all are well. have a good week. 

it's fall, y'all.

apologies for the silence on this front. i keep meaning to post something but, y'know, life. my bad. still here, though. tired and thriving, or tired and trying to thrive, or something like that. 

i made my first chili of the season last week and will be making these wings for dinner tonight. it's cool enough for me to have the oven on without feeling like i'm gonna pass out from heat exhaustion, which is nice. roasted some potatoes the other day and didn't even break a sweat while the oven was at 425 degrees. love that for me.

that chili was delicious, btw. i made it in the crockpot and i am absolutely gonna make it again at some point. 

hope y'all are doing well or at least hanging in there as best as you can. 

hi.

i'm still here. tired, but still here. overwhelmed, but still here. fewer rights than ever, but still here. uncertain as fuck, but still here. exhausted, but still here. fed the fuck up with *gestures vaguely* everything, but still here. thankful for the people and things that keep me going, and still here. 

try to hang in there, y'all. we're all we've got. love y'all. mean it. 💜

recipe review: ground beef & sweet potato skillet

last week was something the fuck else, and this week is shaping up to be more of the same. trying to keep myself upright is exhausting sometimes, which is probably why i spent a good chunk of my vacation day yesterday in bed. 

but also it's weeks like last week and this week that make me grateful for meal prep. whatever time i can carve out to make sure i have something ready to eat during the week without having to think about it and without having to decide on what to order for dinner and feel bad about spending money when there's plenty of food in the house. 

i'd spotted this recipe recently and remembered that i had ground turkey in the freezer, so that could be substituted for the ground beef. honestly i had everything on hand except the carrots, sweet potatoes, and brussels sprouts. like, there's nothing about this combination that i don't love. so glad adult me decided to revisit brussels sprouts. i used 2 sweet potatoes and maybe a half-dozen carrots? i think there were 3-4 cloves of garlic, give/take one or two; i was finishing a bulb of garlic and why wouldn't i add more garlic? i may try freezing some of this to see how it plays out later. would make again. 

an observation of sorts

i went to check my mail earlier and, as i was closing my door, realized that i still have an occasional habit of looking at the door to make sure nothing's taped to it. y'know, like an eviction notice. never mind that i was actually home when i got served with eviction papers. never mind that it's been 10 years since said eviction. never mind that i've been current, if not a month ahead, on rent since i moved back on my own in 2017. there's still a part of me that checks. that worries. that wonders if and when the other shoe is gonna drop.

a running joke i've had with my therapist is that those of us who were more accustomed to dealing with anxiety/depression/grief/etc. before the pandizzle seemed to be slightly better equipped to deal with...gestures vaguely...all of this. there's some truth to that, i think. we've already developed coping mechanisms (no comment on whether or not those mechanisms are healthy) and ways to get ourselves through our day-to-day. this is just one more thing.

and yet...

i didn't sign up for one more thing. there are definitely days when i wonder if all the struggle and heartbreak and exhaustion were/are worth it. i'm tired of being tired. tired of waiting to see what the next disaster is gonna be. tired of putting in so much effort for what feels like such a small return. i found a post i wrote on my fundraising blog back in 2011 that referenced "playing superwoman when i can't even afford the cape" and holy shit past me was on to something there. i might be able to financially afford the cape now, but the mental/spiritual/emotional aspect? no thanks. hard pass. 

anyway, i say all that to say that as secure as i should be feeling these days, there's still a part of me that wonders if and when it's all gonna come crashing down. i don't necessarily like feeling this way, but the way the world's going these days, it still feels like a valid concern. 🙃

recipe review: overnight breakfast potatoes with sausage

i've been on a somewhat savory breakfast kick lately. i say "somewhat" b/c i've been making bootleg chocolate croissants (crescent roll dough + chocolate chips = voila!) as a breakfast option, but that's usually paired with bacon or sausage, depending on how my meal prep went.

late last week, i realized that i'd made a grocery list and sorta kinda mapped out what my food situation was going to look like for the next few days between meal prep and delivery, but didn't have anything on deck for breakfast. i did a quick search on my laptop for breakfast recipes, this one popped up, and i was intrigued. i remembered that i had about a pound of bulk chorizo in the freezer, and also remembered how much i love a friend's potatoes and chorizo dish, so i figured i'd give this a try.

i used the aforementioned pound of bulk chorizo and about 2 pounds of red potatoes that i scrubbed and cut into eighths. also added 3 cloves of minced garlic with the yellow onion b/c no one should be surprised by my use of garlic at this point. 

here's what i did:

