apologies for the silence, folks. i was kinda busy, what with finding an apartment and being approved for it and signing a lease and buying things and packing and unpacking and trying to get organized and all. wait...what?
i am currently typing this from my apartment. an apartment that i am straining my budget to afford every month, but it's mine and i have a balcony and it's closer to work and one of my most frequented bars is like 3 blocks away and it is all mine. woo!
how long have i been waiting to write a sentence like that? oh, only 6 years or so. part of me still can't believe that this is happening. that i am actually in a space of my own and my name is on a lease and holy fucking shit you guys i am finally in a living situation that i picked out and have complete control over. well, as much control as an apartment renter would have, anyway.
i haven't been here a full week yet, even though i've been moving stuff in and out all month long, so there's still some things for me to get used to or discover. like the water pressure in the shower being so low that it makes me sad every morning. like cooking with an electric stove, which i've done only a few times before. like remembering just how much i appreciate silence, especially since i don't have a tv yet. like figuring out what kind of seating arrangements i want in the living room. do i want a couch? a table and chairs? a couple of bar stools near the kitchen? a pile of big fluffy pillows? some combination thereof? so many options!
a big huge thank you to everyone for all of their support during the move and, well, during the past 6 years. the journey took way longer than i thought it would, but i'm here, and i am beyond grateful.
if you didn't get my "o hai i moved here's my new contact info" email and you think that maybe you should have that handy, let me know. my memory is trash and i'm sleep-deprived and it's entirely possible that i inadvertently left someone out. sorry.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Thursday, May 04, 2017
on: privilege, gratitude, and feeling like a poseur
(originally written around 10:30am today. a couple of things have already changed, so i'll update accordingly within the post using italics.)
i've been mulling over privilege during the past few days or so. i don't have much of it, as a black woman in this current society, but i do have a bit. i've been fighting a cold since last week and i was able to stay home twice - once as an official sick day, and the other by my choosing to work from home - so i could try to get my life together. totally failed at that, as evidenced by the bronchitis diagnosis i received yesterday, but at least i was able to try. i was also able to go to an immediate care clinic near home to get checked out because this coughing is obnoxious and i'm losing at least an hour of sleep a night because of it, which i really can't afford because my sleep pattern is already trash. given that the house of representatives is considering yet another attempt to repeal the aca as i type this (GODDAMMIT, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES! WHAT THE FUCK?), being able to use my employer-provided insurance and not having to worry about paying hundreds or thousands of dollars out of pocket is a blessing. that same insurance covered all but $12 or so of the medicine i was prescribed for this stupid cough (can you tell i'm beyond over this? ugh).
the whole insurance thing has been on my mind because it's almost been a whole entire year since i had surgery. i know - i can barely believe it myself. it feels like just yesterday when i was having all of the anxiety about the surgery and staying in the hospital overnight (not gonna lie, typing that just now made me shudder, so you know the phobia is real and just typing it again some 11 hours later still creeps me out, btw), but here we are.
i am, of course, incredibly grateful to have access to quality health care, both of the physical and mental varieties, without having to worry too much about how i'm going to pay for it. i'm also thankful for having sick time that allowed me to stay home and recuperate last year after surgery, and that same sick time came in handy this time last week when i realized that yes, i needed to stay home and attempt to rest. who knew i'd end up having 6 nosebleeds on friday, or that i'd lose my voice for 3-4 days, or that i'd come down with a migraine late sunday/early monday after i'd already taken a benadryl for the night and couldn't take a migraine pill and then had all of the migraine-induced nausea, or that this annoying cough would become the bane of my fucking existence? seriously. only i would end up with bronchitis (and a possible sinus infection! woo!) after what appeared to be a regular cold.
i'm also grateful to quasi-landlord, who, after returning home from her louisiana vacation last night, took one look at me and made me a mug of mint tea, even though i'm quite honestly sick of drinking tea and am ready to take a break from hot toddy time. she also brought back pralines and caramels for me, which was awesome because i'd meant to ask her about possible praline souvenirs, but i was too busy having laryngitis and attempting to have a social life because i'd already paid for tickets to things and therefore staying home all weekend was not an option. you should've seen my face last night when quasi-landlord broke out that box of pralines for me. actually, no, you shouldn't have. my cheeks are still kinda blotchy from the migraine-induced nausea, plus my nose is in full rudolph mode, and my hair has basically taken the week off from even pretending to be cooperative when i try to style it. dead sexy, let me tell you.
i'm going to a talk/networking thing at work later this afternoon. i still have a strong aversion to formal networking, mind you, but the talk is being given by one of the highest ranking black women at the firm. i'm still not feeling 100%, but i felt like this was important enough to drag myself into the office. i think that sometimes, it's helpful to see what's possible, even if it's not something i actually want for myself. bonus if #blackgirlmagic is involved somehow. (so glad i sucked it up and went. she said some things that i needed to hear and i swear the universe just knows sometimes.)
i kinda feel like a fraud, though. i was trying to figure out what to wear to work today and even this button-down shirt and these pants scream "trying too hard" to me, despite the fact that it's an outfit i've worn countless times before. i obviously want to be a bit more presentable than usual since i'm going to this shindig, but...i don't know. y'know how sometimes you see folks in full business attire and they just project this sense of "yes, i am a major player in whatever business this is" and you just want to sit in the corner and nurse your drink until it's socially acceptable for you to sneak out without saying anything to anyone? no? just me? dammit.
yes, i know i have lots to offer professionally - i've been working for more than 20 years and i know enough to know that there's so much more that i don't know - but sometimes it still feels as if i have nothing to contribute. not because i don't like my job, because i do actually enjoy what i do most days even if some of the folks i work with drive me up the fucking wall, but because i feel as if i'm not supposed to be (t)here. like i snuck in somehow and at any moment, my cover will be blown and i'll be marched out.
given the thoroughness of the background check that was performed before this job was officially offered to me, there's little to no chance of that actually happening in real life, but it still bugs me. y'all know me. i rarely if ever play myself small. i think i've been referring to myself as queeneulalia or queen of the universe or some permutation thereof since college, so clearly i'm about that "let's dream big!" life.
and yet.
i told myself when i took this job that i would at least try to go to some of these networking events even though i'd much rather be doing hoodrat things with my friends, and if i didn't know or recognize anyone at the event, that i would stay for at least one drink or 15 minutes into the networking part of things. yes, i know the whole point of networking is to make new connections and all that shit, but fuck that. a bitch doesn't really like people like that on most days and i could be at the bar or on my way home or reading a book or eating tacos or whatever instead of sipping questionable red wine and possibly nibbling on cheese and crackers or crudites and making small talk or outwardly feigning interest in whatever's being discussed while trying to figure out how soon i can get back down to my desk to pack up and call it a day. i'm already doing the math in my head - if the networking part starts at 5, i can maybe call it a day at 5:20 at the latest, assuming that i'm able to grab a drink right at 5 or shortly thereafter, and assuming i don't run into anyone i know or feel the need to stay longer. i am also keeping in mind that a coughing fit may strike at any time, despite my meds, and therefore i may have to unfortunately excuse myself when the talk concludes. (i totally left after the talk concluded. i wound up sitting next to another black woman who works on the same floor as i do, so we both agreed that going back to our desks and wrapping things up was the better use of our time. she did introduce me to someone that she knew, though, so i did actually meet one new person. that totally counts. 😀)
yes, i'm serious. yes, i know it's not really that serious in the whole scheme of things but yes, it is that serious to me. don't knock the coping mechanism until you've tried it...and even then, you shouldn't knock it. just because it doesn't suit you doesn't mean that it won't be great for someone else. 💜
i've been mulling over privilege during the past few days or so. i don't have much of it, as a black woman in this current society, but i do have a bit. i've been fighting a cold since last week and i was able to stay home twice - once as an official sick day, and the other by my choosing to work from home - so i could try to get my life together. totally failed at that, as evidenced by the bronchitis diagnosis i received yesterday, but at least i was able to try. i was also able to go to an immediate care clinic near home to get checked out because this coughing is obnoxious and i'm losing at least an hour of sleep a night because of it, which i really can't afford because my sleep pattern is already trash. given that the house of representatives is considering yet another attempt to repeal the aca as i type this (GODDAMMIT, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES! WHAT THE FUCK?), being able to use my employer-provided insurance and not having to worry about paying hundreds or thousands of dollars out of pocket is a blessing. that same insurance covered all but $12 or so of the medicine i was prescribed for this stupid cough (can you tell i'm beyond over this? ugh).
the whole insurance thing has been on my mind because it's almost been a whole entire year since i had surgery. i know - i can barely believe it myself. it feels like just yesterday when i was having all of the anxiety about the surgery and staying in the hospital overnight (not gonna lie, typing that just now made me shudder, so you know the phobia is real and just typing it again some 11 hours later still creeps me out, btw), but here we are.
