this week in celebratory happiness

remember last week when i said i wanted to try to do at least one thing per week to celebrate my birthday? this week, i got my hair cut for the 1st time in who knows how long, and damn near cried when my stylist refused to take any money from me. i finally upgraded my phone last weekend and am still getting accustomed to this touch screen keyboard hotness. funny thing to say in 2012, i know, but it's true. and tonight i'll be kicking off the holidays with some former co-workers, which is almost always guaranteed to be a good time. so, yay!

hope y'all had a good week. :-)

edited at an insane hour on (technically) sunday morning to add: i almost forgot to mention my twitter-based win from this week: free shoes from dsw! and i definitely forgot to include the free grub i won from grubhub in last week's post. my bad.

mmm...smile juice...

oh, internet. this smile juice post from animals talking in all caps knows my life and wins all the things. that is all.

it's the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year!

yes, i am talking about my birthday celebration/season. y'all should've seen that coming from 4359 miles away. i knew it was going to start sometime in november, but i was honestly waiting to see how election night panned out first. now that that's over (woo!!!!!!!!!), the festivities can begin. and like four years ago, i plan on celebrating from now until inauguration day. my slightly ambitious plan is to do at least one thing per week for myself, like a mini-birthday present. this week i ordered my 2013 le petit prince calendar. i'm also planning to upgrade my phone, which, as you know if you've seen my phone, is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdue.

i have no idea what year 36 is going to look like. (also, 36? jfc i am getting old.) i can't bring myself to make a wish list yet, seeing as how my 2012 wish list still has most of its original entries on it. i also can't bring myself to write out a full reflection on how year 35 played out, b/c holy shit i did not anticipate things panning out the way they did. am i still slightly dazed and confused as to how it all came about? damn straight. am i thankful? absolutely.

speaking of being thankful...if you're in town for thanksgiving and don't wanna cook, let me know. i'm taking myself out for thanksgiving dinner (yup, as part of my b-day celebration) and you're welcome to join me.

for now, though, i'm going to continue decompressing from this work week. hooray for dvr'd shows and chocolate. :-)

and speaking of november

if you haven't voted already, i hope you have plans to do so, either today or on tuesday. i will be hosting election night shenanigans this year - if you'd rather not sit at home by yourself watching the returns come in, you should stop by. i don't know if i'll be drinking in celebration or out of sheer misery, but either way i'll be unsober. if you didn't get an invite via email, let me know & i'll forward you the details. kthxbai.

holy crap it's november

on my way home tonight, i was prepared to do a post about how utterly insane things have been at work yesterday and today. i mean, really insane. a co-worker & i had to threaten to call security on some assclown this afternoon and then i had to remove myself from the situation before i chased after said assclown. and yesterday, a soon to be former co-worker got physical with a supervisor (hence the "soon to be former" part) to the point where the supervisor had to seek medical attention. yes, i work at a library. no, you wouldn't normally expect this kind of behavior at a library. i told you it was crazy.

that's the cliff notes version, though. my original plan was to go into slightly more detail about those incidents and how some folks at work, self included, were reacting to/coping with things.

after dinner, i was going through some files and came across something i'd written a while back:

"...i'm not as concerned about the destination as i am about the journey. if only i could be as zen about the rest of my life."

 i don't know why that struck a chord with me tonight, but it did, and i decided to share it here and not get bogged back down into the details of work-related insanity. happy friday.

