another day, another placeholder type of post

i think maybe at one point last night or this morning, i had the idea to write about my day of win yesterday, but upon further reflection, it'd read more like a list of "hey look at all the shit i did yesterday" and that just doesn't sound appealing to me right now.

i'm becoming convinced that my mental fog today is due to the fact that i had such a kick-ass day yesterday and my brain didn't know how to fully process it. that, and the rain/clouds today just make me want to have all of the sleep. i'm surprised i managed to pull myself off the couch to come out to the bar, where i've just finished up working on job apps and am pondering my next move before i head out to the chicago dancing festival tonight. maybe i'll go home and drop off my laptop and take a quick nap?

so, yeah. sorry for the more unexciting than usual content today, folks. let's hope i'm back on my only moderately unexciting game next time. :-)

dreamgirls in the summertime

so last night keidra and i had plans to hang out in millennium park to watch "dreamgirls" for the 20th time. that might be a conservative estimate, b/c i'm pretty sure we've each seen it 15 times if we've seen it once.

due to technical difficulties, though, the movie couldn't be screened. we were sad for about 20 seconds, until the announcement came that we could stay in the park and listen to the soundtrack. since we know the movie well enough to sing/speak a good chunk of the dialogue, we decided to stick around. you can check my twitter timeline from last night for highlights if you're into that kind of thing.

at one point, keidra & i looked around and realized that at least half of the people who were in the park before the movie cancellation announcement was made were still hanging out. i might've yelled out something like "omg chicago i love you so much" once or twice. there really is nothing like #summertimechi, folks.

there's also nothing like belting out all the parts to "it's all over" and "and i am telling you" and making instant connections with every other black woman you make eye contact with who's also singing along. you couldn't tell us that we didn't sound fantastic.

and then i remembered something i wrote last year about "dreamgirls," and keidra & i laughed b/c we both knew we'd be on youtube at some point looking at clips from the original broadway production, which, of course, leads us to this clip which still wins all of the things.

what does "home" mean to you?

home for me has almost always meant chicago. it's no secret that i have lived and loved my hometown for as long as i can remember.

when i moved out to the south suburbs back in the day, "home" was always my father's house back in the city. i'd go "home" for weekends and holidays and breaks from school and other special occasions, and that's how it was until i graduated from high school and started living full-time with my father for the first time in 10 years.

at northwestern, "home" was still my father's house. i'd still go home for weekends and holidays and breaks and sometimes just b/c i could, or just b/c daddy wanted me to.

after daddy died my junior year, my sense of home shifted a bit. james & carol's place was my permanent address, but i didn't really live there. it was around that time that i started finding housesitting/petsitting gigs so i'd have somewhere to stay during breaks when nu's campus was closed.

post-graduation, home was, appropriately enough, my apartment. easy enough.

when i had to give up casa de eulalia and embarked on my current journey of housesitting and couch-crashing and guest room usage, home was still chicago. during most of 2012 when i was in the north 'burbs, any extended trip to chicago was a trip home. if you were reading this blog last year, then you probably remember some of my ramblings about my love of this city. if you've been reading my other blog, then you're also acquainted with my unabashed affection for chicago, flaws and all.

and now that i'm in chicago and on the verge of moving again, my sense of home continues to shift. it's logical to me b/c as the years have passed, i have grown to consider the circle of friends i've developed more like my family than some folks who are actually related to me.

home is still chicago, and, if i'm honest with myself, will likely always be chicago. i can't imagine myself anywhere else, which probably speaks to a limited imagination on my part and i'm willing to accept that criticism. a lot of it is due to the fact that i spent a good chunk of the past year or so working to get back to the city that i love. i can't see myself giving up on chicago, despite mounting evidence that it's trying its damnedest to give up on me and its other fine citizens.

watching tv in the digital age

this is where i admit that i am relatively retro when it comes to my tv viewing habits. i'm probably one of the few people left on the planet that doesn't have a netflix or a hulu subscription. i still prefer watching television shows on an actual television, as opposed to streaming through my laptop or via my nonexistent gaming system. a number of my friends have given up their cable subscriptions and, in some cases, their television sets, and now rely on streaming services (both of the paid and "omg this show just magically appeared on my hard drive lolz boom" varieties) to feed their tv show habits.

my acquiescence to technology is being a firm believer in the power of dvr. if all goes according to current plan, my next crashpad will have cable, but i will be sans dvr for the first time in years. right now i'm keeping up with "the newsroom" by watching it at the aforementioned crashpad via on demand. i'm amused by the #firstworldproblem-ness of it all. :P

i finished watching the first season of "house of cards" this morning. how'd i manage such a feat, considering that it's a netflix show and i just admitted to not having a netflix account? i rented the dvd set from the library. told y'all i was retro like that. i probably won't see "orange is the new black" until it comes out on dvd for the same reason.

