on: current wave of emo/nostalgia

i feel like i've been all over the place emotionally this week. it really hit me last night when i realized i'd gone to 3 different grocery stores for things (and still managed to forget something i wanted for tomorrow's dinner, smh) and how i really am my father's child, b/c he used to drive from store to store in search of the best deals. and then this morning, i was making breakfast and had another moment of channeling my father. to say i miss him would be an understatement, obviously. but then it all kinda clicked while i was watching melissa harris-perry and having my breakfast and looking at my twitter feed.

i got a haircut the other day (stay with me, folks, b/c i promise this is relevant) and it's been weirding me out for a couple of reasons. one, my hair hasn't been this short in a while and i'm dying to see how short it'll look when it's in its curly state. two, my timing for this haircut was damn near perfect b/c #summertimechi is upon us and one of the last things i want to deal with is my hair on my neck. it's hard enough being a fat girl in the summer - no need to add to the sweat.

and then the proverbial light bulb came on. the last time i can remember having my hair this short is the summer of 1998. i got it cut especially for graduation. somewhere i have a picture of me and james standing outside after i'd walked across the stage and my hair was about as short as it is now.

y'all. northwestern's commencement weekend is happening even as i type. it's been 15 years since graduation. i had an impromptu hangout with a fellow alum (and former football player) earlier this week and someone asked how long we'd known each other. we both started laughing as we said "19 years" and then realized, holy shit, we're old. i also thought that if we partied that hard on a tuesday night, there's no way my liver is going to survive homecoming. i'll have fun trying, though.

my father has been dead for 16 years. one of my regrets, and i admit it's a pointless regret to have b/c there's jack shit i could've done about it, is that daddy didn't get to see me walk across the stage and receive my northwestern degree. we both worked hard for it. after he died, james and i continued working hard so i could actually stay at northwestern b/c it was looking kinda impossible for a second there, but we did it. daddy and james and i did it and to this day, i hate that daddy wasn't there in person to see it. i also hate that i can't call james and tease him about being old, but that's a different story.

i'm looking forward to homecoming this fall for a lot of reasons. i just wish the two family members who helped me get through northwestern in the 1st place were around to indulge in this nostalgia with me.

(some of) the reasons why i fucks with sjb

omg you guys. today is softjunebreeze's birthday. she just happens to share a birthday with prince. i'm kinda hoping the faux prince account on twitter will wish her a happy birthday, b/c that would be awesome. it'd also be awesome if any of the real and/or fake joe biden accounts wished her a happy birthday. you'd think i'd have more pull with crazy uncle joe by now, given my ongoing desire for him to come to chicago so we can have all of the liquor and party hard andrew w.k. style, but no.

so, instead, i am writing a post in honor of sjb's birthday while i'm slightly unsober. b/c sjb would be like "fuck yeah!" b/c she's one of my key partners in shenanigans and fuckery and other decisions that may or may not be considered bad/poor in hindsight, but sound like "winnar!" at the time.

b/c sjb's one of the people who offered me their futon when i was couch-surfing (and not in the fun "vacation all i ever wanted" kind of way) back in 2011. b/c when i got ready to leave sjb's place and head over to my bff's house for the next portion of my couch-surfing, sjb was all "dude, take this cash so you can cab it from here to the metra station w/o having to worry about lugging that big-ass suitcase on the cta." i'm sure i thanked her at the time, but i'm not sure she knows how much that meant in real life. it meant a lot.

and did i ever tell y'all about the time sjb broke my brain when she said that mj's "billie jean" and cee-lo's "bright lights bigger city" were sorta kinda the same damn song? seriously. check it out for yourselves:

"billie jean"


"bright lights bigger city"


mind you, i may or may not have been unsober when she first told me about this, kinda like how i may or may not be unsober while i'm writing this post, but still.

oh, and if you've ever seen/heard me reference #leyomitwirl, it's b/c of sjb. she's the one who first showed me this classic:


i'm sure there's all kinds of youtube/other internet-based goodness that sjb put me on to that i'm forgetting, but, y'know, unsober. besides, i don't wanna totally embarass her. that would be rude.

y'know what's not rude, though? closing this post with this song that borrows from prince's "let's go crazy." i mean, it is also prince's birthday, so i might as well give him a shoutout, right? right.

so long, smash, the show we loved to hate

i know someone who auditioned for a minor role on smash back when it was "hey spielberg's about to do this tv show about broadway!" unfortunately, the timing didn't work out and this someone had to miss out on two seasons of compellingly crazy television.

that's really the best way to describe smash, i think. compellingly crazy. my friend kdc has written about the rise and fall and our (somewhat) good-natured hatred of smash in a more articulate way than i'm able to at the moment.

i remember talking to the aforementioned someone during the 1st season after the ridiculous church scene (not to be confused with the ridiculous bollywood scene, because oh yeah that shit fucking happened) and telling them that i was glad the universe had decided that they couldn't be a part of this clusterfuck b/c omg what a clusterfuck.

i watched the series finale earlier this afternoon, which was obviously filmed as a season finale before the show's cancellation. so entertainingly awful.

and speaking of entertainingly awful - this rendition of "under pressure" from the finale has kept me laughing for, i don't know, at least 2 hours.

inspirational cough drops; or why halls needs to stfu and let me be sick

i'm (hopefully) in the last stages of the plague a cough/cold that's been tormenting me. as part of my recovery, i've been using halls cough drops.

did you know that halls has started printing little slogans on the wrappers of their cough drops? the tag line is "a pep talk in every drop." that's actually the first thing i have an issue with. i don't want a pep talk when i'm taking a cough drop. i want all of the honey-lemon flavored mentholated goodness to soothe my throat and put an end, albeit temporary, to my coughing fit(s). that's it. i don't think i'm asking for too much here.

but no. halls wants to cheer my cold/cough on with witticisms such as these (and yes i saved a few wrappers so i could have some semblance of variety on this list):

• "don't give up on yourself." (ok, well, i suppose that's solid advice regardless of health status.)
• "tough is your middle name." (no, it's not. especially not when i'm sick. fuck you, halls.)
• "dust off and get up." (again, solid advice when i'm not sick, but right now? fuck you, halls.)
• "get through it." (well, i'm trying, hence the unwrapping and consumption of the cough drop.)
• "buckle down and push forth!" (fuck you, halls.)
• "push on!" (no, really, fuck you, halls.)
• "the show must go on. or work." (i am definitely guilty of donning my superwoman cape even when i'm not feeling 100%, but really, halls? fuck you.)
• "don't try harder. do harder!" (first of all, giggity. second of all, fuck you, halls.)

and, my all-time favorite most despised "pep talk" from halls:

• "let's hear your battle cry!"

dear halls: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS WITH THIS ONE? if i was capable of emitting a battle cry that didn't sound something like "omg everything hurts i can haz couch nao kthxbai," i wouldn't need the damn cough drop in the first place! i'd be able to wrest myself from couch or bed and punch you in the face for making such an asinine suggestion. fuck you, halls.

y'know what, though? i'm gonna keep taking halls b/c i still have another unopened bag and on some level, these pep talks are amusing to me. i still like the messages on my dove promises wrappers more, though. mmm...inspirational chocolate...

something something end of an era something something

i'm sure some, if not most, of y'all have heard about the school closings in chicago. what you don't know is that the 2 cps elementary schools i attended way back in the day are on that list. i knew that one of my alma maters (can an elementary school be referred to as an alma mater? it seems a bit weird, but whatever) was on the list, but i wasn't aware of the 2nd one until this afternoon when i revisited the full list.

so, farewell, dumas and pershing. dumas is where, if the administration had gotten its way, i would've skipped from kindergarten to 2nd grade. my mother won that battle, such as it was, and instead i skipped kindergarten and went to 1st grade. dumas is also where i drove teachers crazy with my "cursive" writing (read: adding tails to all of my letters). in first grade, we would sing "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" every morning. i still can't spell it, but i think i still remember most of the lyrics. i have no idea why our teacher thought singing a song from "mary poppins" was a vital part of our education, but that's neither here nor there.

my mother was already sick by the time i transferred to pershing in 2nd grade. i remember for certain assignments, we had to write our school's full name at the top of our papers. do you know how hard it was to squeeze my name and "john j. pershing magnet school for the humanities," plus whatever other heading details, in that upper right-hand corner of notebook paper? it was hard.

my 2nd grade teacher (mrs. kloak, if memory serves correctly) wrote me a special note when i came back to school after my mother died. at the end of the year, she wrote notes for all of us and i think mine is still in my scrapbook. i also remember some kids talking about my mother's death and saying that she had cancer. i was adamant in defending her from that, somehow, and saying that she'd died of a heart attack, which is what i was told.

i was in high school by the time daddy told me the truth, that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer. i think we were on a road trip - maybe to st. louis to visit my grandmother? who knows? all i know is that i looked at him that day like he was an alien. maybe everyone thought a 7 y.o. was too young to know about cancer? who knows? longtime readers/friends know that my family is nothing if not dysfunctional, so this was par for the course.

so, yeah. my parents are gone and the cps schools i went to are gone and something something end of an era something something.

oh, and fuck cancer, btw.

