on: thoughts that go bump in your head in the night

"aren't you afraid of falling in love again?" nope. i have so many other worries that keep me up at night.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) March 24, 2015

it's true, though. falling in love is among the least of my worries at this point. my role as a empath means that i worry about my "family"/tribe/circle/whatever you wanna call the folks i care about the most. are they ok? are their families ok? will the black men i love and hold dear make it home in one piece? what the fuck is it with politicians and police officers and other folks in power that are so fucking hellbent on fucking shit up for people who look like me? the anxiety attacks i have about those things (and myriad others) are real and so not spectacular. sometimes i text/email/tweet certain folks just to make sure that they're still around because they've popped up in my dreams and said dreams were the polar opposite of "sweet."

honestly, any and every day that i manage to make it out of bed is a good day. just living from one day to the next is a courageous act for me. i remember my 17th birthday and being quite ready to say the hell with everything and commit suicide. i also remember a little tiny voice telling me not to give up just yet.

but then there are other not so tiny voices telling me that my life is just one big failure and there's really no point in even trying to improve things, so #minuswell give up. there are days when those voices are LOUD AS ALL HELL and it takes everything i have in me to get out of bed. those are the voices that say that i'm never going to find a full-time job. that i will be stuck living with quasi-landlord forever. that nothing i want to achieve in my life is going to happen. that all of my hard work has been for naught. that daring to be happy is a mistake. that i will exposed as a giant fraud and everyone will desert me and everything will shatter into pieces that i will be unable to put back together. that i will dare to fall in love again and it won't work. that i have been and will be rejected so often and by so many people that i won't know what acceptance looks like anymore.

i get up, though. i get out of bed and i attempt to power through my day knowing that those voices will never shut the entire fuck up. sometimes i can use that self-doubt as motivational fuel - y'know, the whole "oh yeah? well, i'll show you!" thing. sometimes it works. oftentimes it doesn't and i regret getting out of bed in the first place.

this is a big part of why i'm committed to meeting and leaving people where they are. the psychic cost of not facing my demons and of amplifying those negative voices is too great. so, yeah, sometimes i say things that give people pause. sometimes i behave in ways that other folks don't understand or agree with. sometimes i make questionable decisions on purpose. and yes, sometimes i eat and drink my way through things and feelings because adulting is hard. fuck it.

when you see me tweeting about how we're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for and how we'll get through whatever adversity we're currently faced with, please know that i am also talking to myself (and, more specifically, those loud ass voices in my head) in those moments. i know enough to know that i'm not alone in this, which is why i try my damnedest to make sure that i'm there for folks who need me. meeting people where they are. making sure they're ok. supporting and encouraging them. giving myself a break from the continuous cacophony of doubt so i can focus on someone else and maybe, just maybe, we'll all get over the hump.

this is the life i have. this is the path i'm on. i know it's not for everyone and i accept that not everyone will be fellow travelers on the road to wherever the fuck this leads. this is why i'm so incredibly grateful for those of you who are on this journey with me. for the ones who reach out to say "hey, i see you. you're ok." for the ones who don't have to say a word for me to know that they've got my back. i love you.

on: meeting (and leaving) people where they are

as previously stated, i am really trying to commit to meeting people where they are. during the past week or so, though, i've realized that not only can i meet people where they are, but i can also leave them where they are.

i don't mean that in a negative way. it's more of a realization that everyone i meet isn't going to be in my life for the long haul, and that's ok. hell, everyone i meet shouldn't be in my life for the long haul, and that's also ok - hence the leaving people where they are.

i was talking to someone last week who i previously hadn't been in contact with for almost a decade. we were catching up and they asked what my life was like now. i said that at this point, i'm just trying to live my life and be happy and anyone who's willing to join along for the ride is more than welcome, and anyone who isn't willing to support that quest can, quite simply, get the fuck out.

i don't think they were ready for that level of realness, but the journey i'm on at this moment requires nothing else than the best i can dedicate to it, and if that means leaving people where they are and continuing on my merry little way, then so be it.

when knowing the "why" doesn't make it any easier

i have been in a mood for the past, oh, 36 hours or so. bitchy, angry, depressed, sad, emo...whatever you wanna call it, i have probably experienced some variation of it since yesterday afternoon. i tweeted last night that i wanted to call off from work today because i was angry and i hated people and i just wanted to drink and make bad decisions.

i still feel that way to a certain extent, really. i would be more than happy to drink all of the drinks and leave someone else in charge of decision-making. i'm tired of being responsible and i would just like at least one day where i can just sit in relative peace and quiet and do as much or as little as i would like, preferably without pants. i miss having a place of my own where i could be as moody as i want to be and not have to justify it or talk about it or put on a happy mask.