there are a slew of shows that my friends are huge fans of that i've never watched, like "mad men," "breaking bad," "it's always sunny in philadelphia," and "the walking dead." actually, that last one's not entirely accurate, b/c i've seen maybe 2.5 episodes of "the walking dead," which is enough for me to be like "oh hell no i'm not watching that on a regular basis b/c ZOMBIES." i keep saying that i'll catch up with them at some point, and everyone says "oh you can just watch on netflix or hulu," like that's something i could do. i mean, i could, but i'm not. not yet. anyway.

y'know what i am doing, though? tweeting while watching television. i am all about that live-tweeting life, as evidenced here. if i'm watching via dvr or on demand or, in the case of "house of cards," via dvd, i'll still tweet about the show. i suppose in that regard, i'm not all that retro.

which leads to the question/thesis i've been trying to get at: how are you watching television in the digital age? please to discuss in the comments.

this weekend was brought to you by sangria

it's true - you don't make friends with salad, but you can sure as hell enjoy your friends' company with a cup or 5 of sangria. cheers!

and as always, folks, please drink responsibly, unless you're like me and don't have to worry about driving anywhere, in which case you can drink somewhat irresponsibly but still be able to get yourself home safely and in one piece. :-)

strange fruit

so i finally got around to listening to india.arie's new album a few days ago. i was marginally excited b/c i'd gotten the opportunity to see her perform live a while back at a listening/preview party, and there were a couple of songs that i remembered liking, and i was right.

what i didn't realize until listening to the album, though, was that india.arie did a cover of "strange fruit," the song made famous and damn near iconic by billie holiday. thanks to the powers of teh interwebz, you can see/hear billie for yourself:



i was taken aback by india.arie's version b/c it sounded a little too upbeat for my tastes. i can't find a linkable version of the whole song, but you can listen to a snippet of it here.

i'm sure i was on the bus making all kinds of weird faces while this was coming through my headphones, b/c holy cognitive dissonance batman!

i mean, it's not a bad song per se, but when i think of "strange fruit," i don't necessarily think of a dance tune. that could just be me, though.

no means no

(note: i am issuing a trigger warning for this post due to stalker-ish behavior. please govern yourselves accordingly. thanks.)

no means no. no does not mean attempting to figure out their schedule so you can "just happen" to be at their job or standing outside of their class "just to say hi." no does not mean calling their place of employment over and over again hoping that you'll get a chance to talk to them. i know i don't need to remind my enlightened readers of certain rules of engagement, but apparently other assclowns out there need a refresher course.

one of my co-workers got asked out by a patron. they declined. patron somehow became fixated. kept asking. started calling work asking for co-worker. came in to check out books and return books damn near every day hoping that co-worker would be there. it's gotten to the point where all of us know enough of what's going on to run interference.

(actually, remember the patron in the first story here? same patron as the one i'm venting about tonight.)

things came to a head today. during my shifts this week, i've seen this patron in and out a half-dozen times if i've seen them at all. my co-worker was already having a shitty week and when we first saw the patron today, i did what i normally do in these situations - told co-worker to disappear and that one of us would handle them. that got difficult as the day progressed, b/c this patron kept showing up. co-worker dealt with them a couple of times while our manager was nearby. patron didn't try asking for another date this time.

nope. this time, toward the end of the day, patron gave our manager a letter to give to co-worker. manager gave the letter to security b/c of "holy shit there might legit be something wrong with this patron" reasons. co-worker had a mini-breakdown. we all walked co-worker out of work today where their ride was waiting b/c shit had officially gotten real.

i walked to the train and pissed off doesn't even begin to cover where my emotions were at that point. then i started having flashbacks to freshman year, when some fucktard tried to hit on my then-bff and wouldn't take her no as an answer, so then he started showing up outside of her classes. would randomly appear at events/meetings she'd be attending. we made all kinds of reports but since he hadn't technically done anything wrong, there was nothing the administration could do...until he left a note on her dorm room door and we realized that he'd somehow gotten into her room and moved a couple of things around.

luckily, we had friends on the other side of campus that we both crashed with that night - her b/c she in no way felt safe in her room, and me tagging along b/c there was no way in hell that i was going to let her out of my sight that night.

more reports and meetings with administration followed. dude got a reprimand of some sort. he was graduating that year, if memory serves, and therefore there wasn't a need to, y'know, suspend or expel him or anything. that and i think his parents were relative bigwigs and had more clout than a couple of lowly freshmen did.

and even though my then-bff and i don't talk now, i still have a bit of survivor's guilt w/r/t this situation b/c the assclown in question tried to hit on me first. if my then-boyfriend hadn't been at the party with us, fucktard might've tried escalating shit with me. instead, he moved on, and essentially drove both me and my then-bff to a level of crazy and paranoia that neither of us wanted or needed to deal with for the rest of that school year.