i am, of course, incredibly grateful to have access to quality health care, both of the physical and mental varieties, without having to worry too much about how i'm going to pay for it. i'm also thankful for having sick time that allowed me to stay home and recuperate last year after surgery, and that same sick time came in handy this time last week when i realized that yes, i needed to stay home and attempt to rest. who knew i'd end up having 6 nosebleeds on friday, or that i'd lose my voice for 3-4 days, or that i'd come down with a migraine late sunday/early monday after i'd already taken a benadryl for the night and couldn't take a migraine pill and then had all of the migraine-induced nausea, or that this annoying cough would become the bane of my fucking existence? seriously. only i would end up with bronchitis (and a possible sinus infection! woo!) after what appeared to be a regular cold.
i'm also grateful to quasi-landlord, who, after returning home from her louisiana vacation last night, took one look at me and made me a mug of mint tea, even though i'm quite honestly sick of drinking tea and am ready to take a break from hot toddy time. she also brought back pralines and caramels for me, which was awesome because i'd meant to ask her about possible praline souvenirs, but i was too busy having laryngitis and attempting to have a social life because i'd already paid for tickets to things and therefore staying home all weekend was not an option. you should've seen my face last night when quasi-landlord broke out that box of pralines for me. actually, no, you shouldn't have. my cheeks are still kinda blotchy from the migraine-induced nausea, plus my nose is in full rudolph mode, and my hair has basically taken the week off from even pretending to be cooperative when i try to style it. dead sexy, let me tell you.
i'm going to a talk/networking thing at work later this afternoon. i still have a strong aversion to formal networking, mind you, but the talk is being given by one of the highest ranking black women at the firm. i'm still not feeling 100%, but i felt like this was important enough to drag myself into the office. i think that sometimes, it's helpful to see what's possible, even if it's not something i actually want for myself. bonus if #blackgirlmagic is involved somehow. (so glad i sucked it up and went. she said some things that i needed to hear and i swear the universe just knows sometimes.)
i kinda feel like a fraud, though. i was trying to figure out what to wear to work today and even this button-down shirt and these pants scream "trying too hard" to me, despite the fact that it's an outfit i've worn countless times before. i obviously want to be a bit more presentable than usual since i'm going to this shindig, but...i don't know. y'know how sometimes you see folks in full business attire and they just project this sense of "yes, i am a major player in whatever business this is" and you just want to sit in the corner and nurse your drink until it's socially acceptable for you to sneak out without saying anything to anyone? no? just me? dammit.
yes, i know i have lots to offer professionally - i've been working for more than 20 years and i know enough to know that there's so much more that i don't know - but sometimes it still feels as if i have nothing to contribute. not because i don't like my job, because i do actually enjoy what i do most days even if some of the folks i work with drive me up the fucking wall, but because i feel as if i'm not supposed to be (t)here. like i snuck in somehow and at any moment, my cover will be blown and i'll be marched out.
given the thoroughness of the background check that was performed before this job was officially offered to me, there's little to no chance of that actually happening in real life, but it still bugs me. y'all know me. i rarely if ever play myself small. i think i've been referring to myself as queeneulalia or queen of the universe or some permutation thereof since college, so clearly i'm about that "let's dream big!" life.
and yet.
i told myself when i took this job that i would at least try to go to some of these networking events even though i'd much rather be doing hoodrat things with my friends, and if i didn't know or recognize anyone at the event, that i would stay for at least one drink or 15 minutes into the networking part of things. yes, i know the whole point of networking is to make new connections and all that shit, but fuck that. a bitch doesn't really like people like that on most days and i could be at the bar or on my way home or reading a book or eating tacos or whatever instead of sipping questionable red wine and possibly nibbling on cheese and crackers or crudites and making small talk or outwardly feigning interest in whatever's being discussed while trying to figure out how soon i can get back down to my desk to pack up and call it a day. i'm already doing the math in my head - if the networking part starts at 5, i can maybe call it a day at 5:20 at the latest, assuming that i'm able to grab a drink right at 5 or shortly thereafter, and assuming i don't run into anyone i know or feel the need to stay longer. i am also keeping in mind that a coughing fit may strike at any time, despite my meds, and therefore i may have to unfortunately excuse myself when the talk concludes. (i totally left after the talk concluded. i wound up sitting next to another black woman who works on the same floor as i do, so we both agreed that going back to our desks and wrapping things up was the better use of our time. she did introduce me to someone that she knew, though, so i did actually meet one new person. that totally counts. 😀)
yes, i'm serious. yes, i know it's not really that serious in the whole scheme of things but yes, it is that serious to me. don't knock the coping mechanism until you've tried it...and even then, you shouldn't knock it. just because it doesn't suit you doesn't mean that it won't be great for someone else. 💜
Sunday, April 16, 2017
on: the lord's prayer
*blows dust off of blog login credentials*
o hai hey hello wassup y'all? 👋
i took a lyft home from the bar tonight, as i do almost every sunday evening. yes, i went to the bar on easter sunday. #sundayfunday is part of my routine and since my therapist said that going out is good for my self-care, i see no reason to deviate from this.
so i'm riding along in my lyft (with a quiet driver, black jesus be praised) and all of a sudden, the lord's prayer pops into my head. not just the "standard" version that you may have been taught at church and/or can still recite from memory. i mean more like this.
i've not sang in a church choir on a regular basis since 1994, and yet i found myself softly humming this version for the rest of my ride home. if you think my falsetto during karaoke is ridiculous, you should've heard me in high school. some of my fellow sopranos and i would grab on to each other or hold hands to help each other reach for those high notes. there was a reunion concert at 1st c. back in late january and during rehearsal, some of us found ourselves falling right back into that same habit of holding on to each other so we could try to hit those seemingly impossible notes.
i wish i could tell you how or why this song came to me. my ride wasn't particular arduous and i don't recall anything else happening along the way that would've necessitated a prayer or otherwise going to church as the case may be. maybe i was just feeling a bit nostalgic since i didn't go to church today. maybe i was thinking about recent events in cleveland and other places and the ongoing fubar-ness that is the current administration and the universe decided this was a song i needed to revisit for the first time in god only knows how long.
may we all feel that our prayers and/or the desires of our hearts be received and understood, even if they do not immediately come to pass. amen.
o hai hey hello wassup y'all? 👋
i took a lyft home from the bar tonight, as i do almost every sunday evening. yes, i went to the bar on easter sunday. #sundayfunday is part of my routine and since my therapist said that going out is good for my self-care, i see no reason to deviate from this.
so i'm riding along in my lyft (with a quiet driver, black jesus be praised) and all of a sudden, the lord's prayer pops into my head. not just the "standard" version that you may have been taught at church and/or can still recite from memory. i mean more like this.
i've not sang in a church choir on a regular basis since 1994, and yet i found myself softly humming this version for the rest of my ride home. if you think my falsetto during karaoke is ridiculous, you should've heard me in high school. some of my fellow sopranos and i would grab on to each other or hold hands to help each other reach for those high notes. there was a reunion concert at 1st c. back in late january and during rehearsal, some of us found ourselves falling right back into that same habit of holding on to each other so we could try to hit those seemingly impossible notes.
i wish i could tell you how or why this song came to me. my ride wasn't particular arduous and i don't recall anything else happening along the way that would've necessitated a prayer or otherwise going to church as the case may be. maybe i was just feeling a bit nostalgic since i didn't go to church today. maybe i was thinking about recent events in cleveland and other places and the ongoing fubar-ness that is the current administration and the universe decided this was a song i needed to revisit for the first time in god only knows how long.
may we all feel that our prayers and/or the desires of our hearts be received and understood, even if they do not immediately come to pass. amen.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
on: trying not to burnout
a group of us went to dinner last week to celebrate quasi-landlord's birthday. as we got settled, the conversation turned to politics, as i suppose it tends to do during times like these. i asked if we could all agree that we disagree with the current administration and leave it at that, so that we could talk about other things and not get ourselves worked up. that was successful for about 15 minutes, so i asked again. one of quasi-landlord's friends realized that i was quite sincere about this and thankfully steered the conversation to another topic.
the tv in quasi-landlord's room is tuned to msnbc as i write this. at least once a week, i have to remind her that we have a variety of channels to choose from and if something or someone on msnbc is getting her worked up, then she should change the channel. i think this is easier for me to say because it's been months since i've actively watched msnbc for longer than, say, half an hour at a time.
it's not that i don't understand why so many people are so consumed with everything that's going on. i get it. i'm as scared and asangry livid, really as anyone else that stands in opposition to the current administration. i also know that giving into that fear and letting it take over my life is the absolute last thing i need. self-care is a necessity for all of us. i found myself nodding in agreement when this crossed my twitter feed last week because i do a few of these things already. i've also been using this activism checklist as a way to help me hone in on things i can do each week. i can't always get away from my desk to make calls, so i turn some of those scripts into emails for elected officials instead.
