i was at work last saturday and was still kinda cranky b/c i didn't really wanna be there, but since 2 people had already called out and saturday is one of the days that i'm technically in charge of the department, i felt like i had no choice but to suck it up and go.
so i'm at work and i notice that one of my co-workers is on the verge of tears. i asked if she was ok and she said that something happened that made her think of her mom and before she could finish that sentence, i pretty much ordered her to go hang out in the back room so she could have a quick crying jag & pull herself together.
see, this co-worker lost her mom about a month and a half ago, and since she's the oldest child, she feels like she has to put on a strong front for her siblings and for her dad. she knows that i'm well acquainted with the whole losing parents/family members thing (sigh), so she asked me if the pain ever goes away.
i didn't lie. i told her the pain somehow eventually gets easier to manage, but that in my experience, there will always be a part of you that will always be in mourning. i told her like i've told other folks both here and off-line - grieve however you think is best. if that means you need to take a few minutes at work to have a mini-breakdown on my shoulder, then so be it. (that totes happened, btw.)
later that day, this same co-worker asked how i was able to do such a good job of helping her and other co-workers who've experienced a loss in the family. i jokingly said that it comes from years of experience, but there's a bit of truth there, i suppose. work has been kinda weird lately anyway, seeing as how one of the librarians died earlier this month from injuries suffered in an accident while they were on their way to work. a lot of people have been coming in to express their condolences and in a couple of cases, i end up consoling them b/c they are distraught to the point of tears and frankly, sometimes i can't handle that kind of energy while i'm working at the desk, esp. from people i don't know.
it's different with y'all, obviously. we're cool enough and clearly y'all trust me enough to share your grief with me, and hopefully i do a decent enough job of listening and helping y'all work through whatever it is you feel like working through at that moment.
i've noticed that it's not just grief/coping with someone's death, though. a lot of times i'm pulled into a counselor role for friends who are just having a rough time. i'm ok with that. i like to think that i'm good at it. i can be that friend/counselor that allows you to say whatever's on your mind and if the situation calls for it, i can offer to beat people up or flip a table on someone's behalf or pass you some tissue or enable the eating and/or drinking of your feelings.
the difficult part, though (you had to have known that there was a "but" coming somewhere), is that sometimes i have to sacrifice myself a bit in order to effectively play that counselor role. i am human enough to admit that i'm not as selfless as i'd like to be during these circumstances. it's challenging when my selfish side is all "what about me and my feelings and my needs pay attention to me dammit" when i know good and damn well the occasion is really calling for me to shut the entire fuck up and listen to what y'all need and attempt to fill those needs as best i can. sometimes that means ignoring the fact that there's only one person on the desk at the work so i can literally lend a supportive shoulder to a colleague. other times it might mean changing my plans in order to buy booze that i really shouldn't be spending money on so i can help a friend drink their cares away.
i suppose that's kinda what being a counselor is about - having the ability to temporarily put yourself aside so you can serve others? i've been that friend for folks since high school (and possible junior high, but y'all know how my memory is sometimes) and it feels like it gets more difficult as we get older. which makes sense, i guess, since our lives get more complicated as we get older and therefore it gets harder to compartmentalize your needs so you can focus on the greater good.
so if i haven't already, let me apologize if at any point during our "counseling sessions," i've spaced out or gone quiet or you felt like i wasn't 100% there. that's me reminding myself to get my shit together and focus on the task at hand, which is helping you deal with whatever you've brought to the table at that moment. i appreciate that a certain level of vulnerability has to exist in order for us to talk about deep (and even the not-so-deep) stuff, and i don't take that responsibility lightly. we'll get through it together. i promise. :-)
