i tore this recipe out of a magazine recently and knew i could adapt it for new year's day collard greens & black-eyed peas purposes. if you're in chicago, you should be able to find amylu chicken andouille sausage at jewel and/or whole foods - i've seen them at both stores. instead of cannellini beans, i used a can of black-eyed peas that i drained and rinsed. i used 2 teaspoons of dried thyme instead of fresh thyme, used apple cider vinegar instead of balsamic because that's what i had. i wish i could tell you how many collards i wound up with, but i didn't measure them. i also added a bit of salt at the end. oh, and i used 2 large garlic cloves along with 2 teeny tiny cloves of garlic.
obviously, i had to adjust the cooking time since i was using collard greens instead of kale. i'd say they cooked for about 30-40 minutes or so, with me checking for doneness every 10-15 minutes. i didn't reduce the broth by half - more like a quarter or so. if/when i make this again, i'd slice the onions into smaller pieces and maybe ease up on the cider vinegar a bit.
Monday, January 02, 2017
Saturday, December 31, 2016
on: light and miracles
a dear friend of quasi-landlord's (and mine, by extension) joined us for christmas dinner. i'd not seen him in months, and we were all looking forward to being together and catching up. in addition to his famous potatoes with chorizo (which i absolutely love even though i can never get them right whenever i try to make them myself), he brought a mexican hot chocolate torte (nom nom nom) and presents for all of us, which was completely unnecessary and yet totally thoughtful. the message of the card he included has stuck with me, so much so that i'm leaving said card on the windowsill near my bed so i can see it easily.
front of card:
"The light of Chanukah
reminds us to have faith
that miracles are on their way."
inside of card:
"Wishing you
a wonderful Chanukah
and every blessing
always."
his handwritten message:
"I know you're not
Jewish. But I
like the message of
this card. Even
in our darkest days
light will guide
our way!"
he's not jewish, either.
i was unable to tell him just how much this meant, especially in that particular moment, so i just leaned over and gave him a hug. score one for the universe.
i haven't made any sort of resolutions or intentions for 2017, but i think this is something that i wish for all of us, self included, in the coming year - that we be reminded of the power of miracles and that light will continue to guide our ways.
merry new year, y'all. here's to a fucking outstanding 2017 because holy shit do we deserve it. i love you.😘
front of card:
"The light of Chanukah
reminds us to have faith
that miracles are on their way."
inside of card:
"Wishing you
a wonderful Chanukah
and every blessing
always."
his handwritten message:
"I know you're not
Jewish. But I
like the message of
this card. Even
in our darkest days
light will guide
our way!"
he's not jewish, either.
i was unable to tell him just how much this meant, especially in that particular moment, so i just leaned over and gave him a hug. score one for the universe.
i haven't made any sort of resolutions or intentions for 2017, but i think this is something that i wish for all of us, self included, in the coming year - that we be reminded of the power of miracles and that light will continue to guide our ways.
merry new year, y'all. here's to a fucking outstanding 2017 because holy shit do we deserve it. i love you.😘
Thursday, December 29, 2016
recipe review: barbecue fries
[thank you for all of your concern re: my last post. i've been sick (as in physically ill) off and on this week, but i'm slowly and surely approaching something resembling normalcy. my high-risk breast cancer assessment has been moved to late january instead of march, so yay for that. i made some more headway on researching therapists, but the practice i'm most interested in at the moment doesn't currently have any therapists that will accept my insurance, so i will revisit that in a few weeks to see what's what. i love y'all to the moon and back. and now, the aforementioned recipe review.]
quasi-landlord's other tenant had about 4-5 leftover russet potatoes that she gifted to me. normally, i would just make a batch of mashed potatoes and be #fatgirlhappy, but i didn't really want mashed potatoes this time around. (as if we needed further proof that i haven't been myself lately, right?)
i was already digging through my recipe files looking for greens & black-eyed peas inspiration for the new year and came across this recipe for barbecue fries. it's so easy that i can't believe i haven't tried it before. lord only knows what i was waiting on.
i used a 1/2 teaspoon of tabasco sauce and, though listed as optional, added both the paprika and the cumin. there were 2 different bottles of bbq sauce in the fridge, so i used 3 tablespoons of each. quasi-landlord's oven tends to set off the smoke detector at high temps, so i baked the fries at 425° for about 35 minutes, turning them over after 20 minutes or so.
if i make this again, i'd cut the olive oil down to 4 tablespoons and skip oiling the baking sheet. i wanted crispier fries and i think there was too much moisture for them to cook up the way i really wanted them to. i have no idea if there's any sour cream in the fridge and since i was having these as part of my pork chop and leftover green beans dinner, i didn't really care that much about having a dipping sauce. part of me wants to make some scrambled eggs and have these fries on the side. obviously they'd go well with a burger or a steak or some other meaty main dish. ooh, maybe i'll make these again, use fewer potatoes, and throw in some broccoli. that could be delicious.
quasi-landlord's other tenant had about 4-5 leftover russet potatoes that she gifted to me. normally, i would just make a batch of mashed potatoes and be #fatgirlhappy, but i didn't really want mashed potatoes this time around. (as if we needed further proof that i haven't been myself lately, right?)
i was already digging through my recipe files looking for greens & black-eyed peas inspiration for the new year and came across this recipe for barbecue fries. it's so easy that i can't believe i haven't tried it before. lord only knows what i was waiting on.
i used a 1/2 teaspoon of tabasco sauce and, though listed as optional, added both the paprika and the cumin. there were 2 different bottles of bbq sauce in the fridge, so i used 3 tablespoons of each. quasi-landlord's oven tends to set off the smoke detector at high temps, so i baked the fries at 425° for about 35 minutes, turning them over after 20 minutes or so.
if i make this again, i'd cut the olive oil down to 4 tablespoons and skip oiling the baking sheet. i wanted crispier fries and i think there was too much moisture for them to cook up the way i really wanted them to. i have no idea if there's any sour cream in the fridge and since i was having these as part of my pork chop and leftover green beans dinner, i didn't really care that much about having a dipping sauce. part of me wants to make some scrambled eggs and have these fries on the side. obviously they'd go well with a burger or a steak or some other meaty main dish. ooh, maybe i'll make these again, use fewer potatoes, and throw in some broccoli. that could be delicious.
Friday, December 23, 2016
adulting with/through anxiety: a week in review
sunday. you get belated birthday greetings via text from your niece, her mother, and carol. you do not hear from your brothers, and you know at least one of them will hold forth during christmas dinner about how they never see you and how you're too good to come all the way out there to hang out with them, oblivious to the fact that he's an asshole and you have way better things to do with your time. you cry yourself to sleep because you start thinking about all the things you need to do during the coming week and you're missing james because at least he remembered your birthday every year and you don't ask your family for much - for anything, really - but would it really do your brothers any harm to remember their baby sister's birthday, especially since it's a milestone year? your brother's ex-wife remembered, albeit late, but come on.
monday. thankfully quasi-landlord has reminded you that the house is full because her european folks are staying for a few days. you love them dearly, but you hate the chaos, specifically the clutter and noise, that happens when they're here. all of the clutter and noise and you've been off work for a few days and are thinking about what you need to do to hit the ground running when you return but you can't really think because clutter and noise and noise and clutter and it's making your teeth itch. you're frustrated because you were "supposed" to be back in your own place by now but prospective landlords see that eviction on your record and laugh all the way to the bank with your application fee in hand and who gives a damn if you have a job that's paying you the most you've made in your working life to date and who the hell were you kidding by having ambitions and shit? how dare you dream...not even big, really. medium? it was all a medium-sized dream and you are furious with yourself for falling short on one of your major goals for 2016 but it doesn't matter because this year has been trash anyway so fuck it.
tuesday. back at work. you find out that someone you worked with on a project right before your birthday break tried to throw you under the bus even though they'd blown every deadline you'd set for said project and since they're local, you resist the urge to go find their desk and punch them in the face. you didn't sleep well and you just wanna go home and relax, but quasi-landlord's houseguests are still around and so you make dinner and get into your pajamas in record time and hang out in your room most of the night curled up with your "this is fine" plush dog. you also make an appointment for your first mammogram because it's part of your post-physical homework. you try not to freak out about said mammogram because your self-exams have yielded nothing and your doctor's yearly exams have yielded nothing, but to no avail.
