on: resting and not doing all of the things

first things first - a huge thank you to everyone for the calls, texts, tweets, dm's, emails, flowers, cards, etc. during my surgery and recovery. i really appreciate it and y'all are the best.

as of this writing, it's been 2 weeks since the procedure and while i'm definitely doing better than i was immediately after i got home from the hospital, i know in my heart of hearts that i'm still not 100%. it's mildly annoying for me because i sorta kinda want to do all of the things and my body is just like "hahahahaha go sit down somewhere."

i went back to work this past week and managed not to fall asleep at my desk, so that's an accomplishment in and of itself because i'd gotten accustomed to taking at least one nap a day while i was at home recuperating. this weekend has been a test for me in terms of resuming my usual drinking and other shenanigans and fuckery, but when i found myself turning down tacos last night after lots of beer and my first shots in 2 weeks (yes, readers, i was as shocked as you are now by this), i realized once again that i'm not back to my previous form.

don't get me wrong. on a logical level, i totally get that it's only been 2 weeks and the fact that i'm moving around and have gone back to work without being in too much pain is a good thing. i also know that my sleep patterns were trash before i went into the hospital and therefore my inability to get a decent night's sleep is impacting my recovery. i understand all of this.

and yet i beat myself up for not feeling as productive or social as i think i should, which is ridiculous. i think it's great that no one has put any pressure on me to go out - if anything, you guys are all "hey, are you sure you're ready to have drinks/go to a concert/sit through a lecture that you wish you could get your time back for because it was awful" or whatever. it's all internal. i even gave myself grief for this post b/c i'd intended on writing it before today but i didn't get around to it until now. that's just silly.

i have to remember to continue meeting myself where i am, even if that means taking it easier than i think i should be. it's ok for me not to be 100% yet. it'll be ok if i only get to, say, 98%. my health is what's really important here and clearly i'll be no good to anyone if i'm passing out from exhaustion, so if my body says "hey slow down there for a while," i have to listen and block out the voice that gives me grief for not pushing through.