another (anti-)epiphany? don't mind if i do!

so i just finished reading a book by one of my favorite romance authors (don't act like you didn't know i've been reading "trashy" books for as long as you've known me, if not longer) and i'm kinda fighting back tears even as i type. i'm going to go ahead and blame some of it on hormones b/c, well, hormones.

a large part of it, though, is the re-realization (is that a word? whatever it's called when you realize something again? that's what i mean here) is that as good of a facade as i've put on my life to date, i am still in shambles and i have no idea when i'll be able to put myself back together again. i'm writing this on the couch in quasi-landlord's office/den. i'm 37 years old and i'm sleeping on a twin bed in quasi-landlord's spare bedroom b/c i still can't find a full-time job or even enough part-time employment that will let me move back out on my own w/o adding to my current and immense financial struggles. it sucks and i hate it. there. i said it. this fucking sucks and i hate it.

i really hate it when i re-realize (seriously, there's gotta be a better word for this - someone help me out here) that while i might be emotionally ready to dive back into the relationship pool, there's no way i can seriously act on those urges at the moment. i keep saying that i want to be back on my own and at least pretending to be established before i decide to start dating or pursue a romantic relationship or whatever the kids are calling it these days. that makes sense to me. if i'm into someone, i wanna be able to spend time with them at my place w/o feeling like i'm a teenager sneaking around when my parents aren't home. i have told myself this. i have told myself that if i'm gonna be serious about anyone and have any kind of partnership/relationship/whatever, i need to bring something to the table besides my student loans and sparkling personality. (shut up. there are moments when i can really pour on the charm, dammit!)

reading this book reminded me (ok, i guess i can go with "reminded," even though that's not really what i want, but fuck it) that something resembling love is out there and that, god help us all, i kinda wanna go find it again. i'm not saying i'll get married again. (some of you might remember that i only planned on getting married once, but, well, you know...) i am saying that at some point, preferably sooner rather than later in the context of now vs. before i die, i'd like to be in a relationship again. i've been battling with myself over this for what feels like forever but what really has only been about a year or so, give/take a few months.

and that's where the frustration kicks in. i hate knowing what i want, not just relationship-wise but in general life terms, and not being about to make that shit happen. a big part of why i am so encouraging of other people's dreams and aspirations is b/c i can't seem to get it going for myself, so i might as well play cheerleader for my friends and loved ones while they #doitlive. i don't begrudge their happiness. i am genuinely excited when things go well for people i care about. it's an awesome feeling, but sometimes it's really difficult.

did i mention that this fucking sucks and i hate it? i hate not being able to make even medium-range plans, let alone long-term plans, b/c i literally don't know what i'll be doing or where i'll be. i hate knowing that there is something (and maybe, just maybe, someone) else out there for me and it's not happening right the fuck now, despite all of the hard work and wishing and praying i've been doing. this shit is hard and sometimes i get tired of focusing on being thankful for the little things i have b/c every once in a while, i need to remind myself that this isn't the end. there is more. i want more, and if that makes me greedy, then i'll be a greedy bitch b/c fuck this shit. i don't accept my current circumstances as my destiny and if you're trying to do some shit that you believe in, i am the 1st one in your corner waving a flag of woo (or oom). that is how it should be. you'll have to forgive me, though, if sometimes i can't hold up that flag for an extended period of time. it's not all shits and giggles over here.

*peeks out* i think it might be safe now...

o hai. i was really kinda worried about getting through the first week of march relatively unscathed, emotionally. between the anniversary of my mom's death on march 1 and the anniversary of james' death on the 8th, i was fully prepared to have all of the crying fits and not want to get out of bed. (ok, so there were a couple of days when i didn't want to get out of bed, but that was more laziness and/or weather-induced than anything. :P)

while i was out being social sunday night, it occurred to me that i'd meant to do a blog post commemorating the 5th anniversary of james' death but i hadn't gotten around to it, so i tweeted some stuff instead:

i will say, though, that yesterday was the 5th anniversary of james' death & i managed to make it through the weekend w/o falling apart.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) March 10, 2014

a big part of that is thanks to hanging with some of y'all this weekend. a lot of you had my back 5 yrs ago and i'm forever grateful.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) March 10, 2014

so, yeah. here's to self-care in the form of hanging w/friends, eating and drinking well, & being thankful through all of it. i love y'all.
— eulalia (@queeneulalia) March 10, 2014

that pretty much sums it up. i love that my friends and i still stand up for and with each other even after all these years. let's try not to lose that, mmkay? :-)

beware the 1st of march

march 1, 1984. i was 7 years old. i remember coming home from school and seeing everyone in our living room. i knew something had to be up because why else would everyone be home from work already? my now former sis-in-law was the one who told me that my mother was dead. my family, being the religious bunch that we tend to be, had previously had the "heaven is where people go when they die" talk with me, but they were astute enough not to say anything about how soon my mother would be one of those people.