work tonight wasn't terrible, but i still found myself wanting to be snippy when situations didn't really call for it. there have been a few anti-epiphanies floating through my head (part of why i kept waking up every 2-3 hours last night, which was as fun as you think it was) since this mood came on, but they weren't fleshed out enough for me to have a "aha!" moment about them.

it really didn't come to me until work was almost over. i am self-aware enough to know that a part of me is still in denial about lori's death. part of this mood is me dealing with that. the other part of this mood, though, is doing the math and remembering once again why february and march are so difficult for me at times.

the last time i saw my father alive was on his birthday, february 18, 1997. he died less than 2 weeks later. my mother died in march. james died in march. and now i can add lori's death date to the february calendar. this wasn't an "aha!" moment per se, but it damn sure helped me pinpoint why the hell i'm in such a mood. funny thing is, i was pondering booking a massage because holy shit the stress tension is real right now, but then i realized i might start sobbing on the massage table and that would be all kinds of uncomfortable.

instead, i will try to make sense of my thoughts and try to curb the urge to punch people in the face and try to make it through each day without dissolving into a puddle (well, in public, anyway) and we will see what happens. maybe one of these days, i will have a day off from adulting. i swear i would love nothing more than to relinquish my throne for a day and let someone else deal with all of this shit.

on: saying goodbye

hands down, this was the most difficult funeral i've been to since james died. in some ways, james' funeral was easier for me b/c some of y'all were there and troy was there and i knew w/o any doubt that if i faltered or fell, someone would catch me.

february 4. a text from carol asking if i was at home. me saying i was about to leave work and, as the texts progressing, me asking if i needed to call her. i did, and i did, and she told me lori was gone. luckily i was sitting down (and luckily carol asked if i was sitting just in case before she told me) b/c i might've hit the floor.

see, lori was gonna be invincible in my eyes. anyone who'd beaten the medical odds the way she had was bound to outlive us all. lori was the reason i coined the phrase "crazy faith and angry prayers," b/c when she was in the hospital for weeks on end for reasons that couldn't really be explained, i was crazy enough to believe she'd pull through, and angry enough to yell at god and shake my fist in his direction b/c this wasn't how shit was supposed to go down.

but it did, and she survived, and she kept us laughing and on our toes. we all knew she lost her legs, but lori never lost her spirit. her smile. her ability to make us double over at the most inane thing. it's one of the things i loved most about her.

fuck. i just typed "loved" right there and i'm not gonna lie, it kinda hurt.

anyway...from february 4 until this afternoon, i'd done a decent job, imo, of not falling apart. i kept telling myself that i could weep all of the tears at her funeral. that i would be able to say good-bye. that my family, and our church family, could say good-bye. i needed it. we needed it. lori was there to hold me up when daddy died. when james died. i really dislike attending funerals b/c of [reasons], but dammit, i was gonna be there for her and for her family. it was only right.

it wasn't until i was combing my hair while getting ready to head out this afternoon that it hit me. lori was there on my wedding day. she was in that inner sanctum helping me get ready.

and now i had to go to the same church that holds so many wonderful memories for me and say goodbye to my "play" auntie. i put that in quotes b/c really, lori was family. i mean, yeah, we called her "auntie lori," but that was more a term of endearment than any actual establishment of connection. she was there, and then she wasn't, and it is still difficult for me to deal with this. 

apropos of nothing, i found this pic of me & james, also from my wedding day, while i was looking for the above pic. it's one of my favorites. i missed "uncle james" something fierce today. i felt, if not heard him, during the service tonight, which was helpful in moments but totally broke me in others. i can tell y'all this b/c you're removed enough and you won't be broken by it. 

anyway, the picture of me & james: 

and now i need to try to catch up on sleep. i have totes magotes lost my viking status this week.

what a difference a few years can make

throughout today, i have been reminding myself that no matter how horrible the day was, it wouldn't be nearly as bad as things were three years ago.

no, seriously. this was me on valentine's day 2012. the hottest of messes. actually, that's not quite accurate. what's worse than a hot mess? b/c i'm pretty sure that's what i was this time 3 years ago.

today? i went to work and almost everyone on my crew today remembered to bring candy and/or snacks. one of our co-workers really loves valentine's day and we knew it'd mean a lot to her if we celebrated it somehow. it was pretty sweet.

also i have plenty of chocolate on hand, so i don't have to worry about my stash approaching dangerously low levels. which is good, b/c the wind chill is getting ridiculous and i don't wanna go outside until i absolutely have to.