we're all being bombarded, and for some of y'all, this may be the first time you've felt this stressed out and hopeless and confused, and that's ok. what i need for all of us to remember is that this shit right here is not the end. we may need to find new and different and creative ways to unplug as needed. hell, we may need to get to the point where we can even identify the fact that we need to take a break. i'm pretty sure that the world won't stop turning if i take some time to read or listen to music or watch tv or hang out with friends without focusing our discussions on politics. (you can always ask me about northwestern men's basketball instead. this is the year, people!) the work will still be there. i promise.
do what you can, when you can, where you can, and hopefully we'll all get through this thing called life one way or another.
the tv in quasi-landlord's room is tuned to msnbc as i write this. at least once a week, i have to remind her that we have a variety of channels to choose from and if something or someone on msnbc is getting her worked up, then she should change the channel. i think this is easier for me to say because it's been months since i've actively watched msnbc for longer than, say, half an hour at a time.
it's not that i don't understand why so many people are so consumed with everything that's going on. i get it. i'm as scared and as
we're all being bombarded, and for some of y'all, this may be the first time you've felt this stressed out and hopeless and confused, and that's ok. what i need for all of us to remember is that this shit right here is not the end. we may need to find new and different and creative ways to unplug as needed. hell, we may need to get to the point where we can even identify the fact that we need to take a break. i'm pretty sure that the world won't stop turning if i take some time to read or listen to music or watch tv or hang out with friends without focusing our discussions on politics. (you can always ask me about northwestern men's basketball instead. this is the year, people!) the work will still be there. i promise.
do what you can, when you can, where you can, and hopefully we'll all get through this thing called life one way or another.
Monday, January 23, 2017
recipe review: skillet pork tenderloin with mustard and smoked paprika
you ever come across a recipe that's so simple that you're kinda upset that you didn't come up with it first? after that moment passes, you realize that you have almost all of the ingredients and so you might as well try it out.
that was me this weekend with this recipe. i saw it in a magazine friday night, added pork tenderloin to my shopping list for saturday afternoon, and made it yesterday. i probably could've let the pork brown a little longer, and it probably could've stayed in the oven for a few more minutes, but otherwise i'm happy. i used smoked sweet paprika, which worked because i'm sure the combo of the dijon mustard and hot smoked paprika might've been too much for me.
i'm currently wishing i'd baked some sweet potatoes or made sweet potato fries or something to go along with it, but this is a good problem to have.
that was me this weekend with this recipe. i saw it in a magazine friday night, added pork tenderloin to my shopping list for saturday afternoon, and made it yesterday. i probably could've let the pork brown a little longer, and it probably could've stayed in the oven for a few more minutes, but otherwise i'm happy. i used smoked sweet paprika, which worked because i'm sure the combo of the dijon mustard and hot smoked paprika might've been too much for me.
i'm currently wishing i'd baked some sweet potatoes or made sweet potato fries or something to go along with it, but this is a good problem to have.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
on: feeling isolated while surrounded
talked to carol today. there's all kinds of drama going on, some of which i alluded to on twitter, and i can tell it's taking its toll on her. she's been thrust into the role of caregiver again, this time for her father (and our pastor), and she told me how she feels like no one really understands what that's like for her, especially knowing that barring a miracle, there will be no recovery for her father. i understand it to a certain extent, having lost countless loved ones, but i don't even want to pretend to know what it would feel like to potentially lose both your husband and your father in a span of less than 10 years.
carol's like me in a lot of ways, and not just because we were born in december. we're both way too stubborn for our own good sometimes. we know friends and family would do their best to help out if we could articulate what we wanted/needed instead of just saying that we're tired. sometimes we believe that it's just easier to shoulder the weight and do it ourselves and worry about the consequences later. way deep down, we know that this isn't healthy, but we've so conditioned ourselves that this is the way it has to be that it's difficult to break that habit.
at one point during our conversation, carol mentioned that she'd called a family friend of ours to be potential backup in case some of the aforementioned drama gets even uglier. i had to laugh because i was already mentally writing a text to a friend on how i might need them to be ready to show up at a moment's notice due to said drama. then i had to pause because i heard a hint of loneliness in carol's voice and i knew better than to call her on it in that moment.
that's another thing we have in common. we can be surrounded by people we know and love and still feel like we're utterly alone. y'all know that this is something i've battled and am continuing to attempt to work through.
then i started thinking about jordan hankins. i didn't know jordan personally, but i can see the similarities in our stories. being a black woman at northwestern is not easy. i knew a fair number of black athletes while i was there and one of their constant complaints was feeling isolated from the rest of the black community on campus. knowing what i do about current campus conditions, my guess is that not much has changed. let me be clear in that i do not and would not dare to claim to know what jordan was going through. i would submit that it is possible, though, that she felt a sense of isolation even while being surrounded by teammates and friends and family. i hope her spirit is at rest now, and that those who knew her and loved her are able to find some peace.
carol's like me in a lot of ways, and not just because we were born in december. we're both way too stubborn for our own good sometimes. we know friends and family would do their best to help out if we could articulate what we wanted/needed instead of just saying that we're tired. sometimes we believe that it's just easier to shoulder the weight and do it ourselves and worry about the consequences later. way deep down, we know that this isn't healthy, but we've so conditioned ourselves that this is the way it has to be that it's difficult to break that habit.
at one point during our conversation, carol mentioned that she'd called a family friend of ours to be potential backup in case some of the aforementioned drama gets even uglier. i had to laugh because i was already mentally writing a text to a friend on how i might need them to be ready to show up at a moment's notice due to said drama. then i had to pause because i heard a hint of loneliness in carol's voice and i knew better than to call her on it in that moment.
that's another thing we have in common. we can be surrounded by people we know and love and still feel like we're utterly alone. y'all know that this is something i've battled and am continuing to attempt to work through.
then i started thinking about jordan hankins. i didn't know jordan personally, but i can see the similarities in our stories. being a black woman at northwestern is not easy. i knew a fair number of black athletes while i was there and one of their constant complaints was feeling isolated from the rest of the black community on campus. knowing what i do about current campus conditions, my guess is that not much has changed. let me be clear in that i do not and would not dare to claim to know what jordan was going through. i would submit that it is possible, though, that she felt a sense of isolation even while being surrounded by teammates and friends and family. i hope her spirit is at rest now, and that those who knew her and loved her are able to find some peace.
Monday, January 02, 2017
recipe review: greens, cannellini beans, and andouille sausage pan stew
i tore this recipe out of a magazine recently and knew i could adapt it for new year's day collard greens & black-eyed peas purposes. if you're in chicago, you should be able to find amylu chicken andouille sausage at jewel and/or whole foods - i've seen them at both stores. instead of cannellini beans, i used a can of black-eyed peas that i drained and rinsed. i used 2 teaspoons of dried thyme instead of fresh thyme, used apple cider vinegar instead of balsamic because that's what i had. i wish i could tell you how many collards i wound up with, but i didn't measure them. i also added a bit of salt at the end. oh, and i used 2 large garlic cloves along with 2 teeny tiny cloves of garlic.
obviously, i had to adjust the cooking time since i was using collard greens instead of kale. i'd say they cooked for about 30-40 minutes or so, with me checking for doneness every 10-15 minutes. i didn't reduce the broth by half - more like a quarter or so. if/when i make this again, i'd slice the onions into smaller pieces and maybe ease up on the cider vinegar a bit.
obviously, i had to adjust the cooking time since i was using collard greens instead of kale. i'd say they cooked for about 30-40 minutes or so, with me checking for doneness every 10-15 minutes. i didn't reduce the broth by half - more like a quarter or so. if/when i make this again, i'd slice the onions into smaller pieces and maybe ease up on the cider vinegar a bit.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
on: light and miracles
a dear friend of quasi-landlord's (and mine, by extension) joined us for christmas dinner. i'd not seen him in months, and we were all looking forward to being together and catching up. in addition to his famous potatoes with chorizo (which i absolutely love even though i can never get them right whenever i try to make them myself), he brought a mexican hot chocolate torte (nom nom nom) and presents for all of us, which was completely unnecessary and yet totally thoughtful. the message of the card he included has stuck with me, so much so that i'm leaving said card on the windowsill near my bed so i can see it easily.
front of card:
"The light of Chanukah
reminds us to have faith
that miracles are on their way."
inside of card:
"Wishing you
a wonderful Chanukah
and every blessing
always."
his handwritten message:
"I know you're not
Jewish. But I
like the message of
this card. Even
in our darkest days
light will guide
our way!"
he's not jewish, either.
i was unable to tell him just how much this meant, especially in that particular moment, so i just leaned over and gave him a hug. score one for the universe.
i haven't made any sort of resolutions or intentions for 2017, but i think this is something that i wish for all of us, self included, in the coming year - that we be reminded of the power of miracles and that light will continue to guide our ways.
merry new year, y'all. here's to a fucking outstanding 2017 because holy shit do we deserve it. i love you.😘
front of card:
"The light of Chanukah
reminds us to have faith
that miracles are on their way."
inside of card:
"Wishing you
a wonderful Chanukah
and every blessing
always."
