recipe review: slow-cooker kielbasa and white bean cassoulet

i think i'd put this recipe in one of my "try making this soon" piles because i knew i had smoked sausage in the freezer that i could use in place of the kielbasa. i used great northern beans because those were the only dried white beans available at jewel when i went. i sorted and rinsed the beans before they went into the pot. i think i used 3 cloves of garlic instead of 2, and i used about a 1/2 teaspoon of dried thyme because the hell with buying fresh thyme if i only need 2 teaspoons of it. i set the slow cooker for 7 hours on low and hot damn did those beans come out perfectly tender. i'm sure i'll revisit this later in the fall or winter.

recipe review: thai turkey lettuce cups

i had a pound of ground turkey in the freezer that, i swear, was starting to openly mock me every time i looked at it. i didn't want to make pasta sauce with it, or meatballs, or any of the usual ideas, but inspiration was not all that forthcoming.

then i started reading the latest issue of cooking light, saw this recipe, and decided i could skip the lettuce cups part and just make the turkey and sauce mixture because i knew i already had everything i needed on hand! it turned out, though, that i only have dark brown sugar and not light brown sugar, but i wasn't going to let that stop me.

i am so making this again. i'm sure it'd be great with ground chicken as well. i ate it with steamed veggies and some brown rice and was quite pleased. it'll probably be a good meal to make for weekday lunches as well, either with veggies and/or rice or as a topping/added protein for a salad.

recipe review: sausage and kale stew with olive oil mashed potatoes

i'd had my eye on this recipe for a while, actually. once i remembered that i had a pound of "ground"/"loose" italian sausage in the fridge, i realized the time was right to try this one out.

i used 3 garlic cloves (shocking, i know) and reduced the water from 1 cup to about 3/4 cup. i have a 4-quart slow cooker, so i knew that using more water would make this more soupy than i wanted. instead of the ~7 cups of kale called for, i used a package of this kale blend and it worked out great. i set the timer for about 7.5 hours on low and the potatoes were perfectly tender when i took them out to mash them.

i'm not sure i'd make the mashed potatoes with olive oil again, though. it was my first time using olive oil in mashed potatoes and the taste and consistency was a bit different than i'm used to. the stew was great, though, so i can totally see myself making it again.

once a wildcat...?

i graduated from northwestern almost 20 years ago (holy shit i am the old) and while i always tell people that if i had it to do all over again, i'd go back to nu in a heartbeat, there are still some things that bugged me and continue to bug me about the school/administration/environment. enrollment and retention of minority and traditionally underrepresented populations has improved marginally over time, but i can still remember being downright giddy when a freshman class had 10% black people because omg we'd broken double-digits. (told y'all i was old.)

i still subscribe to the nu alumni newsletter/magazine and attempt to at least skim the alumni emails that land in my inbox. there was part of a note i received today that piqued my interest, so i followed the link and read about a new homecoming tradition at my alma mater.

instead of electing a traditional homecoming king and queen, there will be a single homecoming wildcat. it sounds kinda cheesy, i know, but this is what really sold me:

"The 12-person Homecoming Royalty Court formerly included six men and six women; the 12 top candidates will now be selected regardless of gender."

i will be the first to admit that i did not have the understanding or vocabulary to knowledgeably discuss gender identity some 20-something years ago, so as much as current me would like to be all "y'all should've done this way before now," i can't honestly say that because such a thought probably wouldn't have even occurred to me back then.

but here we are, in the year of our lord and savior black jesus 2017, and i am proud of northwestern for making a step in the right direction. here's to being a wildcat.

recipe review: chickpeas and spinach

who goes grocery shopping after work on a friday and then comes home to do some meal prep? o hai, it me. this is one of 2 new to me recipes that i tried out this weekend. i'd originally copied this from jacques pepin's cookbook and decided to pull it out of a recipe binder while trying to think through veggie ideas that weren't just sauteed spinach or steamed broccoli or green beans. the recipe in that youtube video is slightly different from the one i have, which calls for a 16oz can of chickpeas, a pound of baby spinach, canola oil instead of olive oil, and no vinegar. of course i added a clove of minced garlic because obviously jacques and/or his recipe tester/book editor forgot to include garlic somehow. 😊

i had 2 servings as a side dish for dinner on friday and saturday and took the rest for my lunch today. i am so making this again, y'all. i may try it with cannellini beans instead of chickpeas next time.

fun fact: i started typing "chicken" every time i typed "chickpeas" in this post. carnivorous habits die hard, i guess.