circles and cycles

there's a jewel w/in walking distance to my current abode. to get there, i take a shortcut that passes by a junior high school. not just any junior high school, though...the same junior high school that served as a campsite for day 2 of the breast cancer 3-day i walked in back in 2004. the same junior high school i decided not to sleep at that night b/c i was so tired and so close to home that i asked troy in advance to get someone pick me up from the school and drive us home so i could shower and pass out. the same junior high school where the sweep van deposited me and some other walkers b/c we were damn near delirious with exhaustion and there was a storm coming and they were worried about our safety and i sobbed all the way back to that junior high school b/c i hadn't technically finished the mileage for that day even though at some points i literally fell asleep while walking. i was probably still crying when i saw troy and kim and nick and i think curcio was there too and maybe some other people i don't remember right now. i remember going to dinner w/troy and kim and nick, i remember going home, taking a shower, and going the fuck to sleep b/c i had to get up at some insane hour to catch a cab back to the junior high school. i remember the cab driver having no idea where the school was, and i really didn't either, but we made it eventually and i met up with the rest of my team and we grabbed some breakfast and headed out for the final day of the breast cancer 3-day. i remember making the decision to walk in the 2004 3-day b/c i'd volunteered for the past 3 or 4 years prior and i wanted to walk in at least one event. as it happens, 2004 also was the 20th anniversary of my mom's death. growing up, i'd always been told that she died of a heart attack, but i was probably in junior high or high school when someone (daddy, maybe? or maybe james? i dunno) said that she'd had breast cancer. 28 years later, and i can still tell you how the family broke the news of my mother's death to me. i can still remember bits and pieces of her funeral and how i tugged on my father's arm to get him to stand up when my mom's pastor asked any visitors to stand b/c the funeral was at my mom's church and daddy & i went to a different church and therefore, to my 7 y.o. mind, we were visiting even though we'd been there any number of times previously b/c my brothers also went to that church and greg was playing drums and mom was involved in who knows how many activities. so, yeah. i feel a little pang whenever i pass that junior high school to buy groceries. it's also the site for my nearest market day pickup, which, as i'm sure i've written about previously, reminds me of james. not in a bad way, mind you, but his not being here still hits me sometimes like it just happened.

and then sometimes i get even more emotional than usual b/c i find myself trying to figure out how i got to this place. how i came to be living this close to that junior high school, and how the woman of this house lost her 9-year battle with cancer this summer, and how i'm always like #fuckcancer b/c seriously, fuck cancer and if i have to explain that to you, well, then, fuck you too b/c clearly you haven't been paying attention to my life or the lives of anyone around us who's had to deal with cancer b/c cancer fucking sucks. there's not a week that goes by that i don't wish/hope/pray for better outcomes for my friends' mothers and fathers and relatives and friends and, when i'm feeling particularly low and selfish, for my own parents, b/c fuck cancer. and i wish i didn't have this housesitting gig b/c i'd much rather for my quasi-landlord to still have her mother around and living here instead of me. cancer's real evil like that, so fuck cancer.

there's someone at work who has a variation of the lung disease james had before he got really ill. i hear them complain about all the pills they have to take and how nothing works and since they already get on my nerves b/c they kinda suck at their job which makes my work life more difficult, i really want to punch them in the face even though it's not their fault and they're not intentionally setting out to remind me of james more than i already think of him. i wish james was still around to tell me about his latest drug regimen and how the steroids his doctor prescribed once made him go to popeye's and order an 12-piece box of chicken that he proceeded to eat in one sitting while his co-workers wondered aloud where their lunch was b/c they thought he was gonna share that box of chicken and how he hated feeling hungry and bloated and fat but if that's what he needed to go through to get better, then that's what he'd do. and since this co-worker and i aren't on super-friendly terms, i just nod whenever they start whining about how much their life sucks when i really want to yell at them to be grateful for whatever life they have b/c some people don't get the chance to live as long as we want them to, but then i walk away b/c y'all know i need this job more than a little bit and i'd rather not get fired on some bullshit.

i watched benji tonight and every 5-10 minutes or so, when i'd recover from a crying jag, i'd wish i could call james and ask him what he remembered. i was only 7 when ben wilson died. it was in 1984. the same year i lost my mother. ben winning the state championship happened right after my mom's funeral, give/take a week or two. i was 7 going on 8 that november. james had just turned 22. he would've remembered benji better than i would have or could have. i wanted to call james and have him take me down memory lane, to talk about benji and about our lives w/o our mother in those first few months. what was easter like for us that year? his birthday? thanksgiving? my birthday? christmas? i couldn't tell y'all if i wanted to what those first months were like b/c i don't remember, and the person who was closest to me in age isn't around anymore for me to ask, and i'd just start crying again. seriously, b/c benji and this week's episode of "parenthood," i have cried more while watching tv tonight than i probably do in a month or more.