compared to 2012, the fact that i'm back in chicago full-time and have a part-time job still amazes me sometimes. honestly, there were times when i really wasn't sure how i was going to claw my way back. there are still times when i'm not sure how i'm gonna make this all work, but at least i'm in the city i love and in close proximity to my wonderful circle of friends and yes i'm being a bit sappy about it. i'm entitled.

i hope y'all had a great day, or at least a day that didn't completely suck. :-)

on: a week full of feelings

omg you guys it's friday. if friday was an actual person, i might give it a hug or buy it a drink or something. holy christ. i remember being happy that january was over b/c january really was on some fuckshit for a lot of people i know and i was glad to see it go.

monday was lab work at the hospital before work. i schedule these tests right before work so i only have to make one trip up to evanston and not "lose" one of my days off. the problem, though, is that hospitals make me claustrophobic if i'm in one for longer than, say, 2 hours. luckily, i got to the hospital early (on the day after a blizzard, no less) and got in and out before i hit that threshold, but i totally felt myself on the verge of losing my shit. it also helped that i'd built in enough time between my appointment and when i needed to be at work to grab a late lunch and try to regain some semblance of normalcy.

tuesday was pretty productive, actually. i applied for jobs and filed my taxes (yay for making just enough to owe the government $10) and made an appointment to get my hair cut next week (i may or may not be considering cutting a significant amount of my hair, but i'm a wuss and who knows what i'll actually do). i also attempted to re-enroll in a health insurance plan (thank you, president obama!) but my doctor only accepts a plan that i'm not qualified for. at least i have the option of finding out if another doctor in the practice accepts one of my alternative plans.

wednesday. wednesday about broke me. first it was work-related stuff - my schedule might be changing a bit b/c of management [reasons]. then i found out that one of my nearest and dearest family friends died on wednesday. i know enough to know that i am still kind of in shock and/or denial about this news. i don't know when the funeral is yet, but i know i need to go and say my goodbyes and have all the feelings with my family, both of the blood relations and of the church variety. i also found out on wednesday that a bar in my neighborhood is closing and when i went there with a girlfriend wednesday night, the feelings kinda hit me out of nowhere. i realized that a lot of ladybrunches happened there right around the time that my life was going through all of the changes, so that bar was kind of a safe haven of sorts and now it's closing and omg feels.

yesterday my phone decided to stop functioning and verizon was nice enough to offer me an "upgrade" that would cost me more per month for half the data i'm getting now. yeah...no. at least i got my phone to work, thanks to all the experience i had resetting it back in november.

today was pretty solid, though, b/c i won free shoes from dsw. it's nice to be a winner. :-)

so, yeah. all of the feelings this week. at some point i will have some sort of meltdown (more than likely at the funeral) but until then, i'm relying on my ability to compartmentalize and i'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming...:P

quote of the day

courtesy of the book i'm just about done reading:

"And lying on my back just like the girl I've always been, I watch the clouds drift and glow across the roof of the world, becoming newspaper headlines that tell the story of my life, the last one saying, Fuck you, I survive."

that just resonated with me and since it wouldn't fit in a single tweet, i decided to post it here. good night. :-)

on: meeting people where they are (and trying to accept yourself in the process)

one of the things i'm really trying to focus on this year is meeting people where they are. i mean that both in a literal sense and also more figuratively. if i know the only way i'm gonna be able to spend time with someone is by dropping by their job or meeting them for drinks or seeing them at church (in the case of my family, anyway) or whatever, then that's what i'm going to try to do. if i know someone's going through some shit but they just wanna keep things light/superficial and have a few laughs, then that's what we're gonna do when we hang out. you get the gist.

i struggle with this. i really do. as i get older and realize that my propensity for being a empath/caregiver is becoming more and more pronounced, the more convinced i am that i just want the people i love to be safe and happy. it's difficult because so many people i know and love are having issues of various kinds and holy hell do i feel their pain. i'd love to fix things for them but i can't and that leads to more pain and have i mentioned that being an empath is really fucking difficult sometimes? because it is.

i was catching up with a friend earlier this week and i was telling them about this new "mission" of mine, and how it all made sense in my head and how i'm hoping it'll help me be a better friend by letting go of some of my type-a minus tendencies (which is a struggle in and of itself, let me tell you). the conversation moved on to other things, like how i've been thinking about letting go of my "let me get a full-time job and move back into my own place and maybe then i can think about the possibility of dating and (re)establishing a social life, etc." plan and just let whatever happens, happen.