recipe review: roasted autumn vegetables & chicken sausage

i've been trying to spend a bit more time going through my binders full of recipes to come up with new (to me) dinner ideas. i knew i had a pack of chicken sausage in the freezer and could use that as a starting point.

i don't normally like brussels sprouts unless there's bacon involved or they're mixed with other vegetables. since this recipe calls for butternut squash and brussels sprouts, i figured i could give it a try. the chicken sausage is from a local vendor and was a special "bohemian chicken" variety that's reminiscent of roasted chicken. there were 6 links in the package so i used all of them. i think i wound up with 1.5 pounds of brussels sprouts before i trimmed them. the package of cubed & peeled butternut squash was 16oz, so that kinda evened things out as far as i was concerned. i used dried rosemary and dried sage, and since there were 5 cloves of garlic left on the bulb, i used all five. (i know you're all stunned by that, lol.) i eyeballed the salt and pepper as usual. after the initial 10 minutes of roasting, i stirred the veggies, added the sausage links, and roasted everything for another 30 minutes, stirring once about halfway through.

verdict? my opinion on brussels sprouts hasn't changed. we'll see if/how the flavors meld after a night in the fridge.

recipe review: road trip string bean and tomato salad

i bought a pound of green beans the other day because they were on sale and i knew i'd be going at least a little cooking this weekend. i also knew i wanted to try something a bit different from just boiling them or a simple saute. since i was working from home yesterday, i had time to go through my binders full of recipes for potential ideas. i read this one and although i didn't have balsamic vinegar or tomatoes on hand, i knew i was going back to the grocery store so picking those items up wouldn't be a problem.

there were 3 cloves of garlic left on the bulb i had, so i used all three. i wound up adding a bit more olive oil and a bit more balsamic vinegar because i didn't feel like i had enough dressing to coat everything. it tasted great last night and i'm interested to see how the flavors meld together after hanging out in the fridge.

recipe review*: bratwurst & veggie skillet

*-not sure if this counts as a review per se, since i didn't follow the recipe so much as i used it for inspiration.

i had a package of bratwurst in the freezer that needed to be used, but i didn't want to break out the grill pan and i wasn't really in the mood for making beer brats. to the interwebz i went and found the recipe linked above. in finding the link to copy/paste it here, i realized that i inadvertently left out both the cayenne pepper and the dried oregano when i made this the other night. i printed the recipe while i was at work and somehow those 2 ingredients got left off the page. oops.

there were 5 bratwurst in the package, so i thawed and sliced all of them. i used 6 small-to-medium red potatoes that i scrubbed and diced, along with the 2 red bell peppers and the sweet onion specified in the recipe. i found some baby rainbow carrots at the farmers market, so i peeled, washed, and cut them to use instead of the zucchini. i have roasted garlic powder instead of regular garlic powder because i wasn't paying close attention to the label when i bought it, but this is a good problem to have, imo.

i am still getting accustomed to how my oven works, so i let this bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, stirred everything around a bit, and let it continue baking for another 25 minutes or so until the potatoes and carrots i tested were tender. upon further review, i discovered that some of the potatoes were still a bit on the firm side, but not in an inedible way. i may freeze some of this to see how it holds up.

if/when i try it again, i'll probably use a different kind of sausage. maybe sweet potatoes or butternut squash instead of red or russet potatoes. probably carrots again, or maybe parsnips? we'll see.

on: saying "no" to yourself

we hear a lot about self-care. about putting yourself first. about treating yourself. about saying "yes" to yourself and the things that make you happy or bring you peace or whatever. but what about saying "no?"

i had some downtime yesterday between outings and decided to go home, have some lunch, do a bit of meal prep, maybe take a nap, and maybe clean my apartment before heading back out. the cleaning part was really weighing on me because i'd had to give myself permission to skip everything domestic last weekend (except for laundry and dishes) because i was way too busy and i just didn't have it in me to do anything else. even that was a struggle. i wish i'd kept count of how many times i said something like "ugh, i really need to vacuum" or "i wonder if i can pay someone just to clean my bathroom" last weekend. it was a struggle but since i'd said "yes" to doing all of the social things, i knew something had to give.