and yet here i am. in this house i don't own or rent, brought here by circumstances i couldn't even begin to weave together in my wildest of imaginations. i am grateful and confused and a bit bitter and a bit lonely and i hope y'all understand how much it costs for me to type that out and have it on public display. i'm not taking it back, either. sometimes i get sick and tired of holding all of my pieces together b/c i can't trust myself to let them fall b/c i don't know who's going to be there to catch and reassemble them. sometimes i get really fucking angry even when i'm attempting to have an attitude of gratitude and then i get pissed at myself for being upset. sometimes i will have a mini-breakdown in public b/c a certain song will come up on my ipod that reminds me of daddy, or of james, or of 1st c., or of some other happier times and those times are long gone and i can't see any additional happy times coming, which is totally unfair to the beloved friends i've gathered around me b/c y'all have provided endless moments of hilarity and happiness and it's one of the 5011 reasons why i love y'all. sometimes i'm scared of what's next. i'm scared of not knowing what's next. scared of not being able to handle what's next. it's like i have control over so very little in my life right now and i am terrified of ceding that control b/c i don't know what's going to happen. i don't like that feeling. i don't like feeling like i can't tell someone how i really feel b/c i don't want to lose whatever goodwill we have right now. i don't even like putting that last sentence out there, but i'm not taking that one back, either. not right now, anyway.

i feel as though i should apologize to anyone who was hoping for yet another recipe review and not this emotional regurgitation, but in my defense, i did post 3 recipe reviews back-to-back-to-back, so it's not as if you're deficient in that area.

i'm going to get ready to call it a night now b/c i'm a bit emotionally exhausted (gee, i wonder why?) and b/c sleep for dessert always wins. see y'all later.

recipe review: bacon orzo

i'm keeping this review quick because it's almost time for the bears game to start and i still need to finish catching up on the day's emails and maybe work on a few job apps before i have beer for dessert. (what? beer for dessert is totally acceptable, especially when lemon berry shandy is involved.)

but i digress. let's talk about the bacon orzo i made tonight. i resisted the temptation to add more bacon, but if/when i make it again, i might add some garlic. i wound up using about 3/4 cup of reserved cooking liquid, and i probably could've used the whole cup and been fine. we'll see if i regret that decision when i have some of the leftovers for tomorrow's dinner. i made some smoked sausage and broccoli to go along with the orzo, and i also used the rest of the carrots i had on hand to make more of the butter-roasted carrots i reviewed last week. omg those carrots. they're so delicious. i miss them already. you guys should try them. at some point i'm going to make some roasted broccoli and more of those carrots and i will be a happy girl.

recipe review: italian sausage soup

this weather calls for soup. at least, i'd decided that today's weather called for soup. since my crockpot is still in storage, i needed something that i could make relatively quickly after work when i'm starving and i don't want trail mix or any other snacks (on snacks) b/c i'm focused on dinner and anything else is just going to piss me off.

enter italian sausage soup. i knew i had italian sausage on hand, and chicken broth, and parmesan cheese. i had to go to the store today anyway, so picking up spinach and tomatoes and pasta wasn't much of an issue. i skipped the basil b/c i hate buying fresh herbs when i only need a tablespoon or two.

other changes i made - i used a package of mild pork italian sausage instead of the turkey italian sausage called for b/c that's what i had. i increased the pasta to 1 cup uncooked (this was on sale for 99 cents, so i decided to try it out - i didn't notice a difference in taste compared to traditional pasta, so yay!). as for spinach, i used an entire 9oz bag of regular (vs. baby) spinach.

verdict? nom. i didn't miss the basil at the end, and i didn't add any salt or other seasonings, either. i definitely added grated parmesan cheese, though, b/c cheese is awesome. i found some sourdough bread in the freezer and had a couple of pieces with my soup and i was a happy girl. after 2 bowls, there's still enough left for at least 1-2 meals, depending on how hungry i am. i'd make it again.

2 recipes, 1 review post

o hai!

i told y'all that i was going to attempt to try some new (to me) recipes and post them here before the end of the month, and here i am. i actually made 2 new dishes last night for dinner: blackened catfish and butter-roasted carrots.

butter-roasted carrots: the recipe says that there will be no leftovers, and they were right. i started noshing on these after they came out of the oven while the fish finished cooking, and by the time i was ready to clean up the kitchen, the carrots were gone. i used maybe 1/2 a pound of carrots, and substituted seasoned salt for the salt & pepper. i also left them in the oven for about 20 minutes instead of the 15 minutes called for in the recipe, b/c i'm still figuring out how this oven works and wanted to be sure they were tender and not crunchy. i still have 1/2 a pound of carrots left and it's entirely possible i'll make these again within the next few days.

