85

my father would've been 85 years old today. if you've been around for a while, then you know that his birthday tends to be a rough day for me. hell, this stretch of february through mid-march does a number on me every year, what with all of the death anniversaries and birthdays and accompanying feels. my therapist actually brought it up a couple of sessions ago, and i realized that i'd been so busy and so focused on getting through january (seriously, january was like the longest month ever for a lot of us, right?) that i hadn't even turned my attention to february and march.

but here we are. daddy would've been 85 today. the last time i saw him alive was on this date 21 years ago. holy shit. does that count as a lifetime ago? sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, and there are other moments where the pain still feels as fresh as i did when i got the call that he was dead.

i try not to dwell on how my life would be different if he was still alive. instead, i wonder if he'd be proud of me. if he'd support the decisions i've made along the way, even if he didn't understand them. i like to think he would. that he'd realize that he gave me the tools to navigate through life and how to adjust when things didn't go quite according to plan.

i hope he knows that. if heaven exists, i hope he knows that he did the best he could and that i'm doing the best i can.

i wish this for all of you, really. that the people you care about - family, parents, friends, role models - know that you are doing the best you can with what you have. and if you don't feel like you're doing the best you can, that's ok, too. doing the work is hard work sometimes, but we keep trying. that's the victory in it, i think: that we keep trying.

#attitudeofgratitude, valentine's day edition

hey, remember back in 2012 when i was absolutely miserable on valentine's day? god, that was awful. i'm writing this in my own apartment, on my new laptop that i purchased about 2 weeks ago with my work bonus. my candy bowl is pretty well stocked at the moment, even though it's the day before payday. hell, there was enough money left in my account for me to splurge on getting dinner delivered tonight. i actually did my taxes while i was waiting on said food delivery and finished right before my food arrived, so yay for that.

don't get me wrong. there is still a lot going on that needs to be fixed or even addressed, given that i'm writing this mere hours after yet another school shooting. i know i can't fix everything and/or everyone, but i can at least give thanks for the little bit of good i'm experiencing at any particular time. i think that helps when i'm feeling bombarded by/with all of the feelings.

3 years later...

lori died 3 years ago today. it still hurts. a lot. so much has changed and so much has happened and not being able to pick up the phone and call her about it sucks. i went back in the archives and reread what i wrote after her funeral and i still stand by it. if heaven exists, i hope auntie lori's there having the best time possible.

recipe review: cranberry-balsamic chicken thighs

if you're like me, you rarely think about cooking with cranberries until the holiday season. even then, i don't usually make cranberry sauce because i can honestly take it or leave it most of the time. kinda odd, then, that this recipe struck enough of a chord for me to add it to my files and make it for dinner a few nights ago. it may have also helped that the only ingredient i needed to buy was the cranberries (i used frozen ones that i thawed in the fridge).

i used about a 1/4 teaspoon of dried thyme instead of fresh, and eyeballed the salt and pepper as usual. not sure if i'd make this one again, to be honest. it wasn't bad, but i felt like it needed something. maybe some garlic? i know - for once, i didn't add any garlic to a recipe and that may have been the game changer. i still have 1/2 a bag of frozen cranberries left, along with some more chicken thighs, so unless i figure out something else out to do with the cranberries, i may end up making this again after all.

recipe review: sausage and sweet pepper hash

whole foods had various flavors of organic chicken sausage on sale a few weeks ago, so i bought a few to keep in the freezer. one of the flavors just happened to be chicken & apple, so when i came across this recipe, i realized i could make it for weekday breakfasts.

i used about a 1/2 teaspoon each of dried thyme and dried tarragon, because i wasn't interested in buying whole packages of fresh herbs when i only needed a couple teaspoons of each. i also added about a 1/2 teaspoon each of kosher salt and garlic powder, because i found the omission of both of those ingredients to be a bit odd.

i used the high setting because i was making it on a saturday night while doing laundry and i wanted to be able to put everything away before i went to bed. if i make this again, i'd adjust the timing once the peppers go in, because mine were still a bit on the crunchy side after the allotted 15 minutes. that, or i'd add the peppers a bit earlier so the potatoes don't turn into complete mush.

on: powering through, maintaining, being resilient, etc.

one of the things i have been trying to work on with regards to managing my anxiety is focusing on the things i can actually control. there will always be things out there that scare me. that i can't do anything about. that i can't fix. it's ok to acknowledge those things as they, more frequently than i would like, pop up.

the goal, though, is to continue doing what i can, where i can, and how i can. sometimes, it's doing enough meal prep to not have to think about food options for a few days. or writing my elected officials and/or other politicians/decision makers about my thoughts on an issue. or making donations, however small, to causes and organizations i trust and believe in so i can support their work.

sometimes it feels like i'm not doing enough. like i'm not being a good enough friend. like i'm not contributing enough or being supportive enough or communicative enough or peacefully silent enough. i can recognize that this can be a function of my anxiety playing tricks on me - that whatever i do won't be good enough and therefore i should just shut down and do nothing - but holy fuck is it an ever-constant battle.

i don't necessarily want to peel back all of the layers and let y'all see all the messiness in all of its glory. that's part of what therapy is for, right? 😀

but part of the deal i made after my last bout with suicidal thoughts was to open up. to admit when shit wasn't sweet. not that i always do this, mind you, but i'm trying to be better about it.

looking back, i'm not quite sure how i got through the 2nd half of 2017 as (relatively) well as i did. that whole moving twice in 6 months and having to convince myself that yes, i could take these steps and continue reestablishing myself just about broke me. i still can't believe i didn't plan anything for my birthday. i was tired and overwhelmed and the part of my brain that deals with logistics and planning was just like "NOPE" and i had to go with that. plus work kicked my ass during those past 6-8 months and since so much of what i do depends on logistics and planning and project management, i had to stay focused on that to make sure i had a job that would pay the rent and not have me feeling like i'd gotten in over my head.

anxiety is weird like that, y'know? it can make you forget that you're capable of setting goals and achieving them. at some point last year, i said i wanted my work bonus to be enough so i could get a new laptop. not only will that bonus be sufficient, even after taxes, but the raise that came with it means that i am still making more than i ever have in my career to date and that my efforts haven't been in vain.

it'd be easy to say that this is all possible because i did the work. let's be clear about all of the work that entails, though. it's about somehow finding the energy to do my job on those days when i just wanted to stay home and sleep. or cry. or both. having to remind myself that rent had been paid and i wasn't on the verge of eviction (real talk: i still occasionally look around this apartment - as i did in the last one - in disbelief that it's mine and i'm fiscally responsible enough to keep it). reminding myself that i had the space, both physical and mental but more so physical, to come home and do whatever i wanted or needed to get me through to the next days. of having days of powering through my anxiety and realizing i shouldn't have pushed as hard. of trying to honor when a part of me said i needed to sit down and stop doing all of the things. (i still fuck this one up. a lot.) of feeling so much emotional pain because so many people i care about are going through so many things and not really know what else to do but to get up and go to work. of sneaking off to the bathroom to cry because the anxiety was too much but i couldn't go home because fuck letting anxiety win that day.

and here i am. a whole entire brand new year staring me in the face. i don't have any resolutions per se. i want to keep doing what i can, where i can, and how i can. i want to continue meeting people where they are and, if circumstances dictate, leave them there. i want to keep going, not necessarily out of optimism but sheer stubbornness because i know there's more and i want to be a part of it somehow. i want to keep weeping both when my friends do well and when things go wrong for them. i want to make sure that all of this work hasn't been in vain.

amen.

recipe reviews: turkey tenders and proscuitto-wrapped pork with sweet potatoes and pears

these recipes jumped out at me when i was attempting to come up with ideas for things to cook once i got back in town, and i made both of them friday night as meal prep for this week.

the tenderloin i bought for the turkey tenders was about 1.25 pounds and was already separated into two pieces. i didn't get 20 slices out of it because i wasn't really measuring the pieces that closely. i had eggs on hand so i used 2 beaten eggs with maybe a tablespoon of water instead of the egg substitute. i used a mixture of garlic powder and kosher salt since i didn't have garlic salt. since the turkey pieces wound up on the large side, i cooked them a bit longer both on the stove top and in the oven - maybe 3-4 minutes per side on the stove and 8-10 minutes per side in the oven - to make sure they were cooked through. i've been using these as part of my breakfast with whatever side dishes may be in the fridge and i would totally make it again.

i had a couple of pork tenderloins in the freezer already and i have been trying to figure out how i feel about pears since i don't eat them that often, so trying this dish out seemed like a no-brainer. also i love sweet potatoes and prosciutto, so why not? i bought the pears a few days before i made this and they were no longer firm, which made cutting and baking them a bit of a challenge. definitely use firm pears for this one, folks. i think i set the timer for 25 minutes once i added the pork tenderloin and it came out damn near perfect. this has been my dinner for the past couple of nights (i added a salad tonight because i felt like i needed a salad in my life, lol) and if i can't think of anything to do with the remaining pork tenderloin in the freezer, i might break this back out.

recipe review: orecchiette with bacon, black-eyed peas, and spinach

merry new year!