his handwritten message:
"I know you're not
Jewish. But I
like the message of
this card. Even
in our darkest days
light will guide
our way!"
he's not jewish, either.
i was unable to tell him just how much this meant, especially in that particular moment, so i just leaned over and gave him a hug. score one for the universe.
i haven't made any sort of resolutions or intentions for 2017, but i think this is something that i wish for all of us, self included, in the coming year - that we be reminded of the power of miracles and that light will continue to guide our ways.
merry new year, y'all. here's to a fucking outstanding 2017 because holy shit do we deserve it. i love you.😘
Thursday, December 29, 2016
recipe review: barbecue fries
[thank you for all of your concern re: my last post. i've been sick (as in physically ill) off and on this week, but i'm slowly and surely approaching something resembling normalcy. my high-risk breast cancer assessment has been moved to late january instead of march, so yay for that. i made some more headway on researching therapists, but the practice i'm most interested in at the moment doesn't currently have any therapists that will accept my insurance, so i will revisit that in a few weeks to see what's what. i love y'all to the moon and back. and now, the aforementioned recipe review.]
quasi-landlord's other tenant had about 4-5 leftover russet potatoes that she gifted to me. normally, i would just make a batch of mashed potatoes and be #fatgirlhappy, but i didn't really want mashed potatoes this time around. (as if we needed further proof that i haven't been myself lately, right?)
i was already digging through my recipe files looking for greens & black-eyed peas inspiration for the new year and came across this recipe for barbecue fries. it's so easy that i can't believe i haven't tried it before. lord only knows what i was waiting on.
i used a 1/2 teaspoon of tabasco sauce and, though listed as optional, added both the paprika and the cumin. there were 2 different bottles of bbq sauce in the fridge, so i used 3 tablespoons of each. quasi-landlord's oven tends to set off the smoke detector at high temps, so i baked the fries at 425° for about 35 minutes, turning them over after 20 minutes or so.
if i make this again, i'd cut the olive oil down to 4 tablespoons and skip oiling the baking sheet. i wanted crispier fries and i think there was too much moisture for them to cook up the way i really wanted them to. i have no idea if there's any sour cream in the fridge and since i was having these as part of my pork chop and leftover green beans dinner, i didn't really care that much about having a dipping sauce. part of me wants to make some scrambled eggs and have these fries on the side. obviously they'd go well with a burger or a steak or some other meaty main dish. ooh, maybe i'll make these again, use fewer potatoes, and throw in some broccoli. that could be delicious.
quasi-landlord's other tenant had about 4-5 leftover russet potatoes that she gifted to me. normally, i would just make a batch of mashed potatoes and be #fatgirlhappy, but i didn't really want mashed potatoes this time around. (as if we needed further proof that i haven't been myself lately, right?)
i was already digging through my recipe files looking for greens & black-eyed peas inspiration for the new year and came across this recipe for barbecue fries. it's so easy that i can't believe i haven't tried it before. lord only knows what i was waiting on.
i used a 1/2 teaspoon of tabasco sauce and, though listed as optional, added both the paprika and the cumin. there were 2 different bottles of bbq sauce in the fridge, so i used 3 tablespoons of each. quasi-landlord's oven tends to set off the smoke detector at high temps, so i baked the fries at 425° for about 35 minutes, turning them over after 20 minutes or so.
if i make this again, i'd cut the olive oil down to 4 tablespoons and skip oiling the baking sheet. i wanted crispier fries and i think there was too much moisture for them to cook up the way i really wanted them to. i have no idea if there's any sour cream in the fridge and since i was having these as part of my pork chop and leftover green beans dinner, i didn't really care that much about having a dipping sauce. part of me wants to make some scrambled eggs and have these fries on the side. obviously they'd go well with a burger or a steak or some other meaty main dish. ooh, maybe i'll make these again, use fewer potatoes, and throw in some broccoli. that could be delicious.
Friday, December 23, 2016
adulting with/through anxiety: a week in review
sunday. you get belated birthday greetings via text from your niece, her mother, and carol. you do not hear from your brothers, and you know at least one of them will hold forth during christmas dinner about how they never see you and how you're too good to come all the way out there to hang out with them, oblivious to the fact that he's an asshole and you have way better things to do with your time. you cry yourself to sleep because you start thinking about all the things you need to do during the coming week and you're missing james because at least he remembered your birthday every year and you don't ask your family for much - for anything, really - but would it really do your brothers any harm to remember their baby sister's birthday, especially since it's a milestone year? your brother's ex-wife remembered, albeit late, but come on.
monday. thankfully quasi-landlord has reminded you that the house is full because her european folks are staying for a few days. you love them dearly, but you hate the chaos, specifically the clutter and noise, that happens when they're here. all of the clutter and noise and you've been off work for a few days and are thinking about what you need to do to hit the ground running when you return but you can't really think because clutter and noise and noise and clutter and it's making your teeth itch. you're frustrated because you were "supposed" to be back in your own place by now but prospective landlords see that eviction on your record and laugh all the way to the bank with your application fee in hand and who gives a damn if you have a job that's paying you the most you've made in your working life to date and who the hell were you kidding by having ambitions and shit? how dare you dream...not even big, really. medium? it was all a medium-sized dream and you are furious with yourself for falling short on one of your major goals for 2016 but it doesn't matter because this year has been trash anyway so fuck it.
tuesday. back at work. you find out that someone you worked with on a project right before your birthday break tried to throw you under the bus even though they'd blown every deadline you'd set for said project and since they're local, you resist the urge to go find their desk and punch them in the face. you didn't sleep well and you just wanna go home and relax, but quasi-landlord's houseguests are still around and so you make dinner and get into your pajamas in record time and hang out in your room most of the night curled up with your "this is fine" plush dog. you also make an appointment for your first mammogram because it's part of your post-physical homework. you try not to freak out about said mammogram because your self-exams have yielded nothing and your doctor's yearly exams have yielded nothing, but to no avail.
wednesday. bathroom break at 4:30am. you finally start dozing off 15 minutes later, but then your brain decides to have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS EVER and sleep is like "oh, you didn't really wanna hang? kthxbai." you have no idea when you actually go back to sleep, but you wake up in a panic thinking that you've overslept and in reality, your alarm is a minute away from going off. you're not sure how much sleep you actually got and you consider not leaving the house at all and just working from home, but the houseguests are still here and there will be no quiet, only clutter and noise. if you have to leave the house to go to starbucks or somewhere else with wifi so you can work, you may as well go into the office. you are not happy about this. your boss assigns you a new project and you complain and whine about it for 10 minutes, as you do with every new project. your heart's not really in it, though, because who really gives a shit about this project or anything else? you play phone tag with the high-risk breast cancer center people, again based on your post-physical homework. nothing is wrong, but just making that call fills you with blech. you also spend a good hour researching therapists (yup, also part of your homework) that you can't bring yourself to call to confirm insurance acceptance because you've hit the wall. you go to the library after work and not even talking with a former co-worker about how glad she is to be in a new place after the fire in her apartment building boosts your mood, although you are genuinely happy for her because you could feel the stress in her texts to you about the situation. you stop by the bar for a round and it is actually quieter there than home, so you sit for a beer and a shot and finish reading the book in your purse. you make a mental note that this is the first alcohol you've had since sunday night and your doctor would be proud because she wants you to cut back to 1 alcoholic drink every 24 hours, but since that's not in the written post-visit homework you decide you don't really need to follow that one all that strictly. you go home, you warm up some dinner and eat while standing up in the kitchen because the houseguests have taken over the dining room and you just cannot deal with the clutter and noise. but they're leaving the next day so you stay in the kitchen and help clean up even though you didn't actually consume any of the food that was cooked for that dinner but kitchen duty usually helps settle your mind because you're able to zone out, but not this time. a wonder that no dishes were dropped and you didn't injure yourself.
thursday. o hai, crying in the shower. you are feeling 17 kinds of hopeless and nothing is making any sense but you go to work anyway. you make some progress on your new project because this is what is expected of you, even though your boss is out for the day and you really could just look busy and be done with it. quasi-landlord texts you while you're heading home because she wants to go to honey butter, and you agree even though you do not have the energy to carry on a conversation. you also realize that you are having a really shitty week and hey, you should probably text or email a friend because you promised after last year that you would be better about vocalizing when you weren't doing well, but the way your anxiety is set up, you put your phone down because everyone has their own shit and honestly, no one gives a good goddamn about your feelings so you may as well just stfu and deal with it. you are tired of powering through, though. you know something's wrong because this is usually your favorite time of year but there is no joy in your heart.
