recipe review: apples fried with bacon

i saw this recipe online last week and instantly decided to make it. it helped that i had a majority of the ingredients on hand already and only needed to pick up a lemon.

i used 4 fuji apples (the apples were on the small side) and 4 slices of bacon, along with a teaspoon of dried sage. i don't have an apple corer, so i quartered the apples first and then cut the core out of each piece. i had a couple of servings yesterday and tonight with dinner and there may be another serving left, so i'm not so sure about the "serves 4 to 6" part.

i'd try it again with gala apples and fresh sage if i happen to have some on hand.

recipe review: chicken and arugula pasta salad

i was flipping through my binders full of women recipes, filing away ones i'd printed recently and pulling out ones that sounded interesting in that moment. one of them was for this pasta salad that i thought would be great for lunches.

i bought a box of regular (read: not whole wheat) rotini and a package of perdue short cuts, since jewel was out of shredded rotisserie chicken and i wasn't in the mood to buy a whole rotisserie chicken just for this recipe. i bought a tomato from the farmers market and, while i was there, stopped in to see my preferred cheese vendors. they were out of brie but had just enough camembert to approximate what i needed here. i added sea salt to the boiling water for the pasta because i'm not a big fan of unsalted pasta.

when i make this again, i think i'd steep the shallot and garlic (used 2 cloves, btw) a little longer than 5 minutes because the shallot was still a bit too raw/bitter for my taste, even as the week progressed.

recipe review and other randomness

i tried a recipe for slow cooker bacon-braised greens yesterday. i was all set to link it here for review purposes, but i copied the recipe from a cookbook and of course i don't remember which cookbook it was, so it's damn near impossible for me to find it now. in sum: cook some chopped bacon (i used 4 slices of regular bacon; the recipe calls for 2 thick-cut slices) in a skillet until crispy, then add the bacon and its rendered fat to a slow cooker. i used a 16oz bag of stemmed and chopped collard greens that i sorted and rinsed (the recipe also suggests kale or mustard greens if you're into that). add the greens and 1/4 teaspoon of kosher salt to the slow cooker. the recipe calls for 1 tablespoon of hot sauce but since i don't actually use hot sauce, i went with about 3/4 teaspoon of a sriracha seasoning blend that i had on hand.

stir everything together and cook on low for 3-4 hours. the recipe is for a 5- to 8-quart slow cooker. my crock pot is 4 quarts, so i set the timer for 4 hours on low. probably could've gotten away with 3.5 hours. very little moisture left behind and a few of the greens got a little charred/crispy. not complaining, though.

also, frontera's carnitas cooking sauce is my new jam when pork country-style ribs are on sale. i've tried it twice, both in the slow cooker, and it's delicious.

as for the other randomness...i applied for a potential promotion at work and have been trying not to freak out about it. my boss and i have an understanding - while i'm happy in my current role, i would use this year to at least start scanning the internal landscape to see if anything caught my eye. worst case is that i don't get this potential promotion and things proceed as usual, which is actually fine except for those days when i want to punch everyone in the face.

my friends had a baby and kept the news off of social media until a week after the baby's birth. i can't stop gushing over the pictures and now i can stop worrying about accidentally referring to the pregnancy online. it's funny because this isn't the first time i've had to keep the news of a friend's pregnancy to myself. your secrets are safe with me!

i went out saturday night to listen/dance to house music for the first time in what felt like forever. i'm still laughing at the woman who came up to me and said i had to dance with her because her husband went to pee. also amused by the older guy who, once he confirmed that i did indeed know what song was playing, asked me to dance with him not once, but twice. he said he was 50 years old and i realized that i am totally going to be that 50 y.o. dancing to house music with very few fucks to give. i can't wait.

it's not all puppies and rainbows, sadly. quasi-landlord's sister is seriously ill. carol's father (aka 1st c.'s pastor...now pastor emeritus) is fading. i'm trying to be as supportive as i can without taking on all of the emotional energy that comes with these things, which is a challenge. part of me keeps thinking about how they're going to cope with everything after all of the goodbyes have been said and it's heartbreaking. hell, just writing about it is making me teary. it sucks.

and yeah, the world is still on fire and the current administration is still awful. no idea how the mayoral election is going to play out, but i have a few thoughts and none of them are all that pleasant.

but there's music, and books, and good food, and booze, and friends, and all of the other things that make me glad that i'm still around. hopefully y'all have some things of your own that keep you going. if not, let's go exploring! or just sit around and drink. that also works. big fan of that one, actually.