suffice it to say that i have a very low tolerance for stalker-ish behavior. my then-bff didn't deserve that drama from damn near 20 years ago, my co-worker doesn't deserve the shit now, but these perpetrators deserve every last little bit of retribution i can rain down on them and then some, b/c fuck that.

can you tell that i have a very low tolerance for people who fuck with me and/or my friends? i know i joke a lot about flipping tables on folks' behalf, but i really will do that shit in real life if it came to it. i've said it before and i'll say it again now: fuck with me and mine at your own fucking peril.

diddy the diabolical strikes again!

so back in the day, keidra and i would give our quasi-mst3k treatment to making the band, particularly the danity kane and day26 editions. at one point we started referring to sean combs as diddy the diabolical, b/c we couldn't believe that we kept watching the drama that he was creating in trying to put a music group together. part of me still can't listen to "end of the road" w/o remembering this "classic" showdown:

god, i'm laughing all over again now. good times. and now danity kane is making a comeback and...oh, hell, i can't even finish typing whatever the rest of this sentence was going to be w/o laughing. shit. it's 2013 and the fact that i am writing about danity kane and day26 is just too much. someone find donnie klang so we all know it's real.

gotta get over the hump

my to-do list has at least 4 blog post ideas on it, but i don't have the energy to tackle any of them right now. a shame, really, since i'm sure some of y'all had grown accustomed to seeing new content here every day in august so far. besides, i'm guessing that you guys don't want to read my whining about hormonal ennui and how mother nature has pwned me today, so i'll spare you.

i'm not giving up on #31writenow yet - just owning up to the fact that i don't have a full-blown post in me at the moment. it's entirely possible that posting will be light for the next few days, unless a combination of inspiration and time to write strikes. stay tuned.

fun with job applications, part who knows b/c why won't someone hire me for a full-time gig already?

a few weeks ago, i was filling out yet another online job application and uploading yet another copy of my resume, but thankfully not copying/pasting information from my resume into the same application b/c applications that ask you to fill in job history boxes after you've already uploaded your resume are the worst. this was not one of those applications.

no, this was an application that asked for an essay. not just any essay, mind you. a 150 to 300 word treatise on the following:

"write a first-person description of a turtle’s greatest accomplishment from the perspective of the turtle."

i'm not making this up, people. i did make up an answer on the spot, though, and since i recently received a rejection e-mail from the job in question, i figure it's ok to share my (admittedly mediocre at best) answer with you.

"My greatest accomplishment to date? Staying alive. Sure, most folks see the cartoon version of me "racing" against some zany rabbit and beating them to the finish line, but that's not real. Real life for me is avoiding an overzealous kid who wants to see what might happen if s/he tries to snap off one of my limbs, or, better yet, take off my shell. Parents, please don't let your kids grow up to be cowboys, or animal torturers, for that matter. I'm still recovering from what happened to Todd a few years back. Poor guy. We didn't always see eye-to-eye on things but no one deserves a fate like his.
 Yup, every day that I'm able to open my eyes and appreciate my surroundings is a good one, unless those surroundings include cars whizzing by me. That's part of what happened to Todd, poor fella. Some kid did all kinds of weird experiments on him and then set him loose in 4 lanes of rush-hour madness. It was just...
 I'm sorry. I don't mean to get emotional like this, but I'm sure you can understand how witnessing something like that can really stay with you. Now...what was the question?"

not even close to my best work, and probably serves as further proof that i shouldn't fill out job applications late at night, which is advice we should all try to live by, no?

51

james would have been 51 today. at some point during my thursday night/friday morning dreams, there was a sequence that involved james. i'll spare y'all the details but i woke up laughing, and i really think that was why i was so determined to have a good day on friday despite all efforts to the contrary.

i got to work on friday with just enough time to spare to call carol and say hi, b/c 1) i hadn't talked to her in a while and therefore she could hear my voice and know that i'm still alive, and 2) i was still laughing about james' latest appearance in my dream. i told her about it, she laughed, and then she pointed out that it totally made sense for him to be on our minds more than usual b/c his birthday was coming up. i'm sure my brain had made that connection on some subconscious level, but it didn't really click until she said it.

my co-workers were slightly taken aback by my commitment to positivity on friday. i was not going to let anyone ruin my mood. in hindsight, you could say that this was my unofficial theme song for friday:



today? it's too early to tell what my theme song will be today. hell, it's too early to tell much of anything right now, especially considering that i'm writing this in bed and have every intention of going back to sleep as soon as i'm done.

but first...happy birthday, james. if heaven's real, hopefully the angels are putting together a kick-ass concert for you.

on: safe passages

the new "safe passages" signs are starting to pop up around chicago. the fact that 50 chicago public schools were closed but hey, let's spend money on signs that will probably have a minimal effect on curbing crime and violence around schools is just...ugh.
i was all set to write a screed in rahm's direction, but then i remembered that melissa harris-perry dedicated one of her "open letters" to mayor emanuel not too long ago, so i figured we could all watch it (again) and go from there.