wednesday. bathroom break at 4:30am. you finally start dozing off 15 minutes later, but then your brain decides to have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS EVER and sleep is like "oh, you didn't really wanna hang? kthxbai." you have no idea when you actually go back to sleep, but you wake up in a panic thinking that you've overslept and in reality, your alarm is a minute away from going off. you're not sure how much sleep you actually got and you consider not leaving the house at all and just working from home, but the houseguests are still here and there will be no quiet, only clutter and noise. if you have to leave the house to go to starbucks or somewhere else with wifi so you can work, you may as well go into the office. you are not happy about this. your boss assigns you a new project and you complain and whine about it for 10 minutes, as you do with every new project. your heart's not really in it, though, because who really gives a shit about this project or anything else? you play phone tag with the high-risk breast cancer center people, again based on your post-physical homework. nothing is wrong, but just making that call fills you with blech. you also spend a good hour researching therapists (yup, also part of your homework) that you can't bring yourself to call to confirm insurance acceptance because you've hit the wall. you go to the library after work and not even talking with a former co-worker about how glad she is to be in a new place after the fire in her apartment building boosts your mood, although you are genuinely happy for her because you could feel the stress in her texts to you about the situation. you stop by the bar for a round and it is actually quieter there than home, so you sit for a beer and a shot and finish reading the book in your purse. you make a mental note that this is the first alcohol you've had since sunday night and your doctor would be proud because she wants you to cut back to 1 alcoholic drink every 24 hours, but since that's not in the written post-visit homework you decide you don't really need to follow that one all that strictly. you go home, you warm up some dinner and eat while standing up in the kitchen because the houseguests have taken over the dining room and you just cannot deal with the clutter and noise. but they're leaving the next day so you stay in the kitchen and help clean up even though you didn't actually consume any of the food that was cooked for that dinner but kitchen duty usually helps settle your mind because you're able to zone out, but not this time. a wonder that no dishes were dropped and you didn't injure yourself.
thursday. o hai, crying in the shower. you are feeling 17 kinds of hopeless and nothing is making any sense but you go to work anyway. you make some progress on your new project because this is what is expected of you, even though your boss is out for the day and you really could just look busy and be done with it. quasi-landlord texts you while you're heading home because she wants to go to honey butter, and you agree even though you do not have the energy to carry on a conversation. you also realize that you are having a really shitty week and hey, you should probably text or email a friend because you promised after last year that you would be better about vocalizing when you weren't doing well, but the way your anxiety is set up, you put your phone down because everyone has their own shit and honestly, no one gives a good goddamn about your feelings so you may as well just stfu and deal with it. you are tired of powering through, though. you know something's wrong because this is usually your favorite time of year but there is no joy in your heart.
friday. a teammate suggested mimosas the other day and the two of you convinced your boss that this is a thing that should happen today. day drinking is one of your favorite things, so that, combined with the fact that said mimosas will happen at work, should have you skipping down the halls. it doesn't. you finally make contact with the high-risk breast cancer assessment people and you have an appointment scheduled in march, which makes you laugh because your mammogram is 2 weeks from today and you know in your gut that everything is fine but holy nervousness, batman. you look at your phone again because really, you should text someone, but that voice in your head reminds you that it's pointless and you're worthless and no one gives a shit, and you don't have the energy to deal with it at that moment because you're at work and you need to focus on not falling apart there. you're successful in that quest until you're doing laundry later, when the urge to do something harmful to yourself hits you so quickly and so forcefully that you double over for a second. once you're able to breathe normally, you realize that this is a very bad idea for myriad reasons, not least of which is because quasi-landord does not need to come home and find you passed out (or worse) in the basement. you've been pondering a blog post off and on all week, so you commit to writing this one. that oh-so-lovely voice comes back to tell you that no one is going to read this, but you're ok with that because the shit has to get off of your chest and you're stable enough to know that you are not going to harm yourself because you have some things to look forward to, like the bottle of klinker brick rosé that you forgot you had but you're totally going to drink while watching the bears game tomorrow, and jesusjack, and christmas day itself, and seeing "fences" with quasi-landlord on monday, and you remind yourself to keep trying because you really did promise yourself and everyone else after last year, but holy hell the anxiety has done a number on you this week. you're always cold, no matter how many layers you're wearing, and you're still hungry after meals regardless of how much or how little you actually consume. you are thankful for your stash of chocolate.
monday. thankfully quasi-landlord has reminded you that the house is full because her european folks are staying for a few days. you love them dearly, but you hate the chaos, specifically the clutter and noise, that happens when they're here. all of the clutter and noise and you've been off work for a few days and are thinking about what you need to do to hit the ground running when you return but you can't really think because clutter and noise and noise and clutter and it's making your teeth itch. you're frustrated because you were "supposed" to be back in your own place by now but prospective landlords see that eviction on your record and laugh all the way to the bank with your application fee in hand and who gives a damn if you have a job that's paying you the most you've made in your working life to date and who the hell were you kidding by having ambitions and shit? how dare you dream...not even big, really. medium? it was all a medium-sized dream and you are furious with yourself for falling short on one of your major goals for 2016 but it doesn't matter because this year has been trash anyway so fuck it.
tuesday. back at work. you find out that someone you worked with on a project right before your birthday break tried to throw you under the bus even though they'd blown every deadline you'd set for said project and since they're local, you resist the urge to go find their desk and punch them in the face. you didn't sleep well and you just wanna go home and relax, but quasi-landlord's houseguests are still around and so you make dinner and get into your pajamas in record time and hang out in your room most of the night curled up with your "this is fine" plush dog. you also make an appointment for your first mammogram because it's part of your post-physical homework. you try not to freak out about said mammogram because your self-exams have yielded nothing and your doctor's yearly exams have yielded nothing, but to no avail.
wednesday. bathroom break at 4:30am. you finally start dozing off 15 minutes later, but then your brain decides to have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS EVER and sleep is like "oh, you didn't really wanna hang? kthxbai." you have no idea when you actually go back to sleep, but you wake up in a panic thinking that you've overslept and in reality, your alarm is a minute away from going off. you're not sure how much sleep you actually got and you consider not leaving the house at all and just working from home, but the houseguests are still here and there will be no quiet, only clutter and noise. if you have to leave the house to go to starbucks or somewhere else with wifi so you can work, you may as well go into the office. you are not happy about this. your boss assigns you a new project and you complain and whine about it for 10 minutes, as you do with every new project. your heart's not really in it, though, because who really gives a shit about this project or anything else? you play phone tag with the high-risk breast cancer center people, again based on your post-physical homework. nothing is wrong, but just making that call fills you with blech. you also spend a good hour researching therapists (yup, also part of your homework) that you can't bring yourself to call to confirm insurance acceptance because you've hit the wall. you go to the library after work and not even talking with a former co-worker about how glad she is to be in a new place after the fire in her apartment building boosts your mood, although you are genuinely happy for her because you could feel the stress in her texts to you about the situation. you stop by the bar for a round and it is actually quieter there than home, so you sit for a beer and a shot and finish reading the book in your purse. you make a mental note that this is the first alcohol you've had since sunday night and your doctor would be proud because she wants you to cut back to 1 alcoholic drink every 24 hours, but since that's not in the written post-visit homework you decide you don't really need to follow that one all that strictly. you go home, you warm up some dinner and eat while standing up in the kitchen because the houseguests have taken over the dining room and you just cannot deal with the clutter and noise. but they're leaving the next day so you stay in the kitchen and help clean up even though you didn't actually consume any of the food that was cooked for that dinner but kitchen duty usually helps settle your mind because you're able to zone out, but not this time. a wonder that no dishes were dropped and you didn't injure yourself.
thursday. o hai, crying in the shower. you are feeling 17 kinds of hopeless and nothing is making any sense but you go to work anyway. you make some progress on your new project because this is what is expected of you, even though your boss is out for the day and you really could just look busy and be done with it. quasi-landlord texts you while you're heading home because she wants to go to honey butter, and you agree even though you do not have the energy to carry on a conversation. you also realize that you are having a really shitty week and hey, you should probably text or email a friend because you promised after last year that you would be better about vocalizing when you weren't doing well, but the way your anxiety is set up, you put your phone down because everyone has their own shit and honestly, no one gives a good goddamn about your feelings so you may as well just stfu and deal with it. you are tired of powering through, though. you know something's wrong because this is usually your favorite time of year but there is no joy in your heart.
friday. a teammate suggested mimosas the other day and the two of you convinced your boss that this is a thing that should happen today. day drinking is one of your favorite things, so that, combined with the fact that said mimosas will happen at work, should have you skipping down the halls. it doesn't. you finally make contact with the high-risk breast cancer assessment people and you have an appointment scheduled in march, which makes you laugh because your mammogram is 2 weeks from today and you know in your gut that everything is fine but holy nervousness, batman. you look at your phone again because really, you should text someone, but that voice in your head reminds you that it's pointless and you're worthless and no one gives a shit, and you don't have the energy to deal with it at that moment because you're at work and you need to focus on not falling apart there. you're successful in that quest until you're doing laundry later, when the urge to do something harmful to yourself hits you so quickly and so forcefully that you double over for a second. once you're able to breathe normally, you realize that this is a very bad idea for myriad reasons, not least of which is because quasi-landord does not need to come home and find you passed out (or worse) in the basement. you've been pondering a blog post off and on all week, so you commit to writing this one. that oh-so-lovely voice comes back to tell you that no one is going to read this, but you're ok with that because the shit has to get off of your chest and you're stable enough to know that you are not going to harm yourself because you have some things to look forward to, like the bottle of klinker brick rosé that you forgot you had but you're totally going to drink while watching the bears game tomorrow, and jesusjack, and christmas day itself, and seeing "fences" with quasi-landlord on monday, and you remind yourself to keep trying because you really did promise yourself and everyone else after last year, but holy hell the anxiety has done a number on you this week. you're always cold, no matter how many layers you're wearing, and you're still hungry after meals regardless of how much or how little you actually consume. you are thankful for your stash of chocolate.
