there's a jewel w/in walking distance to my current abode. to get there, i take a shortcut that passes by a junior high school. not just any junior high school, though...the same junior high school that served as a campsite for day 2 of the breast cancer 3-day i walked in back in 2004. the same junior high school i decided not to sleep at that night b/c i was so tired and so close to home that i asked troy in advance to get someone pick me up from the school and drive us home so i could shower and pass out. the same junior high school where the sweep van deposited me and some other walkers b/c we were damn near delirious with exhaustion and there was a storm coming and they were worried about our safety and i sobbed all the way back to that junior high school b/c i hadn't technically finished the mileage for that day even though at some points i literally fell asleep while walking. i was probably still crying when i saw troy and kim and nick and i think curcio was there too and maybe some other people i don't remember right now. i remember going to dinner w/troy and kim and nick, i remember going home, taking a shower, and going the fuck to sleep b/c i had to get up at some insane hour to catch a cab back to the junior high school. i remember the cab driver having no idea where the school was, and i really didn't either, but we made it eventually and i met up with the rest of my team and we grabbed some breakfast and headed out for the final day of the breast cancer 3-day. i remember making the decision to walk in the 2004 3-day b/c i'd volunteered for the past 3 or 4 years prior and i wanted to walk in at least one event. as it happens, 2004 also was the 20th anniversary of my mom's death. growing up, i'd always been told that she died of a heart attack, but i was probably in junior high or high school when someone (daddy, maybe? or maybe james? i dunno) said that she'd had breast cancer. 28 years later, and i can still tell you how the family broke the news of my mother's death to me. i can still remember bits and pieces of her funeral and how i tugged on my father's arm to get him to stand up when my mom's pastor asked any visitors to stand b/c the funeral was at my mom's church and daddy & i went to a different church and therefore, to my 7 y.o. mind, we were visiting even though we'd been there any number of times previously b/c my brothers also went to that church and greg was playing drums and mom was involved in who knows how many activities. so, yeah. i feel a little pang whenever i pass that junior high school to buy groceries. it's also the site for my nearest market day pickup, which, as i'm sure i've written about previously, reminds me of james. not in a bad way, mind you, but his not being here still hits me sometimes like it just happened.
and then sometimes i get even more emotional than usual b/c i find myself trying to figure out how i got to this place. how i came to be living this close to that junior high school, and how the woman of this house lost her 9-year battle with cancer this summer, and how i'm always like #fuckcancer b/c seriously, fuck cancer and if i have to explain that to you, well, then, fuck you too b/c clearly you haven't been paying attention to my life or the lives of anyone around us who's had to deal with cancer b/c cancer fucking sucks. there's not a week that goes by that i don't wish/hope/pray for better outcomes for my friends' mothers and fathers and relatives and friends and, when i'm feeling particularly low and selfish, for my own parents, b/c fuck cancer. and i wish i didn't have this housesitting gig b/c i'd much rather for my quasi-landlord to still have her mother around and living here instead of me. cancer's real evil like that, so fuck cancer.
there's someone at work who has a variation of the lung disease james had before he got really ill. i hear them complain about all the pills they have to take and how nothing works and since they already get on my nerves b/c they kinda suck at their job which makes my work life more difficult, i really want to punch them in the face even though it's not their fault and they're not intentionally setting out to remind me of james more than i already think of him. i wish james was still around to tell me about his latest drug regimen and how the steroids his doctor prescribed once made him go to popeye's and order an 12-piece box of chicken that he proceeded to eat in one sitting while his co-workers wondered aloud where their lunch was b/c they thought he was gonna share that box of chicken and how he hated feeling hungry and bloated and fat but if that's what he needed to go through to get better, then that's what he'd do. and since this co-worker and i aren't on super-friendly terms, i just nod whenever they start whining about how much their life sucks when i really want to yell at them to be grateful for whatever life they have b/c some people don't get the chance to live as long as we want them to, but then i walk away b/c y'all know i need this job more than a little bit and i'd rather not get fired on some bullshit.
i watched benji tonight and every 5-10 minutes or so, when i'd recover from a crying jag, i'd wish i could call james and ask him what he remembered. i was only 7 when ben wilson died. it was in 1984. the same year i lost my mother. ben winning the state championship happened right after my mom's funeral, give/take a week or two. i was 7 going on 8 that november. james had just turned 22. he would've remembered benji better than i would have or could have. i wanted to call james and have him take me down memory lane, to talk about benji and about our lives w/o our mother in those first few months. what was easter like for us that year? his birthday? thanksgiving? my birthday? christmas? i couldn't tell y'all if i wanted to what those first months were like b/c i don't remember, and the person who was closest to me in age isn't around anymore for me to ask, and i'd just start crying again. seriously, b/c benji and this week's episode of "parenthood," i have cried more while watching tv tonight than i probably do in a month or more.