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recipe redux: white bean soup with sausage and collards

so when i originally tried this recipe out, i figured it'd be a one-and-done kind of deal.

the other day, i picked up some bacon sausage (yes, such a thing exists and it's as delicious as you think it is) from urban orchard. my plan was to cook something today and hopefully have leftovers for after work tomorrow, b/c i am usually exhausted by the time i get home on sundays and don't want to expend my limited energy on cooking.

on thursday, i started thinking about meal possibilities for today. i went on big fork's site to see if they had any recipes that would inspire me, and while i totally plan on making the black-eyed peas and bacon sausage at some point, i wasn't really in the mood for it at that point in time.

but then i figured that using bacon sausage as a substitute for italian sausage could work in a soup, hence today's recipe redux. i used the hickory and applewood bacon sausage and removed most of the casings while crumbling it into bite-size pieces. the onion stayed the same, and i once again used a 16oz  bag of frozen cut leaf spinach b/c collard greens weren't available at jewel, and neither was kale, and neither was broccoli rabe. i smashed most of the beans with my hands, i only used 3.5 cups of water, and i skipped the red-wine vinegar again. oh, and i used salt, pepper, and a bit of garlic powder - no measurements b/c i was just eyeballing it.

this version of the soup might've been better than the initial batch. it's also possible that i was hungrier today b/c all i'd eaten was some popcorn and a bagel, and therefore anything substantive would have been deliciously wonderful. and i have leftovers for tomorrow and monday, assuming that i don't dip into any of them later tonight. i might have to make this again, maybe with the cracked black pepper bacon sausage.

happy birthday bff!

nothing i write this morning will be as eloquent as what i wrote 2 years ago. actually, nothing i write between now and whenever i eventually go to bed tonight will be as eloquent as the post i did 2 years ago. the only thing i can come up with right now is "happy birthday! god, we're old." which is true, but you see how it lacks a certain...well, eloquence. wait, eloquence is a word, right? brb, checking teh googlez...

ok, eloquence is a word. i wasn't sure. hey, it's early and i'm kinda in denial about having to work today. but it's friday and as long as the normal friday crew shows up, work shouldn't suck too badly.

but today is not about me! it's about my bff, who really is one of my most favorite people in the history of everything. thank you for not giving up on me. thank you for being there to talk me into or talk me out of things. thank you for being a sounding board. thank you for being you. i love you like i love ll cool j and books and chocolate and alone time, which, as most of y'all know, is saying a lot.

here's to a year of awesome things b/c god knows we both deserve it. :-)

dance break & other ways to unwind

i'm sure you've all seen this 5 times already, but you should go ahead and watch stephen colbert and jeff bridges and matt damon (among others) dance to daft punk's "get lucky."

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oh, and jenni over at chronicbabe put together a "100 ways to reboot" download that may be of interest to some of you. happy thursday. :-)

skating down memory lane

i had the foresight to record last night's "nine for ix," which was about katerina witt's rise to stardom. i watched it this morning and learned that katerina & her coach essentially made a deal for her professional freedom - if katerina won gold at the 1988 olympics, the east german government would give her permission to continue her skating career. she won gold and then went on to shoot "carmen on ice" in spain with brian boitano, which led to this exchange on twitter:

@queeneulalia http://t.co/PNuVk3NfCn

— Brian Boitano (@BrianBoitano) August 7, 2013

pre-teen me had no idea about the political drama going on backstage at the '88 olympics, though. i was all about debi thomas. i still can't skate to save my life but debi thomas was (ok, still kinda is) one of my idols. here's her long program from the '88 olympics:

and while i was remembering that, a memory from crc came back to me of a group of us watching the '98 games and actively rooting for surya bonaly to do a backflip. in our defense, bonaly was already out of medal contention and she knew it, which kinda makes the backflip even more awesome as a "fuck you" move:

can't write a real post b/c i haz the brain-dead

i mean, i could bitch about the annoying guy i dealt with at work today, but i tweeted about that earlier. ugh, tuesdays, especially tuesdays when i'm supposed to be working on job apps (like right now) after work.

i suppose it could be worse. back when i was in quasi-nanny mode, every other tuesday would look like this: get the kids' breakfast going if they hadn't already eaten, go to work, come home and give the kids dinner, make dinner or at least help with dinner prep, get the kids to bed (which might've included a bath), eat, maybe clean up a bit, and then go up and work on job apps until i passed out. exhausting, i tell you. at least now i can just come home after work and then do job apps after dinner and a bit of procrastination.

so, yeah. brain-deadness, i haz it. is brain-deadness even a word that exists? i don't know and i think i'm too tired to care, and besides, i need to send out my updated resume to people who will hopefully be dazzled by my skills and make me a job offer i can't refuse. whee!

