i really didn't want to go to work yesterday. like, at ALL. not because it was monday, or because i thought i'd be walking into a shitshow, but because i just really wanted to sit at home and listen to music and eat and drink my feelings. i talked myself out of taking yesterday off b/c i knew i'd have today to sit at home and wallow in my feels if i so chose.
it was dicey for a while there, though. by the time i got to work, i was emotionally exhausted and felt like the smallest thing could send me over the edge. luckily, i made it home without falling apart. a friend asked how i was doing and all i could say was that i was tired. i couldn't get my shit together enough to articulate the hows and whys of my being tired, which, as i admitted to my friend, was frustrating for both of us - them because they were genuinely concerned about what was up with me, and me because i wasn't in a space where i felt like i could give voice to everything i wanted to say. i'm gonna try to give voice to it now.
here's what i think i know at the moment: i'm fucking exhausted. not physically, but more mentally/spiritually. i'm tired of feeling like all the work i've been putting into building and creating a sustainable life for myself has been for naught. i've been living with quasi-landlord for a little more than a year now and while yes for the love of god and other holy things i am thankful for fuck's sake for having a stable living situation, it's not mine and i'm not satisfied.
that's part of my problem, you see. every time i feel like i want to express this frustration, there's a voice in my head telling me to stfu and be thankful for where i am. i AM thankful, as most of y'all can attest if you've been paying attention. my #attitudeofgratitude has been well documented.
and then there's another voice in my head saying that i should just be ok with what i have and be done with it. to stop working so damn hard and accept what i see as a temporary life as permanent. to resign myself to part-time employment and barely having enough to cover expenses and honestly spending more time than i'll publicly admit thankful for my introvert tendencies b/c it means i can stay home and not spend money.
that's not me, though. i want more than that. i want a full-time job that lets me maintain financial responsibility and doesn't make me want to cry every time i walk into work. i want a place of my own where, if i so choose, i can invite y'all over or just be by my gotdamn self and be happy. i want enough money left over after paying bills and handling business to be able to eat, drink, hang out, and be merry. this doesn't sound like a tall order to me, and yet it's been elusive as hell during the past 6 years. did i mention that i'm fucking exhausted? b/c i am.
obviously i am able to keep moving and functioning on most days, but that's because yet another voice in my head pretty much commands me to get up every day. even today, while i'm parked on the couch writing this, i pulled myself out of bed and took a shower and even washed my hair b/c that voice reminds me that i still need to take care of basic things, like hygiene.
every now and then, though - like yesterday and today - shit gets overwhelming and instead of pushing all those emotions away, i need to give myself permission to vent them or at least sit with them and acknowledge their presence before i go back to living for what passes as normal. the fact that i feel like i have to give myself permission to be exhausted is exhausting in and of itself, and yet here i am.
you know where i'll be tomorrow? back at work. back to the proverbial grind. roxane gay kinda nails it for me in her "the price of black ambition" piece, specifically here:
I have achieved a modicum of success, but I never stop working. I never stop. I don’t even feel the flush of pleasure I once did when I achieve a new milestone. I am having a moment, but I only want more. I need more.i almost wept after i read that this morning b/c it's just so damn timely and applicable to my life. i can't even say that i'm having a moment...ok, i could say that, but i'd be lying to myself and i try to avoid that, so, yeah. as much as i think i would love to rest on my laurels (such as they are at the moment), i don't think i could ever stop until i reach my goal. knowing me, i'd probably make up a new goal and then keep working. such is my life.