• sprayed the slow cooker insert with cooking spray
• added the potatoes, sliced onion, and minced garlic
• added the 1st tbsp of olive oil, seasoned the mixture with cuban island spice, mixed, added the 2nd tbsp of olive oil and more spice blend, mixed again
• broke the chorizo into smaller pieces/chunks, added it to the crockpot, mixed and seasoned again
• cooked on low for 6.5 hours

i'd add a bit of salt to the potatoes along with the spice blend - i took it easy b/c i didn't want to overdo it and i didn't know how salty the chorizo would be. otherwise delicious. will probably make again with other breakfast sausage type items. 

memorial day weekend recipe roundup

o hai.

still here. still trying to maintain a modicum of "normalcy" in whatever these times are. i'm fully vaccinated and still wearing masks whenever i leave the house. went back to the office a couple of weeks ago for the first time in more than a year and it was weird. the good news is that i don't necessarily have to go back to the office anytime soon. the not so good news is that work remains busy and stressful and our team is short-staffed. i'm grateful to have the flexibility to work from home and log on a few minutes early or late depending on what i have going on. also grateful that our team had a comp day on friday so we could have an extra-long holiday weekend. i know i needed it. i decided to use thursday and friday evenings for meal prep so i could attempt to relax the rest of the weekend, and also because the weather was cool enough for me to have the oven on and not feel as if i was going to melt. 

baked bbq baby back ribs with bourbon bbq sauce: jewel had ribs on sale (surprising, i know, given the holiday weekend) and i had all of the sauce components on hand. ok, technically i only had light brown sugar instead of dark brown sugar, but i was willing to go with it. also i added garlic powder when i seasoned the ribs with salt and pepper. the flavor is great, but the ribs were a bit tough. i'd make them again and adjust the cook time - maybe 2 hours at first instead of the full 2.5 hours, or maybe 30-45 minutes unwrapped instead of the 1.5 hours called for in the recipe. i used eagle rare as the bourbon, because why not use something that i actually like to drink? 

sausage and quinoa stuffed portobellos: i went to green city market wednesday morning, and one of the vendors was so thrilled about my buying something from them that they threw in some portobellos as a thank you. i figured i might as well try a new to me recipe with this unexpected gift. i had three portobellos to work with, so i put the rest of the "stuffing" in a cast iron pan and baked it alongside the stuffed mushrooms. i used dried parsley instead of fresh, and i also added some minced garlic because, well, garlic. asiago was out of stock during my shopping trip, so i used an "italian blend" of cheese instead. of course i wound up buying asiago when i went to the farmers market yesterday because that's how life works sometimes. 

maple bacon brussels sprouts: halved brussels sprouts were on sale this week, so deciding on this one was easy. i used "regular" bacon since i didn't have thick-cut bacon, and added some roasted granulated garlic to the salt and pepper. didn't measure the seasonings or the olive oil, but it came out just fine.  

hope y'all are doing as well as can be. 

on: loyalty

one of the "fun" things about interviewing for internal positions is that i feel less pressure than, say, a more traditional interview. don't get me wrong, interviews are still stressful, especially when you're worried about potential background noise and/or functional headphones while on zoom (yes, both of these things came into play today), but interviewing while you're already employed in a job you don't hate makes it a bit easier, imo.

i was asked today to name one of my enduring qualities. shut up. i know i have lots of them, but this question was part of an interview and therefore we're keeping it professional. 

i thought about it for a moment and decided on loyalty. it really started to resonate while i was explaining my answer, so much so that i made myself a note to post about it here. sorry about the lack of posts, btw. my heart was in the right place but, y'know, life.

anyway...loyalty. if i count you as part of my circle/friends/family/network, that's it. i will be your biggest supporter/cheerleader/sounding board/co-conspirator/etc. unless and until there's a reason for me not to be. same goes at work. if there's a way for me to help a teammate out and i can do it without jeopardizing my own workload? sure, count me in. yes, those have been famous last words at times.

the interviewer seemed to like my answer so yay? it'll probably be a few weeks before i know anything more, so stay tuned.

hope y'all had a pleasant *insert november/december holiday of your choice here*! 😀

and now it's september

today is september 21. you know what that means.

this is really just me checking in to say that i'm still here. everything is still a dumpster fire clusterfuck. i think that's true for a lot of us - everything is still terrible but we're still here, trying to do the best we can with what we have. 

i made a few new to me recipes for meal prep. this grilled wedge-salad slaw was fun because it never would have occurred to me to use cabbage for a wedge salad. also made some honey-lime drumsticks since i had everything except limes (which were on sale for 10 cents each at jewel!). this buffalo pasta had been on my radar for a while and i finally got around to it. not sure it needed all the extra cooking liquid, though. 

i also made this balsamic roasted zucchini with feta last week and omg so good. i used yellow squash and zucchini because they were both on sale and i'm already thinking about making it again. 

hope y'all are doing as well as possible.

holy crap it's august

seriously. august. how? when? what? 

this week in adulting so far:

• monday - got my latest breast mri results back and all is well

• tuesday - finally rescheduled my fibroid surgery (which was supposed to happen in june but, y'know, pandemic) for late october. managed not to throw up from nerves after i finished that phone call.

