i do not want to be called resilient as a compliment. there is nothing complimentary about being resilient when you've had to develop that skill out of sheer necessity.
resiliency is part of the mask i wear. of course everything is fine. no, i'm not in a perpetual state of anxiety that some fucknut or group of fucknuts is going to ruin my life or the lives of people i care about.
i'm not wondering how freeing it might be to just be out here in the world without worrying if i'm too loud or too meek or too aggressive or too large or not the right kind of large or too educated or not educated enough or too other or not other enough. not contemplating what it would be like to just take up space without having to worry about any potential consequences.
i'm not fighting a daily battle against the constant assault on my humanity. not concerned about being seen as less than when i know good and goddamn well that i can outshine some of these people even when i'm at my most mediocre.
i'm not trying to hold on to the truth that i and the people who look like me are capable of more than even we ourselves can imagine. why would i do that? of course things are horrible everywhere but that has nothing to do with me, right?
wrong.
this mask is heavy as fuck and the shit is exhausting. can there be any honor in resiliency when the alternatives, assuming any exist, are bleak and/or out of reach?
don't tell me i'm taking everything in stride and doing so well and that you'd never be able to cope like i have. of course you'd never be able to. you've never had to.
of course i make it look easy. my survival depends on it.
it doesn't hurt me any less, though. if anything, the pain lingers because i know the hits are gonna keep on coming.