i spent the last few days of 2017 (and the 1st day of 2018) out of town hanging out with friends and drinking wine. and beer. and whiskey. i think a moscow mule may have also been consumed at some point. hey, i was on vacation and i didn't have to worry about transportation, so all bets may have been off. yes, more than normal. don't judge me.

before i left, i spent a little time going through recipes to figure out what i wanted to make once i got back in town. i'm not always around or able to eat collards and black-eyed peas as my first meal of the new year, so i've adapted the tradition so that the first meal i actually cook in the new year involves those 2 ingredients somehow. i also try to make a new (to me) recipe every year, which has nothing to do with tradition and everything to do with continuing my way through the hundreds of recipes i've amassed.

when i came across this recipe in my files, i knew i could adapt it for my purposes. i bought a 16oz bag of frozen collard greens before my trip, because i figured finding fresh collards upon my return might be difficult, plus the thought of cleaning said greens was more than i could handle after a long train trip and work and unpacking and everything else. i probably should've picked up some frozen black-eyed peas while i was at it, since there were no frozen or canned peas to be found at jewel yesterday. i did find some "quick cooking" black-eyed peas in the produce section that promised to be ready in less than 15 minutes, so i went with a pack of those. i think the package was 12oz, maybe? i did a quick sort and followed the directions and sure enough, the peas were ready as promised.

if you know me, then you know that following a recipe's directions for garlic is not something i normally do. this one called for 1 large garlic clove, thinly sliced. i used 3 garlic cloves that i minced in my garlic press instead and cooked them with the cayenne pepper (maybe a 1/4 teaspoon instead of the 1/2 teaspoon? i can't remember right now) for maybe a minute or so until the garlic smelled delicious and had gotten a bit golden brown.

i added approximately half the bag of collards (which i'd taken out to thaw while boiling the water for both the peas and the pasta) and added them to the pasta about halfway through the cooking time. i wound up stirring the cooked bacon into the pasta mixture, since i was planning on refrigerating all of it vs. serving it immediately.

i brought some for lunch today with some italian cheese blend i'd sprinkled on right before i covered and put everything away, and i was a very happy camper. i'll have another serving for lunch before the week is out and then decide if i can try to freeze it for future use. there's no real sauce per se so i don't know how the pasta will hold up, so i may not freeze all of it immediately.

'twas the night before my birthday...

...and i have absolutely nothing officially planned.

i know. i can't believe it either. i really think moving again broke my brain in a way that i just could not deal with any more logistics or planning or checklists. just thinking about organizing something was enough to send my anxiety levels sky-high, so for once i decided to listen to myself and not force anything. it's a bit weird, because y'all know there is usually an itinerary a mile long posted here with all of the events i'm attending and brunch plans and bar hopping and all of that, but not this year. the celebration, such as it is, will probably still go through mlk day because that's just how i roll.

the move went well, btw. the aforementioned anxiety led to my packing way more than i'd planned to, especially since my estimate was for the movers to pack and move everything because why the hell not if i was getting reimbursed for it? i did have them pack the kitchen stuff, though, but that was about it. they finished in less than 3 hours and my final amount was about half of the original estimate, so yay. i still can't believe i got everything unpacked that afternoon and made it to city winery for a concert that night.

i am slowly getting accustomed to this new space, though. the kitchen's big enough to fit my table and chairs (and the table just happens to coordinate with the kitchen counters, which is hilarious to me) and i have a dishwasher and built-in microwave and a gas stove, praise black jesus, because the electric stove at the old place gave me the occasional fit. i need to figure out some sort of living room seating at some point, but the way my bookcases and the tv are currently set up are appealing to me right now so who knows? shouts to built-in shelving in the living room so i can display my diplomas and some art and other random things i'd had packed away. oh, and the bathroom's new and not pink (if you saw the old one, then you understand), which is great.

it occurred to me this morning that this will be the first birthday i've spent in my own apartment since 2010. that almost induced the ugly crying that my therapist and i keep saying i'm going to indulge in at some point when i look over the events of 2017. that crying jag might still happen whenever i wake up tomorrow. who knows? there's a bottle of expensive scotch (and a couple of bottles of not so expensive stuff) on the counter waiting for me, and the bears were nice enough to lose today so i don't have to worry about watching them be pathetic tomorrow (thank you, scheduling gods), and holy shit i'll be 41 tomorrow. i have no idea what the coming year is going to bring, and part of me is amazed that i'm still around to witness whatever happens, so cheers to that.

recipe reviews: fish house sweet potato hash and apricot glazed bacon wrapped pork tenderloin

quasi-landlord emailed me this pork tenderloin recipe with a note saying that she had an extra jar of apricot preserves that i could have whenever i was ready to try this out. she also had some cajun seasoning that one of us had bought for a different recipe, but she didn't like it as much as some other brand she had so the seasoning came home with me. i had dijon mustard on hand but it wasn't the grainy kind, because jewel was out of small jars of grainy dijon and i wasn't about to go traipsing hither and yon for something that i only needed a tablespoon of for this recipe. i used a 12-inch cast iron skillet and i think i'd have better results on a gas stove and/or if i wasn't cooking a few other things while this was on the stove top. the flavors are great, but the bacon wasn't as brown/crispy as i thought it should be. i'd make it again if i happen to catch pork tenderloin on sale or just had one in the freezer that i wanted to make use of.

i overbaked the sweet potatoes for this hash, which was annoying because the resulting texture wasn't really what i wanted. i probably should've checked the potatoes after 40 minutes or so in the oven, but in my defense, the potatoes i had were kinda large and so i figured they'd need the full hour. oops. i used 1/2 teaspoon each of dried thyme and sage because no way was i buying fresh herbs when i only needed a teaspoon or two of them. the garlic cloves i had were on the large side, so i only used 2. this is a great side dish and i would make it again, keeping an eye on the sweet potatoes as they're baking so they're still kinda firm.

sad sunday into melancholy monday

o hai, it me, still recovering emotionally from yesterday's church shooting. i'm glad i was at home when the news broke, so i could just go back to bed and cry for a bit after i did a mini-thread on twitter, because i'm not sure i could've handled being out in public and trying to hold it together. as it was, i wound up at a couple of my regular haunts in the evening and definitely wasn't feeling my usual sunday funday self. i totally woke up around 3am today because i was having a nightmare. it was frustrating because i knew when i went to bed that i was feeling more susceptible than usual to nightmarish thoughts thanks to the shooting, but i couldn't get my brain to skip over them so i could try to rest. luckily, it's been relatively quiet at work (where i wrote this originally) today so i can continue trying to get my shit together.

during my last visit, i told my therapist that i am trying to be better about focusing on the things i can actually control. there's no off switch i can flip for my empathy, but i can try to hone in on actionable things, be they big or small, that i can actually do something about. it doesn't always work and my anxiety is still on a trillion, but sometimes it helps me if i can cross off one or two things that i have some say over.

i also told her that i still find myself wishing for some semblance of normalcy in my life. that it feels like nothing in the past decade or so has really gone the way i thought it would. that i'm really frustrated by how little control i have over some things and the things i can actually control don't play out the way i want them to or think they should and then i find myself wondering why i even bother.

like the whole moving back into my own place thing. some of y'all know that my apartment building was sold, unbeknownst to me, as i signed a lease and started moving in back in june. the now-current management company told me upfront that my lease wouldn't be renewed in the spring, and then made a paltry offer if i decided to break my lease and move by, say, october. to my credit, i didn't laugh in their faces (seriously, the initial offer was ridiculous and wouldn't have covered nearly enough of my moving expenses).

a few weeks ago, i ran into some of the management staff on my day off and found out that the construction they'd already started on some of the vacant units was going to be ramped up after the end of november. keep in mind that my lease runs through may 2018. i still wasn't all that worried - i work monday-friday from 9-5(ish) so if the construction's happening during the day, i didn't think it'd be all that inconvenient. "but there'll be water shutoffs, and power outages, and we can't guarantee that everything will be working every night when you get home."

then they brought up a potential lease buyout and moving assistance, which was closer to what i wanted to hear if they really wanted me to move before the end of my lease. what nailed it for me was hearing that i would be the last tenant standing, so to speak, after the end of november. we all know that i'm the queen of the universe and have a tough demeanor and all, but nothing about being the only person living in a building where contractors and other folks i don't know are going to be in and out sat well with me. it still doesn't, to be honest. it's like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up whenever i think about it.

so the apartment search has begun, again, and i am getting annoyed with listings that don't provide address information (not even cross streets!) or photos, again, and my anxiety is back through the roof again because what if these new management companies take a look at my credit and laugh themselves silly while pocketing my application fees?

i'm trying to stay focused, though. i went on a few showings this weekend and found one in my current neighborhood and budget that doesn't suck. i am still hammering out the details of this move-out agreement with my current management company because if i'm going to move for the 2nd time in 6 months, i want them to shoulder as much of the financial and logistical brunt of it as possible. of course some intriguing units are popping up in my old neighborhood now that i've been spoiled by my shorter work commute, so i may check one or two of them out just to see if they're viable.

part of me can't help but to laugh at all of this, because why would anything in my life proceed normally and according to plan. i visited quasi-landlord a couple of weeks ago because i was totally freaking out and i knew she could help me see reason or at least help me start thinking about things in a rational way. she helped me clarify what i want, what i'm willing to work with/accept, and, god bless her, offered to take me back in if this current plan doesn't work out so i can save money and move back out in the springs when there are more listings to choose from. i don't plan on that happening, but i really do love her for making the offer.