my friend, in their ultimate active listener wisdom, looked at me and said, "you know how you want to meet people where they are? you need to meet yourself where you are, too."

not gonna lie, that kinda stopped me in my tracks for a second. "i know you already know this. it's in your head. you just needed to hear someone you trust to hold up the mirror and say it back to you."

sometimes i hate my friends for being so gotdamn right all the time. :P

it's true, though. i accept that we are all broken in our own myriad ways and as much as i really want y'all to be safe and happy, that's not always possible...hence the meeting people where they are. if i'm really gonna be effective in this whole meeting people where they are, then i need to meet myself wherever the fuck i am, too.

you're not ready for this video.

i wasn't ready for this video when i saw it on twitter earlier this week. i just watched it again for like the 6th or 7th time and i still wasn't ready. i may or may not have shed actual tears of laughter when i first saw it. so, of course, i'm sharing it with y'all b/c i love you and i want you to laugh along with me.

recipe review: spicy rice bake with black eyed peas, collard greens, and sweet potato

yes, yes, black eyed peas for luck and collard greens for money. i started adapting this january 1 tradition a few years ago, when i realized that i either wouldn't be at home on new year's day and if i was at home, i probably wasn't going to want to make a full meal. therefore, i decided that as long as the first real meal i make in the new year involves black eyed peas and collards, i should be ok.

that said, i started going through my recipes last week and none of them were really appealing to me at that moment, so off to google i went for ideas and/or inspiration. this is what i came up with. i was excited b/c it combines greens and black eyed peas and sweet potatoes and i like all of those things.

here's what i did differently - i used brown rice vinegar instead of balsamic b/c quasi-landlord is allergic to balsamic vinegar and damned if i was gonna buy a bottle just for the tablespoon called for in this recipe. i minced 5 garlic cloves (note that this recipe doesn't tell you if you should chop the garlic or mince it or smash it or what) b/c these were some big garlic cloves. quasi-landlord came in as this dish was finishing up and she facetiously asked if i'd used enough garlic. oh, and i only used 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper b/c my tolerance for spicy food is still rather low.

verdict: would make again. my decision to dial back on the cayenne was totally justified, btw. obviously your mileage may vary. i took the dish out of the oven with about 3-5 minutes left on the original 90 minute cook time and the texture was where i wanted it - the peas and the sweet potato were tender and the rice was cooked but not too mushy. there's no serving size on this recipe, but i'd guess you could get at least 6-8 side dish servings out of this. probably 8-10 servings if you're ambitious like that. i'm gonna put some in the freezer for future nommage; we'll see how that turns out.

favorite concerts of 2014

holy shit you guys i went to a lot of great concerts in 2014. i'm gonna recap some of my favorites b/c i haven't finished my "favorite songs of 2014" playlist yet. concerts are listed in chronological order, primarily because i'm taking the coward's way out and not choosing an absolute favorite.

april 11 - sharon jones and the dap-kings at the vic
i'd heard that sharon jones & the dap-kings put on a helluva show, but i didn't learn that for myself until april. holy shitballs this show kinda melted my face. sharon reminded me of a lot of women i know from church, in that she was singing and having fun one minute and then took us to church the next minute. i might have ugly cried during this show. knowing sharon was back on tour after kicking cancer in the throat was just...yeah, i cried during this show. i regret absolutely nothing.

april 18 - mavis staples & regina carter at symphony center
one of my friends wound up joining me for this show. luckily she was sitting behind me so she couldn't see the tears i wept during mavis' set. i love me some auntie mavis, dammit. fight me. i saw auntie mavis (b/c she really is one of my play aunties in my head) on the kennedy center honors last night and damn near wept with joy. i love her that much.

june 3 - frankie knuckles tribute at millennium park
it doesn't take much for me to fall back in love with chicago, especially during the past few years when i wasn't sure if i was gonna make it back here on a full-time basis. that said, this tribute to frankie knuckles was everything i needed it to be - lots of dancing, lots of diversity, all of us vowing to keep loving and living and dancing in spite of everything.

june 7 - the prince experience at untitled
ok, seriously? if the prince experience is in your town and you're a fan of prince and/or morris day and the time and tickets aren't $100 like they are tonight, you should check them out. much dancing. so wow.

august 29 - michael mcdonald and toto at ravinia
that should really sum it up. i wrote about this previously in case you need a refresher.

november 14 - stevie wonder at united center
news about this tour and i immediately adjusted my budget accordingly. so what if i'd seen (ok, heard) stevie wonder for free at the taste? no matter. i needed to be at this show for REASONS, dammit, and i made it happen. so what if my phone bricked the afternoon of the show and i gave myself a migraine while trying to restore my contacts and apps and figuring out my #alphet for the show (for the record, i wore a dress and some knee-high boots, for those who like to play along)? i was there, and it was amazing. i could've done without india.aire and her 5-6 costume changes, but i wasn't there to see india.aire. i was there to see/hear/experience stevie, and it was worth every penny i paid. i managed to keep the ugly cry in check, but damned if it wasn't close there during a few songs.

