quasi-landlord emailed me this pork tenderloin recipe with a note saying that she had an extra jar of apricot preserves that i could have whenever i was ready to try this out. she also had some cajun seasoning that one of us had bought for a different recipe, but she didn't like it as much as some other brand she had so the seasoning came home with me. i had dijon mustard on hand but it wasn't the grainy kind, because jewel was out of small jars of grainy dijon and i wasn't about to go traipsing hither and yon for something that i only needed a tablespoon of for this recipe. i used a 12-inch cast iron skillet and i think i'd have better results on a gas stove and/or if i wasn't cooking a few other things while this was on the stove top. the flavors are great, but the bacon wasn't as brown/crispy as i thought it should be. i'd make it again if i happen to catch pork tenderloin on sale or just had one in the freezer that i wanted to make use of.
i overbaked the sweet potatoes for this hash, which was annoying because the resulting texture wasn't really what i wanted. i probably should've checked the potatoes after 40 minutes or so in the oven, but in my defense, the potatoes i had were kinda large and so i figured they'd need the full hour. oops. i used 1/2 teaspoon each of dried thyme and sage because no way was i buying fresh herbs when i only needed a teaspoon or two of them. the garlic cloves i had were on the large side, so i only used 2. this is a great side dish and i would make it again, keeping an eye on the sweet potatoes as they're baking so they're still kinda firm.
Wednesday, November 08, 2017
Monday, November 06, 2017
sad sunday into melancholy monday
o hai, it me, still recovering emotionally from yesterday's church shooting. i'm glad i was at home when the news broke, so i could just go back to bed and cry for a bit after i did a mini-thread on twitter, because i'm not sure i could've handled being out in public and trying to hold it together. as it was, i wound up at a couple of my regular haunts in the evening and definitely wasn't feeling my usual sunday funday self. i totally woke up around 3am today because i was having a nightmare. it was frustrating because i knew when i went to bed that i was feeling more susceptible than usual to nightmarish thoughts thanks to the shooting, but i couldn't get my brain to skip over them so i could try to rest. luckily, it's been relatively quiet at work (where i wrote this originally) today so i can continue trying to get my shit together.
during my last visit, i told my therapist that i am trying to be better about focusing on the things i can actually control. there's no off switch i can flip for my empathy, but i can try to hone in on actionable things, be they big or small, that i can actually do something about. it doesn't always work and my anxiety is still on a trillion, but sometimes it helps me if i can cross off one or two things that i have some say over.
i also told her that i still find myself wishing for some semblance of normalcy in my life. that it feels like nothing in the past decade or so has really gone the way i thought it would. that i'm really frustrated by how little control i have over some things and the things i can actually control don't play out the way i want them to or think they should and then i find myself wondering why i even bother.
like the whole moving back into my own place thing. some of y'all know that my apartment building was sold, unbeknownst to me, as i signed a lease and started moving in back in june. the now-current management company told me upfront that my lease wouldn't be renewed in the spring, and then made a paltry offer if i decided to break my lease and move by, say, october. to my credit, i didn't laugh in their faces (seriously, the initial offer was ridiculous and wouldn't have covered nearly enough of my moving expenses).
a few weeks ago, i ran into some of the management staff on my day off and found out that the construction they'd already started on some of the vacant units was going to be ramped up after the end of november. keep in mind that my lease runs through may 2018. i still wasn't all that worried - i work monday-friday from 9-5(ish) so if the construction's happening during the day, i didn't think it'd be all that inconvenient. "but there'll be water shutoffs, and power outages, and we can't guarantee that everything will be working every night when you get home."
then they brought up a potential lease buyout and moving assistance, which was closer to what i wanted to hear if they really wanted me to move before the end of my lease. what nailed it for me was hearing that i would be the last tenant standing, so to speak, after the end of november. we all know that i'm the queen of the universe and have a tough demeanor and all, but nothing about being the only person living in a building where contractors and other folks i don't know are going to be in and out sat well with me. it still doesn't, to be honest. it's like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up whenever i think about it.
so the apartment search has begun, again, and i am getting annoyed with listings that don't provide address information (not even cross streets!) or photos, again, and my anxiety is back through the roof again because what if these new management companies take a look at my credit and laugh themselves silly while pocketing my application fees?
i'm trying to stay focused, though. i went on a few showings this weekend and found one in my current neighborhood and budget that doesn't suck. i am still hammering out the details of this move-out agreement with my current management company because if i'm going to move for the 2nd time in 6 months, i want them to shoulder as much of the financial and logistical brunt of it as possible. of course some intriguing units are popping up in my old neighborhood now that i've been spoiled by my shorter work commute, so i may check one or two of them out just to see if they're viable.