friday. a teammate suggested mimosas the other day and the two of you convinced your boss that this is a thing that should happen today. day drinking is one of your favorite things, so that, combined with the fact that said mimosas will happen at work, should have you skipping down the halls. it doesn't. you finally make contact with the high-risk breast cancer assessment people and you have an appointment scheduled in march, which makes you laugh because your mammogram is 2 weeks from today and you know in your gut that everything is fine but holy nervousness, batman. you look at your phone again because really, you should text someone, but that voice in your head reminds you that it's pointless and you're worthless and no one gives a shit, and you don't have the energy to deal with it at that moment because you're at work and you need to focus on not falling apart there. you're successful in that quest until you're doing laundry later, when the urge to do something harmful to yourself hits you so quickly and so forcefully that you double over for a second. once you're able to breathe normally, you realize that this is a very bad idea for myriad reasons, not least of which is because quasi-landord does not need to come home and find you passed out (or worse) in the basement. you've been pondering a blog post off and on all week, so you commit to writing this one. that oh-so-lovely voice comes back to tell you that no one is going to read this, but you're ok with that because the shit has to get off of your chest and you're stable enough to know that you are not going to harm yourself because you have some things to look forward to, like the bottle of klinker brick rosé that you forgot you had but you're totally going to drink while watching the bears game tomorrow, and jesusjack, and christmas day itself, and seeing "fences" with quasi-landlord on monday, and you remind yourself to keep trying because you really did promise yourself and everyone else after last year, but holy hell the anxiety has done a number on you this week. you're always cold, no matter how many layers you're wearing, and you're still hungry after meals regardless of how much or how little you actually consume. you are thankful for your stash of chocolate.
monday. thankfully quasi-landlord has reminded you that the house is full because her european folks are staying for a few days. you love them dearly, but you hate the chaos, specifically the clutter and noise, that happens when they're here. all of the clutter and noise and you've been off work for a few days and are thinking about what you need to do to hit the ground running when you return but you can't really think because clutter and noise and noise and clutter and it's making your teeth itch. you're frustrated because you were "supposed" to be back in your own place by now but prospective landlords see that eviction on your record and laugh all the way to the bank with your application fee in hand and who gives a damn if you have a job that's paying you the most you've made in your working life to date and who the hell were you kidding by having ambitions and shit? how dare you dream...not even big, really. medium? it was all a medium-sized dream and you are furious with yourself for falling short on one of your major goals for 2016 but it doesn't matter because this year has been trash anyway so fuck it.
tuesday. back at work. you find out that someone you worked with on a project right before your birthday break tried to throw you under the bus even though they'd blown every deadline you'd set for said project and since they're local, you resist the urge to go find their desk and punch them in the face. you didn't sleep well and you just wanna go home and relax, but quasi-landlord's houseguests are still around and so you make dinner and get into your pajamas in record time and hang out in your room most of the night curled up with your "this is fine" plush dog. you also make an appointment for your first mammogram because it's part of your post-physical homework. you try not to freak out about said mammogram because your self-exams have yielded nothing and your doctor's yearly exams have yielded nothing, but to no avail.
wednesday. bathroom break at 4:30am. you finally start dozing off 15 minutes later, but then your brain decides to have ALL OF THE THOUGHTS EVER and sleep is like "oh, you didn't really wanna hang? kthxbai." you have no idea when you actually go back to sleep, but you wake up in a panic thinking that you've overslept and in reality, your alarm is a minute away from going off. you're not sure how much sleep you actually got and you consider not leaving the house at all and just working from home, but the houseguests are still here and there will be no quiet, only clutter and noise. if you have to leave the house to go to starbucks or somewhere else with wifi so you can work, you may as well go into the office. you are not happy about this. your boss assigns you a new project and you complain and whine about it for 10 minutes, as you do with every new project. your heart's not really in it, though, because who really gives a shit about this project or anything else? you play phone tag with the high-risk breast cancer center people, again based on your post-physical homework. nothing is wrong, but just making that call fills you with blech. you also spend a good hour researching therapists (yup, also part of your homework) that you can't bring yourself to call to confirm insurance acceptance because you've hit the wall. you go to the library after work and not even talking with a former co-worker about how glad she is to be in a new place after the fire in her apartment building boosts your mood, although you are genuinely happy for her because you could feel the stress in her texts to you about the situation. you stop by the bar for a round and it is actually quieter there than home, so you sit for a beer and a shot and finish reading the book in your purse. you make a mental note that this is the first alcohol you've had since sunday night and your doctor would be proud because she wants you to cut back to 1 alcoholic drink every 24 hours, but since that's not in the written post-visit homework you decide you don't really need to follow that one all that strictly. you go home, you warm up some dinner and eat while standing up in the kitchen because the houseguests have taken over the dining room and you just cannot deal with the clutter and noise. but they're leaving the next day so you stay in the kitchen and help clean up even though you didn't actually consume any of the food that was cooked for that dinner but kitchen duty usually helps settle your mind because you're able to zone out, but not this time. a wonder that no dishes were dropped and you didn't injure yourself.
thursday. o hai, crying in the shower. you are feeling 17 kinds of hopeless and nothing is making any sense but you go to work anyway. you make some progress on your new project because this is what is expected of you, even though your boss is out for the day and you really could just look busy and be done with it. quasi-landlord texts you while you're heading home because she wants to go to honey butter, and you agree even though you do not have the energy to carry on a conversation. you also realize that you are having a really shitty week and hey, you should probably text or email a friend because you promised after last year that you would be better about vocalizing when you weren't doing well, but the way your anxiety is set up, you put your phone down because everyone has their own shit and honestly, no one gives a good goddamn about your feelings so you may as well just stfu and deal with it. you are tired of powering through, though. you know something's wrong because this is usually your favorite time of year but there is no joy in your heart.
friday. a teammate suggested mimosas the other day and the two of you convinced your boss that this is a thing that should happen today. day drinking is one of your favorite things, so that, combined with the fact that said mimosas will happen at work, should have you skipping down the halls. it doesn't. you finally make contact with the high-risk breast cancer assessment people and you have an appointment scheduled in march, which makes you laugh because your mammogram is 2 weeks from today and you know in your gut that everything is fine but holy nervousness, batman. you look at your phone again because really, you should text someone, but that voice in your head reminds you that it's pointless and you're worthless and no one gives a shit, and you don't have the energy to deal with it at that moment because you're at work and you need to focus on not falling apart there. you're successful in that quest until you're doing laundry later, when the urge to do something harmful to yourself hits you so quickly and so forcefully that you double over for a second. once you're able to breathe normally, you realize that this is a very bad idea for myriad reasons, not least of which is because quasi-landord does not need to come home and find you passed out (or worse) in the basement. you've been pondering a blog post off and on all week, so you commit to writing this one. that oh-so-lovely voice comes back to tell you that no one is going to read this, but you're ok with that because the shit has to get off of your chest and you're stable enough to know that you are not going to harm yourself because you have some things to look forward to, like the bottle of klinker brick rosé that you forgot you had but you're totally going to drink while watching the bears game tomorrow, and jesusjack, and christmas day itself, and seeing "fences" with quasi-landlord on monday, and you remind yourself to keep trying because you really did promise yourself and everyone else after last year, but holy hell the anxiety has done a number on you this week. you're always cold, no matter how many layers you're wearing, and you're still hungry after meals regardless of how much or how little you actually consume. you are thankful for your stash of chocolate.
Tuesday, December 06, 2016
update: #alldecembereverything, 2016 edition
i've decided that this is indeed a thing that will happen on 12/17. stop by for a round or 5 and wish me a happy birthday. https://t.co/A68Fd9nHrZ— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 6, 2016
it is entirely possible that i'll be at @NiseiLounge 2 weeks from tonight accepting as many birthday drinks as i can. you should join me.— lady black (@queeneulalia) December 4, 2016
original #alldecembereverything post is here as a reference.
happy tuesday! 😀
Monday, December 05, 2016
on: not running away
went to church yesterday. saw one of my nearest and dearest play mamas after service. i hadn't seen her in a while so as soon as i was able, i made a beeline over to her so i could say hi. she teased me about showing my face before the end of the year because i didn't want her hunting me down and moving slowly in the streets with her cane. we talked for a few minutes about everything and nothing, as we do. she'd asked if i was going to be back at church before new year's. i said probably not because, well, i probably won't. then she leaned in, grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes, and said something that i've been pondering ever since.
"don't run away. we need you."
in my gut, i knew that she wasn't just referring to my church attendance. it shook me, because no one there knows about what i went through last october, or anything else for that matter, unless they've somehow found this page and/or my twitter feed.
i had to take a second to recover, and then i said that i wasn't going anywhere. i might not be physically present at church, but i wasn't running away. i wasn't going anywhere.
y'know how sometimes you say something out loud and you can practically feel that shit all the way down to your toes? like what you've said is actually taking root somehow? that's kinda how i felt.
maybe i'm susceptible because my birthday's coming up. maybe it's related to my post-election feelings. maybe it's the part of adulting i've really been trying to be better about - the part where i try to show up and be present and embrace the path i'm on.
"i'm not running away. i'm not going anywhere." a friend and i have had ongoing conversations where i remind them that i'm always around for them no matter what, but this felt, and still feels, like a public declaration of sorts. i think i can be ok with this. sometimes we all need reminders that we're needed and that we shouldn't run away. here's hoping the universe sends you the reminder you need and the strength to keep going. amen.