back to yesterday. i had my lunch and did my meal prep and was all set to maybe vacuum before taking a nap, but suddenly my body was like "nope." instead, i read for a little bit and then dozed off for, i dunno, maybe 30 minutes tops? i woke up and immediately knew something was off. i had the beginnings of a headache and i felt a bit queasy, which i was willing to chalk up to maybe drinking too much too quickly on a relatively empty stomach, but as i got out of bed, i realized that i was in actual physical pain. my apartment's not huge and yet walking from my bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen felt like a chore. this, of course, did not bode well for the last event on my calendar, but i figured i still had time to at least start cleaning up before heading out. i took an aleve, drank some water and some ginger ale, and decided that i could at least vacuum the apartment before i left and worry about the rest of the cleaning when i got back that evening.

by the time i finished vacuuming, though, i still wasn't feeling quite right. the queasiness had eased up a bit but was still lurking, as was the headache - which made me think that maybe a migraine was coming - and moving around my apartment still left me feeling as though i was literally dragging myself around.

i gave myself 10 minutes to sit back down, figuring that i could still get dressed and head over to my destination. i was only going ~5 blocks from home, so i decided that if things got really bad, i could just leave the event and head back home. on foot, of course, because the cta doesn't want me to have nice things like service on the #11 or the #37 on weekends or, as was announced this afternoon, no service on the #11 at all come september.

i was all set to say "yes" because i was going to a reading of a new/in-progress play, which is one of my favorite ways to enjoy the theater. also the playwright in question has written other works that i've enjoyed, and based on the synopsis i'd read, this production would also be right up my alley. oh, and it was free. all of the boxes were checked for a "yes."

and yet i had to say "no." the thought of getting dressed and walking to the venue and back was almost enough to make me want to cry. i was that physically tired. it's like the nap did nothing. the headache and queasiness were pretty much gone at that point (hooray for no migraine!), but i knew the best thing for me would be to curl up in bed with a book and relax, so i did.

that really fucking annoying voice in my head wouldn't shut up about the apartment cleaning, though. i think i read for almost 2 hours and the whole time, that tiny voice was all "what about the bathroom? weren't you going to swiffer the kitchen? what about the counters?" i finally gave in later in the evening and got up to clean the bathroom. i had to work in stages and take water breaks and rest between each task because my body was still in full "what is this whole moving around thing NOPE NOPE NOPE" mode, but it got done. then i made a cup of tea and ate the english toffee brownie i'd bought at the farmers market on saturday (note to self: go back and buy more of those brownies) and caught up on a few emails and other things online until i was ready to officially call it a night...after i swiffered the kitchen as my last productive act.

i felt all of the guilt about saying "no" to my previous plans. i'm almost positive that i would've loved the reading, and that i would've made it home without incident, and obviously i was just exaggerating about how tired i was and how unwell i felt and i shouldn't be so lazy. (did i mention that the annoying voice in my head is really fucking annoying? because it is.)

i woke up this morning feeling much improved over yesterday, which was good because i absolutely needed to be functional at work today. it's a short work week for me (o hai breast mri on friday! i couldn't forget about you if i tried!) and i'm on deadline, so being able to focus and get my work done is kind of a bigger deal than usual.

would that have been possible if i'd pushed myself to go out last night? knowing me, i would've found a way to power through today somehow, but i'm pretty sure i would've still felt like shit and not just in a "ugh mondays could you not?" kind of way.

so this is august...

today is august 1st.

i am 10 days away from having an mri exam on my breasts. please don't panic (because i'm doing enough of that for all of us, trust me) - i have not detected anything amiss, nor have my doctors, but given my family history and risk factors, we all want to err on the side of caution. also i want to do it while i still have employer-provided insurance because god only knows what's going to happen with that.

after i made the appointment for the exam, i called quasi-landlord to ask if i could crash with her the night before so she could drive me to the hospital, because i realized that worry about the logistics wasn't something i really wanted to deal with. i also asked the staff to prescribe some sort of anti-anxiety meds for the exam because we all know my hospital phobia is real as fuck and no one wants me freaking the fuck out. also the exam is supposed to take 45 minutes (heh) and there's no way i'm going to be calm and still for that long in that setting. q-l says we can go have breakfast afterwards because she knows i won't be hungry beforehand and the meds will have me loopy enough to need something on my stomach.

let's talk about how proud i am of myself for 1) remembering to make the appointment in the first place and 2) reaching out to q-l for help. y'all know how forgetful i can be. i can also be stubborn as hell and feel as though i can do everything by my damn self and then i'm wondering why i'm so fucking tired and anxious and depressed. sometimes you gotta outsource some shit.

so, yeah. i haven't said much about the exam even though it's been on my calendar for damn near a month. i am actively trying (and failing) to panic as the date gets closer. i am super duper vigilant about breast self-exams and i've already had 2 mammograms this year, thanks to the first set of results being inconclusive. that was fun, let me tell you. i know in my heart of hearts that there is nothing wrong and that there should be no surprises when the exam results come back. this is not just me being ridiculously optimistic. i really do believe this.