i knew she was sick, though. there were times when she'd be in the hospital and i couldn't go see her b/c i was way too young. i drew her cards, though. james helped me with some of them. when she was home and couldn't really get out of bed, i'd make sure the radio was on so she wouldn't be lonely. i "cooked" for her. my imaginary rabbit stew was legendary. i don't know why i fixated on rabbit stew - probably b/c daddy liked mocking my attachment to stuffed animals and cartoons - but i had a pretend stove and sink and bowls and pots and y'all could not tell me that i wasn't creating a culinary masterpiece.

i was 7 when i found out my mother was dead and i remember screaming and crying and my oldest brother picking me up and carrying me to bed b/c i screamed and cried myself to sleep. i remember the part of the funeral where my mother's pastor asked if any visitors were present & i tried to get daddy to stand up b/c we weren't members of mama's church. my brothers were, but daddy was a staunch a.m.e. until he died and wanted nothing to do with those crazy baptists. the fact that he was willing to tolerate occasional services after my brothers & i all switched our church memberships to 1st c. was a testament to bishop tears, really. daddy loved hearing bishop preach.

but this isn't about daddy, even though i really am a daddy's girl at heart. this is about my mother, who died 30 years ago. the woman who i did not get to spend nearly enough time with before she died. 

i think i was in high school when i learned that mama had cancer. all those years i'd believed, or had been told to believe, that mama died of a heart attack. maybe she suffered cardiac arrest in the hospital, like daddy would do some 13 years later. i don't know. but it was cancer. breast cancer. 

my mother was a teacher. details are sketchy, but i'm pretty sure she'd given it up right before i came along. that would explain how i started reading when i was 2, though. my mother loved playing the lottery and gambling. family legend has it that my first (and so far only) trip to vegas was when mama was still pregnant with me. i don't know what kind of luck she had. i do remember crown royal bags filled with quarters. those were always around the house.

i don't know what mama's favorite color was, or her favorite food, or what she wanted to be when she grew up. i don't know how many times her heart was broken. i don't know what she felt when, as a woman with two sons by two different fathers, this guy that she'd eventually marry and have two more children with first came along. i don't know how they met, or when they fell in love, or when they decided to get married, or if they were even still in love when she got sick. i don't know what kind of advice she would've given me about life or love or how to be a woman. there's a lot i don't know. there's a lot i'll never know.

i do know i'm essentially a slightly darker version of my mother. y'know how folks say someone looks like so-and-so just spit them out? i get that all the time w/r/t my mother. i didn't get her height, which would've been nice to balance out these super-long feet i got from her. i did get some of her jewelry, though. that ring i wear around my neck? it belonged to my mother. i started wearing it in high school, i think - the ring was too big for my finger and so i just put it on a chain i had and the rest is history. 

i prefer to think that i got my love of reading and learning from her, too. can enjoyment of soap operas be considered a hereditary trait? b/c i'm willing to claim that, too. i was all about all my children and one life to live and my scandal addiction has already been documented for the record. mama loved her some guiding light, to the point where 2:00pm was my nap time and even if i wasn't tired, i had to go in my room and be quiet for that hour. yes, it was that serious.

i don't know if my mother loved music, but i have to assume she did. part of me likes to believe that she and daddy bonded over their mutual love of music. the radio was on a lot in our house. i had a toy piano in my room and took lessons for what seemed like forever but was probably only a year or so. i'm listening to music as i type this and it just seems right.

it doesn't seem right that my mother has been dead for 30 years. that i have carried this grief and longing and yes, sometimes anger with me for 30 years. i may not have been able to give voice to it 30 years ago, but i can damn sure vocalize it now - the shit's not fair and cancer fucking sucks and while i can't pretend to imagine how differently my life would've turned out if my mother had lived long enough to help me through my first heartbreak or been there to applaud when i graduated, i'd be a lying sack of shit if i said i didn't indulge in daydreaming about it every now and again. yes, i know, life is difficult and we all lose people we love and there's not much we can do about it, but this is my mother i'm talking about here and the fact that i have to grasp at memories of her instead of having a whole mental database of reminisces to draw on both is depressingly maddening.

today is march 1, 2014, and my mother has been dead for 30 years. i don't know what her dreams for me were, nor do i know if i've even come close to them, but i'm here and she's not and i am sad and angry that this is a reality that i have had to resign myself to. this is a part of who i am whether i like it or not and every now and again, i have to face up to it instead of letting it simmer just under the surface while i attempt to get through my everyday life. today seems like as good a time as any to let it out.

(and if you think this was maudlin, stay tuned for my "omg i can't believe james has been dead for 5 years" post coming in the next week or so!)

what a difference a year makes, or something

i wrote this last year, but this is the 1st time it's seeing the light of day.