Tuesday, December 06, 2016
update: #alldecembereverything, 2016 edition
i've decided that this is indeed a thing that will happen on 12/17. stop by for a round or 5 and wish me a happy birthday. https://t.co/A68Fd9nHrZ— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 6, 2016
it is entirely possible that i'll be at @NiseiLounge 2 weeks from tonight accepting as many birthday drinks as i can. you should join me.— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 4, 2016
original #alldecembereverything post is here as a reference.
happy tuesday! 😀
Monday, December 05, 2016
on: not running away
went to church yesterday. saw one of my nearest and dearest play mamas after service. i hadn't seen her in a while so as soon as i was able, i made a beeline over to her so i could say hi. she teased me about showing my face before the end of the year because i didn't want her hunting me down and moving slowly in the streets with her cane. we talked for a few minutes about everything and nothing, as we do. she'd asked if i was going to be back at church before new year's. i said probably not because, well, i probably won't. then she leaned in, grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes, and said something that i've been pondering ever since.
"don't run away. we need you."
in my gut, i knew that she wasn't just referring to my church attendance. it shook me, because no one there knows about what i went through last october, or anything else for that matter, unless they've somehow found this page and/or my twitter feed.
i had to take a second to recover, and then i said that i wasn't going anywhere. i might not be physically present at church, but i wasn't running away. i wasn't going anywhere.
y'know how sometimes you say something out loud and you can practically feel that shit all the way down to your toes? like what you've said is actually taking root somehow? that's kinda how i felt.
maybe i'm susceptible because my birthday's coming up. maybe it's related to my post-election feelings. maybe it's the part of adulting i've really been trying to be better about - the part where i try to show up and be present and embrace the path i'm on.
"i'm not running away. i'm not going anywhere." a friend and i have had ongoing conversations where i remind them that i'm always around for them no matter what, but this felt, and still feels, like a public declaration of sorts. i think i can be ok with this. sometimes we all need reminders that we're needed and that we shouldn't run away. here's hoping the universe sends you the reminder you need and the strength to keep going. amen.
"don't run away. we need you."
in my gut, i knew that she wasn't just referring to my church attendance. it shook me, because no one there knows about what i went through last october, or anything else for that matter, unless they've somehow found this page and/or my twitter feed.
i had to take a second to recover, and then i said that i wasn't going anywhere. i might not be physically present at church, but i wasn't running away. i wasn't going anywhere.
y'know how sometimes you say something out loud and you can practically feel that shit all the way down to your toes? like what you've said is actually taking root somehow? that's kinda how i felt.
maybe i'm susceptible because my birthday's coming up. maybe it's related to my post-election feelings. maybe it's the part of adulting i've really been trying to be better about - the part where i try to show up and be present and embrace the path i'm on.
"i'm not running away. i'm not going anywhere." a friend and i have had ongoing conversations where i remind them that i'm always around for them no matter what, but this felt, and still feels, like a public declaration of sorts. i think i can be ok with this. sometimes we all need reminders that we're needed and that we shouldn't run away. here's hoping the universe sends you the reminder you need and the strength to keep going. amen.
Monday, November 28, 2016
#alldecembereverything, 2016 edition
i will be 40 years old on december 17. this year has been such a clusterfuck that i still don't really know what i'm doing on my actual birthday. if you've known me for a while, you know that this is so not how i tend to roll. usually by this time, i've already sent save-the-date emails, if not actual invites, for various things throughout the month of december, but i don't have my shit all the way together this year. part of it is because i was waiting to see if i'd be moving before my birthday (which, as of this writing, does not look likely, but never say never). another part of me was toying with the idea of throwing some ginormous soiree befitting the milestone occasion, but, y'know, adulting is hard and did i mention that 2016 has been on some bullshit? my energy levels are too low for that right now.
side note - a friend asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i drew a goddamn blank. i am not one of those super altruistic "oh i have so much already you don't need to get me anything" people, but it's been a few days since that question was posed and i still can't point to anything specific that i absolutely would love to have. y'all know me. i like chocolate, and books, and tacos, and shoes, and alcohol, and bacon, and earrings, and music, and food, and monkeys, and handbags, and pandas, and art, and really long sentences. 😏 that said, gift cards for amazon, target, binny's, dsw, starbucks, or other places you think i'd dig are always acceptable. buy a bottle of booze and stick a bow on it if you want. hell, make a card and stick a bow on it. or a pretty shiny ribbon. or a bow and some ribbon. or just buy me a drink or 3 if you see me out and about between now and martin luther king day.
at any rate, here's my current list of celebratory opportunities for december. events that i will definitely be attending will be underlined. things that i'm on the fence about will be in italics. i will update the list as warranted.
saturday, december 3 - brooke and the nice things at untitled. no cover. untitled does have a dress code, though, so check their site for details.
wednesday, december 7 - bourbon women chicago's sip and shop at binny's in lincoln park. tickets are still available as of this writing.
monday, december 12 - christmas movie night at untitled. double feature of "it's a wonderful life" and "a christmas story." free admission.
tuesday, december 13 - chef's table at jerry's in lincoln square, hosted by the local tourist. tickets still available as of this writing.
sometime in mid-december - alternative christmas double feature: mistletoe mayhem at music box. "die hard" and "gremlins." i don't know which date i'm aiming for yet, so if/when i decide, i'll update here accordingly.
saturday, december 17 - holy fucking shit it's my birthday! as i mentioned, no concrete plans as of yet, but i'm sure i will end up somewhere watching some sort of sportsball and drinking some sort of alcohol. will update when i know more.
sunday, december 18 - holy fucking shit it's the day after my birthday! #sundayfunday activities will depend on how hungover or unsober i am from the night before, but it's safe to assume that more sportsball and alcohol will be involved.
saturday, december 24 - no discussions yet, but i'm pretty sure jesusjack will be happening again this year. come to the casino (exact details tbd) and play blackjack and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight. no, i am not making this up. yes, this is an actual thing that happens.
side note - a friend asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i drew a goddamn blank. i am not one of those super altruistic "oh i have so much already you don't need to get me anything" people, but it's been a few days since that question was posed and i still can't point to anything specific that i absolutely would love to have. y'all know me. i like chocolate, and books, and tacos, and shoes, and alcohol, and bacon, and earrings, and music, and food, and monkeys, and handbags, and pandas, and art, and really long sentences. 😏 that said, gift cards for amazon, target, binny's, dsw, starbucks, or other places you think i'd dig are always acceptable. buy a bottle of booze and stick a bow on it if you want. hell, make a card and stick a bow on it. or a pretty shiny ribbon. or a bow and some ribbon. or just buy me a drink or 3 if you see me out and about between now and martin luther king day.
at any rate, here's my current list of celebratory opportunities for december. events that i will definitely be attending will be underlined. things that i'm on the fence about will be in italics. i will update the list as warranted.
saturday, december 3 - brooke and the nice things at untitled. no cover. untitled does have a dress code, though, so check their site for details.
wednesday, december 7 - bourbon women chicago's sip and shop at binny's in lincoln park. tickets are still available as of this writing.
monday, december 12 - christmas movie night at untitled. double feature of "it's a wonderful life" and "a christmas story." free admission.
tuesday, december 13 - chef's table at jerry's in lincoln square, hosted by the local tourist. tickets still available as of this writing.
sometime in mid-december - alternative christmas double feature: mistletoe mayhem at music box. "die hard" and "gremlins." i don't know which date i'm aiming for yet, so if/when i decide, i'll update here accordingly.
saturday, december 17 - holy fucking shit it's my birthday! as i mentioned, no concrete plans as of yet, but i'm sure i will end up somewhere watching some sort of sportsball and drinking some sort of alcohol. will update when i know more.
sunday, december 18 - holy fucking shit it's the day after my birthday! #sundayfunday activities will depend on how hungover or unsober i am from the night before, but it's safe to assume that more sportsball and alcohol will be involved.
saturday, december 24 - no discussions yet, but i'm pretty sure jesusjack will be happening again this year. come to the casino (exact details tbd) and play blackjack and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight. no, i am not making this up. yes, this is an actual thing that happens.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
recipe review: creamy lemon orzo with peas and shrimp
i did not actively seek out this recipe. i was reading the latest issue of cooking light and wala magic, here was something that would use up the remainder of the orzo i had on hand. i had no major objections to any of the ingredients, so i decided to try it out for dinner last night.