and yet, my brain works in mysterious ways and sometimes it likes to overthink things and panic when there is no logical reason to do so. it's a blast. if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong, i know that i can pull together some semblance of a plan and go forward after i have my initial "omg wtf is even happening right now" breakdown. that's what i do. i freak out for a minute (hour, day, month, whatever) and then i get back to work. sometimes, though, my brain doesn't allow me to work through things in a sensible way and i wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe because "what if they find something?" i am a goddamn ray of sunshine in those moments.

this month is also momentous for me because james would have been 55 this year and that is totally and completely fucking with me. sometimes i forget that he was only 46 when he died. when i'm really committed to wallowing in self-pity, i rage about how fucking unfair it is that he died so goddamn young and how dare he be taken from me and carol and everyone else who loved him when it's so obvious that we still need(ed) him around? if i allow myself to be honest outside of my therapy sessions, i can acknowledge how selfish i'm being and how i obviously had no control over when/how my brother was going to die and of course none of it is my fault. then i start feeling like a big bay because i miss him so much still that, again, if i allow myself to be open and honest about it, it physically feels like a part of me is missing. like there's a hole in my chest that can't be repaired. it stinks. i don't like it.

i was all set to get a tattoo (both daddy and james had the same first and middle initials, which made my decision easier) on what would've been on james' 55th birthday this year, until i realized it's the day before my friends' wedding. the tattoo will happen before the year is out, though. it's the only remaining item on my original "get your shit together" list. you may recall that the other items on the list were paying off my eviction, having fibroid surgery, and moving into my own place. all of those boxes have been checked and unpacked. i will somehow power through my dislike of needles and get this tattoo on at least one area of my body.

james would have been 55 and lori would have been 56 this year. did i mention how much this sucks? because it really does. of course their birthdays are a day apart because god in his infinite wisdom wanted to make sure that i could suffer in concentrated chunks of time vs. spreading that shit out. i'm ok with that part, actually. i tried explaining this to my therapist during my annual february/march doldrums and i'm sure she thought i was protesting too much at first, but when i broke down the schedule of dates and how/why they have such an impact on me, i think she came around.

my mri exam is on lori's birthday, which is the day before james' birthday. my friends' wedding is two days after the mri exam. i didn't have the birthdays in mind when i scheduled the exam but i was thinking of the wedding, since i was already taking that monday off as a recovery day (because drinking), so i figured i might as well get an extra long weekend out of it.

with that said, my current approach to this month is to make it to this wedding without completely losing my shit. if i survive the next, oh, 2 weeks or so, then i should be able to get through the rest of august relatively unscathed. hopefully. *knocks on wood* *crosses fingers* *prays to saints* *lights candles*

recipe review: muffin-tin quiches with smoked cheddar and potato

i have been about that savory breakfast life for a little bit now, which is kinda hilarious to me because my sweet tooth is still going strong. maybe it's because i'm usually having a mimosa or 5 with brunch and i feel like i need a savory entree to balance out the sugar? yeah, let's go with that. it sounds plausible enough.

this recipe has a few of my favorite things: potatoes, cheese, and spinach. don't be like me and use an entire container of baby spinach in this recipe, though. i made this on friday evening and realized i probably wouldn't finish the rest of the spinach before it went bad, so into the mixing bowl it went. in hindsight, i probably should've added another egg or two to even out the consistency a bit. as it was, i let these bake for, oh, maybe 35 or so minutes instead of the 25 minutes listed in the recipe. i also added a couple cloves of minced garlic (yes, i did go to the store just to buy more garlic after i made that last batch of chili) because, well, i just figured it was an oversight of some sort that this recipe didn't call for any garlic. there's potatoes and spinach and cheese! why would you not add garlic to that deliciousness?

as an aside, i would like to point out that past me packed away a muffin tin and a grater, but not a potato masher. i discovered this when i decided to make mashed potatoes with the potatoes i'd bought for this recipe but didn't use. i just let the potatoes boil for what seemed like forever or until i could mash them with the back of a spoon.

back to the recipe, though - added garlic, dumped in way more spinach than was called for, adjusted the cooking time...oh! i had some cubed smoked gouda (which has been a "not-quite-impulse buy but definitely not on my shopping list" purchase the past couple of trips to jewel) in the fridge, so i added a few cubes along with the grated smoked cheddar. mmmm....cheese...

