a few thoughts after watching "island in the sun"

i first heard about "island in the sun" about a year or so ago while watching a special about dorothy dandridge. to be honest, i'd forgotten about it until a few weeks ago, when the movie was on cable. i was thisclose to falling asleep, though, so i didn't watch it that night. instead, i ordered the dvd from the library and finally got around to watching it last night.

guys. this movie is easily one of the oddest movies i can remember watching in a long time. i kept reminding myself that the movie came out in 1957 and therefore a lot of the "shocking" moments and story lines could only go so far, but it was still odd.

then i got to thinking...i wonder if diahann carroll watched "island in the sun," which featured not one, but two of her co-stars from "carmen jones,"and wondered about the (given the times, kinda remote) possibility of one day portraying a rich bitch opposite joan collins on "dynasty," who was also in "island in the sun."

part of me wants to get harry belafonte and joan collins in the same room and have them talk about "island in the sun." what was it like making this movie? how do they feel about it now vs. how they felt about it almost 60 years ago? i don't doubt for a second that this movie was all kinds of controversial when it was first released, given the (SPOILER ALERT) interracial romances.

me, myself, and a couple of my favorite de la soul songs

a certain section of teh interwebz is having all of the excitement over de la soul releasing almost all of their discography for free this weekend, and since it seems like said section of teh interwebz is having fun sharing their favorite de la soul songs/moments/memories, i figured i might as well join in.



"say no go" is a de la soul song that i would consider a sentimental favorite of mine. i say sentimental b/c i remember listening to it in junior high and becoming obsessed with it. so obsessed, in fact, that when i auditioned for the pom-pom squad, i made up a whole routine to "say no go."

(waits for laughter to subside)

i was doomed from the get-go, really. everyone knew that the pom-pom squad was predominately made up of 8th graders and that 7th graders like me rarely made the squad. also, i couldn't do a split. my reputation as a nerd, albeit one who could move between all the various cliques, was pretty solidified. what the hell was i thinking?

but i practiced, and i auditioned, and of course i didn't make the squad. in hindsight, this might be one of the first #embracethecrazy instances that i can remember. funny how that works, i suppose. :-)

attitude of gratitude, valentine's day 2014 edition

guys. this week has been pretty solid. my #fatgirlhappy has been indulged in mighty ways. my ddpp mix did not suck; actually, i danced so hard that my legs were sore for damn near 24 hours afterward. i helped quasi-landlord celebrate her birthday and i did not make any snarky comments...ok, not overtly snarky, anyway. none that i remember. whatever.

today? today i worked on job apps and downloaded all of the de la soul and stuffed my face full of honey butter fried chicken pizza from piece and made a tiny dent in my to-be-read pile.

this is a real improvement over where i was 2 years ago, and for that, i really am thankful. i am back in chicago and while i'm not in my own place yet, i'm as stable as i can be right now. amen. :-)

2014: the year of all of the feelings

the first month of 2014 is over, for all intents and purposes, and oh what a strange trip it's been so far. there are a few of you who, i'm sure, would be more than willing to punch january in the face just on general principle.

it occurred to me early this morning that 2014 is filled with anniversaries for me, and therefore i should just own up to the fact that i will be a big ball of emotions and feelings year-round. hi, my name is eulalia, and i will pretty much be an emotional wreck this year.

why? here are all of the anniversaries/noteworthy occasions i can think of right now:

i finished grad school 10 years ago.
i participated in my last breast cancer walk 10 years ago.
i graduated from high school 20 years ago.
james died 5 years ago, the fact of which, when i did the math this morning, pretty much knocked me for a loop. it doesn't feel that long ago, and yet it's been 5 years. wow.
my mother died 30 years ago.

last winter, i wrote some notes to myself about how i wanted to commemorate the 30th anniversary of my mother's death. i just looked at them for the 1st time in almost a year and i'm pretty sure i'm going to have to adjust those plans by a lot. ironic in a way, really, since i just wrote about dreaming big and embracing the crazy and now i have to be a bit more realistic with one of the crazy dreams i had for 2014.

so, yeah. apologies in advance if you catch me on a day when i'm more down than usual. you can't say i didn't warn you, though.

on: friendship and embracing the crazy

as the grammys wrapped up on sunday night (note to the producers of the grammys: 3.5 hours? seriously? you could cut that to 2 solid hours and i'd be happy), i was on twitter where, honestly, i'd been all evening. except for that brief stint in twitter jail, that is. i could see tweets but the only way i could post something was by going quasi-retro and tweeting by text. good times, let me tell you.

anyway - i was on twitter trying to wind down from the grammys and, as y'all know i am wont to do, went off on a tangent. sunday night's tangent was about being an enabler. one of my friends said she wanted to marry a french robot and i was all "fuck yeah let's make that happen!" because, well, why not? it started innocently enough, with me saying "i like enabling crazy dreams that my friends have...," and then it went into this:

that's part of my job as your crazy friend. best believe i'll tell you no when shit's really real, but otherwise? fuck it! let's dream big!

