recipe reviews/so, that was christmas

it's the day after christmas and a week and some change after my birthday. hooray! i was really burnt out by the time my birthday break came around, so it was probably for the best that i didn't go overboard with plans. especially since, y'know, there's still a whole entire pandizzle happening. 

i realized that i hadn't really decided on a meal prep strategy for the week between my birthday and christmas, so i decided to make potatoes, sausage, and green beans in the crockpot. yeah, it's super basic and yeah, i added more garlic and used my last package of roasted garlic turkey smoked sausage, but it got the job done.

this roast chicken with onion gravy was one of the mains for christmas dinner. the gravy took a bit longer to emulsify to my liking and i actually wound up using a cornstarch slurry to bring it together, but it tasted great, especially since i added about 3-4 cloves of garlic to the onion/broth mixture and used black garlic salt to season the chicken. i'm sure the omission of garlic in the original recipe was just some sort of oversight, lol.

hope y'all are hanging in there. can't believe 2022 is around the corner. trying not to get my hopes up too much about the new year so maybe i can be pleasantly surprised when things go well? yeah, i don't really believe that either. 

recipe review: mustard and maple crispy pork belly/so long, november

today is november 30. even though i've been celebrating my birthday for almost 2 weeks now, part of me still can't believe that november's over. not sure where the time went this month, but here we are. 

anyway, i made this pork belly recipe for thanksgiving. i don't like turkey enough to make a whole one or even a turkey breast b/c what's the point? plus i knew between hanging with bff on friday and dinner with quasi-landlord on saturday, i'd have more than enough turkey to last me for a while. hell, there's turkey in my freezer as i type this. 

the pork belly was a hit, although the skin was definitely on the salty side. i might cut back and/or use kosher salt or a different type of sea salt next time around. for the mustard, i used some stone-ground mustard along with this prosciutto mustard. no regrets there. oh, and i used bourbon barrel-aged maple syrup because that's what i have in the fridge right now. no regrets there either. 

i also find it hilarious how people get worked up about the shelf life of thanksgiving leftovers as if meal prepping for a week (or at least a few days at a time) isn't a thing. bless their hearts. 

recipe review: curried chicken sauté

i'm sure i've tried other recipes since my last review and just forgotten to post about them. or maybe i've been relying on old standbys? or both? i dunno. life is still (always?) bonkers and i'm glad i remember to feed myself.

i had some chicken breasts in the freezer and wanted something relatively easy to make as part of my meal prep. this recipe for curried chicken sauté caught my eye while i was going through my binders of recipes, so i decided to give it a try. i used one red bell pepper and one orange bell pepper, because even at 99 cents each, the individual peppers were cheaper than buying a package of pre-sliced peppers. i added garlic powder b/c why not? i should've sliced the chicken into smaller pieces so it'd be easier to eat, but it's still good and i'd make it again. 

an observation of sorts

i went to check my mail earlier and, as i was closing my door, realized that i still have an occasional habit of looking at the door to make sure nothing's taped to it. y'know, like an eviction notice. never mind that i was actually home when i got served with eviction papers. never mind that it's been 10 years since said eviction. never mind that i've been current, if not a month ahead, on rent since i moved back on my own in 2017. there's still a part of me that checks. that worries. that wonders if and when the other shoe is gonna drop.

a running joke i've had with my therapist is that those of us who were more accustomed to dealing with anxiety/depression/grief/etc. before the pandizzle seemed to be slightly better equipped to deal with...gestures vaguely...all of this. there's some truth to that, i think. we've already developed coping mechanisms (no comment on whether or not those mechanisms are healthy) and ways to get ourselves through our day-to-day. this is just one more thing.

and yet...