i did not freeze any of these because i'm having them for breakfast this week. i like them as they are, and i'm sure they'd be better if i hadn't gone overboard with the spinach and messed up the consistency. i also like that they're vegetarian and that this is something that could be made in advance for a brunch or a brinner party. oooh, a brinner party. i would totally go to a brinner party. i don't think i've done brinner yet since i moved in. i should make that happen soon.

recipe review: italian sausage chili

this is one of the recipes that caught my eye while i was organizing my recipe binders a couple of weeks ago. i knew i had italian sausage in the freezer and that there was a carton of chicken broth in the pantry, so it was just a matter of picking up the other ingredients.

me being me, i used 6 cloves of garlic instead of 4. i just happened to have 6 cloves left and decided it was a sign to use them all. some of the cloves were thinly sliced. some were not. if i had it to do again, i'd probably just use my garlic press and mince the garlic that way. i used a package of johnsonville italian sausage, which i think clocks in at around 19 ounces or so. the cannellini beans were low-sodium, as was the chicken broth. no parsley was used. i had a few scallions left from the turkey fried rice i'd made the night before, so i sliced those up and added them with the bell pepper, onion, and garlic. i also added some italian seasoning at the end - maybe a teaspoon or so? i was eyeballing it so who knows what the exact measurement was on that.

i made this on wednesday and didn't actually eat any of it until last night. chili's one of those dishes that tastes better the longer it has time to sit and let all the flavors hang out and become best friends. i put a serving in the freezer and have had 2 bowls of it so far, and i'm pretty sure there's at least 3 servings left in the fridge, so that whole "serves 4" thing may not be the most accurate. i'd make this again, possibly with chicken chorizo from whole foods (usually available at the meat counter - sometimes you have to order it in advance and they'll make it for you) and with minced/pressed garlic. maybe a red/orange/yellow bell pepper instead of green, depending on what's on sale. maybe diced tomatoes instead of plum tomatoes? oh, the possibilities...lol

on: not losing recipes

i spent a good chunk of today going through my paper recipe files. i currently have three large binders filled with recipes that i've clipped or printed or typed up. before today, i hadn't really looked at those binders since 2011. i'd been accumulating recipes since then in a couple of overflowing manila folders (and on my laptop, but let's not discuss that right now), so i decided it was time to file those away while reviewing ones i'd previously saved.

it was interesting to me to see how my taste have changed and/or evolved over time. i wound up tossing dozens, if not closer to a hundred or more, of previously saved recipes into my recycling bin. there were dishes that i knew good and well i'd probably never get around to trying. dishes that had ingredients that i don't like and couldn't easily substitute for something else. dishes that probably sounded good to past me, but current me was like "um, no thank you." dishes i'm not really sure why i saved them in the first place and since i'm in no danger of running out of ideas, away they went.

i found a couple of recipes that i'd made from memory just in the past couple of days, including a sauce i used for my crockpot ribs today, and some other old favorites that were relatively heavy in my rotation. i'm actually kinda excited about revisiting some of them and trying out some new ones, all the while hoping that i get the knack of this electric stove sooner vs. later.

greetings from casa de eulalia!

apologies for the silence, folks. i was kinda busy, what with finding an apartment and being approved for it and signing a lease and buying things and packing and unpacking and trying to get organized and all. wait...what?

i am currently typing this from my apartment. an apartment that i am straining my budget to afford every month, but it's mine and i have a balcony and it's closer to work and one of my most frequented bars is like 3 blocks away and it is all mine. woo!

how long have i been waiting to write a sentence like that? oh, only 6 years or so. part of me still can't believe that this is happening. that i am actually in a space of my own and my name is on a lease and holy fucking shit you guys i am finally in a living situation that i picked out and have complete control over. well, as much control as an apartment renter would have, anyway.

i haven't been here a full week yet, even though i've been moving stuff in and out all month long, so there's still some things for me to get used to or discover. like the water pressure in the shower being so low that it makes me sad every morning. like cooking with an electric stove, which i've done only a few times before. like remembering just how much i appreciate silence, especially since i don't have a tv yet. like figuring out what kind of seating arrangements i want in the living room. do i want a couch? a table and chairs? a couple of bar stools near the kitchen? a pile of big fluffy pillows? some combination thereof? so many options!

a big huge thank you to everyone for all of their support during the move and, well, during the past 6 years. the journey took way longer than i thought it would, but i'm here, and i am beyond grateful.