i used dried thyme instead of fresh - about one and a half teaspoons. i only used 5 garlic cloves because a couple of them were on the large side. i bought a pound of cooked 26-30 count frozen shrimp that were peeled and deveined, but still had the tails on, so off with the tails and under a bit of cold running water they went. since they were cooked, i added them at the very end with the lemon juice and cream cheese and pepper. oh, and i added a bit of shredded parmesan cheese at the end because cheese is delicious.
remember in my last post how i was feeling all kinds of blah? i bought a tiny bottle of wine so i'd have the 1/3 cup called for in this recipe because i was not committing to opening one of my "good" bottles of wine. once i measured out the 1/3 cup of wine, did i drink the rest? no. did i save it for later? no. i poured it down the drain. i voluntarily poured out (admittedly not the best quality) wine. yeah, i don't know who i am anymore, either.
anyway - i also adjusted the amount of broth because i had a little less than a cup of orzo left. i also let this simmer longer than the 15 minutes called for. i will say that this was a bit less labor-intensive than traditional risotto. i love risotto, but i do not have the patience to make it as much as i'd like. same with lasagna. i am more than happy to outsource that, so to speak, and order it from a restaurant.
i don't know if i'd make this again. i had leftovers of it for lunch today and i think the flavors got to hang out a little bit more, but something was missing. i wonder how boneless skinless chicken thighs would work in addition to or instead of the shrimp (with adjustments to the cooking time, obviously).
i used dried thyme instead of fresh - about one and a half teaspoons. i only used 5 garlic cloves because a couple of them were on the large side. i bought a pound of cooked 26-30 count frozen shrimp that were peeled and deveined, but still had the tails on, so off with the tails and under a bit of cold running water they went. since they were cooked, i added them at the very end with the lemon juice and cream cheese and pepper. oh, and i added a bit of shredded parmesan cheese at the end because cheese is delicious.
remember in my last post how i was feeling all kinds of blah? i bought a tiny bottle of wine so i'd have the 1/3 cup called for in this recipe because i was not committing to opening one of my "good" bottles of wine. once i measured out the 1/3 cup of wine, did i drink the rest? no. did i save it for later? no. i poured it down the drain. i voluntarily poured out (admittedly not the best quality) wine. yeah, i don't know who i am anymore, either.
anyway - i also adjusted the amount of broth because i had a little less than a cup of orzo left. i also let this simmer longer than the 15 minutes called for. i will say that this was a bit less labor-intensive than traditional risotto. i love risotto, but i do not have the patience to make it as much as i'd like. same with lasagna. i am more than happy to outsource that, so to speak, and order it from a restaurant.
i don't know if i'd make this again. i had leftovers of it for lunch today and i think the flavors got to hang out a little bit more, but something was missing. i wonder how boneless skinless chicken thighs would work in addition to or instead of the shrimp (with adjustments to the cooking time, obviously).
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
a case of blah
i signed up to receive occasional emails about potential volunteer opportunities through my job's corporate giving/philanthropy side. the opportunities tend to run the gamut from "sign up for a 10k!" to "let's go paint a classroom!" to "virtual tutoring fever: catch it!" and for whatever reasons, i usually scan them and delete. maybe it's a schedule conflict, or the location doesn't work for me transportation-wise, or i'm just not interested. no big deal.
in going through my work email yesterday, i spotted another volunteer opportunity message. this one involved making cards to give to cancer patients. i have no drawing ability whatsoever, but we all know that #fuckcancer is always active as far as i'm concerned, so i kept reading. the activity was scheduled from 4:30-6pm in the lower level of my office building. there was no requirement to show up for the entire 90 minutes - you could come and go as you saw fit. i went ahead and signed up, figuring that if work got too crazy, i could go downstairs after 4:30 or, if i really needed to stay and power through something, i could skip it altogether.
today was a blah kind of day. i woke up feeling exhausted even though i read for a bit and meditated and went to bed at a decent hour and actually slept for longer than 2 hours at any given point. i briefly considered working from home, but then remembered this volunteer thing and decided to head in. my boss assigned a new project to me and i didn't even bother with my customary whining about how i didn't want any more work on my plate. the blah was real. that feeling persisted all day. bff texted to say hi and ask how things were going and all i could muster was "blah." thankfully she understood.
when my "hey, you have a thing in 15 minutes" reminder popped up in outlook, i was trying to get my projects to a sensible stopping point. i think i finally made it downstairs around 5ish, which is when i'm usually trying to leave work anyway. there were tables set up with colored paper and markers and pens and stickers. the tables were divided by age range and had suggestions of what to say and what not to say depending on the age group.
did i mention the foundation that my job had partnered with focuses on children and young adults with cancer? there were 3 age groups and i figured i could make 1-2 cards for each group and then see where i was in terms of time and creativity.
6 cards and maybe 25 minutes later, i was done. i'd been hoping that the feeling of blah would ease up a bit since i was focusing on something else, but to no avail. i think a lot of us have redoubled our efforts to do what we can where we can in the past week or so, and it's possible that i'd placed unnecessarily high expectations on myself and how fulfilling this would be for me.
please don't misunderstand me here - making the cards was a great low-impact way for me to do something for a cause that is near and dear to my heart and i would do it again with little to no hesitation. and it's not that making these cards made me feel sad or depressed or anything like that, either. it's just that the feeling of blah was way more entrenched than i'd previously given it credit for.
i'm writing this after running a couple of errands and buying ingredients to make yet another orzo recipe (last one for a while, i promise) and now that i've eaten dinner and cleaned up the kitchen and gotten a bit organized for work tomorrow, i'm still feeling a bit, well, blah. i'm going to read for a bit and try to get another halfway decent night's sleep and hopefully this blah will lift at least a little.
thanksgiving is next week and i think we can all use the break. in the meantime, here's hoping everyone is hanging in there as best as you can. 💜
in going through my work email yesterday, i spotted another volunteer opportunity message. this one involved making cards to give to cancer patients. i have no drawing ability whatsoever, but we all know that #fuckcancer is always active as far as i'm concerned, so i kept reading. the activity was scheduled from 4:30-6pm in the lower level of my office building. there was no requirement to show up for the entire 90 minutes - you could come and go as you saw fit. i went ahead and signed up, figuring that if work got too crazy, i could go downstairs after 4:30 or, if i really needed to stay and power through something, i could skip it altogether.
today was a blah kind of day. i woke up feeling exhausted even though i read for a bit and meditated and went to bed at a decent hour and actually slept for longer than 2 hours at any given point. i briefly considered working from home, but then remembered this volunteer thing and decided to head in. my boss assigned a new project to me and i didn't even bother with my customary whining about how i didn't want any more work on my plate. the blah was real. that feeling persisted all day. bff texted to say hi and ask how things were going and all i could muster was "blah." thankfully she understood.
when my "hey, you have a thing in 15 minutes" reminder popped up in outlook, i was trying to get my projects to a sensible stopping point. i think i finally made it downstairs around 5ish, which is when i'm usually trying to leave work anyway. there were tables set up with colored paper and markers and pens and stickers. the tables were divided by age range and had suggestions of what to say and what not to say depending on the age group.
did i mention the foundation that my job had partnered with focuses on children and young adults with cancer? there were 3 age groups and i figured i could make 1-2 cards for each group and then see where i was in terms of time and creativity.
6 cards and maybe 25 minutes later, i was done. i'd been hoping that the feeling of blah would ease up a bit since i was focusing on something else, but to no avail. i think a lot of us have redoubled our efforts to do what we can where we can in the past week or so, and it's possible that i'd placed unnecessarily high expectations on myself and how fulfilling this would be for me.
please don't misunderstand me here - making the cards was a great low-impact way for me to do something for a cause that is near and dear to my heart and i would do it again with little to no hesitation. and it's not that making these cards made me feel sad or depressed or anything like that, either. it's just that the feeling of blah was way more entrenched than i'd previously given it credit for.
i'm writing this after running a couple of errands and buying ingredients to make yet another orzo recipe (last one for a while, i promise) and now that i've eaten dinner and cleaned up the kitchen and gotten a bit organized for work tomorrow, i'm still feeling a bit, well, blah. i'm going to read for a bit and try to get another halfway decent night's sleep and hopefully this blah will lift at least a little.
thanksgiving is next week and i think we can all use the break. in the meantime, here's hoping everyone is hanging in there as best as you can. 💜
Saturday, November 12, 2016
recipe review: orzo with crispy pancetta and chives (and broccoli!)
sometimes you buy a box of orzo because you need 1/2 cup of it to make soup, and then you find yourself wondering wtf you're going to do with the rest of the box. if you're like me, you start going through other recipes for something that could work. i had friday off (thank you so much for your service, dear veterans) so i knew i'd have time at some point this weekend to do a bit of cooking. i settled on this combination because there's nothing about it that i don't like.