i keep saying to myself, and to my therapist, and to the friends i've talked to off-line about this, that things will work out because they have to. i may not have the how or when nailed down yet, but they are going to work out because there's no choice. i am going to make things work out because i really don't know any other way to operate. sometimes, i really wish there was another way for me to function, though. maybe i wouldn't be as anxious or feel like i have to keep everything moving because the alternative is to fall flat on my face.

recipe reviews: curried chicken stew and sausage-and-potato pan roast

i knew i had a relatively empty schedule saturday morning/afternoon, so it was a perfect time for me to get a bit of meal prep done for the coming week. for breakfast, i revisited off this sausage & cheese scramble recipe that i've made off and on for years. i had two entrees in mind for lunch and dinner. this curried chicken stew was dinner for tonight and will likely be dinner for the rest of the week. i skipped all the garnishes and i think i'd add a bit more coconut milk if i made this again. i have a 4 quart crockpot and set it for 4 hours on high, turning everything off after about 3.5 hours. oh, and i seasoned the chicken with salt and pepper before browning it, and added a minced garlic clove to the carrots & onion.

the sausage and potato pan roast will probably be used for lunches this week. i had a few bites yesterday and tonight and i like where the flavors are going. i didn't have any lemons on hand but i did have a lime, so i used that instead. i opted to peel the shallots instead of leaving them unpeeled as directed by the recipe, because i didn't want to have to worry about peeling them after the fact.

recy taylor is still alive

(TW: rape)

every year, i say i'm going to be better about planning my chicago international film fest schedule, and every year, the fest sneaks up on me and i feel like i have to scramble to get tickets for the films i really want to see.

"the rape of recy taylor" was one of the films on my list for this year. i no longer remember who recommended "at the dark end of the street" to me, but i remember reading it and being fascinated. here was rosa parks, years before the bus boycott, working to help fellow black women get justice in an environment that couldn't even fathom such a thing for such a people. and here was recy, daring to stand up and speak up about what had happened to her, consequences be damned.

needless to say, i was in tears within the first 10 minutes of the movie. sadness, yes, but also anger. knowing that so many of us are still dealing with and healing from all kinds of trauma. that shit like this still happens with what feels like impunity. that no one believes us when we say "this is a thing that happened to me." i caught myself on the verge of kicking the chair in front of me, which i hadn't done since i watched "fruitvale station" in the theater and cried so much that i gave myself a migraine.

but then.

y'all.

recy taylor is still alive.

at the end of the film, we see and hear from recy directly and i am getting weepy just typing about it right now. i remember thinking to myself that i'd just managed to pull it together and then recy comes on screen and holy waterworks, batman. i apparently had cried so much during the movie that, on our way out, a woman nearby asked if i was going to be ok. i'm sure my eyes were red and my face was all blotchy. i wound up taking a lyft home from the theater because i was emotionally drained and i wasn't sure i could make it home on public transit. i think i wound up going to bed insanely early that night, too.

worth it, though.

and then this piece from bitch landed in my inbox this morning. i saw "marshall" (for free!) a week before it opened in theaters, thanks to a screening hosted by my employer, and a lot of the thoughts/feelings i had about the movie are addressed in that essay.

this is what happens when you read a lot, i suppose. at the "marshall" screening, i was surrounded by people who admitted that they didn't know much about thurgood marshall. i was at an advantage because i'd read this biography which, if memory serves, mentions the case that the movie focuses on. i could totally be wrong about that, but i remember watching the movie in a "well, of course this is what happens" kind of way. people left the screening waxing poetic about how much they'd learned and i felt like maybe i wasn't the target demographic for the movie, lol. absurd, of course, given that the director and producer were in my employer's nyc office urging all of us to take our book clubs and sororities and church groups and families and friends to see the movie when it opened. (i didn't, obviously. my review can be summed up like this: i'm glad i saw it for free.)

i suppose this could be chalked up to the difference between a documentary and a mainstream feature, maybe. that maybe there's more room in documentaries to flesh out stories that need to be told, even if your audience has read or is at least familiar with the source material.

speaking of documentaries: please plan on watching "sighted eyes/feeling heart" when it airs on pbs next year. i've seen three movies at the international film festival and this lorraine hansberry doc is my favorite so far. also i realized that i still get emotional when i see ruby dee and/or ossie davis on screen. sigh.

recipe review: meal prep edition

around this time last saturday, give/take a couple of hours, i was sitting down at the table after spending 2 hours in the kitchen prepping food for the coming week. it paid off because i didn't have to cook anything and i still have a little bit of food left that i will probably use for breakfast early next week. here's what i made:

i'm kinda obsessed with these mini frittatas. you might remember that after i made them the first time, i said that i'd try them again with pancetta and possibly some red bell pepper, and that's what i did. a 1/4 lb. of diced pancetta, 1 red bell pepper, and some shredded mozzarella and parmesan cheeses. i think i should've used a bit more black pepper, but otherwise i was happy. next time around, i may try them with some bacon sausage and broccoli or some other vegetable. maybe mushrooms? i dunno. i know i had breakfast set for the week and it was nice to not worry about what i was going to eat first thing in the morning.

next up was a roasted sweet potato and black bean salad. i used a spinach and arugula blend for the salad greens and this was my lunch all week. there were a couple of days when i went down to the cafeteria at work and bought some diced chicken and/or turkey because i felt like i needed some additional protein. i'd probably scale back on the mint because it got to be a bit overwhelming for me.

i found a recipe for maple-glazed chicken from this cookbook and realized i hadn't made it in ages, if ever, so this also happened. again, i'd scale back on the mint (or use basil instead). i think my chicken pieces were too large, so i'd probably adjust that as well. 

i'd never cooked with escarole before i made this, so i had no idea how much the escarole would shrink/wilt - it's like spinach in that regard. i may try a variation of it with collard greens for my new year's day* meal. this is the dish that i still have a little bit of in the fridge that will probably be re-purposed for breakfast/lunch next week.

earlier in the day, i'd made a batch of this punch with "regular" orange juice and had it with sparkling cider. i'd definitely try it again with sparkling wine.

i was exhausted by the time i was done cooking and cleaning, but in my defense, i'd been up since 6am and was running on fumes anyway. this past week was super busy and it definitely worked in my favor to not have to worry about what i wanted to eat, except for sunday when i wound up stopping for food because i didn't want anything i'd made the night before. :P

my dear miss sharon jones

i haven't been feeling 100% lately. i've been in and out of migraine hell since friday, and my brain keeps doing that thing where i have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS about subjects that i don't really need to ponder all that much and then i can't focus on what really needs my attention. this morning, i woke up out of a nightmare around 5am and felt another headache coming on. if that wasn't bad enough, said nightmare sent me down a mental rabbit hole of things that happened back when i was in high school and led to a slew of anti-epiphanies. this is not an optimal way to start a morning, let me tell you. i really could've used that time to sleep, instead of tossing and turning and trying to get my brain to settle down.

needless to say, being at work today was challenging, especially since i have a giant project going into production tomorrow and therefore it's been a lot of emails and calls and IMs and feeling like i'm juggling 5011 balls in the air while simultaneously herding 5011 cats.

i got back to my desk after a meeting this morning and decided to catch up on instagram before i settled back into work. this post about sharon jones' forthcoming album broke me. i didn't actually cry at my desk, but i came pretty damn close. i did the math on the release date and realized the album will be out right before thanksgiving, which means i can spend the holiday eating and drinking my feelings with this as my soundtrack. is it weird that i'm looking forward to having time off around thanksgiving because i may just decide to veg out the whole time? no? good.

recipe review: broccoli and bacon muffin tin frittatas

i like having breakfast in the morning. i don't necessarily like making breakfast in the morning, but i like eating it. i don't always want to spend money on breakfast before heading to work, either, so that means i'm either having leftovers or something else on hand for breakfast.

this recipe appealed to me because i love broccoli and bacon and hell yeah i can have breakfast on hand for a few days and not have to think about it . sign me up! i had frozen organic broccoli florets on hand, so i pulled out a 16oz bag of those and thawed them in the fridge overnight. i had a triple cheddar blend in the fridge along with a bit of gouda, so i used both because cheese is delicious.

i'm already thinking of making these again, but maybe with pancetta instead of bacon. not sure what veggie(s) i'm going to use yet, but i'll think of something.

recipe review: slow-cooker kielbasa and white bean cassoulet

i think i'd put this recipe in one of my "try making this soon" piles because i knew i had smoked sausage in the freezer that i could use in place of the kielbasa. i used great northern beans because those were the only dried white beans available at jewel when i went. i sorted and rinsed the beans before they went into the pot. i think i used 3 cloves of garlic instead of 2, and i used about a 1/2 teaspoon of dried thyme because the hell with buying fresh thyme if i only need 2 teaspoons of it. i set the slow cooker for 7 hours on low and hot damn did those beans come out perfectly tender. i'm sure i'll revisit this later in the fall or winter.

recipe review: thai turkey lettuce cups

i had a pound of ground turkey in the freezer that, i swear, was starting to openly mock me every time i looked at it. i didn't want to make pasta sauce with it, or meatballs, or any of the usual ideas, but inspiration was not all that forthcoming.