recipe review: pasta with chicken sausage, corn, leeks, and mushrooms

the only ingredient i had on hand for this recipe was the italian chicken sausage. i bought corn and mushrooms at the farmers market, since fresh corn is still in season and i figured why not? i used farfalle pasta since jewel didn't have casarecce and a quick google search in the pasta aisle said that farfalle could be an acceptable substitute.

i used 5 ears of corn since the vendor i bought them from was running a "buy 4, get 1 free" type of special. i also added garlic powder at some point because i realized that this recipe didn't call for any type of garlic and i wasn't willing to rely on the sausage alone to provide garlic flavor. farfalle takes a bit longer to cook than casarecce, so i adjusted the pasta cooking time accordingly.

i'm of the opinion that the "active time" in this recipe assumes that you've already prepped the corn, mushrooms, and leeks. i'm sure the cleaning and chopping of those ingredients took 20 minutes on their own. also, the recipe isn't really clear about when to add the cooked pasta - i added the pasta and then stirred in the butter, lemon zest, and reserved pasta water.

i'd probably make this again with frozen corn and possibly fresh garlic instead of garlic powder. garlic makes almost everything better. i could probably use italian pork or turkey sausages as well, as long as they're cooked in advance so i don't add to the total recipe time.

recipe revisit/review: fried corn

i clipped this recipe from a magazine years ago, but i can't remember the magazine and therefore can't find a link to the specific recipe, so i'm typing it out here. also it'll be easier for me to find the recipe here since the clipping is so small that it tends to get lost in my recipe binder. i usually make this in the summer when corn is plentiful at the farmers markets. this recipe suggests canned corn as an alternative, but i haven't tried that out yet - maybe this winter.

Fried Corn
Makes 12 servings. (note: yeah, ok. never have i ever managed to get 12 servings out of this.)
Prep time: 15 minutes (another note: obviously your prep time may vary, especially if you're doing other things while cooking)
Cooking time: 20 minutes 

Ingredients:
5 cobs of corn or 4 cans of corn, drained
2 tablespoons canola oil
8 strips bacon, diced
3 chopped shallots, diced
1 tablespoon diced garlic
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 cup chicken stock
1 tablespoons organic honey
1/4 cup scallions, cut on a bias
Kosher salt and white pepper to taste 

Cut corn off the cob, or place canned corn in a bowl and set aside. In a medium sauté pan with the oil, slowly cook bacon until crispy. Remove bacon and half of the oil from the pan. Add the shallots, garlic and corn and sauté for 5 minutes. Add flour and chicken stock, cooking on low heat for 5 minutes. Mix in bacon and honey; cook for 2 minutes. Serve dish with scallions on top.

in tonight's version, i misread the quantity of scallions needed and went a bit overboard, but i'm hoping they'll mellow out a bit somehow. i used 6 cobs of corn and felt like i probably could've used 1-2 more. i'm thinking you could halve the oil, if not omit it altogether, and possibly skip having to drain as much oil when you remove the bacon. i have no idea how many garlic cloves i used and i'm pretty sure there were 10 slices of bacon left in the package i had in the fridge, so they all went into the skillet. aside from the overwhelming scallions, i'm pleased with how this turned out.

on: being a child-free woman of a certain age

I again faced a dilemma I’d been struggling with since turning 40: how to counter other people’s disbelief that I, single and child-free, could possibly be enjoying my own life.

i am so glad that this is not my dilemma. i read this nyt piece yesterday about a single woman in her 40s who, as far as i can tell, is living her best life right now. part of me can't believe that she encounters so many people who feel compelled to give unsolicited opinions on her marital and/or parental status (or lack thereof, i suppose).

yes, i occasionally come across someone, usually a stranger, who cannot believe that i don't have kids and have no desire to give birth. i am actually ok with being a 40-something single woman with no parental responsibilities. anyone who knows me relatively well knows that i have never felt the overarching desire for children. quite the opposite, really - i've known since i was a teenager that i didn't want to have kids of my own. being aunt(ie) eulalia is perfectly fine with me and has been for quite some time now.

this poor author, though. imagine being seated at a dinner next to someone you admire and having them tell you that you have a "terrible life." are you jealous, or just rude? (although i could be ok with getting a free steak out of the deal, if i'm being honest.)

My life is full of deeply meaningful relationships that go unrecognized when people tell me “not to worry.”