Money train: Metra stops and income levels

i was catching up on news/headlines before i call it a night and saw this interactive graphic from the folks at crain's chicago business: Money train: Metra stops and income levels

(note: you might need a log-in or some sort of workaround if you're not already registered on their site.)

i thought it was an interesting take on income patterns throughout the region. admittedly i didn't spend that much time clicking around the map b/c i'm sleepy, but i thought y'all (esp. the ones who don't follow my twitter feed where this link has also been posted) would dig it.

and on that note, g'night.

moar fun with teh interwebz, part 85 bazillion

i swear i have at least 4 blog topics waiting to be tackled, but seeing as how i just spent the morning organizing files and paying bills and prepping for a phone interview, i figured i'd just throw this up here:

that's right, folks. the star of one of my favorite tv shows retweeted me on thursday night. it's not the first time a celebrity has replied to or retweeted me. hell, it's not even the first time kerry washington has acknowledged my twitter presence. i mean, the 1st time ll cool j interacted with me on twitter, i was pretty much in the clouds for the rest of the day. this particular one is entertaining to me, though, b/c kerry was live-tweeting "scandal" right along with the show's fans. one of my friends tweeted me saying "omg kw retweeted you," or something along those lines, and i was all "omg i know! squee!"

now i just have to convince crazy uncle joe to take me up on my numerous invitations to come hang out in chicago so we can go party. :-)

this concludes your fangirl moment for the day. have a great weekend!

recipe review: baked potatoes with sausage & arugula sauce

so i was talking to k last night about the surplus of potatoes currently in the kitchen, and i might have joked about finding something to do with them that didn't involve turning all of them into mashed potatoes. not that i'm against mashed potatoes, mind you. i love mashed potatoes. mashed potatoes are proof that god loves me & wants me to be happy and fat.

but i digress just a bit. i decided to check my recipe folder on my computer for recipes that involved potatoes. don't ask me how many results came up, though. it's almost embarrassing.

this recipe, though, seemed like a winner. my usual rule of thumb is that if i like all of the ingredients in a recipe, then i will probably like the finished product. i was right with this one.

here are my changes/substitutions: i used mild italian sausage - pork, not turkey, b/c that's what was available at the meat counter when i went to the store. i used a bag of a spinach and arugula blend instead of all arugula or all spinach. regular readers know that i rarely measure garlic, and this was no exception since i was working with pre-minced garlic. let's say i used, oh, i don't know, a tablespoon or so? something like that? yeah. oh, and i bought shredded parmesan cheese instead of grated b/c i only wrote "parmesan cheese" on my shopping list and didn't realize my error until i was about to start cooking. oh, and i skipped the parsley. tomato-basil sauce and not marinara. the end.

i am SO making this again. i would put this sauce on top of some garlic bread and be a happy girl. 

i should note, though, that the 5 y.o. was not a fan of this, primarily b/c they're not a spinach fan. more for the rest of us.

also, y'know how sometimes a recipe says it serves 4 and you call bullshit afterward b/c it serves way more or way less than that in real life? this one actually yields 4 servings. period. no leftovers. still nom, though.

b/c i think we could all use a little levity right about now

and yes, this is another one of my "o hai here's a video b/c i can't manage to produce actual content right now" posts. i will hopefully catch up on writing within the next week or so, assuming that the world stops being fucking insane. until then, though, i give you crazy uncle joe earning my undying love and affection all over again, with the proverbial tip of the hat to sjb for the link:

yet another update on frank and ethel

yes, frank and ethel, the couple i talked about in my most recent post. i saw ethel at work today and that was pretty much the highlight of my day. i had to laugh b/c not even 30 minutes before ethel came in, i was talking to my co-worker about how i still hadn't seen frank & ethel recently. my guess was that they skipped their usual friday visit b/c we opened late due to a staff development meeting.

this afternoon, i'd gone in the back to work on something and as i was coming back to the desk, i saw ethel in line. my co-worker was about to call her over until she realized i was back and thankfully decided to let me catch up with ethel. both frank and ethel are fine. ethel was taking advantage of the relatively nice weather today and said that she'd be back on friday and was hoping she wouldn't see me b/c i need to play hooky and not be there every week (seriously, from her lips to god's ears). i said that i'd been hoping that we could close the library early today so everyone could take their books and go outside and read, but until then, i was stuck at work.

so, yeah. i got to spend a few minutes chatting with one of my favorite patrons and therefore today did not suck. and in case you missed it, i'm back in chicago as of yesterday, so really, this weekend was pretty spectacular. here's hoping the week maintains this current level of "yay."

a quick update on frank and ethel

y'all remember frank and ethel, right? the couple i told y'all about earlier this month? well, at least one of them came to the library yesterday. i missed seeing them, sadly, b/c i was working in the back and the one co-worker who knows about my attachment to frank & ethel wasn't around to alert me to their presence. i'm just glad that they're well enough to come check out books. hopefully i'll see them next week and i can stop worrying (as much) about them.

recipe review: white bean soup with sausage and collards

funny thing about tonight's dinner. when i was flipping through recipes and making my grocery list last night for something to do with the italian sausage i had in the freezer, i initially decided on this one. once i started reading through it in detail, though, i noticed that the recipe had its origins in another recipe. upon further review, i decided to go with the latter recipe b/c there was nothing about it that i didn't like, and updated my grocery list accordingly.

no frozen collard greens at the store, so i used a 16oz bag of frozen cut leaf spinach instead. i added about a teaspoon of minced garlic and used seasoned salt (i eyeballed it, so i can't give you a measurement on that one) instead of regular salt/pepper. i skipped the red wine vinegar b/c i didn't have any on hand. oh, and i used chicken stock instead of water.

this soup never really reached the "slightly thickened" stage for me. still nom, mind you, but i was looking for a thicker consistency and it just didn't happen. maybe i should've (s)mashed more of the beans? i dunno. there's enough leftovers for my lunch tomorrow and at least 1-2 more meals after that, so maybe it'll set up more while in the fridge and it won't be as, well, soupy. :P

recipe review: smothered green beans with new potatoes

i was making my grocery list for the week and noticed that green beans were on sale, so i searched my files and found this recipe. i decided to make it tonight to go with some chicken thighs i'd planned on baking.

of course i had to make a few substitutions. i used matilda beer bacon b/c that's what i had in the fridge. (note: if you're in chicago, you can buy a pack at provenance - i got mine at the lincoln square location, but i'm sure their logan square shop also carries it.)

back to the substitutions/additions, though - the aforementioned beer bacon, 1 large onion instead of 2 medium ones, a 1.5 pound bag of baby red potatoes that i diced up, and i added about a teaspoon of minced garlic b/c y'all should know by now that i like to add garlic to things.

verdict? there was still quite a bit of liquid left at the end of the cooking process, even after i adjusted the heat from medium to medium high to just shy of high b/c i didn't want anything to burn. in terms of taste and texture, though, it almost reminded me of my childhood. green beans and potatoes weren't as big a staple as, say, collard greens, but they were definitely present. i don't remember bacon being involved, though; i think daddy used ham hocks or maybe smoked turkey in a nod to "healthier" cooking. in short: nom. and i'll have leftovers for at least the next day or two, which was all part of my plan.

here's a little story that needed to be told

this is a story about frank and ethel. i should note at the outset that frank and ethel are not their real names, but that's how i'm going to refer to them here.

frank and ethel are a couple of regulars at the library. i usually see them at least once a week, almost always on fridays. it might sound weird to refer to someone as a "regular" at a library, as opposed to, say, at a bar like in the book i finished reading earlier tonight, but we get them.

but back to frank and ethel. they usually show up together. ethel & i pretend to give frank grief for having a higher fine on his card, even when it's ethel's fault. they both pretend to butcher my name and blame it on the fact that they're old and senile. they're not that old, really - i'd put them at early 70s at the most.

when i start my friday shifts, my co-workers have become accustomed to me asking if frank and ethel have been in yet. if frank & ethel are in line and i'm helping someone, they'll wait until i'm available so we can have our few minutes of banter. they're adorable, really, in that way that folks who know each other well and are totally comfortable with each other can be. when you compare them to some of our other regulars, you get why frank and ethel are a couple of my favorites.