"today is february 20, 2013. robin roberts made her triumphant return to “Good Morning America,” and I think I just unofficially committed, in my head, anyway, to getting back into the breast cancer awareness/fundraising game.
 Shit.
 After the 3-day in 2004, I said I was retired. No more walking. No more crewing. Hell, I’m not even sure I’ve donated to anyone’s bc-related cause since then. I was done. I’d worked on crew for 4 straight years and then walked close to 60 miles in the 3-day and I was done.
 As 2013 got underway, though, a tiny part of me started thinking about coming back. 10-year anniversary of my last walk. 30-year anniversary of my mom’s death. So many survivors to be honored. So many who succumbed that deserve to be remembered.
 So. Much. Work. to. Be. Done.
 Fuck.
 I hadn’t really paid that tiny voice much attention until this afternoon when I saw robin on tv. I didn’t sob, but there were legit tears in my eyes all the same, and as I drifted off to sleep (hey, it’s my off day and I can nap if I want to), that tiny voice got a little louder. Recruited some other tiny voices to its chorus. Made sure it was the 1^st thing on my mind when I woke up from my nap.
 Dammit.
 It feels all kinds of weird to be mapping out fundraising goals and taglines when I don’t even know when the 2014 walks will be. Hell, I don’t even know where I will be by the time 2014 rolls around.
 And yet.
 $3,000 goal. 30 years without the woman who brought me into this world and who left it entirely too soon.
 I think I’m actually going to #embracethecrazy on this one. Holy fucking shit. This might actually happen, god help us.
 I haven’t been this afraid of putting words to paper in a long time, which kinda leads me to believe that despite my protests to the contrary, this is something I should do. I don’t even know if I want to do it, if we’re going to be completely honest here, but I think I should. I think I have to. Because fuck cancer. The hell with more daughters and sons and families losing loved ones prematurely.
 Typing that last graf might’ve just sealed the deal in my head. What in all purple fucks am I thinking? This is madness."

today is february 24, 2014. i'm back in chicago (i was in skokie last year when i wrote the above) and a few weeks ago, i actually decided to look at the avon walk site to see how i could get the ball rolling on the plan i concocted. turns out registration for crew members is closed. so much for that plan. and i know in my heart of hearts that i'm not in a place where i can commit to participating as a walker this year.

i've made my peace with not being actively involved in this year's avon walk. i still want to punch cancer in the face, though. sigh.

recipe review: lemon chicken

so i've been following shutterbean for a while now and have bookmarked/saved a number of her recipes for future use. when i saw her lemon chicken recipe yesterday, i sent it on to quasi-landlord with a note saying that we should probably try it out, given that the most recent trip to costco yielded almost a whole freezer shelf full of chicken breasts and chicken thighs.

i was willing to leave it at that and figured that we'd get around to trying this out at some point. "at some point" turned out to be tonight, thanks to the "hey, did we defrost anything for dinner?" conversation i had with quasi-landlord this morning. luckily, we already had everything else on hand, so i was perfectly ok with taking charge of dinner prep.

of course, me being me, i did a couple of things differently - i used 5 cloves of garlic instead of 3 b/c the cloves were kinda small and also b/c both quasi-landlord and i agree that garlic is delicious. i used 1 medium-large sweet onion b/c sweet onions are delicious and that's what was in the kitchen. i skipped the parsley b/c i was unable to locate it in the fridge and by the time everything was done, i was ready to put food in my face and couldn't be bothered to continue looking for parsley. i regret nothing.

instead of rice, i made some of this rice and lentil medley that we'd picked up from whole paycheck once upon a time. yeah, i know - i'm not usually a big fan of lentils either, but i'm ok with them when they're mixed into other things, like rice, or beans. i called dibs on the leftover roasted broccoli we had in the fridge and quasi-landlord had peas. definitely spoon some of the sauce on the rice, or potatoes, or pasta, or whatever.

verdict? omg lemon. the lemons i used were definitely large and if you like the taste of lemon, you should definitely find the largest lemons you can get your hands on for this recipe b/c omg lemon. i baked the dish for 40 minutes and then let it sit, covered, for another 10 minutes. the chicken was perfectly done, except for the edges that were slightly over-cooked b/c they'd gotten a head-start during the quick defrost i gave them in the microwave. the onions weren't as brown as i thought they'd be, but they were still delicious. quasi-landlord & i agree that we'd be up for making this again, maybe with bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs to see if there's a noticeable difference in the thickness of the sauce.

and there you have the 1st recipe review of 2014. took me long enough, didn't it? :P

a few thoughts after watching "island in the sun"

i first heard about "island in the sun" about a year or so ago while watching a special about dorothy dandridge. to be honest, i'd forgotten about it until a few weeks ago, when the movie was on cable. i was thisclose to falling asleep, though, so i didn't watch it that night. instead, i ordered the dvd from the library and finally got around to watching it last night.

guys. this movie is easily one of the oddest movies i can remember watching in a long time. i kept reminding myself that the movie came out in 1957 and therefore a lot of the "shocking" moments and story lines could only go so far, but it was still odd.

then i got to thinking...i wonder if diahann carroll watched "island in the sun," which featured not one, but two of her co-stars from "carmen jones,"and wondered about the (given the times, kinda remote) possibility of one day portraying a rich bitch opposite joan collins on "dynasty," who was also in "island in the sun."

part of me wants to get harry belafonte and joan collins in the same room and have them talk about "island in the sun." what was it like making this movie? how do they feel about it now vs. how they felt about it almost 60 years ago? i don't doubt for a second that this movie was all kinds of controversial when it was first released, given the (SPOILER ALERT) interracial romances.

me, myself, and a couple of my favorite de la soul songs

a certain section of teh interwebz is having all of the excitement over de la soul releasing almost all of their discography for free this weekend, and since it seems like said section of teh interwebz is having fun sharing their favorite de la soul songs/moments/memories, i figured i might as well join in.



