fun with job applications, part who knows b/c why won't someone hire me for a full-time gig already?

a few weeks ago, i was filling out yet another online job application and uploading yet another copy of my resume, but thankfully not copying/pasting information from my resume into the same application b/c applications that ask you to fill in job history boxes after you've already uploaded your resume are the worst. this was not one of those applications.

no, this was an application that asked for an essay. not just any essay, mind you. a 150 to 300 word treatise on the following:

"write a first-person description of a turtle’s greatest accomplishment from the perspective of the turtle."

i'm not making this up, people. i did make up an answer on the spot, though, and since i recently received a rejection e-mail from the job in question, i figure it's ok to share my (admittedly mediocre at best) answer with you.

"My greatest accomplishment to date? Staying alive. Sure, most folks see the cartoon version of me "racing" against some zany rabbit and beating them to the finish line, but that's not real. Real life for me is avoiding an overzealous kid who wants to see what might happen if s/he tries to snap off one of my limbs, or, better yet, take off my shell. Parents, please don't let your kids grow up to be cowboys, or animal torturers, for that matter. I'm still recovering from what happened to Todd a few years back. Poor guy. We didn't always see eye-to-eye on things but no one deserves a fate like his.
 Yup, every day that I'm able to open my eyes and appreciate my surroundings is a good one, unless those surroundings include cars whizzing by me. That's part of what happened to Todd, poor fella. Some kid did all kinds of weird experiments on him and then set him loose in 4 lanes of rush-hour madness. It was just...
 I'm sorry. I don't mean to get emotional like this, but I'm sure you can understand how witnessing something like that can really stay with you. Now...what was the question?"

not even close to my best work, and probably serves as further proof that i shouldn't fill out job applications late at night, which is advice we should all try to live by, no?