...If close relationships make people happy, as research suggests, I’m lucky, and grateful, to be inundated with those.

true. so very true. i'm so blessed to have the family i've created. y'all sustain me. you remind me of the differences between being alone and being lonely. basically, y'all are wonderful and amazing and i'm so glad none of you have said anything weird about my lack of progeny to my face because i might have to reconsider our whole relationship at that point.

seeing anita baker in concert: achievement unlocked

y'all.

it finally happened.

i finally saw anita baker in concert last night. i'd had tickets years ago for one of her shows, but it was cancelled. another tour took place while i was unemployed and could barely keep my phone on, so i had to skip that one.

when this farewell tour was announced, i vowed to keep enough money on hand to buy a ticket because there was no way i was gonna miss out again. funny story: before ravinia's season lineup was released, i kept saying that anita was going to play there. i just knew it somehow. when the schedule came out, i literally shrieked with joy: both because anita was part of the lineup and because my prediction was correct.

i got a little emotional before the concert started last night. i was there with quasi-landlord and another good friend of mine, and we still couldn't believe that this show was happening and we were there.

and then the introduction to "fairy tales" started playing and i burst into tears. i've written previously about my love for anita's compositions album (28 years old tomorrow! i know what i'm gonna listen to at work!) and it just hit me all over again. i found myself missing james, since he was the one who introduced me to the album. "fairy tales" is one of my favorite anita baker songs and i was finally hearing it live and in person for the 1st time. i was hanging out with a couple of people who were lifelines for me during that unemployed and technically homeless stretch, and...i was just so full, y'all. i was happy and sad and thankful and reflective and probably some other emotions i'm forgetting, all at once.

i'm so glad i got to experience this. part of me still can't believe it happened. but it totally happened, and i was there, and it was wonderful.

recipe review: brussels sprouts with sausage and cumin

i didn't want to do a full meal prep for this week so much as i wanted to have something for dinner that i would warm up relatively easily because i knew i had a couple of late nights scheduled. i knew there was a pack of italian sausage in the freezer, so i started looking through my files for ideas. i had everything on hand to try this recipe except for brussels sprouts, so i decided to go for it. i've only really come around to enjoying brussels sprouts in the past few years, and only when they're combined with other veggies or, in this case, sausage. i decided to up the quantities a bit and used about a pound of brussels sprouts and a pound of italian sausage and adjusted the cooking times accordingly. i'm actually about to warm up a bowl of this for dinner, but i sampled a little bit after i made it on sunday and i liked where the flavors were going.

recipe review: ginger-scallion chicken

new content at some point, i promise. in the meantime, here's my two cents on this recipe from the new york times cooking section that i tried last weekend. note that you may need to log in or register to see the recipe.

i had 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts and 2-3 boneless skinless chicken thighs in the freezer, so i used all of them for this. peeling fresh ginger reminded me of why i usually opt for dried ginger, but i figured i'd try it for this. i also added 2 minced garlic cloves to the ginger because there's no way that a recipe like this shouldn't have any garlic involved. i didn't actually measure the cilantro so i'm sure i ended up with way more than a cup, so i would probably dial that back a bit next time. also there were no large scallions at jewel when i shopped for this recipe, so i used 3-4 "regular" sized scallions. i think i measured out about a 1/4 teaspoon of sugar and thought it was fine.

i would make this again, more than likely with dried/powdered ginger because lazy. i'm also wondering if pork or turkey would work with this. i don't see why it wouldn't, as long as the cooking times were adjusted accordingly.

the mask i wear is heavy as fuck.

i do not want to be called resilient as a compliment. there is nothing complimentary about being resilient when you've had to develop that skill out of sheer necessity.

resiliency is part of the mask i wear. of course everything is fine. no, i'm not in a perpetual state of anxiety that some fucknut or group of fucknuts is going to ruin my life or the lives of people i care about.

i'm not wondering how freeing it might be to just be out here in the world without worrying if i'm too loud or too meek or too aggressive or too large or not the right kind of large or too educated or not educated enough or too other or not other enough. not contemplating what it would be like to just take up space without having to worry about any potential consequences.

i'm not fighting a daily battle against the constant assault on my humanity. not concerned about being seen as less than when i know good and goddamn well that i can outshine some of these people even when i'm at my most mediocre.

i'm not trying to hold on to the truth that i and the people who look like me are capable of more than even we ourselves can imagine. why would i do that? of course things are horrible everywhere but that has nothing to do with me, right?

wrong.

this mask is heavy as fuck and the shit is exhausting. can there be any honor in resiliency when the alternatives, assuming any exist, are bleak and/or out of reach?

don't tell me i'm taking everything in stride and doing so well and that you'd never be able to cope like i have. of course you'd never be able to. you've never had to.

of course i make it look easy. my survival depends on it.

it doesn't hurt me any less, though. if anything, the pain lingers because i know the hits are gonna keep on coming.

on: female friends

just finished reading this book and have spent a little time thinking about friendships between women off and on all weekend. the author discusses how making and maintaining friendships with other women used to be challenging for her, which, to be honest, is not something i can easily identify with.

