on: "a little life"

"You won't understand what I mean now, but someday you will: the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are -- not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving -- and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad -- or good -- it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well."

almost every book i read, and have read for at least the past 5-6 years, has come from a library. once in a while, i'll come across a book that i really love and will decide to add it to my personal collection. those are usually nonfiction or poetry titles, though.

"a little life" by hanya yanagihara is one of the best novels i've read in a long time. even before i finished it, i knew i'd want to re-read it. i want a copy of my own so i can highlight passages and maybe write some additional blog posts or journal entries about it.

this book made me cry at least twice and there are so many little gems, like the opening passage of this post, that i want to revisit and it is so well-written (in my opinion - obviously your mileage may vary) and i can't stop thinking about it. no, really. it's that good.

i think part of the novel's appeal for me is its focus on friendships and how much of ourselves we give and reveal and conceal and forgive of those we hold near and dear to our hearts. if you've been reading the blog for a while, then you know that this subject is an ongoing area of focus for me. i'm sure that's part of why "a little life" resonated so much with me. the conversations that these characters both on their own and as a collective are conversations that i've had with myself and with other people. how do we maneuver this world without losing ourselves? i don't have the answer to that one, but i'm glad this novel can help explore the question.

on: not expecting reciprocity

(now playing: lauryn hill's "ex-factor")

i was talking with a friend of mine a few nights ago and they asked me why i do the things i do for the people i care about, even when it may be obvious that i won't necessarily receive a similar level of consideration.

my response went something like this: "i don't do things like that because i'm expecting the other party(ies) to reciprocate. i do those things because it's the right thing to do."

i've been mulling that over ever since and it still holds true. something in my spirit or in my gut or some combination thereof will tell me to send that text or write that email or pick up that "just because" gift or send that quickpay or whatever and i am trying to be better about going with that feeling. would it be nice if i got that same kind of consideration in return? absolutely. as i tried to explain to my friend, though, that's not why i do these things.

never mind that the theory of reciprocity basically tells us that yes, we should expect a certain level of behavior or treatment in exchange for how we behave towards or treat others. i think once i started leaning in (and i typed that with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek) to this whole empath/caregiver role, a part of me realized that yes, this will be somewhat thankless work and yes, there would be times when i'd pay any amount of $ i could get my hands on to receive some sort of acknowledgment for it but no, that's not why i'm here. if i had to wait for these things to come back to me in some fashion, i'd never get anything done. i'm not always ok with it, but i accept it.

i saw this earlier and it kinda solidified my position a bit. i don't want to live a life where there are strings attached to my generosity. i need to be able to give of myself without worrying about if/how/when it's going to come back to me. i need to trust the process, which i swear is so much easier said than done. maybe that's part of the ongoing lesson(s) that god/the universe is trying to teach me.