and yet here i am. in this house i don't own or rent, brought here by circumstances i couldn't even begin to weave together in my wildest of imaginations. i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway.
i feel as though i should apologize to anyone who was hoping for yet another recipe review and not this emotional regurgitation, but in my defense, i did post 3 recipe reviews back-to-back-to-back, so it's not as if you're deficient in that area.
i'm going to get ready to call it a night now b/c i'm a bit emotionally exhausted (gee, i wonder why?) and b/c sleep for dessert always wins. see y'all later.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
recipe review: bacon orzo
i'm keeping this review quick because it's almost time for the bears game to start and i still need to finish catching up on the day's emails and maybe work on a few job apps before i have beer for dessert. (what? beer for dessert is totally acceptable, especially when lemon berry shandy is involved.)
but i digress. let's talk about the bacon orzo i made tonight. i resisted the temptation to add more bacon, but if/when i make it again, i might add some garlic. i wound up using about 3/4 cup of reserved cooking liquid, and i probably could've used the whole cup and been fine. we'll see if i regret that decision when i have some of the leftovers for tomorrow's dinner. i made some smoked sausage and broccoli to go along with the orzo, and i also used the rest of the carrots i had on hand to make more of the butter-roasted carrots i reviewed last week. omg those carrots. they're so delicious. i miss them already. you guys should try them. at some point i'm going to make some roasted broccoli and more of those carrots and i will be a happy girl.
but i digress. let's talk about the bacon orzo i made tonight. i resisted the temptation to add more bacon, but if/when i make it again, i might add some garlic. i wound up using about 3/4 cup of reserved cooking liquid, and i probably could've used the whole cup and been fine. we'll see if i regret that decision when i have some of the leftovers for tomorrow's dinner. i made some smoked sausage and broccoli to go along with the orzo, and i also used the rest of the carrots i had on hand to make more of the butter-roasted carrots i reviewed last week. omg those carrots. they're so delicious. i miss them already. you guys should try them. at some point i'm going to make some roasted broccoli and more of those carrots and i will be a happy girl.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
recipe review: italian sausage soup
this weather calls for soup. at least, i'd decided that today's weather called for soup. since my crockpot is still in storage, i needed something that i could make relatively quickly after work when i'm starving and i don't want trail mix or any other snacks (on snacks) b/c i'm focused on dinner and anything else is just going to piss me off.
enter italian sausage soup. i knew i had italian sausage on hand, and chicken broth, and parmesan cheese. i had to go to the store today anyway, so picking up spinach and tomatoes and pasta wasn't much of an issue. i skipped the basil b/c i hate buying fresh herbs when i only need a tablespoon or two.
other changes i made - i used a package of mild pork italian sausage instead of the turkey italian sausage called for b/c that's what i had. i increased the pasta to 1 cup uncooked (this was on sale for 99 cents, so i decided to try it out - i didn't notice a difference in taste compared to traditional pasta, so yay!). as for spinach, i used an entire 9oz bag of regular (vs. baby) spinach.
verdict? nom. i didn't miss the basil at the end, and i didn't add any salt or other seasonings, either. i definitely added grated parmesan cheese, though, b/c cheese is awesome. i found some sourdough bread in the freezer and had a couple of pieces with my soup and i was a happy girl. after 2 bowls, there's still enough left for at least 1-2 meals, depending on how hungry i am. i'd make it again.
enter italian sausage soup. i knew i had italian sausage on hand, and chicken broth, and parmesan cheese. i had to go to the store today anyway, so picking up spinach and tomatoes and pasta wasn't much of an issue. i skipped the basil b/c i hate buying fresh herbs when i only need a tablespoon or two.
other changes i made - i used a package of mild pork italian sausage instead of the turkey italian sausage called for b/c that's what i had. i increased the pasta to 1 cup uncooked (this was on sale for 99 cents, so i decided to try it out - i didn't notice a difference in taste compared to traditional pasta, so yay!). as for spinach, i used an entire 9oz bag of regular (vs. baby) spinach.
verdict? nom. i didn't miss the basil at the end, and i didn't add any salt or other seasonings, either. i definitely added grated parmesan cheese, though, b/c cheese is awesome. i found some sourdough bread in the freezer and had a couple of pieces with my soup and i was a happy girl. after 2 bowls, there's still enough left for at least 1-2 meals, depending on how hungry i am. i'd make it again.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
2 recipes, 1 review post
o hai!
i told y'all that i was going to attempt to try some new (to me) recipes and post them here before the end of the month, and here i am. i actually made 2 new dishes last night for dinner: blackened catfish and butter-roasted carrots.