i did appreciate that the author quoted a professor who pointed out that viewing friendships as an indulgence as opposed to a necessity, especially when you consider it along racial and socioeconomic lines. white middle and upper class women of a certain age were taught to focus their efforts on finding a husband and taking care of the family. friendships weren't seen as essential. for women who weren't as well off, though, friendships were a part of life. you had to have a network for helping with child care or job hunting or transportation or any other number of things.

that makes sense to me. i can't remember a time when i didn't have friends who are women (or who identify as women). looking back, i can't remember my mother or my sisters-in-law or any other women i grew up with not having female friends, either. after my mother died, i went to live with her best friend's family because daddy couldn't keep working and make sure i got to/from school every day. it was great for me because she had a daughter around my age and we were totally besties. there were always examples of friendships among women (particularly black women) for me to follow. while i heard all kinds of variations of "you need to be independent and be able to take care of yourself and not rely on any man to do it for you" growing up, there wasn't much discussion of how to manage friendships. maybe it was implied, based on how the adults in my world operated. of course you would have friends and spend time with them whenever possible and be there for them. that's just what you do.

i guess that's part of what made this book so fascinating for me. the notion of a woman feeling that friendships with other women aren't important or don't matter or are out of reach just does not compute. yes, i know there are plenty of "i don't like women" or "all my friends are guys" or "women are just too [insert adjective here] to be friends with" women out there. i wonder if they know what they're missing.

i also got to thinking about my female friends, and how they've navigated and continue to navigate various life changes (marriage, kids, deaths of family members or friends, moving, etc.) while maintaining the friendships that they've deemed worthy of honoring and respecting. how we've come to a point where we can identify the people who matter most to us and do what we can to make sure they know how important they are. it's not easy work by any stretch of the imagination, but we do it because the payoff is just so great. there are any number of women i could reach out to right now to chat about various things, both major and minor, and i hope they know they can do the same.

coincidentally enough, the sex and the city movie was on as i finished reading the book. i've seen the movie more than once and when i turned in this afternoon, it was near the end. even though much can and has been said about how the characters from the tv show/movie aren't as relatable as some people would like them to be, i'm still struck by how they stand up for each other. that's what friends are supposed to do. it's amazing when it works and i really think that's why we keep at it. friends are awesome and i am definitely a better person for having y'all in my life. 💜

baconfest chicago 2018: a brief review

another baconfest is in the books. this is good news for my system. the roasted broccoli i made yesterday is already calling my name because holy crap i've consumed a lot of bacon (and a lot of alcohol) these past few days. i'm just happy that i didn't wake up nearly as hungover as i thought i should've, given my whiskey intake. maybe the bacon canceled out the booze somehow? i doubt it, but i'm also not going to argue with whatever science or magic worked in my favor here.

speaking of favor: here are a few things, in no particular order, that i really enjoyed during the friday dinner and saturday lunch sessions at this year's baconfest:

• pork belly clay pot from the roaming hog. i need this food truck to come to the city so i can eat all of the things. so many of us raved about this dish during friday night's session that i'm still kinda shocked that they didn't win the people's choice or golden rasher award. 
• bacon and fried chicken ramen from honey butter fried chicken. full disclosure: i had a bacon-less version of this ramen a while back when the hbfc homies had it on special and omfg that broth. i could drink that broth every day. why am i not drinking that broth every day? if a cup of that broth magically appeared as i type, i'd be 1) pleasantly surprised because i know honey butter is closed on mondays and 2) thrilled because i would so down that broth right now. honey butter won the golden rasher award for the saturday lunch session and i'm guessing that the judges felt the same way i do about that broth because omfg.
• bacon-stuffed chicken wing from burger bar. more full disclosure: i've had their wings, sans bacon, more times than i can count right now, so when i saw this on the baconfest lineup, i knew i had to try it. y'know, for science and quality control purposes. the bite i got was a boneless wing, but apparently there were actual bone-in wings (as god intended!) that the crew decided not to clue me in on. this is fine. i know where they work. they know i'll be in for wings and house wine (aka jameson).
• baconchetta from whirlyball. i know some folks from #thatsite may be reading this and yes, i totally said "you can whirl these balls, bitch!" under my breath when i made it to whirlyball's station. give me bacon and mango/cherry chutney and whipped goat cheese and you are pretty much guaranteed to have a happy customer on your hands because i love all of those things. 
• iberico bacon. this was so good that i totally spent $7 on a 8oz package to take home and stash in my freezer. i regret nothing. 
• bacon crack from nosh this. i had a sample of this friday night and before the saturday lunch session was over, i was handing them money for a bag of it because if you're able to successfully combine two of my favorite foods, you deserve my support. we'll see if this bag, which is still unopened as of this writing, makes it through the week. 