"say no go" is a de la soul song that i would consider a sentimental favorite of mine. i say sentimental b/c i remember listening to it in junior high and becoming obsessed with it. so obsessed, in fact, that when i auditioned for the pom-pom squad, i made up a whole routine to "say no go."

(waits for laughter to subside)

i was doomed from the get-go, really. everyone knew that the pom-pom squad was predominately made up of 8th graders and that 7th graders like me rarely made the squad. also, i couldn't do a split. my reputation as a nerd, albeit one who could move between all the various cliques, was pretty solidified. what the hell was i thinking?

but i practiced, and i auditioned, and of course i didn't make the squad. in hindsight, this might be one of the first #embracethecrazy instances that i can remember. funny how that works, i suppose. :-)

attitude of gratitude, valentine's day 2014 edition

guys. this week has been pretty solid. my #fatgirlhappy has been indulged in mighty ways. my ddpp mix did not suck; actually, i danced so hard that my legs were sore for damn near 24 hours afterward. i helped quasi-landlord celebrate her birthday and i did not make any snarky comments...ok, not overtly snarky, anyway. none that i remember. whatever.

today? today i worked on job apps and downloaded all of the de la soul and stuffed my face full of honey butter fried chicken pizza from piece and made a tiny dent in my to-be-read pile.

this is a real improvement over where i was 2 years ago, and for that, i really am thankful. i am back in chicago and while i'm not in my own place yet, i'm as stable as i can be right now. amen. :-)

2014: the year of all of the feelings

the first month of 2014 is over, for all intents and purposes, and oh what a strange trip it's been so far. there are a few of you who, i'm sure, would be more than willing to punch january in the face just on general principle.

it occurred to me early this morning that 2014 is filled with anniversaries for me, and therefore i should just own up to the fact that i will be a big ball of emotions and feelings year-round. hi, my name is eulalia, and i will pretty much be an emotional wreck this year.

why? here are all of the anniversaries/noteworthy occasions i can think of right now:

i finished grad school 10 years ago.
i participated in my last breast cancer walk 10 years ago.
i graduated from high school 20 years ago.
james died 5 years ago, the fact of which, when i did the math this morning, pretty much knocked me for a loop. it doesn't feel that long ago, and yet it's been 5 years. wow.
my mother died 30 years ago.

last winter, i wrote some notes to myself about how i wanted to commemorate the 30th anniversary of my mother's death. i just looked at them for the 1st time in almost a year and i'm pretty sure i'm going to have to adjust those plans by a lot. ironic in a way, really, since i just wrote about dreaming big and embracing the crazy and now i have to be a bit more realistic with one of the crazy dreams i had for 2014.

so, yeah. apologies in advance if you catch me on a day when i'm more down than usual. you can't say i didn't warn you, though.

on: friendship and embracing the crazy

as the grammys wrapped up on sunday night (note to the producers of the grammys: 3.5 hours? seriously? you could cut that to 2 solid hours and i'd be happy), i was on twitter where, honestly, i'd been all evening. except for that brief stint in twitter jail, that is. i could see tweets but the only way i could post something was by going quasi-retro and tweeting by text. good times, let me tell you.

anyway - i was on twitter trying to wind down from the grammys and, as y'all know i am wont to do, went off on a tangent. sunday night's tangent was about being an enabler. one of my friends said she wanted to marry a french robot and i was all "fuck yeah let's make that happen!" because, well, why not? it started innocently enough, with me saying "i like enabling crazy dreams that my friends have...," and then it went into this:

that's part of my job as your crazy friend. best believe i'll tell you no when shit's really real, but otherwise? fuck it! let's dream big!

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

we are all too well-acquainted with struggle and heartbreak. every now & then, i wanna let loose and #embracethecrazy. let's dream big!

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

yes. life sucks. i know that all too well. i don't want all gloom and doom everything, though. sometimes we need to have fun.