i didn't sign up for one more thing. there are definitely days when i wonder if all the struggle and heartbreak and exhaustion were/are worth it. i'm tired of being tired. tired of waiting to see what the next disaster is gonna be. tired of putting in so much effort for what feels like such a small return. i found a post i wrote on my fundraising blog back in 2011 that referenced "playing superwoman when i can't even afford the cape" and holy shit past me was on to something there. i might be able to financially afford the cape now, but the mental/spiritual/emotional aspect? no thanks. hard pass. 

anyway, i say all that to say that as secure as i should be feeling these days, there's still a part of me that wonders if and when it's all gonna come crashing down. i don't necessarily like feeling this way, but the way the world's going these days, it still feels like a valid concern. 🙃

recipe review: cabbage roll casserole

i saw this cabbage roll casserole on instagram, probably earlier in the week or at some point last week, and decided to make it for meal prep. i like stuffed cabbage but i don't like making stuffed cabbage, so this definitely appealed to me. 

i used ground turkey b/c i had some in the freezer. there were 4 cloves of garlic left on a head of garlic i had, so i used all of them and then added garlic powder to the cabbage mixture. i bought "regular" tomato sauce instead of no-salt-added, and used a cup each of chicken broth and beef broth; since i was using turkey instead of beef, i figured it'd help boost the flavor a bit. the head of cabbage i bought was on the small side (~1 1/4 pounds before i cored and chopped it), which didn't yield as much cabbage as i probably needed but it still worked. 

the dried dill seemed like a lot at first: it's not overpowering, but i might dial it back a bit the next time i make it. it's entirely possible that i will never make traditional stuffed cabbage again now. i'd like to try it with ground beef, and if i ever manage to get more chicken chorizo from whole foods, i'd definitely try it with this.

recipe review: skillet potatoes and zucchini

i've been thinking a lot about self-care lately. sounds indulgent, i know, given the current (ongoing?) state of the world, but i also know i have to try to take care of myself before i can be of any help to others. sometimes that means going to bed early to read a book before i fall asleep. sometimes it means vegging out on the couch. recently, though, it's meant making sure i'm somewhat prepared for the work week so i'm not scrambling for meal ideas. 

i wasn't really committed to meal prepping for this week. i knew i'd be going out for or ordering dinner at least 2-3 nights, so i didn't feel any urgency in having full dinner options handy. for times like this, i've learned it's better for me to at least have part of a dinner ready to go so i could figure out the rest on the fly if i needed to. this time, i decided to have a vegetable/side dish on hand. 

the skillet potatoes and zucchini (first recipe on the list) jumped out at me when i first read about it in food & wine last week. why have i never considered adding zucchini to what is essentially a hash? i used a couple of russet potatoes that i wound up boiling for too long, so they came out more tender than they probably needed to be for this recipe. i used a small white onion and added a 1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder because clearly the lack of garlic in the original recipe was a mistake. i'd make this again, maybe with refrigerated hash browns or diced potatoes (bonus if they include onions). also thinking about making a variation of potatoes with chorizo and adding zucchini somehow, or using yellow squash. 

recipe review: slow-cooker honey-orange chicken drumsticks

i dunno how the weather is wherever you may be reading this, but here in chicago? it's hot. like, 80-90 degrees for days on end hot. i am not a fan of hot weather and i don't have central air, so i have to be a bit more strategic when it comes to meal prep because i don't want to turn on the oven or even stand at the stove for longer than i absolutely have to. thank black jesus for the crockpot. off i went to my recipe files, looking for potential slow cooker recipes that could incorporate either something i had in the freezer or something i could add to my weekly shopping list. 

turns out i had some chicken legs in the freezer, so i only needed a couple other things to make this recipe work. i also have a bottle of this honey-ginger white balsamic vinegar, so i used half of the rice vinegar called for in the recipe and substituted this for the other half. i think i used 4 garlic cloves instead of 3, used about a teaspoon of dried ginger instead of fresh, and skipped the cilantro and sesame seeds altogether. 