then i started reading the latest issue of cooking light, saw this recipe, and decided i could skip the lettuce cups part and just make the turkey and sauce mixture because i knew i already had everything i needed on hand! it turned out, though, that i only have dark brown sugar and not light brown sugar, but i wasn't going to let that stop me.

i am so making this again. i'm sure it'd be great with ground chicken as well. i ate it with steamed veggies and some brown rice and was quite pleased. it'll probably be a good meal to make for weekday lunches as well, either with veggies and/or rice or as a topping/added protein for a salad.

recipe review: sausage and kale stew with olive oil mashed potatoes

i'd had my eye on this recipe for a while, actually. once i remembered that i had a pound of "ground"/"loose" italian sausage in the fridge, i realized the time was right to try this one out.

i used 3 garlic cloves (shocking, i know) and reduced the water from 1 cup to about 3/4 cup. i have a 4-quart slow cooker, so i knew that using more water would make this more soupy than i wanted. instead of the ~7 cups of kale called for, i used a package of this kale blend and it worked out great. i set the timer for about 7.5 hours on low and the potatoes were perfectly tender when i took them out to mash them.

i'm not sure i'd make the mashed potatoes with olive oil again, though. it was my first time using olive oil in mashed potatoes and the taste and consistency was a bit different than i'm used to. the stew was great, though, so i can totally see myself making it again.

once a wildcat...?

i graduated from northwestern almost 20 years ago (holy shit i am the old) and while i always tell people that if i had it to do all over again, i'd go back to nu in a heartbeat, there are still some things that bugged me and continue to bug me about the school/administration/environment. enrollment and retention of minority and traditionally underrepresented populations has improved marginally over time, but i can still remember being downright giddy when a freshman class had 10% black people because omg we'd broken double-digits. (told y'all i was old.)

i still subscribe to the nu alumni newsletter/magazine and attempt to at least skim the alumni emails that land in my inbox. there was part of a note i received today that piqued my interest, so i followed the link and read about a new homecoming tradition at my alma mater.

instead of electing a traditional homecoming king and queen, there will be a single homecoming wildcat. it sounds kinda cheesy, i know, but this is what really sold me:

"The 12-person Homecoming Royalty Court formerly included six men and six women; the 12 top candidates will now be selected regardless of gender."

i will be the first to admit that i did not have the understanding or vocabulary to knowledgeably discuss gender identity some 20-something years ago, so as much as current me would like to be all "y'all should've done this way before now," i can't honestly say that because such a thought probably wouldn't have even occurred to me back then.

but here we are, in the year of our lord and savior black jesus 2017, and i am proud of northwestern for making a step in the right direction. here's to being a wildcat.

recipe review: chickpeas and spinach

who goes grocery shopping after work on a friday and then comes home to do some meal prep? o hai, it me. this is one of 2 new to me recipes that i tried out this weekend. i'd originally copied this from jacques pepin's cookbook and decided to pull it out of a recipe binder while trying to think through veggie ideas that weren't just sauteed spinach or steamed broccoli or green beans. the recipe in that youtube video is slightly different from the one i have, which calls for a 16oz can of chickpeas, a pound of baby spinach, canola oil instead of olive oil, and no vinegar. of course i added a clove of minced garlic because obviously jacques and/or his recipe tester/book editor forgot to include garlic somehow. 😊

i had 2 servings as a side dish for dinner on friday and saturday and took the rest for my lunch today. i am so making this again, y'all. i may try it with cannellini beans instead of chickpeas next time.

fun fact: i started typing "chicken" every time i typed "chickpeas" in this post. carnivorous habits die hard, i guess.

recipe review: roasted autumn vegetables & chicken sausage

i've been trying to spend a bit more time going through my binders full of recipes to come up with new (to me) dinner ideas. i knew i had a pack of chicken sausage in the freezer and could use that as a starting point.

i don't normally like brussels sprouts unless there's bacon involved or they're mixed with other vegetables. since this recipe calls for butternut squash and brussels sprouts, i figured i could give it a try. the chicken sausage is from a local vendor and was a special "bohemian chicken" variety that's reminiscent of roasted chicken. there were 6 links in the package so i used all of them. i think i wound up with 1.5 pounds of brussels sprouts before i trimmed them. the package of cubed & peeled butternut squash was 16oz, so that kinda evened things out as far as i was concerned. i used dried rosemary and dried sage, and since there were 5 cloves of garlic left on the bulb, i used all five. (i know you're all stunned by that, lol.) i eyeballed the salt and pepper as usual. after the initial 10 minutes of roasting, i stirred the veggies, added the sausage links, and roasted everything for another 30 minutes, stirring once about halfway through.

verdict? my opinion on brussels sprouts hasn't changed. we'll see if/how the flavors meld after a night in the fridge.

recipe review: road trip string bean and tomato salad

i bought a pound of green beans the other day because they were on sale and i knew i'd be going at least a little cooking this weekend. i also knew i wanted to try something a bit different from just boiling them or a simple saute. since i was working from home yesterday, i had time to go through my binders full of recipes for potential ideas. i read this one and although i didn't have balsamic vinegar or tomatoes on hand, i knew i was going back to the grocery store so picking those items up wouldn't be a problem.

there were 3 cloves of garlic left on the bulb i had, so i used all three. i wound up adding a bit more olive oil and a bit more balsamic vinegar because i didn't feel like i had enough dressing to coat everything. it tasted great last night and i'm interested to see how the flavors meld together after hanging out in the fridge.

recipe review*: bratwurst & veggie skillet

*-not sure if this counts as a review per se, since i didn't follow the recipe so much as i used it for inspiration.

i had a package of bratwurst in the freezer that needed to be used, but i didn't want to break out the grill pan and i wasn't really in the mood for making beer brats. to the interwebz i went and found the recipe linked above. in finding the link to copy/paste it here, i realized that i inadvertently left out both the cayenne pepper and the dried oregano when i made this the other night. i printed the recipe while i was at work and somehow those 2 ingredients got left off the page. oops.

there were 5 bratwurst in the package, so i thawed and sliced all of them. i used 6 small-to-medium red potatoes that i scrubbed and diced, along with the 2 red bell peppers and the sweet onion specified in the recipe. i found some baby rainbow carrots at the farmers market, so i peeled, washed, and cut them to use instead of the zucchini. i have roasted garlic powder instead of regular garlic powder because i wasn't paying close attention to the label when i bought it, but this is a good problem to have, imo.

i am still getting accustomed to how my oven works, so i let this bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, stirred everything around a bit, and let it continue baking for another 25 minutes or so until the potatoes and carrots i tested were tender. upon further review, i discovered that some of the potatoes were still a bit on the firm side, but not in an inedible way. i may freeze some of this to see how it holds up.

if/when i try it again, i'll probably use a different kind of sausage. maybe sweet potatoes or butternut squash instead of red or russet potatoes. probably carrots again, or maybe parsnips? we'll see.

on: saying "no" to yourself

we hear a lot about self-care. about putting yourself first. about treating yourself. about saying "yes" to yourself and the things that make you happy or bring you peace or whatever. but what about saying "no?"

i had some downtime yesterday between outings and decided to go home, have some lunch, do a bit of meal prep, maybe take a nap, and maybe clean my apartment before heading back out. the cleaning part was really weighing on me because i'd had to give myself permission to skip everything domestic last weekend (except for laundry and dishes) because i was way too busy and i just didn't have it in me to do anything else. even that was a struggle. i wish i'd kept count of how many times i said something like "ugh, i really need to vacuum" or "i wonder if i can pay someone just to clean my bathroom" last weekend. it was a struggle but since i'd said "yes" to doing all of the social things, i knew something had to give.

back to yesterday. i had my lunch and did my meal prep and was all set to maybe vacuum before taking a nap, but suddenly my body was like "nope." instead, i read for a little bit and then dozed off for, i dunno, maybe 30 minutes tops? i woke up and immediately knew something was off. i had the beginnings of a headache and i felt a bit queasy, which i was willing to chalk up to maybe drinking too much too quickly on a relatively empty stomach, but as i got out of bed, i realized that i was in actual physical pain. my apartment's not huge and yet walking from my bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen felt like a chore. this, of course, did not bode well for the last event on my calendar, but i figured i still had time to at least start cleaning up before heading out. i took an aleve, drank some water and some ginger ale, and decided that i could at least vacuum the apartment before i left and worry about the rest of the cleaning when i got back that evening.

by the time i finished vacuuming, though, i still wasn't feeling quite right. the queasiness had eased up a bit but was still lurking, as was the headache - which made me think that maybe a migraine was coming - and moving around my apartment still left me feeling as though i was literally dragging myself around.

i gave myself 10 minutes to sit back down, figuring that i could still get dressed and head over to my destination. i was only going ~5 blocks from home, so i decided that if things got really bad, i could just leave the event and head back home. on foot, of course, because the cta doesn't want me to have nice things like service on the #11 or the #37 on weekends or, as was announced this afternoon, no service on the #11 at all come september.