recipe reviews: sausage and cabbage, slow cooker mongolian beef, & chicken with white beans and tomatoes

the past 2 saturdays have been meal prep days for me, which is awesome because it's one less thing i have to worry about during the week.

last saturday's entree (registration may be required if you don't have a nytimes account) came about because i had some italian sausage in the freezer that needed to be used. i only needed to buy cabbage, which worked out because jewel still had cabbage on sale after st. patrick's day. i used a 20oz package of mild italian sausage and 1 head of cabbage that weighed about 3 pounds or so. there was still a bit of liquid left after the initial 2 hour cooking time, so i followed the instructions and let it cook uncovered for an additional 30 minutes.

i ate this for dinner almost every night last week (and took it for lunch at least once) and i am so making this again. i'm sure you could use chicken or turkey italian sausage if that's your thing. i bet it'd be good with hot/spicy italian sausage as well, but i'll leave that to y'all.

i also made a batch of lemon muffins to have for breakfast, but i think i overworked the batter and the resulting texture was not what i wanted and i threw out most of them. i'd made them before to relative success, so i was definitely annoyed by this turnout.

this slow cooker mongolian beef, though. quasi-landlord made this some months ago and enjoyed it so much that she sent me the recipe, along with her notes on how she modified it. per her recommendations, i added 1 red bell pepper that i sliced into strips and cut back the brown sugar to 1/2 cup. there were 3 garlic cloves left in the bulb i was using, so all 3 went in. i used 1/4 teaspoon of ground ginger instead of fresh ginger because that's what i had. quasi-landlord used sirloin tips and i used flank steak that i cut into pieces. i let the beef marinate in the fridge for about 2 hours before adding it to the crock pot for 2 hours on high. the only reason i'm even remotely upset about how this turned out is because the steak came out tough. it tastes delicious and i would totally make this again, but i want to try some different cuts of meat (and possibly boneless skinless chicken thighs) and experiment with the cooking times to see what happens. i had a bowl for lunch on saturday and have another serving packed for lunch tomorrow, along with some veggie fried rice i made with the leftover carrots and green onions. this is when keeping precooked brown rice, soy sauce, and eggs really comes in handy.

that was friday night. saturday's meal prep was this chicken dish, because i had chicken thighs in the freezer and wanted to do something a bit different. i used 3 garlic cloves, added 1/2 cup of white wine to the beans and tomatoes, and skipped the red pepper entirely. the chicken wasn't quite done at the end of the initial cooking time, so i'd say my total time was closer to 55-60 minutes. i had a serving for dinner tonight and while it tasted good, i don't know if i'd make this again - i wasn't as dazzled by this as i was by the other entrees i've made recently.

on: not remembering

i was hanging out with some friends last night and the conversation turned to marvin gaye, which was appropriate, given that yesterday was the anniversary of his death. we were trying to remember how our families reacted to the news of gaye's death, given that we were a bit too young to fully grasp what was happening at the time.

it didn't occur to me right away, but as the night progressed, i realized that the reason i couldn't really remember marvin gaye's death or how anyone around me would have reacted to it was because it would've happened exactly one month after my mother died. 7 year old me probably would've chalked up any crying or sadness as ongoing/residual from the previous month's events. my father would've been focused on figuring out how i was going to get to/from school since his work day started before my school day. i wonder if/how daddy was able to mourn, knowing he still had me and james (who was 21 at the time but still living at home) to be responsible for. if gaye's death would've just been one more thing for him to deal with on top of navigating a new reality that didn't have my mother in it.

to be honest, there's not much i remember after my mother's funeral. i do remember the letter my 2nd grade teacher wrote for our class at the end of the school year - her closing note to me was to have a great summer, work on my math facts, and keep up the good work with my reading. math is still not my strong suit and i have no idea what i did that summer (visits to st. louis and/or mississippi, maybe?), but obviously the reading thing kinda stuck. 😛

so, yeah. i have no idea where i was on april 1, 1984. google says it was a sunday, so i'm sure i went to church that morning, but i could not tell you how the rest of the day went. i wonder if james and/or daddy took a few minutes to mourn in private so i wouldn't see them sad or upset or ask them to explain yet another death. i wonder if they would've even felt comfortable enough doing so. i'd like to think so, but who knows?

meal prep, recipe reviews, and attempting to get back on track

the past month or so did a number on me, for reasons that have been previously discussed here. in an attempt to regain some normalcy, and because i realized that my calendar was relatively open this weekend, i decided to do some meal prep. i'd felt like i hadn't really spent any quality time in my kitchen in a while, and i really think it helps me both mentally and physically when i don't have to give much consideration to what's for dinner or lunch or breakfast when i have available options in my fridge/freezer.