38

i would post a "this is what 38 looks like" picture, but i'm still in bed and my hair's a mess. also, if you've seen me recently, you pretty much have a clue as to what 38 looks like. not much has changed. :-)

and this is where i quote myself from last year's b-day post:

"today - and really, the whole month of december so far - is about celebrating myself. i'm alive. i'm relatively well. i'm safe. i may not have my own place but i have somewhere to sleep that doesn't involve a shelter or a cta train. i have a part-time job that doesn't completely suck. my friends win all of the awards for being wonderful. i am loved. there is obviously a metric fuck-ton that i can be upset about, and trust me, i am totally upset about a lot of things a lot of the time, but for right now, in this moment? happy."

i stand by all of that. if anything, the list of things i'm upset about has grown (america, fuck yeah?), but i  have so much more to be thankful for, also. like friends who cue up the jukebox with prince, rick james, and stevie wonder and order shots of whiskey right at midnight so i can start my actual birthday off right. i'm thankful for this year's b-day staycation. hell, i'm thankful for the ability to recognize how many things i have to be thankful for. not everyone can do that.

here's to 38 being a spectacular year. i have no idea what's in store, but i'm glad y'all are along for the ride.

happy birthday to me!

on: difficulty with generosity

why is it sometimes so challenging for me to accept generosity from others? (sorta kinda related: why is it so challenging for me to spell "generosity" correctly on the first try? thank god for spell check.)

a friend from college emailed me to say they'd be in town this week for work, and wanted to know if we could hang out one evening. calendars were consulted and a date was made. i asked if my friend wanted something specific for dinner, since they haven't lived here full-time in forever. not really, they said - this was more of a pre-birthday celebration dinner for me anyway, so i could pick the restaurant (within reason, of course).

needless to say that i was excited about this prospect, not only for #alldecembereverything reasons, but also b/c i hadn't seen this friend in a while and we always have fun when we catch up.

and then another friend, who'd already said they were plotting a celebratory surprise of sorts for my b-day, sent me a note with some of the particulars for our outing. i might have done a little dance of joy while i was at work reading my email. ok, i totally did a little dance of joy while i was at work reading that email, but then i remembered i was at work and therefore i should keep the dancing to a minimum.

obviously i have no issues accepting generosity during the month of december and, depending on how my annual celebration plays out, sometimes into january. it's the ordinary (read: non-celebratory) acts of kindness that i have issues accepting at times.

i alluded to this back in october (also i just realized i spelled "engagement" wrong in that title and fixed it before i started writing this, dammit) and i found myself wrestling with it again last night. y'know how some people have trouble accepting compliments? i have trouble occasionally with people being nice to me. it's not that i feel that i'm unworthy of such kindness b/c, as we all know, i love myself to the moon and back and beyond. i think it's more of a residual superwoman complex - deluding myself into thinking i have to do every gotdamn thing myself and then feeling guilty when someone offers to do something that will make me feel better, even if it's fleeting.

i know i'm not the only person who struggles with this, even though the rationale behind it may be completely different. i am trying to be better about this, i swear. i do not want to be that guy picking a fight or starting an argument when someone does me a unsolicited favor.

question of the day

do you know anyone who grew up wanting to be a cop?

i know people who wanted to be teachers, or lawyers (self included), or doctors, or firefighters, or astronauts, or veterinarians, or a slew of other things, but i can't think of anyone who wanted to be a cop.

yes, these are things i think about when i wake up at 4am and can't go back to sleep right away. given recent events, i don't think i can be blamed for this line of questioning. sigh.