i was all set to say "yes" because i was going to a reading of a new/in-progress play, which is one of my favorite ways to enjoy the theater. also the playwright in question has written other works that i've enjoyed, and based on the synopsis i'd read, this production would also be right up my alley. oh, and it was free. all of the boxes were checked for a "yes."

and yet i had to say "no." the thought of getting dressed and walking to the venue and back was almost enough to make me want to cry. i was that physically tired. it's like the nap did nothing. the headache and queasiness were pretty much gone at that point (hooray for no migraine!), but i knew the best thing for me would be to curl up in bed with a book and relax, so i did.

that really fucking annoying voice in my head wouldn't shut up about the apartment cleaning, though. i think i read for almost 2 hours and the whole time, that tiny voice was all "what about the bathroom? weren't you going to swiffer the kitchen? what about the counters?" i finally gave in later in the evening and got up to clean the bathroom. i had to work in stages and take water breaks and rest between each task because my body was still in full "what is this whole moving around thing NOPE NOPE NOPE" mode, but it got done. then i made a cup of tea and ate the english toffee brownie i'd bought at the farmers market on saturday (note to self: go back and buy more of those brownies) and caught up on a few emails and other things online until i was ready to officially call it a night...after i swiffered the kitchen as my last productive act.

i felt all of the guilt about saying "no" to my previous plans. i'm almost positive that i would've loved the reading, and that i would've made it home without incident, and obviously i was just exaggerating about how tired i was and how unwell i felt and i shouldn't be so lazy. (did i mention that the annoying voice in my head is really fucking annoying? because it is.)

i woke up this morning feeling much improved over yesterday, which was good because i absolutely needed to be functional at work today. it's a short work week for me (o hai breast mri on friday! i couldn't forget about you if i tried!) and i'm on deadline, so being able to focus and get my work done is kind of a bigger deal than usual.

would that have been possible if i'd pushed myself to go out last night? knowing me, i would've found a way to power through today somehow, but i'm pretty sure i would've still felt like shit and not just in a "ugh mondays could you not?" kind of way.

so this is august...

today is august 1st.

i am 10 days away from having an mri exam on my breasts. please don't panic (because i'm doing enough of that for all of us, trust me) - i have not detected anything amiss, nor have my doctors, but given my family history and risk factors, we all want to err on the side of caution. also i want to do it while i still have employer-provided insurance because god only knows what's going to happen with that.

after i made the appointment for the exam, i called quasi-landlord to ask if i could crash with her the night before so she could drive me to the hospital, because i realized that worry about the logistics wasn't something i really wanted to deal with. i also asked the staff to prescribe some sort of anti-anxiety meds for the exam because we all know my hospital phobia is real as fuck and no one wants me freaking the fuck out. also the exam is supposed to take 45 minutes (heh) and there's no way i'm going to be calm and still for that long in that setting. q-l says we can go have breakfast afterwards because she knows i won't be hungry beforehand and the meds will have me loopy enough to need something on my stomach.

let's talk about how proud i am of myself for 1) remembering to make the appointment in the first place and 2) reaching out to q-l for help. y'all know how forgetful i can be. i can also be stubborn as hell and feel as though i can do everything by my damn self and then i'm wondering why i'm so fucking tired and anxious and depressed. sometimes you gotta outsource some shit.

so, yeah. i haven't said much about the exam even though it's been on my calendar for damn near a month. i am actively trying (and failing) to panic as the date gets closer. i am super duper vigilant about breast self-exams and i've already had 2 mammograms this year, thanks to the first set of results being inconclusive. that was fun, let me tell you. i know in my heart of hearts that there is nothing wrong and that there should be no surprises when the exam results come back. this is not just me being ridiculously optimistic. i really do believe this.

and yet, my brain works in mysterious ways and sometimes it likes to overthink things and panic when there is no logical reason to do so. it's a blast. if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong, i know that i can pull together some semblance of a plan and go forward after i have my initial "omg wtf is even happening right now" breakdown. that's what i do. i freak out for a minute (hour, day, month, whatever) and then i get back to work. sometimes, though, my brain doesn't allow me to work through things in a sensible way and i wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe because "what if they find something?" i am a goddamn ray of sunshine in those moments.

this month is also momentous for me because james would have been 55 this year and that is totally and completely fucking with me. sometimes i forget that he was only 46 when he died. when i'm really committed to wallowing in self-pity, i rage about how fucking unfair it is that he died so goddamn young and how dare he be taken from me and carol and everyone else who loved him when it's so obvious that we still need(ed) him around? if i allow myself to be honest outside of my therapy sessions, i can acknowledge how selfish i'm being and how i obviously had no control over when/how my brother was going to die and of course none of it is my fault. then i start feeling like a big bay because i miss him so much still that, again, if i allow myself to be open and honest about it, it physically feels like a part of me is missing. like there's a hole in my chest that can't be repaired. it stinks. i don't like it.

i was all set to get a tattoo (both daddy and james had the same first and middle initials, which made my decision easier) on what would've been on james' 55th birthday this year, until i realized it's the day before my friends' wedding. the tattoo will happen before the year is out, though. it's the only remaining item on my original "get your shit together" list. you may recall that the other items on the list were paying off my eviction, having fibroid surgery, and moving into my own place. all of those boxes have been checked and unpacked. i will somehow power through my dislike of needles and get this tattoo on at least one area of my body.

james would have been 55 and lori would have been 56 this year. did i mention how much this sucks? because it really does. of course their birthdays are a day apart because god in his infinite wisdom wanted to make sure that i could suffer in concentrated chunks of time vs. spreading that shit out. i'm ok with that part, actually. i tried explaining this to my therapist during my annual february/march doldrums and i'm sure she thought i was protesting too much at first, but when i broke down the schedule of dates and how/why they have such an impact on me, i think she came around.

my mri exam is on lori's birthday, which is the day before james' birthday. my friends' wedding is two days after the mri exam. i didn't have the birthdays in mind when i scheduled the exam but i was thinking of the wedding, since i was already taking that monday off as a recovery day (because drinking), so i figured i might as well get an extra long weekend out of it.

with that said, my current approach to this month is to make it to this wedding without completely losing my shit. if i survive the next, oh, 2 weeks or so, then i should be able to get through the rest of august relatively unscathed. hopefully. *knocks on wood* *crosses fingers* *prays to saints* *lights candles*

recipe review: muffin-tin quiches with smoked cheddar and potato

i have been about that savory breakfast life for a little bit now, which is kinda hilarious to me because my sweet tooth is still going strong. maybe it's because i'm usually having a mimosa or 5 with brunch and i feel like i need a savory entree to balance out the sugar? yeah, let's go with that. it sounds plausible enough.

this recipe has a few of my favorite things: potatoes, cheese, and spinach. don't be like me and use an entire container of baby spinach in this recipe, though. i made this on friday evening and realized i probably wouldn't finish the rest of the spinach before it went bad, so into the mixing bowl it went. in hindsight, i probably should've added another egg or two to even out the consistency a bit. as it was, i let these bake for, oh, maybe 35 or so minutes instead of the 25 minutes listed in the recipe. i also added a couple cloves of minced garlic (yes, i did go to the store just to buy more garlic after i made that last batch of chili) because, well, i just figured it was an oversight of some sort that this recipe didn't call for any garlic. there's potatoes and spinach and cheese! why would you not add garlic to that deliciousness?

as an aside, i would like to point out that past me packed away a muffin tin and a grater, but not a potato masher. i discovered this when i decided to make mashed potatoes with the potatoes i'd bought for this recipe but didn't use. i just let the potatoes boil for what seemed like forever or until i could mash them with the back of a spoon.

back to the recipe, though - added garlic, dumped in way more spinach than was called for, adjusted the cooking time...oh! i had some cubed smoked gouda (which has been a "not-quite-impulse buy but definitely not on my shopping list" purchase the past couple of trips to jewel) in the fridge, so i added a few cubes along with the grated smoked cheddar. mmmm....cheese...

i did not freeze any of these because i'm having them for breakfast this week. i like them as they are, and i'm sure they'd be better if i hadn't gone overboard with the spinach and messed up the consistency. i also like that they're vegetarian and that this is something that could be made in advance for a brunch or a brinner party. oooh, a brinner party. i would totally go to a brinner party. i don't think i've done brinner yet since i moved in. i should make that happen soon.

recipe review: italian sausage chili

this is one of the recipes that caught my eye while i was organizing my recipe binders a couple of weeks ago. i knew i had italian sausage in the freezer and that there was a carton of chicken broth in the pantry, so it was just a matter of picking up the other ingredients.

me being me, i used 6 cloves of garlic instead of 4. i just happened to have 6 cloves left and decided it was a sign to use them all. some of the cloves were thinly sliced. some were not. if i had it to do again, i'd probably just use my garlic press and mince the garlic that way. i used a package of johnsonville italian sausage, which i think clocks in at around 19 ounces or so. the cannellini beans were low-sodium, as was the chicken broth. no parsley was used. i had a few scallions left from the turkey fried rice i'd made the night before, so i sliced those up and added them with the bell pepper, onion, and garlic. i also added some italian seasoning at the end - maybe a teaspoon or so? i was eyeballing it so who knows what the exact measurement was on that.