somehow, this turned into a marathon cooking session of seven dishes (eight if you count the refrigerated diced potatoes that i decided to cook so i'd have them on hand as a side dish). i spent a little time earlier in the week going through my recipe binders and picking out things that sounded appealing based on what i had on hand and what i thought i'd be in the mood for. there were a few repeats in the pile (fish cakes, frittatas, and a bbq turkey sloppy joe that i hadn't made in what felt like forever) along with a few new to me ideas. here goes:

parmesan chicken thighs and veggies: i had chicken thighs on hand, so i only had to shop for the veggies. this was dinner last night, with rice vinegar instead of white wine vinegar and carrot chips instead of peeling/cutting carrots. i also added about a 1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder because garlic is delicious. i hadn't used the broiler on this oven yet so there were definitely some well-done spots, but everything still tasted good. i'm probably going to freeze 2 of the thighs and most of the veggies for use as a future lunch or dinner.

maple-mustard glazed chicken: i haven't actually eaten any of this yet, but i will say that i used 1/2 teaspoon of dried thyme instead of fresh, 3 small minced garlic cloves instead of 2 medium sliced, and 1 tablespoon of champagne garlic mustard that i brought back from my nye trip because i don't have any stone-ground mustard on hand. i should probably add some to my grocery list, because the sauce didn't seem to come together as i thought it should. we'll see how it goes after i reheat a serving or two. i actually had all of the ingredients (minus the stone-ground mustard) already on hand.

honey balsamic green beans: green beans were on sale at jewel and i knew i had everything else. this may or may not be a repeat, but since i can't remember the last time i made them, i'm willing to count it as new. yes, it's a paula deen recipe that, in hindsight, she probably "borrowed" from one of her minority employees. blame past me for printing the recipe back in 2010 and holding on to it all this time. full disclosure: those symphony brownies that i used to make all the time back in the day? also a paula deen recipe. we're all tainted. sorry.

dijon fish cakes: i love these so much. i had a bag of tilapia fillets in the freezer, so i knew i'd be making a batch of these because they're so easy and so delicious. i was catching up on barefoot contessa (hooray new season!) and she made a version of these with cod and lobster and that just seemed a bit too decadent for my taste, although i'd probably try them at least once. i used dried tarragon (a teaspoon, maybe?) in place of the dill.

i also made a batch of muffin-tin frittatas with breakfast sausage, yellow (or was it orange?) bell pepper, scallions, and swiss cheese. i had just enough swiss for maybe half of the batch, so i switched to an italian style blend for the rest. those will likely be breakfast for the week.

i wanted to use my crock pot for part of my meal prep, and a recipe for southern-style chicken and dirty rice from this atk cookbook caught my eye. the recipe called for 4-5 hours on low, so i went with 4.5 hours. probably could've gone with 4 hours flat, since the final texture was a bit on the mushy side.

i can't find a link for the bbq turkey sloppy joes, but it's pretty simple - cook some ground turkey, drain, add chopped bell pepper and onion, add bbq sauce, and done. i bought a bag of spinach so i'm doing a sloppy joe salad of sorts for a few lunches this week.

after all that time i spent in the kitchen, though? i really did feel better. like i had a firmer grip on things and could possibly maybe tackle the coming week and any/all ensuing drama. lord only knows if i'll actually be successful, but at least i'll be able to eat relatively well. 😛

on: grieving however tf you want

(originally written around 3pm today)

grief has been on my mind a lot lately. makes sense, given that this is the time of year when i go knee-deep into my feels because 4 of my favorite people died in february and march. today is actually the 21st anniversary of my father's death and i'm not really sure how i'm upright and functioning right now, tbh. i have definitely found myself on the verge of tears more than once today for no reason other than i miss my father, and my mother, and my brother, and my play auntie. all of them. fiercely. like, the pain is still kinda raw. surprisingly raw to me, even though i know enough to know that this time of year knocks me on my ass every single time and yet i find myself wanting to just dissolve into a puddle of my own tears and self-pity and bemoan the fact that almost all of the people i would walk through fire for are no longer around.

so, yeah. grief. y'know how people say that there's only one way to grieve and there's a distinct time period in which you're allowed to grieve. THAT IS BULLSHIT. it is complete and utter bullshit and i find myself getting riled up every time someone says it because it is so fucking false. we're all human, yes, but that does not mean that we're all wired to mourn and grieve the same exact way. some folks laugh through their tears because it's all they know how to do in that moment. others go completely silent. others still may hunker down and work and do all of the things in what appears to be a manic frenzy because that's their current coping mechanism. guess what? you and i have no say so whatsofuckingever on how they deal. none.

