my father would've been 88 today. i'm not entirely convinced he would've lived to 88, given his health issues and, y'know, systemic racism, but part of me likes to think he would've made it. i would've liked to see how our relationship continued to progress once i finished college. there was a definite shift once i turned 18 from "this is how i'm raising you" to "this is how i raised you" even though i was still under his roof and therefore following his rules. i can only wonder.
his birthday kinda snuck up on me this year. february into late march tends to be my annual time of blah due to birthdays and death anniversaries of people i love. i've been feeling anxious and sad and depressed but didn't think too much about it because, um, hi, we're still navigating our way through a pandemic.
i have to remind myself (and my therapist has to remind me) that it's ok to be tired. to give myself grace. to feel whatever i'm feeling in the moment and do what's best for me. the degree of difficulty in doing that right now has definitely increased by...a lot. a metric fuck-ton, even.
one thing that struck me last night is that i am usually super busy this time of year with concerts and plays and dance performances and museum visits and other social activities, all of which help me keep my mind off things and therefore lessen my desire/need to curl up into a ball and cry. can't really do that these days. on one hand, yay for having more time to sit with my feelings. on the other hand, ugh, more time to sit with my feelings. yes, i know virtual performances and events are options and yes, i've been taking advantage of those when/where i can, but we all know it's not the same. i'm actually signed up for a virtual talk this evening, with another tentatively penciled in for right after work, but i just want to go to bed. i'm sleepy and tired and exhausted and i'm having lots of feelings and leaving the house to do other things isn't the best option right now b/c cold and snow and covid.
another thing that struck me last night? i don't have a copy of my mother's death certificate. i have my father's and i have one for james because i needed them for life insurance cash-out purposes back when i was (unsuccessfully) trying not to get evicted, but i don't have one for my mother. i guess i never needed it. i ordered a copy earlier because why not just lean into the morbid feelings when you've been crying off and on all morning? ugh, zero stars, do not recommend.
we can all agree that grieving during a pandemic can and does look a bit differently than "usual." i know i've had conversations about how our coping mechanisms can only go so far b/c we can't gather together or travel or whatever like we used to. very few of us enjoy going to funerals, but not having the option to have a traditional service? it sucks. i reread what i wrote about grief in 2018 and while it's still true, it's also different. can't really meet your friends for drinks and food and hugs and conversation these days. i mean, i suppose you could if you and said friends are willing to take that risk and mask up and be socially distanced...which basically rules out hugs. sigh.
it just occurred to me that pulaski day is on march 1 this year. march 1 is also the anniversary of my mother's death. luckily i have that day off b/c pulaski day is one of my favorite random holidays and thankfully i have enough vacation time to make that happen. luckily i made a reservation at the bar for that evening earlier this week. nice job, past me. way to be considerate!
so, yeah. grief is palpable and constant and i don't really have any advice or comforting thoughts right now, aside from muddle through it as best as you can. that's what i'm doing today. also today is national drink wine day so if that's something you're able and willing to do, feel free. i'll probably open a bottle as well. cheers.