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

i stand by all of this. i really do believe that sometimes we all need a bit of extra encouragement for things that might, on their face, seem trivial to most. who the hell am i to say no to your daydreams? i mean, i'm still hoping for a booze cruise with crazy uncle joe and jeff bridges and andrew w.k., and i don't want any of your "logic" and "facts" getting in the way of my big dream, ok?

this is not to say that i won't call you out when it's necessary. that's another part of my job as your friend. sometimes i have to tell you uncomfortable truths and sometimes i have to listen to you say uncomfortable truths to me and not default into "fuck you i'm not listening lalalalalalalala" mode.

for the most part, though - and i'm sure a lot of y'all can vouch for this - i am that crazy friend that says yes to whatever you're dreaming about, no matter how farfetched. i don't ever want us to feel like we have to stop dreaming. don't ever feel like your fantasies can't come true. sometimes our dreams and our fantasies are the only things that get us out of bed in the morning. don't act like it's just me b/c i know you're full of lies and deceit if you say otherwise.

keep dreaming, no matter how ridiculously crazy those dreams may seem to be. don't ever feel like you don't deserve to have fun or enjoy yourself, even if it's only for a few fleeing moments. if you don't have someone in your life who supports your batshit crazy quests, i'm here for you. :-)

try it out, folks. try being that person that supports your friends' crazy dreams, no matter how impractical they might be. #doitlive

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

some of my favorite songs of 2013

you can listen to the playlist via spotify, or, if you want, i can burn you a cd. enjoy. :-)

eta: these aren't in any particular order. just thought i should point that out.

top concert* experiences of 2013

* - one of these is a dj set, which i suppose isn't technically a concert, but i'm including it anyway.

so 2013 is almost over, which means it's almost time for everyone's year-end/best-of lists. i'm working on my 2013 favorites playlist and will post it when i'm done, but i also decided to share my favorite concert-going experiences from the past year. by my count, i went to more than a dozen concerts in 2013. i'm not sure how i pulled that off, either. i guess it helped that some of these shows were free or really inexpensive?

here's my list, in no particular order except for number one.

milwaukee summerfest, june 2013 - ll cool j, femi kuti, and morris day and the time all in one weekend. hell yes. this was my first trip out of chicago in a long while and holy shit i needed that quick getaway. in hindsight, i suppose it was a good thing that ll decided to skip chicago during this most recent tour, huh? ll's show entertained me greatly, despite the multiple fights breaking out in the crowd (really, milwaukee? that's how y'all roll?). femi kuti and his band and his dancers made me dance like i'm younger and skinnier than i really am, and affirmed my bucket list item of being one of femi's backup dancers at some point. morris day and the time always puts on a good show, and on the way back to the car, i made up a song to the tune of the flintstones theme song about some mini-doughnuts that we bought. in my halfhearted sorry-not-sorry defense, though, those mini-doughnuts were fucking delicious and i regret nothing.

frankie knuckles at smartbar, november 2013 - 'twas the night before thanksgiving and i stayed out until damn near 4am dancing. frankie knuckles has always been one of my favorite house music dj's and smartbar was full of fellow aficionados and we all collectively lost our shit multiple times when certain songs were played. one song in particular has made it onto my 2013 favorites playlist.

sphinx virtuosi with denyce graves, october 2013 - i was front and center for this show and i swear on everything holy that denyce graves smiled at me at one point during this concert and i almost died of squee. denyce graves is only one of my favorite opera singers and this was maybe the 3rd or 4th time i'd seen her live and never that close and omg i'm having a fangirl moment just thinking about it again.

turquoise jeep at bash on wabash, august 2013 - if you have any familiarity at all with the phenomenon that is turquoise jeep, then you know why this is on my list. if you don't, go watch some videos on youtube. there was also a miley cyrus wannabe who wound up on stage, so that provided extra entertainment value.

greg spero at city winery, may 2013 - this was a tasting event hosted by glennfiddich and it was also a full-out jazz piano concert, which was a total bonus for me b/c, let's face it, i was really only there for the whiskey. greg's a great musician and you should check him out if/when you can. i even got an autographed cd after the show!

lizz wright and raul midon at old town school, october 2013 - this concert was so amazingly wonderful that i almost slid out of my seat with joy. more than once. i really need these 2 to come out with a duets album, preferably a live version, so i can relive the magic forever and forever.

and now, my #1 concert-going moment of 2013:

daley at schubas, december 2013. ok, so this was a part of #alldecembereverything and i might have been a bit biased on this one, but the audience at this show was hands-down my favorite audience of the year. during intermission, a fellow audience member and i sang a duet version of oleta adams' "i just had to hear your voice." i'd never met this guy before, and yet we sang THIS WHOLE DAMN SONG IN HARMONY like we grew up in the same church choir or something. it was amazing. a few songs after that, the entire audience sang along with a live version of jill scott's "the way." as stephanie put it, it was a "peak blackness moment" b/c not a single one of us missed an ad-lib or anything else. oh, and daley put on a great show, too. :-)

when the ask is too damn high

y'all know i come from a nonprofit background, right? that most of the gigs i've had to date have been in the nonprofit sector? i know and have worked with a number of people in fundraising and development. so really, i get it when organizations send their end-of-year appeal letters asking for specific amounts that might be slightly higher than their normal ask. i understand it, i do. you're taking the chance that your donors may be in the holiday spirit and are feeling more generous than usual, and you also figure that you'll never know if that donor will contribute (insert dollar amount here) unless you specifically ask for it.

i was going through my mail yesterday and there was an end-of-year appeal letter from an organization here in chicago that i've previously supported. it was pretty standard as far as donation letters from this organization go - they did their mail merge correctly and inserted my first name more than once to make me feel special, etc. i skimmed it, really, b/c this organization is usually on my list of year-end charitable contributions anyway, but then i got to the ask.