the sauce probably could've reduced down a bit more, and i think either the chicken or the sauce could've used some salt, but otherwise i think this could make a repeat appearance, maybe with some chicken thighs. 

recipe review: overnight breakfast potatoes with sausage

i've been on a somewhat savory breakfast kick lately. i say "somewhat" b/c i've been making bootleg chocolate croissants (crescent roll dough + chocolate chips = voila!) as a breakfast option, but that's usually paired with bacon or sausage, depending on how my meal prep went.

late last week, i realized that i'd made a grocery list and sorta kinda mapped out what my food situation was going to look like for the next few days between meal prep and delivery, but didn't have anything on deck for breakfast. i did a quick search on my laptop for breakfast recipes, this one popped up, and i was intrigued. i remembered that i had about a pound of bulk chorizo in the freezer, and also remembered how much i love a friend's potatoes and chorizo dish, so i figured i'd give this a try.

i used the aforementioned pound of bulk chorizo and about 2 pounds of red potatoes that i scrubbed and cut into eighths. also added 3 cloves of minced garlic with the yellow onion b/c no one should be surprised by my use of garlic at this point. 

here's what i did:

• sprayed the slow cooker insert with cooking spray
• added the potatoes, sliced onion, and minced garlic
• added the 1st tbsp of olive oil, seasoned the mixture with cuban island spice, mixed, added the 2nd tbsp of olive oil and more spice blend, mixed again
• broke the chorizo into smaller pieces/chunks, added it to the crockpot, mixed and seasoned again
• cooked on low for 6.5 hours

i'd add a bit of salt to the potatoes along with the spice blend - i took it easy b/c i didn't want to overdo it and i didn't know how salty the chorizo would be. otherwise delicious. will probably make again with other breakfast sausage type items. 

memorial day weekend recipe roundup

o hai.

still here. still trying to maintain a modicum of "normalcy" in whatever these times are. i'm fully vaccinated and still wearing masks whenever i leave the house. went back to the office a couple of weeks ago for the first time in more than a year and it was weird. the good news is that i don't necessarily have to go back to the office anytime soon. the not so good news is that work remains busy and stressful and our team is short-staffed. i'm grateful to have the flexibility to work from home and log on a few minutes early or late depending on what i have going on. also grateful that our team had a comp day on friday so we could have an extra-long holiday weekend. i know i needed it. i decided to use thursday and friday evenings for meal prep so i could attempt to relax the rest of the weekend, and also because the weather was cool enough for me to have the oven on and not feel as if i was going to melt. 

baked bbq baby back ribs with bourbon bbq sauce: jewel had ribs on sale (surprising, i know, given the holiday weekend) and i had all of the sauce components on hand. ok, technically i only had light brown sugar instead of dark brown sugar, but i was willing to go with it. also i added garlic powder when i seasoned the ribs with salt and pepper. the flavor is great, but the ribs were a bit tough. i'd make them again and adjust the cook time - maybe 2 hours at first instead of the full 2.5 hours, or maybe 30-45 minutes unwrapped instead of the 1.5 hours called for in the recipe. i used eagle rare as the bourbon, because why not use something that i actually like to drink? 

sausage and quinoa stuffed portobellos: i went to green city market wednesday morning, and one of the vendors was so thrilled about my buying something from them that they threw in some portobellos as a thank you. i figured i might as well try a new to me recipe with this unexpected gift. i had three portobellos to work with, so i put the rest of the "stuffing" in a cast iron pan and baked it alongside the stuffed mushrooms. i used dried parsley instead of fresh, and i also added some minced garlic because, well, garlic. asiago was out of stock during my shopping trip, so i used an "italian blend" of cheese instead. of course i wound up buying asiago when i went to the farmers market yesterday because that's how life works sometimes. 

maple bacon brussels sprouts: halved brussels sprouts were on sale this week, so deciding on this one was easy. i used "regular" bacon since i didn't have thick-cut bacon, and added some roasted granulated garlic to the salt and pepper. didn't measure the seasonings or the olive oil, but it came out just fine.  