how the internet has changed the way i read

back in the day, i would read a magazine or newspaper and if i saw something interesting, i'd cut it out and save it for future reference. if i came across a word in a book or in an article that i didn't quite understand, i'd grab my dictionary and look it up.

now? i can barely flip through a magazine w/o having my laptop handy so i can look up things as i'm reading. if there's a book or article mentioned that i want to investigate, i research it right then and there. i have a folder of articles that eventually i will print out and read b/c they're just a little too long for my a.d.d. tendencies to tolerate reading in one sitting. a good chunk of the books i read are from reviews i've read online, or from recommendations via twitter and other folks' blogs/tumblrs/etc. if i'm reading a book and see a word/phrase that's new to me, off to the laptop or to my phone to look it up.

and let's not even get into how teh interwebz have changed the way i cook. i have a metric fuck-ton of recipes saved on my computer, thanks to reading magazines and cookbooks and being able to copy/paste and/or save pdf files. whenever i'm ready to try a new recipe out, i do a search of my folder first, and then i dig through the folder of hard-copy recipes i have stashed. that's not counting the binders of recipes that are packed away in a box somewhere. i may or may not have a problem.

so, yeah. remember when folks were worried about the internet having a negative impact on reading habits? not for me! i definitely read more, i think, and my reading material has become more varied/diverse. thanks, al gore! :P

football's back, but it's not like i need to worry my pretty little head about it

so i was flipping through the september issue of family circle the other night when i came across this gem:

"Game Plan
Football season kicks off this month, but that doesn't mean you have to be glued to the TV screen. Let the guys get their game on while you organize a girlfriend get-together to celebrate National Rum Punch Day (September 20). Think of it as the BFF Bowl."

um, WHAT?

so of course i had to take to twitter to vent some of my outrage:

"football season kicks off (in sept.), but that doesn't mean you have to be glued to the screen." actually, that's exactly what it means.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) August 1, 2013

that same snippet says to let the guys get their game on while i organize a girlfriend get-together for national rum punch day on 9/20.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) August 1, 2013

um, september 20 is on a friday, so unless the guys in question are watching high-school football, this is all moot and also kinda sexist.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) August 1, 2013

@FamilyCircleMag also, the blurb on p. 20 of the september issue about national rum punch day? kinda sexist.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) August 1, 2013

no response from family circle as of this writing. i mean, honestly. y'all know i love me some football, so much so that i'm typing this while the hall of fame game is on in the background even though i don't care about either team (#anyonebutdallas notwithstanding). and i definitely love football more than i love rum, which isn't saying much b/c i'm not that big of a rum fan, honestly, and if i were, i'd just get some of my fellow football-loving girlfriends together for a football and rum punch party b/c omg we're women and we like football and the next thing you know cats and dogs will be living together and down will be up and up will be sideways.

it's 2013, for fuck's sake. i have to hope that at least one family circle staffer read that copy and thought "hm, that's a little bit sexist," but decided not to rock the boat for whatever reason(s). i mean, it's bad enough that the nfl is trying to alienate its female fan base by restricting the size of bags that can be brought into stadiums, but now i need to give up on watching football altogether and go have a hen party so the guys aren't disturbed during that game? allow me to quote from "the wire" here:
 

 my name is eulalia, i'm a woman, and i like football. fuck you and anyone else who thinks that's impossible.

and now, your moment of lolz for the day

one bonus of waking up earlier than necessary on saturday is that i get to take a shower and get dressed in time to watch the melissa harris-perry show, aka #nerdland. during today's show, kim, nick, and i have been entertained by some of the commercials, like the dura wallet. i mentioned the wax vac, which is really one of the most hilarisad commercials i've seen in recent memory, and it turned out that kim & nick hadn't seen it, and then kim found this gem, and omg you guys are so NOT ready for the things you are about to see:

like taking food from a 6 y.o.

i didn't think today was a rough day at work, but by the time i was halfway home, i was sleepy and hungry and just wanted to eat something and go to bed. since i haven't been grocery shopping in what feels like forever and since i was feeling extra lazy, it was quite possibly going to be a toast for dinner kind of night.

but then i remembered the stash of chicken nuggets in the freezer. i asked elena if she'd be willing to share some with me, since i was really tired and didn't feel like cooking. elena said yes, i thanked her, and then proceeded to sit on the couch for a good 10 minutes b/c i was exhausted and couldn't drag myself into the kitchen.

after i actually got up and ate the aforementioned chicken nuggets (delicious, by the way, and they were shaped like dinosaurs and therefore were even more awesome, thank you very much), the following conversation happened on twitter:

@queeneulalia It should be about taking food from a six year old.
— William Lee (@therealwilllee) August 3, 2013

and since i really was/am too tired to think of anything else, i decided to go with it and here we are.

out of the mouths of other people

i went to the movies to see fruitvale station after work today. i'd planned on seeing it earlier, but i needed to let some more time elapse after the zimmerman verdict so i wouldn't be an angry sobbing mess. spoiler alert: that said, i was still throwing my hands up in the air and kicking the back of the empty seat in front of me out of frustration when the bart cops started in on oscar and his friends. end spoiler alert

during the end credits, while i was trying to wipe the tears from my face so i could see well enough to dig into my purse for my bottle of aleve b/c a migraine had decided to take hold during the last half-hour or so of the movie, an older couple behind me were having a discussion that, when i tuned in, went from being surprised about octavia spencer being a co-executive producer to the following exchange:

"actually, i'm kind of surprised that they didn't go into more detail about the aftermath of what happened."