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

we are all too well-acquainted with struggle and heartbreak. every now & then, i wanna let loose and #embracethecrazy. let's dream big!

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

yes. life sucks. i know that all too well. i don't want all gloom and doom everything, though. sometimes we need to have fun.

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

i stand by all of this. i really do believe that sometimes we all need a bit of extra encouragement for things that might, on their face, seem trivial to most. who the hell am i to say no to your daydreams? i mean, i'm still hoping for a booze cruise with crazy uncle joe and jeff bridges and andrew w.k., and i don't want any of your "logic" and "facts" getting in the way of my big dream, ok?

this is not to say that i won't call you out when it's necessary. that's another part of my job as your friend. sometimes i have to tell you uncomfortable truths and sometimes i have to listen to you say uncomfortable truths to me and not default into "fuck you i'm not listening lalalalalalalala" mode.

for the most part, though - and i'm sure a lot of y'all can vouch for this - i am that crazy friend that says yes to whatever you're dreaming about, no matter how farfetched. i don't ever want us to feel like we have to stop dreaming. don't ever feel like your fantasies can't come true. sometimes our dreams and our fantasies are the only things that get us out of bed in the morning. don't act like it's just me b/c i know you're full of lies and deceit if you say otherwise.

keep dreaming, no matter how ridiculously crazy those dreams may seem to be. don't ever feel like you don't deserve to have fun or enjoy yourself, even if it's only for a few fleeing moments. if you don't have someone in your life who supports your batshit crazy quests, i'm here for you. :-)

try it out, folks. try being that person that supports your friends' crazy dreams, no matter how impractical they might be. #doitlive

— eulalia (@queeneulalia) January 27, 2014

some of my favorite songs of 2013

you can listen to the playlist via spotify, or, if you want, i can burn you a cd. enjoy. :-)

eta: these aren't in any particular order. just thought i should point that out.

top concert* experiences of 2013

* - one of these is a dj set, which i suppose isn't technically a concert, but i'm including it anyway.

so 2013 is almost over, which means it's almost time for everyone's year-end/best-of lists. i'm working on my 2013 favorites playlist and will post it when i'm done, but i also decided to share my favorite concert-going experiences from the past year. by my count, i went to more than a dozen concerts in 2013. i'm not sure how i pulled that off, either. i guess it helped that some of these shows were free or really inexpensive?

here's my list, in no particular order except for number one.

milwaukee summerfest, june 2013 - ll cool j, femi kuti, and morris day and the time all in one weekend. hell yes. this was my first trip out of chicago in a long while and holy shit i needed that quick getaway. in hindsight, i suppose it was a good thing that ll decided to skip chicago during this most recent tour, huh? ll's show entertained me greatly, despite the multiple fights breaking out in the crowd (really, milwaukee? that's how y'all roll?). femi kuti and his band and his dancers made me dance like i'm younger and skinnier than i really am, and affirmed my bucket list item of being one of femi's backup dancers at some point. morris day and the time always puts on a good show, and on the way back to the car, i made up a song to the tune of the flintstones theme song about some mini-doughnuts that we bought. in my halfhearted sorry-not-sorry defense, though, those mini-doughnuts were fucking delicious and i regret nothing.

frankie knuckles at smartbar, november 2013 - 'twas the night before thanksgiving and i stayed out until damn near 4am dancing. frankie knuckles has always been one of my favorite house music dj's and smartbar was full of fellow aficionados and we all collectively lost our shit multiple times when certain songs were played. one song in particular has made it onto my 2013 favorites playlist.

sphinx virtuosi with denyce graves, october 2013 - i was front and center for this show and i swear on everything holy that denyce graves smiled at me at one point during this concert and i almost died of squee. denyce graves is only one of my favorite opera singers and this was maybe the 3rd or 4th time i'd seen her live and never that close and omg i'm having a fangirl moment just thinking about it again.

turquoise jeep at bash on wabash, august 2013 - if you have any familiarity at all with the phenomenon that is turquoise jeep, then you know why this is on my list. if you don't, go watch some videos on youtube. there was also a miley cyrus wannabe who wound up on stage, so that provided extra entertainment value.

greg spero at city winery, may 2013 - this was a tasting event hosted by glennfiddich and it was also a full-out jazz piano concert, which was a total bonus for me b/c, let's face it, i was really only there for the whiskey. greg's a great musician and you should check him out if/when you can. i even got an autographed cd after the show!

