'twas the night before my birthday...

...and i have absolutely nothing officially planned.

i know. i can't believe it either. i really think moving again broke my brain in a way that i just could not deal with any more logistics or planning or checklists. just thinking about organizing something was enough to send my anxiety levels sky-high, so for once i decided to listen to myself and not force anything. it's a bit weird, because y'all know there is usually an itinerary a mile long posted here with all of the events i'm attending and brunch plans and bar hopping and all of that, but not this year. the celebration, such as it is, will probably still go through mlk day because that's just how i roll.

the move went well, btw. the aforementioned anxiety led to my packing way more than i'd planned to, especially since my estimate was for the movers to pack and move everything because why the hell not if i was getting reimbursed for it? i did have them pack the kitchen stuff, though, but that was about it. they finished in less than 3 hours and my final amount was about half of the original estimate, so yay. i still can't believe i got everything unpacked that afternoon and made it to city winery for a concert that night.

i am slowly getting accustomed to this new space, though. the kitchen's big enough to fit my table and chairs (and the table just happens to coordinate with the kitchen counters, which is hilarious to me) and i have a dishwasher and built-in microwave and a gas stove, praise black jesus, because the electric stove at the old place gave me the occasional fit. i need to figure out some sort of living room seating at some point, but the way my bookcases and the tv are currently set up are appealing to me right now so who knows? shouts to built-in shelving in the living room so i can display my diplomas and some art and other random things i'd had packed away. oh, and the bathroom's new and not pink (if you saw the old one, then you understand), which is great.

it occurred to me this morning that this will be the first birthday i've spent in my own apartment since 2010. that almost induced the ugly crying that my therapist and i keep saying i'm going to indulge in at some point when i look over the events of 2017. that crying jag might still happen whenever i wake up tomorrow. who knows? there's a bottle of expensive scotch (and a couple of bottles of not so expensive stuff) on the counter waiting for me, and the bears were nice enough to lose today so i don't have to worry about watching them be pathetic tomorrow (thank you, scheduling gods), and holy shit i'll be 41 tomorrow. i have no idea what the coming year is going to bring, and part of me is amazed that i'm still around to witness whatever happens, so cheers to that.

recipe reviews: fish house sweet potato hash and apricot glazed bacon wrapped pork tenderloin

quasi-landlord emailed me this pork tenderloin recipe with a note saying that she had an extra jar of apricot preserves that i could have whenever i was ready to try this out. she also had some cajun seasoning that one of us had bought for a different recipe, but she didn't like it as much as some other brand she had so the seasoning came home with me. i had dijon mustard on hand but it wasn't the grainy kind, because jewel was out of small jars of grainy dijon and i wasn't about to go traipsing hither and yon for something that i only needed a tablespoon of for this recipe. i used a 12-inch cast iron skillet and i think i'd have better results on a gas stove and/or if i wasn't cooking a few other things while this was on the stove top. the flavors are great, but the bacon wasn't as brown/crispy as i thought it should be. i'd make it again if i happen to catch pork tenderloin on sale or just had one in the freezer that i wanted to make use of.

i overbaked the sweet potatoes for this hash, which was annoying because the resulting texture wasn't really what i wanted. i probably should've checked the potatoes after 40 minutes or so in the oven, but in my defense, the potatoes i had were kinda large and so i figured they'd need the full hour. oops. i used 1/2 teaspoon each of dried thyme and sage because no way was i buying fresh herbs when i only needed a teaspoon or two of them. the garlic cloves i had were on the large side, so i only used 2. this is a great side dish and i would make it again, keeping an eye on the sweet potatoes as they're baking so they're still kinda firm.

sad sunday into melancholy monday

o hai, it me, still recovering emotionally from yesterday's church shooting. i'm glad i was at home when the news broke, so i could just go back to bed and cry for a bit after i did a mini-thread on twitter, because i'm not sure i could've handled being out in public and trying to hold it together. as it was, i wound up at a couple of my regular haunts in the evening and definitely wasn't feeling my usual sunday funday self. i totally woke up around 3am today because i was having a nightmare. it was frustrating because i knew when i went to bed that i was feeling more susceptible than usual to nightmarish thoughts thanks to the shooting, but i couldn't get my brain to skip over them so i could try to rest. luckily, it's been relatively quiet at work (where i wrote this originally) today so i can continue trying to get my shit together.