if you didn't get my "o hai i moved here's my new contact info" email and you think that maybe you should have that handy, let me know. my memory is trash and i'm sleep-deprived and it's entirely possible that i inadvertently left someone out. sorry.

on: privilege, gratitude, and feeling like a poseur

(originally written around 10:30am today. a couple of things have already changed, so i'll update accordingly within the post using italics.)

i've been mulling over privilege during the past few days or so. i don't have much of it, as a black woman in this current society, but i do have a bit. i've been fighting a cold since last week and i was able to stay home twice - once as an official sick day, and the other by my choosing to work from home - so i could try to get my life together. totally failed at that, as evidenced by the bronchitis diagnosis i received yesterday, but at least i was able to try. i was also able to go to an immediate care clinic near home to get checked out because this coughing is obnoxious and i'm losing at least an hour of sleep a night because of it, which i really can't afford because my sleep pattern is already trash. given that the house of representatives is considering yet another attempt to repeal the aca as i type this (GODDAMMIT, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES! WHAT THE FUCK?), being able to use my employer-provided insurance and not having to worry about paying hundreds or thousands of dollars out of pocket is a blessing. that same insurance covered all but $12 or so of the medicine i was prescribed for this stupid cough (can you tell i'm beyond over this? ugh).

the whole insurance thing has been on my mind because it's almost been a whole entire year since i had surgery. i know - i can barely believe it myself. it feels like just yesterday when i was having all of the anxiety about the surgery and staying in the hospital overnight (not gonna lie, typing that just now made me shudder, so you know the phobia is real and just typing it again some 11 hours later still creeps me out, btw), but here we are.

i am, of course, incredibly grateful to have access to quality health care, both of the physical and mental varieties, without having to worry too much about how i'm going to pay for it. i'm also thankful for having sick time that allowed me to stay home and recuperate last year after surgery, and that same sick time came in handy this time last week when i realized that yes, i needed to stay home and attempt to rest. who knew i'd end up having 6 nosebleeds on friday, or that i'd lose my voice for 3-4 days, or that i'd come down with a migraine late sunday/early monday after i'd already taken a benadryl for the night and couldn't take a migraine pill and then had all of the migraine-induced nausea, or that this annoying cough would become the bane of my fucking existence? seriously. only i would end up with bronchitis (and a possible sinus infection! woo!) after what appeared to be a regular cold.

i'm also grateful to quasi-landlord, who, after returning home from her louisiana vacation last night, took one look at me and made me a mug of mint tea, even though i'm quite honestly sick of drinking tea and am ready to take a break from hot toddy time. she also brought back pralines and caramels for me, which was awesome because i'd meant to ask her about possible praline souvenirs, but i was too busy having laryngitis and attempting to have a social life because i'd already paid for tickets to things and therefore staying home all weekend was not an option. you should've seen my face last night when quasi-landlord broke out that box of pralines for me. actually, no, you shouldn't have. my cheeks are still kinda blotchy from the migraine-induced nausea, plus my nose is in full rudolph mode, and my hair has basically taken the week off from even pretending to be cooperative when i try to style it. dead sexy, let me tell you.

i'm going to a talk/networking thing at work later this afternoon. i still have a strong aversion to formal networking, mind you, but the talk is being given by one of the highest ranking black women at the firm. i'm still not feeling 100%, but i felt like this was important enough to drag myself into the office. i think that sometimes, it's helpful to see what's possible, even if it's not something i actually want for myself. bonus if #blackgirlmagic is involved somehow. (so glad i sucked it up and went. she said some things that i needed to hear and i swear the universe just knows sometimes.)

i kinda feel like a fraud, though. i was trying to figure out what to wear to work today and even this button-down shirt and these pants scream "trying too hard" to me, despite the fact that it's an outfit i've worn countless times before. i obviously want to be a bit more presentable than usual since i'm going to this shindig, but...i don't know. y'know how sometimes you see folks in full business attire and they just project this sense of "yes, i am a major player in whatever business this is" and you just want to sit in the corner and nurse your drink until it's socially acceptable for you to sneak out without saying anything to anyone? no? just me? dammit.

yes, i know i have lots to offer professionally - i've been working for more than 20 years and i know enough to know that there's so much more that i don't know - but sometimes it still feels as if i have nothing to contribute. not because i don't like my job, because i do actually enjoy what i do most days even if some of the folks i work with drive me up the fucking wall, but because i feel as if i'm not supposed to be (t)here. like i snuck in somehow and at any moment, my cover will be blown and i'll be marched out.

