on: not remembering

i was hanging out with some friends last night and the conversation turned to marvin gaye, which was appropriate, given that yesterday was the anniversary of his death. we were trying to remember how our families reacted to the news of gaye's death, given that we were a bit too young to fully grasp what was happening at the time.

it didn't occur to me right away, but as the night progressed, i realized that the reason i couldn't really remember marvin gaye's death or how anyone around me would have reacted to it was because it would've happened exactly one month after my mother died. 7 year old me probably would've chalked up any crying or sadness as ongoing/residual from the previous month's events. my father would've been focused on figuring out how i was going to get to/from school since his work day started before my school day. i wonder if/how daddy was able to mourn, knowing he still had me and james (who was 21 at the time but still living at home) to be responsible for. if gaye's death would've just been one more thing for him to deal with on top of navigating a new reality that didn't have my mother in it.

to be honest, there's not much i remember after my mother's funeral. i do remember the letter my 2nd grade teacher wrote for our class at the end of the school year - her closing note to me was to have a great summer, work on my math facts, and keep up the good work with my reading. math is still not my strong suit and i have no idea what i did that summer (visits to st. louis and/or mississippi, maybe?), but obviously the reading thing kinda stuck. 😛

so, yeah. i have no idea where i was on april 1, 1984. google says it was a sunday, so i'm sure i went to church that morning, but i could not tell you how the rest of the day went. i wonder if james and/or daddy took a few minutes to mourn in private so i wouldn't see them sad or upset or ask them to explain yet another death. i wonder if they would've even felt comfortable enough doing so. i'd like to think so, but who knows?