the pancetta i bought was 3 ounces, so i used all of it. the drippings weren't as plentiful as you might think, so i had to keep an eye on the orzo to make sure it didn't take a sharp turn from toasted to burnt. i keep frozen broccoli on hand because costco sells frozen organic broccoli in a package of 4 one-pound bags and it is one of my standbys, so i decided to thaw a bag in the fridge overnight and add it to the orzo right before i added the chicken stock. i think i let the orzo cook for closer to 12 minutes and once again, your mileage may vary depending on how al dente you'd like the orzo to be. i didn't add salt because the pancetta was salty enough for my taste, but i did add some black pepper toward the end.
i had a couple of spoonfuls yesterday after i made it and decided to save it for later, since i knew the apple cider vinegar gave it a bit of tang and i wanted to see if the flavors would mellow out a bit. they didn't, really, so i would probably dial back the vinegar a bit if i made this again. the broccoli was a great addition, imo, and i'm sure you could add green beans or some other vegetable if you wanted a more well-rounded side dish.
the pancetta i bought was 3 ounces, so i used all of it. the drippings weren't as plentiful as you might think, so i had to keep an eye on the orzo to make sure it didn't take a sharp turn from toasted to burnt. i keep frozen broccoli on hand because costco sells frozen organic broccoli in a package of 4 one-pound bags and it is one of my standbys, so i decided to thaw a bag in the fridge overnight and add it to the orzo right before i added the chicken stock. i think i let the orzo cook for closer to 12 minutes and once again, your mileage may vary depending on how al dente you'd like the orzo to be. i didn't add salt because the pancetta was salty enough for my taste, but i did add some black pepper toward the end.
i had a couple of spoonfuls yesterday after i made it and decided to save it for later, since i knew the apple cider vinegar gave it a bit of tang and i wanted to see if the flavors would mellow out a bit. they didn't, really, so i would probably dial back the vinegar a bit if i made this again. the broccoli was a great addition, imo, and i'm sure you could add green beans or some other vegetable if you wanted a more well-rounded side dish.
Saturday, November 05, 2016
recipe review: chicken and vegetable soup
i was home monday night and decided that i was in the mood to make soup. it's possible i was having a nesting moment or something, but i knew i'd be home on friday night and therefore i could make soup.
off to the recipe files i went. i wanted something new to me and this seemed manageable enough. i updated my grocery list accordingly, shopped for said groceries last night, and got ready to cook.
quasi-landlord had some baby carrots in the fridge so i cut up a handful of those, instead of buying a bunch of carrots when i'd only need one. jewel only had "regular" fire-roasted diced tomatoes and not the no-salt-added variety, so that's what i bought. jewel also sells shredded chicken from their leftover rotisserie chickens, so i had both white and dark meat to put in the soup. i used dried thyme instead of fresh and i just eyeballed the amount. i also eyeballed the salt and pepper and adjusted to taste throughout the cooking process. oh, and i also used some yellow and orange bell pepper - we had some in the fridge for salads so in they went. i think i used 2 cloves of garlic and 1 medium-ish yellow onion.
do not follow the direction to let the pasta cook for only 5 minutes. i mean, you can, but you will have crunchy orzo and green beans and that is not good. i think i wound up leaving it on for a good 10-12 minutes or so, checking it every so often for al dente orzo and crisp-tender green beans.
i didn't actually eat any of this last night, but i had a small bowl earlier this evening and i'm happy. there's a container in the freezer that i'm sure i'll use for lunch/dinner when i'm feeling lazy, uninspired, and/or broke.
off to the recipe files i went. i wanted something new to me and this seemed manageable enough. i updated my grocery list accordingly, shopped for said groceries last night, and got ready to cook.
quasi-landlord had some baby carrots in the fridge so i cut up a handful of those, instead of buying a bunch of carrots when i'd only need one. jewel only had "regular" fire-roasted diced tomatoes and not the no-salt-added variety, so that's what i bought. jewel also sells shredded chicken from their leftover rotisserie chickens, so i had both white and dark meat to put in the soup. i used dried thyme instead of fresh and i just eyeballed the amount. i also eyeballed the salt and pepper and adjusted to taste throughout the cooking process. oh, and i also used some yellow and orange bell pepper - we had some in the fridge for salads so in they went. i think i used 2 cloves of garlic and 1 medium-ish yellow onion.
do not follow the direction to let the pasta cook for only 5 minutes. i mean, you can, but you will have crunchy orzo and green beans and that is not good. i think i wound up leaving it on for a good 10-12 minutes or so, checking it every so often for al dente orzo and crisp-tender green beans.
i didn't actually eat any of this last night, but i had a small bowl earlier this evening and i'm happy. there's a container in the freezer that i'm sure i'll use for lunch/dinner when i'm feeling lazy, uninspired, and/or broke.
Monday, October 17, 2016
on: "a little life"
"You won't understand what I mean now, but someday you will: the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are -- not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving -- and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad -- or good -- it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well."almost every book i read, and have read for at least the past 5-6 years, has come from a library. once in a while, i'll come across a book that i really love and will decide to add it to my personal collection. those are usually nonfiction or poetry titles, though.
"a little life" by hanya yanagihara is one of the best novels i've read in a long time. even before i finished it, i knew i'd want to re-read it. i want a copy of my own so i can highlight passages and maybe write some additional blog posts or journal entries about it.
this book made me cry at least twice and there are so many little gems, like the opening passage of this post, that i want to revisit and it is so well-written (in my opinion - obviously your mileage may vary) and i can't stop thinking about it. no, really. it's that good.
i think part of the novel's appeal for me is its focus on friendships and how much of ourselves we give and reveal and conceal and forgive of those we hold near and dear to our hearts. if you've been reading the blog for a while, then you know that this subject is an ongoing area of focus for me. i'm sure that's part of why "a little life" resonated so much with me. the conversations that these characters both on their own and as a collective are conversations that i've had with myself and with other people. how do we maneuver this world without losing ourselves? i don't have the answer to that one, but i'm glad this novel can help explore the question.
Friday, October 07, 2016
on: not expecting reciprocity
(now playing: lauryn hill's "ex-factor")
i was talking with a friend of mine a few nights ago and they asked me why i do the things i do for the people i care about, even when it may be obvious that i won't necessarily receive a similar level of consideration.
my response went something like this: "i don't do things like that because i'm expecting the other party(ies) to reciprocate. i do those things because it's the right thing to do."
i've been mulling that over ever since and it still holds true. something in my spirit or in my gut or some combination thereof will tell me to send that text or write that email or pick up that "just because" gift or send that quickpay or whatever and i am trying to be better about going with that feeling. would it be nice if i got that same kind of consideration in return? absolutely. as i tried to explain to my friend, though, that's not why i do these things.
never mind that the theory of reciprocity basically tells us that yes, we should expect a certain level of behavior or treatment in exchange for how we behave towards or treat others. i think once i started leaning in (and i typed that with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek) to this whole empath/caregiver role, a part of me realized that yes, this will be somewhat thankless work and yes, there would be times when i'd pay any amount of $ i could get my hands on to receive some sort of acknowledgment for it but no, that's not why i'm here. if i had to wait for these things to come back to me in some fashion, i'd never get anything done. i'm not always ok with it, but i accept it.
i saw this earlier and it kinda solidified my position a bit. i don't want to live a life where there are strings attached to my generosity. i need to be able to give of myself without worrying about if/how/when it's going to come back to me. i need to trust the process, which i swear is so much easier said than done. maybe that's part of the ongoing lesson(s) that god/the universe is trying to teach me.
i was talking with a friend of mine a few nights ago and they asked me why i do the things i do for the people i care about, even when it may be obvious that i won't necessarily receive a similar level of consideration.
my response went something like this: "i don't do things like that because i'm expecting the other party(ies) to reciprocate. i do those things because it's the right thing to do."
i've been mulling that over ever since and it still holds true. something in my spirit or in my gut or some combination thereof will tell me to send that text or write that email or pick up that "just because" gift or send that quickpay or whatever and i am trying to be better about going with that feeling. would it be nice if i got that same kind of consideration in return? absolutely. as i tried to explain to my friend, though, that's not why i do these things.
never mind that the theory of reciprocity basically tells us that yes, we should expect a certain level of behavior or treatment in exchange for how we behave towards or treat others. i think once i started leaning in (and i typed that with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek) to this whole empath/caregiver role, a part of me realized that yes, this will be somewhat thankless work and yes, there would be times when i'd pay any amount of $ i could get my hands on to receive some sort of acknowledgment for it but no, that's not why i'm here. if i had to wait for these things to come back to me in some fashion, i'd never get anything done. i'm not always ok with it, but i accept it.
i saw this earlier and it kinda solidified my position a bit. i don't want to live a life where there are strings attached to my generosity. i need to be able to give of myself without worrying about if/how/when it's going to come back to me. i need to trust the process, which i swear is so much easier said than done. maybe that's part of the ongoing lesson(s) that god/the universe is trying to teach me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
of thee i do not sing
(with apologies to langston hughes)
i, too, lip sync america.
they do not send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes.
a table has been prepared for me in the midst of my enemies.
my place is to smile through my wincing as they point to me
as an example of how hard work and resilience can pay off.
would that i didn't need that resilience to get me through each day,
but such subjects aren't discussed when company comes.
they see but won't acknowledge how beautiful i am.
they will praise me for being so articulate
even as they ignore my pleas for them to stop killing us.
i am thetoken symbol of progress
as schools are underfunded or closed altogether
as mental health services fall by the wayside
as community-based initiatives are stretched to the breaking point and then snap
as our demands for more and better jobs and economic equity
are met with "get out of the streets and join the police academy"
as if that has ever solved or will solve society's ills.
they will wonder why i, you, we, us
why we are unsatisfied
after they have "given" us so much
oh, we are far from satisfied
we are not satisfied, nor sated, nor appeased, nor content
we are, to paraphrase miss fannie lou,
beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired
our hands are up
not out
our eyes are open
not shut
our voices are loud
not silent
our hearts are heavy
but still beating
even as you pick us off one by one.
and so i lip sync america.
i kneel or sit or raise a fist and delight in your horror at my "disrespect."