i mentioned that they're in almost every friday, right? i can count on one hand the number of times ethel's shown up by herself, the most recent of which was earlier this year when it seemed like everyone in the greater chicago area had the plague. frank was sick, ethel said, so she made the trip solo. i jokingly demanded frank's presence the following week so i could see for myself that he was ok...and next week, they were both there. i smiled.

a couple of weeks ago, i was at work on a friday and realized that the afternoon had gone by w/o a visit from frank & ethel. i shrugged it off - it was cold and maybe they decided to skip that week. i even asked around to see if they'd come in while i was on break, but they hadn't. (i did mention that frank & ethel are a couple of my favorite regulars, right?)

this past friday, i was talking with a co-worker about another regular of ours, and realized that frank & ethel hadn't come in again. it wasn't like them to miss 2 weeks in a row. vacation, i rationalized. or maybe the weather. i was concerned, and by the end of the night, my co-worker decided that it wasn't weird at all for me to be concerned about a couple i barely know. regulars. they do that to you.

this morning, i was at work and took a call from someone who'd found a book of ours and was wondering if we could get in touch with the patron and let them know about it. a quick search and guess what? the book was checked out to frank! where was this good samaritan calling from? the hospital. apparently frank had been admitted (and released, thankfully) and left the book behind.

i was sad and relieved at the same time. sad b/c frank had been ill, relieved b/c he was both out of the hospital and b/c now i knew (or at least could speculate with some basis in reality) why he and ethel had been missing from the library.

when i got a free moment, i called frank & ethel to let them know about the book. i wound up leaving a message for them, and at the end, i wished them both well and let them know that i missed seeing them. b/c i did. i do. b/c this is what happens when you have regulars. when you make a connection, however tenuous, with a couple of strangers that you see on a regular basis. you miss them when they're not around. you get worried when you don't see them.

and then you feel weird for being slightly more concerned about a couple of strangers than some folks you've known forever. and you try to get over it with all kinds of explanations that, if you're going to be honest with yourself, ring kinda hollow.

and then you find yourself missing some other regulars in your life for various reasons, and you try not to admit to missing them and worrying about them b/c, really, wtf is that going to prove anyway?

but this isn't about you (ok, me). this is a story about frank and ethel, and how i'm hoping they'll come into work on friday and i can pretend to lecture them about staying away w/o giving me a heads-up, and how i'm hoping they'll tell me that it was nothing serious, and we'll joke about frank's fines and promise to see each other the following week. b/c that's how frank and ethel would want it, and who am i to interrupt the flow of regulars?

80

my father would've been 80 years old today. the last time i saw him alive was on february 18, 1997. he'd been in the hospital for weeks, one of his legs had been amputated, and during our damn near daily calls at that point, i'd gotten the feeling that he was hanging on by the proverbial thread and i wanted to say my goodbyes in person.

i recruited my then-bff to trek from northwestern down to trinity hospital with me. here's something you might not know about me - hospitals make me claustrophobic. if i'm in a hospital for longer than, say, 90 minutes, my skin starts tingling and it becomes more difficult for me to breathe normally. i'm sure any therapist worth their degrees would tell you that it's due to the fact that my mom was hospitalized when i was young and she never came home, but i'd made my peace with it and therefore knew i needed to operate on the buddy system.

i can't remember if i told anyone that i was coming to see daddy on his birthday. i probably didn't tell daddy b/c i wanted to surprise him, daddy's girl that i was, and still am, grown-ass woman status be damned. maybe i told james? i honestly don't remember. i'm sure someone was there when then-bff and i arrived.

i don't remember if daddy and i had a conversation. it's possible i just sat there with him. it's more than likely that i cried a little. i do know that during that visit, i realized that it would be the last time i'd see him alive, b/c it was just too painful for me to see him in that much agony. so i said goodbye. not out loud, and not in a way that would freak any of my family members out. but silently. softly. almost prayer-like. i do remember telling god that if it was indeed daddy's time to go, that i'd be ok with it as long as he didn't have to suffer anymore.

and i left, not only b/c my goodbyes were done but b/c i was starting to shake and itch and my breathing was getting a little on the shallow side and then-bff knew enough to get me the hell out of there so i could get some fresh air and not pass out.

when daddy died about a week later, i wasn't shocked. i was sad, of course, and probably a little pissed off despite the previous talk i'd had with god about it, but not shocked.

it's 16 years later, and if you had told me then all of the ways that i would take after my father now, i would've laughed in your face. you would've been accurate, though. there are some days when i surprise myself with how alike we were/are. maybe it's a function of getting old(er). maybe some of those traits were there all along and they're just becoming more pronounced. i don't know and i'm not really sure if i care. when memories and mannerisms are all you have to cling to, the particulars aren't really important...which is probably a good thing in daddy's case b/c the man, god bless him, had his flaws and faults.

i'm not going to write about those flaws and faults right now, though. it's hard enough getting through this time of year (daddy's birthday, the anniversary of daddy's death, the anniversary of my mom's death, the anniversary of james' death, and my mom's birthday - all w/in a month's span) without coming up with more reasons to cry and/or drive myself over the edge.

instead, i'll just say happy birthday to my father. may he continue to rest in peace. amen.

recipe review: broccoli and rice pilaf

i was catching up on dvr'd foodpr0n last night and saw this side dish, and since i had everything on hand except an onion, i decided to try it out tonight. i usually try not to make anything too complicated on sundays b/c by the time i get home from work, i'm exhausted and barely have energy to nuke anything for dinner, let alone make something from scratch.

this recipe, though? not too shabby. i added about a teaspoon of minced garlic (b/c y'all know that's how i roll) and a bit of black pepper b/c i realized there was no seasoning whatsoever in the original recipe, and i was pleased with the results. i'd make it again with the same substitutions.

it's not black music month, but it's close enough, i suppose

yeah, i know...february is black history month and black music month isn't until june, but since i've decided to open my 'home' up to y'all for the grammys on sunday, let's just try to make it work, shall we?

sunday, february 10. show up here anytime after, say, 6:15pm. the grammys start at 7. yes, ll cool j is hosting again. yes, i will be acting like a total fangirl complete with squealing and screaming with excitement b/c if you know nothing else about me, you know i love ll cool j almost as much as i love chocolate, reading, and quiet time to myself. :-)

and if you're a fan of old-school "soul train" episodes and wanna hang out with me and sjb while we start making our way through the damn near 30 episodes i have saved on the dvr, you're welcome to join us on saturday, february 9.

if you're interested in stopping by on saturday and/or sunday, please let me know asap. thanks. :-)

recipe review: autumn pierogies and apples

(non-food related content coming. i'm just too lazy right now to write the screed i've been pondering re: healthcare, but it's gonna happen. i promise.)

so, yeah. these sweet potato pierogies were on clearance at the store a while back, so i bought a box and stuck it in the freezer. i was flipping through my recipe folder and came across this one that i'd ripped out of a magazine, and i decided to try it out the other night.

for the first time in a long while, i didn't make any substitutions...and i was happy. i used 2 red delicious apples and 1 sweet yellow onion. i thought the cinnamon sour cream would be weird, but it was actually pretty nomtastic. i might make the cinnamon sour cream again just to put on bagels or toast or to dip apples in. i'll probably make the pierogies again, maybe with a different type of apple just for kicks.

2 recipes, 1 post: chicken and seafood edition

remember last week when i said that one of my next recipes would involve chicken thighs because i had a costco-sized package of them in the freezer?

well, i decided to try this chicken with mushroom sauce recipe since i had just about everything on hand except the mushrooms, so this was dinner last night (and lunch this afternoon). i used regular button mushrooms b/c that's what was available at the store yesterday. it will come as a shock to absolutely no one who reads these reviews that i added a bit of garlic. i think the package of chicken i used had 4 boneless skinless chicken thighs in it, which worked out perfectly for me. i also had half a bag of frozen green beans on hand, so i used that as my side dish/vegetable. the chicken and sauce turned out well, although i would've liked the sauce to be a bit thicker. still nom.

i still had orzo on hand, so this shrimp and crab al forno seemed like a good idea. yeah, this was one that was better on paper than in reality. i used lump crabmeat and about half a pound of 26/30 per pound shrimp. i also used shredded parmesan instead of grated, and 2% milk instead of 1%. (note: i grabbed one of those milk chugs thinking it was a standard 16 ounce bottle, and it turned out to be only 14 ounces. argh.) i can't really explain why i didn't like this, but i didn't. i'm kinda upset b/c i went to two stores and spent a sizable chunk of my grocery budget on the crabmeat alone. i don't see myself making this again. i'm glad i decided to make a quick spinach and tomato saute to go with it, though.