lizz wright and raul midon at old town school, october 2013 - this concert was so amazingly wonderful that i almost slid out of my seat with joy. more than once. i really need these 2 to come out with a duets album, preferably a live version, so i can relive the magic forever and forever.

and now, my #1 concert-going moment of 2013:

daley at schubas, december 2013. ok, so this was a part of #alldecembereverything and i might have been a bit biased on this one, but the audience at this show was hands-down my favorite audience of the year. during intermission, a fellow audience member and i sang a duet version of oleta adams' "i just had to hear your voice." i'd never met this guy before, and yet we sang THIS WHOLE DAMN SONG IN HARMONY like we grew up in the same church choir or something. it was amazing. a few songs after that, the entire audience sang along with a live version of jill scott's "the way." as stephanie put it, it was a "peak blackness moment" b/c not a single one of us missed an ad-lib or anything else. oh, and daley put on a great show, too. :-)

when the ask is too damn high

y'all know i come from a nonprofit background, right? that most of the gigs i've had to date have been in the nonprofit sector? i know and have worked with a number of people in fundraising and development. so really, i get it when organizations send their end-of-year appeal letters asking for specific amounts that might be slightly higher than their normal ask. i understand it, i do. you're taking the chance that your donors may be in the holiday spirit and are feeling more generous than usual, and you also figure that you'll never know if that donor will contribute (insert dollar amount here) unless you specifically ask for it.

i was going through my mail yesterday and there was an end-of-year appeal letter from an organization here in chicago that i've previously supported. it was pretty standard as far as donation letters from this organization go - they did their mail merge correctly and inserted my first name more than once to make me feel special, etc. i skimmed it, really, b/c this organization is usually on my list of year-end charitable contributions anyway, but then i got to the ask.

"eulalia, your gift of $2500 or more will..."

i literally laughed out loud. well, as much as someone with laryngitis can laugh out loud, anyway. as i said on twitter yesterday, the most i've given to this organization is maybe $100, and that's been in a very good year when i was working full-time and actually was staying in my own place, etc. my usual contribution amount is in the $20-$40 range, depending on my list.

needless to say, this organization won't be seeing a cent from me this year. i know i should probably contact their development office and tell them that asking me for that kind of money is just ridiculous, especially given my current circumstances, and maybe i will, after the 1st of the year. right now, though? whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch.

37 (and still counting, please god)

guys. guys. guys. guess what day it is? c'mon...guess what day it is?

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! *releases virtual balloons and confetti*

i've developed this annoying (to me) habit of waking up between 3-4am for no apparent reason whatsoever. when it happened this morning, my first thought was still "fucking hell why am i awake so gotdamn early?" but then i realized that it was officially tuesday, december 17, and therefore i'd actually made it to my birthday (not that i was all that worried, but still), and so i went into #attitudeofgratitude mode and managed to go back to sleep shortly thereafter.

a couple of nights ago, i tweeted about having a story to tell today. see, this time 20 years ago, on my 17th birthday, i was super-depressed and if i'd managed to put my hands on a sizable number of pills, i probably would've attempted suicide. that's not a secret, right? i mean, i alluded to such in one of the intro posts i did for this blog (see #7), so i don't feel like sharing this is a super big deal.

my original plan for this post was to flesh out more of why i was feeling suicidal 20 years ago, but when i finally woke up f'real this morning, i decided that wasn't the route i wanted to take today.

today - and really, the whole month of december so far - is about celebrating myself. i'm alive. i'm relatively well. i'm safe. i may not have my own place but i have somewhere to sleep that doesn't involve a shelter or a cta train. i have a part-time job that doesn't completely suck. my friends win all of the awards for being wonderful. i am loved. there is obviously a metric fuck-ton that i can be upset about, and trust me, i am totally upset about a lot of things a lot of the time, but for right now, in this moment? happy.

recipe review: sausage and bean skillet

it feels weird saying that i made this recipe up out of the blue, b/c i'm pretty sure i've stolen elements of it from various soups/stews/pastas i've made previously.

here's how it all started. i realized that i had a pound of ground italian sausage in the freezer that i wanted to use sooner rather than later. for some reason, i didn't want to make a pasta dish. i wanted something i could make in one pot or one skillet b/c on the day in question, i was running on fumes and knew i didn't have the energy or attention span to dedicate to cooking a "full" meal.

italian sausage and spinach, i thought. that sounds delicious. i can brown the sausage and then add the spinach and i'll have meat and vegetable together. but it didn't sound like enough. beans, i thought next. i'll add a can of beans!

list of ingredients:

1 pound of italian sausage, pre-ground or if in link form, removed from casings and crumbled

1 bag of spinach (i used a 9oz bag of spinach - you could use baby spinach or a spinach/arugula blend if you wanted)

1 15oz can of cannellini beans, drained and rinsed

seasonings to taste (my default is lawry's seasoned salt - use whatever you want)

heat a nonstick skillet on medium/medium-high heat. add a couple of tablespoons of oil to get things started, then add the sausage. cook, stirring and breaking up larger chunks as necessary, until the sausage has browned. depending on how much fat is generated from the sausage, you'll want to drain the fat from the skillet.

add the spinach in batches until it's all in and wilted. stir in the beans and cook until they're heated through. season as you see fit, then eat.

this serves 3-4, depending on your serving size. i had 2 dinners and a lunch out of it. 

bon appetit!

#alldecembereverything: the list

hi guys! guess what month it is? it's december! happy birthday month to me! as in years past, i will be treating myself to various social outings and gatherings, and you're invited to join in as much or as little of the fun as your schedule and budget allows. trust me - i totally understand about the budget thing. :P

here's the list as it stands right now:
saturday 12/7 - karaoke at third coast comics. do it. you know you wanna.

sunday 12/8 - one of a kind show at merchandise mart. i'll be there with a couple of girlfriends. there are discounted tickets available from goldstar, and some of the artists may have links to free tickets on their websites.

monday 12/9 - bears vs. cowboys on monday night football. i don't know where this game watch will be happening yet, but it's gonna happen. stay tuned.

tuesday 12/10 - "the upstairs concierge" at the goodman at 7:30pm. tickets are free, but you need to reserve in advance.

wednesday 12/11 - apparently this show at schubas is sold out, so unless you already have a ticket, you  will be unable to go to there with me. sorry.

saturday 12/14 - "the rooster room" staged reading at the goodman at 11am. ok, yeah, this one is also sold out, but it looks like there might be standby tickets available? my bad.

oh, and i might do brunch after the staged reading. i'm kinda on the fence about it as of this writing, so we'll see.

sunday 12/15 - it's possible that i'll be hanging with bff in the afternoon/evening, but if there was some sort of gathering that involved the bears game, i would not be opposed to participating in said gathering.

tuesday 12/17 - happy birthday to me! lunch at primehouse as is my tradition, and then watching the blackhawks game at burger bar later that night. 1/2 price wings, anyone?

wednesday 12/18 - dj michellelesliebrown makes her triumphant return to dance dance party party! ladies only. $5. dancing. it's gonna be ridiculous.

thursday 12/19 - unbridled at untitled. 10pm. burlesque + whiskey = good times. i have a very limited number of free tickets available, so if you'd like to go and save your cover charge for more whiskey, let me know asap so i can save a ticket for you.

tuesday 12/24 - 'tis the season to go gambling on christmas eve and sing happy birthday to jesus at midnight!

this list will be updated/edited as needed. happy december! :-)

recipe review, thanksgiving side dish edition

i suppose that should read "thanksgiving side dishes edition," since i decided to try not one, but two recipes to add to the dinner that quasi-landlord ordered from whole paycheck...i mean whole foods. i was a bit amused by the fact that their dinner for 4 people included a boneless turkey breast, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce, but no vegetables. at first, i was just going to roast some broccoli, but i had a bit of sticker shock when i went to jewel on tuesday and there was no way i was going to pay damn near $3 a pound for regular broccoli - hence this green beans recipe.

green beans and cherry tomatoes - i used grape tomatoes instead of cherry b/c that's what was available during the aforementioned shopping trip to jewel. in what will come as a shock to absolutely no one who reads these reviews with any regularity, i used more garlic than what the recipe calls for (i think 5-6 cloves instead of 3?) b/c garlic. if i make this again, i'd probably let the green beans cook for a few minutes longer b/c they were still on the crisp end of the crisp-tender spectrum.

maple bacon mashed sweet potatoes - i really didn't plan on making sweet potatoes at first. see, what had happened was, i was flipping through my recipe folder looking for veggie side dish ideas, right? and then i found this one and put it aside, and i read it, and that's what had happened. i don't remember exactly when i discovered the joys of sweet potato fries dipped in maple syrup, but it's one of my favorite snack/side dish treats and this appeared to be based on the same premise, plus bacon. you might need to adjust the cooking time on your sweet potatoes, depending on their size - the ones i bought at jewel were so massive that they clocked in at about a pound each, so i only used two - but otherwise? nom. i'd probably add more maple syrup next time to make them a bit sweeter. i'm sure you could also add cinnamon if you wanted.

happy friday! :-)

gobble gobble!