"how dare you? after all we've done?"
how dare i not, after all you're continuing to do?
i, too, lip sync america.
they do not send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes.
a table has been prepared for me in the midst of my enemies.
my place is to smile through my wincing as they point to me
as an example of how hard work and resilience can pay off.
would that i didn't need that resilience to get me through each day,
but such subjects aren't discussed when company comes.
they see but won't acknowledge how beautiful i am.
they will praise me for being so articulate
even as they ignore my pleas for them to stop killing us.
i am the
as schools are underfunded or closed altogether
as mental health services fall by the wayside
as community-based initiatives are stretched to the breaking point and then snap
as our demands for more and better jobs and economic equity
are met with "get out of the streets and join the police academy"
as if that has ever solved or will solve society's ills.
they will wonder why i, you, we, us
why we are unsatisfied
after they have "given" us so much
oh, we are far from satisfied
we are not satisfied, nor sated, nor appeased, nor content
we are, to paraphrase miss fannie lou,
beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired
our hands are up
not out
our eyes are open
not shut
our voices are loud
not silent
our hearts are heavy
but still beating
even as you pick us off one by one.
and so i lip sync america.
i kneel or sit or raise a fist and delight in your horror at my "disrespect."
"how dare you? after all we've done?"
how dare i not, after all you're continuing to do?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
see as little evil as possible
9/27 7:19pm
"don't read the comments. ever." i occasionally break this rule and i almost immediately regret it every time. people are terrible and internet comments bring out the worst of the worst, so i try to avoid the comment section whenever possible.
i also try to avoid watching footage of police encounters gone horribly awry - beatings, shootings, murders, etc. i personally gain nothing from seeing that on screen. it upsets me. it was hard enough watching "fruitvale station" and "the black panthers: vanguard of the revolution" (to name a couple) in theaters. i knew how these stories ended and i still found myself in tears and kicking the seat in front of me out of sheer frustration.
needless to say, i try to turn my head or leave the room altogether if quasi-landlord's watching tv and there's video of the latest police shooting(s). i don't post them. i keep scrolling whenever they make it into my feed. i don't need to pay that kind of witness. i do not gain strength from watching them. it saps me of what little strength i have left on any given day.
i went to a lecture tonight and there was a short film as part of the presentation. footage from various police shooting and other altercations was included in the film. the tears started flowing before i could even think of keeping it together.
i'm writing this on the train ride home and while my eyes are dry for now, my head hurts and my heart is heavy and i feel like a goddamn broken record because sweet jesus haven't we had enough? haven't we endured enough? haven't we been through enough even though we're not considered to be enough?
"don't read the comments. ever." i occasionally break this rule and i almost immediately regret it every time. people are terrible and internet comments bring out the worst of the worst, so i try to avoid the comment section whenever possible.
i also try to avoid watching footage of police encounters gone horribly awry - beatings, shootings, murders, etc. i personally gain nothing from seeing that on screen. it upsets me. it was hard enough watching "fruitvale station" and "the black panthers: vanguard of the revolution" (to name a couple) in theaters. i knew how these stories ended and i still found myself in tears and kicking the seat in front of me out of sheer frustration.
needless to say, i try to turn my head or leave the room altogether if quasi-landlord's watching tv and there's video of the latest police shooting(s). i don't post them. i keep scrolling whenever they make it into my feed. i don't need to pay that kind of witness. i do not gain strength from watching them. it saps me of what little strength i have left on any given day.
i went to a lecture tonight and there was a short film as part of the presentation. footage from various police shooting and other altercations was included in the film. the tears started flowing before i could even think of keeping it together.
i'm writing this on the train ride home and while my eyes are dry for now, my head hurts and my heart is heavy and i feel like a goddamn broken record because sweet jesus haven't we had enough? haven't we endured enough? haven't we been through enough even though we're not considered to be enough?
Friday, September 23, 2016
recipe* review: chili-rubbed tilapia
not even gonna lie to y'all: it feels weird as all hell to be posting a recipe review after my most recent post. i supposed this could also be considered part of the work - the attempt to resume pursuing normalcy in the face of heartbreak and chaos. i am still heartbroken, but i've only cried once so far today and i feel like that's progress. on the other hand, i am sleep-deprived as hell and my sinuses have been acting up all week and when i tell y'all that i am so looking forward to taking a benadryl later so i can get some relief and hopefully some sleep? my body is ready. literally.
anyway - got a text on tuesday afternoon from quasi-landlord while she was grocery shopping, saying that tilapia was on sale and asking if i wanted her to grab some for me. sure, i said, grab about a pound. i figured i'd cook on wednesday since i already had dinner plans on tuesday.
well, i wrote about what happened on tuesday, not knowing that wednesday was going to break me even more. my head is still reeling and my heart is still broken and after i'd written about wanting/needing a safe space for me and mine, the near & dear friend i mentioned in that post wound up staying here on wednesday night b/c everything was just too much at that point. one bright note, though - one of the library books i picked up this week is the companion piece to the kerry james marshall exhibit that the guy on the train & i discussed on tuesday night. gotta love that kind of timing.
while i was at work on wednesday, i remembered that i'd seen a photo of this recipe on instagram and it looked easy enough. i didn't want anything that required the oven because it was still a bit too warm for all of that. i walked in wednesday and realized that my friend and i were both starving, and this preparation seemed easy enough that i could handle it in my exhaustion.
i thought the fish was a bit too salty, but i didn't actually measure the salt so much as i eyeballed it, plus i was using freshly ground pink sea salt (s/o to costco), so your mileage will more than likely vary. i did not make the asparagus because i am weird about asparagus - i only like it when it's mixed in with other things, like soup or risotto, but not as a standalone vegetable or side dish. quasi-landlord took a whiff and declared the tilapia delicious even though she didn't actually eat any of it. it helps that the seasonings (as well as the fish itself) aren't things that will make her sick, so i'm sure this will end up in one or both of our rotations. i'm currently pondering a variation of it with lemon pepper instead of chili powder. i'll let you know if/when that happens.
anyway - got a text on tuesday afternoon from quasi-landlord while she was grocery shopping, saying that tilapia was on sale and asking if i wanted her to grab some for me. sure, i said, grab about a pound. i figured i'd cook on wednesday since i already had dinner plans on tuesday.
well, i wrote about what happened on tuesday, not knowing that wednesday was going to break me even more. my head is still reeling and my heart is still broken and after i'd written about wanting/needing a safe space for me and mine, the near & dear friend i mentioned in that post wound up staying here on wednesday night b/c everything was just too much at that point. one bright note, though - one of the library books i picked up this week is the companion piece to the kerry james marshall exhibit that the guy on the train & i discussed on tuesday night. gotta love that kind of timing.
while i was at work on wednesday, i remembered that i'd seen a photo of this recipe on instagram and it looked easy enough. i didn't want anything that required the oven because it was still a bit too warm for all of that. i walked in wednesday and realized that my friend and i were both starving, and this preparation seemed easy enough that i could handle it in my exhaustion.
i thought the fish was a bit too salty, but i didn't actually measure the salt so much as i eyeballed it, plus i was using freshly ground pink sea salt (s/o to costco), so your mileage will more than likely vary. i did not make the asparagus because i am weird about asparagus - i only like it when it's mixed in with other things, like soup or risotto, but not as a standalone vegetable or side dish. quasi-landlord took a whiff and declared the tilapia delicious even though she didn't actually eat any of it. it helps that the seasonings (as well as the fish itself) aren't things that will make her sick, so i'm sure this will end up in one or both of our rotations. i'm currently pondering a variation of it with lemon pepper instead of chili powder. i'll let you know if/when that happens.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
the good lord works in mysterious ways
the title of this post is brought to you by the musical version of the color purple.