given the thoroughness of the background check that was performed before this job was officially offered to me, there's little to no chance of that actually happening in real life, but it still bugs me. y'all know me. i rarely if ever play myself small. i think i've been referring to myself as queeneulalia or queen of the universe or some permutation thereof since college, so clearly i'm about that "let's dream big!" life.

and yet.

i told myself when i took this job that i would at least try to go to some of these networking events even though i'd much rather be doing hoodrat things with my friends, and if i didn't know or recognize anyone at the event, that i would stay for at least one drink or 15 minutes into the networking part of things. yes, i know the whole point of networking is to make new connections and all that shit, but fuck that. a bitch doesn't really like people like that on most days and i could be at the bar or on my way home or reading a book or eating tacos or whatever instead of sipping questionable red wine and possibly nibbling on cheese and crackers or crudites and making small talk or outwardly feigning interest in whatever's being discussed while trying to figure out how soon i can get back down to my desk to pack up and call it a day. i'm already doing the math in my head - if the networking part starts at 5, i can maybe call it a day at 5:20 at the latest, assuming that i'm able to grab a drink right at 5 or shortly thereafter, and assuming i don't run into anyone i know or feel the need to stay longer. i am also keeping in mind that a coughing fit may strike at any time, despite my meds, and therefore i may have to unfortunately excuse myself when the talk concludes. (i totally left after the talk concluded. i wound up sitting next to another black woman who works on the same floor as i do, so we both agreed that going back to our desks and wrapping things up was the better use of our time. she did introduce me to someone that she knew, though, so i did actually meet one new person. that totally counts. 😀)

yes, i'm serious. yes, i know it's not really that serious in the whole scheme of things but yes, it is that serious to me. don't knock the coping mechanism until you've tried it...and even then, you shouldn't knock it. just because it doesn't suit you doesn't mean that it won't be great for someone else. 💜

on: the lord's prayer

*blows dust off of blog login credentials*

o hai hey hello wassup y'all? 👋

i took a lyft home from the bar tonight, as i do almost every sunday evening. yes, i went to the bar on easter sunday. #sundayfunday is part of my routine and since my therapist said that going out is good for my self-care, i see no reason to deviate from this.

so i'm riding along in my lyft (with a quiet driver, black jesus be praised) and all of a sudden, the lord's prayer pops into my head. not just the "standard" version that you may have been taught at church and/or can still recite from memory. i mean more like this.

i've not sang in a church choir on a regular basis since 1994, and yet i found myself softly humming this version for the rest of my ride home. if you think my falsetto during karaoke is ridiculous, you should've heard me in high school. some of my fellow sopranos and i would grab on to each other or hold hands to help each other reach for those high notes. there was a reunion concert at 1st c. back in late january and during rehearsal, some of us found ourselves falling right back into that same habit of holding on to each other so we could try to hit those seemingly impossible notes.

i wish i could tell you how or why this song came to me. my ride wasn't particular arduous and i don't recall anything else happening along the way that would've necessitated a prayer or otherwise going to church as the case may be. maybe i was just feeling a bit nostalgic since i didn't go to church today. maybe i was thinking about recent events in cleveland and other places and the ongoing fubar-ness that is the current administration and the universe decided this was a song i needed to revisit for the first time in god only knows how long.

may we all feel that our prayers and/or the desires of our hearts be received and understood, even if they do not immediately come to pass. amen.

on: trying not to burnout

a group of us went to dinner last week to celebrate quasi-landlord's birthday. as we got settled, the conversation turned to politics, as i suppose it tends to do during times like these. i asked if we could all agree that we disagree with the current administration and leave it at that, so that we could talk about other things and not get ourselves worked up. that was successful for about 15 minutes, so i asked again. one of quasi-landlord's friends realized that i was quite sincere about this and thankfully steered the conversation to another topic.

the tv in quasi-landlord's room is tuned to msnbc as i write this. at least once a week, i have to remind her that we have a variety of channels to choose from and if something or someone on msnbc is getting her worked up, then she should change the channel. i think this is easier for me to say because it's been months since i've actively watched msnbc for longer than, say, half an hour at a time.

it's not that i don't understand why so many people are so consumed with everything that's going on. i get it. i'm as scared and as angry livid, really as anyone else that stands in opposition to the current administration. i also know that giving into that fear and letting it take over my life is the absolute last thing i need. self-care is a necessity for all of us. i found myself nodding in agreement when this crossed my twitter feed last week because i do a few of these things already. i've also been using this activism checklist as a way to help me hone in on things i can do each week. i can't always get away from my desk to make calls, so i turn some of those scripts into emails for elected officials instead.

