[tw: stalkers; harassment; panic attacks; why are men?]
it's wednesday. your morning didn't go as planned but you still managed to get to work earlier than normal, only to be met by emails from people who couldn't be bothered to update their calendars, let alone look at yours, before making requests that had you gritting your teeth and acquiescing to breaking your friday rule. it's fine. everything is fine. you'll power through the workday because past you bought a ticket to a bourbon tasting and you know current you will have a good time. you being you, you power through the workday even though one of your new projects is giving you fits and you're not sure if you even know enough about the subject matter at hand to get through the initial phases without asking for help. it's fine. everything is fine.
you grab dinner within walking distance of your bourbon tasting. you pull out the book you've been reading and decide to get a few more pages in while you eat. no big deal. your bags are secured, you've scanned the perimeter, you know you have time to actually enjoy your meal before you need to head out...everything is fine.
until it wasn't fine. until you looked up and saw him. you haven't seen him in damn near 10 years, if not longer, but you'd know that face anywhere even if you can't remember his name. you can't remember his name. you know you could text at least two different people, neither of whom you've corresponded with recently, and they'd get it, even if they couldn't remember his name either.
he's a former (?) patron at your former library employer. he's the one that tried to make your life miserable, but he didn't know that you'd already begun climbing out of the misery that was your life in the early to mid 2010s and therefore had very little time/patience/energy/fucks to give about whatever he was trying to do. he then moved on to one of your younger teammates, who also had very few fucks to give about whatever he was trying to do.
that didn't stop him, though. and why would it? he was "a professor." people "knew" him. he "knew" people. how dare you, and your teammate, not want to engage him in conversation beyond the basic necessities?
but you didn't. and your teammate didn't. you were both creeped out enough to escalate the situation. you both followed protocol.
he didn't. he asked when your teammate was working and got offended when everyone played dumb. he left notes. he'd try to get other departments involved in the hopes that someone would command your teammate to respond to him. he'd wander around the library to the point where you and other teammates instituted a buddy system so your teammate had a shadow for what seemed to be the entirety of their shifts. the protocol finally did what needed to be done and he was banned. we breathed a little easier.
but then you saw him tonight, for the first time in...a decade? maybe more? who's counting?
you're counting. you're counting your breaths because suddenly you've forgotten how to inhale and exhale like a normal person.
you'd know that face anywhere. you scan the area. you remind yourself that you're in walking distance of your upcoming bourbon tasting and you know people there and if you really need backup, you could pick out a couple two tree people, maybe more, to help you out. your brain, god(dess) bless it, is doing an admirable job of keeping it together.
your body, on the other hand? PANIC. your chest gets tight. you're not sure if your dinner is going to stay down. it does, thankfully, but you definitely have to remind yourself where the nearest bathroom is located just in case.
but then your brain betrays you because, well, it's your brain and it's an asshole.
remember undergrad? that time when someone approached you and, realizing you were still with your high school boyfriend, decided to move on to one of your friends? and then that went real bad real quick, to the point where even though your friend followed protocol and reported it, you and some other friends took turns sleeping in/outside your friend's dorm room because if he decided to approach them again, he was gonna have to go through at least one of us first?
you felt so guilty because if you'd only entertained him, he wouldn't had stalked your friend. if you'd only entertained that library patron, he wouldn't have moved on to your teammate. you know none of this is logical, but your brain is really leaning into being an asshole.
meanwhile, you look around again and realize that he's gone. he probably didn't even see you and if he didn't, he probably didn't recognize you.
try telling that to your brain and your body, both of which have gone into full "get the fuck out of here not now but right the fuck now" mode. so you do. you pack up. you repeat to yourself that you can walk to the location of your tasting, you can order a drink, you can try to take some deep breaths, you can identify a staff member and/or fellow tasting attendee if you're really concerned about him following you, and you tell yourself that if it's too much, you can nope right on out of there and go home.
but you don't know how to articulate any of that. you look at your text messages and realize that you don't even know who, if anyone, knows enough of the backstory for you to be able to text them without having to explain, because you know the backstory will be enough to send you back into panic mode and you're really not trying to go there.
so you get to the tasting location. you order a drink. you say hello to some familiar faces. you engage in conversation. you power through the tasting. it's fine. everything's fine...but you know it's not fine.
you know who you saw. how he made you feel, even all these years later. you know how your brain spiraled. you know your next therapy session is gonna be a doozy because you're not sure you've ever discussed him with your therapist and there's clearly some shit to unpack because why is he effecting you like this?
but then you breathe. you clocked him but he didn't seem to clock you. he looked way worse than the last time you saw him and you know you look way better. vanity, yes, but fuck it. you deserve.
you deserve. you deserve so much more. so much better. so much greater than what your asshole brain could even conjure.
you're no longer in touch with that friend from undergrad, but they also deserve better. so does your former teammate. you all deserve better.
we all deserve better. even in the midst of chaos. even when our brains are trash. we deserve so much better. let's go get it.