hope y'all are doing as well as can be. 

on: grace and grief

as i mentioned previously, i ordered a copy of my mother's death certificate a few weeks ago. it arrived today. i opened it knowing that i didn't really have any set expectations. i didn't think i would learn anything new about how or when she died. my memory of being told of her death is still quite vivid and i'm kinda tearing up just thinking about it.

i also remember being told at some point that she'd had a heart attack. this is what i told people for years because it's what i had been told. i think i was in high school when my father told me that while yes, she'd had a heart attack, it was really the cancer that killed her. i think we were in the car on a road trip, maybe. i just remember sitting there stunned because up to that point, no one had mentioned cancer and if they had, i shut it down with "no, it was a heart attack" because again, that's what i had been told. 

i thought about that while i read the death certificate. sure enough, it basically said that she died of a heart attack and she had cancer. none of this is/was surprising to me. what i found noteworthy, though, was being able to forgive my family for...i don't know...softening the truth a bit. i mean, no 7 year old should have to figure out what cancer means and why it took away someone they loved. all i knew is that my mother was sick and had been in and out of the hospital and then one day i came home after school and she was gone. 

like, current me can appreciate the fact that my father and everyone else let me continue making imaginary food to feed her. here, have this invisible soup. or a slice of make-believe cake. my father would request rabbit stew and i wish i could remember how/why that became a running joke - maybe i had a stuffed toy rabbit - and so i'd make imaginary rabbit stew. sure, why not?

as dysfunctional as my family was/is, they somehow managed to keep things relatively "normal" for me during that time. i still went to school and went to my best friend's house after school, which was convenient not only because our mothers were good friends, but also because we lived on the same block. my father still had to go to work every day, as did my brothers, and then come home and take care of my mother and me. i don't know how they did it. 

hence the extension of grace while reading my mother's death certificate. i'm choosing to believe that they did the best they could with what they had. maybe they needed to believe it was "only" a heart attack (and by no means am i trivializing the severity of heart attacks) in order to wade through their grief and, by extension, help me manage my own. i'm going to believe that there was no malicious intent behind them not disclosing her cancer. i'm ok with thinking that my father was waiting until he knew i could handle it before telling me. 

it's still #fuckcancer forever and always, amen. 

88 and/or grief hitting differently during a pandemic

my father would've been 88 today. i'm not entirely convinced he would've lived to 88, given his health issues and, y'know, systemic racism, but part of me likes to think he would've made it. i would've liked to see how our relationship continued to progress once i finished college. there was a definite shift once i turned 18 from "this is how i'm raising you" to "this is how i raised you" even though i was still under his roof and therefore following his rules. i can only wonder.

his birthday kinda snuck up on me this year. february into late march tends to be my annual time of blah due to birthdays and death anniversaries of people i love. i've been feeling anxious and sad and depressed but didn't think too much about it because, um, hi, we're still navigating our way through a pandemic. 

i have to remind myself (and my therapist has to remind me) that it's ok to be tired. to give myself grace. to feel whatever i'm feeling in the moment and do what's best for me. the degree of difficulty in doing that right now has definitely increased by...a lot. a metric fuck-ton, even. 

one thing that struck me last night is that i am usually super busy this time of year with concerts and plays and dance performances and museum visits and other social activities, all of which help me keep my mind off things and therefore lessen my desire/need to curl up into a ball and cry. can't really do that these days. on one hand, yay for having more time to sit with my feelings. on the other hand, ugh, more time to sit with my feelings. yes, i know virtual performances and events are options and yes, i've been taking advantage of those when/where i can, but we all know it's not the same. i'm actually signed up for a virtual talk this evening, with another tentatively penciled in for right after work, but i just want to go to bed. i'm sleepy and tired and exhausted and i'm having lots of feelings and leaving the house to do other things isn't the best option right now b/c cold and snow and covid. 