"don't run away. we need you."
in my gut, i knew that she wasn't just referring to my church attendance. it shook me, because no one there knows about what i went through last october, or anything else for that matter, unless they've somehow found this page and/or my twitter feed.
i had to take a second to recover, and then i said that i wasn't going anywhere. i might not be physically present at church, but i wasn't running away. i wasn't going anywhere.
y'know how sometimes you say something out loud and you can practically feel that shit all the way down to your toes? like what you've said is actually taking root somehow? that's kinda how i felt.
maybe i'm susceptible because my birthday's coming up. maybe it's related to my post-election feelings. maybe it's the part of adulting i've really been trying to be better about - the part where i try to show up and be present and embrace the path i'm on.
"i'm not running away. i'm not going anywhere." a friend and i have had ongoing conversations where i remind them that i'm always around for them no matter what, but this felt, and still feels, like a public declaration of sorts. i think i can be ok with this. sometimes we all need reminders that we're needed and that we shouldn't run away. here's hoping the universe sends you the reminder you need and the strength to keep going. amen.
Monday, November 28, 2016
#alldecembereverything, 2016 edition
i will be 40 years old on december 17. this year has been such a clusterfuck that i still don't really know what i'm doing on my actual birthday. if you've known me for a while, you know that this is so not how i tend to roll. usually by this time, i've already sent save-the-date emails, if not actual invites, for various things throughout the month of december, but i don't have my shit all the way together this year. part of it is because i was waiting to see if i'd be moving before my birthday (which, as of this writing, does not look likely, but never say never). another part of me was toying with the idea of throwing some ginormous soiree befitting the milestone occasion, but, y'know, adulting is hard and did i mention that 2016 has been on some bullshit? my energy levels are too low for that right now.
side note - a friend asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i drew a goddamn blank. i am not one of those super altruistic "oh i have so much already you don't need to get me anything" people, but it's been a few days since that question was posed and i still can't point to anything specific that i absolutely would love to have. y'all know me. i like chocolate, and books, and tacos, and shoes, and alcohol, and bacon, and earrings, and music, and food, and monkeys, and handbags, and pandas, and art, and really long sentences. 😏 that said, gift cards for amazon, target, binny's, dsw, starbucks, or other places you think i'd dig are always acceptable. buy a bottle of booze and stick a bow on it if you want. hell, make a card and stick a bow on it. or a pretty shiny ribbon. or a bow and some ribbon. or just buy me a drink or 3 if you see me out and about between now and martin luther king day.
at any rate, here's my current list of celebratory opportunities for december. events that i will definitely be attending will be underlined. things that i'm on the fence about will be in italics. i will update the list as warranted.
saturday, december 3 - brooke and the nice things at untitled. no cover. untitled does have a dress code, though, so check their site for details.
wednesday, december 7 - bourbon women chicago's sip and shop at binny's in lincoln park. tickets are still available as of this writing.
monday, december 12 - christmas movie night at untitled. double feature of "it's a wonderful life" and "a christmas story." free admission.
tuesday, december 13 - chef's table at jerry's in lincoln square, hosted by the local tourist. tickets still available as of this writing.
sometime in mid-december - alternative christmas double feature: mistletoe mayhem at music box. "die hard" and "gremlins." i don't know which date i'm aiming for yet, so if/when i decide, i'll update here accordingly.
saturday, december 17 - holy fucking shit it's my birthday! as i mentioned, no concrete plans as of yet, but i'm sure i will end up somewhere watching some sort of sportsball and drinking some sort of alcohol. will update when i know more.
sunday, december 18 - holy fucking shit it's the day after my birthday! #sundayfunday activities will depend on how hungover or unsober i am from the night before, but it's safe to assume that more sportsball and alcohol will be involved.
saturday, december 24 - no discussions yet, but i'm pretty sure jesusjack will be happening again this year. come to the casino (exact details tbd) and play blackjack and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight. no, i am not making this up. yes, this is an actual thing that happens.
side note - a friend asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i drew a goddamn blank. i am not one of those super altruistic "oh i have so much already you don't need to get me anything" people, but it's been a few days since that question was posed and i still can't point to anything specific that i absolutely would love to have. y'all know me. i like chocolate, and books, and tacos, and shoes, and alcohol, and bacon, and earrings, and music, and food, and monkeys, and handbags, and pandas, and art, and really long sentences. 😏 that said, gift cards for amazon, target, binny's, dsw, starbucks, or other places you think i'd dig are always acceptable. buy a bottle of booze and stick a bow on it if you want. hell, make a card and stick a bow on it. or a pretty shiny ribbon. or a bow and some ribbon. or just buy me a drink or 3 if you see me out and about between now and martin luther king day.
at any rate, here's my current list of celebratory opportunities for december. events that i will definitely be attending will be underlined. things that i'm on the fence about will be in italics. i will update the list as warranted.
saturday, december 3 - brooke and the nice things at untitled. no cover. untitled does have a dress code, though, so check their site for details.
wednesday, december 7 - bourbon women chicago's sip and shop at binny's in lincoln park. tickets are still available as of this writing.
monday, december 12 - christmas movie night at untitled. double feature of "it's a wonderful life" and "a christmas story." free admission.
tuesday, december 13 - chef's table at jerry's in lincoln square, hosted by the local tourist. tickets still available as of this writing.
sometime in mid-december - alternative christmas double feature: mistletoe mayhem at music box. "die hard" and "gremlins." i don't know which date i'm aiming for yet, so if/when i decide, i'll update here accordingly.
saturday, december 17 - holy fucking shit it's my birthday! as i mentioned, no concrete plans as of yet, but i'm sure i will end up somewhere watching some sort of sportsball and drinking some sort of alcohol. will update when i know more.
sunday, december 18 - holy fucking shit it's the day after my birthday! #sundayfunday activities will depend on how hungover or unsober i am from the night before, but it's safe to assume that more sportsball and alcohol will be involved.
saturday, december 24 - no discussions yet, but i'm pretty sure jesusjack will be happening again this year. come to the casino (exact details tbd) and play blackjack and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight. no, i am not making this up. yes, this is an actual thing that happens.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
recipe review: creamy lemon orzo with peas and shrimp
i did not actively seek out this recipe. i was reading the latest issue of cooking light and wala magic, here was something that would use up the remainder of the orzo i had on hand. i had no major objections to any of the ingredients, so i decided to try it out for dinner last night.
i used dried thyme instead of fresh - about one and a half teaspoons. i only used 5 garlic cloves because a couple of them were on the large side. i bought a pound of cooked 26-30 count frozen shrimp that were peeled and deveined, but still had the tails on, so off with the tails and under a bit of cold running water they went. since they were cooked, i added them at the very end with the lemon juice and cream cheese and pepper. oh, and i added a bit of shredded parmesan cheese at the end because cheese is delicious.
remember in my last post how i was feeling all kinds of blah? i bought a tiny bottle of wine so i'd have the 1/3 cup called for in this recipe because i was not committing to opening one of my "good" bottles of wine. once i measured out the 1/3 cup of wine, did i drink the rest? no. did i save it for later? no. i poured it down the drain. i voluntarily poured out (admittedly not the best quality) wine. yeah, i don't know who i am anymore, either.
anyway - i also adjusted the amount of broth because i had a little less than a cup of orzo left. i also let this simmer longer than the 15 minutes called for. i will say that this was a bit less labor-intensive than traditional risotto. i love risotto, but i do not have the patience to make it as much as i'd like. same with lasagna. i am more than happy to outsource that, so to speak, and order it from a restaurant.
i don't know if i'd make this again. i had leftovers of it for lunch today and i think the flavors got to hang out a little bit more, but something was missing. i wonder how boneless skinless chicken thighs would work in addition to or instead of the shrimp (with adjustments to the cooking time, obviously).
i used dried thyme instead of fresh - about one and a half teaspoons. i only used 5 garlic cloves because a couple of them were on the large side. i bought a pound of cooked 26-30 count frozen shrimp that were peeled and deveined, but still had the tails on, so off with the tails and under a bit of cold running water they went. since they were cooked, i added them at the very end with the lemon juice and cream cheese and pepper. oh, and i added a bit of shredded parmesan cheese at the end because cheese is delicious.
remember in my last post how i was feeling all kinds of blah? i bought a tiny bottle of wine so i'd have the 1/3 cup called for in this recipe because i was not committing to opening one of my "good" bottles of wine. once i measured out the 1/3 cup of wine, did i drink the rest? no. did i save it for later? no. i poured it down the drain. i voluntarily poured out (admittedly not the best quality) wine. yeah, i don't know who i am anymore, either.
anyway - i also adjusted the amount of broth because i had a little less than a cup of orzo left. i also let this simmer longer than the 15 minutes called for. i will say that this was a bit less labor-intensive than traditional risotto. i love risotto, but i do not have the patience to make it as much as i'd like. same with lasagna. i am more than happy to outsource that, so to speak, and order it from a restaurant.
i don't know if i'd make this again. i had leftovers of it for lunch today and i think the flavors got to hang out a little bit more, but something was missing. i wonder how boneless skinless chicken thighs would work in addition to or instead of the shrimp (with adjustments to the cooking time, obviously).