butter-roasted carrots: the recipe says that there will be no leftovers, and they were right. i started noshing on these after they came out of the oven while the fish finished cooking, and by the time i was ready to clean up the kitchen, the carrots were gone. i used maybe 1/2 a pound of carrots, and substituted seasoned salt for the salt & pepper. i also left them in the oven for about 20 minutes instead of the 15 minutes called for in the recipe, b/c i'm still figuring out how this oven works and wanted to be sure they were tender and not crunchy. i still have 1/2 a pound of carrots left and it's entirely possible i'll make these again within the next few days.
blackened catfish: i felt as though i hadn't made catfish in forever, so i was kinda excited when i went to the store the other day and saw catfish nuggets on sale. instead of the catfish fillets listed, i used about a pound of catfish nuggets. i skipped the lemons because i found this recipe after i'd already gone to the store and i wasn't going back just for one ingredient. longtime readers may be surprised to know that i actually used ground red pepper, given my well-documented aversion to spicy foods, but it actually wasn't that bad. i'd probably make these again. i wonder if i can combine this spice rub with cornmeal and make some sort of oven-baked blackened catfish. yes, i know oven-baked blackened catfish sounds like an oxymoron, but i might try it anyway.
stay tuned for more recipes - i have a couple more picked out that i'm hoping to try w/in the next week or so.
happy hump day! :-)
i told y'all that i was going to attempt to try some new (to me) recipes and post them here before the end of the month, and here i am. i actually made 2 new dishes last night for dinner: blackened catfish and butter-roasted carrots.
butter-roasted carrots: the recipe says that there will be no leftovers, and they were right. i started noshing on these after they came out of the oven while the fish finished cooking, and by the time i was ready to clean up the kitchen, the carrots were gone. i used maybe 1/2 a pound of carrots, and substituted seasoned salt for the salt & pepper. i also left them in the oven for about 20 minutes instead of the 15 minutes called for in the recipe, b/c i'm still figuring out how this oven works and wanted to be sure they were tender and not crunchy. i still have 1/2 a pound of carrots left and it's entirely possible i'll make these again within the next few days.
blackened catfish: i felt as though i hadn't made catfish in forever, so i was kinda excited when i went to the store the other day and saw catfish nuggets on sale. instead of the catfish fillets listed, i used about a pound of catfish nuggets. i skipped the lemons because i found this recipe after i'd already gone to the store and i wasn't going back just for one ingredient. longtime readers may be surprised to know that i actually used ground red pepper, given my well-documented aversion to spicy foods, but it actually wasn't that bad. i'd probably make these again. i wonder if i can combine this spice rub with cornmeal and make some sort of oven-baked blackened catfish. yes, i know oven-baked blackened catfish sounds like an oxymoron, but i might try it anyway.
stay tuned for more recipes - i have a couple more picked out that i'm hoping to try w/in the next week or so.
happy hump day! :-)
Friday, October 05, 2012
living all alone
unlike the late great phyllis hyman, i am more than ok with living all alone. in case you missed it - i moved! i'm still in the suburbs (hint: i am now living in the white-skinned land i mocked all those years ago), but it's an extended housesitting gig. i have the place to myself. no childcare unless i take on a babysitting gig. i made bacon tonight, for fuck's sake! there's wifi and cable and my commute to work is 20 minutes at most. yeah, i'm not back in chicago, but i can think of worse fates than this, so i'm thankful all the same.
yesterday i spent the entire day indoors, with the exception of dragging the trash bins from the curb and refilling the bird feeder. it was wonderful. my phone only rang once so i barely had to talk to anyone and i just got to hang out in the quiet. i missed it so much.
i miss you guys, too. once i have my act together, and once my landlord (for lack of a better term) gives the ok, i'm going to try to have some of y'all over. it won't be sunday fun day (have i mentioned how much i dislike working on sundays during football season? thank god for sunday night & monday night football), but it'll be...something. maybe election night, assuming that i don't have a full-time job by then and can drink myself silly w/o having to worry about getting up the next morning.
my goal is to attempt at least one new recipe and post it here before the month is out. my recipe files keep growing and i just haven't had the time or inclination lately to try anything new. stay tuned.
hope y'all are doing relatively well. :-)
yesterday i spent the entire day indoors, with the exception of dragging the trash bins from the curb and refilling the bird feeder. it was wonderful. my phone only rang once so i barely had to talk to anyone and i just got to hang out in the quiet. i missed it so much.
i miss you guys, too. once i have my act together, and once my landlord (for lack of a better term) gives the ok, i'm going to try to have some of y'all over. it won't be sunday fun day (have i mentioned how much i dislike working on sundays during football season? thank god for sunday night & monday night football), but it'll be...something. maybe election night, assuming that i don't have a full-time job by then and can drink myself silly w/o having to worry about getting up the next morning.
my goal is to attempt at least one new recipe and post it here before the month is out. my recipe files keep growing and i just haven't had the time or inclination lately to try anything new. stay tuned.
hope y'all are doing relatively well. :-)
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