"eulalia, your gift of $2500 or more will..."

i literally laughed out loud. well, as much as someone with laryngitis can laugh out loud, anyway. as i said on twitter yesterday, the most i've given to this organization is maybe $100, and that's been in a very good year when i was working full-time and actually was staying in my own place, etc. my usual contribution amount is in the $20-$40 range, depending on my list.

needless to say, this organization won't be seeing a cent from me this year. i know i should probably contact their development office and tell them that asking me for that kind of money is just ridiculous, especially given my current circumstances, and maybe i will, after the 1st of the year. right now, though? whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch.

37 (and still counting, please god)

guys. guys. guys. guess what day it is? c'mon...guess what day it is?

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! *releases virtual balloons and confetti*

i've developed this annoying (to me) habit of waking up between 3-4am for no apparent reason whatsoever. when it happened this morning, my first thought was still "fucking hell why am i awake so gotdamn early?" but then i realized that it was officially tuesday, december 17, and therefore i'd actually made it to my birthday (not that i was all that worried, but still), and so i went into #attitudeofgratitude mode and managed to go back to sleep shortly thereafter.

a couple of nights ago, i tweeted about having a story to tell today. see, this time 20 years ago, on my 17th birthday, i was super-depressed and if i'd managed to put my hands on a sizable number of pills, i probably would've attempted suicide. that's not a secret, right? i mean, i alluded to such in one of the intro posts i did for this blog (see #7), so i don't feel like sharing this is a super big deal.

my original plan for this post was to flesh out more of why i was feeling suicidal 20 years ago, but when i finally woke up f'real this morning, i decided that wasn't the route i wanted to take today.

today - and really, the whole month of december so far - is about celebrating myself. i'm alive. i'm relatively well. i'm safe. i may not have my own place but i have somewhere to sleep that doesn't involve a shelter or a cta train. i have a part-time job that doesn't completely suck. my friends win all of the awards for being wonderful. i am loved. there is obviously a metric fuck-ton that i can be upset about, and trust me, i am totally upset about a lot of things a lot of the time, but for right now, in this moment? happy.

recipe review: sausage and bean skillet

it feels weird saying that i made this recipe up out of the blue, b/c i'm pretty sure i've stolen elements of it from various soups/stews/pastas i've made previously.

here's how it all started. i realized that i had a pound of ground italian sausage in the freezer that i wanted to use sooner rather than later. for some reason, i didn't want to make a pasta dish. i wanted something i could make in one pot or one skillet b/c on the day in question, i was running on fumes and knew i didn't have the energy or attention span to dedicate to cooking a "full" meal.

italian sausage and spinach, i thought. that sounds delicious. i can brown the sausage and then add the spinach and i'll have meat and vegetable together. but it didn't sound like enough. beans, i thought next. i'll add a can of beans!

list of ingredients:

1 pound of italian sausage, pre-ground or if in link form, removed from casings and crumbled

1 bag of spinach (i used a 9oz bag of spinach - you could use baby spinach or a spinach/arugula blend if you wanted)

1 15oz can of cannellini beans, drained and rinsed

seasonings to taste (my default is lawry's seasoned salt - use whatever you want)

heat a nonstick skillet on medium/medium-high heat. add a couple of tablespoons of oil to get things started, then add the sausage. cook, stirring and breaking up larger chunks as necessary, until the sausage has browned. depending on how much fat is generated from the sausage, you'll want to drain the fat from the skillet.

add the spinach in batches until it's all in and wilted. stir in the beans and cook until they're heated through. season as you see fit, then eat.

this serves 3-4, depending on your serving size. i had 2 dinners and a lunch out of it. 

bon appetit!

#alldecembereverything: the list

hi guys! guess what month it is? it's december! happy birthday month to me! as in years past, i will be treating myself to various social outings and gatherings, and you're invited to join in as much or as little of the fun as your schedule and budget allows. trust me - i totally understand about the budget thing. :P

here's the list as it stands right now:
saturday 12/7 - karaoke at third coast comics. do it. you know you wanna.

sunday 12/8 - one of a kind show at merchandise mart. i'll be there with a couple of girlfriends. there are discounted tickets available from goldstar, and some of the artists may have links to free tickets on their websites.

monday 12/9 - bears vs. cowboys on monday night football. i don't know where this game watch will be happening yet, but it's gonna happen. stay tuned.

tuesday 12/10 - "the upstairs concierge" at the goodman at 7:30pm. tickets are free, but you need to reserve in advance.