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
a case of blah
i signed up to receive occasional emails about potential volunteer opportunities through my job's corporate giving/philanthropy side. the opportunities tend to run the gamut from "sign up for a 10k!" to "let's go paint a classroom!" to "virtual tutoring fever: catch it!" and for whatever reasons, i usually scan them and delete. maybe it's a schedule conflict, or the location doesn't work for me transportation-wise, or i'm just not interested. no big deal.
in going through my work email yesterday, i spotted another volunteer opportunity message. this one involved making cards to give to cancer patients. i have no drawing ability whatsoever, but we all know that #fuckcancer is always active as far as i'm concerned, so i kept reading. the activity was scheduled from 4:30-6pm in the lower level of my office building. there was no requirement to show up for the entire 90 minutes - you could come and go as you saw fit. i went ahead and signed up, figuring that if work got too crazy, i could go downstairs after 4:30 or, if i really needed to stay and power through something, i could skip it altogether.
today was a blah kind of day. i woke up feeling exhausted even though i read for a bit and meditated and went to bed at a decent hour and actually slept for longer than 2 hours at any given point. i briefly considered working from home, but then remembered this volunteer thing and decided to head in. my boss assigned a new project to me and i didn't even bother with my customary whining about how i didn't want any more work on my plate. the blah was real. that feeling persisted all day. bff texted to say hi and ask how things were going and all i could muster was "blah." thankfully she understood.
when my "hey, you have a thing in 15 minutes" reminder popped up in outlook, i was trying to get my projects to a sensible stopping point. i think i finally made it downstairs around 5ish, which is when i'm usually trying to leave work anyway. there were tables set up with colored paper and markers and pens and stickers. the tables were divided by age range and had suggestions of what to say and what not to say depending on the age group.
did i mention the foundation that my job had partnered with focuses on children and young adults with cancer? there were 3 age groups and i figured i could make 1-2 cards for each group and then see where i was in terms of time and creativity.
6 cards and maybe 25 minutes later, i was done. i'd been hoping that the feeling of blah would ease up a bit since i was focusing on something else, but to no avail. i think a lot of us have redoubled our efforts to do what we can where we can in the past week or so, and it's possible that i'd placed unnecessarily high expectations on myself and how fulfilling this would be for me.
please don't misunderstand me here - making the cards was a great low-impact way for me to do something for a cause that is near and dear to my heart and i would do it again with little to no hesitation. and it's not that making these cards made me feel sad or depressed or anything like that, either. it's just that the feeling of blah was way more entrenched than i'd previously given it credit for.
i'm writing this after running a couple of errands and buying ingredients to make yet another orzo recipe (last one for a while, i promise) and now that i've eaten dinner and cleaned up the kitchen and gotten a bit organized for work tomorrow, i'm still feeling a bit, well, blah. i'm going to read for a bit and try to get another halfway decent night's sleep and hopefully this blah will lift at least a little.
thanksgiving is next week and i think we can all use the break. in the meantime, here's hoping everyone is hanging in there as best as you can. 💜
in going through my work email yesterday, i spotted another volunteer opportunity message. this one involved making cards to give to cancer patients. i have no drawing ability whatsoever, but we all know that #fuckcancer is always active as far as i'm concerned, so i kept reading. the activity was scheduled from 4:30-6pm in the lower level of my office building. there was no requirement to show up for the entire 90 minutes - you could come and go as you saw fit. i went ahead and signed up, figuring that if work got too crazy, i could go downstairs after 4:30 or, if i really needed to stay and power through something, i could skip it altogether.
today was a blah kind of day. i woke up feeling exhausted even though i read for a bit and meditated and went to bed at a decent hour and actually slept for longer than 2 hours at any given point. i briefly considered working from home, but then remembered this volunteer thing and decided to head in. my boss assigned a new project to me and i didn't even bother with my customary whining about how i didn't want any more work on my plate. the blah was real. that feeling persisted all day. bff texted to say hi and ask how things were going and all i could muster was "blah." thankfully she understood.
when my "hey, you have a thing in 15 minutes" reminder popped up in outlook, i was trying to get my projects to a sensible stopping point. i think i finally made it downstairs around 5ish, which is when i'm usually trying to leave work anyway. there were tables set up with colored paper and markers and pens and stickers. the tables were divided by age range and had suggestions of what to say and what not to say depending on the age group.
did i mention the foundation that my job had partnered with focuses on children and young adults with cancer? there were 3 age groups and i figured i could make 1-2 cards for each group and then see where i was in terms of time and creativity.
6 cards and maybe 25 minutes later, i was done. i'd been hoping that the feeling of blah would ease up a bit since i was focusing on something else, but to no avail. i think a lot of us have redoubled our efforts to do what we can where we can in the past week or so, and it's possible that i'd placed unnecessarily high expectations on myself and how fulfilling this would be for me.
please don't misunderstand me here - making the cards was a great low-impact way for me to do something for a cause that is near and dear to my heart and i would do it again with little to no hesitation. and it's not that making these cards made me feel sad or depressed or anything like that, either. it's just that the feeling of blah was way more entrenched than i'd previously given it credit for.
i'm writing this after running a couple of errands and buying ingredients to make yet another orzo recipe (last one for a while, i promise) and now that i've eaten dinner and cleaned up the kitchen and gotten a bit organized for work tomorrow, i'm still feeling a bit, well, blah. i'm going to read for a bit and try to get another halfway decent night's sleep and hopefully this blah will lift at least a little.
thanksgiving is next week and i think we can all use the break. in the meantime, here's hoping everyone is hanging in there as best as you can. 💜
Saturday, November 12, 2016
recipe review: orzo with crispy pancetta and chives (and broccoli!)
sometimes you buy a box of orzo because you need 1/2 cup of it to make soup, and then you find yourself wondering wtf you're going to do with the rest of the box. if you're like me, you start going through other recipes for something that could work. i had friday off (thank you so much for your service, dear veterans) so i knew i'd have time at some point this weekend to do a bit of cooking. i settled on this combination because there's nothing about it that i don't like.
the pancetta i bought was 3 ounces, so i used all of it. the drippings weren't as plentiful as you might think, so i had to keep an eye on the orzo to make sure it didn't take a sharp turn from toasted to burnt. i keep frozen broccoli on hand because costco sells frozen organic broccoli in a package of 4 one-pound bags and it is one of my standbys, so i decided to thaw a bag in the fridge overnight and add it to the orzo right before i added the chicken stock. i think i let the orzo cook for closer to 12 minutes and once again, your mileage may vary depending on how al dente you'd like the orzo to be. i didn't add salt because the pancetta was salty enough for my taste, but i did add some black pepper toward the end.
i had a couple of spoonfuls yesterday after i made it and decided to save it for later, since i knew the apple cider vinegar gave it a bit of tang and i wanted to see if the flavors would mellow out a bit. they didn't, really, so i would probably dial back the vinegar a bit if i made this again. the broccoli was a great addition, imo, and i'm sure you could add green beans or some other vegetable if you wanted a more well-rounded side dish.
the pancetta i bought was 3 ounces, so i used all of it. the drippings weren't as plentiful as you might think, so i had to keep an eye on the orzo to make sure it didn't take a sharp turn from toasted to burnt. i keep frozen broccoli on hand because costco sells frozen organic broccoli in a package of 4 one-pound bags and it is one of my standbys, so i decided to thaw a bag in the fridge overnight and add it to the orzo right before i added the chicken stock. i think i let the orzo cook for closer to 12 minutes and once again, your mileage may vary depending on how al dente you'd like the orzo to be. i didn't add salt because the pancetta was salty enough for my taste, but i did add some black pepper toward the end.
i had a couple of spoonfuls yesterday after i made it and decided to save it for later, since i knew the apple cider vinegar gave it a bit of tang and i wanted to see if the flavors would mellow out a bit. they didn't, really, so i would probably dial back the vinegar a bit if i made this again. the broccoli was a great addition, imo, and i'm sure you could add green beans or some other vegetable if you wanted a more well-rounded side dish.