during my last visit, i told my therapist that i am trying to be better about focusing on the things i can actually control. there's no off switch i can flip for my empathy, but i can try to hone in on actionable things, be they big or small, that i can actually do something about. it doesn't always work and my anxiety is still on a trillion, but sometimes it helps me if i can cross off one or two things that i have some say over.

i also told her that i still find myself wishing for some semblance of normalcy in my life. that it feels like nothing in the past decade or so has really gone the way i thought it would. that i'm really frustrated by how little control i have over some things and the things i can actually control don't play out the way i want them to or think they should and then i find myself wondering why i even bother.

like the whole moving back into my own place thing. some of y'all know that my apartment building was sold, unbeknownst to me, as i signed a lease and started moving in back in june. the now-current management company told me upfront that my lease wouldn't be renewed in the spring, and then made a paltry offer if i decided to break my lease and move by, say, october. to my credit, i didn't laugh in their faces (seriously, the initial offer was ridiculous and wouldn't have covered nearly enough of my moving expenses).

a few weeks ago, i ran into some of the management staff on my day off and found out that the construction they'd already started on some of the vacant units was going to be ramped up after the end of november. keep in mind that my lease runs through may 2018. i still wasn't all that worried - i work monday-friday from 9-5(ish) so if the construction's happening during the day, i didn't think it'd be all that inconvenient. "but there'll be water shutoffs, and power outages, and we can't guarantee that everything will be working every night when you get home."

then they brought up a potential lease buyout and moving assistance, which was closer to what i wanted to hear if they really wanted me to move before the end of my lease. what nailed it for me was hearing that i would be the last tenant standing, so to speak, after the end of november. we all know that i'm the queen of the universe and have a tough demeanor and all, but nothing about being the only person living in a building where contractors and other folks i don't know are going to be in and out sat well with me. it still doesn't, to be honest. it's like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up whenever i think about it.

so the apartment search has begun, again, and i am getting annoyed with listings that don't provide address information (not even cross streets!) or photos, again, and my anxiety is back through the roof again because what if these new management companies take a look at my credit and laugh themselves silly while pocketing my application fees?

i'm trying to stay focused, though. i went on a few showings this weekend and found one in my current neighborhood and budget that doesn't suck. i am still hammering out the details of this move-out agreement with my current management company because if i'm going to move for the 2nd time in 6 months, i want them to shoulder as much of the financial and logistical brunt of it as possible. of course some intriguing units are popping up in my old neighborhood now that i've been spoiled by my shorter work commute, so i may check one or two of them out just to see if they're viable.

part of me can't help but to laugh at all of this, because why would anything in my life proceed normally and according to plan. i visited quasi-landlord a couple of weeks ago because i was totally freaking out and i knew she could help me see reason or at least help me start thinking about things in a rational way. she helped me clarify what i want, what i'm willing to work with/accept, and, god bless her, offered to take me back in if this current plan doesn't work out so i can save money and move back out in the springs when there are more listings to choose from. i don't plan on that happening, but i really do love her for making the offer.

i keep saying to myself, and to my therapist, and to the friends i've talked to off-line about this, that things will work out because they have to. i may not have the how or when nailed down yet, but they are going to work out because there's no choice. i am going to make things work out because i really don't know any other way to operate. sometimes, i really wish there was another way for me to function, though. maybe i wouldn't be as anxious or feel like i have to keep everything moving because the alternative is to fall flat on my face.

recipe reviews: curried chicken stew and sausage-and-potato pan roast

i knew i had a relatively empty schedule saturday morning/afternoon, so it was a perfect time for me to get a bit of meal prep done for the coming week. for breakfast, i revisited off this sausage & cheese scramble recipe that i've made off and on for years. i had two entrees in mind for lunch and dinner. this curried chicken stew was dinner for tonight and will likely be dinner for the rest of the week. i skipped all the garnishes and i think i'd add a bit more coconut milk if i made this again. i have a 4 quart crockpot and set it for 4 hours on high, turning everything off after about 3.5 hours. oh, and i seasoned the chicken with salt and pepper before browning it, and added a minced garlic clove to the carrots & onion.

the sausage and potato pan roast will probably be used for lunches this week. i had a few bites yesterday and tonight and i like where the flavors are going. i didn't have any lemons on hand but i did have a lime, so i used that instead. i opted to peel the shallots instead of leaving them unpeeled as directed by the recipe, because i didn't want to have to worry about peeling them after the fact.

recy taylor is still alive

(TW: rape)

every year, i say i'm going to be better about planning my chicago international film fest schedule, and every year, the fest sneaks up on me and i feel like i have to scramble to get tickets for the films i really want to see.