i really hope that, in my unfortunately long experience as a grief expert of sorts, i haven't inadvertently made y'all feel even worse than you already do by telling you that there's only one way to mourn someone or something. you are entitled to feel, or not feel, whatever you feel or not fell. everyone is different. every circumstance is different.

some examples for you. we held a wake for james the evening before his funeral. i don't remember crying much there, but i do remember marvin sapp's "never would've made it" coming on and carol and i, while involved in separate conversations, both calling for someone to turn that song off because we just couldn't handle it in that moment. after the wake, i met up with some friends at south loop club, where y'all had come through with balloons and brownies to help me feel better and i'm pretty sure a round of shots was involved. ok, possibly probably multiple rounds of shots, but you get my point. how dare i be out with friends knowing that i had to bury my brother the next day? what kind of mourning is that?

the same kind of mourning that had me hanging out with some of those same friends after james' burial. a friend's parents graciously offered their home as a gathering place, and so i found myself in northwest indiana surrounded by friends. i needed that, and god bless my friends for knowing me well enough to know that i'd need that and for giving me the space and ability to make that happen without having to vocalize it or organize it because i was not organizing a single solitary thing after all of the funeral preparations, thank you very much.

fast forward from 2009 to 2015. lori's funeral was on a sunday evening. i've written previously about how difficult that service was for me. i remember sitting in the choir stand after the funeral ended, bent over double and sobbing uncontrollably. i may or may not be tearing up as i'm typing this part. did i mention how i've been on the verge of tears off and on all day today? i'd sat in that choir stand next to or near lori for years when i was still an active choir member back in the day, and without asking anyone or saying anything, i decided to sit there during the funeral. it just felt right to me and i regret absolutely nothing about it.

anyway, there i was, seemingly inconsolable. i couldn't have moved in that moment if i wanted to. i remember a few folks just sitting there with me and passing me tissue once i started coming up for air, because they knew how much lori meant to me, to all of us, and that my breakdown was part of my process.

so of course i wound up at pippin's afterwards and drank as much jameson & ginger ale as i could physically tolerate. i don't quite remember how i got home after that, but i do remember one of my bartender boos asking if i wanted a regular sized drink or a "i had a bad day" drink, and me replying that i'd just come from a funeral and therefore i needed the most ginormous drink possible. i may have drank those cocktails from pint glasses that night. one of those drinks had grenadine added by accident because bartender boo wasn't paying attention, and i drank it anyway because feelings are the worst and so what if i was probably dehydrated from crying so much and couldn't remember if i'd actually eaten anything that day? grief does that, you know.

grief does lots of things. lots of different things. daddy died right before finals and therefore i tried to focus on finishing assignments and being ready to take exams once i got back to campus. i was staying with my oldest brother & his family, and i remember hearing him on the phone talking about how i hadn't broken down yet and how worried everyone was because i was, to their eyes, keeping everything on the inside. if you know about my family's dysfunctional tendencies, then it will come as no surprise that i was holding back around certain people because i knew i couldn't trust them to honor or respect my feelings or that they wouldn't know how to deal with whatever i'd decided to share.

no big shock, then, that i fell apart at daddy's grave site. i remember someone from the army presenting james with a flag in honor of daddy's military service. i looked over at james and the tears were just streaming down his face, and i honestly think i blacked out at that point. next thing i knew, i was sitting in a car with lori, appropriately enough, and another one of my aunts, i think, and being told to take some deep breaths. to this day, i don't know how i got from the gravesite and into that car. i don't know how long it took or how far away the car was or how long i was out of commission. i'd ask james or lori about it, but...well.

is it any wonder that i get irrationally angry whenever someone says that you must grieve or mourn a certain way and/or for a certain time period? my mother has been dead for 34 years as of march 1 and if you'd like to tell me that i should be over it by now, please meet me outside so i can fight you we can discuss this like mature adults. sure, there are days/weeks/months when the pain isn't as acute or fresh, but let's not pretend that everything is always puppies and kittens and unicorns and tacos and whiskey. it's not true for me and, if we're honest, it's not really true for any of us.

grief sucks. it's weird and complicated and the rules are ever evolving and changing even though grief itself seems to be a constant in our lives. it feels like it's never going to go away. sometimes it doesn't, really. sometimes, grief just shrinks enough so you can continue trying to live your life the best way you know how, but it's still there and will occasionally tap you on the shoulder like "o hai! let's have a good crying session at a really inopportune time because i'm an asshole!"