inauguration celebration & scurvy prevention

eta: if you haven't already talked to me about your plans to join me for mimosas on monday (hey, look, alliteration!), then please do so as soon as you can. thanks.

o hai!

i'd initially planned on hosting a brunch for inauguration day/mlk day (can i just tell y'all how tickled i am that those fall on the same day this year?), but then i came down with the plague and the thought of planning out a menu and buying supplies and all of that was just too much for me. last week, though, the spirit of crazy joe biden came to me and said that i should drink mimosas on inauguration day, and since i'm not one to ignore crazy joe, i decided to go with it.

so, instead of a brunch, i will be here in skokie drinking champagne and orange juice (hence the scurvy prevention) and toasting crazy joe. you're welcome to join the party. i figure folks can show up anytime after 10:30am and be ready to get kicked out around 8pm b/c i have a doctor's appointment the next morning and i'll need to start sobering up at some point. i'll have orange juice, champagne, and some sort of snacks (on snacks) available, but please feel free to byo food and/or beverage.

if you haven't made the trek to my skokie crashpad yet and need directions, let me know. obviously i'm not posting the address here, but this is why we have email and text, right? try to let me know sooner rather than later, please. kthx. :-)

books!

i just happened to glance at my pile of "waiting to be read" books a few minutes ago and, after my initial moment of squee due to some of the titles (nate silver's book, the most recent oprah's book club pick, a new cookbook, and a new book of poetry from bell hooks, among others), i realized that i didn't close out 2012 w/r/t the books i read. according to my spreadsheet, i read 146 books during 2012. that's down from my 2011 total of 209 books, but let's keep in mind that i was in nanny/mother's helper mode for the first 9 months of 2012, and that i started my job in june of 2012. holy hell i've had this job for a little more than 6 months now.

my spreadsheet also tells me that every single book i read in 2012 came from the library. i'm probably more impressed by that than i should be, but i am. libraries are awesome, and anyone who knows me knows that i've held that sentiment for way longer than i've held my current job.

so, yay for books! and now i will leave y'all with the video for "read a book" b/c it still makes me laugh. :-)

recipe review: orzo spinach soup

i wish i could remember who originally shared this recipe on twitter. alas, i just remember seeing it and saving it to my hard drive for later use. the other night, i realized that i had orzo on hand and wanted to do something different with it, so i decided to make this soup. it also didn't hurt that i'm still recovering from the plague a cold.

only a few substitutions in this one: i doubled the carrots b/c the ones i bought were a bit on the small side; i added seasoned salt throughout the cooking process and used a scant bit of crushed red pepper instead of chili flakes at the beginning; and i think i used about 2/3 cup of regular orzo (vs. the 1/2 cup whole-wheat orzo).

this might be my favorite recipe of the year so far. yes, i know i've only made three. it's also possible that my body is all "omg soup yay!" b/c i've been under the weather. i'd make it again, and would probably use chicken stock instead of vegetable stock (or maybe a 50/50 mix).

next up? probably something with chicken thighs, since they were on sale at costco today and now i have 3 ziploc bags of boneless skinless chicken thighs in the freezer. :P

recipe review: sausage and walnut stuffing

i was all set to try this recipe out last night, but whatever cold-like thing that's been floating around attacked me yesterday and by the time i got home from work, i just wanted to curl up under all of the blankets and stay there forever. i'm feeling slightly better today - not as achy and feverish as yesterday, but still some runny nose and coughing issues - so i decided to go for it.

i skipped the parsley b/c i didn't have any on hand, and i used about a teaspoon of dried sage instead of fresh. oh, and i used seasoned salt instead of salt & pepper.

verdict? i like the taste, but i wasn't crazy about the presentation. maybe if i'd used a corningware dish instead of a standard metal 9x13 pan, it would've looked better, but...meh.

recipe review: (a variation of) black-eyed peas and stewed collards

merry new year! hey, remember when northwestern won a bowl game, and it was amazing? oh, wait...that just happened yesterday. :D

since i was out watching football and drinking beer and hanging with friends, i wasn't able to cook the traditional collard greens and black-eyed peas new year's day meal. i'd decided last week that as long as collards and black-eyed peas were involved in the first meal i cooked in 2013, i'd still be in line for good luck and prosperity in the new year.

that said, i saw this recipe in a recent issue of one of my favorite magazines and decided to try it out tonight, with a few substitutions, of course. here's what i did differently:

--used 2 tablespoons of olive oil to saute the onions
--added about a tablespoon of garlic right before i put in the tomatoes/greens/water
--used a bag of pre-chopped collard greens. ignore the directions that say the greens are ready to cook. you will still need to go through the greens and discard any stems and/or pieces that just don't look right to you. i also gave the collards a quick rinse after i'd picked through all of them.
--instead of cooking the black-eyed peas separately, i added them to the greens about halfway through the cooking time (i set the timer for 20 minutes and stirred the greens every 5-7 minutes or so).

oh, and i skipped the seafood component entirely b/c nothing really looked good when i was buying ingredients the other day. instead, i made a flat iron steak that i bought from the fine folks at c&d family farms. you might know c&d for such nomz as the bacon burgers i've previously waxed poetic about. i seasoned the steak with a bit of spice rub that i had on hand. mmm...steak.

verdict: not bad. the collards still had a wee bit of crunch, which i was ok with. if you like your greens crunchier or more wilted, you could adjust the cooking time accordingly. i usually don't cook collards that often...as a matter of fact, i don't think i've made them since, well, last new year's day. that said, i probably won't make them again until next year, unless i really get a taste for them and/or i come across another recipe that i wanna try out.

here's hoping 2013 brings all kinds of happiness and joy and awesomeness to all of us. :-)

favorite songs from 2012

these are all songs that were added to my library in 2012. as opposed to previous lists, most of these songs were actually released this year, so i don't feel too guilty about including a couple of oldies, so to speak. there's no particular order going on here, btw.

if you're on spotify, you can listen to the list here. if you're not, or if you just want an actual cd b/c that's how you roll, let me know and i'll try to get you one sooner vs. later.

not quite a year in review, but close enough

happy almost 2013! i'm putting the finishing touches on my "favorite songs of 2012" playlist, but in the meantime, i decided to revisit some things i'd wanted to accomplish this year. you might remember earlier this year that i had a whole list of things that would be (back) in my life in 2012. i'm pleased to report that some of those things have happened. specifically:

--a smartphone with a data plan - aka my early birthday present to myself

--a trip to the dentist - ok, so technically this was a quasi-emergency visit b/c one of my teeth was giving me fits, but i'm counting it

--a job that doesn't suck - granted, it's part-time and there's no benefits, but yay books!

--arts/cultural/entertainment outings and live music (as in going to concerts more often) - these didn't happen as often as i would've liked, but something's better than nothing, i suppose

--dining out - the 2 best burgers i had this year were both at burger bar. the lobster fries at edzo's made me dance in my chair a little bit and it's possible that i shed a single tear of joy.

--disposable income - again, not as much as i'd like, but i am beyond grateful for having any at all.

--at least one trip to the casino, preferably on christmas eve for jesusjack - i can't believe i had the foresight to put this on my list, but it happened and i only lost $50, so i'm happy.

what will 2013 bring? hopefully a full-time job that doesn't suck and an apartment of my own in chicago. if i get that far, i'm pretty sure i can get some of the other things i want to fall into place, or at least be in a better position to make some things happen. maybe then i won't be as emotionally exhausted as i was when i wrote this back in october. i still stand by that post, though. it might've been some of the best writing i've done on the blog this year.

anyway...there's football on and there's a drink at my feet and i should pay attention to both of those before i call it a night. if i finish my 2012 faves playlist before i start celebrating nye, i'll post it - otherwise, i'll see y'all in 2013. :-)

still celebrating

i'll spare y'all the details of exactly how much alcohol i consumed last weekend. i will say, though, that this year's jubilee, so far, has been one of the best i've had in the past, oh, five years or so. a huge thank-you to any and all who helped me celebrate, even if it was just via happy birthday texts/calls/tweets. fanfuckingtastic, i tell you.

i'll be in the city tomorrow-wednesday for a catsitting gig, so if you're around and you wanna hang out, let me know. my current plans include going to brew & view tomorrow to see "flight." sunday after work, i'll be at burger bar trying their december burger special, which may or may not include wild boar and pork belly. you don't have to order it if you don't want to, obviously, but i am b/c i'm crazy like that.

safe travels to all who are hitting the road this weekend. :-)

see y'all in a few days...