"the rape of recy taylor" was one of the films on my list for this year. i no longer remember who recommended "at the dark end of the street" to me, but i remember reading it and being fascinated. here was rosa parks, years before the bus boycott, working to help fellow black women get justice in an environment that couldn't even fathom such a thing for such a people. and here was recy, daring to stand up and speak up about what had happened to her, consequences be damned.

needless to say, i was in tears within the first 10 minutes of the movie. sadness, yes, but also anger. knowing that so many of us are still dealing with and healing from all kinds of trauma. that shit like this still happens with what feels like impunity. that no one believes us when we say "this is a thing that happened to me." i caught myself on the verge of kicking the chair in front of me, which i hadn't done since i watched "fruitvale station" in the theater and cried so much that i gave myself a migraine.

but then.

y'all.

recy taylor is still alive.

at the end of the film, we see and hear from recy directly and i am getting weepy just typing about it right now. i remember thinking to myself that i'd just managed to pull it together and then recy comes on screen and holy waterworks, batman. i apparently had cried so much during the movie that, on our way out, a woman nearby asked if i was going to be ok. i'm sure my eyes were red and my face was all blotchy. i wound up taking a lyft home from the theater because i was emotionally drained and i wasn't sure i could make it home on public transit. i think i wound up going to bed insanely early that night, too.

worth it, though.

and then this piece from bitch landed in my inbox this morning. i saw "marshall" (for free!) a week before it opened in theaters, thanks to a screening hosted by my employer, and a lot of the thoughts/feelings i had about the movie are addressed in that essay.

this is what happens when you read a lot, i suppose. at the "marshall" screening, i was surrounded by people who admitted that they didn't know much about thurgood marshall. i was at an advantage because i'd read this biography which, if memory serves, mentions the case that the movie focuses on. i could totally be wrong about that, but i remember watching the movie in a "well, of course this is what happens" kind of way. people left the screening waxing poetic about how much they'd learned and i felt like maybe i wasn't the target demographic for the movie, lol. absurd, of course, given that the director and producer were in my employer's nyc office urging all of us to take our book clubs and sororities and church groups and families and friends to see the movie when it opened. (i didn't, obviously. my review can be summed up like this: i'm glad i saw it for free.)

i suppose this could be chalked up to the difference between a documentary and a mainstream feature, maybe. that maybe there's more room in documentaries to flesh out stories that need to be told, even if your audience has read or is at least familiar with the source material.

speaking of documentaries: please plan on watching "sighted eyes/feeling heart" when it airs on pbs next year. i've seen three movies at the international film festival and this lorraine hansberry doc is my favorite so far. also i realized that i still get emotional when i see ruby dee and/or ossie davis on screen. sigh.

recipe review: meal prep edition

around this time last saturday, give/take a couple of hours, i was sitting down at the table after spending 2 hours in the kitchen prepping food for the coming week. it paid off because i didn't have to cook anything and i still have a little bit of food left that i will probably use for breakfast early next week. here's what i made:

i'm kinda obsessed with these mini frittatas. you might remember that after i made them the first time, i said that i'd try them again with pancetta and possibly some red bell pepper, and that's what i did. a 1/4 lb. of diced pancetta, 1 red bell pepper, and some shredded mozzarella and parmesan cheeses. i think i should've used a bit more black pepper, but otherwise i was happy. next time around, i may try them with some bacon sausage and broccoli or some other vegetable. maybe mushrooms? i dunno. i know i had breakfast set for the week and it was nice to not worry about what i was going to eat first thing in the morning.

next up was a roasted sweet potato and black bean salad. i used a spinach and arugula blend for the salad greens and this was my lunch all week. there were a couple of days when i went down to the cafeteria at work and bought some diced chicken and/or turkey because i felt like i needed some additional protein. i'd probably scale back on the mint because it got to be a bit overwhelming for me.

i found a recipe for maple-glazed chicken from this cookbook and realized i hadn't made it in ages, if ever, so this also happened. again, i'd scale back on the mint (or use basil instead). i think my chicken pieces were too large, so i'd probably adjust that as well. 

i'd never cooked with escarole before i made this, so i had no idea how much the escarole would shrink/wilt - it's like spinach in that regard. i may try a variation of it with collard greens for my new year's day* meal. this is the dish that i still have a little bit of in the fridge that will probably be re-purposed for breakfast/lunch next week.

earlier in the day, i'd made a batch of this punch with "regular" orange juice and had it with sparkling cider. i'd definitely try it again with sparkling wine.