i'm so full right now, you guys, and not just b/c i stuffed my face full of nomz earlier.

this time 2 years ago, i was staying with bff & her mom during my month-plus of couch-surfing and house/pet sitting. i can't remember if laz had already agreed to let me punch him in the face as a goodbye to 2011 at this point. maybe? i dunno. this time 2 years ago, i didn't really know where i was going to end up after january 1. the introductions that led to my north suburban sojourn for the first 9 months of 2012 didn't happen until december of 2011.

this time 2 years ago, i was stressed beyond belief b/c i had no job and no permanent residence. i still don't have a permanent residence (yet!), but i've come so far since then that i could shed happy tears. i'm writing this while on the couch at quasi-landlord's place. i am full of nomz, the majority of which were paid for by quasi-landlord as a treat for me & her downstairs tenant, who unfortunately is sick and therefore i had to eat by myself. i have a part-time job that does not completely suck, although it definitely drives me up the wall at times. i am as stable as i can hope to be in this moment right now. my circle of friends remains strong and powerful and amazing and i am so very thankful to have them.

are there things in my life that i wish were different or more resolved? absolutely. am i still occasionally stymied and frustrated that things aren't going quite as i like? hell yes.

i'm still thankful, though.

and now, i'm gonna go watch a charlie brown thanksgiving and allow myself to slowly get into the holiday spirit. here's hoping y'all are doing well. :-)

recipe review: spinach and feta risotto

this was another recipe that i wanted to try from the slow cooker cookbook i read earlier this month. i was looking forward to it, too, b/c, well, spinach and feta. i love spinach and feta. mmm...spinach and feta...

where was i? oh, right. this recipe, which i really wanted to love but i couldn't. i'll explain why after i finish typing said recipe out for y'all b/c there's no link available:

Spinach and Feta Risotto
Serves 2 as a main dish 

1/4 cup olive oil
1 1/4 cups Arborio rice
2 cups sliced fresh button mushrooms
1 teaspoon dried minced onion
1 teaspoon dried dill
3 3/4 cups vegetable broth
1/4 cup dry white wine
7 ounces feta cheese, crumbled
10 ounces fresh baby spinach 

Use a 4-quart slow cooker. Add the oil to the insert, and swirl the rice in it to fully coat with the oil. Add the mushrooms, dried onion, dill, and pepper. Stir in the broth and wine. Cover, and cook on high for 3 hours. Stir well, then crumble in the cheese, and add the spinach. You may need to shove the spinach in to get it all to fit. Recover, and cook on high for 20 minutes, or until the spinach has wilted. Stir well and serve.

i used onion powder instead of dried minced onion b/c that's what was on hand. a 9oz bag of "regular" spinach was cheaper than 2 6oz bags of baby spinach, so that's what i bought. based on last week's risotto experiment, i decided to set the timer for 2 1/2 hours and adjust if needed. the rice was pretty tender after 2 1/2 hours, so in went the cheese and the spinach for another 20 minutes as directed.

y'all. i have made some pretty craptastic-looking meals that wound up being super-delicious. this? no. probably will not make again. it looked revolting and although the 1st bite showed promise, by the time i was finished eating a bowl for dinner last night, i knew this was not the risotto for me. i tried again tonight, thinking that maybe the flavors would have melded/hung out a bit more/improved overnight, but i was wrong and dumped it all out.

if you decide to make this, i'd cut back on the mushrooms (1 cup should be plenty - 2 cups seemed like overkill), and maybe adjust the wine/vegetable broth ratios to give it more flavor? i don't know. this was a culinary experiment gone wrong and i'm not inclined to give it another go. that bacon risotto, though? i'd totally make that again.

recipe review: bacon risotto

quasi-landlord is out of town for a week, and so are her dogs, so i suppose you could say that i'm on a staycation of sorts for a week. the house being relatively empty means that i can cook w/o said dogs barking up a storm. it also means i can cook w/o having to worry about quasi-landlord's allergies.

i decided earlier this week that i would attempt 2 different batches of risotto during the coming week. i read a cookbook a couple of weeks that said you could make risotto in a slow cooker, which, when i think about it, makes sense and i feel a bit dense for not thinking of it sooner. i mean, i love risotto, but i don't have the patience/attention span to make it at home.

first up? bacon risotto. i don't really need to explain why, do i? i mean, c'mon. bacon risotto. 2 of my favorite foods in one dish? yes, please. sign me the entire hell up.

unfortunately, i don't have a link (i may or may not have photocopied this recipe from the aforementioned cookbook), but since it's relatively short, i will type it out for you here:

Bacon Risotto (serves 4) 

6 slices thick-cut bacon, diced
1 white onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 1/2 cups Arborio rice, rinsed
4 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese (to add at the very end) 