blackened catfish: i felt as though i hadn't made catfish in forever, so i was kinda excited when i went to the store the other day and saw catfish nuggets on sale. instead of the catfish fillets listed, i used about a pound of catfish nuggets. i skipped the lemons because i found this recipe after i'd already gone to the store and i wasn't going back just for one ingredient. longtime readers may be surprised to know that i actually used ground red pepper, given my well-documented aversion to spicy foods, but it actually wasn't that bad. i'd probably make these again. i wonder if i can combine this spice rub with cornmeal and make some sort of oven-baked blackened catfish. yes, i know oven-baked blackened catfish sounds like an oxymoron, but i might try it anyway.

stay tuned for more recipes - i have a couple more picked out that i'm hoping to try w/in the next week or so.

happy hump day! :-)

living all alone

unlike the late great phyllis hyman, i am more than ok with living all alone. in case you missed it - i moved! i'm still in the suburbs (hint: i am now living in the white-skinned land i mocked all those years ago), but it's an extended housesitting gig. i have the place to myself. no childcare unless i take on a babysitting gig. i made bacon tonight, for fuck's sake! there's wifi and cable and my commute to work is 20 minutes at most. yeah, i'm not back in chicago, but i can think of worse fates than this, so i'm thankful all the same.

yesterday i spent the entire day indoors, with the exception of dragging the trash bins from the curb and refilling the bird feeder. it was wonderful. my phone only rang once so i barely had to talk to anyone and i just got to hang out in the quiet. i missed it so much.

i miss you guys, too. once i have my act together, and once my landlord (for lack of a better term) gives the ok, i'm going to try to have some of y'all over. it won't be sunday fun day (have i mentioned how much i dislike working on sundays during football season? thank god for sunday night & monday night football), but it'll be...something. maybe election night, assuming that i don't have a full-time job by then and can drink myself silly w/o having to worry about getting up the next morning.

my goal is to attempt at least one new recipe and post it here before the month is out. my recipe files keep growing and i just haven't had the time or inclination lately to try anything new. stay tuned.

hope y'all are doing relatively well. :-)

just in time for prince's chicago gigs

i present some of y'all (b/c i'm sure a few of you have already seen it) with this clip of maya rudolph and gretchen lieberum singing prince's "darling nikki" on late night with jimmy fallon. if you haven't seen it, watch it now b/c prince is notorious for yanking his songs off of teh interwebz.

no, i won't be going to see prince next week. i was (and still am) holding out hope for additional shows to be added, b/c to me, 3 nights does not a "residency" make. luckily seeing prince live has already been crossed off of my bucket list, but i'd still like to see him again. maybe i'll get my wish and more shows will be added and both my finances and my schedule will align and i can go to there. we'll see.

and yes, this is one of my "in lieu of actual content i will just throw up a link or some such for y'all to look at" posts. there's a lot going on, some of which i've posted about on my other site, and as soon as i feel like i can breathe normally again, i will get back to posting about recipes and random nonsense.

also, this new blogger interface kinda sucks the mop. i'm sure i'll get used to it, but right now? dislike.

sometimes i think the internet is spying on me

when i see something like this, i immediately think "you don't know my life!" and then realize that yes, the internet does know my life sometimes. sigh.

i love sasha obama so much.

i've made no secret of this previously. i am firmly convinced that sasha will rule all of us one day and i'm kinda looking forward to it. 

that said, though, i had to interrupt my viewing and live-tweeting of president obama's speech at the dnc to share this with y'all.

that is all.

oh, wait: make sure you're registered to vote if you're not already.

good night.

it's one of the most wonderful times of the year

that's right, ladies and gentlemen. football's back, and i, for one, welcome the return of our gridiron overlords. now that i've pretty much recovered from saturday's northwestern game (seriously, guys - it's way too early in the season for us to be in cardiac cats mode, mmkay?), i can focus more of my attention on the bears.