#alldecembereverything: the 2014 edition

guess what time it is? no, it's not peanut butter jelly time, but i completely understand if that's your first answer.

it's #alldecembereverything time! yes, ladies and gentlemen, my absolute favorite time of year is here! yes, i know december doesn't start until monday, but since quasi-landlord is taking me out for an early b-day dinner celebration on sunday, i figured i'd might as well post the celebration list in its current form so y'all can pick and choose which (if any) activities you want to participate in.

tuesday, december 2: "porgy and bess" at lyric opera. goldstar has discounted tickets available.

thursday, december 4: bears vs. dallas. thursday night football. #anyonebutdallas. it's entirely possible that i will end up watching this game at home, but on the off chance that a game watch gets organized, i'm putting it out there.

friday, december 5: i'm going to the one of a kind show at merchandise mart. discounted tickets available via goldstar, or you can try to find freebies via some of the participating artists. if you want to go on friday, let me know b/c i have an extra free ticket. first come first serve.

saturday, december 6: karaoke at third coast comics at 7pm-ish. i'll be there after i get off work. byob.

sunday, december 7: sweet honey in the rock at symphony center in the afternoon. also short rib dinner that evening with the fine folks at sunday dinner club. if you want in on the nomz, let me know & i'll forward the details to you.

wednesday, december 10: women employed event with roxane gay. if you haven't read "bad feminist" or "an untamed state" yet, you should do that. both books are amazeballs.

sunday, december 14: ladybrunch at angelina. 11am-ish, depending on when i can get a reservation. you should rsvp if you haven't already. if you didn't get an invite and feel that you should have b/c we're cool like that, please let me know so i can rectify this oversight.

monday, december 15: bears vs. saints monday night football. depending on the weather and my budget and other factors, i will either be at soldier field or at a bar for this game. stay tuned for updates as i get this one figured out.

tuesday, december 16: blackhawks vs. wild. i am hoping against hope that i will be at the united center for this game. if that falls through, i'll likely watch it at burger bar b/c $5 wings on tuesdays are delicious.

wednesday, december 17: happy birthday to me! lunch at primehouse as per my usual, then the david bowie exhibit at the mca (squee!) at 1:30. dinner and/or drinking later that evening tbd.

thursday, january 1: bilal at city winery. i bought discounted tickets via goldstar and you should too, b/c saving money is awesome.

yes, i know that last event isn't in december, but if you know me, then you know that i'm likely to continue this celebration until MLK day, if not longer.

i will try to update this list as events warrant. happy almost #alldecembereverything! :-)

defining and pursuing happiness

i was up late last night watching the end of the blackhawks game (yay!) and the bulls game (boo!) and as midnight struck, my mind started racing just as i started yawning repeatedly. this, of course, meant that it took me some extra time to actually fall asleep b/c i couldn't stop mulling certain thoughts over and i was honestly too lazy to go get my laptop or pull out a notebook and start writing.

luckily, some of those same thoughts were still present when i woke up this morning, so here we are.

i think we all need the occasional reminder that we can not define anyone's happiness. that's not part of my job description as your friend. i can talk with you about how you'd like your own version of happiness to look, but i can't define it for you.

what i can do, though, is help you in the pursuit of your happiness. that is definitely in my job description as your friend. you figure out what makes you happy, you clue me in on it, and off we go in the pursuit of whatever that something or someone is.

like i said earlier this year - i'm all about supporting your dreams and your goals and, yes, the pursuit of your happiness. i may not be able to define that shit for you, but damned if i won't be supportive if/when you figure it out. everyone needs at least one person in their corner who's willing and able to back them up, even if it's just to play cheerleader. go pursue some happiness or at least have fun trying to figure it all out. :-)

a few rules of engagement

pay attention.

use your words.

when someone wants to be nice or do something nice for you, let them.

those sound simple as hell, and yet i find myself constantly reminding myself that these are just a few things i can do to not completely suck as a friend. obviously i do not have all of the answers for "how to be an awesome friend" b/c if i did there would be a book or at least another blog and i'd be making the rounds on the talk show circuit and making all of the monies. :-)

this week, i kept repeating "pay attention" and "use your words" to myself over and over, like a mantra. i will admit that part of it was due to the fact that i needed a few people to, well, pay attention and/or use their words and it wasn't happening the way i wanted it to. also i'm not a mind-reader and i have no idea what some folks are thinking if they don't actually verbalize that shit, but whatever.

letting people do nice things for me (well, outside of my birthday, i guess) should not be as difficult for me as it is. first i feel guilty and then i feel like i'm letting myself down for not doing whatever the nice thing in question is on my own and then the voices in my head just have a field day b/c it's fucking ridiculous to feel this way. so what if quasi-landlord offered to make dinner 2 nights in a row when i was perfectly capable of scrounging up my own sustenance? just say thank you and stfu already, self.