• today - james would've been 58 today. he's been on my mind a lot lately which makes sense, given the whole birthday thing, and i'm glad that i still have so many great memories. gonna treat myself to bacon burgers and a virtual whiskey tasting later, not necessarily in his honor, but because i deserve nice things and james would support me on this.

in other news, bourbon women's annual conference is going virtual this year. you should register. it's free! it's next week! i know the "curated for women, by women" tagline may be problematic for some folks, and i wish it was a more inclusive slogan, but please know that everyone 21+ is welcome. well, as long as you're not an raging asshole. you can stay away. life is stressful enough, especially right now. no one wants or needs that energy.

hope y'all are staying as safe and healthy as possible. love y'all. mean it. 💜

happy...easter?...sunday?

i checked. it's sunday and it's easter.

so, um, hi! it's been a while. we're all sheltering in place and limiting our trips outside and being as cautious as possible when we do go outside, right? right.

i got back from new orleans about 4 weeks ago and it honestly feels like a lifetime ago. the bourbon festival i was planning to attend there was canceled the night before i left home, as were other large-scale events scheduled for that weekend, but it was still nice to take a break from chicago for a few days. i got back right before bars & restaurants closed down. i went to the office on march 17 to pick up files i needed and haven't been back since. at this point, i wouldn't be surprised if i'm not back in the office until mid to late may at the earliest.

i'm staying at home in my own apartment. i have food and booze and books and cable and internet and bandanas to cover my face with and toilet paper and paper towels and napkins and clorox wipes (seriously, god bless the inventor of clorox wipes). i've been able to support some of my favorite places and people via various fundraisers and ordering food/booze for delivery. as much as i love cooking and meal prepping, it's nice to take a break every once in a while.

speaking of breaks - i'm hungry and my lunch has arrived. y'all stay safe & healthy.

happy new year!

yeah, i know it's february, but it's my first post of 2020 and therefore i can totally get away with saying it.

i brought in the new year by partying hard with andrew w.k. and then coming home to my neighbors marking the beginning of legalized weed in illinois. i still want to know which of them partakes (because i'm pretty sure it's more than one) so we can all hang out. i'll bring the doritos.

meal prep is still going strong. i kinda slacked off on recipe reviews because, well, lazy, but i'll get back to that at some point. you haven't missed much. promise.

what else is happening? i'm serving as a co-ambassador of bourbon women chicago this year, so if you haven't joined or aren't following us on instagram/facebook or aren't on our mailing list, you should do that. don't let the "women" in the name fool you - as i've said before, we're open to people of all gender expressions and identities. are you human? do you want to drink bourbon with other humans? come hang!

oh, and i got promoted at work. still feels kinda weird, tbh. like, who am i? who is this person with a full-time job and a steady income and an apartment they don't have to vacate anytime soon? is this real life? i mean, i just renewed my lease for another year, so yay for that as well, but still...huh?

so, yeah. i originally wrote this just as the senate acquitted the orange doofus who lives on pennsylvania avenue, so saying that the world is still a dumpster fire isn't remotely close to an understatement. i have no idea what 2020 is going to bring. i just hope we make it through as unscathed as possible.

thoughts on the nfl 100 commercial

i wasn't expecting an ad for the nfl to be my favorite commercial from sunday, but here we are, although i did shriek with delight during the stella artois spot when the dude showed up.

 
some thoughts, in no particular order, now that i've watched the ad at least a half dozen times today:

• marshawn lynch is still bereft of fucks to give and i still love him for it. also i have totally looked at a cake the way he did. sorry not sorry. 
• mike singletary! 
• barry and his spin move will never not be awesome. 
• ed reed can and will intercept your face. i want the jacket he was wearing. 
• fuck tom brady always and forever, amen.