if you're doing anything fun for opening day, or even if you're just gonna sit on your couch and drink lots of beer while watching lots of football, let me know. i took the day off of work on sunday just so i can watch the game. yes, i've become that girl. i've already figured out that i'll miss at least half of the season if i continue working sundays, which makes me sad. not opening day, though, and not the day before my birthday (b/c, seriously, bears vs. packers? happy birthday to me!) if i can help it. my plans for this sunday are still a bit up in the air, so, really, let's talk if you're plotting some sort of shenanigans and/or fuckery.

football! woo!

reason 5983 why i love melissa harris-perry

if you tuned into this morning's edition of the "melissa harris-perry show" on msnbc, then you (hopefully) caught this discussion about welfare and safety nets and, in what will probably be my favorite televised non-football related moment of the weekend, the mini-rant that starts at about 8:20 here:

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

reading romance shouldn't be this difficult

yeah, yeah, i read romance novels. i've read them for years. i follow some of my favorite authors on twitter. i'm number 200-something on the library's waiting list for a book that doesn't come out until damn near thanksgiving. judge me all you want.

[note: the rest of this post will have all kinds of triggers about sexual assault/abuse, so if this is a sensitive topic for you, please stop reading now. kthx.]

i've been reading a romance series by susan mallery and, much to my delight, there have been some new titles this summer. i finally got my copy of the most recent one, "all summer long," last week from the library and started reading it a couple of days ago. normally, i can get through a romance novel in a couple of hours, tops, and in even less time if i'm able to read cover-to-cover w/o being interrupted.

this one, though, took me a while to get through. not because it's a bad novel, but b/c the struggles of the main female character brought back a lot of memories/issues. once upon a time, i wrote about some "bad touching" that happened to me when i was 8 or 9, and how i'd repressed that memory until i was in high school, and how the husband of my then-favorite cousin decided it'd be a good idea for us to watch some pr0n when i was 16 and while his wife and sons were in the other room, and how i ran out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom for as long as possible and how i didn't tell anyone in my family b/c i knew daddy or james or any other male relative would've done time for (attempted) murder even though i'm sure someone must've figured out something b/c i never ever went to that cousin's house again.

ok, so maybe i didn't previously write about that last part.

anyway (consider this a spoiler alert if you actually plan on reading this book), charlie, our heroine, was raped in college and has had a challenging time establishing intimacy. i'll spare you the details, but the process she goes through definitely has some parallels to what i went through (and at times still go through). it's heartbreaking and ultimately gratifying, to say the least. i can't tell you the last time i cried while reading a romance novel, but i definitely shed a few tears over this one.

i am so very thankful to susan (hey, i follow her on twitter, so i feel like i can be on a first name basis even though we've never met irl) for treating this subject with dignity and respect. if i was inclined to write reviews on amazon, i'd post this there, but i'm not and therefore it's here. susan, if you somehow manage to read this, please know that i've been a fan of yours for a few years now and i will be forever grateful to you for sharing charlie's story in such a powerful way. thank you.

books that have left me reeling - summer 2012 edition

it's no secret to anyone that i like to read. a lot. there's a book club/contest thing going on at work this summer and more than one person has dropped out after seeing just how many books (and accompanying points) i've added to my list since i started.

according to my spreadsheet, i've read 98 books so far in 2012. most of them were pretty uneventful. a few nonfiction ones introduced me to events/historical information i wasn't previously aware of. two novels in particular, though, made me ask some variation of "what the fuck?" and/or "are you fucking serious?" at least a dozen times while reading them, and i'm going to share those titles with you now.

the first: "gold" by chris cleave. i remember alternating between laughing hysterically at one page and within that same chapter, wanting to throw the book across the room and scream "what the fuck is going on?" not in a bad way, mind you - more in a "did this guy (meaning the author) really put these words in this order and omg i can't believe s/he (meaning a particular character) went there and i think my brain is going to asplode" kind of way. i like books that have that kind of impact on me.

i just finished reading the 2nd book, gillian flynn's "gone girl," a few minutes ago. oh my fucking fuck this fucking book is so fucking twisted that it fucking makes me want to say (ok, type) the word fuck in as many fucking ways as fucking possible in one fucking sentence. a couple of people on my twitter feed have read this and noted that it was definitely not a sunshine and kittens and lollipops kind of beach novel. i'm not exaggerating when i say that there are hundreds of people waiting to get this book from the library. last i checked, the wait list was at 1,500+ and counting. if i had to put money on it, i'd say that i've checked out and returned more copies of "gone girl" than any other book since i started at the library. and now i know what the fuss has been about. holy fucking shitballs. these characters are twisted and i kinda want a sequel even though no good can come of it whatsoever. and in about 9 hours, i'll be at work and my co-workers will want a review and i'll have to think of a sentence that doesn't involve the word fuck. i'll probably fail. fuck.