i made this on wednesday and didn't actually eat any of it until last night. chili's one of those dishes that tastes better the longer it has time to sit and let all the flavors hang out and become best friends. i put a serving in the freezer and have had 2 bowls of it so far, and i'm pretty sure there's at least 3 servings left in the fridge, so that whole "serves 4" thing may not be the most accurate. i'd make this again, possibly with chicken chorizo from whole foods (usually available at the meat counter - sometimes you have to order it in advance and they'll make it for you) and with minced/pressed garlic. maybe a red/orange/yellow bell pepper instead of green, depending on what's on sale. maybe diced tomatoes instead of plum tomatoes? oh, the possibilities...lol

on: not losing recipes

i spent a good chunk of today going through my paper recipe files. i currently have three large binders filled with recipes that i've clipped or printed or typed up. before today, i hadn't really looked at those binders since 2011. i'd been accumulating recipes since then in a couple of overflowing manila folders (and on my laptop, but let's not discuss that right now), so i decided it was time to file those away while reviewing ones i'd previously saved.

it was interesting to me to see how my taste have changed and/or evolved over time. i wound up tossing dozens, if not closer to a hundred or more, of previously saved recipes into my recycling bin. there were dishes that i knew good and well i'd probably never get around to trying. dishes that had ingredients that i don't like and couldn't easily substitute for something else. dishes that probably sounded good to past me, but current me was like "um, no thank you." dishes i'm not really sure why i saved them in the first place and since i'm in no danger of running out of ideas, away they went.

i found a couple of recipes that i'd made from memory just in the past couple of days, including a sauce i used for my crockpot ribs today, and some other old favorites that were relatively heavy in my rotation. i'm actually kinda excited about revisiting some of them and trying out some new ones, all the while hoping that i get the knack of this electric stove sooner vs. later.

greetings from casa de eulalia!

apologies for the silence, folks. i was kinda busy, what with finding an apartment and being approved for it and signing a lease and buying things and packing and unpacking and trying to get organized and all. wait...what?

i am currently typing this from my apartment. an apartment that i am straining my budget to afford every month, but it's mine and i have a balcony and it's closer to work and one of my most frequented bars is like 3 blocks away and it is all mine. woo!

how long have i been waiting to write a sentence like that? oh, only 6 years or so. part of me still can't believe that this is happening. that i am actually in a space of my own and my name is on a lease and holy fucking shit you guys i am finally in a living situation that i picked out and have complete control over. well, as much control as an apartment renter would have, anyway.

i haven't been here a full week yet, even though i've been moving stuff in and out all month long, so there's still some things for me to get used to or discover. like the water pressure in the shower being so low that it makes me sad every morning. like cooking with an electric stove, which i've done only a few times before. like remembering just how much i appreciate silence, especially since i don't have a tv yet. like figuring out what kind of seating arrangements i want in the living room. do i want a couch? a table and chairs? a couple of bar stools near the kitchen? a pile of big fluffy pillows? some combination thereof? so many options!

a big huge thank you to everyone for all of their support during the move and, well, during the past 6 years. the journey took way longer than i thought it would, but i'm here, and i am beyond grateful.

if you didn't get my "o hai i moved here's my new contact info" email and you think that maybe you should have that handy, let me know. my memory is trash and i'm sleep-deprived and it's entirely possible that i inadvertently left someone out. sorry.

on: privilege, gratitude, and feeling like a poseur

(originally written around 10:30am today. a couple of things have already changed, so i'll update accordingly within the post using italics.)

i've been mulling over privilege during the past few days or so. i don't have much of it, as a black woman in this current society, but i do have a bit. i've been fighting a cold since last week and i was able to stay home twice - once as an official sick day, and the other by my choosing to work from home - so i could try to get my life together. totally failed at that, as evidenced by the bronchitis diagnosis i received yesterday, but at least i was able to try. i was also able to go to an immediate care clinic near home to get checked out because this coughing is obnoxious and i'm losing at least an hour of sleep a night because of it, which i really can't afford because my sleep pattern is already trash. given that the house of representatives is considering yet another attempt to repeal the aca as i type this (GODDAMMIT, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES! WHAT THE FUCK?), being able to use my employer-provided insurance and not having to worry about paying hundreds or thousands of dollars out of pocket is a blessing. that same insurance covered all but $12 or so of the medicine i was prescribed for this stupid cough (can you tell i'm beyond over this? ugh).

the whole insurance thing has been on my mind because it's almost been a whole entire year since i had surgery. i know - i can barely believe it myself. it feels like just yesterday when i was having all of the anxiety about the surgery and staying in the hospital overnight (not gonna lie, typing that just now made me shudder, so you know the phobia is real and just typing it again some 11 hours later still creeps me out, btw), but here we are.

i am, of course, incredibly grateful to have access to quality health care, both of the physical and mental varieties, without having to worry too much about how i'm going to pay for it. i'm also thankful for having sick time that allowed me to stay home and recuperate last year after surgery, and that same sick time came in handy this time last week when i realized that yes, i needed to stay home and attempt to rest. who knew i'd end up having 6 nosebleeds on friday, or that i'd lose my voice for 3-4 days, or that i'd come down with a migraine late sunday/early monday after i'd already taken a benadryl for the night and couldn't take a migraine pill and then had all of the migraine-induced nausea, or that this annoying cough would become the bane of my fucking existence? seriously. only i would end up with bronchitis (and a possible sinus infection! woo!) after what appeared to be a regular cold.

i'm also grateful to quasi-landlord, who, after returning home from her louisiana vacation last night, took one look at me and made me a mug of mint tea, even though i'm quite honestly sick of drinking tea and am ready to take a break from hot toddy time. she also brought back pralines and caramels for me, which was awesome because i'd meant to ask her about possible praline souvenirs, but i was too busy having laryngitis and attempting to have a social life because i'd already paid for tickets to things and therefore staying home all weekend was not an option. you should've seen my face last night when quasi-landlord broke out that box of pralines for me. actually, no, you shouldn't have. my cheeks are still kinda blotchy from the migraine-induced nausea, plus my nose is in full rudolph mode, and my hair has basically taken the week off from even pretending to be cooperative when i try to style it. dead sexy, let me tell you.

i'm going to a talk/networking thing at work later this afternoon. i still have a strong aversion to formal networking, mind you, but the talk is being given by one of the highest ranking black women at the firm. i'm still not feeling 100%, but i felt like this was important enough to drag myself into the office. i think that sometimes, it's helpful to see what's possible, even if it's not something i actually want for myself. bonus if #blackgirlmagic is involved somehow. (so glad i sucked it up and went. she said some things that i needed to hear and i swear the universe just knows sometimes.)

i kinda feel like a fraud, though. i was trying to figure out what to wear to work today and even this button-down shirt and these pants scream "trying too hard" to me, despite the fact that it's an outfit i've worn countless times before. i obviously want to be a bit more presentable than usual since i'm going to this shindig, but...i don't know. y'know how sometimes you see folks in full business attire and they just project this sense of "yes, i am a major player in whatever business this is" and you just want to sit in the corner and nurse your drink until it's socially acceptable for you to sneak out without saying anything to anyone? no? just me? dammit.

yes, i know i have lots to offer professionally - i've been working for more than 20 years and i know enough to know that there's so much more that i don't know - but sometimes it still feels as if i have nothing to contribute. not because i don't like my job, because i do actually enjoy what i do most days even if some of the folks i work with drive me up the fucking wall, but because i feel as if i'm not supposed to be (t)here. like i snuck in somehow and at any moment, my cover will be blown and i'll be marched out.

given the thoroughness of the background check that was performed before this job was officially offered to me, there's little to no chance of that actually happening in real life, but it still bugs me. y'all know me. i rarely if ever play myself small. i think i've been referring to myself as queeneulalia or queen of the universe or some permutation thereof since college, so clearly i'm about that "let's dream big!" life.

and yet.

i told myself when i took this job that i would at least try to go to some of these networking events even though i'd much rather be doing hoodrat things with my friends, and if i didn't know or recognize anyone at the event, that i would stay for at least one drink or 15 minutes into the networking part of things. yes, i know the whole point of networking is to make new connections and all that shit, but fuck that. a bitch doesn't really like people like that on most days and i could be at the bar or on my way home or reading a book or eating tacos or whatever instead of sipping questionable red wine and possibly nibbling on cheese and crackers or crudites and making small talk or outwardly feigning interest in whatever's being discussed while trying to figure out how soon i can get back down to my desk to pack up and call it a day. i'm already doing the math in my head - if the networking part starts at 5, i can maybe call it a day at 5:20 at the latest, assuming that i'm able to grab a drink right at 5 or shortly thereafter, and assuming i don't run into anyone i know or feel the need to stay longer. i am also keeping in mind that a coughing fit may strike at any time, despite my meds, and therefore i may have to unfortunately excuse myself when the talk concludes. (i totally left after the talk concluded. i wound up sitting next to another black woman who works on the same floor as i do, so we both agreed that going back to our desks and wrapping things up was the better use of our time. she did introduce me to someone that she knew, though, so i did actually meet one new person. that totally counts. 😀)

yes, i'm serious. yes, i know it's not really that serious in the whole scheme of things but yes, it is that serious to me. don't knock the coping mechanism until you've tried it...and even then, you shouldn't knock it. just because it doesn't suit you doesn't mean that it won't be great for someone else. 💜

on: the lord's prayer

*blows dust off of blog login credentials*

o hai hey hello wassup y'all? 👋

i took a lyft home from the bar tonight, as i do almost every sunday evening. yes, i went to the bar on easter sunday. #sundayfunday is part of my routine and since my therapist said that going out is good for my self-care, i see no reason to deviate from this.

