circles and cycles

there's a jewel w/in walking distance to my current abode. to get there, i take a shortcut that passes by a junior high school. not just any junior high school, though...the same junior high school that served as a campsite for day 2 of the breast cancer 3-day i walked in back in 2004. the same junior high school i decided not to sleep at that night b/c i was so tired and so close to home that i asked troy in advance to get someone pick me up from the school and drive us home so i could shower and pass out. the same junior high school where the sweep van deposited me and some other walkers b/c we were damn near delirious with exhaustion and there was a storm coming and they were worried about our safety and i sobbed all the way back to that junior high school b/c i hadn't technically finished the mileage for that day even though at some points i literally fell asleep while walking. i was probably still crying when i saw troy and kim and nick and i think curcio was there too and maybe some other people i don't remember right now. i remember going to dinner w/troy and kim and nick, i remember going home, taking a shower, and going the fuck to sleep b/c i had to get up at some insane hour to catch a cab back to the junior high school. i remember the cab driver having no idea where the school was, and i really didn't either, but we made it eventually and i met up with the rest of my team and we grabbed some breakfast and headed out for the final day of the breast cancer 3-day. i remember making the decision to walk in the 2004 3-day b/c i'd volunteered for the past 3 or 4 years prior and i wanted to walk in at least one event. as it happens, 2004 also was the 20th anniversary of my mom's death. growing up, i'd always been told that she died of a heart attack, but i was probably in junior high or high school when someone (daddy, maybe? or maybe james? i dunno) said that she'd had breast cancer. 28 years later, and i can still tell you how the family broke the news of my mother's death to me. i can still remember bits and pieces of her funeral and how i tugged on my father's arm to get him to stand up when my mom's pastor asked any visitors to stand b/c the funeral was at my mom's church and daddy & i went to a different church and therefore, to my 7 y.o. mind, we were visiting even though we'd been there any number of times previously b/c my brothers also went to that church and greg was playing drums and mom was involved in who knows how many activities. so, yeah. i feel a little pang whenever i pass that junior high school to buy groceries. it's also the site for my nearest market day pickup, which, as i'm sure i've written about previously, reminds me of james. not in a bad way, mind you, but his not being here still hits me sometimes like it just happened.

and then sometimes i get even more emotional than usual b/c i find myself trying to figure out how i got to this place. how i came to be living this close to that junior high school, and how the woman of this house lost her 9-year battle with cancer this summer, and how i'm always like #fuckcancer b/c seriously, fuck cancer and if i have to explain that to you, well, then, fuck you too b/c clearly you haven't been paying attention to my life or the lives of anyone around us who's had to deal with cancer b/c cancer fucking sucks. there's not a week that goes by that i don't wish/hope/pray for better outcomes for my friends' mothers and fathers and relatives and friends and, when i'm feeling particularly low and selfish, for my own parents, b/c fuck cancer. and i wish i didn't have this housesitting gig b/c i'd much rather for my quasi-landlord to still have her mother around and living here instead of me. cancer's real evil like that, so fuck cancer.

there's someone at work who has a variation of the lung disease james had before he got really ill. i hear them complain about all the pills they have to take and how nothing works and since they already get on my nerves b/c they kinda suck at their job which makes my work life more difficult, i really want to punch them in the face even though it's not their fault and they're not intentionally setting out to remind me of james more than i already think of him. i wish james was still around to tell me about his latest drug regimen and how the steroids his doctor prescribed once made him go to popeye's and order an 12-piece box of chicken that he proceeded to eat in one sitting while his co-workers wondered aloud where their lunch was b/c they thought he was gonna share that box of chicken and how he hated feeling hungry and bloated and fat but if that's what he needed to go through to get better, then that's what he'd do. and since this co-worker and i aren't on super-friendly terms, i just nod whenever they start whining about how much their life sucks when i really want to yell at them to be grateful for whatever life they have b/c some people don't get the chance to live as long as we want them to, but then i walk away b/c y'all know i need this job more than a little bit and i'd rather not get fired on some bullshit.

i watched benji tonight and every 5-10 minutes or so, when i'd recover from a crying jag, i'd wish i could call james and ask him what he remembered. i was only 7 when ben wilson died. it was in 1984. the same year i lost my mother. ben winning the state championship happened right after my mom's funeral, give/take a week or two. i was 7 going on 8 that november. james had just turned 22. he would've remembered benji better than i would have or could have. i wanted to call james and have him take me down memory lane, to talk about benji and about our lives w/o our mother in those first few months. what was easter like for us that year? his birthday? thanksgiving? my birthday? christmas? i couldn't tell y'all if i wanted to what those first months were like b/c i don't remember, and the person who was closest to me in age isn't around anymore for me to ask, and i'd just start crying again. seriously, b/c benji and this week's episode of "parenthood," i have cried more while watching tv tonight than i probably do in a month or more.

and yet here i am. in this house i don't own or rent, brought here by circumstances i couldn't even begin to weave together in my wildest of imaginations. i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway.

i feel as though i should apologize to anyone who was hoping for yet another recipe review and not this emotional regurgitation, but in my defense, i did post 3 recipe reviews back-to-back-to-back, so it's not as if you're deficient in that area.

i'm going to get ready to call it a night now b/c i'm a bit emotionally exhausted (gee, i wonder why?) and b/c sleep for dessert always wins. see y'all later.