now? i'm hoping to be back in chicago in time for football season, and i'm not even sure if that's going to happen. it's depressing as all hell, really. it's not as if i haven't been trying to move back, what with all of my job hunting and interviewing and babysitting and freelancing and other hustles. but, here i am, still unemployed with no regular income aside from my food stamps and still technically homeless.
i am trying not to complain. i know how good i have it, relatively speaking. i could be in a shelter or riding the red line all day and night with a suitcase or god knows what else. i'm lucky to know folks who would do whatever they could to make sure i didn't end up in a shelter or a permanent cta passenger. and at least i have 'net access so i can apply for jobs and post updates here and on twitter. and my cell phone is still on (barely) b/c of those babysitting and freelance gigs and donations. i get it. i'm blessed. no need to remind me.
and yet...it'd really be nice to take off this damned cape and let myself wallow for a bit. double bonus if there was someone who'd be willing to take some of this proverbial weight off of my shoulders. that's not how i am, though. like the other day, when a heat-and-hormonal induced migraine hit and i tried to keep moving through it, knowing that the best thing for me would be to take my meds and go the fuck to sleep. yeah, but since i only have a few meds left and am trying to save those for my really severe migraines, i popped a couple of tylenol instead and went on with giving the twins their dinner and cleaning up and whatnot until l basically demanded that i go upstairs and go to bed. so i did...for maybe an hour or so, until my stomach decided to join the migraine party and add nausea to the mix.
back downstairs i went, even though i knew i wasn't 100% better and probably looked as wobbly as i felt. didn't matter to me, though, b/c there was still "work" to do and i was still "on the clock" since the twins were still awake. (no, i'm not getting paid and no, i'm not punching in - this is all in my head. yes, i know i'm crazy.) even though l and her mom and j when he came home from work were all giving me that "why tf aren't you in bed?" look.
i did come back upstairs eventually, after making myself eat a pb&j and some sun chips (mmm...sun chips) and cleaning up the kitchen and loading the dishwasher and i forget what else.
why do i do this to myself? b/c my type a-minus personality won't let me be lazy and procrastinate all the time. b/c i'm a overachiever. b/c this isn't my house. do i live here? yes, for the moment, but it isn't mine. i'd feel a lot more comfortable doing a whole lot of nothing if i only had to be responsible for myself. if part of the deal didn't involve taking care of the kids and helping out around the house. but that's the deal, and damned if i'm gonna welsh on it.
and now i've forgotten where the hell i was going with this. oh, right - i'm not back in chicago full-time yet, despite my best efforts, i'm tired and thankful at the same time, and i'm looking forward to summer anyway b/c i'll be in the city for a couple of weeks off and on. and, y'know, if you ever wanna visit me here in the lovely north 'burbs, feel free. and there were probably at least two other points i wanted to make, but the twins will be up from their nap soon and i should wrap this up while it's still relatively quiet.
yeah. happy hump day.
