it took until early yesterday afternoon for me to piece it all together. i went to my nephew's wedding this weekend and i was prepared for familial drama b/c as y'all know, nothing about my family is simple or easy, especially when it comes to events like this. plus mother's day is coming up and my feelings on that have been well documented (yes, i will be drinking myself silly again this year, thanks for asking). those two things would be enough, but then i did the math and realized that my surgery is in 2 weeks and that really kicked the anxiety up a notch or 12.
everyone knows that hospitals freak me out and i start feeling claustrophobic if i'm at a hospital for more than 90 minutes or so. i am the one who asks for xanax whenever i need an mri because my nerves just can't take it. some of you also know that a big part of why hospitals freak me out is because both of my parents were hospitalized during their illnesses and never came home. one of the few regrets i have when it comes to james is not going to visit him during his multiple hospital stays, even though he knew why i was really staying away and didn't make a big deal of it, bless him.
and now i am having surgery for the first time ever and, in the parlance of peg + cat, i am TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. at least once a week, i have to give myself permission to flip out for about 5-10 minutes about this routine surgery that will only have me hospitalized overnight. yes, it's technically a voluntary procedure, but my doctors and i understand that my fibroids have minds of their own and i'd rather manage this while i have the opportunity to make decisions based on what i think is best for me. also doing this while i'm still living with quasi-landlord makes sense b/c she'll be around to drive me back and forth and enough of you live nearby to bring me tacos
never mind that i have the logistics figured out and have to date avoided the potential pitfall of over-researching the procedure because then i will definitely have a major moment of panic and that i know in my heart of hearts that this makes sense. if i am being logical about all of it, then yes, this is a good thing and there is minimal risk. i am not a logical person when it comes to this stuff, though - hence the weekly freakouts and the overabundance of anxiety this weekend.
one of my friends is particularly good about reminding me that i tend to worry too much about certain things, especially when i have little to no control over them. i can't help it. my ocd and type a-minus tendencies can be a bit strong and sometimes i just need shit to make sense even if i can't impact the situation. that friend has been advised that they need to issue these reminders more often during the next week or two. i have to meet myself where i am and trust the process even though the thought of staying overnight in the hospital makes my skin crawl and i already know i'm going to take the world's longest and hottest shower when i get home after being discharged. another friend has promised a recovery bottle of booze while i'm at the hospital, so at least i have that to look forward to. also i know my body needs the week or so i'll be home from work to rest, although this won't be a vacation by any stretch of the imagination.
a number of us are on an ongoing quest to own up to our shit, and this is me being upfront about what i like to call my medical anxiety. i know that while it's justified, it's not really helpful or healthy and as much as i would like to control and manage this situation in its entirety, i have to try to not dwell on things as much - hence my asking the aforementioned friend to help me try to keep the worry in check. i won't even lie and say that this is going to work and i will be totally chill between now and the 16th because insulting y'all's intelligence like that is just rude, even for me. i'm gonna try, though. wish me luck.
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