wednesday 12/11 - apparently this show at schubas is sold out, so unless you already have a ticket, you  will be unable to go to there with me. sorry.

saturday 12/14 - "the rooster room" staged reading at the goodman at 11am. ok, yeah, this one is also sold out, but it looks like there might be standby tickets available? my bad.

oh, and i might do brunch after the staged reading. i'm kinda on the fence about it as of this writing, so we'll see.

sunday 12/15 - it's possible that i'll be hanging with bff in the afternoon/evening, but if there was some sort of gathering that involved the bears game, i would not be opposed to participating in said gathering.

tuesday 12/17 - happy birthday to me! lunch at primehouse as is my tradition, and then watching the blackhawks game at burger bar later that night. 1/2 price wings, anyone?

wednesday 12/18 - dj michellelesliebrown makes her triumphant return to dance dance party party! ladies only. $5. dancing. it's gonna be ridiculous.

thursday 12/19 - unbridled at untitled. 10pm. burlesque + whiskey = good times. i have a very limited number of free tickets available, so if you'd like to go and save your cover charge for more whiskey, let me know asap so i can save a ticket for you.

tuesday 12/24 - 'tis the season to go gambling on christmas eve and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight!

this list will be updated/edited as needed. happy december! :-)

recipe review, thanksgiving side dish edition

i suppose that should read "thanksgiving side dishes edition," since i decided to try not one, but two recipes to add to the dinner that quasi-landlord ordered from whole paycheck...i mean whole foods. i was a bit amused by the fact that their dinner for 4 people included a boneless turkey breast, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce, but no vegetables. at first, i was just going to roast some broccoli, but i had a bit of sticker shock when i went to jewel on tuesday and there was no way i was going to pay damn near $3 a pound for regular broccoli - hence this green beans recipe.

green beans and cherry tomatoes - i used grape tomatoes instead of cherry b/c that's what was available during the aforementioned shopping trip to jewel. in what will come as a shock to absolutely no one who reads these reviews with any regularity, i used more garlic than what the recipe calls for (i think 5-6 cloves instead of 3?) b/c garlic. if i make this again, i'd probably let the green beans cook for a few minutes longer b/c they were still on the crisp end of the crisp-tender spectrum.

maple bacon mashed sweet potatoes - i really didn't plan on making sweet potatoes at first. see, what had happened was, i was flipping through my recipe folder looking for veggie side dish ideas, right? and then i found this one and put it aside, and i read it, and that's what had happened. i don't remember exactly when i discovered the joys of sweet potato fries dipped in maple syrup, but it's one of my favorite snack/side dish treats and this appeared to be based on the same premise, plus bacon. you might need to adjust the cooking time on your sweet potatoes, depending on their size - the ones i bought at jewel were so massive that they clocked in at about a pound each, so i only used two - but otherwise? nom. i'd probably add more maple syrup next time to make them a bit sweeter. i'm sure you could also add cinnamon if you wanted.

happy friday! :-)

gobble gobble!

i'm so full right now, you guys, and not just b/c i stuffed my face full of nomz earlier.

this time 2 years ago, i was staying with bff & her mom during my month-plus of couch-surfing and house/pet sitting. i can't remember if laz had already agreed to let me punch him in the face as a goodbye to 2011 at this point. maybe? i dunno. this time 2 years ago, i didn't really know where i was going to end up after january 1. the introductions that led to my north suburban sojourn for the first 9 months of 2012 didn't happen until december of 2011.

this time 2 years ago, i was stressed beyond belief b/c i had no job and no permanent residence. i still don't have a permanent residence (yet!), but i've come so far since then that i could shed happy tears. i'm writing this while on the couch at quasi-landlord's place. i am full of nomz, the majority of which were paid for by quasi-landlord as a treat for me & her downstairs tenant, who unfortunately is sick and therefore i had to eat by myself. i have a part-time job that does not completely suck, although it definitely drives me up the wall at times. i am as stable as i can hope to be in this moment right now. my circle of friends remains strong and powerful and amazing and i am so very thankful to have them.

are there things in my life that i wish were different or more resolved? absolutely. am i still occasionally stymied and frustrated that things aren't going quite as i like? hell yes.

i'm still thankful, though.

and now, i'm gonna go watch a charlie brown thanksgiving and allow myself to slowly get into the holiday spirit. here's hoping y'all are doing well. :-)

recipe review: spinach and feta risotto

this was another recipe that i wanted to try from the slow cooker cookbook i read earlier this month. i was looking forward to it, too, b/c, well, spinach and feta. i love spinach and feta. mmm...spinach and feta...

where was i? oh, right. this recipe, which i really wanted to love but i couldn't. i'll explain why after i finish typing said recipe out for y'all b/c there's no link available:

Spinach and Feta Risotto
Serves 2 as a main dish 

1/4 cup olive oil
1 1/4 cups Arborio rice
2 cups sliced fresh button mushrooms
1 teaspoon dried minced onion
1 teaspoon dried dill
3 3/4 cups vegetable broth
1/4 cup dry white wine
7 ounces feta cheese, crumbled
10 ounces fresh baby spinach 

