"i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway."holy hell does all of that still ring true months later, especially the part about getting sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall. that might be some of the realest shit i've ever written publicly.
and here's some more real shit (and honestly, it's ok if you close this window if you don't wanna journey down whatever meandering path my emotions are leading me on right now) - i am really sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c no one will be there to catch them.
let me be clear. this is not saying that none of you would help me reassemble my life. hell, my life wouldn't be in the relatively good shape it's in right now if some of y'all hadn't stepped up when i really needed you. i love you guys forever for that, and i hope that's not ringing on deaf ears. i hope i'm not sounding ungrateful, b/c i really am thankful for all of you.
but that's not what i mean when i say that no one will be there to catch my pieces if i let them fall. you know how certain single people will reassure their friends and themselves when they say something like "i'm alone but not lonely?" fuck that shit, yo. i'm not entirely convinced those people have ever had a meaningful romantic relationship, and if they have, they need to write all of the relationship books and make the rest of us read them so we can learn how to cope with loneliness, b/c let me tell you, it's a bitch and a half sometimes.
people ask me why i'm not dating yet and i just have to crack up laughing. look at me, people. i'm a soon to be 37 y.o. broke as fuck woman who's currently typing this from her friends' guest room b/c i still can't afford a place of my own b/c i haven't landed a full-time job yet. the fuck do i look like trying to date someone right now? the hell am i bringing to the table? my looks and personality can only go so far. i want to be able to ditch a bad date and be able to pay my way home w/o worrying about busting my budget. i'd like to have the option of entertaining a gentleman caller in my own abode, thank you very much. why on god's green earth would i even consider dating right now?
and yet my heart sometimes overrules my logic, and that's where the loneliness comes in. being the relationship veteran that i am, i know how wonderfully amazing it can be to be in love and feel like you have a partner who has your back. i kinda miss that. i miss having that one special person. will it happen again for me? i hope so. maybe not in the matrimonial sense, but we know what happened the last time i made any sort of public vows and therefore i'm not gonna tempt fate.
have i said too much? i've probably said too much and now some of you will be looking at me with pity and i might have to punch you in the face b/c the last thing i want or need from anyone is pity. fuck your pity. your pity can go have all the seats. pretend i'm godzilla in this comic and your pity is one of those japanese hornets. do not want.
slightly back on topic - loneliness is real, particularly when you're dealing with a metric fuck-ton of shit that you'd rather not burden your friends with. instead, you deal with the aforementioned metric fuck-ton of shit the best way you know how, and sometimes you're successful, and sometimes you break down, and you have to be ok with it. you have to be ok with picking up the pieces yourself b/c you have no idea if/when someone else is going to come along holding a dustpan so you can sweep everything up. this is what i tell myself, anyway. would it be nice to have someone helping to pick up the pieces of my life? absolutely. not very high on my priority list at the moment, though. doesn't mean i can't give voice to it occasionally.
and now i will leave you with one of my favorite scenes from the first season of "the newsroom" b/c the voices in my head have deemed it appropriate to do so. g'night.
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