we're all being bombarded, and for some of y'all, this may be the first time you've felt this stressed out and hopeless and confused, and that's ok. what i need for all of us to remember is that this shit right here is not the end. we may need to find new and different and creative ways to unplug as needed. hell, we may need to get to the point where we can even identify the fact that we need to take a break. i'm pretty sure that the world won't stop turning if i take some time to read or listen to music or watch tv or hang out with friends without focusing our discussions on politics. (you can always ask me about northwestern men's basketball instead. this is the year, people!) the work will still be there. i promise.

do what you can, when you can, where you can, and hopefully we'll all get through this thing called life one way or another.

recipe review: skillet pork tenderloin with mustard and smoked paprika

you ever come across a recipe that's so simple that you're kinda upset that you didn't come up with it first? after that moment passes, you realize that you have almost all of the ingredients and so you might as well try it out.

that was me this weekend with this recipe. i saw it in a magazine friday night, added pork tenderloin to my shopping list for saturday afternoon, and made it yesterday. i probably could've let the pork brown a little longer, and it probably could've stayed in the oven for a few more minutes, but otherwise i'm happy. i used smoked sweet paprika, which worked because i'm sure the combo of the dijon mustard and hot smoked paprika might've been too much for me.

i'm currently wishing i'd baked some sweet potatoes or made sweet potato fries or something to go along with it, but this is a good problem to have.

on: feeling isolated while surrounded

talked to carol today. there's all kinds of drama going on, some of which i alluded to on twitter, and i can tell it's taking its toll on her. she's been thrust into the role of caregiver again, this time for her father (and our pastor), and she told me how she feels like no one really understands what that's like for her, especially knowing that barring a miracle, there will be no recovery for her father. i understand it to a certain extent, having lost countless loved ones, but i don't even want to pretend to know what it would feel like to potentially lose both your husband and your father in a span of less than 10 years.

carol's like me in a lot of ways, and not just because we were born in december. we're both way too stubborn for our own good sometimes. we know friends and family would do their best to help out if we could articulate what we wanted/needed instead of just saying that we're tired. sometimes we believe that it's just easier to shoulder the weight and do it ourselves and worry about the consequences later. way deep down, we know that this isn't healthy, but we've so conditioned ourselves that this is the way it has to be that it's difficult to break that habit.

at one point during our conversation, carol mentioned that she'd called a family friend of ours to be potential backup in case some of the aforementioned drama gets even uglier. i had to laugh because i was already mentally writing a text to a friend on how i might need them to be ready to show up at a moment's notice due to said drama. then i had to pause because i heard a hint of loneliness in carol's voice and i knew better than to call her on it in that moment.

that's another thing we have in common. we can be surrounded by people we know and love and still feel like we're utterly alone. y'all know that this is something i've battled and am continuing to attempt to work through.

then i started thinking about jordan hankins. i didn't know jordan personally, but i can see the similarities in our stories. being a black woman at northwestern is not easy. i knew a fair number of black athletes while i was there and one of their constant complaints was feeling isolated from the rest of the black community on campus. knowing what i do about current campus conditions, my guess is that not much has changed. let me be clear in that i do not and would not dare to claim to know what jordan was going through. i would submit that it is possible, though, that she felt a sense of isolation even while being surrounded by teammates and friends and family. i hope her spirit is at rest now, and that those who knew her and loved her are able to find some peace.

recipe review: greens, cannellini beans, and andouille sausage pan stew

i tore this recipe out of a magazine recently and knew i could adapt it for new year's day collard greens & black-eyed peas purposes. if you're in chicago, you should be able to find amylu chicken andouille sausage at jewel and/or whole foods - i've seen them at both stores. instead of cannellini beans, i used a can of black-eyed peas that i drained and rinsed. i used 2 teaspoons of dried thyme instead of fresh thyme, used apple cider vinegar instead of balsamic because that's what i had. i wish i could tell you how many collards i wound up with, but i didn't measure them. i also added a bit of salt at the end. oh, and i used 2 large garlic cloves along with 2 teeny tiny cloves of garlic.

obviously, i had to adjust the cooking time since i was using collard greens instead of kale. i'd say they cooked for about 30-40 minutes or so, with me checking for doneness every 10-15 minutes. i didn't reduce the broth by half - more like a quarter or so. if/when i make this again, i'd slice the onions into smaller pieces and maybe ease up on the cider vinegar a bit.