what a difference a year makes, or something

i wrote this last year, but this is the 1st time it's seeing the light of day.

"today is february 20, 2013. robin roberts made her triumphant return to “Good Morning America,” and I think I just unofficially committed, in my head, anyway, to getting back into the breast cancer awareness/fundraising game.
 Shit.
 After the 3-day in 2004, I said I was retired. No more walking. No more crewing. Hell, I’m not even sure I’ve donated to anyone’s bc-related cause since then. I was done. I’d worked on crew for 4 straight years and then walked close to 60 miles in the 3-day and I was done.
 As 2013 got underway, though, a tiny part of me started thinking about coming back. 10-year anniversary of my last walk. 30-year anniversary of my mom’s death. So many survivors to be honored. So many who succumbed that deserve to be remembered.
 So. Much. Work. to. Be. Done.
 Fuck.
 I hadn’t really paid that tiny voice much attention until this afternoon when I saw robin on tv. I didn’t sob, but there were legit tears in my eyes all the same, and as I drifted off to sleep (hey, it’s my off day and I can nap if I want to), that tiny voice got a little louder. Recruited some other tiny voices to its chorus. Made sure it was the 1^st thing on my mind when I woke up from my nap.
 Dammit.
 It feels all kinds of weird to be mapping out fundraising goals and taglines when I don’t even know when the 2014 walks will be. Hell, I don’t even know where I will be by the time 2014 rolls around.
 And yet.
 $3,000 goal. 30 years without the woman who brought me into this world and who left it entirely too soon.
 I think I’m actually going to #embracethecrazy on this one. Holy fucking shit. This might actually happen, god help us.
 I haven’t been this afraid of putting words to paper in a long time, which kinda leads me to believe that despite my protests to the contrary, this is something I should do. I don’t even know if I want to do it, if we’re going to be completely honest here, but I think I should. I think I have to. Because fuck cancer. The hell with more daughters and sons and families losing loved ones prematurely.
 Typing that last graf might’ve just sealed the deal in my head. What in all purple fucks am I thinking? This is madness."

today is february 24, 2014. i'm back in chicago (i was in skokie last year when i wrote the above) and a few weeks ago, i actually decided to look at the avon walk site to see how i could get the ball rolling on the plan i concocted. turns out registration for crew members is closed. so much for that plan. and i know in my heart of hearts that i'm not in a place where i can commit to participating as a walker this year.

i've made my peace with not being actively involved in this year's avon walk. i still want to punch cancer in the face, though. sigh.