(i totally said that to myself this week, btw.)

pay attention.

use your words.

when someone wants to be nice or do something nice for you, let them.

any other rules for not being a sucktastic friend? please to discuss in the comments.

by all means, please send your finest cheese to go with this whine

(all of the whining and emo in this post, in case the title didn't tip you off already.)

i really didn't want to go to work yesterday. like, at ALL. not because it was monday, or because i thought i'd be walking into a shitshow, but because i just really wanted to sit at home and listen to music and eat and drink my feelings. i talked myself out of taking yesterday off b/c i knew i'd have today to sit at home and wallow in my feels if i so chose.

it was dicey for a while there, though. by the time i got to work, i was emotionally exhausted and felt like the smallest thing could send me over the edge. luckily, i made it home without falling apart. a friend asked how i was doing and all i could say was that i was tired. i couldn't get my shit together enough to articulate the hows and whys of my being tired, which, as i admitted to my friend, was frustrating for both of us - them because they were genuinely concerned about what was up with me, and me because i wasn't in a space where i felt like i could give voice to everything i wanted to say. i'm gonna try to give voice to it now.

here's what i think i know at the moment: i'm fucking exhausted. not physically, but more mentally/spiritually. i'm tired of feeling like all the work i've been putting into building and creating a sustainable life for myself has been for naught. i've been living with quasi-landlord for a little more than a year now and while yes for the love of god and other holy things i am thankful for fuck's sake for having a stable living situation, it's not mine and i'm not satisfied.

that's part of my problem, you see. every time i feel like i want to express this frustration, there's a voice in my head telling me to stfu and be thankful for where i am. i AM thankful, as most of y'all can attest if you've been paying attention. my #attitudeofgratitude has been well documented.

and then there's another voice in my head saying that i should just be ok with what i have and be done with it. to stop working so damn hard and accept what i see as a temporary life as permanent. to resign myself to part-time employment and barely having enough to cover expenses and honestly spending more time than i'll publicly admit thankful for my introvert tendencies b/c it means i can stay home and not spend money.

that's not me, though. i want more than that. i want a full-time job that lets me maintain financial responsibility and doesn't make me want to cry every time i walk into work. i want a place of my own where, if i so choose, i can invite y'all over or just be by my gotdamn self and be happy. i want enough money left over after paying bills and handling business to be able to eat, drink, hang out, and be merry. this doesn't sound like a tall order to me, and yet it's been elusive as hell during the past 6 years. did i mention that i'm fucking exhausted? b/c i am.

obviously i am able to keep moving and functioning on most days, but that's because yet another voice in my head pretty much commands me to get up every day. even today, while i'm parked on the couch writing this, i pulled myself out of bed and took a shower and even washed my hair b/c that voice reminds me that i still need to take care of basic things, like hygiene.

every now and then, though - like yesterday and today - shit gets overwhelming and instead of pushing all those emotions away, i need to give myself permission to vent them or at least sit with them and acknowledge their presence before i go back to living for what passes as normal. the fact that i feel like i have to give myself permission to be exhausted is exhausting in and of itself, and yet here i am.

you know where i'll be tomorrow? back at work. back to the proverbial grind. roxane gay kinda nails it for me in her "the price of black ambition" piece, specifically here:

I have achieved a modicum of success, but I never stop working. I never stop. I don’t even feel the flush of pleasure I once did when I achieve a new milestone. I am having a moment, but I only want more. I need more. 

i almost wept after i read that this morning b/c it's just so damn timely and applicable to my life. i can't even say that i'm having a moment...ok, i could say that, but i'd be lying to myself and i try to avoid that, so, yeah. as much as i think i would love to rest on my laurels (such as they are at the moment), i don't think i could ever stop until i reach my goal. knowing me, i'd probably make up a new goal and then keep working. such is my life.

o hai october!

i have been meaning to write something all week long. unfortunately, i have been unable to remember what i was going to write about. i know better. i know i should write these ideas down whenever they pop into my head b/c my quasi-ADD tendencies mean it's highly likely that i will forget whatever brilliant blog post idea i had. womp.

instead, i will share some of the random and/or reoccurring thoughts that have been swirling around my head this week. ok, some of them have been hanging around for longer than a week, if i'm going to be completely honest, but let's not nitpick.

--who takes care of the caretakers? what happens when the person who's been designated as the caretaker realizes that they're overwhelmed and can't fulfill the duty or duties that have been put upon them? who's there for those people?

--believing in love even when you're not actively in love with someone. i think i tweeted about this late last week - someone asked if i still believed in love and they were kinda shocked when i said yes. love takes all kinds of forms and even my cynical self can still believe in love even when i'm not in love. i don't know why that's a difficult concept for some folks to understand. the day i give up on believing in love is the day i just need to retire to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and y'all know i'm too much of a city girl for that to ever happen.