"well, there's really nothing more to say, is there?"

i had to leave the theater after that b/c my head was really pounding and i felt a wave of migraine-induced nausea coming on and i was still trying to get my tears down to a respectable trickle, but also because a part of me wanted to turn around and yell "yes, there is still plenty more to say!"

there is still plenty more to say, and to do, and to watch, and to listen to, and to pray about if you're into that kind of thing. 

a note for any other daddy's girls who've lost their fathers and who haven't seen the movie yet (and i suppose this warrants another spoiler alert): the footage of tatiana grant at the end of the movie may very well reduce you to a puddle of tears. i think i'd just about managed to calm down by the time she appeared on screen and i started bawling all over again.

i think a waaambulance may be needed

so i found out tonight that former mayor daley has been dating someone for about 6 months. good for him. i'm sure maggie wouldn't want him to spend the rest of his days lonely. a couple of surprising things (well, to me, anyway) about the mayor's new "friend" - she's black (whoa) and she's 30 years his junior.

i'll be 37 in december, which means this young woman is only 4 years older than me. a woman in my demographic (well, age-wise, anyway - this woman's a doctor, for fuck's sake) is dating someone 30 years her senior.

30 years. what the hell?

i always said that my dating age cutoff would be 10 years older than me. any more than that and my "friend" would be close to james' age...or rather james' age if he were still alive (sigh), and that would just freak me out to no end.

even if i were ready to date, which i'm not, as previously discussed here, i'm definitely not ready to date men 30 years older than me. is this what i have to look forward to? dating men who are old enough to be my father? men who are older than my oldest brother? b/c, you know, dating isn't difficult enough as it is, but now i have to theoretically be prepared for old-ass men to try to holla at me? seriously? as much as i joke about wanting a sugar daddy with benefits and a pension plan, i'm not actually trying to date that far above my age bracket. this is bullshit!

and as i came to this (anti-) epiphany, i realized that i was kind of making a big fucking deal (s/o to crazy uncle joe biden) about nothing. hence the waaambulance. i'm sure people in higher socioeconomic brackets date older folks all the time and it's not a big thing for them. hell, a lot of y'all have dated and/or married people who are older than you, but not by 30 years, dammit. that's just crazy and why does it have to be this way and...sorry. that's why the waaambulance is here.

stories from work, part who the hell knows b/c i haven't been keeping track

story 1:

i get a phone call from a patron who says they'd paid some fines within the past week and need a refund. i explain that those requests need to be handled in person by a manager or supervisor, i give them the name of that day's supervisor and how long they'll be around, and the patron hangs up.

later in my shift, my co-worker gets a call from this same patron, who explains that they've paid ~$20 in fines within the past week and they need a refund. co-worker asks if we were in error somehow - did we charge them for a lost item that was actually on the shelf, or did they return an item that they'd previously paid for, etc. no, says the patron, the fines were accurate. they just need the money back b/c they're short on cash and so if we could just refund the money on their card, they'll pay us back later.

co-worker asks for clarification/confirmation that the patron did indeed ask for a refund b/c they're a little light in the wallet, tells them that no, we can't do that, and gives them the name of the supervisor who'll be in the next day b/c this patron is not taking no for an answer, apparently.

i check in with a different co-worker and find out that the patron called twice and that day's supervisor confirmed that no, we couldn't give them back their money w/o a valid reason.

yet another co-worker compared it to going to a restaurant, ordering and enjoying a lovely meal, and then telling the waiter that you're short on cash and you'll pay them later. i said it'd be like calling your phone company and telling them you need a partial refund on the bill you've already paid for that month, but that you'll totally give them their money back later. we all agreed it'd be like paying a friend back the money you'd borrowed from them, and then asking for some of it back that same week.

this is particularly entertaining to me b/c i'm also light on cash this week (seriously, payday can't get here soon enough even though most of my check's already earmarked for various expenses), but i wouldn't think of calling verizon and asking for some of my cell phone bill money back.

story 2:

a couple comes up to the desk with their young child. they tell my co-worker that it's their first time, and we're both thinking they're going to ask about setting up new accounts. nope.