i was exhausted by the time i was done cooking and cleaning, but in my defense, i'd been up since 6am and was running on fumes anyway. this past week was super busy and it definitely worked in my favor to not have to worry about what i wanted to eat, except for sunday when i wound up stopping for food because i didn't want anything i'd made the night before. :P

my dear miss sharon jones

i haven't been feeling 100% lately. i've been in and out of migraine hell since friday, and my brain keeps doing that thing where i have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS about subjects that i don't really need to ponder all that much and then i can't focus on what really needs my attention. this morning, i woke up out of a nightmare around 5am and felt another headache coming on. if that wasn't bad enough, said nightmare sent me down a mental rabbit hole of things that happened back when i was in high school and led to a slew of anti-epiphanies. this is not an optimal way to start a morning, let me tell you. i really could've used that time to sleep, instead of tossing and turning and trying to get my brain to settle down.

needless to say, being at work today was challenging, especially since i have a giant project going into production tomorrow and therefore it's been a lot of emails and calls and IMs and feeling like i'm juggling 5011 balls in the air while simultaneously herding 5011 cats.

i got back to my desk after a meeting this morning and decided to catch up on instagram before i settled back into work. this post about sharon jones' forthcoming album broke me. i didn't actually cry at my desk, but i came pretty damn close. i did the math on the release date and realized the album will be out right before thanksgiving, which means i can spend the holiday eating and drinking my feelings with this as my soundtrack. is it weird that i'm looking forward to having time off around thanksgiving because i may just decide to veg out the whole time? no? good.

recipe review: broccoli and bacon muffin tin frittatas

i like having breakfast in the morning. i don't necessarily like making breakfast in the morning, but i like eating it. i don't always want to spend money on breakfast before heading to work, either, so that means i'm either having leftovers or something else on hand for breakfast.

this recipe appealed to me because i love broccoli and bacon and hell yeah i can have breakfast on hand for a few days and not have to think about it . sign me up! i had frozen organic broccoli florets on hand, so i pulled out a 16oz bag of those and thawed them in the fridge overnight. i had a triple cheddar blend in the fridge along with a bit of gouda, so i used both because cheese is delicious.

i'm already thinking of making these again, but maybe with pancetta instead of bacon. not sure what veggie(s) i'm going to use yet, but i'll think of something.

recipe review: slow-cooker kielbasa and white bean cassoulet

i think i'd put this recipe in one of my "try making this soon" piles because i knew i had smoked sausage in the freezer that i could use in place of the kielbasa. i used great northern beans because those were the only dried white beans available at jewel when i went. i sorted and rinsed the beans before they went into the pot. i think i used 3 cloves of garlic instead of 2, and i used about a 1/2 teaspoon of dried thyme because the hell with buying fresh thyme if i only need 2 teaspoons of it. i set the slow cooker for 7 hours on low and hot damn did those beans come out perfectly tender. i'm sure i'll revisit this later in the fall or winter.

recipe review: thai turkey lettuce cups

i had a pound of ground turkey in the freezer that, i swear, was starting to openly mock me every time i looked at it. i didn't want to make pasta sauce with it, or meatballs, or any of the usual ideas, but inspiration was not all that forthcoming.

then i started reading the latest issue of cooking light, saw this recipe, and decided i could skip the lettuce cups part and just make the turkey and sauce mixture because i knew i already had everything i needed on hand! it turned out, though, that i only have dark brown sugar and not light brown sugar, but i wasn't going to let that stop me.

i am so making this again. i'm sure it'd be great with ground chicken as well. i ate it with steamed veggies and some brown rice and was quite pleased. it'll probably be a good meal to make for weekday lunches as well, either with veggies and/or rice or as a topping/added protein for a salad.

recipe review: sausage and kale stew with olive oil mashed potatoes

i'd had my eye on this recipe for a while, actually. once i remembered that i had a pound of "ground"/"loose" italian sausage in the fridge, i realized the time was right to try this one out.

i used 3 garlic cloves (shocking, i know) and reduced the water from 1 cup to about 3/4 cup. i have a 4-quart slow cooker, so i knew that using more water would make this more soupy than i wanted. instead of the ~7 cups of kale called for, i used a package of this kale blend and it worked out great. i set the timer for about 7.5 hours on low and the potatoes were perfectly tender when i took them out to mash them.