today was a doozy. i was exhausted when i left the house this morning (thanks, monday night football!) and the news did fuck-all for my well-being or disposition. i think i made it through maybe 2 hours at work before i was ready to just curl up under my desk and cry for the rest of the day. i didn't, because such behavior is frowned upon in the workplace, but a bitch was done. the wall had been hit and i wasn't entirely sure how the fuck i was gonna pull through. past me made reservations for a wine dinner at wildfire with a friend tonight and that was the only thing that kept me more or less upright. seriously. i lost track of how many times i caught myself just sliding down in my chair at work and realizing that no, i couldn't just fall out. stupid "open workspace" environment.
whatever. between the murder by police in tulsa and a judge's decision in a certain rape/sexual assault trial involving a certain nba player, i could barely keep it together. but i did, somehow. made it through pre-gaming and the aforementioned wine dinner with the homie even though he was feeling all kinds of ways. i've said more than once that i just want the people i love to be safe and happy and free, but that is oh so very difficult for the black men in my life. like, wtf am i supposed to tell them at this point that doesn't sound or feel like an outright lie? one of my nearest and dearest friends looked at me tonight and said that his life doesn't matter to anyone, and i looked back at him and said that if his life didn't matter to anyone else, it matters to me, his mother, and his son. i meant it. that was the truest thing i could say.
i felt my tenuous grip on being ok slipping away by the time i got on the train to head home and whatever tears i'd been holding back for the past, oh, i dunno, 12 hours started to fall. it's not the first time i've cried in public and therefore i wasn't really bothered. my humanity's barely seen as it is, so a few tears won't really make a difference. the hell with the strong and/or angry black woman trope that i get to wear unwillingly the majority of the time. if you saw me on the train tonight, you saw me in tears. to hell with it, as teedra moses would say.
while i was on the brown line, i saw a white man wearing a "black lives matter" button. i texted my friend to say that if this guy was still on the train when i got ready to leave, i would say thank you because my spirit needed that recognition in that particular moment. sure enough, he was still on the train and i said thank you and he said you're welcome, and we were both getting off at the same stop and he asked if i'd seen the kerry james marshall exhibit at the museum of contemporary art. as a matter of fact, i'd gone 2-3 weeks ago, so we talked about the exhibit and how amazingly powerful marshall's work is and how we both wanted to see it again and would possibly plan a trip to nyc or l.a. while the exhibit's on tour, and then we parted ways and said goodnight.
needless to say that i was expecting none of that and it is possible that i cried some more while walking home. oh, who am i kidding? i totally cried some more on the way home and went into full ugly cry mode once i closed my bedroom door and got ready to start typing this.
theoretically, i have to get up tomorrow and go to work and be a functional adult. my next day off isn't until november and i'm not sure i'm gonna make it. working from home isn't all that feasible b/c i'd still have to deal with quasi-landlord and the dogs and the wonky internet connection (seriously, comcast, get it together). at one point tonight, i kept thinking that all of this is another reason why i need my own place. i need a safe space for myself and for my friends if they don't want to go home for whatever reason(s). don't misunderstand me - i could show up with any of y'all and explain to quasi-landlord that you needed somewhere safe to be on that particular night and she'd be cool, but i need a place of my own so those conversations don't have to happen and instead i can focus on the difficult conversations about why society at large refuses to acknowledge or hear our pleas to be allowed to alive.
i'm tired, y'all. i am so goddamn tired that i can't even articulate how tired i am. my heart is in pieces and i honestly don't know how it's going to be repaired. the accuser in the aforementioned rape case is about to have her life destroyed even more than it already has been and the thought of it makes me nauseous. i can't join the cacophony of #sayhisname or #sayhername or #saytheirname because there are too many names and i will break all the way down because i do not have the ovarian fortitude to do that.
i tweeted earlier that i/we should do what i/we can, where i/we can, and how i/we can, and that it's totally ok if i/we can't at any particular moment, which i'm really feeling right now. i honestly don't know how much more of this i can take without really reacting and possibly putting myself and/or others in jeopardy. i've accepted this empath/caregiver role, but i am so ready to flip all of the tables, metaphorically and literally. i'm here for y'all as best as i can be in any given moment, but holy christ am i exhausted.
but for right now? i need to try to get some sleep and brace myself for whatever tomorrow might bring (hi, femi kuti). i love y'all. good night.
today was a doozy. i was exhausted when i left the house this morning (thanks, monday night football!) and the news did fuck-all for my well-being or disposition. i think i made it through maybe 2 hours at work before i was ready to just curl up under my desk and cry for the rest of the day. i didn't, because such behavior is frowned upon in the workplace, but a bitch was done. the wall had been hit and i wasn't entirely sure how the fuck i was gonna pull through. past me made reservations for a wine dinner at wildfire with a friend tonight and that was the only thing that kept me more or less upright. seriously. i lost track of how many times i caught myself just sliding down in my chair at work and realizing that no, i couldn't just fall out. stupid "open workspace" environment.
whatever. between the murder by police in tulsa and a judge's decision in a certain rape/sexual assault trial involving a certain nba player, i could barely keep it together. but i did, somehow. made it through pre-gaming and the aforementioned wine dinner with the homie even though he was feeling all kinds of ways. i've said more than once that i just want the people i love to be safe and happy and free, but that is oh so very difficult for the black men in my life. like, wtf am i supposed to tell them at this point that doesn't sound or feel like an outright lie? one of my nearest and dearest friends looked at me tonight and said that his life doesn't matter to anyone, and i looked back at him and said that if his life didn't matter to anyone else, it matters to me, his mother, and his son. i meant it. that was the truest thing i could say.
i felt my tenuous grip on being ok slipping away by the time i got on the train to head home and whatever tears i'd been holding back for the past, oh, i dunno, 12 hours started to fall. it's not the first time i've cried in public and therefore i wasn't really bothered. my humanity's barely seen as it is, so a few tears won't really make a difference. the hell with the strong and/or angry black woman trope that i get to wear unwillingly the majority of the time. if you saw me on the train tonight, you saw me in tears. to hell with it, as teedra moses would say.
while i was on the brown line, i saw a white man wearing a "black lives matter" button. i texted my friend to say that if this guy was still on the train when i got ready to leave, i would say thank you because my spirit needed that recognition in that particular moment. sure enough, he was still on the train and i said thank you and he said you're welcome, and we were both getting off at the same stop and he asked if i'd seen the kerry james marshall exhibit at the museum of contemporary art. as a matter of fact, i'd gone 2-3 weeks ago, so we talked about the exhibit and how amazingly powerful marshall's work is and how we both wanted to see it again and would possibly plan a trip to nyc or l.a. while the exhibit's on tour, and then we parted ways and said goodnight.
needless to say that i was expecting none of that and it is possible that i cried some more while walking home. oh, who am i kidding? i totally cried some more on the way home and went into full ugly cry mode once i closed my bedroom door and got ready to start typing this.
theoretically, i have to get up tomorrow and go to work and be a functional adult. my next day off isn't until november and i'm not sure i'm gonna make it. working from home isn't all that feasible b/c i'd still have to deal with quasi-landlord and the dogs and the wonky internet connection (seriously, comcast, get it together). at one point tonight, i kept thinking that all of this is another reason why i need my own place. i need a safe space for myself and for my friends if they don't want to go home for whatever reason(s). don't misunderstand me - i could show up with any of y'all and explain to quasi-landlord that you needed somewhere safe to be on that particular night and she'd be cool, but i need a place of my own so those conversations don't have to happen and instead i can focus on the difficult conversations about why society at large refuses to acknowledge or hear our pleas to be allowed to alive.
i'm tired, y'all. i am so goddamn tired that i can't even articulate how tired i am. my heart is in pieces and i honestly don't know how it's going to be repaired. the accuser in the aforementioned rape case is about to have her life destroyed even more than it already has been and the thought of it makes me nauseous. i can't join the cacophony of #sayhisname or #sayhername or #saytheirname because there are too many names and i will break all the way down because i do not have the ovarian fortitude to do that.
i tweeted earlier that i/we should do what i/we can, where i/we can, and how i/we can, and that it's totally ok if i/we can't at any particular moment, which i'm really feeling right now. i honestly don't know how much more of this i can take without really reacting and possibly putting myself and/or others in jeopardy. i've accepted this empath/caregiver role, but i am so ready to flip all of the tables, metaphorically and literally. i'm here for y'all as best as i can be in any given moment, but holy christ am i exhausted.
but for right now? i need to try to get some sleep and brace myself for whatever tomorrow might bring (hi, femi kuti). i love y'all. good night.