"so...we've heard this is a popular place. why do people like coming here so much?"

co-worker explains that we have a variety of programs for children, and a whole children's section including a play area, and, you know, books and stuff. the couple is then directed to the children's area so they can check it out for themselves and ask any of the children's librarians questions.

the couple heads over, completely unimpressed. we keep an eye on them and they spend less than 5 minutes in the children's section before leaving. we then collapse laughing b/c the tone of their question was so absurd. we don't work in a trendy nightclub or a popular restaurant. it's a library. it's popular b/c people like to check out books and movies and cds and audiobooks. they like using the computers. yeah, it's weird that people actually wait outside for the building to open first thing (i've seen it countless times now and it's never not amazing to me), but i've given up on trying to figure that out.

i think the next time i go to a fast-food restaurant, i'm gonna ask a similar question and see what happens.

both of these stories happened within the past 48 hours, btw. i couldn't make this stuff up if i wanted to.

oh, and speaking of stories - remember frank and ethel? i saw ethel the other day for the first time in what felt like forever. she and frank are both doing well.

recipe review: pork ribs hunters-style

i went grocery shopping late last week and there were country-style pork ribs on sale, so i bought some thinking that i'd throw them in the slow cooker. then i looked at my calendar and realized that my weekend schedule wasn't really conducive to making dinner, so i waited until today.

in the meantime, i went through my hundreds of recipes b/c i felt like trying something new. not that the bbq ribs i tend to make in the crock-pot aren't nomtastic, but, y'know, these recipes aren't going to test themselves.

then i stumbled on this recipe that i'd saved from a cookbook i'd read a while back. never mind that i had to make a separate trip to the store for some of the key ingredients, b/c of course i couldn't plan ahead enough to find the recipe and update my shopping list accordingly. ugh. i used to be good about that kind of thing and i've fallen the fuck off. gotta do better.

anyway...i made it for dinner tonight and it didn't suck. i used one large yellow onion instead of 2 medium ones, tomato sauce instead of tomato puree b/c no way was i going to buy a whole 28oz can of tomato puree when i only needed a cup, 4 tablespoons of garlic paste b/c i tend not to measure garlic, italian seasoning instead of herbes de provence, and cinnamon instead of allspice b/c i realized this morning during my prep that there wasn't any on hand and so i had to ask the internet for a substitute. oh, and i skipped the parsley. everything else was pretty much according to the recipe. i was gone for a good chunk of the afternoon and therefore wasn't able to check on things until the 8 hours were pretty much done. i'm sure i could've stopped the cooking at about 7-7.5 hours and been fine, but such is life.

the "aaron sorkin" theory of television viewing

that clip from "the newsroom" i posted last night reminded me of a conversation i had with j while i was still living "up north." we'd both gotten hooked on the show and we both appreciated "the west wing," which naturally led into a discussion of aaron sorkin's genius or relative lack thereof. j mentioned that he started watching "psych" because of dulé hill, who'd previously been on "the west wing." my initial attraction to "parenthood" wasn't just b/c of the movie, but b/c of peter krause (a "sports night" alum) and lauren graham. yes, i know "gilmore girls" wasn't an aaron sorkin production, but it led to my theory that if an actor who was previously on a show you loved, you're likely to watch their new show, and that show will probably become a new favorite for you. the aaron sorkin connection that j & i figured out is that if an actor was previously on an aaron sorkin show, you're likely to watch them in just about anything within reason.

here's a few examples:

lauren graham: gilmore girls to parenthood
josh charles: sports night to the good wife
peter krause: sports night to parenthood
joshua malina: sports night to scandal

one exception to the rule: felicity huffman. loved her in "sports night" but i just could not get into "desperate housewives."

i'm sure i'm missing some connections, but i'm still kinda out of it from last night's emotional regurgitation. yeah, that's it. :P

sometimes i need to revisit shit while hashing out shit & other shit b/c apparently i really felt like saying shit in this title

from a post last fall:

"i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway."

holy hell does all of that still ring true months later, especially the part about getting sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall. that might be some of the realest  shit i've ever written publicly.

and here's some more real shit (and honestly, it's ok if you close this window if you don't wanna journey down whatever meandering path my emotions are leading me on right now) - i am really sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c no one will be there to catch them.

let me be clear. this is not saying that none of you would help me reassemble my life. hell, my life wouldn't be in the relatively good shape it's in right now if some of y'all hadn't stepped up when i really needed you. i love you guys forever for that, and i hope that's not ringing on deaf ears. i hope i'm not sounding ungrateful, b/c i really am thankful for all of you.

but that's not what i mean when i say that no one will be there to catch my pieces if i let them fall. you know how certain single people will reassure their friends and themselves when they say something like "i'm alone but not lonely?" fuck that shit, yo. i'm not entirely convinced those people have ever had a meaningful romantic relationship, and if they have, they need to write all of the relationship books and make the rest of us read them so we can learn how to cope with loneliness, b/c let me tell you, it's a bitch and a half sometimes.