part of me can't help but to laugh at all of this, because why would anything in my life proceed normally and according to plan. i visited quasi-landlord a couple of weeks ago because i was totally freaking out and i knew she could help me see reason or at least help me start thinking about things in a rational way. she helped me clarify what i want, what i'm willing to work with/accept, and, god bless her, offered to take me back in if this current plan doesn't work out so i can save money and move back out in the springs when there are more listings to choose from. i don't plan on that happening, but i really do love her for making the offer.
i keep saying to myself, and to my therapist, and to the friends i've talked to off-line about this, that things will work out because they have to. i may not have the how or when nailed down yet, but they are going to work out because there's no choice. i am going to make things work out because i really don't know any other way to operate. sometimes, i really wish there was another way for me to function, though. maybe i wouldn't be as anxious or feel like i have to keep everything moving because the alternative is to fall flat on my face.
during my last visit, i told my therapist that i am trying to be better about focusing on the things i can actually control. there's no off switch i can flip for my empathy, but i can try to hone in on actionable things, be they big or small, that i can actually do something about. it doesn't always work and my anxiety is still on a trillion, but sometimes it helps me if i can cross off one or two things that i have some say over.
i also told her that i still find myself wishing for some semblance of normalcy in my life. that it feels like nothing in the past decade or so has really gone the way i thought it would. that i'm really frustrated by how little control i have over some things and the things i can actually control don't play out the way i want them to or think they should and then i find myself wondering why i even bother.
like the whole moving back into my own place thing. some of y'all know that my apartment building was sold, unbeknownst to me, as i signed a lease and started moving in back in june. the now-current management company told me upfront that my lease wouldn't be renewed in the spring, and then made a paltry offer if i decided to break my lease and move by, say, october. to my credit, i didn't laugh in their faces (seriously, the initial offer was ridiculous and wouldn't have covered nearly enough of my moving expenses).
a few weeks ago, i ran into some of the management staff on my day off and found out that the construction they'd already started on some of the vacant units was going to be ramped up after the end of november. keep in mind that my lease runs through may 2018. i still wasn't all that worried - i work monday-friday from 9-5(ish) so if the construction's happening during the day, i didn't think it'd be all that inconvenient. "but there'll be water shutoffs, and power outages, and we can't guarantee that everything will be working every night when you get home."
then they brought up a potential lease buyout and moving assistance, which was closer to what i wanted to hear if they really wanted me to move before the end of my lease. what nailed it for me was hearing that i would be the last tenant standing, so to speak, after the end of november. we all know that i'm the queen of the universe and have a tough demeanor and all, but nothing about being the only person living in a building where contractors and other folks i don't know are going to be in and out sat well with me. it still doesn't, to be honest. it's like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up whenever i think about it.
so the apartment search has begun, again, and i am getting annoyed with listings that don't provide address information (not even cross streets!) or photos, again, and my anxiety is back through the roof again because what if these new management companies take a look at my credit and laugh themselves silly while pocketing my application fees?
i'm trying to stay focused, though. i went on a few showings this weekend and found one in my current neighborhood and budget that doesn't suck. i am still hammering out the details of this move-out agreement with my current management company because if i'm going to move for the 2nd time in 6 months, i want them to shoulder as much of the financial and logistical brunt of it as possible. of course some intriguing units are popping up in my old neighborhood now that i've been spoiled by my shorter work commute, so i may check one or two of them out just to see if they're viable.
part of me can't help but to laugh at all of this, because why would anything in my life proceed normally and according to plan. i visited quasi-landlord a couple of weeks ago because i was totally freaking out and i knew she could help me see reason or at least help me start thinking about things in a rational way. she helped me clarify what i want, what i'm willing to work with/accept, and, god bless her, offered to take me back in if this current plan doesn't work out so i can save money and move back out in the springs when there are more listings to choose from. i don't plan on that happening, but i really do love her for making the offer.
i keep saying to myself, and to my therapist, and to the friends i've talked to off-line about this, that things will work out because they have to. i may not have the how or when nailed down yet, but they are going to work out because there's no choice. i am going to make things work out because i really don't know any other way to operate. sometimes, i really wish there was another way for me to function, though. maybe i wouldn't be as anxious or feel like i have to keep everything moving because the alternative is to fall flat on my face.
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