i want to write about the shooting in connecticut and how i'm feeling about it as a non-parent and about how i can only imagine what parents must be feeling like right now. i also want to write about the changes in my life between my b-day last year and now. amidst all of that, there's a "hey, it's (almost) my birthday" post yearning to be free. suffice it to say that i can't really make sense of any of those post ideas, or any of the other 5011 ideas bouncing around in my head right now, and therefore i will spare y'all the brain dump for now. 

do me a favor, though. hug your loved ones extra tight after you read this. if you have children, give them a hug from me (which you should be doing anyway, but especially now). kthx.

updated all december everything list o'fun

36 in 7 days. to say that i'm excited would be a slight understatement. my b-day staycation has been booked, b-day brunch reservation has been made...things are shaping up kinda nicely. woo!

here's a updated list of what's on deck:

saturday 12/15 - brunch w/bff and a few other folks is still happening. my evening is still free as of this  writing, though i will likely be out somewhere drinking b/c, well, it's my b-day weekend and i'll drink if i want to.

sunday 12/16 - i'll be watching the bears game at the beer bistro on madison in the west loop. feel free to join me for 25-cent wings and delicious beer and football, if you're into those kinds of things.

thursday 12/20 - still planning on seeing "the world of extreme happiness" at the goodman. pretty sure tickets are still available. if you're going, let me know so we can attempt to link up before or after the show.

sunday 12/23 - dinner at burger bar on clybourn. their special burger for december involves wild boar and pork belly and therefore i am going to try it out b/c it's my b-day month so why not?

monday 12/24 - jesusjack! nothing says merry christmas like gambling on christmas eve, right? (don't answer that.)

oh, and for those of you keeping track, i found another 10 cents at work yesterday, which brings this month's found money total to $30.35 and counting. :-)

answer: $30.25 (and counting?)

question: how much money have i found since the beginning of december? like i needed another reason to love this time of year, right? :-)

this week i got to hang out with bff (woo!) and finally introduce her to the delicious wonder that is fried lobster (even more woo!). i found $20 of that $30.25 last night while i was waiting for the bus after work. i got to hang out with some of my favorite sister girlfriends while attending a friend's exhibit opening, and today i hung out with a couple of former co-workers and saw all kinds of cool arts and crafts at the one of a kind show.

next weekend? brunch and mimosas and football and more drinking and steak and more drinking and probably more fat girl happiness and yeah, more drinking. i still haven't decided on where i'm watching the bears game, but if i manage to do so before sunday, i'll let y'all know here.

i'm also thinking ahead and pondering the feasibility of hosting an inauguration day brunch. stay tuned.

tomorrow, though, i get to hope for a bears victory while praying that i continue resisting the urge to punch anyone in the face while at work (yayboo).

recipe review: red rice with sausage and peppers

happy tuesday! well, it wasn't so happy for me this afternoon/evening, b/c i was felled by a migraine just as i was leaving work and didn't manage to approach a sense of normalcy until damn near 7:30. i'm pretty sure my original plan for the evening was to work on job applications and then make dinner, but since i was actually quasi-hungry and since i knew i'd be spending at least a couple of hours "working," i decided to make dinner first.

there was a sale on smoked sausage at jewel and i knew i'd be buying 2 packages of it. one's in the freezer for the next time i decide to make smoked sausage and broccoli, and i decided i wanted to try something new for the other package. unsurprisingly enough, most of the recipes on my hard drive that involve smoked sausage are some variations of jambalaya or other rice-based dishes. i didn't want to go overboard with buying extra proteins like shrimp or chicken, so when i found this recipe, i figured i was on to something.

here's what i did: i made the rice last night b/c i had a bit of downtime and i knew i could just put it in the fridge until tonight. i used about, oh, 3 teaspoons of minced garlic. i cheated when i went to the store and bought a pre-chopped celery and onion mix, b/c i wasn't interested in buying a whole bunch of celery when i only needed one stalk. let's say that i used anywhere between 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup of the celery/onion mix; i didn't measure it b/c i was just spooning it in from the container. i used regular diced tomatoes with the juice, and instead of salt/pepper, i used seasoned salt...maybe a tablespoon? i tend to eyeball when i'm adding seasoned salt.

verdict? decent enough. i might make it again if i had some leftover rice and some smoked sausage on hand. we'll see how i feel about the leftovers later this week. :-)

week in review, all december everything/celebratory happiness edition

ok, so the bears lost (sigh) and northwestern's mens' b-ball team lost to uic (double sigh), but fun was still had. as planned, i went to ellen's holiday party and then went to karaoke last night. holy crap i drank a lot of tequila. i still can't believe i woke up sober this morning. i mean, i started with costco tequila, so you'd think that would equal instant pain and suffering and all of the regrets, but no. hm. maybe i just need to drink more tequila? i think i can handle that.

anyway - saw a lot of folks at karaoke that i hadn't seen in months, and folks sang songs that they knew would make me laugh and/or entertain me to no end, and i'm totally counting those serenades as birthday presents. my manager at work actually gave me my first b-day present of the year on friday, which was unexpected and happily surprising. 

oh, and i found $10 while i was at karaoke last night, and i found a quarter while i was at work today. i win all of the things!

hope y'all had a good weekend. :-)

it's (almost) all december everything time!

i was going to post this on saturday, but then i realized that some of the celebratory-type things i'm doing are actually happening on saturday, and therefore i figured it'd be nice if y'all had a bit of a heads-up so you could plan schedules accordingly.

here's a partial list of events i have on deck for the next few weeks. i'm sure there will be updates/changes as december progresses, so stay tuned for details. if you'd like to join me for any of these shenanigans, please let me know so i can be on the lookout for you. wanna suggest something else? i'm open to that as well. most of these events are free (woo!) unless otherwise noted.

saturday 12/1 - if you're not already going to ellen's (insert holiday of your choice here) party, then you should join the karaoke-based fun at third coast comics that night. karaoke starts around 7, and i'll probably be there around 9-ish b/c i'm stopping by ellen's party first. yes, i actually sing at this karaoke party. i also drink as if i don't have to work the next day, but i do, so if you want to ply me with tequila that night, i'm cool with that. yes, i've already decided that tequila will be my drink of choice on saturday. blame rick bayless' new book - i read it yesterday and have had margaritas on the brain ever since.

monday 12/3 - i know nothing about cigars, and i know enough about scotch to know that i like drinking it, and that's why i'll be at this tweetup on monday evening. no, you don't have to actually have a twitter account to attend, but it helps. think of the new people you can meet! the cigars you can sample! and, of course, the scotch. mmm...scotch.

i should also note that radiothon 25 (!!!) starts on monday night. i have a message somewhere with more details and links for listening online and such, so let me know if you want/need that info.

thursday 12/6 - my friend veronica is working towards yet another degree, this time at the school of the art institute. she has an exhibit opening on thursday from 5:30-7p at the saic's sullivan galleries downtown.

saturday 12/15 - i'm having brunch with bff and a few other folks, but the rest of my afternoon and evening is free as of this writing. i heard a rumor about some sort of "night of 1000 santas" party/bar crawl happening that night, so i should probably buy a santa hat or something if that actually happens and i actually go.

sunday 12/16 - bears/packers. working on sundays has really cut into my football viewing this season, which is why i made sure to request this day off weeks ago. i don't know where i'm watching the game yet, though. i'm open to ideas that don't involve me ending up at a packers bar. :P

thursday 12/20 - i have a ticket for "the world of extreme happiness" at the goodman. tickets are still available as of this writing if you want in on some free theatre action.

you'll notice that my actual b-day (12/17, for those of you who might be new to this) isn't on the list. my current plan is to take myself out to dinner at primehouse (mmm...steak...) that night, and that's as far as i've gotten. i might (ok, probably will) need to recover from that weekend's shenanigans, so taking it easy is probably the wisest thing i can do. which, of course, means i will somehow plan on doing 29 other things that day.

recipe review: chicken and orzo skillet

i got a later-than-planned start on dinner tonight, but since i'd gone to the store yesterday and sketched out what i wanted to cook this week, i wasn't that worried. the menu for tonight called for a chicken and orzo skillet. i was dreading waiting for the water to boil for the orzo, until i realized that the house i'm living in right now has an electric kettle and therefore i had boiling water in about 5 minutes. woo!

of course i made a few changes/substitutions to my version: 1 large-ish tomato instead of 2 medium ones; 1 pound of boneless skinless chicken breasts (i had four and they were about 4oz each) instead of chicken breast halves; regular tomato paste instead of no-salt-added b/c i didn't specify the latter on my grocery list and just bought regular; a 6oz bag of baby spinach instead of 3 cups b/c there's no such thing as too much spinach, given its wilt factor; and a 4oz container of crumbled feta instead of the 3oz called for in the recipe b/c, well, feta is delicious.