Use a 4-quart slow cooker. In a large skillet over medium heat, add the bacon, onion, and garlic and cook, stirring until the bacon is crisp and the onion and garlic are translucent. Drain off most of the accumulated grease (retaining about 1 tablespoon) and pour the mixture into the insert. Add the rice, and swirl it around until the rice is nicely coated in oil. Pour in the broth. Cover, and cook on high for 2 to 4 hours, or until the rice is tender (check after 2 hours; it usually takes 2 hours, 45 minutes in my machine). Stir well, and add the cheese. Turn off the cooker, and let the risotto sit with the lid off for 10 minutes before serving.

i used 3 garlic cloves instead of 2 b/c regular readers of these reviews know that i love me some garlic. i used low-sodium chicken broth (and even got the organic low-sodium kind b/c it was on sale at jewel - win!), and went with a few handfuls of shredded parmesan cheese instead of grated b/c that's what was in the fridge. oh, and i added some black pepper before i added the broth - maybe a 1/2 teaspoon or so? i eyeballed it and therefore can't give you an exact measurement.

the slow cooker that quasi-landlord has is probably a 6-quart model, if not an 8-quart one, so i set the timer for 2 hours on high and figured that the rice would be tender by then. i was right. i added the cheese and then left the slow cooker on the "warm" setting until i was ready for dinner. i had some leftover broccoli from the other night, so i warmed that up and added it to my dinner bowl. nom. i definitely recommend some sort of vegetable on the side or mixed in to cut through the cheesetastic goodness.

if i make it again, i might cut back to an hour and 30 minutes of cooking time. the risotto was tender almost to the point of being gummy, which i'm ok with, but it could have been better. and yeah, i'd probably add more garlic. i was impatient and didn't let the bacon get fully crisp b/c the onions and garlic were in that sweet spot between perfectly browned and oh shit everything is burning. maybe i'd cook the bacon first and then let that drain while cooking the onion & garlic in the bacon fat. oh, and i didn't drain anything b/c there was barely a tablespoon of grease by the time i deemed it ready to go in the slow cooker.

the same cookbook has a recipe for spinach and feta risotto, which i'm going to make before thanksgiving. mmm...spinach and feta...

stovetop and scandal

(spoiler alert: discussion of scenes from last night's "scandal." if you're a fan of the show and you haven't watched the episode yet, please govern yourself accordingly.)
(trigger warning: discussion of rape/sexual violence)

but first, let's talk about this stovetop commercial i saw last night while watching "scandal."




as soon as the ad finished airing, i tweeted something along the lines of "gee, cultural differences much?" if stovetop = thanksgiving, then i've never had a proper thanksgiving, then. hell, i never even had stovetop until i was well into my 20s. my family played it pretty traditional (read: southern/soul food) when it comes to thanksgiving dinner. yeah, there was turkey, and veggies, and cranberry sauce (s/o to everyone else who grew up with that canned cranberry sauce that you'd slice based on the ridges the can left behind), and there was dressing.

dressing: cooked outside the bird. stuffing: cooked inside the bird. we always had dressing. not stuffing, and certainly not stuffing from a box.

this is not me disparaging stovetop, mind you. i was at a potluck brunch last weekend and someone made a casserole that used stovetop and shredded potatoes and meat and cheese and other so-bad-for-you-it's-good ingredients, and it was delicious. my point is that stovetop, or whoever's in charge of their ad campaign, seems to be a bit tone-deaf on this one. there are plenty of folks who had different thanksgiving traditions - and plenty of folks who don't have thanksgiving traditions at all - and to imply that their holiday celebration or lack thereof hinges on the presence of stovetop just seems wrong, somehow.

and speaking of wrongness (remember those spoiler and trigger warnings i opened this post with? they're coming into play now) - let's talk about last night's episode of "scandal." specifically, let's talk about the scene where mellie gets raped by her father-in-law. let's talk about the fact that there was no warning at the beginning of the episode telling viewers that some of the imagery might be more graphic and upsetting than usual. let's talk about the fact that a fair number of sexual assault/abuse survivors, myself included, watch and enjoy "scandal" on a weekly basis. remember when i was all excited about kerry washington tweeted me? i wear my gladiator badge proudly, as anyone who's subjected to my twitter stream on thursday nights can attest.

but this? this scene was too much, and i know i'm not alone on this b/c my twitter feed is still talking about it 24 hours later. i'm not even going to get into the "hey, let's explain this character's backstory by having them suffer some serious trauma" storytelling trope, b/c there are others who can, have, and will explore that way better than i'm able to.