people ask me why i'm not dating yet and i just have to crack up laughing. look at me, people. i'm a soon to be 37 y.o. broke as fuck woman who's currently typing this from her friends' guest room b/c i still can't afford a place of my own b/c i haven't landed a full-time job yet. the fuck do i look like trying to date someone right now? the hell am i bringing to the table? my looks and personality can only go so far. i want to be able to ditch a bad date and be able to pay my way home w/o worrying about busting my budget. i'd like to have the option of entertaining a gentleman caller in my own abode, thank you very much. why on god's green earth would i even consider dating right now?

and yet my heart sometimes overrules my logic, and that's where the loneliness comes in. being the relationship veteran that i am, i know how wonderfully amazing it can be to be in love and feel like you have a partner who has your back. i kinda miss that. i miss having that one special person. will it happen again for me? i hope so. maybe not in the matrimonial sense, but we know what happened the last time i made any sort of public vows and therefore i'm not gonna tempt fate.

have i said too much? i've probably said too much and now some of you will be looking at me with pity and i might have to punch you in the face b/c the last thing i want or need from anyone is pity. fuck your pity. your pity can go have all the seats. pretend i'm godzilla in this comic and your pity is one of those japanese hornets. do not want.

slightly back on topic - loneliness is real, particularly when you're dealing with a metric fuck-ton of shit that you'd rather not burden your friends with. instead, you deal with the aforementioned metric fuck-ton of shit the best way you know how, and sometimes you're successful, and sometimes you break down, and you have to be ok with it. you have to be ok with picking up the pieces yourself b/c you have no idea if/when someone else is going to come along holding a dustpan so you can sweep everything up. this is what i tell myself, anyway. would it be nice to have someone helping to pick up the pieces of my life? absolutely. not very high on my priority list at the moment, though. doesn't mean i can't give voice to it occasionally.

and now i will leave you with one of my favorite scenes from the first season of "the newsroom" b/c the voices in my head have deemed it appropriate to do so. g'night.

"what shall i tell my children who are black?"

one of the advantages of having been selected on a regular basis to read and/or recite things for church/school programs back in the day is that i still have certain poetic fragments floating around in my brain. this particular one has been floating around in my brain for the past few 12 hours or so, and since i'm unable to articulate an actual post about how i'm feeling at the moment, i will leave this poem here for y'all.

What Shall I Tell My Children Who Are Black?
by Margaret Burroughs

What shall I tell my children who are black
Of what it means to be a captive in this dark skin?
What shall I tell my dear one, fruit of my womb,
of how beautiful they are when everywhere they turn
they are faced with abhorrence of everything that is black.
The night is black and so is the boogyman.
Villains are black with black hearts.
A black cow gives no milk. A black hen lays no eggs.
Storm clouds, black, black is evil
and evil is black and devil's food is black...

What shall I tell my dear ones raised in a white world
A place where white has been made to represent
all that is good and pure and fine and decent,
where clouds are white and dolls, and heaven
surely is a white, white place with angels
robed in white, and cotton candy and ice cream
and milk and ruffled Sunday dresses
and dream houses and long sleek cadilacs
and Angel's food is white... all, all... white.

What can I say therefore, when my child
Comes home in tears because a playmate
Has called him black, big lipped, flatnosed and nappy headed?
What will he think when I dry his tears and whisper,
"Yes, that's true. But no less beautiful and dear."
How shall I lift up his head, get him to square
his shoulders, look his adversaries in the eye,
confident in the knowledge of his worth.
Serene under his sable skin and proud of his own beauty?

What can I do to give him strength
That he may come through life's adversities
As a whole human being unwarped and human in a world
Of biased laws and inhuman practices, that he might
Survive. And survive he must! For who knows?
Perhaps this black child here bears the genius
To discover the cure for... cancer
Or to chart the course for exploration of the universe.
So, he must survive for the the good of all humanity.

He must and will survive.
I have drunk deeply of late from the fountain
of my black culture, sat at the knee of and learned
from mother Africa, discovered the truth of my heritage.
The truth, so often obscured and omitted.
And I find I have much to say to my black children.
I will lift up their heads in proud blackness
with the story of their fathers and their father's fathers.
And I shall take them into a way back time
of kings and queens who ruled the Nile,
and measured the stars and discovered the laws of mathematics.
I will tell them of a black people upon whose backs have been built the wealth of three continents.
I will tell him this and more.
And knowledge of his heritage shall be his weapon and his armor;
It will make him strong enough to win any battle he may face.
And since this story is so often obscured,
I must sacrifice to find it for my children,
even as I sacrifice to feed, clothe and shelter them.
So this I will do for them if I love them.
None will do it for me.

I must find the truth of heritage for myself and pass it on to them.
In years to come, I believe because I have armed them with the truth,
my children and their children's children will venerate me.
For it is the truth that will make us free!

this was my theme song for most of the day yesterday

so i figured i might as well post it in lieu of actual content.