meanwhile, somewhere in my "waiting to be read" pile there's a book called zombies vs. unicorns. yes, i checked it out solely based on the title. i hope i'm not disappointed.

if you've read "gold" and/or "gone girl," please feel free to leave your proverbial two cents in the comments. read any other books lately that elicited a visceral reaction from you? let's talk about those, too. not right now, though. right now i need to go the fuck to sleep. g'night.

happy birthday, baby brother

james would have been 50 years old today. i know it's a bit odd to refer to him as my baby brother, considering that he was 14 years old when i was born, but that's kind of how i grew up thinking of him and therefore that's what sticks. lots of things stick when i look back on the admittedly complicated relationship james and i had. i'm going to share a few of them in this post and hopefully not dissolve into tears when i click "publish." i think (hope?) these will be new to y'all; if not, pretend like they are, mmkay?

cake batter -- the memories i have of my mother are relatively few and i cherish them more than...damn near anything, really. one of them involved her making a cake and me sneaking a taste from the bowl of batter. innocent enough, right? i couldn't wait to lick the spoon or the beaters from the mixer, b/c i was all of 4 or 5 and the concept of patience was lost on me, so i'd dip my finger(s) in the batter. usually i was somehow able to do this without getting busted, which, in hindsight, probably meant that mama was just choosing to overlook the breach.

not this time, though. this time, i'd forgotten that i was in the middle of a massive coloring project when i snuck a taste. i had marker ink all over my fingers and, yes, that ink somehow transferred into the cake batter. did i know this? nope. did i lie when mama asked if i'd put my fingers in the batter? absolutely. did i get called into the kitchen to be confronted with the evidence of my crime, only to be banished to my room to await my punishment? yup.

enter james. he somehow thought that i could convince our dear mother to spare the rod if i apologized. specifically, he thought if i wrote/drew her a letter saying that i was sorry and asking her not to whoop me, i might get off the hook. laughable now, but y'all know i sat right down and wrote my mother a letter anyway. i think it went something like "dear mama, i'm sorry, please don't whoop me, i love you."

yeah, mama whooped me anyway. i don't think james got off scot-free, either. but i love(d) the fact that he tried to help a sister out.

din da da



the first time i heard this song, i was in the kitchen at our old house. james' room was just off the kitchen and he was playing it. i don't know if it was on the radio or if he'd taped it or what, but i have this really vivid memory of looking in the fridge for something and being completely distracted by what i was hearing. again in hindsight, it was probably b/c this song was way different than the gospel that mama and daddy tended to listen to. on the flip side, james (and greg, and sylvester) also introduced me to smooth jazz (shoutout to wnua 95.5), and i'm reasonably sure that the first time i heard digital underground's "freaks of the industry" was on the radio in james' car. the internet says that "freaks of the industry" was released in 1990, so i was in high school by then and therefore not as impressionable as i could have been, i suppose.

space invaders -- when i was at the arcade the other night, i was all set to relive my childhood by playing duck hunt and shooting the shit out of that asshole dog, and i did, and that was fun. but then i saw space invaders, aka one of the first video games i learned how to play, and i got really excited...until i realized it was broken. womp. and yeah, james had an atari and i'd play space invaders and centipede for as long as he'd let me. before the other night, i hadn't played centipede in...god, at least a decade, if not longer. same goes for duck hunt, and yes, i shot at the dog a bazillion times. i hate that dog. i'm pretty sure everyone who's ever played duck hunt hates that dog. that dog can suck it.

to say that i miss having james around would be an understatement. wait. let me rephrase that. to say that i miss being able to call/email/see/talk to james in person would be an understatement. his spirit's still around, kinda like how my parents' spirits are around. there are still certain quasi-distant relatives of mine who have a hard time looking me in my face b/c i remind them so much of james. sorry, y'all. can't really do anything about that. james & i are our mother's children, after all, and we both look like slightly darker versions of her. funny how no one asks how i feel when i look in the mirror sometimes and see james' face or my mother's face.