verdict? as weird as this sounds coming from me, given my relative intolerance for spicy foods, the crushed red pepper saved this dish. as i was mixing in the spinach and feta at the end, i realized that the chicken wasn't seasoned and therefore i was worried about the flavor. i shouldn't have been. the red pepper added just enough kick to make this palatable. i'd probably make it again, but i'd use a larger skillet - i think i had a 10-inch skillet tonight and mixing in the orzo and spinach w/o having half of it spill out was challenging at best. and maybe i'll add some garlic, b/c, well, garlic also is delicious. just sayin'.

this week in celebratory happiness, post thanksgiving edition

gobble gobble! hope y'all had a relaxing thanksgiving weekend. me? i was catsitting and took myself out for thanksgiving dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, and then watched football and way more "trapped in the closet" than any sane person should admit to. seriously. i've been laughing damn near nonstop at r. kelly in triplicate singing "oh shit" since thursday. friday night, i saw one of my favorite musicians in concert, and i got to hang out with one of my favorite sisterfriends/concert-going buddies.

oh, and northwestern won, and michigan lost (and y'all know it felt weird as all fucks to be rooting for ohio state on saturday b/c oh how i hate ohio state) and the bears won, and green bay lost, and there was much rejoicing in the land.

here's hoping the coming week doesn't suck. :-)

this week in celebratory happiness

remember last week when i said i wanted to try to do at least one thing per week to celebrate my birthday? this week, i got my hair cut for the 1st time in who knows how long, and damn near cried when my stylist refused to take any money from me. i finally upgraded my phone last weekend and am still getting accustomed to this touch screen keyboard hotness. funny thing to say in 2012, i know, but it's true. and tonight i'll be kicking off the holidays with some former co-workers, which is almost always guaranteed to be a good time. so, yay!

hope y'all had a good week. :-)

edited at an insane hour on (technically) sunday morning to add: i almost forgot to mention my twitter-based win from this week: free shoes from dsw! and i definitely forgot to include the free grub i won from grubhub in last week's post. my bad.

mmm...smile juice...

oh, internet. this smile juice post from animals talking in all caps knows my life and wins all the things. that is all.

it's the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year!

yes, i am talking about my birthday celebration/season. y'all should've seen that coming from 4359 miles away. i knew it was going to start sometime in november, but i was honestly waiting to see how election night panned out first. now that that's over (woo!!!!!!!!!), the festivities can begin. and like four years ago, i plan on celebrating from now until inauguration day. my slightly ambitious plan is to do at least one thing per week for myself, like a mini-birthday present. this week i ordered my 2013 le petit prince calendar. i'm also planning to upgrade my phone, which, as you know if you've seen my phone, is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdue.

i have no idea what year 36 is going to look like. (also, 36? jfc i am getting old.) i can't bring myself to make a wish list yet, seeing as how my 2012 wish list still has most of its original entries on it. i also can't bring myself to write out a full reflection on how year 35 played out, b/c holy shit i did not anticipate things panning out the way they did. am i still slightly dazed and confused as to how it all came about? damn straight. am i thankful? absolutely.

speaking of being thankful...if you're in town for thanksgiving and don't wanna cook, let me know. i'm taking myself out for thanksgiving dinner (yup, as part of my b-day celebration) and you're welcome to join me.

for now, though, i'm going to continue decompressing from this work week. hooray for dvr'd shows and chocolate. :-)

and speaking of november

if you haven't voted already, i hope you have plans to do so, either today or on tuesday. i will be hosting election night shenanigans this year - if you'd rather not sit at home by yourself watching the returns come in, you should stop by. i don't know if i'll be drinking in celebration or out of sheer misery, but either way i'll be unsober. if you didn't get an invite via email, let me know & i'll forward you the details. kthxbai.

holy crap it's november

on my way home tonight, i was prepared to do a post about how utterly insane things have been at work yesterday and today. i mean, really insane. a co-worker & i had to threaten to call security on some assclown this afternoon and then i had to remove myself from the situation before i chased after said assclown. and yesterday, a soon to be former co-worker got physical with a supervisor (hence the "soon to be former" part) to the point where the supervisor had to seek medical attention. yes, i work at a library. no, you wouldn't normally expect this kind of behavior at a library. i told you it was crazy.

that's the cliff notes version, though. my original plan was to go into slightly more detail about those incidents and how some folks at work, self included, were reacting to/coping with things.

after dinner, i was going through some files and came across something i'd written a while back:

"...i'm not as concerned about the destination as i am about the journey. if only i could be as zen about the rest of my life."

 i don't know why that struck a chord with me tonight, but it did, and i decided to share it here and not get bogged back down into the details of work-related insanity. happy friday.

circles and cycles

there's a jewel w/in walking distance to my current abode. to get there, i take a shortcut that passes by a junior high school. not just any junior high school, though...the same junior high school that served as a campsite for day 2 of the breast cancer 3-day i walked in back in 2004. the same junior high school i decided not to sleep at that night b/c i was so tired and so close to home that i asked troy in advance to get someone pick me up from the school and drive us home so i could shower and pass out. the same junior high school where the sweep van deposited me and some other walkers b/c we were damn near delirious with exhaustion and there was a storm coming and they were worried about our safety and i sobbed all the way back to that junior high school b/c i hadn't technically finished the mileage for that day even though at some points i literally fell asleep while walking. i was probably still crying when i saw troy and kim and nick and i think curcio was there too and maybe some other people i don't remember right now. i remember going to dinner w/troy and kim and nick, i remember going home, taking a shower, and going the fuck to sleep b/c i had to get up at some insane hour to catch a cab back to the junior high school. i remember the cab driver having no idea where the school was, and i really didn't either, but we made it eventually and i met up with the rest of my team and we grabbed some breakfast and headed out for the final day of the breast cancer 3-day. i remember making the decision to walk in the 2004 3-day b/c i'd volunteered for the past 3 or 4 years prior and i wanted to walk in at least one event. as it happens, 2004 also was the 20th anniversary of my mom's death. growing up, i'd always been told that she died of a heart attack, but i was probably in junior high or high school when someone (daddy, maybe? or maybe james? i dunno) said that she'd had breast cancer. 28 years later, and i can still tell you how the family broke the news of my mother's death to me. i can still remember bits and pieces of her funeral and how i tugged on my father's arm to get him to stand up when my mom's pastor asked any visitors to stand b/c the funeral was at my mom's church and daddy & i went to a different church and therefore, to my 7 y.o. mind, we were visiting even though we'd been there any number of times previously b/c my brothers also went to that church and greg was playing drums and mom was involved in who knows how many activities. so, yeah. i feel a little pang whenever i pass that junior high school to buy groceries. it's also the site for my nearest market day pickup, which, as i'm sure i've written about previously, reminds me of james. not in a bad way, mind you, but his not being here still hits me sometimes like it just happened.

and then sometimes i get even more emotional than usual b/c i find myself trying to figure out how i got to this place. how i came to be living this close to that junior high school, and how the woman of this house lost her 9-year battle with cancer this summer, and how i'm always like #fuckcancer b/c seriously, fuck cancer and if i have to explain that to you, well, then, fuck you too b/c clearly you haven't been paying attention to my life or the lives of anyone around us who's had to deal with cancer b/c cancer fucking sucks. there's not a week that goes by that i don't wish/hope/pray for better outcomes for my friends' mothers and fathers and relatives and friends and, when i'm feeling particularly low and selfish, for my own parents, b/c fuck cancer. and i wish i didn't have this housesitting gig b/c i'd much rather for my quasi-landlord to still have her mother around and living here instead of me. cancer's real evil like that, so fuck cancer.

there's someone at work who has a variation of the lung disease james had before he got really ill. i hear them complain about all the pills they have to take and how nothing works and since they already get on my nerves b/c they kinda suck at their job which makes my work life more difficult, i really want to punch them in the face even though it's not their fault and they're not intentionally setting out to remind me of james more than i already think of him. i wish james was still around to tell me about his latest drug regimen and how the steroids his doctor prescribed once made him go to popeye's and order an 12-piece box of chicken that he proceeded to eat in one sitting while his co-workers wondered aloud where their lunch was b/c they thought he was gonna share that box of chicken and how he hated feeling hungry and bloated and fat but if that's what he needed to go through to get better, then that's what he'd do. and since this co-worker and i aren't on super-friendly terms, i just nod whenever they start whining about how much their life sucks when i really want to yell at them to be grateful for whatever life they have b/c some people don't get the chance to live as long as we want them to, but then i walk away b/c y'all know i need this job more than a little bit and i'd rather not get fired on some bullshit.

