i have a confession to make. i got a little teary while boarding the metra train back to the 'burbs tonight. it's not that i haven't missed being in chicago before now, because i have. tears have been shed previously over not living here anymore, so this isn't anything new.
it's a combination of things, really. spending 10 days in the city i know and love with some of my favorite people (you know who you are and you're awesome and i love you like i love chocolate and reading and quiet time), plus dealing with yet another father's day w/o daddy even though a part of me really thinks that after 15 years, i shouldn't get as affected by this as i still do, plus feeling grateful for my new part-time gig even though i'm still hoping/praying for an additional part-time job or a full-time one so i can really try to set things in motion to get back to chicago on a permanent basis, plus feeling sad for my oldest brother who just laid his biological father to rest yesterday, which has to be extra-painful given that it's father's day weekend and now he's lost all three of his parents - our mom, my dad, who was technically his stepdad but i honestly don't remember that terminology ever being used, and now his biological father, who he just (re)discovered ~10 years ago - plus losing james a few years ago and i almost sorta kinda but not really wish that our relationship was such that i could call or email him and let him know that i know the shit hurts, but we're not in that space and therefore i feel like an asshole and why on earth do y'all let me run on like this?
so, all of that, plus the unshakable "i really should've been back by now and why the fuck is this taking so long" feeling of frustration i have, plus feeling like shit b/c i am stuck on the sidelines while a colleague/friend is trying to maneuver her mother's pending demise (i would really like cancer to die in a fucking fire right the fuck now), plus dealing w/some other feelings toward some other people that i know good and gotdamn well i have no business even trying to deal with right now b/c i really don't have the emotional and/or mental fortitude to go there, and yeah…i'm kinda surprised i haven't started bawling while i'm typing this on the train.
y'know what's weird, though? the whole time i've been writing this post, one of the voices in my head has been screaming at me for even considering sharing this with y'all. i will readily admit to not being superwoman, and damned if i'm gonna keep all of these feelings bottled up when i have a perfectly good outlet like this blog to get some shit off of my chest and out of my head. i mean, we all know i'm gonna (wo)man up and put on my big girl panties and keep plugging away until i'm back in chicago and am approaching something that could be construed as financial stability, but fuck. this shit is hard. it's really fucking hard and i am so fucking tired and sometimes the only thing that stops me from curling up into a ball and sobbing myself to sleep is knowing that y'all have my back and that some of y'all would, if i asked, quite literally kick my ass and make me get back in gear b/c you know me well enough to know that this is only temporary and for fuck's sake i've run on again. shit.
before i forget, though - and this is really important - please don't let my current insanity stop you from talking to me about any and all major shit (hell, even minor shit) that's going on with you. i really appreciate the fact that you don't want to add to my emotional distress by telling me your troubles/challenges/whatever, but we're friends, gotdammit, and if we can't share the highs and lows of our lives with each other, then we're all doing it wrong. i'll readily admit that i haven't been as communicative as i probably could've/should've been w/some of y'all lately, and i'm sorry. it's never been my intent to use my woes as an excuse to be (more) self-absorbed and uncaring. that's not what i want, and if you see me doing that shit, please tell me to cut it out, mmkay?
No comments:
Post a Comment