so i'm riding along in my lyft (with a quiet driver, black jesus be praised) and all of a sudden, the lord's prayer pops into my head. not just the "standard" version that you may have been taught at church and/or can still recite from memory. i mean more like this.

i've not sang in a church choir on a regular basis since 1994, and yet i found myself softly humming this version for the rest of my ride home. if you think my falsetto during karaoke is ridiculous, you should've heard me in high school. some of my fellow sopranos and i would grab on to each other or hold hands to help each other reach for those high notes. there was a reunion concert at 1st c. back in late january and during rehearsal, some of us found ourselves falling right back into that same habit of holding on to each other so we could try to hit those seemingly impossible notes.

i wish i could tell you how or why this song came to me. my ride wasn't particular arduous and i don't recall anything else happening along the way that would've necessitated a prayer or otherwise going to church as the case may be. maybe i was just feeling a bit nostalgic since i didn't go to church today. maybe i was thinking about recent events in cleveland and other places and the ongoing fubar-ness that is the current administration and the universe decided this was a song i needed to revisit for the first time in god only knows how long.

may we all feel that our prayers and/or the desires of our hearts be received and understood, even if they do not immediately come to pass. amen.

on: trying not to burnout

a group of us went to dinner last week to celebrate quasi-landlord's birthday. as we got settled, the conversation turned to politics, as i suppose it tends to do during times like these. i asked if we could all agree that we disagree with the current administration and leave it at that, so that we could talk about other things and not get ourselves worked up. that was successful for about 15 minutes, so i asked again. one of quasi-landlord's friends realized that i was quite sincere about this and thankfully steered the conversation to another topic.

the tv in quasi-landlord's room is tuned to msnbc as i write this. at least once a week, i have to remind her that we have a variety of channels to choose from and if something or someone on msnbc is getting her worked up, then she should change the channel. i think this is easier for me to say because it's been months since i've actively watched msnbc for longer than, say, half an hour at a time.

it's not that i don't understand why so many people are so consumed with everything that's going on. i get it. i'm as scared and as angry livid, really as anyone else that stands in opposition to the current administration. i also know that giving into that fear and letting it take over my life is the absolute last thing i need. self-care is a necessity for all of us. i found myself nodding in agreement when this crossed my twitter feed last week because i do a few of these things already. i've also been using this activism checklist as a way to help me hone in on things i can do each week. i can't always get away from my desk to make calls, so i turn some of those scripts into emails for elected officials instead.

we're all being bombarded, and for some of y'all, this may be the first time you've felt this stressed out and hopeless and confused, and that's ok. what i need for all of us to remember is that this shit right here is not the end. we may need to find new and different and creative ways to unplug as needed. hell, we may need to get to the point where we can even identify the fact that we need to take a break. i'm pretty sure that the world won't stop turning if i take some time to read or listen to music or watch tv or hang out with friends without focusing our discussions on politics. (you can always ask me about northwestern men's basketball instead. this is the year, people!) the work will still be there. i promise.

do what you can, when you can, where you can, and hopefully we'll all get through this thing called life one way or another.

recipe review: skillet pork tenderloin with mustard and smoked paprika

you ever come across a recipe that's so simple that you're kinda upset that you didn't come up with it first? after that moment passes, you realize that you have almost all of the ingredients and so you might as well try it out.

that was me this weekend with this recipe. i saw it in a magazine friday night, added pork tenderloin to my shopping list for saturday afternoon, and made it yesterday. i probably could've let the pork brown a little longer, and it probably could've stayed in the oven for a few more minutes, but otherwise i'm happy. i used smoked sweet paprika, which worked because i'm sure the combo of the dijon mustard and hot smoked paprika might've been too much for me.

i'm currently wishing i'd baked some sweet potatoes or made sweet potato fries or something to go along with it, but this is a good problem to have.

on: feeling isolated while surrounded

talked to carol today. there's all kinds of drama going on, some of which i alluded to on twitter, and i can tell it's taking its toll on her. she's been thrust into the role of caregiver again, this time for her father (and our pastor), and she told me how she feels like no one really understands what that's like for her, especially knowing that barring a miracle, there will be no recovery for her father. i understand it to a certain extent, having lost countless loved ones, but i don't even want to pretend to know what it would feel like to potentially lose both your husband and your father in a span of less than 10 years.

carol's like me in a lot of ways, and not just because we were born in december. we're both way too stubborn for our own good sometimes. we know friends and family would do their best to help out if we could articulate what we wanted/needed instead of just saying that we're tired. sometimes we believe that it's just easier to shoulder the weight and do it ourselves and worry about the consequences later. way deep down, we know that this isn't healthy, but we've so conditioned ourselves that this is the way it has to be that it's difficult to break that habit.

at one point during our conversation, carol mentioned that she'd called a family friend of ours to be potential backup in case some of the aforementioned drama gets even uglier. i had to laugh because i was already mentally writing a text to a friend on how i might need them to be ready to show up at a moment's notice due to said drama. then i had to pause because i heard a hint of loneliness in carol's voice and i knew better than to call her on it in that moment.

that's another thing we have in common. we can be surrounded by people we know and love and still feel like we're utterly alone. y'all know that this is something i've battled and am continuing to attempt to work through.

then i started thinking about jordan hankins. i didn't know jordan personally, but i can see the similarities in our stories. being a black woman at northwestern is not easy. i knew a fair number of black athletes while i was there and one of their constant complaints was feeling isolated from the rest of the black community on campus. knowing what i do about current campus conditions, my guess is that not much has changed. let me be clear in that i do not and would not dare to claim to know what jordan was going through. i would submit that it is possible, though, that she felt a sense of isolation even while being surrounded by teammates and friends and family. i hope her spirit is at rest now, and that those who knew her and loved her are able to find some peace.

recipe review: greens, cannellini beans, and andouille sausage pan stew

i tore this recipe out of a magazine recently and knew i could adapt it for new year's day collard greens & black-eyed peas purposes. if you're in chicago, you should be able to find amylu chicken andouille sausage at jewel and/or whole foods - i've seen them at both stores. instead of cannellini beans, i used a can of black-eyed peas that i drained and rinsed. i used 2 teaspoons of dried thyme instead of fresh thyme, used apple cider vinegar instead of balsamic because that's what i had. i wish i could tell you how many collards i wound up with, but i didn't measure them. i also added a bit of salt at the end. oh, and i used 2 large garlic cloves along with 2 teeny tiny cloves of garlic.

obviously, i had to adjust the cooking time since i was using collard greens instead of kale. i'd say they cooked for about 30-40 minutes or so, with me checking for doneness every 10-15 minutes. i didn't reduce the broth by half - more like a quarter or so. if/when i make this again, i'd slice the onions into smaller pieces and maybe ease up on the cider vinegar a bit.

on: light and miracles

a dear friend of quasi-landlord's (and mine, by extension) joined us for christmas dinner. i'd not seen him in months, and we were all looking forward to being together and catching up. in addition to his famous potatoes with chorizo (which i absolutely love even though i can never get them right whenever i try to make them myself), he brought a mexican hot chocolate torte (nom nom nom) and presents for all of us, which was completely unnecessary and yet totally thoughtful. the message of the card he included has stuck with me, so much so that i'm leaving said card on the windowsill near my bed so i can see it easily.

front of card:

"The light of Chanukah
reminds us to have faith
that miracles are on their way."

inside of card:

"Wishing you
a wonderful Chanukah
and every blessing
always."

his handwritten message:

"I know you're not
Jewish. But I 
like the message of 
this card. Even
in our darkest days
light will guide
our way!"

he's not jewish, either.

i was unable to tell him just how much this meant, especially in that particular moment, so i just leaned over and gave him a hug. score one for the universe.


i haven't made any sort of resolutions or intentions for 2017, but i think this is something that i wish for all of us, self included, in the coming year - that we be reminded of the power of miracles and that light will continue to guide our ways.

merry new year, y'all. here's to a fucking outstanding 2017 because holy shit do we deserve it. i love you.😘

recipe review: barbecue fries

[thank you for all of your concern re: my last post. i've been sick (as in physically ill) off and on this week, but i'm slowly and surely approaching something resembling normalcy. my high-risk breast cancer assessment has been moved to late january instead of march, so yay for that. i made some more headway on researching therapists, but the practice i'm most interested in at the moment doesn't currently have any therapists that will accept my insurance, so i will revisit that in a few weeks to see what's what. i love y'all to the moon and back. and now, the aforementioned recipe review.]

quasi-landlord's other tenant had about 4-5 leftover russet potatoes that she gifted to me. normally, i would just make a batch of mashed potatoes and be #fatgirlhappy, but i didn't really want mashed potatoes this time around. (as if we needed further proof that i haven't been myself lately, right?)

i was already digging through my recipe files looking for greens & black-eyed peas inspiration for the new year and came across this recipe for barbecue fries. it's so easy that i can't believe i haven't tried it before. lord only knows what i was waiting on.