Use a 4-quart slow cooker. Add the oil to the insert, and swirl the rice in it to fully coat with the oil. Add the mushrooms, dried onion, dill, and pepper. Stir in the broth and wine. Cover, and cook on high for 3 hours. Stir well, then crumble in the cheese, and add the spinach. You may need to shove the spinach in to get it all to fit. Recover, and cook on high for 20 minutes, or until the spinach has wilted. Stir well and serve.

i used onion powder instead of dried minced onion b/c that's what was on hand. a 9oz bag of "regular" spinach was cheaper than 2 6oz bags of baby spinach, so that's what i bought. based on last week's risotto experiment, i decided to set the timer for 2 1/2 hours and adjust if needed. the rice was pretty tender after 2 1/2 hours, so in went the cheese and the spinach for another 20 minutes as directed.

y'all. i have made some pretty craptastic-looking meals that wound up being super-delicious. this? no. probably will not make again. it looked revolting and although the 1st bite showed promise, by the time i was finished eating a bowl for dinner last night, i knew this was not the risotto for me. i tried again tonight, thinking that maybe the flavors would have melded/hung out a bit more/improved overnight, but i was wrong and dumped it all out.

if you decide to make this, i'd cut back on the mushrooms (1 cup should be plenty - 2 cups seemed like overkill), and maybe adjust the wine/vegetable broth ratios to give it more flavor? i don't know. this was a culinary experiment gone wrong and i'm not inclined to give it another go. that bacon risotto, though? i'd totally make that again.

recipe review: bacon risotto

quasi-landlord is out of town for a week, and so are her dogs, so i suppose you could say that i'm on a staycation of sorts for a week. the house being relatively empty means that i can cook w/o said dogs barking up a storm. it also means i can cook w/o having to worry about quasi-landlord's allergies.

i decided earlier this week that i would attempt 2 different batches of risotto during the coming week. i read a cookbook a couple of weeks that said you could make risotto in a slow cooker, which, when i think about it, makes sense and i feel a bit dense for not thinking of it sooner. i mean, i love risotto, but i don't have the patience/attention span to make it at home.

first up? bacon risotto. i don't really need to explain why, do i? i mean, c'mon. bacon risotto. 2 of my favorite foods in one dish? yes, please. sign me the entire hell up.

unfortunately, i don't have a link (i may or may not have photocopied this recipe from the aforementioned cookbook), but since it's relatively short, i will type it out for you here:

Bacon Risotto (serves 4) 

6 slices thick-cut bacon, diced
1 white onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 1/2 cups Arborio rice, rinsed
4 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese (to add at the very end) 

Use a 4-quart slow cooker. In a large skillet over medium heat, add the bacon, onion, and garlic and cook, stirring until the bacon is crisp and the onion and garlic are translucent. Drain off most of the accumulated grease (retaining about 1 tablespoon) and pour the mixture into the insert. Add the rice, and swirl it around until the rice is nicely coated in oil. Pour in the broth. Cover, and cook on high for 2 to 4 hours, or until the rice is tender (check after 2 hours; it usually takes 2 hours, 45 minutes in my machine). Stir well, and add the cheese. Turn off the cooker, and let the risotto sit with the lid off for 10 minutes before serving.

i used 3 garlic cloves instead of 2 b/c regular readers of these reviews know that i love me some garlic. i used low-sodium chicken broth (and even got the organic low-sodium kind b/c it was on sale at jewel - win!), and went with a few handfuls of shredded parmesan cheese instead of grated b/c that's what was in the fridge. oh, and i added some black pepper before i added the broth - maybe a 1/2 teaspoon or so? i eyeballed it and therefore can't give you an exact measurement.

the slow cooker that quasi-landlord has is probably a 6-quart model, if not an 8-quart one, so i set the timer for 2 hours on high and figured that the rice would be tender by then. i was right. i added the cheese and then left the slow cooker on the "warm" setting until i was ready for dinner. i had some leftover broccoli from the other night, so i warmed that up and added it to my dinner bowl. nom. i definitely recommend some sort of vegetable on the side or mixed in to cut through the cheesetastic goodness.

if i make it again, i might cut back to an hour and 30 minutes of cooking time. the risotto was tender almost to the point of being gummy, which i'm ok with, but it could have been better. and yeah, i'd probably add more garlic. i was impatient and didn't let the bacon get fully crisp b/c the onions and garlic were in that sweet spot between perfectly browned and oh shit everything is burning. maybe i'd cook the bacon first and then let that drain while cooking the onion & garlic in the bacon fat. oh, and i didn't drain anything b/c there was barely a tablespoon of grease by the time i deemed it ready to go in the slow cooker.

the same cookbook has a recipe for spinach and feta risotto, which i'm going to make before thanksgiving. mmm...spinach and feta...