i'm not sure i'd make the mashed potatoes with olive oil again, though. it was my first time using olive oil in mashed potatoes and the taste and consistency was a bit different than i'm used to. the stew was great, though, so i can totally see myself making it again.

once a wildcat...?

i graduated from northwestern almost 20 years ago (holy shit i am the old) and while i always tell people that if i had it to do all over again, i'd go back to nu in a heartbeat, there are still some things that bugged me and continue to bug me about the school/administration/environment. enrollment and retention of minority and traditionally underrepresented populations has improved marginally over time, but i can still remember being downright giddy when a freshman class had 10% black people because omg we'd broken double-digits. (told y'all i was old.)

i still subscribe to the nu alumni newsletter/magazine and attempt to at least skim the alumni emails that land in my inbox. there was part of a note i received today that piqued my interest, so i followed the link and read about a new homecoming tradition at my alma mater.

instead of electing a traditional homecoming king and queen, there will be a single homecoming wildcat. it sounds kinda cheesy, i know, but this is what really sold me:

"The 12-person Homecoming Royalty Court formerly included six men and six women; the 12 top candidates will now be selected regardless of gender."

i will be the first to admit that i did not have the understanding or vocabulary to knowledgeably discuss gender identity some 20-something years ago, so as much as current me would like to be all "y'all should've done this way before now," i can't honestly say that because such a thought probably wouldn't have even occurred to me back then.

but here we are, in the year of our lord and savior black jesus 2017, and i am proud of northwestern for making a step in the right direction. here's to being a wildcat.

recipe review: chickpeas and spinach

who goes grocery shopping after work on a friday and then comes home to do some meal prep? o hai, it me. this is one of 2 new to me recipes that i tried out this weekend. i'd originally copied this from jacques pepin's cookbook and decided to pull it out of a recipe binder while trying to think through veggie ideas that weren't just sauteed spinach or steamed broccoli or green beans. the recipe in that youtube video is slightly different from the one i have, which calls for a 16oz can of chickpeas, a pound of baby spinach, canola oil instead of olive oil, and no vinegar. of course i added a clove of minced garlic because obviously jacques and/or his recipe tester/book editor forgot to include garlic somehow. 😊

i had 2 servings as a side dish for dinner on friday and saturday and took the rest for my lunch today. i am so making this again, y'all. i may try it with cannellini beans instead of chickpeas next time.

fun fact: i started typing "chicken" every time i typed "chickpeas" in this post. carnivorous habits die hard, i guess.

recipe review: roasted autumn vegetables & chicken sausage

i've been trying to spend a bit more time going through my binders full of recipes to come up with new (to me) dinner ideas. i knew i had a pack of chicken sausage in the freezer and could use that as a starting point.

i don't normally like brussels sprouts unless there's bacon involved or they're mixed with other vegetables. since this recipe calls for butternut squash and brussels sprouts, i figured i could give it a try. the chicken sausage is from a local vendor and was a special "bohemian chicken" variety that's reminiscent of roasted chicken. there were 6 links in the package so i used all of them. i think i wound up with 1.5 pounds of brussels sprouts before i trimmed them. the package of cubed & peeled butternut squash was 16oz, so that kinda evened things out as far as i was concerned. i used dried rosemary and dried sage, and since there were 5 cloves of garlic left on the bulb, i used all five. (i know you're all stunned by that, lol.) i eyeballed the salt and pepper as usual. after the initial 10 minutes of roasting, i stirred the veggies, added the sausage links, and roasted everything for another 30 minutes, stirring once about halfway through.

verdict? my opinion on brussels sprouts hasn't changed. we'll see if/how the flavors meld after a night in the fridge.

recipe review: road trip string bean and tomato salad

i bought a pound of green beans the other day because they were on sale and i knew i'd be going at least a little cooking this weekend. i also knew i wanted to try something a bit different from just boiling them or a simple saute. since i was working from home yesterday, i had time to go through my binders full of recipes for potential ideas. i read this one and although i didn't have balsamic vinegar or tomatoes on hand, i knew i was going back to the grocery store so picking those items up wouldn't be a problem.

there were 3 cloves of garlic left on the bulb i had, so i used all three. i wound up adding a bit more olive oil and a bit more balsamic vinegar because i didn't feel like i had enough dressing to coat everything. it tasted great last night and i'm interested to see how the flavors meld together after hanging out in the fridge.

recipe review*: bratwurst & veggie skillet

*-not sure if this counts as a review per se, since i didn't follow the recipe so much as i used it for inspiration.