i used a 1/2 teaspoon of tabasco sauce and, though listed as optional, added both the paprika and the cumin. there were 2 different bottles of bbq sauce in the fridge, so i used 3 tablespoons of each. quasi-landlord's oven tends to set off the smoke detector at high temps, so i baked the fries at 425° for about 35 minutes, turning them over after 20 minutes or so.

if i make this again, i'd cut the olive oil down to 4 tablespoons and skip oiling the baking sheet. i wanted crispier fries and i think there was too much moisture for them to cook up the way i really wanted them to. i have no idea if there's any sour cream in the fridge and since i was having these as part of my pork chop and leftover green beans dinner, i didn't really care that much about having a dipping sauce. part of me wants to make some scrambled eggs and have these fries on the side. obviously they'd go well with a burger or a steak or some other meaty main dish. ooh, maybe i'll make these again, use fewer potatoes, and throw in some broccoli. that could be delicious.

adulting with/through anxiety: a week in review

sunday. you get belated birthday greetings via text from your niece, her mother, and carol. you do not hear from your brothers, and you know at least one of them will hold forth during christmas dinner about how they never see you and how you're too good to come all the way out there to hang out with them, oblivious to the fact that he's an asshole and you have way better things to do with your time. you cry yourself to sleep because you start thinking about all the things you need to do during the coming week and you're missing james because at least he remembered your birthday every year and you don't ask your family for much - for anything, really - but would it really do your brothers any harm to remember their baby sister's birthday, especially since it's a milestone year? your brother's ex-wife remembered, albeit late, but come on.

monday. thankfully quasi-landlord has reminded you that the house is full because her european folks are staying for a few days. you love them dearly, but you hate the chaos, specifically the clutter and noise, that happens when they're here. all of the clutter and noise and you've been off work for a few days and are thinking about what you need to do to hit the ground running when you return but you can't really think because clutter and noise and noise and clutter and it's making your teeth itch. you're frustrated because you were "supposed" to be back in your own place by now but prospective landlords see that eviction on your record and laugh all the way to the bank with your application fee in hand and who gives a damn if you have a job that's paying you the most you've made in your working life to date and who the hell were you kidding by having ambitions and shit? how dare you dream...not even big, really. medium? it was all a medium-sized dream and you are furious with yourself for falling short on one of your major goals for 2016 but it doesn't matter because this year has been trash anyway so fuck it.

tuesday. back at work. you find out that someone you worked with on a project right before your birthday break tried to throw you under the bus even though they'd blown every deadline you'd set for said project and since they're local, you resist the urge to go find their desk and punch them in the face. you didn't sleep well and you just wanna go home and relax, but quasi-landlord's houseguests are still around and so you make dinner and get into your pajamas in record time and hang out in your room most of the night curled up with your "this is fine" plush dog. you also make an appointment for your first mammogram because it's part of your post-physical homework. you try not to freak out about said mammogram because your self-exams have yielded nothing and your doctor's yearly exams have yielded nothing, but to no avail.

wednesday. bathroom break at 4:30am. you finally start dozing off 15 minutes later, but then your brain decides to have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS EVER and sleep is like "oh, you didn't really wanna hang? kthxbai." you have no idea when you actually go back to sleep, but you wake up in a panic thinking that you've overslept and in reality, your alarm is a minute away from going off. you're not sure how much sleep you actually got and you consider not leaving the house at all and just working from home, but the houseguests are still here and there will be no quiet, only clutter and noise. if you have to leave the house to go to starbucks or somewhere else with wifi so you can work, you may as well go into the office. you are not happy about this. your boss assigns you a new project and you complain and whine about it for 10 minutes, as you do with every new project. your heart's not really in it, though, because who really gives a shit about this project or anything else? you play phone tag with the high-risk breast cancer center people, again based on your post-physical homework. nothing is wrong, but just making that call fills you with blech. you also spend a good hour researching therapists (yup, also part of your homework) that you can't bring yourself to call to confirm insurance acceptance because you've hit the wall. you go to the library after work and not even talking with a former co-worker about how glad she is to be in a new place after the fire in her apartment building boosts your mood, although you are genuinely happy for her because you could feel the stress in her texts to you about the situation. you stop by the bar for a round and it is actually quieter there than home, so you sit for a beer and a shot and finish reading the book in your purse. you make a mental note that this is the first alcohol you've had since sunday night and your doctor would be proud because she wants you to cut back to 1 alcoholic drink every 24 hours, but since that's not in the written post-visit homework you decide you don't really need to follow that one all that strictly. you go home, you warm up some dinner and eat while standing up in the kitchen because the houseguests have taken over the dining room and you just cannot deal with the clutter and noise. but they're leaving the next day so you stay in the kitchen and help clean up even though you didn't actually consume any of the food that was cooked for that dinner but kitchen duty usually helps settle your mind because you're able to zone out, but not this time. a wonder that no dishes were dropped and you didn't injure yourself.

thursday. o hai, crying in the shower. you are feeling 17 kinds of hopeless and nothing is making any sense but you go to work anyway. you make some progress on your new project because this is what is expected of you, even though your boss is out for the day and you really could just look busy and be done with it. quasi-landlord texts you while you're heading home because she wants to go to honey butter, and you agree even though you do not have the energy to carry on a conversation. you also realize that you are having a really shitty week and hey, you should probably text or email a friend because you promised after last year that you would be better about vocalizing when you weren't doing well, but the way your anxiety is set up, you put your phone down because everyone has their own shit and honestly, no one gives a good goddamn about your feelings so you may as well just stfu and deal with it. you are tired of powering through, though. you know something's wrong because this is usually your favorite time of year but there is no joy in your heart.

friday. a teammate suggested mimosas the other day and the two of you convinced your boss that this is a thing that should happen today. day drinking is one of your favorite things, so that, combined with the fact that said mimosas will happen at work, should have you skipping down the halls. it doesn't. you finally make contact with the high-risk breast cancer assessment people and you have an appointment scheduled in march, which makes you laugh because your mammogram is 2 weeks from today and you know in your gut that everything is fine but holy nervousness, batman. you look at your phone again because really, you should text someone, but that voice in your head reminds you that it's pointless and you're worthless and no one gives a shit, and you don't have the energy to deal with it at that moment because you're at work and you need to focus on not falling apart there. you're successful in that quest until you're doing laundry later, when the urge to do something harmful to yourself hits you so quickly and so forcefully that you double over for a second. once you're able to breathe normally, you realize that this is a very bad idea for myriad reasons, not least of which is because quasi-landord does not need to come home and find you passed out (or worse) in the basement. you've been pondering a blog post off and on all week, so you commit to writing this one. that oh-so-lovely voice comes back to tell you that no one is going to read this, but you're ok with that because the shit has to get off of your chest and you're stable enough to know that you are not going to harm yourself because you have some things to look forward to, like the bottle of klinker brick rosé that you forgot you had but you're totally going to drink while watching the bears game tomorrow, and jesusjack, and christmas day itself, and seeing "fences" with quasi-landlord on monday, and you remind yourself to keep trying because you really did promise yourself and everyone else after last year, but holy hell the anxiety has done a number on you this week. you're always cold, no matter how many layers you're wearing, and you're still hungry after meals regardless of how much or how little you actually consume. you are thankful for your stash of chocolate.

update: #alldecembereverything, 2016 edition

i've decided that this is indeed a thing that will happen on 12/17. stop by for a round or 5 and wish me a happy birthday. https://t.co/A68Fd9nHrZ

— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 6, 2016

it is entirely possible that i'll be at @NiseiLounge 2 weeks from tonight accepting as many birthday drinks as i can. you should join me.

— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 4, 2016

original #alldecembereverything post is here as a reference.

happy tuesday! 😀

on: not running away

went to church yesterday. saw one of my nearest and dearest play mamas after service. i hadn't seen her in a while so as soon as i was able, i made a beeline over to her so i could say hi. she teased me about showing my face before the end of the year because i didn't want her hunting me down and moving slowly in the streets with her cane. we talked for a few minutes about everything and nothing, as we do. she'd asked if i was going to be back at church before new year's. i said probably not because, well, i probably won't. then she leaned in, grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes, and said something that i've been pondering ever since.

"don't run away. we need you."

in my gut, i knew that she wasn't just referring to my church attendance. it shook me, because no one there knows about what i went through last october, or anything else for that matter, unless they've somehow found this page and/or my twitter feed.

i had to take a second to recover, and then i said that i wasn't going anywhere. i might not be physically present at church, but i wasn't running away. i wasn't going anywhere.

y'know how sometimes you say something out loud and you can practically feel that shit all the way down to your toes? like what you've said is actually taking root somehow? that's kinda how i felt.

maybe i'm susceptible because my birthday's coming up. maybe it's related to my post-election feelings. maybe it's the part of adulting i've really been trying to be better about - the part where i try to show up and be present and embrace the path i'm on.

"i'm not running away. i'm not going anywhere." a friend and i have had ongoing conversations where i remind them that i'm always around for them no matter what, but this felt, and still feels, like a public declaration of sorts. i think i can be ok with this. sometimes we all need reminders that we're needed and that we shouldn't run away. here's hoping the universe sends you the reminder you need and the strength to keep going. amen.