grieve however you want. whenever you want. anyone who says you have to get over it within a certain time frame is also invited to meet me outside so i can fight them we can discuss this like mature adults. if you're able to find some joy in the midst of your grief, whether it be enjoying the company of friends or remembering a lighthearted moment or going to a movie or just treating yourself because dammit you still deserve nice things, even better. if you're able, surround yourself with the people and/or things that you think will help you. if you'd rather get through it solo and just update folks when you're able to think coherently long enough to send a text or tweet or email, that works too. the world is going to shit, yes, but some semblance of it will still be around when you get back.

as always, i'm around if you want to talk/cry/scream/vent about or through your mourning, of if you just want some company while you sit silently, or if you want/need me to play enabler and help you eat and/or drink your feelings away, or whatever. selfish as it sounds - and maybe this is why people have a hard time dealing with folks who are grieving - this is about you and what you need to get through. it's definitely a "your mileage may vary" situation. what has worked for me may not work for you, and that's ok. you might not know exactly how to feel, or you may feel guilty that you're not feeling enough, and that is also ok. take a deep breath if you're able to, because sometimes breathing is hard when everything hurts and you just want to be still and not feel anything...not that i know anything about that whatsoever. nope, not me. totally well-adjusted and normal over here! 😜

reach out to your support system in whatever form that looks like for you. go online or use social media if it's easier/better than dealing with folks in real life. if anyone comes at you in a malicious way, ask them to meet me outside so i can fight them.

love y'all to the moon and back. keep trying to treat yourself the best way you know how. you deserve nothing less. 💜

85

my father would've been 85 years old today. if you've been around for a while, then you know that his birthday tends to be a rough day for me. hell, this stretch of february through mid-march does a number on me every year, what with all of the death anniversaries and birthdays and accompanying feels. my therapist actually brought it up a couple of sessions ago, and i realized that i'd been so busy and so focused on getting through january (seriously, january was like the longest month ever for a lot of us, right?) that i hadn't even turned my attention to february and march.

but here we are. daddy would've been 85 today. the last time i saw him alive was on this date 21 years ago. holy shit. does that count as a lifetime ago? sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, and there are other moments where the pain still feels as fresh as i did when i got the call that he was dead.

i try not to dwell on how my life would be different if he was still alive. instead, i wonder if he'd be proud of me. if he'd support the decisions i've made along the way, even if he didn't understand them. i like to think he would. that he'd realize that he gave me the tools to navigate through life and how to adjust when things didn't go quite according to plan.

i hope he knows that. if heaven exists, i hope he knows that he did the best he could and that i'm doing the best i can.

i wish this for all of you, really. that the people you care about - family, parents, friends, role models - know that you are doing the best you can with what you have. and if you don't feel like you're doing the best you can, that's ok, too. doing the work is hard work sometimes, but we keep trying. that's the victory in it, i think: that we keep trying.

#attitudeofgratitude, valentine's day edition

hey, remember back in 2012 when i was absolutely miserable on valentine's day? god, that was awful. i'm writing this in my own apartment, on my new laptop that i purchased about 2 weeks ago with my work bonus. my candy bowl is pretty well stocked at the moment, even though it's the day before payday. hell, there was enough money left in my account for me to splurge on getting dinner delivered tonight. i actually did my taxes while i was waiting on said food delivery and finished right before my food arrived, so yay for that.

don't get me wrong. there is still a lot going on that needs to be fixed or even addressed, given that i'm writing this mere hours after yet another school shooting. i know i can't fix everything and/or everyone, but i can at least give thanks for the little bit of good i'm experiencing at any particular time. i think that helps when i'm feeling bombarded by/with all of the feelings.

3 years later...

lori died 3 years ago today. it still hurts. a lot. so much has changed and so much has happened and not being able to pick up the phone and call her about it sucks. i went back in the archives and reread what i wrote after her funeral and i still stand by it. if heaven exists, i hope auntie lori's there having the best time possible.

recipe review: cranberry-balsamic chicken thighs

if you're like me, you rarely think about cooking with cranberries until the holiday season. even then, i don't usually make cranberry sauce because i can honestly take it or leave it most of the time. kinda odd, then, that this recipe struck enough of a chord for me to add it to my files and make it for dinner a few nights ago. it may have also helped that the only ingredient i needed to buy was the cranberries (i used frozen ones that i thawed in the fridge).

i used about a 1/4 teaspoon of dried thyme instead of fresh, and eyeballed the salt and pepper as usual. not sure if i'd make this one again, to be honest. it wasn't bad, but i felt like it needed something. maybe some garlic? i know - for once, i didn't add any garlic to a recipe and that may have been the game changer. i still have 1/2 a bag of frozen cranberries left, along with some more chicken thighs, so unless i figure out something else out to do with the cranberries, i may end up making this again after all.