i watched benji tonight and every 5-10 minutes or so, when i'd recover from a crying jag, i'd wish i could call james and ask him what he remembered. i was only 7 when ben wilson died. it was in 1984. the same year i lost my mother. ben winning the state championship happened right after my mom's funeral, give/take a week or two. i was 7 going on 8 that november. james had just turned 22. he would've remembered benji better than i would have or could have. i wanted to call james and have him take me down memory lane, to talk about benji and about our lives w/o our mother in those first few months. what was easter like for us that year? his birthday? thanksgiving? my birthday? christmas? i couldn't tell y'all if i wanted to what those first months were like b/c i don't remember, and the person who was closest to me in age isn't around anymore for me to ask, and i'd just start crying again. seriously, b/c benji and this week's episode of "parenthood," i have cried more while watching tv tonight than i probably do in a month or more.

and yet here i am. in this house i don't own or rent, brought here by circumstances i couldn't even begin to weave together in my wildest of imaginations. i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway.

i feel as though i should apologize to anyone who was hoping for yet another recipe review and not this emotional regurgitation, but in my defense, i did post 3 recipe reviews back-to-back-to-back, so it's not as if you're deficient in that area.

i'm going to get ready to call it a night now b/c i'm a bit emotionally exhausted (gee, i wonder why?) and b/c sleep for dessert always wins. see y'all later.

recipe review: bacon orzo

i'm keeping this review quick because it's almost time for the bears game to start and i still need to finish catching up on the day's emails and maybe work on a few job apps before i have beer for dessert. (what? beer for dessert is totally acceptable, especially when lemon berry shandy is involved.)

but i digress. let's talk about the bacon orzo i made tonight. i resisted the temptation to add more bacon, but if/when i make it again, i might add some garlic. i wound up using about 3/4 cup of reserved cooking liquid, and i probably could've used the whole cup and been fine. we'll see if i regret that decision when i have some of the leftovers for tomorrow's dinner. i made some smoked sausage and broccoli to go along with the orzo, and i also used the rest of the carrots i had on hand to make more of the butter-roasted carrots i reviewed last week. omg those carrots. they're so delicious. i miss them already. you guys should try them. at some point i'm going to make some roasted broccoli and more of those carrots and i will be a happy girl.

recipe review: italian sausage soup

this weather calls for soup. at least, i'd decided that today's weather called for soup. since my crockpot is still in storage, i needed something that i could make relatively quickly after work when i'm starving and i don't want trail mix or any other snacks (on snacks) b/c i'm focused on dinner and anything else is just going to piss me off.

enter italian sausage soup. i knew i had italian sausage on hand, and chicken broth, and parmesan cheese. i had to go to the store today anyway, so picking up spinach and tomatoes and pasta wasn't much of an issue. i skipped the basil b/c i hate buying fresh herbs when i only need a tablespoon or two.

other changes i made - i used a package of mild pork italian sausage instead of the turkey italian sausage called for b/c that's what i had. i increased the pasta to 1 cup uncooked (this was on sale for 99 cents, so i decided to try it out - i didn't notice a difference in taste compared to traditional pasta, so yay!). as for spinach, i used an entire 9oz bag of regular (vs. baby) spinach.

verdict? nom. i didn't miss the basil at the end, and i didn't add any salt or other seasonings, either. i definitely added grated parmesan cheese, though, b/c cheese is awesome. i found some sourdough bread in the freezer and had a couple of pieces with my soup and i was a happy girl. after 2 bowls, there's still enough left for at least 1-2 meals, depending on how hungry i am. i'd make it again.

2 recipes, 1 review post

o hai!

i told y'all that i was going to attempt to try some new (to me) recipes and post them here before the end of the month, and here i am. i actually made 2 new dishes last night for dinner: blackened catfish and butter-roasted carrots.

butter-roasted carrots: the recipe says that there will be no leftovers, and they were right. i started noshing on these after they came out of the oven while the fish finished cooking, and by the time i was ready to clean up the kitchen, the carrots were gone. i used maybe 1/2 a pound of carrots, and substituted seasoned salt for the salt & pepper. i also left them in the oven for about 20 minutes instead of the 15 minutes called for in the recipe, b/c i'm still figuring out how this oven works and wanted to be sure they were tender and not crunchy. i still have 1/2 a pound of carrots left and it's entirely possible i'll make these again within the next few days.

blackened catfish: i felt as though i hadn't made catfish in forever, so i was kinda excited when i went to the store the other day and saw catfish nuggets on sale. instead of the catfish fillets listed, i used about a pound of catfish nuggets. i skipped the lemons because i found this recipe after i'd already gone to the store and i wasn't going back just for one ingredient. longtime readers may be surprised to know that i actually used ground red pepper, given my well-documented aversion to spicy foods, but it actually wasn't that bad. i'd probably make these again. i wonder if i can combine this spice rub with cornmeal and make some sort of oven-baked blackened catfish. yes, i know oven-baked blackened catfish sounds like an oxymoron, but i might try it anyway.

stay tuned for more recipes - i have a couple more picked out that i'm hoping to try w/in the next week or so.

happy hump day! :-)

living all alone

unlike the late great phyllis hyman, i am more than ok with living all alone. in case you missed it - i moved! i'm still in the suburbs (hint: i am now living in the white-skinned land i mocked all those years ago), but it's an extended housesitting gig. i have the place to myself. no childcare unless i take on a babysitting gig. i made bacon tonight, for fuck's sake! there's wifi and cable and my commute to work is 20 minutes at most. yeah, i'm not back in chicago, but i can think of worse fates than this, so i'm thankful all the same.

yesterday i spent the entire day indoors, with the exception of dragging the trash bins from the curb and refilling the bird feeder. it was wonderful. my phone only rang once so i barely had to talk to anyone and i just got to hang out in the quiet. i missed it so much.

i miss you guys, too. once i have my act together, and once my landlord (for lack of a better term) gives the ok, i'm going to try to have some of y'all over. it won't be sunday fun day (have i mentioned how much i dislike working on sundays during football season? thank god for sunday night & monday night football), but it'll be...something. maybe election night, assuming that i don't have a full-time job by then and can drink myself silly w/o having to worry about getting up the next morning.

my goal is to attempt at least one new recipe and post it here before the month is out. my recipe files keep growing and i just haven't had the time or inclination lately to try anything new. stay tuned.

hope y'all are doing relatively well. :-)

just in time for prince's chicago gigs

i present some of y'all (b/c i'm sure a few of you have already seen it) with this clip of maya rudolph and gretchen lieberum singing prince's "darling nikki" on late night with jimmy fallon. if you haven't seen it, watch it now b/c prince is notorious for yanking his songs off of teh interwebz.

no, i won't be going to see prince next week. i was (and still am) holding out hope for additional shows to be added, b/c to me, 3 nights does not a "residency" make. luckily seeing prince live has already been crossed off of my bucket list, but i'd still like to see him again. maybe i'll get my wish and more shows will be added and both my finances and my schedule will align and i can go to there. we'll see.

and yes, this is one of my "in lieu of actual content i will just throw up a link or some such for y'all to look at" posts. there's a lot going on, some of which i've posted about on my other site, and as soon as i feel like i can breathe normally again, i will get back to posting about recipes and random nonsense.

also, this new blogger interface kinda sucks the mop. i'm sure i'll get used to it, but right now? dislike.

sometimes i think the internet is spying on me

when i see something like this, i immediately think "you don't know my life!" and then realize that yes, the internet does know my life sometimes. sigh.

i love sasha obama so much.

i've made no secret of this previously. i am firmly convinced that sasha will rule all of us one day and i'm kinda looking forward to it. 

that said, though, i had to interrupt my viewing and live-tweeting of president obama's speech at the dnc to share this with y'all.

that is all.

oh, wait: make sure you're registered to vote if you're not already.

good night.

it's one of the most wonderful times of the year

that's right, ladies and gentlemen. football's back, and i, for one, welcome the return of our gridiron overlords. now that i've pretty much recovered from saturday's northwestern game (seriously, guys - it's way too early in the season for us to be in cardiac cats mode, mmkay?), i can focus more of my attention on the bears.

if you're doing anything fun for opening day, or even if you're just gonna sit on your couch and drink lots of beer while watching lots of football, let me know. i took the day off of work on sunday just so i can watch the game. yes, i've become that girl. i've already figured out that i'll miss at least half of the season if i continue working sundays, which makes me sad. not opening day, though, and not the day before my birthday (b/c, seriously, bears vs. packers? happy birthday to me!) if i can help it. my plans for this sunday are still a bit up in the air, so, really, let's talk if you're plotting some sort of shenanigans and/or fuckery.

football! woo!

reason 5983 why i love melissa harris-perry

if you tuned into this morning's edition of the "melissa harris-perry show" on msnbc, then you (hopefully) caught this discussion about welfare and safety nets and, in what will probably be my favorite televised non-football related moment of the weekend, the mini-rant that starts at about 8:20 here:

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

reading romance shouldn't be this difficult

yeah, yeah, i read romance novels. i've read them for years. i follow some of my favorite authors on twitter. i'm number 200-something on the library's waiting list for a book that doesn't come out until damn near thanksgiving. judge me all you want.