Friday, September 02, 2016
leaning into a week of yes
why yes, i did have a nice trip visiting my friends a couple of weeks ago. as much as i love this city, it was good to get out of chicago for a bit.
we all know i was going to see "purple rain" at millennium park last tuesday. it'd been on my calendar since the movies in the park schedule was released. of course more people than usual were going to be there after prince's fatal overdose (no, i still can't say or type his name and "death" in the same sentence. shut up), but whatever. i had my lawn chair and my individual box of wine and my snacks and i was fully prepared to be by myself in a sea of people.
but then some of my monthly brunch boos said they were going, and i figured, oh, why not join them? it gave me an excuse to buy macarons from sugar bliss and re-up my levels of #blackgirlmagic and since i'd seen "purple rain" twice since april, i wasn't worried about missing a moment of catharsis.
i'm glad i went. it didn't matter that most of us had just seen each other a week prior at brunch. we caught up as if months had passed and we laughed and we sang and we drank and we ate and it's not as if i have a steady sleep pattern anyway, so who cares that i didn't get home until after 11 and still had to be functional at work the next day?
that very next day, one of my dear friends asked me out for wings and/or pizza. i'd had to decline a previous invitation because i was doing all of the things and needed to come home and do as little as possible, but that evening was clear and so i accepted. we ate and drank and caught up and one of her friends invited me to go sailing. more on that in a bit.
we're on...thursday? thursday night i took myself to the art institute (hooray for free evenings!) and spent some quality time with this exhibit before it closed. i also bought a pair of earrings at the gift shop because they were on sale and i really liked them and sometimes saying yes to yourself is a very good thing.
friday after work, i ran into a couple of girlfriends as i was walking to the train and decided to join them for a drink. they didn't believe i would only have one round and be done. i knew i still needed to pick up dinner and run a couple of errands and go home and tackle some laundry, and i did, and it was great...
...because saturday i'd already said yes to meeting friends at the bar to watch the cubs game and then go check out some live music. i got home at a decent hour, which was important because sunday morning was for sailing!
back to wednesday night. my friend's friend owns a small boat and during dinner, he turned to me and asked "what are you doing sunday?" i said it sounded like a trick question and he should just tell me what i was doing. "you're all coming out with me on the boat on sunday." ok. sure. turned out to just be the two of us and i actually got to steer the boat for a bit, which wasn't scary at all (it totally was!) and it was a gorgeous morning and i would totally go back on that boat again as a "passive sailer," aka someone who just sits and looks out on the water and doesn't actually do anything helpful. then we had lunch at the club, as you do, and i had a hibiscus mimosa and a couple other drinks with lunch and it was delightful.
this all happened because i decided to say yes and be willing to hang around people. obviously this does not always happen (she said while typing on her laptop at home on a friday night), but sometimes it's nice to be surprised by the results.
we all know i was going to see "purple rain" at millennium park last tuesday. it'd been on my calendar since the movies in the park schedule was released. of course more people than usual were going to be there after prince's fatal overdose (no, i still can't say or type his name and "death" in the same sentence. shut up), but whatever. i had my lawn chair and my individual box of wine and my snacks and i was fully prepared to be by myself in a sea of people.
but then some of my monthly brunch boos said they were going, and i figured, oh, why not join them? it gave me an excuse to buy macarons from sugar bliss and re-up my levels of #blackgirlmagic and since i'd seen "purple rain" twice since april, i wasn't worried about missing a moment of catharsis.
i'm glad i went. it didn't matter that most of us had just seen each other a week prior at brunch. we caught up as if months had passed and we laughed and we sang and we drank and we ate and it's not as if i have a steady sleep pattern anyway, so who cares that i didn't get home until after 11 and still had to be functional at work the next day?
that very next day, one of my dear friends asked me out for wings and/or pizza. i'd had to decline a previous invitation because i was doing all of the things and needed to come home and do as little as possible, but that evening was clear and so i accepted. we ate and drank and caught up and one of her friends invited me to go sailing. more on that in a bit.
we're on...thursday? thursday night i took myself to the art institute (hooray for free evenings!) and spent some quality time with this exhibit before it closed. i also bought a pair of earrings at the gift shop because they were on sale and i really liked them and sometimes saying yes to yourself is a very good thing.
friday after work, i ran into a couple of girlfriends as i was walking to the train and decided to join them for a drink. they didn't believe i would only have one round and be done. i knew i still needed to pick up dinner and run a couple of errands and go home and tackle some laundry, and i did, and it was great...
...because saturday i'd already said yes to meeting friends at the bar to watch the cubs game and then go check out some live music. i got home at a decent hour, which was important because sunday morning was for sailing!
back to wednesday night. my friend's friend owns a small boat and during dinner, he turned to me and asked "what are you doing sunday?" i said it sounded like a trick question and he should just tell me what i was doing. "you're all coming out with me on the boat on sunday." ok. sure. turned out to just be the two of us and i actually got to steer the boat for a bit, which wasn't scary at all (it totally was!) and it was a gorgeous morning and i would totally go back on that boat again as a "passive sailer," aka someone who just sits and looks out on the water and doesn't actually do anything helpful. then we had lunch at the club, as you do, and i had a hibiscus mimosa and a couple other drinks with lunch and it was delightful.
this all happened because i decided to say yes and be willing to hang around people. obviously this does not always happen (she said while typing on her laptop at home on a friday night), but sometimes it's nice to be surprised by the results.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
"now if i give you the funk, you gon' take it..."
saw a documentary about parliament funkadelic recently. some former band members were present for a q&a session after the screening. i felt bad because holy shit there is still a lot of righteous and totally justified anger there. i think a couple of them are coping/dealing better than others, but the tension was palpable.
also, i learned that p-funk's "give up the funk" borrowed heavily from david bowie's "fame,' which i hadn't really considered previously but it makes perfect sense. i don't know how i failed to make that connection before but now i can't stop listening to them back-to-back. it reminds me of how i reacted when sjb told me that cee-lo's "bright lights bigger city" and michael jackson's "billie jean" are sorta kinda the same song. i actually have a playlist that's nothing but those two songs and i still listen to it occasionally and my mind is blown all over again.
i left the q&a before it ended because the aforementioned tension was getting to be too much and the folks in the audience giving monologues or soliloquies instead of just asking their question and shutting the fuck up were pissing me off. i wish james had been able to see it, though. did i mention that this screening was on what would have been james' 54th birthday? i think he would've dug it.
also, i learned that p-funk's "give up the funk" borrowed heavily from david bowie's "fame,' which i hadn't really considered previously but it makes perfect sense. i don't know how i failed to make that connection before but now i can't stop listening to them back-to-back. it reminds me of how i reacted when sjb told me that cee-lo's "bright lights bigger city" and michael jackson's "billie jean" are sorta kinda the same song. i actually have a playlist that's nothing but those two songs and i still listen to it occasionally and my mind is blown all over again.
i left the q&a before it ended because the aforementioned tension was getting to be too much and the folks in the audience giving monologues or soliloquies instead of just asking their question and shutting the fuck up were pissing me off. i wish james had been able to see it, though. did i mention that this screening was on what would have been james' 54th birthday? i think he would've dug it.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
vacation, all i ever wanted
going on vacation in a week. actually getting on a plane for the first time in six years. amazing how much has changed since my last flight (memorial day weekend 2010 to philadelphia for the #okpre, to be exact).
hard to seriously think about traveling when you're trying to keep your life together. when staving off eviction and then trying to figure out exactly wtf you're going to do once you've been served with eviction papers, yeah, the thought of going somewhere crosses your mind but you don't act on it. can't act on it, even if you were to take that thought seriously.
but then, you start getting your shit back together. it takes a while. a long while. longer than you thought. the process is still in progress, if you're honest with yourself. but things start coming together. you take a couple of trips to milwaukee for summerfest, but you don't really count those because milwaukee is basically a suburb of chicago in your opinion anyway. last year's winery trip (with a repeat trip already in the works for this year) counted, but that was a road trip if ever there was one.
getting on a plane to visit a state i've not been to yet? this definitely counts, especially since i'm not charging this trip. shout out to my secondary savings account that i set up just for things like this. past me is a genius, i tell you.
i'm excited to see my friends, and relax, and enjoy some time outside of chicago so i can come back ready to resume kicking this year's ass. wishful thinking? of course, considering the havoc that has been 2016 so far, but you can't say i didn't try.
hard to seriously think about traveling when you're trying to keep your life together. when staving off eviction and then trying to figure out exactly wtf you're going to do once you've been served with eviction papers, yeah, the thought of going somewhere crosses your mind but you don't act on it. can't act on it, even if you were to take that thought seriously.
but then, you start getting your shit back together. it takes a while. a long while. longer than you thought. the process is still in progress, if you're honest with yourself. but things start coming together. you take a couple of trips to milwaukee for summerfest, but you don't really count those because milwaukee is basically a suburb of chicago in your opinion anyway. last year's winery trip (with a repeat trip already in the works for this year) counted, but that was a road trip if ever there was one.
getting on a plane to visit a state i've not been to yet? this definitely counts, especially since i'm not charging this trip. shout out to my secondary savings account that i set up just for things like this. past me is a genius, i tell you.
i'm excited to see my friends, and relax, and enjoy some time outside of chicago so i can come back ready to resume kicking this year's ass. wishful thinking? of course, considering the havoc that has been 2016 so far, but you can't say i didn't try.
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