but this isn't about me. well, it is, kinda, but you know what i mean. it's about remembering my "baby" brother and some of the cool stuff he taught me/introduced me to. it's also about trying not to freak out over the fact that james would've been 50 and i'll be 36 in december and holy crap i am so old and why is time going so fast, etc.

if heaven exists, i hope that today, james gets to eat all of his favorite foods and listen to all of his favorite music while shooting the shit with the angels/spirits of his choosing. i mean, it should be like that every day in heaven as far as i'm concerned, but i don't make the rules. :P

an ode to chronicbabe

i no longer remember when i signed up for chronicbabe's newsletters. no, i don't have a chronic illness (*knocks on wood*), but i still read them and every now and then, i get something valuable out of them. like this one:

Just because we're sick and need help - lots of it, sometimes - doesn't mean we have to spend our days begging forgiveness and bowing down in gratitude for every assist. BUT we need to thank the people who help us.

Someone open a door for you? Say thanks. A friend cooked you dinner? Say thanks. The newspaper delivery person always makes sure your paper makes it onto your porch? Say thanks. See a military member coming home at the airport? Say thanks. Doctor give you some good advice? Say thanks. Sprinkle thanks like confetti. Like glitter. Like sprinkles on a cupcake. Fling it around.

Say thanks. Do it. It's so easy. So many people do so many good things for us every day, and many of them never ask for a thing in return. But you can give them something vitally important: gratitude. Especially when you have nothing left to give, gratitude still means a great deal. And just like we need help sometimes, the folks who love us and care for us need to know we care. Sometimes saying thanks is all it takes.

and y'all know i try to keep an attitude of gratitude going whenever possible, right? even on those days when, frankly, i'd love nothing more than to curl up in a ball and drown my sorrows in a bottle of tequila, i try to find at least one thing or person to be thankful for. not saying it instantly cures my mood, but it helps put things in perspective for me, and that's usually all i need in that moment.

with that said - if i haven't publicly said thank you in a while, consider this a big giant public thanks for...well, everything. i'm not gonna name names or list specific things b/c i know i'd forget something or someone and no one wants that. so, thank you. a lot. y'all rock and i'd rather not picture my life without you in it b/c i would have all of the sadness.

oh, and go check out chronicbabe's site and sign up for her newsletter and/or twitter feed if you're so inclined. :-)

"wow, that dream was weird. i should blog about it!"

that was one of the first thoughts i had this morning, after my initial "holy shit it's august!" panic moment and before i managed to get in the shower and finish waking up. in all honesty, though, i should note that i'm using "weird" in that lazy/can't think of another adjective kind of way, so if you're afraid of what you're about to read, don't be. :P

here's what i remember: i was at some sort of church or auditorium or some other large space because i'd been pressed into service at someone's wedding. not as an usher or behind-the-scenes type of person, but an attendant. someone (i'm still trying to figure out the identity of this person - you'll see why as this continues) thought it would be a good idea to set me up on a blind date of sorts with some dude who was also at this wedding.

not a bad thought as far as thoughts go, right? here's where things get "weird," though - this dude and i had nothing in common. he didn't like reading, he didn't like sports, he wasn't really into food or plays or music or any of the myriad things i like checking out when i have time and money to do so...and he wasn't attractive, either. thankfully, we both realized the distinct lack of a love connection and went our separate ways.

later at that wedding, someone else (seriously, i need to figure out who these people are irl and smack them) asked how my conversation with dude i wouldn't even want to be friends with went, and after i told them, they went on a mini-rant about how women my age can't be picky and if i ever wanted to have kids i needed to get it together, etc.

so, yeah. longest.wedding.ever. did i mention that one of my brothers was also an attendant, and he walked down the aisle holding his suit jacket behind him with his fingers instead of actually wearing it? and that all of us just walked down the aisle as opposed to marching in time with any music or anything? and that i have no idea who was actually getting married?

later in that dream (let's assume this wasn't the same day as the wedding, but i really don't know), a couple of my favorite guy friends picked me up and surprised me with a trip to a bar i hadn't been to before, where we were served beer and 25-cent wings, and all was well.

told you it was "weird." also, i think i might order wings for dinner tonight, b/c, well, why not? :P