10 ingredients to always have on hand

read this week's "i love lists" post from shutterbean and came across someone's 10 ingredients that they always have on hand. i found it interesting because there are definitely staples that i keep around almost all of the time. here's my list, in no particular order:

1. rice: i'm sitting at my kitchen table and i can spy at least 2 microwavable bowls of brown rice and a couple other rice pouches as i type this. sometimes i'll decide to make a stir-fry or fried rice and it's nice to not have to worry about cooking a fresh batch of rice.
2. eggs: there are always eggs in my fridge. i'm making a variation of these frittatas as part of my meal prep for next week. on the rare occasions when i bake, i'm already set because i have eggs on hand. i don't fry foods that often, but when i do? i have eggs ready for an egg wash.
3. bacon: come on. you had to have seen this one coming. if there's not bacon in the fridge, there's definitely some in the freezer, and if i'm completely out, it means i haven't gone to the store yet to re-up. that, or i've been sick and you should probably send someone to check on me.
4. frozen vegetables: i'm particularly happy about this one at the moment, given that the produce sections have been cleaned out due to new year's resolutions and the holiday's impact on delivery schedules. 
5. wine and/or whiskey: this should be another no-brainer. i cook with liquor in the sense that i will pour myself a drink (or three) while i'm cooking. 
6. frozen chicken, turkey, and/or pork: i am my father's daughter, which means i will almost always have some sort of meat-based protein that i can thaw for the next day or a round of meal prep. jewel had pork tenderloins on sale for buy 1, get 2 free, so now i have 3 pork tenderloins in the freezer.
7. cheese: i use cheese sticks as work snacks and occasional "oh god i need to eat something before i pass out" snacks. there's usually cheese slices and/or shredded cheese around as well. 
8. chocolate: i keep a bowl of individually wrapped dove promises on the table for those times when i want something sweet but don't necessarily want dessert.
9. garlic: 2 forms of garlic, actually, if we're counting garlic powder and fresh garlic. if you've read my recipe reviews, then you know i am a proud member of #teamgarlic. 
10. various condiments: soy sauce (for the aforementioned fried rice and stir-fries). bbq sauce. mustard(s) - there's probably at least 3-4 different types around here right now. mayo. jams/jellies/preserves. worcestershire sauce. maple syrup.

honorable mentions go out to olive oil, various vinegars (cider, red wine, balsamic, etc.), and the assorted spices in the cabinet. 

recipe review and other randomness

i tried a recipe for slow cooker bacon-braised greens yesterday. i was all set to link it here for review purposes, but i copied the recipe from a cookbook and of course i don't remember which cookbook it was, so it's damn near impossible for me to find it now. in sum: cook some chopped bacon (i used 4 slices of regular bacon; the recipe calls for 2 thick-cut slices) in a skillet until crispy, then add the bacon and its rendered fat to a slow cooker. i used a 16oz bag of stemmed and chopped collard greens that i sorted and rinsed (the recipe also suggests kale or mustard greens if you're into that). add the greens and 1/4 teaspoon of kosher salt to the slow cooker. the recipe calls for 1 tablespoon of hot sauce but since i don't actually use hot sauce, i went with about 3/4 teaspoon of a sriracha seasoning blend that i had on hand.

stir everything together and cook on low for 3-4 hours. the recipe is for a 5- to 8-quart slow cooker. my crock pot is 4 quarts, so i set the timer for 4 hours on low. probably could've gotten away with 3.5 hours. very little moisture left behind and a few of the greens got a little charred/crispy. not complaining, though.

also, frontera's carnitas cooking sauce is my new jam when pork country-style ribs are on sale. i've tried it twice, both in the slow cooker, and it's delicious.

as for the other randomness...i applied for a potential promotion at work and have been trying not to freak out about it. my boss and i have an understanding - while i'm happy in my current role, i would use this year to at least start scanning the internal landscape to see if anything caught my eye. worst case is that i don't get this potential promotion and things proceed as usual, which is actually fine except for those days when i want to punch everyone in the face.

my friends had a baby and kept the news off of social media until a week after the baby's birth. i can't stop gushing over the pictures and now i can stop worrying about accidentally referring to the pregnancy online. it's funny because this isn't the first time i've had to keep the news of a friend's pregnancy to myself. your secrets are safe with me!

i went out saturday night to listen/dance to house music for the first time in what felt like forever. i'm still laughing at the woman who came up to me and said i had to dance with her because her husband went to pee. also amused by the older guy who, once he confirmed that i did indeed know what song was playing, asked me to dance with him not once, but twice. he said he was 50 years old and i realized that i am totally going to be that 50 y.o. dancing to house music with very few fucks to give. i can't wait.