do networks still have standards and practices departments? are primetime shows exempt from any sort of parental advisory or other warning labels? i don't claim to know what would have been an appropriate warning for this episode, but i really feel like we needed one. we needed to be prepared. we needed to know that this scene might leave us curled up in the fetal position, and that it might bring back memories that we've worked hard to address and deal with in such a way that we can go about our daily lives w/o erupting into all of the feelings, and that maybe, just maybe, one of our favorite shows wouldn't sucker-punch us in this way. we watch "scandal." we're used to shonda and her fellow writers embracing all kinds of crazy. it's part of the show's appeal.

being subjected to a depiction of rape is not appealing. reading comments after the show about how mellie set herself up to be raped and other victim-blaming bullshit is not appealing. finding yourself visibly shaking and drinking all of the wine in an attempt to get yourself under control after a rape scene is not appealing. feeling like shonda and the writers had no concern for your emotional well-being and just sprung the scene on you with no warning like "hahaha let's make our predominately female audience squirm with all of the discomfort" is not appealing.

what's appealing is trying to create a space for yourself where you know you won't be mistreated or disrespected, where your friends and family care about you and support you, where you can, even if it's for the briefest of seconds, not think about the rape/sexual assault/sexual abuse/violence you endured. that's appealing. you watch a frothy drama and you connect with some of the characters and you join a whole family of fellow fans and that's appealing. you watch and you talk and you tweet and you read fan sites and that appeals to you. you settle in on thursday nights (or friday mornings, or whenever you're able) and you watch and you are entertained and then a character gets raped and you did not predict that in all of your discussions about the various plot twists and no one warned you and you are left sitting on the couch practically in tears b/c the one thing you didn't want to think about for at least that hour has now returned to the front of your mind and that is not appealing. at all.

i don't expect a resolution. i don't even expect an apology. what i do want, not only for myself but for all of us survivors and allies who had our hearts broken all over again by this scene, is to regain our ability to create and maintain safe spaces for ourselves. to be surrounded by people who care about and support us. to continue giving voice to the fact that we are here and we'll be damned if we're gonna give up on ourselves. to keep believing and knowing that we are worth every moment of fighting that we've done and will do for ourselves. that's appealing.

week in review of sorts

monday: had an interview. after i was done, i walked out with a gut feeling that something was amiss, even though i still can't pinpoint how/why. one thing that set me off, though, was the receptionist at the organization. i had to spell my first name at least 5 times before she got it right on my name tag, which i was willing to forgive b/c let's face it, my name isn't super-common or easy. but then she said that my mother shouldn't have named me "eulalia," and my side-eye kinda went out the window at that point.

oh, and the bears beat green bay and there was much rejoicing.

wednesday: quasi-landlord had an extra ticket, so off we went to see "cyrano de bergerac" at the chicago shakespeare theatre. it was hilarious. i'd tell y'all to go see it, but the play closed today. i was amazed at how much of the plot i remembered from seeing that steve martin movie a bazillion years ago.

thursday: butter cookies from al's deli (they close at 3:30pm, fyi) + isabel wilkerson lecture = happy me. it was weird being back in harris hall for the first time since graduation. crc'ers of a certain age will appreciate the fact that i saw ava greenwell. fun fact i learned from isabel wilkerson's lecture - jesse owens' name is really james cleveland owens. when his family moved north, his new teacher asked his name. he said "j.c.," b/c that was what his family called him. his teacher heard "jesse" and that's what stuck.

sunday: last sunday at work! last bears game of the season that i have to miss b/c of work! exclamation points! woo!

on: music and having all of the feelings

i was watching the unsung episode about heavy d & the boyz last night and i was fully prepared to grab some tissue at some point. i remember being shocked when i heard about heavy d's death. hell, i remember being in michigan visiting relatives when we heard about trouble t-roy's death back in 1990.

it wasn't all that sad, though. it was a happy trip down memory lane, which was nice, considering i was curled up on the couch (kinda like how i am right now while i'm typing this) recovering from getting a tooth pulled yesterday morning. heavy d's mother is adorable and i wanna add her to my list of play mamas. also, her first name is eulahlee and when i first saw it on screen, i might've freaked out a bit b/c let's face it, guys, it's not that often that i see someone else with my name or a close variation thereof.

something struck me while i was watching this, though. i remember a few mornings ago when i was walking to the train and a whitney houston song came up on my ipod, which is almost always in shuffle mode. i skipped it b/c there are still certain whitney songs that i can't listen to w/o getting choked up. weird, right? i'll see the occasional whitney video and have to turn it off b/c zomg emotions.