i had a package of bratwurst in the freezer that needed to be used, but i didn't want to break out the grill pan and i wasn't really in the mood for making beer brats. to the interwebz i went and found the recipe linked above. in finding the link to copy/paste it here, i realized that i inadvertently left out both the cayenne pepper and the dried oregano when i made this the other night. i printed the recipe while i was at work and somehow those 2 ingredients got left off the page. oops.

there were 5 bratwurst in the package, so i thawed and sliced all of them. i used 6 small-to-medium red potatoes that i scrubbed and diced, along with the 2 red bell peppers and the sweet onion specified in the recipe. i found some baby rainbow carrots at the farmers market, so i peeled, washed, and cut them to use instead of the zucchini. i have roasted garlic powder instead of regular garlic powder because i wasn't paying close attention to the label when i bought it, but this is a good problem to have, imo.

i am still getting accustomed to how my oven works, so i let this bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, stirred everything around a bit, and let it continue baking for another 25 minutes or so until the potatoes and carrots i tested were tender. upon further review, i discovered that some of the potatoes were still a bit on the firm side, but not in an inedible way. i may freeze some of this to see how it holds up.

if/when i try it again, i'll probably use a different kind of sausage. maybe sweet potatoes or butternut squash instead of red or russet potatoes. probably carrots again, or maybe parsnips? we'll see.

on: saying "no" to yourself

we hear a lot about self-care. about putting yourself first. about treating yourself. about saying "yes" to yourself and the things that make you happy or bring you peace or whatever. but what about saying "no?"

i had some downtime yesterday between outings and decided to go home, have some lunch, do a bit of meal prep, maybe take a nap, and maybe clean my apartment before heading back out. the cleaning part was really weighing on me because i'd had to give myself permission to skip everything domestic last weekend (except for laundry and dishes) because i was way too busy and i just didn't have it in me to do anything else. even that was a struggle. i wish i'd kept count of how many times i said something like "ugh, i really need to vacuum" or "i wonder if i can pay someone just to clean my bathroom" last weekend. it was a struggle but since i'd said "yes" to doing all of the social things, i knew something had to give.

back to yesterday. i had my lunch and did my meal prep and was all set to maybe vacuum before taking a nap, but suddenly my body was like "nope." instead, i read for a little bit and then dozed off for, i dunno, maybe 30 minutes tops? i woke up and immediately knew something was off. i had the beginnings of a headache and i felt a bit queasy, which i was willing to chalk up to maybe drinking too much too quickly on a relatively empty stomach, but as i got out of bed, i realized that i was in actual physical pain. my apartment's not huge and yet walking from my bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen felt like a chore. this, of course, did not bode well for the last event on my calendar, but i figured i still had time to at least start cleaning up before heading out. i took an aleve, drank some water and some ginger ale, and decided that i could at least vacuum the apartment before i left and worry about the rest of the cleaning when i got back that evening.

by the time i finished vacuuming, though, i still wasn't feeling quite right. the queasiness had eased up a bit but was still lurking, as was the headache - which made me think that maybe a migraine was coming - and moving around my apartment still left me feeling as though i was literally dragging myself around.

i gave myself 10 minutes to sit back down, figuring that i could still get dressed and head over to my destination. i was only going ~5 blocks from home, so i decided that if things got really bad, i could just leave the event and head back home. on foot, of course, because the cta doesn't want me to have nice things like service on the #11 or the #37 on weekends or, as was announced this afternoon, no service on the #11 at all come september.

i was all set to say "yes" because i was going to a reading of a new/in-progress play, which is one of my favorite ways to enjoy the theater. also the playwright in question has written other works that i've enjoyed, and based on the synopsis i'd read, this production would also be right up my alley. oh, and it was free. all of the boxes were checked for a "yes."

and yet i had to say "no." the thought of getting dressed and walking to the venue and back was almost enough to make me want to cry. i was that physically tired. it's like the nap did nothing. the headache and queasiness were pretty much gone at that point (hooray for no migraine!), but i knew the best thing for me would be to curl up in bed with a book and relax, so i did.

that really fucking annoying voice in my head wouldn't shut up about the apartment cleaning, though. i think i read for almost 2 hours and the whole time, that tiny voice was all "what about the bathroom? weren't you going to swiffer the kitchen? what about the counters?" i finally gave in later in the evening and got up to clean the bathroom. i had to work in stages and take water breaks and rest between each task because my body was still in full "what is this whole moving around thing NOPE NOPE NOPE" mode, but it got done. then i made a cup of tea and ate the english toffee brownie i'd bought at the farmers market on saturday (note to self: go back and buy more of those brownies) and caught up on a few emails and other things online until i was ready to officially call it a night...after i swiffered the kitchen as my last productive act.