[note: the rest of this post will have all kinds of triggers about sexual assault/abuse, so if this is a sensitive topic for you, please stop reading now. kthx.]

i've been reading a romance series by susan mallery and, much to my delight, there have been some new titles this summer. i finally got my copy of the most recent one, "all summer long," last week from the library and started reading it a couple of days ago. normally, i can get through a romance novel in a couple of hours, tops, and in even less time if i'm able to read cover-to-cover w/o being interrupted.

this one, though, took me a while to get through. not because it's a bad novel, but b/c the struggles of the main female character brought back a lot of memories/issues. once upon a time, i wrote about some "bad touching" that happened to me when i was 8 or 9, and how i'd repressed that memory until i was in high school, and how the husband of my then-favorite cousin decided it'd be a good idea for us to watch some pr0n when i was 16 and while his wife and sons were in the other room, and how i ran out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom for as long as possible and how i didn't tell anyone in my family b/c i knew daddy or james or any other male relative would've done time for (attempted) murder even though i'm sure someone must've figured out something b/c i never ever went to that cousin's house again.

ok, so maybe i didn't previously write about that last part.

anyway (consider this a spoiler alert if you actually plan on reading this book), charlie, our heroine, was raped in college and has had a challenging time establishing intimacy. i'll spare you the details, but the process she goes through definitely has some parallels to what i went through (and at times still go through). it's heartbreaking and ultimately gratifying, to say the least. i can't tell you the last time i cried while reading a romance novel, but i definitely shed a few tears over this one.

i am so very thankful to susan (hey, i follow her on twitter, so i feel like i can be on a first name basis even though we've never met irl) for treating this subject with dignity and respect. if i was inclined to write reviews on amazon, i'd post this there, but i'm not and therefore it's here. susan, if you somehow manage to read this, please know that i've been a fan of yours for a few years now and i will be forever grateful to you for sharing charlie's story in such a powerful way. thank you.

books that have left me reeling - summer 2012 edition

it's no secret to anyone that i like to read. a lot. there's a book club/contest thing going on at work this summer and more than one person has dropped out after seeing just how many books (and accompanying points) i've added to my list since i started.

according to my spreadsheet, i've read 98 books so far in 2012. most of them were pretty uneventful. a few nonfiction ones introduced me to events/historical information i wasn't previously aware of. two novels in particular, though, made me ask some variation of "what the fuck?" and/or "are you fucking serious?" at least a dozen times while reading them, and i'm going to share those titles with you now.

the first: "gold" by chris cleave. i remember alternating between laughing hysterically at one page and within that same chapter, wanting to throw the book across the room and scream "what the fuck is going on?" not in a bad way, mind you - more in a "did this guy (meaning the author) really put these words in this order and omg i can't believe s/he (meaning a particular character) went there and i think my brain is going to asplode" kind of way. i like books that have that kind of impact on me.

i just finished reading the 2nd book, gillian flynn's "gone girl," a few minutes ago. oh my fucking fuck this fucking book is so fucking twisted that it fucking makes me want to say (ok, type) the word fuck in as many fucking ways as fucking possible in one fucking sentence. a couple of people on my twitter feed have read this and noted that it was definitely not a sunshine and kittens and lollipops kind of beach novel. i'm not exaggerating when i say that there are hundreds of people waiting to get this book from the library. last i checked, the wait list was at 1,500+ and counting. if i had to put money on it, i'd say that i've checked out and returned more copies of "gone girl" than any other book since i started at the library. and now i know what the fuss has been about. holy fucking shitballs. these characters are twisted and i kinda want a sequel even though no good can come of it whatsoever. and in about 9 hours, i'll be at work and my co-workers will want a review and i'll have to think of a sentence that doesn't involve the word fuck. i'll probably fail. fuck.

meanwhile, somewhere in my "waiting to be read" pile there's a book called zombies vs. unicorns. yes, i checked it out solely based on the title. i hope i'm not disappointed.

if you've read "gold" and/or "gone girl," please feel free to leave your proverbial two cents in the comments. read any other books lately that elicited a visceral reaction from you? let's talk about those, too. not right now, though. right now i need to go the fuck to sleep. g'night.

happy birthday, baby brother

james would have been 50 years old today. i know it's a bit odd to refer to him as my baby brother, considering that he was 14 years old when i was born, but that's kind of how i grew up thinking of him and therefore that's what sticks. lots of things stick when i look back on the admittedly complicated relationship james and i had. i'm going to share a few of them in this post and hopefully not dissolve into tears when i click "publish." i think (hope?) these will be new to y'all; if not, pretend like they are, mmkay?

cake batter -- the memories i have of my mother are relatively few and i cherish them more than...damn near anything, really. one of them involved her making a cake and me sneaking a taste from the bowl of batter. innocent enough, right? i couldn't wait to lick the spoon or the beaters from the mixer, b/c i was all of 4 or 5 and the concept of patience was lost on me, so i'd dip my finger(s) in the batter. usually i was somehow able to do this without getting busted, which, in hindsight, probably meant that mama was just choosing to overlook the breach.

not this time, though. this time, i'd forgotten that i was in the middle of a massive coloring project when i snuck a taste. i had marker ink all over my fingers and, yes, that ink somehow transferred into the cake batter. did i know this? nope. did i lie when mama asked if i'd put my fingers in the batter? absolutely. did i get called into the kitchen to be confronted with the evidence of my crime, only to be banished to my room to await my punishment? yup.

enter james. he somehow thought that i could convince our dear mother to spare the rod if i apologized. specifically, he thought if i wrote/drew her a letter saying that i was sorry and asking her not to whoop me, i might get off the hook. laughable now, but y'all know i sat right down and wrote my mother a letter anyway. i think it went something like "dear mama, i'm sorry, please don't whoop me, i love you."

yeah, mama whooped me anyway. i don't think james got off scot-free, either. but i love(d) the fact that he tried to help a sister out.

din da da



the first time i heard this song, i was in the kitchen at our old house. james' room was just off the kitchen and he was playing it. i don't know if it was on the radio or if he'd taped it or what, but i have this really vivid memory of looking in the fridge for something and being completely distracted by what i was hearing. again in hindsight, it was probably b/c this song was way different than the gospel that mama and daddy tended to listen to. on the flip side, james (and greg, and sylvester) also introduced me to smooth jazz (shoutout to wnua 95.5), and i'm reasonably sure that the first time i heard digital underground's "freaks of the industry" was on the radio in james' car. the internet says that "freaks of the industry" was released in 1990, so i was in high school by then and therefore not as impressionable as i could have been, i suppose.

space invaders -- when i was at the arcade the other night, i was all set to relive my childhood by playing duck hunt and shooting the shit out of that asshole dog, and i did, and that was fun. but then i saw space invaders, aka one of the first video games i learned how to play, and i got really excited...until i realized it was broken. womp. and yeah, james had an atari and i'd play space invaders and centipede for as long as he'd let me. before the other night, i hadn't played centipede in...god, at least a decade, if not longer. same goes for duck hunt, and yes, i shot at the dog a bazillion times. i hate that dog. i'm pretty sure everyone who's ever played duck hunt hates that dog. that dog can suck it.

to say that i miss having james around would be an understatement. wait. let me rephrase that. to say that i miss being able to call/email/see/talk to james in person would be an understatement. his spirit's still around, kinda like how my parents' spirits are around. there are still certain quasi-distant relatives of mine who have a hard time looking me in my face b/c i remind them so much of james. sorry, y'all. can't really do anything about that. james & i are our mother's children, after all, and we both look like slightly darker versions of her. funny how no one asks how i feel when i look in the mirror sometimes and see james' face or my mother's face.

but this isn't about me. well, it is, kinda, but you know what i mean. it's about remembering my "baby" brother and some of the cool stuff he taught me/introduced me to. it's also about trying not to freak out over the fact that james would've been 50 and i'll be 36 in december and holy crap i am so old and why is time going so fast, etc.

if heaven exists, i hope that today, james gets to eat all of his favorite foods and listen to all of his favorite music while shooting the shit with the angels/spirits of his choosing. i mean, it should be like that every day in heaven as far as i'm concerned, but i don't make the rules. :P