it's not all puppies and rainbows, sadly. quasi-landlord's sister is seriously ill. carol's father (aka 1st c.'s pastor...now pastor emeritus) is fading. i'm trying to be as supportive as i can without taking on all of the emotional energy that comes with these things, which is a challenge. part of me keeps thinking about how they're going to cope with everything after all of the goodbyes have been said and it's heartbreaking. hell, just writing about it is making me teary. it sucks.

and yeah, the world is still on fire and the current administration is still awful. no idea how the mayoral election is going to play out, but i have a few thoughts and none of them are all that pleasant.

but there's music, and books, and good food, and booze, and friends, and all of the other things that make me glad that i'm still around. hopefully y'all have some things of your own that keep you going. if not, let's go exploring! or just sit around and drink. that also works. big fan of that one, actually.

the mask i wear is heavy as fuck.

i do not want to be called resilient as a compliment. there is nothing complimentary about being resilient when you've had to develop that skill out of sheer necessity.

resiliency is part of the mask i wear. of course everything is fine. no, i'm not in a perpetual state of anxiety that some fucknut or group of fucknuts is going to ruin my life or the lives of people i care about.

i'm not wondering how freeing it might be to just be out here in the world without worrying if i'm too loud or too meek or too aggressive or too large or not the right kind of large or too educated or not educated enough or too other or not other enough. not contemplating what it would be like to just take up space without having to worry about any potential consequences.

i'm not fighting a daily battle against the constant assault on my humanity. not concerned about being seen as less than when i know good and goddamn well that i can outshine some of these people even when i'm at my most mediocre.

i'm not trying to hold on to the truth that i and the people who look like me are capable of more than even we ourselves can imagine. why would i do that? of course things are horrible everywhere but that has nothing to do with me, right?

wrong.

this mask is heavy as fuck and the shit is exhausting. can there be any honor in resiliency when the alternatives, assuming any exist, are bleak and/or out of reach?

don't tell me i'm taking everything in stride and doing so well and that you'd never be able to cope like i have. of course you'd never be able to. you've never had to.

of course i make it look easy. my survival depends on it.

it doesn't hurt me any less, though. if anything, the pain lingers because i know the hits are gonna keep on coming.

baconfest chicago 2018: a brief review

another baconfest is in the books. this is good news for my system. the roasted broccoli i made yesterday is already calling my name because holy crap i've consumed a lot of bacon (and a lot of alcohol) these past few days. i'm just happy that i didn't wake up nearly as hungover as i thought i should've, given my whiskey intake. maybe the bacon canceled out the booze somehow? i doubt it, but i'm also not going to argue with whatever science or magic worked in my favor here.

speaking of favor: here are a few things, in no particular order, that i really enjoyed during the friday dinner and saturday lunch sessions at this year's baconfest:

• pork belly clay pot from the roaming hog. i need this food truck to come to the city so i can eat all of the things. so many of us raved about this dish during friday night's session that i'm still kinda shocked that they didn't win the people's choice or golden rasher award. 
• bacon and fried chicken ramen from honey butter fried chicken. full disclosure: i had a bacon-less version of this ramen a while back when the hbfc homies had it on special and omfg that broth. i could drink that broth every day. why am i not drinking that broth every day? if a cup of that broth magically appeared as i type, i'd be 1) pleasantly surprised because i know honey butter is closed on mondays and 2) thrilled because i would so down that broth right now. honey butter won the golden rasher award for the saturday lunch session and i'm guessing that the judges felt the same way i do about that broth because omfg.
• bacon-stuffed chicken wing from burger bar. more full disclosure: i've had their wings, sans bacon, more times than i can count right now, so when i saw this on the baconfest lineup, i knew i had to try it. y'know, for science and quality control purposes. the bite i got was a boneless wing, but apparently there were actual bone-in wings (as god intended!) that the crew decided not to clue me in on. this is fine. i know where they work. they know i'll be in for wings and house wine (aka jameson).
• baconchetta from whirlyball. i know some folks from #thatsite may be reading this and yes, i totally said "you can whirl these balls, bitch!" under my breath when i made it to whirlyball's station. give me bacon and mango/cherry chutney and whipped goat cheese and you are pretty much guaranteed to have a happy customer on your hands because i love all of those things. 
• iberico bacon. this was so good that i totally spent $7 on a 8oz package to take home and stash in my freezer. i regret nothing. 
• bacon crack from nosh this. i had a sample of this friday night and before the saturday lunch session was over, i was handing them money for a bag of it because if you're able to successfully combine two of my favorite foods, you deserve my support. we'll see if this bag, which is still unopened as of this writing, makes it through the week.