i felt all of the guilt about saying "no" to my previous plans. i'm almost positive that i would've loved the reading, and that i would've made it home without incident, and obviously i was just exaggerating about how tired i was and how unwell i felt and i shouldn't be so lazy. (did i mention that the annoying voice in my head is really fucking annoying? because it is.)

i woke up this morning feeling much improved over yesterday, which was good because i absolutely needed to be functional at work today. it's a short work week for me (o hai breast mri on friday! i couldn't forget about you if i tried!) and i'm on deadline, so being able to focus and get my work done is kind of a bigger deal than usual.

would that have been possible if i'd pushed myself to go out last night? knowing me, i would've found a way to power through today somehow, but i'm pretty sure i would've still felt like shit and not just in a "ugh mondays could you not?" kind of way.

so this is august...

today is august 1st.

i am 10 days away from having an mri exam on my breasts. please don't panic (because i'm doing enough of that for all of us, trust me) - i have not detected anything amiss, nor have my doctors, but given my family history and risk factors, we all want to err on the side of caution. also i want to do it while i still have employer-provided insurance because god only knows what's going to happen with that.

after i made the appointment for the exam, i called quasi-landlord to ask if i could crash with her the night before so she could drive me to the hospital, because i realized that worry about the logistics wasn't something i really wanted to deal with. i also asked the staff to prescribe some sort of anti-anxiety meds for the exam because we all know my hospital phobia is real as fuck and no one wants me freaking the fuck out. also the exam is supposed to take 45 minutes (heh) and there's no way i'm going to be calm and still for that long in that setting. q-l says we can go have breakfast afterwards because she knows i won't be hungry beforehand and the meds will have me loopy enough to need something on my stomach.

let's talk about how proud i am of myself for 1) remembering to make the appointment in the first place and 2) reaching out to q-l for help. y'all know how forgetful i can be. i can also be stubborn as hell and feel as though i can do everything by my damn self and then i'm wondering why i'm so fucking tired and anxious and depressed. sometimes you gotta outsource some shit.

so, yeah. i haven't said much about the exam even though it's been on my calendar for damn near a month. i am actively trying (and failing) to panic as the date gets closer. i am super duper vigilant about breast self-exams and i've already had 2 mammograms this year, thanks to the first set of results being inconclusive. that was fun, let me tell you. i know in my heart of hearts that there is nothing wrong and that there should be no surprises when the exam results come back. this is not just me being ridiculously optimistic. i really do believe this.

and yet, my brain works in mysterious ways and sometimes it likes to overthink things and panic when there is no logical reason to do so. it's a blast. if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong, i know that i can pull together some semblance of a plan and go forward after i have my initial "omg wtf is even happening right now" breakdown. that's what i do. i freak out for a minute (hour, day, month, whatever) and then i get back to work. sometimes, though, my brain doesn't allow me to work through things in a sensible way and i wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe because "what if they find something?" i am a goddamn ray of sunshine in those moments.

this month is also momentous for me because james would have been 55 this year and that is totally and completely fucking with me. sometimes i forget that he was only 46 when he died. when i'm really committed to wallowing in self-pity, i rage about how fucking unfair it is that he died so goddamn young and how dare he be taken from me and carol and everyone else who loved him when it's so obvious that we still need(ed) him around? if i allow myself to be honest outside of my therapy sessions, i can acknowledge how selfish i'm being and how i obviously had no control over when/how my brother was going to die and of course none of it is my fault. then i start feeling like a big bay because i miss him so much still that, again, if i allow myself to be open and honest about it, it physically feels like a part of me is missing. like there's a hole in my chest that can't be repaired. it stinks. i don't like it.

i was all set to get a tattoo (both daddy and james had the same first and middle initials, which made my decision easier) on what would've been on james' 55th birthday this year, until i realized it's the day before my friends' wedding. the tattoo will happen before the year is out, though. it's the only remaining item on my original "get your shit together" list. you may recall that the other items on the list were paying off my eviction, having fibroid surgery, and moving into my own place. all of those boxes have been checked and unpacked. i will somehow power through my dislike of needles and get this tattoo on at least one area of my body.