Saturday, November 05, 2016
recipe review: chicken and vegetable soup
i was home monday night and decided that i was in the mood to make soup. it's possible i was having a nesting moment or something, but i knew i'd be home on friday night and therefore i could make soup.
off to the recipe files i went. i wanted something new to me and this seemed manageable enough. i updated my grocery list accordingly, shopped for said groceries last night, and got ready to cook.
quasi-landlord had some baby carrots in the fridge so i cut up a handful of those, instead of buying a bunch of carrots when i'd only need one. jewel only had "regular" fire-roasted diced tomatoes and not the no-salt-added variety, so that's what i bought. jewel also sells shredded chicken from their leftover rotisserie chickens, so i had both white and dark meat to put in the soup. i used dried thyme instead of fresh and i just eyeballed the amount. i also eyeballed the salt and pepper and adjusted to taste throughout the cooking process. oh, and i also used some yellow and orange bell pepper - we had some in the fridge for salads so in they went. i think i used 2 cloves of garlic and 1 medium-ish yellow onion.
do not follow the direction to let the pasta cook for only 5 minutes. i mean, you can, but you will have crunchy orzo and green beans and that is not good. i think i wound up leaving it on for a good 10-12 minutes or so, checking it every so often for al dente orzo and crisp-tender green beans.
i didn't actually eat any of this last night, but i had a small bowl earlier this evening and i'm happy. there's a container in the freezer that i'm sure i'll use for lunch/dinner when i'm feeling lazy, uninspired, and/or broke.
off to the recipe files i went. i wanted something new to me and this seemed manageable enough. i updated my grocery list accordingly, shopped for said groceries last night, and got ready to cook.
quasi-landlord had some baby carrots in the fridge so i cut up a handful of those, instead of buying a bunch of carrots when i'd only need one. jewel only had "regular" fire-roasted diced tomatoes and not the no-salt-added variety, so that's what i bought. jewel also sells shredded chicken from their leftover rotisserie chickens, so i had both white and dark meat to put in the soup. i used dried thyme instead of fresh and i just eyeballed the amount. i also eyeballed the salt and pepper and adjusted to taste throughout the cooking process. oh, and i also used some yellow and orange bell pepper - we had some in the fridge for salads so in they went. i think i used 2 cloves of garlic and 1 medium-ish yellow onion.
do not follow the direction to let the pasta cook for only 5 minutes. i mean, you can, but you will have crunchy orzo and green beans and that is not good. i think i wound up leaving it on for a good 10-12 minutes or so, checking it every so often for al dente orzo and crisp-tender green beans.
i didn't actually eat any of this last night, but i had a small bowl earlier this evening and i'm happy. there's a container in the freezer that i'm sure i'll use for lunch/dinner when i'm feeling lazy, uninspired, and/or broke.
Monday, October 17, 2016
on: "a little life"
"You won't understand what I mean now, but someday you will: the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are -- not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving -- and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad -- or good -- it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well."almost every book i read, and have read for at least the past 5-6 years, has come from a library. once in a while, i'll come across a book that i really love and will decide to add it to my personal collection. those are usually nonfiction or poetry titles, though.
"a little life" by hanya yanagihara is one of the best novels i've read in a long time. even before i finished it, i knew i'd want to re-read it. i want a copy of my own so i can highlight passages and maybe write some additional blog posts or journal entries about it.
this book made me cry at least twice and there are so many little gems, like the opening passage of this post, that i want to revisit and it is so well-written (in my opinion - obviously your mileage may vary) and i can't stop thinking about it. no, really. it's that good.
i think part of the novel's appeal for me is its focus on friendships and how much of ourselves we give and reveal and conceal and forgive of those we hold near and dear to our hearts. if you've been reading the blog for a while, then you know that this subject is an ongoing area of focus for me. i'm sure that's part of why "a little life" resonated so much with me. the conversations that these characters both on their own and as a collective are conversations that i've had with myself and with other people. how do we maneuver this world without losing ourselves? i don't have the answer to that one, but i'm glad this novel can help explore the question.
Friday, October 07, 2016
on: not expecting reciprocity
(now playing: lauryn hill's "ex-factor")
i was talking with a friend of mine a few nights ago and they asked me why i do the things i do for the people i care about, even when it may be obvious that i won't necessarily receive a similar level of consideration.
my response went something like this: "i don't do things like that because i'm expecting the other party(ies) to reciprocate. i do those things because it's the right thing to do."
i've been mulling that over ever since and it still holds true. something in my spirit or in my gut or some combination thereof will tell me to send that text or write that email or pick up that "just because" gift or send that quickpay or whatever and i am trying to be better about going with that feeling. would it be nice if i got that same kind of consideration in return? absolutely. as i tried to explain to my friend, though, that's not why i do these things.
never mind that the theory of reciprocity basically tells us that yes, we should expect a certain level of behavior or treatment in exchange for how we behave towards or treat others. i think once i started leaning in (and i typed that with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek) to this whole empath/caregiver role, a part of me realized that yes, this will be somewhat thankless work and yes, there would be times when i'd pay any amount of $ i could get my hands on to receive some sort of acknowledgment for it but no, that's not why i'm here. if i had to wait for these things to come back to me in some fashion, i'd never get anything done. i'm not always ok with it, but i accept it.
i saw this earlier and it kinda solidified my position a bit. i don't want to live a life where there are strings attached to my generosity. i need to be able to give of myself without worrying about if/how/when it's going to come back to me. i need to trust the process, which i swear is so much easier said than done. maybe that's part of the ongoing lesson(s) that god/the universe is trying to teach me.
i was talking with a friend of mine a few nights ago and they asked me why i do the things i do for the people i care about, even when it may be obvious that i won't necessarily receive a similar level of consideration.
my response went something like this: "i don't do things like that because i'm expecting the other party(ies) to reciprocate. i do those things because it's the right thing to do."
i've been mulling that over ever since and it still holds true. something in my spirit or in my gut or some combination thereof will tell me to send that text or write that email or pick up that "just because" gift or send that quickpay or whatever and i am trying to be better about going with that feeling. would it be nice if i got that same kind of consideration in return? absolutely. as i tried to explain to my friend, though, that's not why i do these things.
never mind that the theory of reciprocity basically tells us that yes, we should expect a certain level of behavior or treatment in exchange for how we behave towards or treat others. i think once i started leaning in (and i typed that with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek) to this whole empath/caregiver role, a part of me realized that yes, this will be somewhat thankless work and yes, there would be times when i'd pay any amount of $ i could get my hands on to receive some sort of acknowledgment for it but no, that's not why i'm here. if i had to wait for these things to come back to me in some fashion, i'd never get anything done. i'm not always ok with it, but i accept it.
i saw this earlier and it kinda solidified my position a bit. i don't want to live a life where there are strings attached to my generosity. i need to be able to give of myself without worrying about if/how/when it's going to come back to me. i need to trust the process, which i swear is so much easier said than done. maybe that's part of the ongoing lesson(s) that god/the universe is trying to teach me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
of thee i do not sing
(with apologies to langston hughes)
i, too, lip sync america.
they do not send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes.
a table has been prepared for me in the midst of my enemies.
my place is to smile through my wincing as they point to me
as an example of how hard work and resilience can pay off.
would that i didn't need that resilience to get me through each day,
but such subjects aren't discussed when company comes.
they see but won't acknowledge how beautiful i am.
they will praise me for being so articulate
even as they ignore my pleas for them to stop killing us.
i am thetoken symbol of progress
as schools are underfunded or closed altogether
as mental health services fall by the wayside
as community-based initiatives are stretched to the breaking point and then snap
as our demands for more and better jobs and economic equity
are met with "get out of the streets and join the police academy"
as if that has ever solved or will solve society's ills.
they will wonder why i, you, we, us
why we are unsatisfied
after they have "given" us so much
oh, we are far from satisfied
we are not satisfied, nor sated, nor appeased, nor content
we are, to paraphrase miss fannie lou,
beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired
our hands are up
not out
our eyes are open
not shut
our voices are loud
not silent
our hearts are heavy
but still beating
even as you pick us off one by one.
and so i lip sync america.
i kneel or sit or raise a fist and delight in your horror at my "disrespect."
"how dare you? after all we've done?"
how dare i not, after all you're continuing to do?
i, too, lip sync america.
they do not send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes.
a table has been prepared for me in the midst of my enemies.
my place is to smile through my wincing as they point to me
as an example of how hard work and resilience can pay off.
would that i didn't need that resilience to get me through each day,
but such subjects aren't discussed when company comes.
they see but won't acknowledge how beautiful i am.
they will praise me for being so articulate
even as they ignore my pleas for them to stop killing us.
i am the
as schools are underfunded or closed altogether
as mental health services fall by the wayside
as community-based initiatives are stretched to the breaking point and then snap
as our demands for more and better jobs and economic equity
are met with "get out of the streets and join the police academy"
as if that has ever solved or will solve society's ills.
they will wonder why i, you, we, us
why we are unsatisfied
after they have "given" us so much
oh, we are far from satisfied
we are not satisfied, nor sated, nor appeased, nor content
we are, to paraphrase miss fannie lou,
beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired
our hands are up
not out
our eyes are open
not shut
our voices are loud
not silent
our hearts are heavy
but still beating
even as you pick us off one by one.
and so i lip sync america.
i kneel or sit or raise a fist and delight in your horror at my "disrespect."
"how dare you? after all we've done?"
how dare i not, after all you're continuing to do?
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