--football! woo! i love not having to worry about what i'm wearing on saturdays and sundays during the season. i watched a bit of last night's game (seriously, vikings: you had ONE JOB) and found myself annoyed with all of the pink for breast cancer awareness. yes, i am team #fuckcancer all day everyday but the "pink fatigue" is real for me. obviously your mileage may vary. also i saw like 2 minutes of the arizona/oregon game last night and holy hell those oregon uniforms pissed me off.

hope y'all are doing well and continuing to #embracethecrazy and #doitlive and believing in love and all those other beautiful things that keep us moving forward. :-)

connecting with "life itself"

i saw "life itself" last night. it was on my "must-see eventually" list as soon as i heard it was being released, but i missed it in theaters during its first wave. i could've rented it via on demand or on amazon, but i didn't for some reason.

when i found out "life itself" was playing at the siskel film center, some part of me knew that there's where i needed to go for this. thankfully my schedule wasn't super-crazy this week and therefore i could take myself on this journey.

more than once during the movie, i reminded myself that i was watching a film about roger ebert at the gene siskel film center. i felt like such a CHICAGOAN in those moments. i can't really pinpoint why. i mean, it's no secret that i have lived in and loved this city for what feels like forever, suburban sojourns notwithstanding. maybe my subconscious was having a particular 9/11 remembrance and without my realizing it, i was having a stronger attachment than usual to this city. 

i am attempting to write this w/o spoilers for those of you who haven't seen the movie and/or read ebert's memoir, but this piece kinda gets at what i'm trying to share: gene siskel's widow was talking about the tempestuous relationship siskel and ebert had. at one point, gene said of roger, "he's an asshole, but he's my asshole." i laughed through my tears on that one b/c that's how i feel about, well, a lot of you. (i use the term "asshole" with nothing but love and affection, obviously.) 

i think that's what struck me both in roger's book and in this film - that throughout his life, he wanted to connect with people. not necessarily people he agreed with, mind you, but people who meant something to him. maybe it's b/c he was an only child and i'm sure any psychologist worth their proverbial salt would say that ebert was creating a family of his own. (i am not a psychologist, nor do i play one on tv, so please don't accept this diagnosis as scientific fact.)

that resonates with me, as most readers of this blog have probably surmised throughout the years. the desire…no, strike that - the need, really, to develop and maintain connections, however tenuous. not to be popular, b/c clearly i am bereft of fucks to give about being popular, but to know that there's a circle, however big or small, of people you give a shit about and who, hopefully, give a shit about you.

seeing roger with chaz was on a completely different level of connection, though. i was digging through my twitter archive looking for things i'd written in response to roger's death last year. a lot of what i managed to say through my blubbering focused on chaz and roger. i may live to see 100 and i'm not convinced i'll see another relationship like the one they chose to share with us.

building and maintaining connections. it's not easy and yet roger and chaz seemed to work so well together that you'd forget that there was actual work involved. there were a couple of times in the film where you just knew chaz was nearing the end of her patience while roger was hospitalized, but then you'd catch them giving each other looks like "ok, fine, i'll stay, but only b/c it's you." that's a helluva connection.

and then (spoiler alert for those who haven't seen the movie) chaz talks about how, at the very end, she and some other loved ones were with roger and they were playing dave brubeck's music and everyone was holding hands and she found herself peaceful enough to be able to let roger go. that's another part of having connections, isn't it? knowing when it's time to sever a connection, be it through death or disagreement or something else.

as the end credits rolled, i just sat there for a moment, primarily b/c i'd cried enough to give myself a sore throat and i couldn't stop blinking residual tears away. i just kept thinking that my heart was so heavy and yet so very full at the same time.

hours later as i write this, i still feel that way - that my heart has been so heavy and yet so full simultaneously. not just today. not even just this week. hell, not even just this year, and lord knows there's been enough to cry/laugh/cry about already.

maybe it's remembering how powerful connections can be. i know i've felt more connected to chicago in the past few years than i probably ever have b/c of [reasons]. 

but i also feel like i've (re)established some powerful connections during that same time frame. i don't mean powerful in terms of clout or anything like that. but powerful more like…meaningful. i guess that's a more appropriate term. yeah, we'll go with "meaningful." that sounds good.

i think that the older we get and the more we realize that certain things in life really do have the capacity to suck for what feels like forever, the more important the connections we have with other people are. sometimes those connections are the only thing that gets us through. other times those connections are blocking us from whatever's next. the wisdom, one hopes, would be in knowing the damn difference.