james would have been 55 and lori would have been 56 this year. did i mention how much this sucks? because it really does. of course their birthdays are a day apart because god in his infinite wisdom wanted to make sure that i could suffer in concentrated chunks of time vs. spreading that shit out. i'm ok with that part, actually. i tried explaining this to my therapist during my annual february/march doldrums and i'm sure she thought i was protesting too much at first, but when i broke down the schedule of dates and how/why they have such an impact on me, i think she came around.

my mri exam is on lori's birthday, which is the day before james' birthday. my friends' wedding is two days after the mri exam. i didn't have the birthdays in mind when i scheduled the exam but i was thinking of the wedding, since i was already taking that monday off as a recovery day (because drinking), so i figured i might as well get an extra long weekend out of it.

with that said, my current approach to this month is to make it to this wedding without completely losing my shit. if i survive the next, oh, 2 weeks or so, then i should be able to get through the rest of august relatively unscathed. hopefully. *knocks on wood* *crosses fingers* *prays to saints* *lights candles*

recipe review: muffin-tin quiches with smoked cheddar and potato

i have been about that savory breakfast life for a little bit now, which is kinda hilarious to me because my sweet tooth is still going strong. maybe it's because i'm usually having a mimosa or 5 with brunch and i feel like i need a savory entree to balance out the sugar? yeah, let's go with that. it sounds plausible enough.

this recipe has a few of my favorite things: potatoes, cheese, and spinach. don't be like me and use an entire container of baby spinach in this recipe, though. i made this on friday evening and realized i probably wouldn't finish the rest of the spinach before it went bad, so into the mixing bowl it went. in hindsight, i probably should've added another egg or two to even out the consistency a bit. as it was, i let these bake for, oh, maybe 35 or so minutes instead of the 25 minutes listed in the recipe. i also added a couple cloves of minced garlic (yes, i did go to the store just to buy more garlic after i made that last batch of chili) because, well, i just figured it was an oversight of some sort that this recipe didn't call for any garlic. there's potatoes and spinach and cheese! why would you not add garlic to that deliciousness?

as an aside, i would like to point out that past me packed away a muffin tin and a grater, but not a potato masher. i discovered this when i decided to make mashed potatoes with the potatoes i'd bought for this recipe but didn't use. i just let the potatoes boil for what seemed like forever or until i could mash them with the back of a spoon.

back to the recipe, though - added garlic, dumped in way more spinach than was called for, adjusted the cooking time...oh! i had some cubed smoked gouda (which has been a "not-quite-impulse buy but definitely not on my shopping list" purchase the past couple of trips to jewel) in the fridge, so i added a few cubes along with the grated smoked cheddar. mmmm....cheese...

i did not freeze any of these because i'm having them for breakfast this week. i like them as they are, and i'm sure they'd be better if i hadn't gone overboard with the spinach and messed up the consistency. i also like that they're vegetarian and that this is something that could be made in advance for a brunch or a brinner party. oooh, a brinner party. i would totally go to a brinner party. i don't think i've done brinner yet since i moved in. i should make that happen soon.

recipe review: italian sausage chili

this is one of the recipes that caught my eye while i was organizing my recipe binders a couple of weeks ago. i knew i had italian sausage in the freezer and that there was a carton of chicken broth in the pantry, so it was just a matter of picking up the other ingredients.

me being me, i used 6 cloves of garlic instead of 4. i just happened to have 6 cloves left and decided it was a sign to use them all. some of the cloves were thinly sliced. some were not. if i had it to do again, i'd probably just use my garlic press and mince the garlic that way. i used a package of johnsonville italian sausage, which i think clocks in at around 19 ounces or so. the cannellini beans were low-sodium, as was the chicken broth. no parsley was used. i had a few scallions left from the turkey fried rice i'd made the night before, so i sliced those up and added them with the bell pepper, onion, and garlic. i also added some italian seasoning at the end - maybe a teaspoon or so? i was eyeballing it so who knows what the exact measurement was on that.

i made this on wednesday and didn't actually eat any of it until last night. chili's one of those dishes that tastes better the longer it has time to sit and let all the flavors hang out and become best friends. i put a serving in the freezer and have had 2 bowls of it so far, and i'm pretty sure there's at least 3 servings left in the fridge, so that whole "serves 4" thing may not be the most accurate. i'd make this again, possibly with chicken chorizo from whole foods (usually available at the meat counter - sometimes you have to order it in advance and they'll make it for you) and with minced/pressed garlic. maybe a red/orange/yellow bell pepper instead of green, depending on what's on sale. maybe diced tomatoes instead of plum tomatoes? oh, the possibilities...lol