another thing that struck me last night? i don't have a copy of my mother's death certificate. i have my father's and i have one for james because i needed them for life insurance cash-out purposes back when i was (unsuccessfully) trying not to get evicted, but i don't have one for my mother. i guess i never needed it. i ordered a copy earlier because why not just lean into the morbid feelings when you've been crying off and on all morning? ugh, zero stars, do not recommend. 

we can all agree that grieving during a pandemic can and does look a bit differently than "usual." i know i've had conversations about how our coping mechanisms can only go so far b/c we can't gather together or travel or whatever like we used to. very few of us enjoy going to funerals, but not having the option to have a traditional service? it sucks. i reread what i wrote about grief in 2018 and while it's still true, it's also different. can't really meet your friends for drinks and food and hugs and conversation these days. i mean, i suppose you could if you and said friends are willing to take that risk and mask up and be socially distanced...which basically rules out hugs. sigh. 

it just occurred to me that pulaski day is on march 1 this year. march 1 is also the anniversary of my mother's death. luckily i have that day off b/c pulaski day is one of my favorite random holidays and thankfully i have enough vacation time to make that happen. luckily i made a reservation at the bar for that evening earlier this week. nice job, past me. way to be considerate!

so, yeah. grief is palpable and constant and i don't really have any advice or comforting thoughts right now, aside from muddle through it as best as you can. that's what i'm doing today. also today is national drink wine day so if that's something you're able and willing to do, feel free. i'll probably open a bottle as well. cheers. 

on: mutual aid

i've been thinking about mutual aid lately. not so much the networks/societies that have popped up and/or become more prevalent during the pandemic, but a more...i dunno...organic version. for me, it's more a notion of "if i have, you have." 

as i was pondering this the other night, it occurred to me that i learned this from my father, but not in any sort of overt kind of way. if you were hungry, he'd feed you. i don't think i really appreciated this while he was alive, but it's really been sinking in the past few weeks/months/years. whenever he came to visit me at nu, there was food involved. if i went home for a break or a weekend or even just for a day, i'd come back to the dorms with food. it didn't matter if i'd just been home or if he'd just been up for a visit the week before. "i see you, i love you, here's some food and maybe $20 if you want to order more food" seemed to be a prevailing theme. hey, remember when $20 seemed like a near-fortune in terms of ordering food? those were the days...

and it wasn't just me and it wasn't just food. one of his girlfriends needed to do laundry, so he went and picked her up so she could use our washer and dryer. never mind the fact that he "accidentally" locked her in the basement when another one of his girlfriends showed up unannounced. she needed help, he was in a position to help, problem solved. (if i remember correctly, girlfriend #2 left before girlfriend #1 tried to come back upstairs, but this was decades ago and my memory is fuzzy, lol)

it can be challenging, especially right now, to offer support when so many people are struggling. how do you choose? how much can you afford to give? is it even worth giving if it's a small amount? (yes.)

obviously you should do whatever makes sense and is comfortable for you. for me, it might be using what i'd normally spend on a weekend's bar tabs to virtually "tip" my bartender boos or donate to a couple of fundraisers. even before the pandemic, i'd sometimes buy extra groceries to share with un(der)employed friends. i miss showing up at the bar with snacks or the occasional dinner for all of us to enjoy. you need to eat? cool. let's eat. you want a drink or 2? that can totally be arranged. we might have to do it at a socially acceptable distance while wearing masks, but if you need and i have, let's try to figure something out.

do what you can, where you are, with what you have, for who you love. the "who" can be friends and family, or your favorite bar/restaurant staff, or people you haven't met irl but still feel a sense of community with, or some other definition. 

i realize this is sorta kinda preaching to the choir because almost all of y'all are doing this in some shape form or fashion, but it's good to have a reminder every once in a while, no? 

miss y'all. love y'all. try to stay as well as possible. 😊