i got to thinking...how is it that i can listen to heavy d's music and not feel sad about his passing, but some (not all) of whitney's music makes me teary? i'm willing to accept that since heavy d was an all-around upbeat kinda guy, and that his music was pretty much upbeat, it's not as, say, depressing. whitney, on the other hand...oh, whitney. i was always rooting for whitney. even though i knew her voice would never be the same as it was back in the day, i wanted her to be happy and healthy and it almost felt like she was getting there. yes, i recognize that i had no personal knowledge of her life and i was just on the outside looking in and obviously there were things going on that we may never be aware of. i get that. but still...

on: "let the fire burn" and "men we reaped"

i had all kinds of feelings about "let the fire burn" before i saw it at the siskel film center tonight. i found myself trying to remember when i'd first heard about move and the may 1985 raid. i think it was in college, b/c there's no way i would've learned about it in high school. and even in college, it must've been in a book or article i read outside of class, b/c i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been covered in any of my classes. then again, it's been a bazillion years since my undergrad days, so i could be misremembering things and indeed learned about move from a professor, but i doubt it.

so i was having these thoughts of "ok, i know enough about move to know that this documentary is going to be powerful," and also thinking about my privilege w/r/t being exposed to information about move in the first place, and how there may or may not be a whole generation out there, both my age and younger, who have no idea about what was happening in philadelphia in the late 70s/early 80s, and how this movie would be a good thing for them to see, but that they probably wouldn't be exposed to it.

but then i walked into the theater and there was a row of young black boys with their father/uncle/male relative. my heart grew 3 sizes and i took the aisle seat nearest them. it just felt right, somehow.

throughout the film, i caught myself laughing and sucking my teeth in disgust and shaking my head, while also wondering about the reactions of other folks in the theater. what kind of background did they have on move before tonight? how had those young boys next to me been convinced to go see this movie instead of whatever other entertainment option may have been available to them?

(as you can see, one of the fun things about my quasi-ADD is that my brain comes up with all kinds of interesting questions while i should be concentrating on just one thing. it's a blessing and a curse, i tell you.)

i want people to see this movie, not because it has any particular artistic merit, but because it examines a slice of history that folks may not be aware of. i realize i'm making that statement during the opening weekend of "12 years a slave," which is another movie that folks are all "omg people need to see this because slavery was bad, mmkay?"

and i get that. i accept that. i am in no way saying that these 2 films, or any others, can not co-exist. they can and they should. hell, i will probably see "12 years a slave" w/in the next week or so, and i will again be viewing it from a weird privilege angle b/c i've read the book and also b/c, y'know, i'm all too aware of some of the effects of the slave trade.

i was surprised by my reaction, or should i say lack thereof, at the end of "let the fire burn." i wasn't angry or frustrated like i was at the end of "fruitvale station" or "amistad." i wasn't an emotional wreck like i was when the closing credits started on "hotel rwanda." i don't know what emotional reaction i was expecting from myself, but i just felt...resigned, for lack of a better term. like, "ok, this happened, and it's obvious that this shit was fucked up from the beginning, and therefore there's no point in getting pissed about it."

on my way home, i decided to break my usual rule of not reading while on public transit, and dove back into jesmyn ward's "men we reaped" b/c i was close to finishing it anyway.

y'all. the last chapter of this book knocked me on my ass. proverbially speaking, of course, since i was already sitting on the train, but holy fucking shitballs. i felt like someone had punched me in the gut. i wanted to curl up in the fetal position and just rock back and forth for a few minutes. it's that powerful. i don't want to spoil it for anyone who's planning on reading it and hasn't gotten around to it yet, but i have to share this:

"We who still live do what we must. Life is a hurricane, and we board up to save what we can and bow low to the earth to crouch in that small space above the dirt where the wind will not reach...We love each other fiercely, while we live and after we die."

i recognize that this book resonates with me more than it might with others because i've also lost a brother, but i feel comfortable in recommending this book to every black woman who's lost a black man in their life - a father, brother, uncle, cousin, spouse, neighbor, boyfriend, best friend, homie from around the corner, classmate, or any combination thereof - b/c jesmyn's been where we've been. where some of us still are. i am seriously thinking about buying a copy of this book (b/c of course i got it from work) just so i can have access to this last chapter whenever i want or need to.

*blows dust off log-in page*

yeah, i'm still around. last weekend was all about homecoming and my 15th reunion and reconnecting with classmates until one of the worst migraines (and accompanying nausea) i've ever had in my life hit.

did you guys see the bears/saints game on sunday? remember when lance briggs jumped offsides? i have been laughing about that all week long. i wish i could find video of it.

instead, i will post this video, which, as one of my friends on twitter put it, has become the new lance briggs jumping offsides w/r/t things we've been laughing at today. it's spectacular. i literally cried from laughing when i first saw it this morning.